I'm Tony. I'm Eric. We are the sons of San Fernando. But we've been friends for over 40 years. And grew up together in the San Fernando Valley. These are the stories of our experiences as adventurous Gen X latchkey slackers from back in the day. And don't forget to hit the follow or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode. Um. You know what? I do. I hate... Mickey Mouse. Six Flags. Magic Mouse. Same smell. I was driving by it the other day. Hate is a strong word
for a theme park. Yeah, and I feel like it's accurate. Have you always hated Six Flags? I've always hated it, even before I went. All six? Before I was born. Every single goddamn flag is bad, and let me tell you why. Well, when we were kids... I used to love it. We'd go there all the time. I loved Magic Mountain. Well, let me play... We call it Magic Mountain here. We call it Magic Mountain. Why do you love Magic Mountain slash The Guns? I don't
love it anymore. I used to love it. Why did you love it? Oh, just the excitement of those rides, man. You go upside down on the Revolution and you go super fast on... The Revolution. Do you remember what they said at the beginning of the Revolution? Yeah, it went something like this. Revolution. Okay, but here's my version. Can I do my version? Please. It's very similar. Okay. So don't get your hopes up. Keep your hopes really low. Keep the expectations up.
Ready? There's no expectations. All right, here's how I'm going to do the same hand cover mouth thing. Your revolution was better. The ending was exactly. The revolution. Yeah, there was always- The branding. Maybe I should keep the hand over, no, I'll stop the revolution. Is that better? You should probably just keep your hand over your mouth all the time. All the time. Then nobody would have to listen to you. I don't like it because you go and there's no vibe.
There's no vibe. There was? It's all about pukey rides. Okay. Rides that make you york. No. That makes you schlack. York. That make you york. Michael York? You never heard of York? I heard York, yeah. New, old, all the Yorks. Old Yorks? Oh, I get it, New York. Growing up, back in the day, we used to go all the time, and it was a lot of fun. It was a cheap way to get your thrills, cheap thrills. The coasters were fast, Colossus was huge. You get up to
the top of Colossus, they put in, what was that crazy one, Viper? Oh yeah. Well, those are all old. I mean, now they're terrifying. They don't compare. Cause like now you're hanging upside down. You're flying backwards. Yeah from like 70 stories high. Yeah. They hold you by your underwear. No. I want to try that one. Yeah. Is that called the wedgie? Flying wedgie. It's 90 miles an hour held by your Tidy whiteys. Yeah. Okay, well. Yeah. I don't know what you're
wearing. The flying wedgie. Now you do. Oh good Lord. I know you didn't want to. Wish I didn't. I know. No, I didn't like it. I much preferred a theme park with some soul. You mentioned Pukey rides. I do mention Pukey rides. And I will concede that there was one ride at Six Flags. That was Pukey? Well, the Spinout. Oh, good God. That was Barf Out, was the name of that ride. So it was basically like, if you were strapped to a roulette wheel, but standing
up. And here's the thing, that is an old carny ride that you see at every carnival anywhere, right? Where you get in a little roulette wheel. and you put your back to it, they spin you around, you stick to it, but then there were some things that were a little different in Spin Out that they didn't have in these other carny rides. One, there was a roof, so your inside. That's right. It's doubly pukey. And didn't they tilt it? Well, they do, I think.
I think they tilted it. They definitely tilt the carnival ones. And the floor, didn't the floor drop? And then the floor drops out. Cause you're sticking to the wall. And the thing, here's the thing about that. The floor, you're at a ceiling, so you're like, inside's disgusting. I'm literally getting nauseous talking about this. then the floor drops out from under you
and you don't stick that well in this. Not everybody sticks to the wall perfectly. A lot of people would slide down to the floor and then as the floor starts coming back up they would get smashed. How was that not like a liability nightmare? That is a testament to the fact that people did not used to sue each other. See, I used to, I didn't mind that ride because on the playgrounds, remember those giant metal. Yeah, the- The poorly things that you get on that
were like super stupid. The merry-go-round. Is that what it was? Yeah, they're called merry-go-round. Was it with the, where you just get on spin at high speed and then jump on? Yeah. And then somebody would stay off of it, somebody would stay off of it, spin the living fuck out of it, and then you would try to jump off into hopefully into the sand and not the asphalt. Because we're so fucking dangerous. It was amazing. I know, but we did jump off into asphalt. But
I loved those. I loved those too. So therefore I enjoyed- Here's the thing. I enjoyed spin out until- But wait. Don't tell me the until, I just want to say one last thing about the merry-go-round. You could jump off at any time. You could bail. You can't bail out of spin out. Okay, now give me the until. Well, on the merry-go-round, everybody just had a good old time. They go around merrily. Yeah, hence the merry. But on- They should call it a gay-go-round.
But on spin- Merry. A merry-go-round. But on spin- A jolly-go-round. It started getting- Would you like to jump on my jolly-go-round? How much is that going to cost? Spinout became a problem because there was about an 84% chance that you get puke on you. Yeah, because everybody's puking. Yeah, and so that, like, if you enjoy the ride and you didn't puke, you all of a sudden did not enjoy the ride because you're covered in vomit.
And here's the great thing about puking on Spinout. You know what it is. They give you a voucher for a free hot dog after? Yes, but prior to that, the puke sticks to the wall and your face and your body. There's zero G's. It goes straight back into the wall and on your face. How do people not choke to death? Now there is, number one, a liability. Number two, possibly the worst job in the history of theme parks is the guy has to clean the hose out, spin
out. I would imagine, I would like to find out. I wonder if there's like a website dedicated. to how like the average puke per day, like the PPD on spin out. In like pints, gallons? No, I'm gonna go by individual pukes. Individual pukes, okay. One puke per day, 10 pukes, what is the PPDs? Oh man, that's gotta be dozens. On average. Dozens, dozens. Dozens of PPDs, yeah. I would say- During or after. If I had to make an educated guess about that, I would
say that on spin out, it was probably, you figure they're open from what? Nine to midnight? Ish. Okay, so that's a lot of hours. That's a lot of vomit. What is that, 15 hours? 16 hours, something like that? I can't do math. So you figure every three hours you got one puke? Yeah. What is that, five? Oh dude, that's generous. Oh, you think it's a 10 PPD? I think it's more than that. Okay, all right. I'll give it a 10 PPD. Okay, we'll do some research. We'll do
some research, and if anybody wants to write in. But that was just one. Write in, write us a letter. To our PO box and let us know what the PPD is. Do the math. We're excited to know, but we had so many theme parks. Here in LA? In Southern California. That we had a lot to choose from, so if you didn't wanna go there. The old theme parks. Yeah, well. We had a bunch of old theme parks. Give me one of yours. Do you remember the old theme parks? Bush Gardens.
Oh, dude, I had forgotten until right this very moment. It was at the- Bush motherfucking gardens. Dude, Bush Gardens at the brewery. The brewery. Uh huh, in the middle of the goddamn valley. That place was the best, they had a water ride. They did, they had a loom. A plume, a flume. It was like a luge. Isn't that what they're called? No, not a luge. A flume, a flume. Yeah, a flume. A plume, a plume, a plume. Yeah, and it was like a fucking real ride. It was really
good. And I think they had. It was a real ride. Did they have like strollers, you know, in the parks with like dressed as beers? It was just a guy's big bottle of beer. Yeah, or a bottle of beer would make more sense. That sounds like something out of The Simpsons. The only thing I remember, the only ride I remember at Busch Gardens was that flume ride, the water ride. Busch Gardens. Because it wasn't huge. Like they didn't have a, it wasn't like Disneyland.
I'm wondering if there were any other rides. There might not have been. Because all I remember was the flume too. I think we just, you know why? I can still smell the hops. Because our parents... put us on the flume over and over again while they went and got high up hammered. Did they get free beer when you're at Busch Gardens? Is that what it was? It was like six, how the fuck would I know if you got free beer? I'm just wondering. I don't know. Again, somebody
will write in. Yeah, was there a sampler? A beer flight. I'm sure, but they didn't have flights. It was a can. Well, little Johnny's on the flume. Daddy's getting hammered on a flight. They should have had like six pack rides where you get like on top of a beer can. And then you try to pull those. You remember those caps that used to be on beer cans that were like a little, there was a little aluminum because they were aluminum can. I know there were 10
cans for a while. Right. And they had those little like aluminum foil covers for the mouth. Well, but they were still, it wasn't just aluminum foil. There was a pull tab and there was a pull tab. But that wasn't just foil, it was a piece of tin. It was sharp as fuck. Right, there was that too. But there was like the, on the V8s had the little foil. Okay, I'm thinking of the beers my dad used to have where you would pull it and it would come all the way off.
Yeah, I can hear the sound. And then you had this. You had this weapon. I mean, you could- Oh, it was deadly. You could- Slice a throat. A jugular is gone with that thing. Gone, no jugular. But then the genius came up with the kind of pull tab where you pulled the open and then you folded it back down and it stayed on the can. I don't remember those. Yeah, they were kind of where you would pop it to open the can and then push it back open. And you
could pop them back down? Yeah, yeah. What happened to that? I don't know, I stopped drinking beer when I was like 11. Yeah, that's too bad. I mean, come on, when you've got Knott's Berry Farm, Bush Gardens, and the Big D. in SoCal, why would you go to Six Flags Magic Mountain? Unless you just want to get on vomit rides. That's the only difference. But you go to Disneyland and you've got all the vibes of Disneyland, you've got the relationship to the movies and
the television shows. You've got the different lands where you're in a different land. I am not in the same land. No. Even. And this is the thing, I don't know if this still exists at Disneyland, but first of all, remember we used to go to Disneyland and where did you park? At like Eeyore right, but it was one open Eeyore you're right. It was a we'd park over at poo You parked in poo parked in poo. Yeah, I parked in Eeyore or goofy or goofy. Yeah,
you part yeah or a Maleficent one flat Giant parking lot. Yeah, was it just one part not a parking structure now. It's California Adventure that parking lot. Yeah, right Yeah It was just one parkway. And it was great because you could take the tram. It was so exciting. You'd park like 60 fucking miles away in the parking lot and a tram would come get you and bring you to the happiest place on earth. You'd have to get there at like 3 a.m. and then by the time
the tram got you and picked you up, you were in the park at eight. Right, you're in the park at eight o'clock. But what fun, what an amazing thing. And then you had to go buy a bunch of tickets. Oh dude. After you buy your ticket. You buy your ticket and then you buy a bunch of tickets. A ticket book. So. e-ticket. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.
Okay, there was the A through E tickets. For people who don't know, because younger folks might be listening to this, it used to be that you didn't just buy your $200 fucking dollar ticket to go to fucking... Yeah, you still had to pay an admission fee. You did. But you get a book of tickets, and the rides were ranked... A through E. Strangely, E being... You know, that is super weird. And strangely, this is what was backwards. A should be the best ride.
No, the E's were the best rides. So... I can game up with that. So they ranked all of the rides and attractions with a letter, A through E. And if you only had so many tickets, so many E tickets, you had so many D tickets. Right, it was a book. It was a book. It was a book, like a checkbook. You tear out a little ticket. And here's our ticket for this ride. And then
when you ran out, that was it. No more fucking e-rides. It was more carnival-esque. And let me just say, they also sold, do you remember, they also sold weighted books, depending on what you wanted to ride. If you wanted to ride, you know, the Space Mountain and the Matterhorn and the big shit, then you would get in. Well, it was before Space Mountain. It was probably just. before Space Mountain. But if you wanna ride the big rides, you would get the E-weighted,
which is much more money than the Dumbo weighted. Yeah, but if you're just taking the real, real small kids and you're not even going on those big rides, you get the A-weighted. So you're gonna go on Mr. Toad's like 5,000 times. Listen, Mr. Toad's is an amazing ride. Dude. Maybe one of the best rides there. Okay, I'm glad that you agree. I love me some Mr. Toad. It's terrifying. It's twists and turns. But it's so scary. I don't know how they managed to
make that so frightening. So is, there's another one. What's the other one that you wouldn't think is frightening? Peter Pan is good. It's a little scary, not as scary as Mr. Toad. Nothing is as scary as Mr. Toad. Yeah, I love going to Disney, but then you get older and then it's- I haven't been there in a- bazillion years, but you know. It's also like a bazillion dollars to go. But then there's another, we also have another one in the valley. I mean, technically
it's still the valley. There's, I can't believe, man, the valley gets too much. We get just right from the valley. Which other one are you thinking of? What do you mean which other one am I thinking of? There is another amusement park. I guess you call it an amusement. Yeah, it's an amusement park in the San Fernando Valley. How are you not, you seriously don't know what I'm talking about? Yeah, oh wait, that used to be. What is wrong with you? I don't know,
lots. Do you have time for a list? Let's see, you worked there. Oh, jeez! Of course. Oh, yeah, okay, so you mean the what? It's the movies. You mean the one that I can actually see out my window right now? Yeah, there it is, I'm looking at it. Yeah, there it is, the Universal. Universal Studios, yeah, it's the movies. Yeah. Universal Studios. Universal Studios, right there. It's the movies. It is literally outside your window. Yeah, okay, so I couldn't figure
it out. I was blinded by the mouse. So again, for those who don't know, Eric and I both worked there at the same time. At 15, 15? 16. 16, we were 16, it was 19, the year was 1987. Yes, and we were show controllers. Yeah. You wanna explain to the listener who we did? Yeah, you basically were the lowest of the low. Well, no, maybe, I think that maybe the food service was lowest of the low. Well, not maybe janitorial. No, I think we might have been. Yeah, because
we had to stand and do nothing. When you're janitorial, you've got a purpose. You're cleaning something up. When you're food service, you're feeding people, giving them nourishment and sustenance. When you're working in the merch, you are giving people souvenirs that they cherish for a lifetime. But when you're a show controller, you literally stand with a megaphone. You get a megaphone, which is nice. Yeah, it was the perk of the job. And you do nothing. You literally
stand there and do nothing. Yeah, we actually, I mean, the thing is, we weren't, it wasn't really well defined. So show controllers at Universal Studios, we did various things. We would make show announcements in the park with our megaphone. I did. Yeah, right this way for the 1215 Animal Show. You did not sound like that when you said that. Did you say right this way? Yeah, I know I went, I tried to sound old timey. Right this way for the one. 15 animals.
I don't remember doing that, but I remember having the megaphone. I must have had the megaphone for a reason. I must have done that. I'll, this is what I remember the job being. There were two things that I remember. This is it. Standing and people would ask me questions. More or less. When's the next show? Now, the greatest part about that question is it was usually standing next to a sign that literally had- The information that they were asking, yeah.
That said, next show with a little slider in it that showed the night at the time. but they would walk up to me and say, when's the next show? That was the number one job. Second job was this, excuse me, sir, can you please stand up and move all the way down to your right, all the way to your right? Sliding people. No, if you could just slide a little, sir, yeah, sir, can you all the way down? That was my job. Yeah, so Tony's describing, sliding, we would
have to get- They should have called us sliders. Now I want a burger. Where, well, okay, so we worked at the five show. Can you name all the shows that we worked at in Universal at that time? Yes. There are five, right? Uh, let's see if I can get them all. Miami Vice, Conan. Yeah, excuse me, Conan the Barbarian. Next. Continue. Uh, Miami Vice, Conan, uh, Screen Test Comedy Theater. Oh, I wouldn't, you're 100% correct, I forgot about that. Animal Show.
Animal Show. Wild West Show. Wild West Show. What was your favorite? Oh, and then photon wasn't a show. That was more of a game. And then Barbie and the Rockers. Barbie and the Rockers and Kit-Kar. I mean, they're so, yeah, yeah. And Kit-Kar, right. By the way, I got a great Kit-Kar story, but we'll get to that. But wait, hold on. What was your favorite show? Conan. Oh, Conan was your favorite show? Conan and Miami Vice. Oh, really? Miami Vice Action
Spectacular was an action spectacular. Wow, I gotta say. It should have never gotten rid of that. Those are like, mine didn't even land in your one and two. Why number one? I worked the Wild West show a ton. I love this fun show. You know why I like Conan? Because- Of Red Sonja. Yeah, I know. One time, Eric and I were doing laundry. Yeah, we- In the tower. Yeah, they had the laundry in the tower of Conan. And the show was going on. They would shimmy
down, Red Sonja would shimmy down the ropes. And we're all of 15, 16, and Red Sonja in that outfit. What outfit? Running by us, oh my God. It's like, we were like dead, and we're like, hey, hi, Red Sonja. You sound like Peter Brady. Hi. It is time to change. And we're like these ridiculous 16 year old dorks, and she was sweet and like, was like, hey guys, and she said something to us, I don't remember, when she ran by. Yeah, when she's wearing her like loin
cloth. And she was running literally to her entrance, where she comes down the road. She has to come down like what, 50, 60 feet down a road. Conan? Conan, where are you? That was it, how was that? That was very good. Wait, let me try it again. Hold on. Okay. Conan? Conan, where are you? You sound like a very manly woman. God damn. And here's the reason I like working that show is because we generally worked in the summer because we were 16. It
was spring and summer. Generally a billion degrees outside. So Conan, you worked in- And we were not making a billion dollars. No, you know how much we were made? Five, four, three. Two, one, Earth, be low. 375, 385 an hour. 385 was minimum wage back then. What, it was 385? No, we were in the union. We were in the IATSE union. So we made like 425 or 435, but it didn't matter because the union dues wound up. bringing it down to the equivalent of three. Right, back
to the friggin' minimum wage. Yeah, so we were truly making about $3.85 an hour. How do you remember this shit, dude? What is wrong with your brain? I have nothing better to do with my brain. I cannot believe you remember the minimum wage. So working inside was better, because Conan was inside. Cool, it was always cool. It was really cool. And we, yeah, and it was like all misty, moisty. Yeah, it was moist. It was moisty misty, and then the friggin'
dragon. That was a great show. Um, it was, uh, and Taylor Swift stole the dragon for her re most recent concert. I don't know if you saw her most recent concert, but a giant like Cobra comes up. It is exactly like the dragon and Conan. I was watching it with miles. She probably bought it for like 50 bucks. They're like, we can use that at some point. Some roadie bought it. And he's like, I have got just the thing. for this tour. I remember the animal show and
people were so stupid. They were like, put some sequins on it. It'll be fine. It's good. Yeah, it's fine. The animal show used to feature that remember the, at some point they had like a Falcon or a Hawk in a box all the way. Hawk in a box. The old Hawk in the box. Yes. You know what his name was? Jock? Mike. It's Jock the Hawk in the box. No, it was Mike Hawk. Mike. You never saw Mike Hawk in the box? Okay, keep going. I'm not even gonna acknowledge
it because frankly- Everybody loved Mike Hawk. I stand her wrong. Hold on. Wait a minute. You're going, I can't believe you're just glossing over Jacques the Hawk in the box. Mine was fantastic and you gotta go low. You had to go low. All right, continue. There was a hawk. Jacques. Mike in the box. And at some point during the show, the animal trainer on stage would tell everybody, you know, hey, turn around and look at the top of the you know, the arena
at jock at jock. Well, there was a box, they couldn't see a bird. And like, look at the and then said box would open and said hawk or Falcon or whatever it was would come out of the box and swoop over it was swooping. Yeah, it was swooping over the crowd right. to his arm. Now, we should define swooping, because I remember this very well. And that hawk swooped at about three inches above everyone's head. Which was a problem. And I don't know why they kept doing this, because there was one time,
I saved both Mike. My cock. And a patron, because some patron decided, I'm gonna get up during this. as soon as they say, oh, hey there. To see. Yeah. To see my cock. And of course, well, you wouldn't get a good close up look at my cock. I don't blame him. So he, and of course the guy who stands up just happens to be in line with where the bird is going to fly. So he gets up with his video camera, that's by the way, the size of a Pontiac. Yeah, of course. Back in the eighties. And
he turns around and I'm like. Sound! Did he said? And this guy hit the deck so fast and the bird flew right where his head vacated. He would have gotten speared. Here's my question to you. Why do that? Eric, here's my question to you. Imagine had you not sat that man down and the show that those people would have gotten. from that hawk slamming into that man. It would have been death by hawk. And his Pontiac on his shoulder. It would have been death by hawk.
It would have been amazing. This story. Hawk hits man, man drops VHS recorder, size of a Pontiac onto somebody in front of him, another death, it's ma'am. This. I would have had to clean it up. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I was looking out for me. It would have been a better story though, had the guy died. I don't care about Mike Hawk or the guy. I just care about me. It's Jacques the Hawk in a box. Okay, I read a lot of Dr. Seuss. This is why we worked
there. There was, it was a lot of- And then I continued to work there. Now here's the thing. I was a tour guide later after, so in 88, I think, or 89, 89 I started being a tour guide, but you had to go through this ridiculous fucking- audition process and three weeks of training. You had to get through the audition process, like a hundred people would show up to a cold call. You get through that and there's like 30 of us, and then we had to get up and do
like an improvisation, which is fucking crazy. And then, then they would still cut half of the group. Then the people that remained, we had to do a three week training process where we memorized the freaking Bible that was 300 pages of song material. Yeah, it was a long tour, man. Wait a second. Then you had to do an on-tram. test where you did a section of the tour and then they told you if you get the job or not. This is weeks into this process.
Now having said what the minimum wage was at that time and having said what the process was to get this job, you would think that the job would then pay at a rate that was substantially higher than what we were getting as show controllers. I would say so. Guess what I was making? Five dollars an hour. Five fifty, yeah. Whoa, big money. That was the starting. You could afford more chicken strips at lunch. But this is, remember, this is two, three years later. This is 1889,
two years later. Still, five fifty after all of that. You were disposable. Remember the kit car? From Knight Rider? Are we talking about like the actual one that was at Universal? Yeah, the one that was at Universal. So that was an attraction. It wasn't a show, but people would line up to sit in the car and have. kit talk to them. So when people would come sit in the car, it was live. I think the one guy Bill was the one that I would I would open
the park. And we would do tests before the park home for people came in. But when we were doing the prep, like to soundcheck everything. Oh my god, Bill, he was unbelievable. He would get in there and be like, alright, let's you know, test the mic, Bill. He's like, Hey, baby, grab my stick shift. Oh my god. He never did that with the guests. Would you? No, I would certainly hope not. Make it much more interesting. But everything he did to test was just beyond,
like obscenely dirty. Michael Knight. Da-d Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse. Yeah, strollers they call them. Strollers. Yeah, that's what they call them. I would think they would call it something else. They stroll through the park. Yeah, but it confuses me of baby strollers. They stroll through the park. Okay, so we had Care Bear strollers. Okay. And she was having just a bad run of things, like I think. Like the runs? She might've had the, I actually think she might've been sick, like something with
her boyfriend was going on, not going, and. And she had the runs. It was 185 billion degrees this particular day. And she's in the Care Bear outfit. Which, there's barely ventilation. No ventilation. There's barely. That aren't them. And the children, the small children would abuse. Ah, the children. They would abuse the shit out of the strollers. They would like grab them by the tail and they'd beat on them and kick them into all sorts of things. Right,
it's a good job. So I remember all, I was coming off, like off of, onto a break and I was about to go out, you know, out of the park through one of the gates. she was trying to get out of the park too on a break, but she was surrounded by like six or seven kids and they're like, you know, want to sign autographs and they're like, and then care of her autographs. Oh, and they, and this, these couple of kids were particularly obnoxious and they were like pushing
and kicking and just being awful. Parents know where to be found. And so she had just like absolutely snapped. Oh no. And all of a sudden try to picture this. I tried to picture like about a five or six year old child just beating on a Care Bear. Oh, that's good. And then watching a Care Bear rear back with like about to give a child a backhand, like a backhand bitch slap. Oh my God, did she do it? She cranked up that hand next to her head and was about ready to
release and stopped and put her arm down and myself and another show controller. helped her get through the gate. She takes the, we get through the gate, so she's out of the park, nobody can see her. She takes the head off, she wings it into the shrubbery. I quit! Just like, absolutely lost it. Never came back. That's amazing. Might have driven home in the Care Bear body. That would be better, like if she had a pickup truck, she'd just throw the head
in the back. But the coup de grace, the crowning moment. The do de croc. So the Miami Vice show was a big outdoor show and it was hugely popular. Hyrotechnics. Because it was 80. Boats. 1987, 88. Hovercraft. Oh, it was amazing. Hovercraft. Big show, everybody wanted to go to this. Big show. Big show. Big show. Big show. Most, like biggest arena, more people, more shows, everybody wanted to go to this. So it's middle summer, coming to the end of the day, and this is the
last show of the day for Miami Vice. An announcement was always made in this particular show specifically. If you need to leave to use the restroom or to get concessions or anything, you have to be back before the show starts. Once the show starts, you are not allowed to come back into the show because of pyrotechnics. I remember they would play that over and over. The fire marshal is actually in the show. He is there standing watching the show. I had the job this
time of being the one to watch the front to keep. guard at the door, not inside the show. So show starts, it's a good five, six, seven minutes into the show. And here comes a guy who, you know, he and his family have been watching, or got seated for the show. He went out to get concessions. He comes back, he's open popcorn and cokes and hot dogs and all that. He's like, let me back, you know, back into the show. I'm like, sir, I'm very sorry, but I can't let
you back into the show. They made the announcements. there are but you can wait here until your family comes out. He's like, no, I'm getting into that. Now things turn ugly. He's like, no, I'm getting back. I'm getting into the show. He turned ugly, you turned ugly? No, I'm 16. I don't know how ugly I could really get. Well, you were ugly. I was ugly, but I'm also behind bike rack. And this guy is like probably good 300 pounds.
There's no way he's climbing over it. This was a large gentleman. He was a large gentleman. He was not a... He was not fit. Marathon runner? No, he was not fit. Okay, I'm just saying, I'm not calling him any names. I'm just saying he probably, but he's like, He's a large. But he's like three times my size. He could have weighed you down. Well, again, I'm behind bike racks, so he's got an armful of snacks. And he's like. Let's just say this, in a confrontation,
who would've, let's say all concessions are on the ground. Yeah. And it's a go type situation. It's an MMA go. Who wins? Oh, I'm running the other way. I'm sprinting. No, this guy's gonna- You don't even mess with him. No, he's gonna mop the floor with me. Okay, got it. No question. Okay, got it. He'd have to catch me, which he couldn't, but if he did, I'm done. Okay. So he's getting increasingly more agitated because he thinks he's gonna talk his way into it.
Now he's getting mad. He's like, I'm getting back into there. into that show, whether you like it or not. And there's only one way into the show. It's not like he's looking for another way around. You can see there's only one way to get in. And now he's just getting angry. And I don't remember exactly what he said, but he starts to put the concessions down. Now
I know it's getting bad. That's what I'm talking about. So now he goes and he starts trying to, and he can't figure it out, but he's starting to try to open up the bike rack, which is locked it up and. Not locked it, but closed it. And he can't quite figure it out. And he's trying to pull it apart. So maybe he's not the brightest 300 pound Caucasian. He's not the brightest crayon in the jar. Right. What? Right. But he doesn't get it open? He's not able to do it?
No, well, he's working on it. And now he's like, he's yelling obscenities at me. He's like. fuck you up on getting in there. At what point do you grab your walkie talkie? Oh no, I've already got my walkie talkie. Had you already called them? Well, I didn't call them until he started getting aggressive. He started grabbing the bike rack to open it to get to me. Right. And I'm on my walkie talkie, you're giving the 10 code for- You know who you should have called
though. You're giving me the fuck out of this problem. But you know who you should have called? Ghostbusters. Mike Hawk. Mike Hawk would have taken care of the whole thing. Continue. So I call security. And luckily, the security station was very close to Miami Vice. Yes, it was. But it's not 20 seconds. And it looks like slow motion from across the park. I see the two security guys. So they come in, and they grab this guy, and he winds up kicking over his
popcorn. And his car is gone. There was a physical altercation with him? Oh, they dragged him away. Wow. Yeah, they dragged him away. They pulled him away. He was like furious that he wasn't going to see the Miami Vice fucking action spectacular with his family. Listen, understandable. When he could have sat there and just eaten all the goddamn snacks. Well, I'm sure he did later. Did they bring him back or was he going to throw him out? In the struggle, the snacks
got dumped. So the real victims here. The real victims of this story is the concessions. Yeah, the popcorn and the peanuts. You know who the real victims are is those poor children of that man. Oh no, they weren't. I'm sure they had a great show without their father. They were just maybe hungry. Dad was kicked out of the park. Yeah, and he was in, and you go to
Universal Studios jail, I wonder what happens there. Well, I'm sure it's nothing like Disney jail where you're immediately sodomized by Goofy. Thanks for listening to the Sons of San Fernando. Don't forget to hit that subscribe or follow button in your favorite podcast app so you don't miss an episode. Drop us a review, we'd love to hear from you. If you'd like to support the Sons of San Fernando, the best way is to share the show. We'll catch you on the next episode.