¶ Navigating Relationships
Thank you , strength and hope . Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry , and both have emerged on the other side stronger , wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be . You're listening to the Solution .
Hey , welcome to the Solution . I'm your host , craig Dallin , sitting here with my partner , greg Carter . Greg , how you doing ?
Hey , awesome how you doing tonight , Craig .
Good , I want to start this show off by saying hey , in relationships , in dating , dating is a time of discovery . That's it . It's a time of discovery . You date that person and you both come to conclusions . In a certain amount of time , you take in the information , you decide is this person for me or not ?
Of course your feelings are going to tell you that , her feelings are going to tell her that . And if they say , continue on you do , you continue on , you really get to know them . They say continue on , you do you continue on you really get to know them . But you know , in dating you come to a point where you're like you know what ?
I think you're a fantastic person , but I think we should move on . That can happen too , and there's nothing wrong with that . It's meant to be where you move on . When dating is done correctly , you either stay with them or you , in a mature way and honest conversation , you move on , and there's nothing wrong with it Not at all .
Not at all . I 100% agree with that . If you give it a fair chance , it might be a Some people people though , they I think it's funny to hear some people , I don't feel anything , they've only been on one date and I , in my opinion , I disagree with that . I think it could take a while to to build up that . You know commonality , I really do .
Yes , it could take a little while . If people say they don't feel nothing , I think they're talking about lust or whatever .
But yeah , yeah , and you know , I think it's important to know some things before you start dating , know about yourself before you can interact with another person , like , what are your values , what are your beliefs ? Because that person that you're dating , that you're bored with , you know you might tell yourself , oh , I'm bored .
That person just might be the perfect person for you . Yes , because he or she has the same values and the same beliefs . Because a lot of times we'll go on that date and we'll come home that night and like , oh man , that was so exciting , that was perfect date . Well , that doesn't mean that that's going to be a good person for you .
No , you know what I mean . Yeah , yeah .
So quite often . That's why I think it takes I don't think I know it takes a long time to really get to know somebody , and I think you do it by your as a starting point . Values and beliefs are a great place to start , and I know you're looking over there with a . You've got a good list to start out with .
I do , too , go ahead and read some things off that what you're looking at .
Yeah , what I'm looking at here is the toxicity part in relationships , harmful relationships . You know that . What can happen to the actual body ? Okay , yeah , like stress , it can lead to chronic stress headaches , nausea , high blood pressure , chest pain and sleep problems . Also , too , it can affect your immune system .
You can have immunity issues , slower disease recovery , extreme fatigue and other cardiovascular problems . I've had people tell me before they've actually had heart palpitations they've been so stressed , and these are people that work out a lot .
They just get so stressed that's if you're dating somebody who you know , if you're out there . It's like if you're dating somebody who's not good for you exactly and you may not be good for them .
It causes things within the body If there's a toxic thing throughout that relationship and you don't feel quite right , but there's something holding you two together , and what can that be ? Sex .
Sex .
Yeah .
And drama , drama . Sometimes people are addicted to crises . They're addicted to just a drama , because drama , in my opinion , is a negative stimuli , but nonetheless it is a stimuli .
Mm-hmm .
And it keeps things live just in a bad way .
Oh , it does for sure . And when you say two sex , that's the oxytocin Boom that's released within the body , that's the bonding hormone and that can really pull people together . And all of a sudden , they got that cocktail of that going on with the dopamine , which is another hormone . You get those things within your body .
You think you're in love and it's a false deal going on , Very false , If there's a recipe out there .
If there's a recipe out there that says this is how to do it right , so you can have the best chance of getting the person that you need to get what's that recipe look like I would have to say from my past experience , what seems to work would be to definitely hold off on the sex part .
Okay , definitely hold off on that for a while . I , yep , read something the other day that you should touch somebody's heart before you touch their skin . What's that 90 day deal , right ?
She's talking about water holding off you know , on any contact we're talking kiss , holding hands for 90 days yeah as , and she said that people will weed themselves out because it's a time to get to know somebody yeah from the inside out , and I think that really sounds spot on it does , it does . And it weeds it out automatically .
The people will weed themselves out because if somebody's out just looking to , you know , for a piece of tail , so to speak , or the sex they're going to be , gone down the road , you know , or they might act like they're going along with it , but they're sleeping with somebody on the side .
So sort of the listener out there out there , I would say , hey , just make sure the other person isn't having sex on the side while you're going through this 90 day deal , see what I mean , which , well , right , yeah , totally get to know somebody . There's plenty of time for the sex to come into the picture . Plenty of time yeah .
well , the thing is it's not easy to do . We've all no blown that test , so why ? But if when you're with somebody on a date first whatever , getting to know them and you really like them , you don't even .
You're fine if the most you do is hold hands , yeah , I mean really because you're getting to know somebody and you got to think of what you're doing too when you , when you're getting to know somebody and you got to think of what you're doing too when you're not having sex .
I mean , we're just saying the simple , not the simple formula this is the formula for really finding somebody is to not have sex . I mean , hold off , yes , hold off as long as you can , because it's an act that God made . That it's an incredible , incredible event . Sex is when you fall in love with somebody .
But to really get to that point when you have sex with somebody , you are immediately throwing down a bunch of roadblocks . Whether you know it or not , you're throwing down roadblocks for the future , for that relationship . It's not going the natural course that it's meant to go . Because you look at the divorce rate , what is it ? 53% .
I think a lot of people get together and they think , wow , this is incredible . I want to marry this person .
Yes .
Well , hold the phone here right , because when you do something wrong , when you build a house , if you don't build that , put the block in nice and put it nice and straight and build a nice foundation , because you're building a foundation at that point , because it's the start of that house , right ? Yeah , yes it is , you know last night .
You don't build the attic , you don't build , you start at the foundation of it .
Yeah .
And that is the start of the foundation of the relationship , and it needs to be built in the correct
¶ Building Respect and Trust in Relationships
way .
Yeah , to me , friendship is the foundation of the relationship .
Well , where is respect gained ? Where does that come to fruition ?
where's respect gained ? Where did where does that come to fruition ? I think it comes from fruition right at during the friendship phase of it . You're getting to know each other , you're getting to you know , developing that trust . Learn about each other exactly , allowing yourself to be vulnerable . That's how you develop trust too yes , yes , oh , vulnerability , yes .
I know some friends of mine and myself will joke and say go easy , I'm sensitive and vulnerable . We say it as a joke , but there's actually a lot of truth to that . It's good to be vulnerable , it's good to have some sensitivity .
Oh it is . It's huge , yes , being vulnerable with somebody , and that takes a little bit of time to have that work out .
And you're right , it's done through trust , and a trust takes risk .
Yep , you know when you and plus what you're doing too , when you're holding off on sex , you're respecting each other . I mean there's a big respect for each other . Yeah , like I mean , that's what we're saying , that's where it happens .
But but the act of is is you're learning how to as a couple , you're learning how to care for them while they care for you .
Because at the , at the beginning phase , if sex is introduced too quick , that short circuits that learning process of learning about for them as they learn for you , because that deep love is starting there too and we got to start somewhere right ? Yes , you know you can't , you're not going to tell them you love them on the fifth date .
You're going to wait a while . You're going to let that process go through its time and grow the right way . So if love is growing the right way and it's short-circuited with sex , then all of a sudden you're seeing love it's built differently then . It's built through the sex .
All of a sudden , there's a foundation of sex , and that's the same as building your foundation on sand .
You've stayed with us this far , and that shows commitment , proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution . Now let's rejoin the show already in progress .
Trials and tribulations will come along in life . The structure is built on a weak foundation and it'll give away .
Yes you know , there's different uh different people that write different ways , different metaphors and such on on love , I always like the one that it's you know where as a house is built .
Yes .
And they include in there one or 2% . There's different rates of that of passion . It's not much Right , and passion is what Sex .
Yeah , you know it's you know , but I'm just saying Very small minute Minute .
Minute minute , you know , and when you say , when you think of a hundred percent , we're talking about it's a minute percent of it .
Yes , it is .
And so that tells you right there you start throwing it . If you start having sex , you're going to be having sex all the time . You know a couple of rabbits .
Yes .
And you're gonna be throwing it in there like I don't know what the percentage is gonna be , and it's gonna blow that thing apart because the other parts are not gonna be growing and developing tells you right there yeah , like it shuts the growth off , it shuts the development off it does , it shuts it down .
you know , if you have you , there's too much of one thing . Yes , it's great , you think it , you think it's great . Well , actually , what you're doing is you're causing the relationship to have it'll start to die . At that point , it's death , yes . You can have that relationship start out .
It's going to be either on the road to death or that relationship is going to be on the road to life , right Right . And if it's done wrong at the beginning , it's on the road to death . And I hate to say that people , but it is true . It is true , it's true . Anybody that listens to this podcast .
I don't care what you say , you know it's true , you know it's true , you know it's true . So it's a formula and it's not that hard , it's not that tricky .
Yeah , otherwise you'll end up being the way I used to be just having a life full of meaningless flings .
Oh , you and me both .
Yeah , flings , yeah yeah .
Intersects into the picture right away flings , yeah , you know flings , flings , you know flings . I mean just little little flying flings in the air yeah , next thing you know you're flinging them away .
Yeah , bringing sex to the picture ? Well , yeah , and then you're not .
You're developing this thing where it's . Just then all you do is you want that one thing and it's just wrong . No-transcript . The sex is a huge , huge part of marriage . That's why it needs to be developed so in the right way . When you talk about the seven-year itch too , um , after seven years , well , that's for a different show almost .
But but because it's a , it's a big deal , you know , but that's when people what happens there , well , that's another thing . But that's called masculine and feminine . Yeah , because when you , when you know it takes about that many years in a marriage , you get tired of that person . Okay , that's a whole different show . We can talk about that another time .
Right , there's a reason for that . But when you're dating somebody , generally she will be in her feminine and he will be in his masculine and you're gonna love it . You're gonna have in his masculine and you're going to love it , you're going to have a great time , you're both going to be so just kind of drawn to each other . But that's that's .
That's where people need to know and understand what's going on . Right , and mom and dad , grab your kids and tell them they talk about the birds and the bees and all that stuff I wish the parents . You know , maybe we need to do a workshop .
So much emphasis anymore is put on sex from the advertisements , right yeah , from the advertisements to . And it's almost like these ads are designed to create lust . Okay , they are .
Yep .
And we're told that a lot of people have this attitude . Now , I'd rather be satisfied than sanctified , right , right , okay , explain that a little bit . Okay , satisfied would be just to be satisfied , like maybe a particular drink or particular food .
Just , you know , satisfy that hunger , satisfy that thirst , thirst , satisfy that craving for sex , yeah , just go all out . Satisfy that urge , yep , without thinking anything else . So when people are going out that are , you know , oh , I got an itch , it needs to be scratched , so to speak . Right , they're fulfilling their sexual needs .
Well , I'm going to find the girl , to find my sex . You know , fulfill my sexual desires . And it happens most of the time , like you said , before they even get to know somebody .
Yeah , yeah , they've shot that relationship right in the foot Right .
And then there's people too that say , well , I have friends with benefits , you know . I guess they could say that's fine , and Danny , cause they're just , they're talking about it ahead of time .
But if two people that agree upon a friends with benefits situation , most of the time I'm saying most of the time one person wants more , and they'll end up getting really hurt because they go oh man , I want more , I want to develop something here .
Once again , it's easier for the other person to walk away because it was a foundation , even though they were friends .
Right , they could say oh , we had a foundation based on friendship , but sex got drawn into the picture , without any commitment other than just their regular friendship , and that's why one's able to get really hurt and the other one can just walk away . Well , I'm not feeling guilty . I let him or her know ahead of time what's going on .
Yeah , yeah , once again , it's like it's like society doesn't teach us to work for anything . And the most beautiful thing ? I mean ? I hear many people of all walks of life , from rock stars to ministers , to actors and actresses to CEOs .
A lot of them will tell you the most ultimate thing there is in life is to have that one special person in your life that you love and cherish . Oh , absolutely .
Yeah , that's the ultimate thing in life . Yeah , it is One that you can bond with , mesh with .
Yes , exactly . And love and yeah , and they love you back , right without any back , right Without any expectations .
Yes , and those things . I believe that couple developed that right away by doing things the right way . Yes , they did . Yes , you know , guys , if you go out there and you treat your girlfriend , you treat her right and you respect her and you do it the right way , you hold off on that sex . You do it the right way .
You know what you're going to have and what you're going to get . You're going to get a girlfriend , a wife , you know somebody engaged to that that respects you and she trusts you and she trusts you . Wow , what a big deal . Right , that is a big deal . That's a big deal to have to have that respect and that trust . And you got honesty , yet why ?
You know that that's huge . That is huge , yes , and people need to remember that . Um , with all these ads on , like you said a little bit ago , yeah . They push that at us and it's not right . There's too much of that stuff on there .
But you know , it's almost like society doesn't want to see people succeed in relationships and in marriage , see people succeed in relationships and in marriage . People need to know that and understand that , because when they're pumping all that other stuff at us , what does it do ? It ?
Just you know it , it takes you away from it , takes you away from doing things in the right way .
Yeah , Distractions major distractions , major distractions .
I do want to add that there are many , many , many relationships out there , solid ones that let's just say they didn't wait to have sex too long . You know that happens too . And that is awesome when those things can stay together . But on an average , you're much better off by waiting as long as you can to have sex .
And the reason I say that is because the relationship needs time for those things to grow early on the trust , you know , the honesty , those things , the respect to get that to grow first . And that's , you know , to pay huge attention to that , because that's what gives the relationship the foundation and the longevity .
So without those things , you're shooting it in the foot . Love her , cherish her , and she will respect you and you will feel the love . Guys , yeah , if you do it right , that's right . If you choose not to do it right , well , you're going to get what you get and you'll keep getting that . Yeah , and you'll keep getting it .
People need to remember that dating is a time of discovery . After you discover what you need to discover , know and understand that it's not going to change . That's who they are and you are who you are . It doesn't make it bad , it just means that maybe you're meant to be with somebody else .
Right .
So get out of that discovery what you need to , and then you move on . There's nothing wrong with that .
Not at all . We can't change anybody .
No , and that's how you discover it . That's right it should be that simple . That's why sex needs to stay out of it , so people can come and go as they need to , because it's important to have the ability to leave that relationship and go find your who you need to find .
Right , right , greg , absolutely yeah . Sometimes I've heard stories before where actually I dated this girl and we didn't have the chemistry there and she introduced me to another girl to date , which I thought was pretty cool on her part .
That's way cool .
Yes , so that's doing something right . Communication .
Yes , and she thought you were a great guy Absolutely , and so that's why she did that . And you thought she was a great gal Absolutely . But guess what ? You maybe weren't that great together , right ?
Well , guess what you maybe weren't that ? Great together , right , greatest friends . It wasn't going to go any further than that , but that was cool that we could sit down and talk about it as adults .
As adults .
Very cool and the cool part was we gave it a fair chance .
That's right , that's where it's at .
Give it a chance , people .
Yep , everything in life . Give that thing a chance . Yes , give thing a chance . Yes , give it a chance . I like that , yes , I like that saying . That could be our mantra oh , give it a chance .
Very well could be , give it a chance by giving the relationship a chance you're giving yourself a chance too .
Exactly , you're giving the whole thing a chance , because if you do it wrong , you're not even giving it a chance . Yes , good one . Oh , thank you . Good one , my friend . Thank you , my friend . All right , greg , josh , thank you . It's been a great show . We've enjoyed it . It's been a great show , all right , brother .
Hey Lister , thank you very , very much for being here . Take care , we'll see you next time on the Solution .
This concludes this episode of the Solution . Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our next episode . Send your questions and comments to craig2042 at gmailcom . That's Craig with a C . Be sure to subscribe to the Solution so you can be notified the moment the next exciting episode is ready for you to listen to .
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