Ep 31 Revisiting Past Conversations: Rewriting Our Trauma with Dr. Brandon Shurn

So , whether it's a favorite you've missed or a gem worth revisiting , let's dive in together and be inspired . Hi , welcome to another episode of the Tella Wellness Hip Podcast . I'm Marta Hamilton , your host , and today we're going to be talking about rewriting the way we speak about traumatic experiences with Dr Brandon Schern . Dr Brandon Schern is here , welcome .

I almost I almost said Dr Brandon Schern again , but Brandon has an amazing background a practice called Empower Me Holistic Counseling , and he is a mental health professional , a counselor educator , holding a doctorate philosophy in counselor education and supervision , and a master of science in clinical mental health counseling .

He is a licensed clinical professional counselor in the state of Maryland and a licensed mental health counselor in Florida , and he's currently also a 2022 FINRA fellow , an accredited financial counselor candidate , working on completing his experience hours to qualify for that designation .

And , along like with all these amazing things that he's doing , in his spare time , he likes to hang out with family , watch movies , exercise and recharge with a good book .

I feel like , just through your background alone , there's so much I want to talk about , but before we dive into that , I want to talk a little bit about why do you do the law and this work that you do ?

I started out as a high school dropout and and then you know to be where I'm at . So but in the career paths was , you know , law enforcement and that's why I really got to see people exposed that the , the , the seedier side , the , the darkness of people , and that , the struggles that people deal with and building rapport and all of that stuff .

So I didn't know it because I started in the jail but I didn't know it at the time , but that really made the foundation for me to to have that ear , to build rapport , to connect with people , and so in this space , it's about just empowering folks that you don't , you know you don't .

You might have a , you might have a diagnosis , but you're not that diagnosis Right . So if you have a diagnosis of anxiety , is it your anxiety or did you struggle with anxiety ? And once we rewire the way that we talk about it . We rewire our brain in , in in talking about it , and that's even with trauma as well , which is my specialty .

So , yeah , I got into it because I wanted to empower folks and and it comes . You know , a lot of my own history is with that as well .

That I learned after the fact because I want to have impact and I was trying to find out how can I serve my generation , how can I do it and and this is one of the ways it's , it's just giving back and getting people in a space where they are mentally or they're mentally tough and and able to handle and navigate the challenges of life . So amazing .

I already want to ask a lot of questions like to let people know and let people in and open that door to you .

Know , I went from high school dropout and , jeff , the way I love the way that you described it , because I often talk about you know , along this journey or our journey is not linear and it's not all peaks and mountains and sunshine and rainbow , there are valleys . So I love the way you describe it with .

It was wavy , wavy to get here and just the impact that is your mission to to empower others , that's incredible . So , yeah , yeah .

Now , granted , there's a lot of , there's a lot of need in Maryland , there's also need in Florida as well and other areas , and so if I could make my , if I could make myself legally able to do things and and to reach out , then I want to be able to do that , and that's that's really where it's at .

It's , it's a , it's a labor of love and it even bleeds into the , the , the , you know , going into financial counseling and doing that . And I was , I was , so I was when I talked about it . There was a time when I talked about it .

So it's Fenra Foundation Fellowship , so it's , it's a scholar , it's a scholarship , that that that is given out to military spouses , and I was going to ask that was one of my questions like let's talk more about what that is .

It's all about financial wholeness and it kind of gets into this space of behavioral economics and so the ways that , psychologically , we use money or not use money and how our behavior in our psychology is so associated with that and the purchases that we make or when we make purchases , it's a lot of , it's a lot of stuff underneath it , even even in the sense

of amassing debt and so understanding all of that and so being able to have this whole package for people , so I can , I can walk with you in whatever pain point that you are experiencing , because you know financial hardships is another thing that contributes to mental health , mental health issues , to speak more , to speak more clearly . So , yeah , I'm just .

You know my wife say I do too much and I'm . It's like impact is what I think about it's impact . She's right , though I've learned how to slow down a little bit and what I'm , what , the things that I get my hands involved in . It's really difficult , it's really difficult it .

I feel like , especially you know you mentioned the right now talking about the financial aspect . Right now , there's a lot of conversation about what the market looks like and there's a lot of anxiety about his career finances . Can I afford this ? What can I not afford ? People are are having to make decisions .

You brought up , you know , get yours , and this is gonna make me . I do definitely want to talk a little bit about more about your expertise in trauma , but I I'm curious to see , just to talk a little bit about how you see that aspect of , because I saw on your website , you , in doing the research for this episode , that you work with anxiety too .

So I'm curious what you see in today's society and today's climate when it comes to some financial uncertainty . I know what , what are some things that you noticed and what kind of recommendations do you have in regards to helping people navigate financial anxiety ? Yeah , yeah .

. If you know that you have a tendency to overspend and you know that maybe you're in in a market meaning you know you're in a career field that could be on the chopping block , or your job could be on the chopping block and downsizes where to happen at your organization , then being smart with the way that you utilize your money is important .

You know we have discretionary spending and that's that ranges the gamut from . You know deciding to go to McDonald's or whatever favorite restaurant that you have to , all the way to the type of vehicle that you buy . Not buying a vehicle , but the type of vehicle that you buy .

Because if you need a vehicle , okay , you can get a good use one , it's , but you want that , that's it . So you want that new vehicle with all the bells and whistles . That's discretionary spending , and you put yourself at an abound , necessarily so , and and so you look at discretionary spending . Where can I cut back ? Then you look at another .

Another space that you can look at is okay , I have these , these variable expenses . I have these things that I'm not sure they fluctuate for month to month . You know utility bills because that's based off of the usage . You know gas , water , electric if you have gas and electric in your house . But can I , can I minimize that ?

All of the other things that you know kind of fluctuates . But then they are fixed expenses and one of the more fixed expenses is your mortgage or your rent . That's pretty stable . So you take all of these , these piles of money that you know you spend , and you begin with the most the obvious stuff , right , how much can I cut back from going out to eat ?

How can I , you know , make it more , make more meals at home ? Right ? Or if I go out to eat , how can I , you know , pick , make it so that I'm picking from you know more , I guess , economical space and I'm spending , so all of those things . But that requires you to look at yourself and say , okay , where's my mindset , what ? What is my ?

You know a lot of we talked about a lot of money mindset and what is my relationship with money ? Right , because some people , some people equate tightening the belt to to almost confining themselves and being in jail or something like that . Finance like a punishment , some , yeah , it's a punishment . So budgeting is a punishment .

But if you budget and you're telling your money where you wanted to go , then honestly , what you're doing is taking control of your money and your money is not controlling you anymore .

I know that you said your wife has mentioned you're doing too much and maybe you're like , maybe I am , but do you see , you know , speaking from experience , as as a therapist , I thought finances come up a lot in sessions and I'm not equipped to be a financial advisor , coach and counselor , and so that makes perfect sense . They come up a lot .

It is very much so interwoven into our everyday life . You mentioned , too , about going through the darkness or later when we're talking yeah we talked to us a little bit more . I saw on your website anxiety for creating depression , of preparing to play , saw a tab that was called through the darkness , and now I know too that you have background .

You said you've seen kind of some darkness too in your line of work and maybe the others . So I just wondering if you can share a little bit about that aspect of your , your life and actually personally so I will say specifically through the darkness .

So by the , by my 17th birthday this has been deliberately set on fire . It had been . I had three guns pointed at my head and I actually been shot and in the shot , the getting shot , you know they , the doctors , had told my parents Prepare to lose your son , and that was yeah , so and you know so I survived that and that gap .

But it wasn't until it wasn't until later on in life that I began to reflect on that and and and so how it informed a lot of the things that I do and the passion that I have . So , going through that darkness , I had to actually reconcile it .

Like you know , a lot of people say you know you come to therapy because you know you had a therapist or whatever . I didn't have a therapist and and that wasn't in no but , but . So I go through that . And then , but it wasn't until I entered because I was figuring out how can I have impact ?

I wanted to have impact and , and so I've been looking at so everything that I did or Position myself to do was always about something bigger than me and giving back and in helping other folks and being a net Positive in the world , and so that was the thing that I was trying to do in law enforcement , and then I wanted to be a lawyer and the same kind

of thing . But then when those didn't pan out , I was like , okay , what else , where else can I be ? And then , you know , I landed on on counseling and I just never looked back . It was off to the races . It was like whoa , like that fit and , and so I just get to blend everything , every life experience .

But it was going through that training that I began to say , wow , okay , you know what ? Yeah , those things were rough and you know how can I use that to to empower others , though , to empower other people . That Necessity , you know , or have experience , you know the , the trauma or traumatic experiences you know , because there's some .

You know there was some anxiety that came with that as well , and there was some depression that came with that and there was some grief that came with that and and so , having to go through all of that darkness , I had to , I had to face it and and and say , okay , it , I cannot control how life happened to me .

I couldn't control any of those three events , but I can't control how I happened to life . So the thing that I do in response to the event and that became my focus and and Empower me . Holistic counseling . Is that the benefit in the , the , the outworking if that Necessity , one incredible .

I mean drives it , because I know I , at when , when , when I did survive , I knew that at that point that there was something , there was a greater purpose , that I played in this world and I had spent , you know , the better part of you know , probably about 15 years trying to figure it out and that's the and I thought all of those spaces and it was in

this space because I Can . I was like whoa and it fit , and I was like , okay , so I ? This is a place where , you know , people still don't want to see me , just like police officers . No one wants to see a law enforcement officer , right , so no one was to see me . But the only difference is I'm . The goal is to empower folks .

To empower people to say , okay , your life dealt you you , you were dealt something and life happened to you in a way that is stressing and in very , you know , traumatic in that sense , and you can't control that . But you don't have to remain a victim . You can become a victor .

You can rewrite the rest of your lives and and respond to it and take control of it so you , what is rewriting it look like like ?

We're good right now , but sometimes timing is we don't always have Necessity , I mean , meet our expectations right .

Um , when that , when it hit me , but what I , what I had to do , was I realized that the response , the response that I had to those events , determined the severity of it .

So if I viewed it as oh , you know , oh I'm , you know , I'm weak and I can't , I have no power and I have no control over life , and I continue to look at it from this negative , then yeah , I'm gonna stay in that space and Intensifies , because everything that happens , I'm filtering it through that lens , that filter Necessity , change the filter and I say ,

okay , my perception has changed . Now I Choose , I get to choose , and this is a little . This is some transactional analysis , where I'm not , I'm not Operating from what is called the parent or the the child ego state .

I'm in my adult ego state and I'm taking new experiences , new information , and I'm deciding how to deal with it right here , right now , which blends my , my gestalt , theoretical orientation , right so in the here and now . So I'm dealing with things in a here and now and that was the thing that I had to do with all of those experiences .

I had to pour them into the now and work through there Right

. So for every disfigurement that I experienced , it's not the , not the the having a three weapons point-edged at my head that was more of a psychological thing that I had to work through , but the physical scars that I still bear from the other two I had to work with .

I had to work through those things and in the here and now , so that I can , so that I'm no longer bothered by those things , and and then I can comfortably talk about it and share you know with you and with other people .

Necessity may facilitate for that , that process also of rewriting , healing and being in the here and now . I am sure I mean this is no easy task . So you talked earlier about being like strong . Yeah , I think the beginning we've been strong since we were meant to be wrong . Like yes , you're not kidding you like physically strong it is .

I Mean to you mentioned about you can rewire your brain and I assume you know I sometimes have described kind of Necessity can rewire your brain , similar to the more we practice a language , we rewire our brains . You think in that way I'm a thing , a lot of process . I'm not a trauma specialist . I should be really clear about that .

So I'm curious about Just how that looks like in terms of rewiring our brain . To look at it differently , what that looks like when it comes to how we speak about traumatic the .

Okay , well , I can't do anything with that , because if it's yours , if I try to help you and take it from you , you're gonna fight me . You're gonna , you're gonna put up a fight because you take personal ownership over it .

But if you , if you re , if you reframe it that's the first part of rewiring the brain and the association with the traumatic experience it's talking about it differently . It's saying I Struggle with .

But if you get , if you have an emotional outburst and you say that's my trauma , the thing to say is I'm still struggling with this effect and identify it whatever it is Necessity .

If you , if you are still struggling with the fact that you were the victim of a Circumstance , then you get really , really clear on what the stain is , because it's it's the stain that we have to address and or , or , if we want to talk clinically , it's the symptoms that we have to address , the things that continue to show up in your life .

So once you , once you are clear with those , then we can say okay , what are what ? Do I have control over ? Necessity , what can I influence ? What can I stop ? Because you can't undo the event and it's getting the brain to understand that the event is done .

Necessity , what's replaying is your memory of the event , and there's a lot , and so there's a lot of regret and there's a lot of doubt . You know how . So let me put it this way you know how , if you've never got into an argument with a person , necessary , necessary , argue with anybody , damn it . But yeah , a lot of line .

But you know , in those arguments , you know how , after the fact , the argument is done , but after the fact you're mulling over and you're like man , nice to say this , and what you are doing is just you're keeping it fresh in your mind , as opposed to saying , okay , no , it's not , it's done .

I said what I needed to say and the thing , but you don't let it . You don't let it leave . You keep it alive . You actually keep blowing the breath of life into it the more you think about it . Necessary , necessary focus on it . So you know it's the same thing .

But the problem with the traumatic experience is not that you're breathing life into it , it's you've never deflated it because you keep avoiding it . And that's the same . And so it's the but it's the fear , right , that fear avoidance .

And so once you turn and face it , that's when it becomes less of a thing , that's when you take the oxygen out of it , because now you're no longer afraid of the stain , you're no longer afraid of and you're trying you're not trying to create a separate pattern of living . You know , some , to be fair , the thing that you do immediately after the trauma .

I call it a creative adjustment . That's a gestalt language , that's some gestalt stuff . It's a creative adjustment . So in the immediate aftermath , if you need to structure your life in such a way so that you can begin to , you know , get some sense of normalcy , that's fine . But it's when it becomes a pattern of behavior that it becomes problematic .

And so the avoiding the street , if you were in a , if you got a T-bone on a particular road , you know in the beginning you're like , okay , I'm not going to drive anymore , I'm more comfortable being a passenger . That's fine in the beginning . But if you say I'm never driving again now , you just created a problem .

Because now you've definitively said I'm gonna stay in this space of victim . I don't trust myself enough to be in a vehicle or operating a vehicle , so I'm going to seed control of operating a vehicle over to whoever is willing to drive . I hope that makes sense , but it's okay , okay .

Yes , how nice that someone who is equipped not just professionally but also has navigated through this house , to stand by their side , to feel even stronger when they're facing that fear . You know , you're like I'm strong and I got back up and I know this person's going to help me face this fear . Yeah , that's incredibly empowering .

And I also was wondering what loved ones like I'm thinking about family , friends , parents , you know , just siblings . So if you don't know how to react , they don't want to be a trigger , they want to be supportive . What kind of recommendations do you have for that ?

I know that's kind of a different perspective , right , because it's not the right first say , but I'm curious about that aspect and , just for anyone listening , maybe know someone who's locked or something really tried , and you know we don't want , like , tell people like you need help , right , like necessarily , yeah , I know , support them and navigate them towards

options that they feel like ready , but sometimes that's sometimes what comes up right Like . Read this book , do this , but what can people think is bad ? And effective and lovingly supportive ?

So you need to understand that the person that is having the experience in the response to this distressing event , it's not going to be the same way that you were , so it's allowing them to experience .

You don't have to , you know , because a lot of the time , the fear from what I've heard about people is allowing folks to stay in this excuse-making kind of space , and so you try to make them tough enough .

What it signals , though , is , if you don't have the bandwidth to say to sit in here , right , then acknowledge that , but sit in here and listen to the extent that you can . It's not about trying to put yourself in that person's position or view or any of that stuff , and definitely don't try to one up them and say man , I know because I did . That's the .

Please don't do that , because it minimizes the experience that the person has had . Right , and so , just being a willing ear , you don't have to sit in here all of it , just hearing a little bit and being willing to do that . It can go a long way and it's .

And I'm gonna say and this is to no fault of anybody that you know , in my life , when I was growing up and I had those experiences , no one knew how to deal with it , but I was , you know , I don't know any . I don't know in my circle growing up . I don't know anyone that was deliberately set on five . I don't know anyone .

Well , I know some people that were Rob , but I don't know anyone that had three guns pointing at them . It was just like ready , like give me everything you got . And then , you know , there's a few people that I know , but a vast majority of the people at that time , when I had went through that stuff , there was really no one .

I was it , and so I became the poster to help in the sense of how to navigate this stuff . And so it bears , even with , like even my tattoos and stuff , like people ask and they say what does that mean ? That's like , what is it ? And I tell them it's armor . It's armor .

And without getting into the weeds , I'll say it's not , it's an outward expression of an internal realization . So it goes all the way up .

You know it's like breastplate and all of that stuff , but it's because of the things that I've endured and it's to say , you know it's an outward symbol that says , yeah , I've been through some stuff and it sucks , and but I know what it's like to be on the other side of it . So definitely , definitely , don't try to I mean , give people some advice .

Don't try to one up , just be a listening ear . And if it gets to a point where you say you know what I can't take anymore , it takes humility and strength to recognize where you are weak . If that's your fault line , then let that be . But you know that's it . But the more you get comfortable with it , then ask the person hey , how can I support you ?

Simple stuff , simple stuff . How can I support you , instead of trying to tell the person what they need in that moment , how can I support you ?

I have a bunch of videos on what I call doses of empowerment and I talk about the five things you need to know about trauma and kind of go a little more in detail about that stuff and so you know . So any of those places that's where I'm active .

My website is DM Holistic Counseling so you can read more about my specialties and what I offer in that sense . But yeah , that's where I'm at right now .

And yes , brandon , thank you so much for walking , being a part of this wellness journey with us and Awesome . Just before we end for you , it would be , for those who are working on setting wellness goals or actively working towards their goals that they have for themselves . What words of encouragement do ?

But the problem is that's not , that's not a bragging right to me , that's not a bragging right Like I did it without counseling . No , I wish somebody would have put me in and talked to somebody . I probably would have healed a lot faster . But I did it . But when , when I , when it became clear to me , I said , oh okay , this is what I need .

And then I said , okay , I know now and it . So it takes strength to to know where your limitations are and then to reach out for help .