¶ Relationships and Addictions
Champion Bachelors Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions in the positive lights of experience , strength and hope . Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry , and both have emerged on the other side stronger , wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be .
You're listening to the Solution .
Welcome to the Solution . I'm your host , craig Dolan . Tonight we're going to be talking about becoming the guy , becoming the man that she wants to be with , becoming the guy , becoming the man that she wants to be with . You know , when she was little , she had her dad . She had her father to look up to and she loved that .
She loved the haircut of him and that's deep within her . If she was lucky enough to have a father , that is deep inside of her and if she could pull that rabbit's eye out of the hat and have that for the rest of the life , she would probably want that kind of love .
So we're going to set you on a course tonight to becoming that kind of guy that she dreams of being with . And uh , so , guys , hey , welcome , greg .
Hey welcome cra , welcome Craig .
Welcome , Josh . Thank you , How's it going Good , Doing great . You know we've been doing this show for what ? About three years , Really ?
A little over three years , I think A little over .
Right yeah .
Give or take .
I have learned nothing .
That was going to be my next question . It's almost going to be a show tonight of what we've learned .
Learning is one thing , but doing it yes , my gosh , that has been so hard Becoming the guy that she wants Right , tell a little bit about that .
Well , if I may , yeah , you know , the show has always been timely and all the things that we've learned on here , you know , or rather the subjects that we have covered and researched to do the shows , have been real . I'd say real eye openers and game pagers , wouldn't you guys ?
but yes , no , I agree .
I agree . The thing is , I find myself , if I'm honest , especially in retrospect when I look back on my behavior cause sometimes you know , when you're just going through your life you're autopilot at least I am depending on , especially how tired I sometimes am .
But looking back on it's like knowing is one thing and walking the walk is something else entirely we've been , we've been programmed our whole life to kind of be , a certain way , based on , well , how we were raised , our upbringing , you know , and so what you're trying to say , probably , is just that it can be very hard to change ways that are inside of us
for so many years and that weren't working , and we're learning new things . Is that what you're talking ?
about . I think so . I mean a lot of the things that like the law of attraction , knowing that you shouldn't over pursue .
But then you get caught up and you find somebody you like , and you find that's exactly what you're doing , and you see the person fleeing from you , and yet you find that you're unable to stop pursuing , and so it just you're describing one of the hardest things to to combat is anxious attachment .
Yeah , I mean when you're , when you all sudden meet somebody and you're like , oh man , she's the cat's meow and you're thinking about her , thinking about her , thinking about her pretty soon before meow , and you're thinking about her , thinking about her , thinking about her Pretty soon . Before you know it you're acting the anxious attachment all the way right .
Yes , but I think that that gets triggered Because I think that everybody has a chance to be in their secure attachment style and I think that certain cues , subconscious or overt , from the other person will make you enter your attachment style and whatever that might be , because , because I think to have an , you don't really want to have an attachment style , you
want to , you just want to be secure .
You want to be , but can ? Can a person be secure ? Do they have that ability to be secure ? If no matter what I mean , do you think they all have ? Do you think we all have that ability and we show it at certain times ?
yes , I think it's about choosing the right person okay , so if it went , and that's that's . Another thing entirely is if you keep choosing the same types of people and you .
You'd think you aren't , but but if you have a secure . Here's the deal , though . But if you have a secure attachment style , you will never be an anxious attachment .
That's I don't think that's true .
No , okay . Well , that's where you differ . I like that .
Yeah , or an avoidant attachment .
You won't be that . You'll be a secure across the board . If you can't be a secure across the board , you're not secure .
Well , in my experience , I start out secure , and then someone's avoidant behavior will then make me turn into an anxious attachment , or someone's anxious behavior will make me turn into an avoidant attachment . So I think that it's really about finding someone compatible , and if you're able to tell them look , I think we're just triggering each other here .
We're going to our attachment styles and they might be able to change if they're open to that , if they're into self-improvement and they're self-aware . But if they aren't , though , that's not the right person , because you're not going to be able to make a lifetime avoidance , you're not going to fix them . You know what I mean .
Right . But I'm just saying , like , with a secure they're secure across the board . They can be hit anyway and it just kind of water off the duck's back , but that'll be a good one to look up .
Well , ideally , yeah , if they're with the right person , they're going to be secure . No , but yeah , no , you're always moving through the attachment styles if you're with the wrong kind of person . So you could be secure for 20 years of marriage , but then if you find out your wife's having an affair , how secure are you going to be ?
In how he reacts to that situation . He doesn't have to fly off the handle . I mean , you can have something crazy happen . It's like emotional maturity . Your emotional maturity is marked by basically how you handle bad situations . It's how you handle bad situations . It's how you come to . You know basically an emotional mature person .
You're not going to really know that they're having a wild , rough week or whatever , because they are emotionally mature .
¶ Maintaining Emotional Maturity in Relationships
Now , if they're going through a situation in life where they're having a lot of things come at them , if they're not emotionally mature , they're going to melt in certain ways . They're going to melt down . Snap , yeah , they'll snap , they'll snap at you , yeah , yeah .
Honey , you squeezed the toothpaste in the middle of the tube .
Why , you know little things like that Indirected anger .
You're not saying that you need to repress your emotions completely , to be no , because that would also be immature . No , because you understand what's going on . That's why I say , like a person that's in a situation , in a relationship , they're a secure attachment . You know they're going to have a rocky road with that relationship at times , but they're .
They are the person that's going to be able to keep the ship going smooth , can ride the waves of all those and they're going to remain secure . That's just .
Yeah , and I think too , the secure . Let's say if the man has the secure attachment in the relationship , if the lady , you could say vice versa . In this case we'll say the man is the secure attachment . So the lady's kind of going off the deep end a little bit , based on life , has served her some bad things . What's going to end up happening ?
She's going to subconsciously use the man as the guideline to get back to even keel again . See what I mean ? His calmness , yeah right His emotional security . She's going to realize that , oh , okay , okay , it's not a big thing and yeah , that would be a good way to .
No , that was beautiful right there . Yeah , because what does she call ?
him when she describes him Daddy .
Oh , you mean he's my rock ? Yeah , the rock he's my .
Dwayne .
Johnson Perfect , he's my rock .
Yeah .
Can you smell what Rock ? I mean ? What is the best compliment a woman could pay a man in that situation ? It would be to say he's my rock .
Yeah .
Yeah , you know . And to be a rock , to be a man who's going to be a rock for his woman , that's what she wants in life , right ?
Yeah woman .
That's what she wants in life , right , yeah , when she grew up to , you know if she had a dad , hopefully we , you know that's . If you have a dad and you grew up with a dad , what a beautiful thing .
And if you meet a guy that reminds you of her dad , if she meets a fella that reminds her of her dad and she had a loving relationship with him , she , she's going to look at that guy with googly eyes . You know for the most part , but to be somebody's rock , we'll get back to the premise of this show . What does the guy want to do ?
Where do we want to take that guy and tell that guy to be what he needs to be to attract her ?
Yeah , that would be to be that rock . That quote from another show where it's like you don't want to become , you don't want to . How does that go exactly ? You don't want to attract a certain kind of person , you want to . If you want to attract a certain kind of person , you don't try to change them .
You just have to become the kind of person that you would want to spend the rest of your life with , and then you'll attract those kind of people . So you're changing yourself in order to attract the right kind of person . I don't know if that has to do with what you just said . I certainly hope so .
No , it does .
It does Because you work on yourself , the attraction from your potential partners . They become attracted , they want to become a part of you If you're doing something intentionally to attract them . I'm going to change this . I'm going to do this .
Instead of trying to work on yourself , you're trying to do little things , which are proven to be superficial , to attract a particular woman . In the end , you're turned away because you didn't bring your real self to the table in the first place yeah , if you're , if you're pretending that you don't want to call her .
If you're not calling her on purpose to try to game the situation , they're gonna . They're gonna sense that inauthenticity , I think . But if you're sincerely on your purpose , then that's going to generate a kind of energy that's going to be irresistible . But at least that's the idea , yeah , and you're genuinely not worried about what she's doing . When she's here .
She's not with you because you're just too busy . You're doing your life .
An example I'd like to do real quick would be this . Let's say a gentleman is saving up a down payment . He's already been approved for a loan to buy a house . He's $1,000 away from his down payment . The bank's already gave him a promissory note saying once you add $10,000 down , we'll give you the loan for this house .
So all of a sudden , the girl he's dating just is begging to want to go on this Caribbean vacation . Well , to do that , we'll delay his time to accrue the money to get this down payment . He set this agreement with himself , a written goal , saying hey , I'll have this amount of money saved by this time If I go on this Caribbean vacation .
It's going to delay my saving for another three months . So if he's true to himself , he'll say we'll take the Caribbeancation another time . I got to stick to my guns right here . Oh yeah , that'd be an example of that being true to yourself . Being mature , yeah , yeah , not giving in .
Being himself , setting your goals the alpha male sets the goals , lives to it .
You stayed with us this far , and that shows commitment , proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution . Now let's rejoin the show already in progress .
So often I look at my past , how I would do things to accommodate the woman , to get her acceptance . Do you see what I mean ? And I wasn't being true to myself in situations like that . Nowadays I'm like , hey , save that down payment , we'll do the vacation later , you have to say no , sometimes don't you .
Yeah , absolutely yeah .
No is one of the most important words to master as a guy .
I hate saying no , I hate hearing no , because I think I want to please . It's hard to say no to a woman that you're attracted to and you want to make happy and impress . But the thing is , if you always cave into what she , what her ideas are and like you sort of begin to lose yourself , no respect yeah , that's right , push over , you're going to lose .
Yeah , exactly , she's going to know that . She's going to sense that . Well , he keeps . Every time I want something , he just bends and changes what seemed to be a strong opinion . He's just . You know , he's a pushover .
He's just starting to cave to me , and they know that that's why they'll test you right .
Yeah , and so I guess that becomes unattractive because she can't feel your strength and then she starts to think well , in a really tough challenge in life , I can't trust this guy because he's going to bend with the wind , so he's not reliable Right and that puts her and she'll be thinking , that puts me in the lead position .
She wants to marry a guy who wants to take the lead .
Yeah and be responsible .
That relationship be responsible ? I think so , and saying the word no , that's a responsible word . He's saying no , this isn't the right time , honey . We can't do that .
I can't recall how many a lot of men who I sponsor actively sponsor in that support group that I'm involved in it's so funny , you know sponsor and that support group that I'm involved in , it's so funny .
I can't remember how many men at times have have told me God , I just wanted to to please my girlfriend , so I , I spent my bill money once again to make them happy to take them to that nice dinner , to take them on that weekend trip .
Right , they see that the lady sees that season has been a pushoverhover and and so I tell the guys once the money's out , they're going on to the next guy . Yeah , they're going on to the next guy , yeah yeah , I think that's another thing into itself too .
Is not giving not giving money to , don't give money to women really ?
and well , it's your wife .
That's different , but right , get no .
But I mean like trips and stuff spending money on it , right ? You know , like I'm sure all of us have dated with God , I'd really want to check out this restaurant . Or I really would like to go to Galena for the weekend , or Milwaukee for the weekend , or Denver for the weekend , right , totally unexpected .
Oh , that'd be so nice . You should be just going to Mount .
Pleasant yeah , yeah , Old Threshers or something like that Well , I mean , you know or . Des Moines , go to Des Moines and back .
You don't need to ride that high . No , you don't Just ride low for a while and do it with her , and you know , conversation can happen anywhere .
Yeah .
And you know you can snuggle up to your lady anywhere . She can snuggle up to you anywhere . It doesn't have to be all showy . She wants to marry Ladies . We're not speaking for you , but you want to marry a guy who wants to be a mature man who's looking out for you . He's looking out for the whole situation .
He's not just looking out for himself at all , he's looking out for the whole situation . That's what you want Somebody who sticks to their values .
Sticks to their values and beliefs ? Yeah , even when she thinks they're in opposition .
That's a great point , josh . That's a beautiful point , because who do you want to marry in life ? Somebody that has the same values and beliefs . Really , I mean , really that goes a , a long way . So when you're in that marriage or in that relationship and you stick to your values , then she's already in that that value set right .
So isn't that a beautiful way to maintain those values ? Yeah , when you have somebody leading you or you know , I think you might not have any hope .
Otherwise , if you don't have the same values , it turns out Right . Yeah , I just don't see how that's going to . I don't know . I hadn't really thought how that would play out . Specifically on the different values , no , you're right , especially morality , the moral compass .
Well , of course , the last three women I've been with have all been toxic personalities with narcissistic tendencies of men . But I realized the common denominator is me . I'm the person attracting these people .
So , for whatever reason , my empathetic codependency or whatever it is , makes me a juicy meal for these people that think I'm going to take his resources , I'm going to vampirize him and I'm going to take him down a peg on the way out Right .
They meet you and they're emotionally salivating and you don't want to be some tasty little morsel .
You want to be a big beefy , steak up there on the right vibration level . Right , I think so .
But I know I don't want this anymore . Right , I think I think so , but I know I don't want . I don't want this anymore . I'm really done with this . I've had enough and I and I want to move on .
Um , so I unfortunately , I think it's led me to the conclusion that I need to stop , just stop thinking about women altogether and just get on my purpose , cause I know I'm not doing it and every time I say I am , some woman comes along and is interested in me . It's like you know that's the devil .
No , but it's like as soon as I try to get on my purpose , some interesting , some lovely pair of eyes will be blinking at me and blinking or winking , blinking , and you get the idea . I mean , it's just like Totally so I find myself at an interesting turning point , I suppose .
So what things do you feel you have to work on ?
Stop talking . Okay , I want to take a vow of silence . That'd be creepy . It's kind of a joke , but I almost want
¶ Navigating Relationships and Self-Worth
to put .
So you talk too much . When you initially meet them on a date or something , I talk all the time I never stop talking .
I realize , and there's no mystery in that , and these girls get sick of me , they're mine to lose . And then I talk and talk and then you just see them just fading away because the mystery's gone . You talked about everything . I'm not interesting . I realize that I think I am , but the more I talk , the less mystery there is .
So I have to shut the heck up .
Yeah , a person comes . The more , the more interesting you become , the less you've said you know , I just ask him questions .
The next girl that gives you . Those eyes just make it a point to ask questions about herself , and I'll say can't you read the sign ?
It says no smelly girls . Now get out of here .
It can be easy to do , josh .
And I totally smelly girls now get out of here .
It can be easy to do , josh , and I totally understand what you're saying . I do , because we've all been there . I guess you don't talk too much though . No , well , I guess , naturally I like to listen more . I just I do , I like to listen , and somebody wants to talk , you know .
But I think you can get it though , you know , because it's just , it's just a matter of , and you know those things have been programmed into you too . You know we talk . I think you can get it , though , you know , because it's just a matter of , and you know those things have been programmed into you too .
You know we talk about okay , you got to do this and that to find her . Well , it's not necessarily something you don't , it's usually . It's not something you have to do , it's something you don't that you should quit doing . Yeah , yeah , you know , to find her , it's not something you have to go out and do .
Just look at what you're doing and then probably simmer it down , because it's like a switchboard here , okay , and we've all got our mics amped up and everything .
Yeah .
If one of our mics is amped way up , you know we're like talking super duper loud , yeah , but we want all those amps , all those . You know where . You see them , where they're shooting up into the red . They're too high . They just all need to be in that middle area . Okay , you know . So it's just about balance . Life's about balance .
That's a good metaphor , yeah , and life is about balance .
So you stop talking and stop texting . And I would look at this too , josh , just see where you're meeting these girls at Like . I have a feeling this wouldn't happen to you much . I'm just using examples .
If you met him in the chess club , the astronomy , some astronomy club , some hiking group right now these are what I mean fishing group you know , these are all girls I met through drugs . I'll be honest and even though , there you go , that's it right there . If I'm a betty man , that's it right there .
That's what it is , and as long as one of us me or she is doing drugs , that's in our lives , it's not going to work out . There you go it is not going to work out .
This is my opinion based on my experience . I've talked to Craig about this before , away from the show , away from Aaron , I believe , with you a few times too . We talk about all these characteristics of a healthy relationship , what they should be , yeah , and what to find in somebody . You really don't find those . In somebody who uses heavily you really don't .
If you see and observe them . A lot of times it's a front , it's a bait of the hook , yeah , just a real somebody in there's always damage , oh yeah , latent damage at least , and it's ready to yeah , it's all about me , because I you know for me what is the bait and what is the hook ? explain those real quick okay , okay , here's the thing .
The hook would be the bait and hook , hook line and sinker , basically bullshit . You know I mean , because it's like that eagle song every girl knows how to open up a door with just a smile . You see what I mean . So , when it comes to people that are practicing addicts , practicing alcoholics , they're superficial , they're emotionally immature , they're self-centered .
So what you're seeing is not real , it's not genuine . They don't even know who they are . Okay .
They don't even know who they are . You know , right , are okay , they don't even know who they are , you know right , yeah , I mean , I mean , well , yeah , if you're , if you're , we're all you know , if the thing is , we all attract what we're comfortable with , yes , you know , and the thing is , fellas , what we're saying is .
What we're saying is you got to think about it , because if you're attracting the same person , the same type of gal , same type of lady , you got to change it up , you got to , I probably , if that person gets you in trouble , if you end up in a situation that , yes , just isn't working because it's toxic yeah and when you know , and you know the difference ,
we all know the difference between toxic and non-toxic . You know if it's toxic , it's , it's not good , right ? And if you need to find somebody and everybody , come home from that date or come being with them for a month or two months and go . Man , I just don't enjoy this . She gets all excited and yells at me for this blah , blah , blah .
If things are , then what it's saying to you is start thinking about if your childhood was chaotic and crazy . That's what . That's what comes into your life , right , you're comfortable with chaos .
You're comfortable with chaos ? Oh yeah , then somebody decent that comes along . They're boring , they're boring very boring .
They're the one for you . Yeah , so it is . It's a little tricky at first .
It's hard to act against your instincts yes , it is when you realize , when you get sick of everything .
You keep doing the same , leading you to the same unsatisfying conclusions , then it's time to , and so if we take this show right here , if you bottom line it , if we bottom line this show right here , this is I want to know what you guys think . This is what I think the bottom line is is deciding if you are a person of chaos .
Is that what you're used to ? Or are you used to a room of of love , to see the folks of love ? Things were great . When you're a kid , you know . If you can decide between that and decide how your childhood went , because that's what we end up being .
You know we are who we were yes and there's certain things that we can't wish away , and so it's , there's certain just a couple questions ask , you know , and is it chaos or is it love ? And then you want to , um , elevate yourself to where you need to be . What do you guys think ? I want that ? I want to listen to . No one understand .
We're saying too right , because what was that ? Was that uh , easily understandable what I said , kind of .
Yeah , you said a lot there too , but you said a few different things , but one I got was that we accept the love that we feel we deserve . So if we have a low self-value or low self-worth , we're not going to see , we're not receptive to love that is of a higher quality .
And you mentioned it might even seem boring , perfect , um , yeah , although I think more recently I I must be some kind of drama king , because that seems to be what you think . You're addicted to chaos and chaotic women .
But then when some inequality comes along , actually , not only was she not boring , but I think it was so amazing that I I started to you know like wow , and then they started to run towards it , and then I'm doing all the bad mistakes again . So I'm saying , hey , wait a minute , you're amazing , we should be together . And she's like wait a minute .
I told you I didn't want a relationship . And I was like oh , I know , but you're so amazing though , and right , well , just because you have an agreement doesn't mean she feels the same way , or just because you feel something for someone doesn't mean that that's going to happen . But my point was supposed to be you meet someone of quality .
I think you might know actually . Yeah , it's going to be so obvious that it's going to be hard to control , I know .
Yes , yes , and she's going to be the type of gal there's going to be some hints to know .
Yeah .
She's not going to be easily won over . She's not going to tell you how , she's not going to bombard you with these feelings right away . Oh wow , this is awesome . You are awesome .
Yeah .
Yes .
And if they're saying they love you , but not sleep with you right away , but she still wants to see you . Yeah , I think that's a great girl .
That's a great lady . That's a great thing happening .
Yeah , because I can't get to a woman's heart by the bed . Being in the bed . I think I mentioned this in another podcast . A woman needs to have her heart touched first before I touch her skin . I touch your skin . I'm sleeping with a woman .
I'm using the gift from god first , right , yeah , using that , first speaking , a part of the mystery being gone right . Well , sex , I mean big rig sex , is the most powerful thing yeah that we have going for us , and it's so .
When something is so powerful and has such a big motor , where it can affect people so much either great , in a great way or in a bad way then that's something to respect .
Yeah .
We're going to do another show , a continuation of this , and it's going to be a good one . Yes , I know , sir . For myself , josh and Greg , I say goodnight from the Solution . Appreciate you guys tuning in Absolutely . And goodnight . Have a good night y'all .
Thanks for listening , bye .
Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our next episode . Send your questions and comments to Craig2042 at gmailcom . That's Craig with a C . Be sure to subscribe to the Solution so you can be notified the moment the next exciting episode is ready for you to listen to . And please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or on your favorite podcast player .