A Very Special Episode - Dungeon Crawler Carl

Today it's just myself and our illustrious boss , emily Chambers .

Coach couldn't be here , so we thought , okay , we want to keep making sure that we give you guys , give our listener community , give our Buttercup community , things that we love and things that we're excited about . We've been exploring Wayne . We're not doing that today .

We've , of course , come into this doing Ted Lasso , which is absolutely wonderful , and we will continue to do that . We're also not doing that today . Today we're doing our first audiobook . It is a book I discovered . I'll talk about it afterwards . It is so much fun . If you're looking for something it's a little bit offbeat , it can be .

Actually , you know what ? I don't want to set it up too much . It's something that I absolutely love . I have been listening to . I'm on book three . I've been listening to it nonstop . It is so much fun . Anything that makes me laugh this hard for this long I just want to share with everybody .

What we're going to do today is we're going to play the first little bit of it and see if it tickles anyone's fancy , then if it's for you , great . If it's not , again we'll keep sharing things that we love and hopefully something will land and some of our listeners will enjoy it .

Hopefully it's something that people can get something out of , boss , I mean that is always the goal .

That included people in cars , airplanes , subways , even tents and cardboard boxes Well , probably umbrellas too , though I'm not so sure about that one . I'm not going to lie . You guys who are inside , probably warm and asleep and dreaming about some random bullshit , I'm jealous . You're the lucky ones .

You were just gone , splattered into dust during the transformation . It was a Tuesday and the calendar had just ticked over to January 3rd . A terrible winter storm had descended on North America and half the country was buried in snow and ice .

In Seattle we didn't have too much snow that night , but it was well below zero , which was unusually cold even for January . I'm sure in other parts of the world , where it was warmer and not in the middle of the night , many more people survived , many more .

But I also bet most of them were probably wearing more clothes than I was at the time of the incident and those assholes were smart enough not to go into the light Me . I didn't have a choice . Like I said , it was below freezing when I was outside and I was wearing boxers of leather jacket and a pair of pink proc sandals that barely fit me .

I was also holding a prying , scratching , squirming and spitting cat named Princess Donut , the Queen Anne and Chunk . She was a tortoise shell Persian cat worth more than I made in a year . My ex-girlfriend called her Princess Donut for short . I just suck with Donut . So let me back up about 10 minutes .

I won't bore you with too much backstory , but some of these details may be important . My name is Carl . I am 27 years old . After a stint in the US Coast Guard , I ended up working as a marine tech fixing electrical systems for rich assholes in their party boats .

I , up until a few days before this started , lived with my girlfriend in our apartment in Seattle . Her name was Beatrice Bee . She went to the Bahamas for a New Year's thing with a bunch of friends . Kid tell me her ex-boyfriend went along with her on the trip . I figured it out pretty quick when I saw the picture of her sitting on his lap on Instagram .

I don't like drama and I don't deal well with it . Whether she was actually cheating on me or not , it didn't matter so much . She'd lied . So I called her up and I told her we were done . I promised I'd have all her stuff ready for her to go when she got back . No drama , no fuss , but we were done .

She'd asked her parents to come get the cat , but they lived on the other side of the Cascades . Nobody was getting through any of the passes with this weather , so I promised I'd look after her until Beatrice got back .

So let me tell you about Donut the cat . Like I said , she's one of those fluffy , flat-faced cats that look like they need to be sitting on the lap of a Bond villain . Bea and I shared a two-bedroom apartment and one of those rooms was dedicated to the cat , if that tells you anything .

More specifically , the room was dedicated to Donut's best-in-show ribbons , her best-in-breed ribbons and the countless trophies and framed photographs of her sitting on a table looking all fuzzy and pissed off , while Bea and the judge stand behind her . Bea probably had 50 of the photographs .

She won a mess of ribbons and trophies and photographs pretty much every time Beatrice took Donut to an event and Bea took that damn cat to a show almost every weekend . Her whole family was into raising and showing Persian cats Me . I didn't really know much about that whole cat show world . I didn't want to get too involved .

Like I said , I don't do drama and let me tell you something about cat people , more specifically , cat show people . Actually , never mind Fuck those guys . All that's important is Bea and Donut were a part of this whole world I didn't want anything to do with .

I never considered myself a big fan of cats , but if we're being truthful here , I'd like to donate . That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything and I could respect that . If Donut wanted to sit on my lap while I was blasting away on PlayStation , then she sat on my damn lap .

If I tried to pick her up , she hissed and scratched and jumped right back up there , unless she looked at me with a squished face that said what are you going to do about it ? I'd been tempted more than once to throttle the thing , but I'm not an asshole . Plus , I could respect the little monsters to Nassity .

Some of my buddies would give me crap about it Spending all this time with a fuzzy cat . That was probably worth more than I would make in a year , but I enjoyed it . I enjoyed having that ball of fuzz sitting in my lap , one of Beatrice's iron clad . This is not negotiable rules .

There was no smoking in the apartment so after our fight and break up , I'd made a point of smoking as much as I could . I know immature , but it was freezing outside . Donut didn't seem to like the smoke too much and the smell clung to her hair , so as a compromise , I would crack the window when I smoked .

So when I woke up at about 2 am , having been startled awake by a dream , I decided I needed a smoke . I pulled out my pack , cracked the window and I lit a cigarette . Donut , who had been sleeping right next to me on the bed , decided at that very moment that she wanted to , for the very first time in her feline life , go outside and explore .

She jumped up on my shoe and I was like I'm going to explore . She jumped up on my shoulder and she leaped out the second story window onto the tree outside my apartment , just like that . I'd had that window open dozens of times over the past year . She'd never even given the window a second glance .

But tonight , on the coldest night of the year , the furry asshole decided to loosen Clark her way out of the apartment . She scampered down the tree , sniffed at the sidewalk a few times and then promptly realized it was cold as fuck . Her adventure over as quickly as it began .

She rushed back up the tree and stared at me over the five feet from the window to the branch . The adventure all drained out of her Donut decided not to risk jumping back inside , so instead she decided to start howling at the top of her lungs . I spent the next several minutes cursing at the cat , trying to coax her back inside .

I opened the window all the way , sending gales of ice-cold air in the previously toasty apartment . The fuzzy , black and beige and white cat just sat there , bitching and howling so much I feared one of my neighbors might wake up and shoot her . I'd left my boots in the dryer all the way in the building's basement .

I didn't know where the hell my running shoes were . So in a momentary decision I would quickly come to regret . I squeezed my feet into a pair of my ex-girlfriend's crocs , pulled a heavy leather jacket on and rushed outside to grab the cat . The part of me kept saying Screw it , it's not your cat , let the fucker freeze .

But , like I said , I'm not that much of an asshole as much as Beatrice deserved it . She loved that damn cat . Poor stupid donut wouldn't stand a chance out here in the cold , not for long . Plus , again , the cat was right there , howling like someone was eating her children In front of her .

I rushed down the stairs and I jumped outside , rushing to the tree that sat between the sidewalk and the building . I immediately regretted not taking the time to put proper clothes on . The cold , windy air sunk its claws into my legs and feet .

Donut was right there sitting on a tree just out of reach , looking between me and the open window into the apartment . He continued to howl . A light popped on in an apartment on the first floor . I groaned Mrs Parsons , grumpy , I'd like to file complaints , mrs Parsons Donut . I said come on , you little shit . I held out my arms .

The cat could jump into my arms . It was something I'd trained her to do . I could shake a bag of cat treats and she'd jump right up there . I could make a clicking sound and she'd sometimes jump on my shoulder . Shit , I should brought cat treats out with me . It's up with me . The window on the first floor apartment popped up .

What A God's name is going on out there ? Mrs Parsons called , sticking her head out the window . The old woman had her head wrapped in a some sort of towel , making her look like a swami . Her beady eyes focused on me . Carl , is that you ? Yes , mrs Parsons . I said sorry , the cat got out . I'm trying to get her in before she freezes to death .

It looks like you're the one who's going to freeze and Slam . Mrs Parsons never finished the sentence . It happened so fast . The building slammed down to the ground . I watched it happen . The seven-story apartment building was there one moment and then it was gone . But it hadn't disappeared . I was looking right at Mrs Parsons when it went down .

It was like the building was a massive tin can that had been crushed by a giant cosmic boot . I saw it and I heard it . Wind rushed at me and it was instantly dark outside . The street lamp just to my left was gone . The buildings all around me were gone . The cars on the street were gone too .

Everything was gone except the trees , the bicycles and the bike racks and Marjorie Williams' moped that was still booted by parking enforcement . I looked around the freezing weather momentarily forgotten In the dark , overcast night . I could barely see anything In the distance and I'd never before been able to see any sort of distance . A fire burned .

There was utter complete silence . What the hell I said ? Spinning in circles , a couple random things remained , like the bike rack Stop sign was there above the street sign was gone . It didn't make sense .

Where the cars were parked on the road , car shaped indentations of dirt appeared as if they'd been pulled down to the center of the earth , being ripped directly through the asphalt . Donut jumped into my still outstretched arms . I looked at the still howling cat , not knowing what to do or say . What the hell ? I said again .

All that remained of my building was a rectangle of churned dirt and rocks . And then I saw it right near my feet . It was Mrs Parsons head . In the dark it was hard to discern , but I immediately knew what it was . It hit me at that moment . The sudden shock of the buildings was one thing , but there were people in those buildings .

It was almost everybody in the damn city Now . Even most of the homeless people were in shelters . There'd been a whole thing on the news about them rounding everybody up because of the extreme cold . It was two in the damn morning on a Monday night . Everyone would be in bed and that meant everyone was dead .

I kept spinning in circles like an idiot , not knowing what to do . I felt sick to my stomach . Donut started to squirm , having decided I was useless . He clawed at me , but I wouldn't let the cat go . Then came the voice , a male , robotic voice . It spoke in my mind . The voice was like a physical thing , a spike in my brain scratching me .

It wasn't speaking English , but I understood the words as the person spoke . The words also appeared floating in front of me , surviving humans . Take note what I said out loud what's that ? Who's there ? I kicked at the floating words with my foot and the two small proc went flying . I hopped over and quickly shoved my foot back in .

The words moved with me floating just a few feet in front of my face . Even the letters weren't in English . They crawled down , not across the screen , but I knew them , understood them , like I'd been reading the language my entire life .

Every interior of your world has been crushed and all raw minerals , organic and inanimate or in the process of being mined for the requested elements For the Mind Material Reclamation Act , along with the subsection 35 of the Indigenous Planetary Species Protection Act , any surviving humans will be given the opportunity to reclaim their lost matter .

The Borant Corporation , having been assigned regency over this solar system , is allowed to choose the manner of this reclamation , and they have chosen option 3 , also known as the 18-Level World Dungeon .

The Borant Corporation retains all rights to broadcast , exploit and otherwise control all aspects of the World Dungeon and will remain in control as long as they adhere to syndicate regulations regarding World Resource Reclamation . Upon successful completion of level 18 of the World Dungeon , regency of this planet will refer to the successor .

A syndicate neutral observer AI myself has been created and dispatched to this planet to supervise the creation of the World Dungeon and to ensure all the rules and regulations are properly followed . Please pay careful attention to the following information , as it will not be repeated . For the Indigenous Planetary Species Protection Act .

All remaining materials , estimated to be 99.999999% of the sifted matter , is currently being repurposed for the Subterranean World Dungeon . The first level of this dungeon will open approximately 18 seconds after the end of this announcement . The first level entrances will be open for exactly one human hour and one hour only .

Once the entrances are closed , you may no longer enter . If you enter , you may not leave until you have either completed all 18 levels of the World Dungeon or if you meet certain other requirements .

If you choose not to enter the World Dungeon , you will have to sustain yourself upon the surface of your planet and this may be the last communication you receive during your lifetime . All previously processed matter and elements are forfeit . However , you are free to mine and utilize any remaining and naturally occurring resources for your own benefit .

The Bourne's Corporation wishes you luck and thanks you for the opportunity . For those who wish to exercise their right of resource reclamation . Please take note . There will be 150,000 level 1 entrances added to the world . These entrances will be marked and easy to spot . If you so choose to enter the first level of the dungeon .

You will have five rotations of your planet to find the next level down . There will be 75,000 entrances to level 2 . There will be 37,500 entrances to level 3 , 18,750 to level 4 , 9,375 entrances to level 5 , and 4,688 entrances to level 6 .

The number of available entrances to the next lower level will continue to decrease by half , rounding up until the 18th level , which will only have two entrances and a single exit . Brawlers who choose to enter the world dungeon must find a staircase and descend to the next level down before the allotted time is up for that level .

Once the time is passed , the level will be reclaimed and all remaining matter in the level , organic and inanimate , will be forfeit . Generated loot and other matter that is not gathered and claimed may be placed in the syndicate market . Each lower level will have a longer period of reclamation .

Additional rules come into play once any brawlers descend to the 10th floor . These rules will be explained when and if any brawlers reach this level . If you so choose to enter the world dungeon , it is highly recommended you immediately find and utilize a tutorial guild . Multiple tutorial guilds will be seated throughout the dungeon on levels 1 through 3 .

If you have any additional questions or you wish to file an appeal . Such requests must be submitted in writing directly to the closest syndicate office . Thank you for being a part of the syndicate . Have a great day .

There weren't even any cars . I eyed the fire that continued to rage a few blocks over . I needed to get over there , and fast . I turned and I started to shuffle run . The wind , which had been a light breeze before the buildings all disappeared , was now a constant freezing gale on the stake of the ocean .

Donut twisted in my arms , scratching at me trying to get free . She chomped onto my shoulder , but my jacket protected me . I clutched the cat tighter . Was this a dream ? Did I accidentally been dosed with some sort of hallucinogen ? World dungeon ? What the actual hell ? What did that even mean ? My mind continued to race .

I immediately thought of Pathfinder , dungeons , dragons and other games I hadn't played since I was on active duty . I couldn't see a single damn person . I was surrounded by only the sound of the wind . A horn like a trumpet sounded blasting through the night there , I stopped dead looking around . What ? Now it's the dungeon appearing . I thought this is happening .

Holy shit , this is really happening . Less than a hundred feet to my left , right in the middle of what had once been a thrift store , the spotlight burst into the air . I saw an additional spotlight appear about a mile away . I turned and I saw a few more , unlittered throughout the city .

Even from this distance I could feel the warmth radiating from the brightly wittled hold of the ground . I didn't think about it . My head still swam with all the information that had been thrown at me . The pink crocs barely fit on my feet . The distant fire was further away than I thought .

I had seen firsthand what hypothermia did to people , so I turned toward the light and I ran . Part one , chapter two .

I don't understand why we give shit about Arthur , like , yeah , she's the one that a two-headed alien is like , hey , you want to go travel the galaxy . And she's like , fuck , yes , let's do this . Like she would have been the better protagonist .

So at least like this guy is like , oh okay , I got to go do some shit , let's , I'm not just going to be Martin Freeman in my robe complaining because somebody knocked over my house , even though I'm in space now .

Obviously this is the most exposition that you get for the entire manuscript , but but it goes from here and then it is immediately like laugh out loud , funny , and some of the twists are mind blowing and and we always like to highlight people who have like like a true imagination . Now you , we could say this is , this is a book written by Matt Deniman .

And who's the ? Who's the reader ? Again ? Boss , right there on your screen .

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All of the templates are out there , and then it's the small choices that you make inside of that . But yeah , no , it's . The choices are absolutely . I just appreciate something that can make me roar laughing , just like in my own , you know , while I'm .

I know so many of our listeners will throw us on in the background and do their dishes , or you know , good people put us on while they're exercising and things like that . This is the type of audio book where you put it on and then you find yourself like you have to like pause your treadmill because you'll fall over your laughing so hard . It's that good .

It sounds maybe like a fantasy take on a sci-fi novel , in that there seems to be aliens and technology and everything else , but then you need to go 18 layers deep into a dungeon and battle creatures .

And then I told you how much I like I've said it so many times in the show how difficult I think it is to pull off truly dumb character . Carl's not dumb , he's definitely not dumb , but he has a stupid man you know , like we talk about the Jason Mendozes and the . Andy Dwyer's and the .

There's just characters that Troy Barnes Just make sure to throw that out . Yeah , yes , right , yes , thank you . I'm trying to think who's our ? We don't really have a dumb . We don't have one of those on Ted Lasso , do we ? Do we have like a ? Jamie is a bit . We have different versions of our two snists .

Yeah , you know , like oversimplification of big concepts to be like whatever . Well , I was a little bit thinking about .

But also he had the idea to throw the chair at the TV in the first place and he's also a master at other things .

I mean , it's almost like not having , like , a third grade education in Europe is not understanding offside .

So that might have more been a Not an active form of ignorance , but he had decided he didn't need to research those things before getting there . And then , once there , even though he was put on the spot by Rebecca was in fact not prepared for the interview that he was supposed to be doing Not ready day one .

Yeah , no , that is true , but well , yes , and in that way , carl of the esteemed Dungeon and Carle Carle series is , he's not dumb , but he has that o-fish male energy and it's portrayed in a way that's like sort of accessible to everyone . So even if you are an o-fish male like me , you can , you can .

It's like when your friends give a really good roast on you and you're like fuck , that is , yeah , shit , like the like , the , the , the , the TikTok that made its way around about white people hiking .

I'm just going to skate right behind you , Fuck yeah yeah , whatever that is , and I'm like shit , I say that like three times a day , yeah , but yeah , it has that energy and and we wanted to , I got to . So I was halfway through book three .

I really really love properties , book series and anything where you can , where you start out and you feel like , oh , the big challenge is , let's say , you know , oh , my dad's a real jerk and I got to get out of the house . And then you realize , as each subsequent book goes on , the story gets big . No , it wasn't about the house , it was about the city .

And then you're like , oh , no , it wasn't about the city , it was about the state . You know what I mean . And then before long year , it's a whole thing . They tied in and you have to conquer the galaxy and and I go anytime someone can do that and keep the tension up and keep the character shooter themselves . I'm always amazed .

And I was halfway through book three and I started to get nervous and I was like , wait , are there only three books ? I'd seen somehow in my feet . I'm like , oh , I know there's three books and I was like , wait , when's the next one come out ? Like how can I ?

I was like , oh , I can't be without this thing to to enjoy my free time , and I looked it up and the sixth book came out September of 2023 . So , I immediately went and bought like all three books . I was like okay , good , like good .

So so , yeah , once I saw that I had that reaction , I said okay , I have to put this among the things that we're going to share with our listeners and and just let them know it's great and and just put it on the radar . That's it Now , boss , will we be sued or have a cease and desist letter sent for sharing the first chapter ?

Yeah , probably , probably at some point , but they have to find us first and they have to figure out what our email address is .

Like quirky candle anytime people that are like oh well , watch out , they're going to steal your identity , I'm like , okay , well , I have $100,000 been student loan debt and a 2011 Nissan Versa , so fucking go for it .

We got a dude that ran into a dungeon wearing a leather jacket , boxers and his ex girlfriend's pink crocs and holding her award winning cat is trying to scratch his body and and it has that sort of you know that feel to it where you go like , just do your worst . Yeah , man , what more can you take from me ?

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose . Like God damn it . That's right , boss , I love it , I love it . Well , anyway , everyone , I wanted to share this with you today and clue you into dungeon crawler Carl , one of the absolute best audio books I've ever heard . The series is phenomenal . I could not , I'm telling you .

I was like maybe six hours ago I had important things to do and I couldn't take my my earbuds out . I was like , oh my God , I was in the best scene and I like there's no way this dude is going to pull this off .

It like , just as a creator , as a person who tries to who's a writer and tries to , you know , create things , I go that how , and then like masterful . So we always want to share things with people that make their lives better and give them a glimpse into something that's fun and makes just makes things , makes it makes everything sort of more enjoyable .

And so today , coach was traveling , and so boss and I hopped on and we thought , you know what , let's just , let's just share this little , little slice of goodness and , hopefully , if anyone enjoys it , if it's something that you get some enjoyment out of , great .

We're supporting the written word , we're supporting creative people , just like our brand says , we do , and and and hopefully it'll it'll spread that much more joy through the listener community and through the world and and and get this exceptionally talented writer paid , and , and and Jeff Hayes , who does the voice over , oh my God , the voice acting .

I'm like Jesus Christ . Like Jesus Christ . And , by the way , I found this because it was one on one of those lists where I like to think that once upon a time I couldn't do audio books . I just couldn't do them . I'm like , no , I'll read it , I'll read it faster , and and then , and then the I don't know what cracked the egg for me .

But I got to a place where I recognize that , yes , I can read it faster , and and I can sort of build the picture . I want the picture in my head . I don't want someone else putting their own picture in my right .

But I realized , you know what , Sometimes with the right sort of synergy , to use a terrible business word of amazing writing and amazing voice acting . The picture there , there , it feels like a , it feels like you're , you're just , it's a gift .

They just whatever they're doing to put it together , they're putting , they're making the right sort of connection and you feel like , oh , this is better than I could have thought it in my , you know , in my mind or whatever .

It's just like what , whatever they're doing is tremendous and the voices that they're attributing to the characters , where I would have attributed my own voices to it , it's like no , these are like more than acceptable , these are like . They feel like the right choice , wise . So I was looking about up this list of , like what are the best audiobooks of all time ?

And I went down the list and I was like , yes , yes , yes , yes , I had heard most of them . And I got to this one towards the end and said Dungeon Crawler , carl , what the fuck is that ? Like , like , never heard of it , no idea what it is , and played a little sample on a lark and then have not stopped since that first moment .

Oh , it should be a show theoretically , not a film .