Retired SMU Operator | Pat McNamara (throwback episode)

older brother. My older brother bullied the ship out of me and pretty much tormented me. And I was uh, I didn't even like being in the under the same roof as him and my parents were. They were sword of wise to it, but they didn't know the extent because I wasn't gonna rat them out. Plus there was threats to me that, you know, if I ratted them outches getting stitches. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. But he

went to prison when I was fourth. The first time he went to prison, I was about fourteen years old, and that's when I had like a second chance. That was my first second lease on life, first one. I'll talk about my second one later. But I had a second lease on life and I joined a wrestling team at my high school. I sucked bad, I got beat by everybody. I started lifting weights, and you know, when

you're fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, you're growing. Had a couple of really cool mentors that would also teach me to fight and encourage me because they were the ones who said, dude, you got a year and a half, just under two years before your brother gets out of prison. What are you gonna do? What's your recourse? How are you going to face that freaking monsoon? Because they all knew, everybody knew my parents were in denial, so they helped me

out a lot. Then I got good at wrestling, and I started getting good grades and I loved the you know, the camaraderie, the team, the team conraaderie, and and the physical turmoil, you know, and the personal gain, you know, the feeling of winning. I loved it. I loved that. Uh. So, I think that was one of one of my driving forces is whence I graduated high school, I wanted to feel that feeling again. Oh, by the way, when my brother get back from prison, I kicked his assne in

front of my parents. Nice yep, And so I set up a.

Just a real work of you know, just a real peace just a real mixed bag of loose spare parts. But uh yeah, so I knew I needed that again, you know that that uh, that camaraderie, that team cohesion, that physical turmoil winning, uh, winning and losing, to know all that stuff. Uh. And my dad was into it that I wanted to join the military. He was into a big time, so he helped me out. I did go to the recruiter the recruiters, because I went to all of them. I did go on my own without him knowing.

When I was seventy, and the Army at the time had the best answer because there was like immediate action I could go into, become an airborne ranger or the s A baby program was a thing at that time here in nineteen eighty three. And I came back and told my dad and he said, did you sign anything? I said, not yet. I want to talk to you say, we're going we're going down with the lawyer. Wow, well, I mean he knows, he knows, you know that recruiters

can't do some slimy sh Yeah, no, it's it's great. Yeah. And so he adjusted the paperwork, the recruiter did. He adjusted it, he made some he made some kind of he erased something and penciled something in.

toad jumper. Oh my god, all the way across fire drops one on the second, one out, the last one to land thankfully. Yeah, all the way across what's that? A minute and a half drops? Then?

one forty one. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But it was bad immediately because this was also tearing my body apart right because I felt it. I felt it around my body, and I was hitting the plane boom boom, boom, boom boom, and I visibly saw people going over me, right over the top of me, and I was just spinning in circles, and all I could vaguely remember, you know, the jump master briefing about you know, putting a hand on a helmet and one

on the reserve. Vaguely remember that, But there was no freaking way that was happening. I was. I was in all three state of mind that was irrepairable at that point. Uh, thankfully it came loose. I hit a few times and it came loose. Now under canopy. That's when I realized I am jacked up. I am jacked I'm jacked up. I'm jacked up. There was nothing but mones and groans coming from my body, just moans and groans. I was just a limp sack of shit underneath a T ten parachute,

Just just a limp, limp sack of shit. I hit the I hit the deck. I land on my same injured side, and at the time I didn't know, but I had a lot of injuries, including broken ribs and concussion, uh, disocated shoulder, and I fall on that side, so there was no PLF, you know, parachute landing fall right, I had two points of contact feet and that my injured side. And then to add insult to injury, a gust of wind comes and now I'm getting drug across Ryer drop

zone and I'm all bashed up. And then I can hear one of the black cats, one of the instructors, yelling at me, saying, good up, Leeric, you over there getting drug released. One of your cable looket canopy release assemblies now leg and I'm like mother fucker, except without that level of enthusiasm. But I did hear him and I knew he was yelling at me, and I popped a cable boom. The shoote collapsed and then I'm laying there and I'm going, what and what in the fuck

just happened? This jumping thing sucks? But I did pack up my parachute in the kit bag, went back to the assembly area. Now I still had no idea how bad I was. When I got there, I saw the black cats. They were looking. They were looking for people because apparently I didn't know this. They saw that somebody was told right, So now they're all looking. They're like, where is this dude? Well, I saw buddy mine and he goes, dude, you okay, you look you Because I

know I was ashen. I was shocky still and I had blood, you know, coming down on this side of my brain bucket, and I said, bro, I am I am hurt. Something's really bad with my arm and he goes, Holy Countain on my bads. I had rope burns and he's going, what down And he says take it off. I says I can't. I can't move this arm. I cannot there's no signal from here to there, there's none. So he helped me unbuckled my button my blouse and

pulled it down. And then when I saw that bicep and I saw that it had been pulled down my forearm all yeah, and like the skin was almost translucent. That's when I immediately heaved he because now I knew why why I was hurting so bad. And then the ribs everything. But then the black cats saw they came over. Hey, you the guy, yes, and they were dude like velvet gloves, you know, velvet gloves. They were like, bro sit down over here. The uh, the heat just left with a

guy who broke his leg. We got to bus you to Martin Army Hospital. So I had to bust there. And it was a bumpy rhymes right, jiggling me all over the place, broken ribs and jacked up bicep, and then there's more. Then there's more. The hospital's nineteen eighty three. The hospital's filled with grenade events who had real injuries from you know, airfield seizures. Anyway, That's that was how I started.

And this bicep is still a lot smaller than my other one, but yeah, yeah, they had to dig it out of my form and put it back together. And the way he explain it to me says, this is the size of your bicep right now, this is what we could salvage. Wow. Insurgent's name was perlic I remember his name, Perlick, redheaded dude.

in February, so you had to continue the course. They didn't. They didn't just like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I had to continue now I've already been through all the other stuff, right, So they put me right on a plane, I mean ground. That's good. And dude, they were. They were cool as hell. The instructors put me first in the door, and I remember this one jump master, you know, telling me stand in the door. I hand it in my static line and he grabbed it from me and

he looked me right in the face. You know, it's like I got this thing. Yeah he's not getting ejacuar there. Cool as hell. They were cool as hell. They were cool as hell. So I did two firsts in the door because I had to get three more there, So two first in the doors and then one in the middle of the stick. Yeah, and then from there did you go from there right to the SF course, which was I mean, I'm not in peak shape now when I'm doing the Army. I was in peak shape, right,

you know. I was a state champion wrestlerans and weightlifter and I was badass, but uh now I'm in shape and I got to start the s F course. I started on my birthday in nineteen eighty four, yep, on my ninth birthday. And it wasn't like today where they have like SFAs they had pre phase, which was nothing more than just an absolute smoke fest for a couple of weeks and just trim the fat. Let's see who could put up with this shit? You know. They were just making it up as they went For the rest

of that. The rest of the SF course was similar to what is today, but that was filled with several different roadbumps too, I mean, one after the other. Even out of Camra Call, I couldn't get hot shot like I think like twice or three times a week, they would bring in hot a's, you know, and instead of c rations because mrs weren't out just yet, they were almost there. And in order to get hot a's you had to do ten pull ups with your kid on

and climb the rope. And I'd had no biceps still, I was still building this thing back, but you know, I was young, and it didn't take long before I was able to knock them out again, which sucked because you know before that I was one of these, like I was a pull up. I had to pull up record in basic training. Right now I couldn't Now, I couldn't do any to feed myself. But now you know, little there was just tons of speed bumps like that. S of course sucked. I failed out of first phase. Uh.

And it was for bullshit reason, bullshit reason. I think it was the Cadre at the time, they weren't too keen of us eighteen X rays. You know, it's that babes right and man. And back then they still had the survival program. You know, six days out in you worry and you're issued one ration a live chicken or a live rabbit for those six days and then you got like twenty one task to complete in this in this amount of time. But I did good on survival. I did good. And one of the instructors was he

was just jealous. They would come out every night and check on you, and he wrote me up for some bullshit. And you know, I already had a couple red tick marks and that was that that put me over the edge. So I had to do first phase all over again, the whole thing.

infantry men. You know, they all had all this infantry experience. I had nothing, zero goose egg, but but it went well. I was fast track and I had by the time I was I think I was a buck start. No maybe steps, But if I was twenty two years old, I had two s fm OS's eighteen Bravo eighteen Echo and I was a Whiskey nine so combat Dive and Halo right by the time I was twenty two. So I was fast tracking, fast tracking, you know, I was

high speed load drag at a early age. And first group was fun, you know, but it was all FID stuff. It's peacetime Army. You know, you're not do anything.

here's some dude in civilian clothes and long hair, he's in a suit, and he was so freaking vague. Okay, I mean the amount of ambiguity was ridiculous. I I I equate it to will Smith and Men in Black when he's in that room with the with the half dome chairs and he's asking torn, now, what are we doing here again?

getting righting the next thing right. The opportunity presents itself to say, yep, I want that I want that course, I want that course, I want that school. Yep, I want to level up, level up, level up. I want to go to that battalion now or that unit. You know, especially if you're spending a career at it, you want to level up, right, I mean that's the objective, and that should be That's a good metaphor for life too. We should want to always continue to level up. It

doesn't end, you know, that cycle. So yeah, they sent me to dl I, you know, Defense Language Institute, Monterey, California, which is an eye opener, and then learn learn German. You think you do you know, and you test out well, you know, yeah three three in freaking German, and then you get there on the ground you realize you don't

know shit. Once again, here we go again, you don't know shit because you know, actually speaking to people is a whole lot different than being in the classroom environment and just check and talking to the teacher in nice comfort zone. But yeah, I immersed myself in that too. I mean I would I would talk to small like merchants and uh I joined a uh oh, back to that, back to the job. So that was P. S. S. E. And which was it was? It was cool in that it was it was it was. It was cloak and

dagger ship right, so it's it's peacetime army. But we're in the heat of Cold War, right, So I had no idea that these things existed. Most people didn't and most people didn't, but but they do and and they still do. Ship like this still exists. Uh So we were kind of, you know, we we were the backup plan in case the balloon went up in Soviets invaded, so now we'd have a a stay behind for us in Berlin because that was kind of the epicenter for

everything spy right. It was in the middle of all the ship plus Berlin sat in the middle of Soviet East Germany too, you know, so uh and it was cool. It was cloaking dagger ship. You're doing a lot. You walk in the streets, you're pounding the pavement a lot, you know, and you're working. You're working routes in case you have to pick up that double agent. You're working routes, your your your your uh uh uh, monitoring signal sites, you're loading dead drop sites. It was all that street

craft trade craft stuff. I think they changed the name tradecraft to street craft. But uh, anyway, Pat.

the businesses, the bars, the alleys, you know everything. The shithole hold ship, shithole hotels. Uh. You knew it inside and out. You really got to know that place well. Uh. And it was just like one exercise after the other, you know, with with picking up uh agents and you know, fall off of uh fought agents. But out of the blue, my sergeant major at that unit, uh, he policed me up one day and says, hey, man, there's a there's a guy here. I want you to talk to you.

Because the writing was on the wall that pss HE was going to close. The writing was on the wall, right, so that that was that it was going to be short lived. He says, there's a guy here I want you to meet. So I went down. Now, here's his master's sargeant. He's in b t US. I got a freaking mullet in a stupid foud manchew mustache and big fat, stupid German brown boots and a pleather jacket. And he said, hey, uh, I work in another unit here. I'm like, come on,

that one sounded This one sounded way cool. So this was u s MLM, the United States Military Liaison Mission and uh he said, basically, what we do is we spy on the Soviet army in Soviet East Germany. And

I was like, you gotta be shipped, bro, Yes, where do I sign? And so I went through the interview process and it was all in German, the inniver process, And the first thing he asked me in German was can you explain to me in detail how a thirty five millimeter camera? Uh? I almost said function her operates. I was like yeah, because I yeah, I could do that. But that job was cool as hell. So we had this uh uh it was it was kind of like overt you know, spy your had to do in uniform

in a military vehicle, no weapons, no, no, sign no comms. Man, it was so stupid. I had I argued with him about that, about the no comms thing, you know, after I'd been there a while. But uh, yeah, we had a soft cover for action, cover for status, and that was we were liaison unit to the Soviet Army and we actually did some of that, but that would get us into sovieties Germany. And we were issued maps by

the Soviet Army. Uh and these maps had big yellow blobs on them, and these blobs were called pras permanently restricted area. That's where all the good shit is. Though, you know, that's all KGB km's and nuke SS twenty four's and you know what, I'm trying to think of the other nuke ones. So not frogs, but you know the new the nukes were s S twenty four's and

maybe SS twenty ones. Shit, I forget, it's been a minute, but I used to know every piece of Soviet kit, every single one, because they sent you to a school in Kent in the UK, a British military intelligence school, and you learn, oh my god, man, you dream about Soviet kit in that school. You dream about it, and

they have so much of it. I knew everything from flatfish radar to ZILL one three one, to every variant of BTR, to every variant of b MP, every variant of TH eight, you know, to to the aircraft you know, for every MiG, every helo, halo hip, you know, just all of the helicopters. And we were issued passes and that would get us over the Gleinika Bruka into Puttsdam, East Germany. Uh, And we were basically given like a you know, some the missions came from higher up, you know,

satellite imagery, that kind of thing. At the time too. East Germany was split into three quarters and we rotated through the quaters because the Brits were doing it and the French were doing it too, and we try to collaborate, you know, change exchange information stuff like that. But a lot of times, uh, the inner agency shit just like anywhere else. You know, it's like knowledge is power. I

don't want to give it up, yea, which is freaking bullshit. Bro, we're freaking fighting commies, you know, give me some info here. But that was a very very very exciting and fulfilling job.

and they then they went forever forever. Then you hit a hardball. When you hit a hard ball, I remember this too. Anytime you hit a hardball off a dirt road, you go the opposite direction for a few hundremeters and then turn around. Because our tire tracks were very distinguishable, and the Stazi was out there looking for us, you know, the East German secret police, but they didn't have people

actively looking for us. Okay, but the Soviets knew what we were doing, so and we would we would actively go to training sites and a lot of times we would try to uh elicit information from lower level dudes. You know that weren't hardline commies. I mean you you tempt a freaking private with a Penthouse magazine and some Marblo cigarettes. You're getting some information right right now. And then you sit down with them and you and you share lunch. I remember sharing lunch with these two privates

one day. They were caretakers for a training uh uh training training training site, training ground, training area, and they were living in a fox heart when we said uh in which travel in pairs, and one of us speaks fluent Russian and I'm the German speaker, and the guy was asking, how long have you been out here? Yes, this is our third week living in this foxhole. Just garden the training area. And they would get like rations delivered and I called it brown cabbage and cardboard flavored bread.

It was so commy. It was so typically calmy, you know. So we made a fire and I'm busting out like you know, crackling oat Brand and Denny Moore beef stew. These guys nearly ship themselves evil temptations of the West. Dude, I come from the Big seven eleven in the sky. Bro That's where I come from, you know, that conscript army ship man. You know, we were so freaking spoiled. We're so spoiled. We're so spoiled. We have no idea, you know, we have such first world problems. I've seen

sobs get freaking hammered, hammered on ana freeze hammered. I've seen. I went into a barracks once all the troops were out to the field SA eleven SA eleven compound, and we we we've watched them leave on buses and a lot of them were in formation. We we snuck up, we observed for a minute. We made a little racket too, to see if anybody was in there, you know, and nobody.

So we went in to this barracks and there was bulletin boards and we were snapping the ship taking pictures and everything, and and and the smell and there was putric in this barracks and ammonia was killing my eyes in my nose my science. It's like, what the what is this? What is this? And there was a stairwell went downstairs to a basement and there was some windows. You know. Uh. We we walked down the stairs and

realized the plumbing of this barracks shipped the bed. No, man, I can't believe I used that term with this story. So they just they just drained all of the ship and piss right into the basement, right into the basement. Oh my god. Uh you know. So it's funny the ship we pissed the moan about. But that was yeah, it was a it was a cool, cool uh time in history for me.

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not like reunification, bro. Reunification is when everybody start, you know, when the gates open. Yeah. Uh, families are getting together that haven't yet. I mean yeah, I don't think anybody realized that they partied all the way through the night until the sun came up, because nobody was We weren't in nobody's in bars and stuff. People were just bringing

booze from every corner and crevice and glove box and trunk. You know. So right there under the uh uh the uh not the condectness, Kirsha, but the uh uh ship Brandon Burtour fuck ship right by the Brandon burg Touri. You know. So that's what a big party was and just thousands and thous and some people and fires and fireworks and bands just setting up. And I think David Hasselhoff was there too. I think he was responsible for us probably probably.

What is there? There was only one thing, only one thing right, And to me, there was so much mystique there. I knew, I knew guys there. I had some buds that went. I knew nothing about the unit or nothing at all. Went to selection and I failed. I was like, well, damn bro, I had to go back to Germany. And then I volunteered to go to Swick. You know, Special Warfare Center to be an instructor because I want because they gave me a second chance. The unit said you

could come back to selection. I had broken ankle. Uh, so they said make it a full year, make sure you're ready, that you're strong. And I was like, hell yeah, bro. Not only that, but it was a risk and a half volunteering for Swick because it was a four year commitment and nobody wants to be in swear. That's a that's a that's a that's up nailing a coffin, you know, that's a that's a bad place to be. I mean, there are good places in Swick, but I was on

like the Commo committee terminating traffic. Yeah. Uh. And then when again a year later and I did well, I was like, oh, hell yeah, man, who uh? And then planted planned my ass there for thirteen years. And then it was you know, continuously trying to level up once again, level up, level up, level up, and not only in like team positioning or unit, even against individuals because I had a bit of an ego right about me because I was I was a top performer most places where

that I went, top performer. I get to the unit and I realized I'm mediocre. I'm mediocre now maybe at the like top tier mediocre, right, but still mediocre, and I continue to be that way for years, just mediocre because it was there's a it was amazing. It was the best best place, uh you could ever work out ever. But it comes with a price, you know, long work hours, uh, a lot of uh, a lot of st us, a lot of risk, a lot of injury. And the stress

was because you're always on the bubble. They reserved the right to fire your stinking assid any given second, and it was easy to get fired from there, So you were always on the bubble, always short string, no, I say short string. They gave you a lot of slack, you know, they pulled, they tons of slack, but at the end of that slack, it's an abrupt.

simultaneous boom teams enter multiple breach points. I go into the first room and I go click instead of bang. I didn't think. I mean, my immediate action was fast, right, because I knew what happened, So slaprack, you know, instead of transitioning, I just slap rack. Slap racking got to work. And I was like, I hope nobody saw that my troops are major seat. I mean, dude, dudes' are omnipotant. You know, when you get to that level, they're they're omniptant.

They're gonna see every freaking thing. And my troops at major saw and he docked me my my proficiency pay for the month. Wow, So hit me right in the pocket book. And that was a big race. It was like two hundred dollars or something like that. I forget it was substantial, right, you know, on a g I S right paycheck, But that fast and he and he also said, he goes, hey, uh uh, you're on a shorter you know, shorter string. Now, right, something like this

happens again, we're gonna have to let you go. So it wasn't because I was like being negligent or doing something idiotic or moral and ethical. But they're going to fire you. And there's a difference, right, So when dudes do that ship or like nds, they happened, they happen, right, especially when you're when you're when you're training that much. Depending on the circumstance, a lot of times they'll fire you for a year and uh bring you back as a relook and allow you to come back again. But

anything moral or ethical dilemma anything like that, you're gone. Easy. You're done so compared to other units. Yeah, that's easy, you're out of here. Fire anything any kind of moral ethical you know, so lying, uh, d u y, cheating, you know, any of that stuff, you are freaking absolutely gone. Also, if you wane or if you're falling behind in performance. Now, if you're a good dude and you're falling behind the performance, they might find a job for you in a different

part of the building. You're not going to be a door kicker, you're not going to be an operator. But yep, very easy to get fired. And I love that. I love the accountability portion, you know, I loved it. I loved it. I mean it was heartbreaking sometimes having buds, like because I knew guys, who would I knew three people similar story. This one though, was kind of extreme. The guy was in on the weekend because dudes winning all the time, and trained, went out to train, came back,

went into his vault. Nobody's there. It's like, I don't know, seven or eight in the morning. I think he was doing night fire, you know, and Sunday comes back. He's putting his guns away and he freaking he sends one right into the floor. A d you know, he could have put some freaking putty on that thing. He turned himself in. You know, nobody was there. I know three dudes have turned themselves in for ND's three of them. Three guys turned themselves in. Nobody was there. They turned

One guy was a semunitions round. He turned himself in. Wow wow, Yeah, yep, but uh, I mean it's it was nice working in that type of environment, very nice. It was so cool, so freaking cool.

weeks and then and then it got passed to another squadron. Uh. And then it got passed to another one, and you know, we were just passing down Hey, this is just some of the stuff we learned and doing this and that, and we just pass on the info and so Sea Squadron went So after that a big focus. This was kind of cool. Wait, let me think about this, let me think about this. Nope, I'm not going to talk directly about that. I will say the next boogeyman that

we were going after was Kadafi. Yeah, so he was on the radar, so cool stories associated with that, but uh, not super comfortable talking about the deets on that one. So Kadafi, and then there was we were doing some and I'll be kind of vague on this one. We were doing some undercover stuff which put us into parts of the world that we didn't have complete autonomy, right, but uh, but the next thing that emerged was, you know, Bosnia and this new thing called Pipwick's right persons incited

for war crimes. So that the the that war had finished ninety five ninety six ish, you know, I think ninety six that was it. That was it done done? Not even sniper fire. Uh, you know, I was on Hillary Clinton's detail. Yeah, when she was under sniper fire so you can confirm snipers. It was Tusla, like one of the safest places in the world.

war crimes. These guys are badass, man, you know. So now we're back to oh we have to actually scarf these guys up, and they got to go to the Hague. You know, we can't just send out a drone or put a sniper in a in a up the uh you know, a hide sight. This ship's got to be surgical as hell.

The bomber of that story is, while it was an S and T nine eleven, nine eleven, which means everybody's deploying, but Schmuck's an we're not doing it anywhere nowhere. By the time I got over there, dudes had one hundred and fifty combat hits you know, in country or more. Yeah, and here I am. I was a oh and I was I made a nine by that point. So here I am E nine taking orders from a staff sergeant, which I didn't mind at all. Bro E nine a

private E nine? Hell yeah. The unit was probably one of the only places where you could be a private E nine. You know, to make me a door kicker is E nine? Hell yeah?

and stuff getting some and other special opportunity. But we were like it was non stop, non stop, so guys really wanted to get there because a lot of a lot of people weren't doing ship you know. But yeah, the the OTC, the operator traders course stayed, stayed pretty much exactly the same.

I had no body. Uh, and they set me over to Iraq to to check out what the support element was doing, the mechanics, the engineers, the logist loge, uh logistics guys, the cooks, all that, you know, to check them out to see how their security was and man, it was bad. It was bad, bad, bad bad, bye bad bad.

uh all of the crucive weapons. Damn it, man, I had I don't use these terms often anymore, but so all the crucive weapons, so anything that was belt fed or shoulder carried. We train them all on that. A lot of driving, a lot of vehicle based scenarios, a lot of first aid. So now these guys are going back over. When I went back over with my former squadron, we were taking them out with us and they were like on street corners, cooks, bro Yeah, a man in a MAG fifty eight. It was cool as hell. Yeah,

cool as hell. But uh, and I really like that time. I'm working with them because dude, talk about appreciation because they idolized us, you know, the support Element idolized US operators, and now you're chummy chummy with them and you're teaching them all this cool freaking commando shit and they're like, what the fuck, This is the best thing ever. And then they're doing shit with freaking operators on the ground. Yeah, man,

and it's manning. It's manning freaking security positions. But that's a big freaking nickel for an engineer, for a cook or a mechanic. Yeah, you know, you're on a freaking a mod deuce fifty cow and some of these guys like got into firefights like waw, you know, ripping rounds down down alleyways.

I've grown up? What the hell? You know? In that transition could be spooky. Yeah, I did have some groundwork set already. I picked a little hanging fruit and took a job. Even before I retired. I got offered a job corporation to a military contract stuff pay me more, and I was like, you know, in familiar territory. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, good good. And it sucked man, now that you know, since I'm out on my own.

Even when I was on my so I worked for that corporation for about four or four and a half years and they made me off. Best thing that could ever happened to me. Scary, one of the scariest moments in my life too, because I have family, little kids, all this shit, but probably one of the best things

that could have happened for growth. Right, right, we need to be very uncomfortable in order to grow, right, because we need to, we get uncomfortable, we need to we need to ship that exoskeleton and put on another exoskeleton that's a little bit bigger, right. Uh. But when I got laid off, I was like, dude, what in them? I mean? I I uh. I confided in a bunch of buddies of mine that had their own businesses, and

they all said that they could get me work. But they all said the same thing, just do it on your own, Just do it on your own. And man, I did, and it worked out. It worked out. Now, Ebbs and flows right when you run your own I mean deep dark holes, highs, just one freaking thing after the other. It never stopped ebbs and flows. I mean, but I was doing well. But I knew I was working a lot this.

So let's train like professional athletes. But so twenty ten is when I generated tam Max my company, and I was working my ass off the same time going through it. Just an absolute bludgeon fest of marriage, a tail end tail end. It was real bad, real bad. I'd married something. You know, at the beginning of this, it was six in your relationship at the beginning of it is cool. She just lovested me that she had some healthy ish mental issues, but she was taking meds and everything. But

pretty soon, you know, bipolar. So but pretty soon she started abusing the meds right and drinking on them. Now, that fucks up the neural receptors in your head real bad. You know, when you're abusing prescription meds, which are absolute poison. If you're on prescription meds, try to get off of them. There's plenty of alternatives out there. Mother nature knews how to take care of us. Oh man, that shit drives me crazy. So she became a rave, absolute, raving lunatic,

just delusional and paranoid. It was bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad bad bad. For years. I lived in a bonus room above my garage for five years, but I finally that one came to then, thanks to the police in my town. Long story. I'd go on for freaking two hours on that one. And that was two thousand thirteen. Twenty thirteen was my worst year and my best year,

all wrapped in one, all wrapped in one. See those of you out there listening who did any kind of government contract stuff in twenty thirteen, you remember this thing called sequestration. Sequestration, bro, My calendar was full twenty thirteen. You know, Secret Service Border Patrol eighty second they're born, just one after the other. Sequestration happened in January twenty thirteen. Light switch click, no work, Wow, you got no work? And I mean, you know, And I'm at the tail

end of a doors, right that's January March. I move out, and I'm assuming this debt because we already been through a few mediations and I've been through tons of mediations already, right, tons of I am spending so much on lawyers and trying to clear this debt. It was after it was an absorbited in him out. I'm not even gonna mention the number. It was ridiculous because I didn't even know that you could run like a debit card as a credit card, you know, because my ex was doing all

this shit. I had no idea, and I had to assume all this shit. Oh my god, because I thought it was just a debit card. You know, it's debit, it's that card. But some of them come with, you know, thirty thousand dollars worth of credit. Surprise, it was a lot of them. But so thirteen that all that shit happened, I move out. I'm close to my kids. I'm five hundred yards away in a condo. Uh. Sequestration, not getting paid. Just one freaking shit storm after the other.

second lease on life. So in order to get a second lease on life, shit's got to be pretty bad, right, you know, you gotta be down and out, you got to be a maybe a junkie, or or go completely bankrupt or you know, shit's got to be bad. You know you've suffered major loss.

and satisfied and busy as I am right now. I would do all that ship over again. I would do all that I would do. I would I would one do all that bullshit. I would live in that bonus room for five years. I would be accused of being of of of cheating six seven, eight times a day, having the cops come over showing them how I'm bugging the house, how the TV's bugged. How I'm operating the TV from Il Passo through my cell phone? How you know? Uh uh I The accusations were just freaking stupid. It

was so there was so many of them. But I would, I would change it. I would. I wouldn't change any of that because of what I have.

they've got they need that. They need that camaraderie, that teamwork, that fulfillment, that work with meaning. I I didn't. I was dealing with it well initially. But when I when I was going through the last five years of that marriage, it was it was bad. It was real bad. I was I found myself in a very very deep, dark hole. It was like the pit of despair. I like to say that I could joke about any portion of my life,

any injury, any mishap, the want. This one, though, is hard for me to joke about, but it's important to talk about. I ran into a massive three to four year long spell of depression. I had no idea what depression is. But I was almost quitting. I was quitting on me. I was quitting. I was quitting. I was quitting. I was accepting mediocrity. Did you know you were sorry. Did you know you were quitting or was it? Nope,

there was I had no idea. I was so tired of hearing and having to you know, you know, hearing I'm going to take a fall down the stairs, call the cops and tell them you pushed me. You know. It was just non stop or having the cops come and say, hey, we found your wife in the village and she's drunken on drugs. I was so tired. I was just tired, tired, tired. It was non stop. There was not a day break. There wasn't a day not

a daybreak. I doubt that there were a couple hours of break in there, because even when I would go on trips, I'm I'm in, like I mentioned, like l Pass or training the border patrol, and my phone would ring non fucking stop, NonStop. Yeah.

in love with you. And he started crying. I don't know how old he was, I forget. I could do the math. I'n to figure out. Probably eight or something like that, but maybe younger sid six. Uh. And I realized, man, and I put him in bed. I realized, this kid needs me. Man, he needs me. I have to be around. And I said, well, I don't know where this came from. But I put up my running shoes, set an alarm clock, put out my iPod, got up early. It was a Saturday or so, it was a weekend day, and I

just started. I just started running. You know. It was like a forest gump thing. What do I do? And let me just go for a run. And dude, I ran for like an hour and a half. I mean it was a long time. I didn't run across Greenbelt County, but you know, I ran for I ran for a long time. And then I came back and I did not want to go inside. I had to go inside to get food before I go up to my bonus room, but I didn't want to go in there. Uh. And then I realized, well, I'm going to work out more

here in the driveway. And as I'm working out, a couple things came to mind. One is I felt relief, you know, after that run. Relief, I mean good like I was remembering who the fuck I was. I was remembering this, and I said to myself, I will not. You will not defeat me. I will not be defeated. There's no freak away, there was no way. And and that's what I made up that mind, right, did I just got I just gave myself goosebumps. Yeah, I will not. And then and another part of me was saying, yeah,

but bro, you're You're buried. You're buried, And I said nope. I counter argued, I said, nope, I have been planted. I'm gonna grow out of this ship. I'm gonna fucking grow out of it, and I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna get stronger. So worse than best year, worst and best year, but that was one of the highlights right there that changed that that old school mindset, you know, just a uh, you know, good sanity check. But it's back.

It's back to your origin story, right. It's that is that you're not gonna break me.

I recovered from all this and got my shit together, and I just saw something. You know, they were bitter, you know what I mean, better, And a couple guys looked at me like I had a dick grown out of my forehead. But they so appreciated it where I pulled him aside and say, hey, man, come out sometime, get out. I know you said you don't come out. Come out, come out and get a pint. Here's my number, give me a shot sometime. So I'm not saying that,

I know, you know what I mean. I'm not putting them in a bad position, right, but I am opening the door, and so many of them have taken it, and afterwards they've gone, dude. I cannot fucking tell you how much I appreciate because the guys are crying for help. I don't think they have a real breaking issue.

the cure. I stole that U line from Josh Collins, buddy mine, but that connection is definitely the cure.

period that you went on to live. Dude, it's the one I'm living right now now. It's I'll give you the reader's digest version. So meeting Rebecca changed changed change my life, right. So now I had meaning again, but I was working. I was busy again. So in twenty thirteen, I found work, I found more. I was able to regenerate. But I felt good. I had this renewed enthusiasm, you know. And and I just felt good. I was motivated, and I had the discipline to to to kind of nurture

the motivation. Uh And and when when I met Rebecca, I was, Dude, there's so many corny lines I'm gonna say, but one of them is I never I never knew what it meant in my adult lifetime until I met Rebecca to truly fall in love with somebody. I never knew until I'm her, never knew it. And now that I have it, I like it. And it's We've been together almost ten years. We haven't had a crossword. She's my best friend. I miss She's at school right now. She's going to school full time, uh, for to be

a psychologist. And I'm like dude, I can't wait for you to come home. So we figure a glass of wine together and watch some TV. But worked, we were we both we worked our asses off, man. But uh uh uh sweat equity, you know, with with freedom through discipline. Yeah, with discipline comes freedom. So we both worked and worked and worked. So for ten years, ten years, I did four courses a month, traveling on a plane for most

of them. Ten years. Brutal. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, with two with two big publican cases, shitty flight, shitty rental car, shitty hotel, shitty range, get back on a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, maintenance Thursday, you plan your trip Friday, your back on a play. Ten years, ten years, and then what happens the virus from China, China kinda virus, So the lockdown happened. I refused to call it a pandemic. The lockdown happened.

met in person because we'll do bi annual meetups. So extremely eclectic group. The skill sets are all over the map. Uh So I have that I you know, I had the fitness program and the combat strength training and I sell those resistance bands. And after you know, Coronication, everybody was doing home gym. So I was like, dude, I could I could just be the rubber band man. I

was making a living selling rubber bands. I was like, damn, this ship people want because because I developed these bands that are tubular instead of the flat ones, you know, so they just last long, they're so versatile.

kid's book. I am doing more drawings. I've opened my calendar up to doing private uh one on one classes. I'm still doing the fitness uh training, you know, online training and programming and uh and trying to stay fit as ship in the process, which you know who it gets tougher, it gets tougher to no doubt. If this shit don't get easier, you know now you know, don't get easier. But you know what, you know what I have,

You have this advantage. I have a and I always want to tell them my so my fan base, my my my audience. Right, so like half million on Instace shizzle and fifty thousand on LinkedIn, and uh, you know, I don't know that millions and millions of views on YouTube channel. They motivate me because they always ask how do you stay motivated? It's like, bro, you motivate me. I'm doing this shit for you because I know you're looking forward to it. You're counting on me. I have

to post this workout because you're counting on me. So I always have to thank my my fan base because I got it. It would be real hard to do it without them, real hard. You know that.

hell yeah, but that doesn't define me, right. What defines me is me right now, right here, and what I'm going to do tomorrow, which is get drunk.

all comprised of dots. I don't think the y yep. Yeah, so the whole thing is dots. You know, it's all it's all for your dots. That's amazing. So with a you know, with a point uh to any point two five rapidiograph drafting pen. Yeah, but yeah, it's fun. Is that?

brain to become stagnant. You know, when you see something that's interesting and you say that'd be cool to learn that, well go fucking learn it, man, you know, put one just one foot, just one foot in front of the other, and see what happens. You know, because a lot of times we'll say that ship, but we won't start ran is a start point. You don't have to commit. But if you if you start right, that'd be cool. That'd be cool. I would like to learn how to do that.

What's the next step? Let me watch a YouTube video on this, but just easy as that. It's as easy as you know. And then and then you could take it one step further, you know, if it appeals. But yeah, I like to do shit. I like to do things. I like to do that. I have to say this one, you know, the basic dude stuff.

it's like to hurt. Yeah, And and I think we take for granted what feeling good feels like. Oh yeah, how about this. I think we take for granted what not feeling like shit feels like. Yeah, because a lot of people don't know what feeling good feels like, because they've never felt like shit, you know, they've through it for an extended period of time. But I think, you know,

I'm an outdoorsman. I want to spend more time just walking around looking at stuff, taking photos, fishing in streams that no white man is fished out of, you know, getting way up into the mountains, and just ripping freaking lips with the smallest you know, twenty two size twenty two fly. And yeah, I just that kind of thing.

But I still want to be busy. You know. People say, yeah, when I retire, it's going to be a sandy beach and cigar.

Pat mac us history teacher. I think I think that well. I think that's one of the things I want to do. So I have a target demographic with a lot of the stuff that I'm doing, and it's younger people. I want to have a positive influence on younger people, you know, kids to teenagers, because yeah, they need it. They need it right now. Yeah they need That's cool, man. Do we have any questions for Pat we've got to so oh.

They paved the way for me because they started before me doing this. I owe them a debt of gratitude, not for what they've done in the military, but how they've succeeded outside the military. These guys are bad ass, bro. Uh. Paul Harper, thank you very much. Uh.

cardinal directions. You gotta know how to freaking read shit. You gotta know shadows, you gotta know street craft, you gotta know all that craft you know. You gotta know old school communication. You gotta know dead drop sites, signal sites, how to do a PM because we suck at that now too, personal meat, you know, we suck at communication skills, inter face to face communication skills. Get back to the old school ship. I'm right on this.

all right? Anyway, I wish I could really address them because it would be more personal, but I empathize because chronic pain, uh sucks. Bat and I had to get to a point, oh man, this was bad. It was really bad where I could no longer rely on motivation because I have no no enthusiasm, no motivation. So I had to rely on discipline, on discipline. I had to lie, rely on my routine, my daily planner. I live off

of white white ports. I got a year there, and my laundry room I have the next couple weeks and refrigerator. I have what's going on tomorrow every night, every night. Right now, when I get off of this, I'm going to go down and write my workout on that board, so that first thing in the morning that I see. Because motion is lotion, mobility is survivability. So your body's telling you don't work out. Your brain, I mean, your brain is telling your body, don't work out, don't do it.

Sit on that reclinent because that shit hurts. It hurts, man. I had no you know, you see these commercials and shit record art writers. I'm like, whatever, a bunch of pussies. Dude, that shit hurts so bad. You're you're constantly fiddling with hands and wrists, your shoulders, well with the PMR. It shoulders, hips, joints, muscles, it's jaw lining. It's back of the head, it's arches of the feet, it's everything. It's everything. You deal with

it the best you freaking can. Here's the thing, though, I wish I had his name because I want to talk to him, is give it a name and give it a bad place to live. Give it let it live in a shithole. Work out, you know, when it tells you not to eat healthy when it tells you because you have you probably have a lack of appetite because you might be taking like prednizone or something. Nope, fuck that, eat healthy. It's telling you not to. It's

telling you, you know, eat stuff, crussed pizza. Yeah, tell it. Fuck you. Give it a name. I called mine the demon. I'm at almost to you now. I'm beating this thing. I'm beating it. Oh and that's the other thing. I went out all prescription mets. Oh. Here's another thing, dude, I wish I had his name once again. Infrared sona magic for this shit. Magic infrared sauna. I bought one from my garage. Guarantee you, dude, in your town somewhere there's a salt spot with infrared sauna. Go sit in one.

Make it hot as shit because infrared sauna doesn't heat the air around you, eat your body. Are those they say, one hundred and thirty Those are the personal ones that you sit in like that are around you right there like a big room, right okay, yep, yep. So that that that's my advice right now on that. God.

But now you're gonna see it. You're seeing a difference already past couple of weeks, the people who really have notes. But but yeah, I had to rely on discipline, so my whiteboard, planning, ah, soul searching, just you know, I because so many times I'm drawn to the recliner, and so many times I say, let me just sleep for half an hour, and so many times I would say nope, I'm not so then I would start the process because

I know I have to work out. I have to if I want to move for the rest of the day. And every every ounce of my being is saying, don't do it, don't do it. So you have to dress the part number one. So I have to put my Batman outfit on. And for me, it was like a headband and you know, just whatever, put the headband on, put the watch cap on. Then you show up. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, and then you show up. You got to show up. It would take me half an hour to an hour to warm up.

You need to wear his stupid German clothes, really tight pants. Yeah, yeah, just you know, i'd like twenty years behind and the pack yeah, fanny pack. Yeah, and now when we died. No, definitely, definitely in Berlin.

And And it was because I was I was telling the truth, but I was using There was a there was a question guys for answer asking me, And it's just it was so fucking stupid.

I can stand in my circle right right? Because they pressed me and pressed me and pressed me on and I stuck in my circle. Yeah, they I should I just should have came out so oh yeah, yeah, that's what I was doing. You guys know all about that. Yeah, and then it would have been a twenty minute board instead of an hour and twenty.

go obscure here. I'm not gonna go. You know. Another one that I dig is Plague Years. I hope they do so. I hope they hope they do so. I hope they get some traction. Man. I just they're really really dark and sludgie, you know, sludgie and dark because I don't like it. I don't like it super fast and just NonStop double bass. I like, you know, sludgy and dark and you know, like cobblestone streets and and rusty metal and like a gong. If I had a

metal band, I'd have a big freak. I'd have an anvil and.

dot more so. No, I'm not gonna share it right here. You do know, I get about one hundred more requests for this now, like throughout that's right, yeah, because now they're getting to go the don't want to poke the bear. Yeah, exactly. People have found that I'm gonna tell them that. I'm gonna tell them. So it's Metal Mac Attack Spotify playlist Metal Macmac Attack. Uh.

Yeah dig the up Secret Service Cat Team. I know that's they're still Leo's, but it's federal, right because I worked with them a bunch. Oh, I see here, man, there's so many of them in Texas. You know, let's just say Texas in general because there's so many whether you're going to Houston, Austin, Dallas, I mean, uh, wherever it is. There's just tons of them, tons of teams. You know. North Carolina's got a bunch. I work with them here. Not yeah, that one there, I would need

to I would need time for that one too. Sorry, but I but I did mentioned a couple. Yeah, wasn't it.

It's not that. It's that separation, you know, it's that.

awesome to finally do it. If there's anything we can do, hit us up anytime, please, final thoughts, anything I failed to cover at all, that you that you want to throw out there.