¶ Navigating Relationships and Addictions for Happiness
Champion Bachelors Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions in the positive lights of experience , strength and hope . Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry , and both have emerged on the other side stronger , wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be .
You're listening to the Solution .
Hey , welcome to the Solution . I'm your host , craig Dallin , sitting in here with my other hosts , greg Carter and Josh Goeding , and we're going to be talking about happiness tonight , guys , ooh , happy . And we're going to be talking about happiness tonight , guys , Woo , happy . And it's a desperately needed to be talked about subject .
Oh yeah , you know , we're going to be talking about it in terms of in the relationships and in addictions . Right , happiness is a key word because I don't know if you guys have noticed , but in the last years or so , I don't see as many smiles and pure laughter . You know , you don't see it as much . Maybe it's coming back , I don't know .
That's awful , but it's sad , do ?
you mean in the circles that you run in .
Yeah , I guess you don't run in circles . You see a lot more . Oh , and maybe it started off with the politics . I don't know , maybe it was the COVID , maybe it was just different things over the years , but there's a lot of . We like to see happy people , absolutely I feel you on that .
I have to agree , unfortunately .
Yeah .
It's more of a feeling . I don't know if it's a lack of smiles , but since you put it that way , I'll have to watch , look out for that .
Yeah . I'll have to make sure I'm not frowning myself . It is something to look out for . You know , women they feel happiness through , they use more emotion , they think through more emotion and because they're equipped to do it too , they're part of their brain is much more ready to just deal with emotion .
And whereas men , we are more logic and reason , of course we all deal with emotion . And whereas men , we are more logic and reason , of course we all deal with emotion too , but you're not saying women are happier , though , are you ? no , I'm not saying women are happier , but boy , are they miserable .
No , I mean when they're , when they're down , they're really down yeah , sure , sure .
I mean the women . I know they can , they can really get down , but boy , they , they're happy and fun to be around . When I drop my headphones yeah , absolutely .
But like we're going to be talking about happiness , but to really have the proper perspective , to know if we're happy , we have to know what the exact opposite of happiness is I'd say sadness , just being very sad sadness , how about ? How about madness , the tears of a mad mad yeah , mad sadness mad sad or Madness Mad sad ?
Yes , definitely .
What about just no , you're right , you're right .
Or some kind of numb , dull sort of depression thing where you no feelings sort of .
I don't know , yeah , yeah , and that could be from different things . It could be a chemical thing too inside the person . It could be a chemical thing too inside the person . But when we're really at our happiest , we have a good mix of hormones that are getting dropped down in us the dopamine , yes , serotonin . If you're having sex ? The oxytocin .
I forgot what that one is . What is that one I forgot ? Is that the bonding ?
Yeah , oxytocin for what is that one I forgot Is that the bonding yeah , oxytocin for sex .
It's a bonding , it bonds you , I see , and it's a good one . Oh , very good , yeah , and so that's big and the thing is too we're going to be talking about through addictions and through relationships , and those two , if you think about it , those two have the exact opposite so much of the time . Because think about a relationship .
How many times are you like , maybe really really , really mad at that person or you're really really happy ? Okay , that exhibits itself more than any place right , there is in relationships , yeah , the polar opposite of happiness or in addictions .
Having a significant other . There's no quicker way to get off balance , I think .
Yep , it's a roller coaster , yeah , I mean you can feel at the top of the top or you can be at the low of the low , depending on how the relationship goes , depending on how the communication is going . Usually that's where you can usually find the victim . You can usually find the dead soldier hanging out in communication .
Yes , I see , you know what I mean .
Or a compromise of a person's identity altogether .
Well , what usually is the biggest attack on your happiness in a relationship , do you think ?
Well , right now I'm thinking of narcissistic entanglements , and that's not a good answer because it's not balanced . But you know I'm thinking of or just toxic , toxic , yeah , toxic things where they're actually trying the person might be trying to make you unhappy , and so that's a crazy-making time .
Yep and if they're trying to do that . Hopefully you can recognize it and get the heck out of that relationship . Yes , close the door on that If you notice somebody's trying to throw some toxicity your way and they happen to be your boyfriend or girlfriend . I would make that the last day that they're your boyfriend or girlfriend .
They're trying to take you down a peg , and every time you're interested in something they're like eh , that's not too cool really . You know like hey , I learned how to play harmonica . On this song You're like harmonica , what is that ? That old thing that people used to do ? Like old people , wow .
Oh , okay , that's fine you know , like harmonica , that's called lack of support . So I deafened her basically I blew it in her ear . Yeah , I don't know .
Well , you know , and yeah , it's Campaigning against one's happiness it's all about who you're with .
Yeah , if you're , you know you're in a relationship and this goes for the people here in relationships and this goes for the people here in relationships If you're dating somebody , that's if they're compatible and you guys work together good , please recognize what you got going , because it is so much different .
You're in a situation that's pretty darn good , because it's pretty easy to get in situations that aren't good , right . But if a relationship is good and you're , you're growing as a person and they're helping you to grow and you can help them to grow , yeah , hang out stay in it .
When you're in a toxic thing , it's so easy to forget . It's so easy to forget what it should be like . You try to lift that person up because you like them .
They're your friend , and why is that that we forget ? Why do you think ? Why ? Why is that that we forget ? Why ?
is that that we forget ? Well , the trauma bonding , I think it's like , or the normalizing of the abuse , because the addiction to the cycle of Well how about lack of perspective ? Yeah , that's what it is , Craig . I become a pathetic wretch under their thumb and I forget that I don't have to be that .
Hey , I'm with you , man . It's so easy to forget , isn't it ? I mean , that brings up such a good point Because you can be in a relationship that isn't going good . It sucks every day , but you're fighting for it , but you don't realize what it's doing to you .
Table scraps , so they'll toss out a few little morsels of praise and um positivity and affection , but it's so little and far between , and you're so busy trying to pick those up and scarf them down that you don't notice the kick that's coming for your ribs .
You don't notice it either , because that's when you're a kid . You may have been in that type of relationship , you may have been handled that way . Oh , that's so true , and so you can see that as being normal . When actually it's a toxic sucker , you know , it's like a noose around your neck , it's choking you out , tap out .
It's got to tap out .
Yeah , you got to tap out .
It's a big MMA competition .
Well , I know that she was doing this person that I recently broke up with she was because I heard her phone conversation with her mom and she learned all these , all the things she was using on me , these horrible tactics of undermining it and like a compliment sandwich where you have criticism , like a bad dig sandwich between two sort of neutral-ish like mediocre
compliments , and then right in the middle , but she was basically doing everything her mom was teaching her and taught her . She was a perfect abuser .
Well , yeah , her mom , you pick up things from your folks . Yeah , you know , you usually become , quite often you'll become what they were , what they're going to show you . They're going to show you how to live . You know they might not realize it , but you're watching every move .
They make Right , Greg yeah .
And there's a lot of beautiful things come from that too .
Yeah , I think a lot of this too . Whenever I've been with certain women like what you were talking about too , josh a lot of these particular type of women . They hold me responsible for their happiness . Looking back on it , and the biggest lie we're told is that be with someone who makes you happy . The truth is that happiness comes from the inside .
We're responsible for our own happiness . Nobody else's People can create happy moments in my life , but the true happiness that lies inside , that's on us . That's for us to do for ourselves .
Well , let's go a step further with that , with addictions . I'll just preface that by saying when I got sober back in 2011 , I remember reaching a high where I couldn't believe how happy I was and there was something inside of me that was ticking that for years hadn't ticked and it was just incredible .
So , when you can get rid of some things that are holding you down , right , like keeping your there's tethered to the ground , tied to the ground , yeah , you know . Like a balloon , you know , when it's tied to the ground and can't move , yeah , Chains that bind us . Chains that bind .
Yeah , we bind it . What the sad part is is that we put the chains on ourselves Right . We choose that wrong woman in the relationship . We done that , we helped play a part in that . So a lot of times I'd point the finger at the girl . It was me , yeah , it was me . Just as much me of her , in fact , if not more me .
And the trick is too yeah , it's hard to recognize because we don't have that perspective .
You want to throw good money after bad because you've already come this far and you forget how bad it is .
Or we don't realize it because for years I was getting in bad relationships . I'm not saying it was their fault just as much mine , but I was used to that growing up .
Yeah , and sex clouds the judgment . We talked about that in one of the podcasts . You bring sex into the equation . It clouds your judgment , it clouds how you feel about it , especially if you're an addict and alcoholic , because we forget this a lot of times Addict and alcohol , alcoholism and addiction it's also a disease of perception .
Not only is it a spiritual and mental and physical disease , but in the mind it's a disease of perception . We see and experience and feel things the way they really not as a result of being in a state of euphoria .
Right , plus those , those same same hormones , those same chemicals that are being downloaded into our brain . Yes , they're the very same ones . There's a crossover there , for you know what I mean for the serotonin , the dopamines , the oxytocin those are . You know that's the , the sex one , but I mean those .
Those have been , you've been getting filled with those through doing some bad things , and I mean they're addictive things .
Yes , they are . Yeah , Like that . One philosopher said that , hey , if you do or experience something that makes you feel good or great , you're going to want to experience it as often as you can .
Especially if you've been leading a life , living a life where you didn't feel that normal , exactly Okay , you know what I mean , josh . It's like if you're a kid and you maybe didn't have you felt you didn't have the greatest home life .
Yeah .
A lonely kid or something , yeah , and so you weren't used to getting those feel-good chemicals so much . And then when you did get them , you're like
¶ Love and Addiction in Relationships
wow .
Yeah , I can say it's easy to become addicted to the companionship , very easy . The sex and the intimacy . Yeah , relationships can really become an addiction , absolutely For me . And then you start acting like an addict . You get grouchy when you don't get . You don't get some and blame her . And there's also what they call a hedonistic reduction .
So the same things that pleased you in the relationship earlier on you kind of become a little more what's the word not immune , but you become , you develop a tolerance , so like the sex gets stale almost , and then you're wanting more and more . I mean it doesn't happen so easily and so often .
It's not exactly like being addicted to a chemical , but kind of though it can be .
Well it is . Yeah , I know You're totally right , because those things are getting dropped down during the intercourse . You know you're getting the feel good Intercourse . You become addicted to them pretty quick . A person can if they hadn't had a lot of those feelings in the past .
Yeah . You know , and the fear of losing that I think right . And the fear of losing that I think right . Sometimes I felt a lot of fear in relationships . Almost immediately you start to fall for someone and then there's this fear of loss , fear of losing them ?
Yep , and that also can affect the communication too . If you're dwelling on the fear of losing them , that can affect your communication too .
Big time , big time . Because , the one person is thinking wow , this person is needy . Yeah , oh yeah , they're chasing me all over the place .
They're going nuts like come on , stop , stop your eyes . You're just perking up everything . Their phone rings or they get a message beeps and you just kind of the one person is on high alert for it to come in .
Yeah , because they have to have that . That dopamine hit . The other person is going wow , wow , johnny's acting weird towards me . He's chasing me a lot . Yeah , oh , trying to . Yeah , he's trying to do weird things to me . You know what I ?
mean You've stayed with us this far , and that shows commitment , proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution .
Now let's rejoin the show already in progress . So I mean , it's really it's a very interesting thing , and I wish we're living in an age where , right now , where there is a lot of addiction going around , big , big yes , and you said unhappiness to an epidemic of unhappiness .
unhappiness , you know , and we want people to be happy and , of course , we all want to be happy , but right now we're living in a situation that gives extreme um perspective . Yes , because right now happiness is at a premium , it feels like there's a lot to be unhappy about . Yes , there is . And who creates that unhappiness ?
We do . In my opinion we do .
But there's some real drivers out there that love to sell fear that's in the media , news and things that use negativity for sensationalism and then sensationalism sells advertising . And then some people we have to watch If you watch the news still , because I gave up on watching TV news some five years ago or more but it's like a horror show a lot of times .
I don't know if COVID was like watching a full horror movie , to the point where I was having nightmares after watching the news about COVID escaping the lab and running into this other strain of COVID and the two of them merged together and became a super COVID and it was like an amoeba flowing down the hallways and I woke up in a cold sweat of like this is
bad , this is going to be bad , right , and then the reality was not it and the reality was not it wasn't that , it was not that .
Not that at all and they came out and admitted it
¶ Power of Positive Thinking
. You know , I think a big thing that people can lack and can get in the way of their happiness is confidence .
Yeah .
When a person isn't confident and all you have to do is just call it and say what it is . I'm going to be confident .
Yes .
Why not ? I'm going to accept whatever happens , and I'm gonna be cut yeah fake it , fake it till you make it fake it till you make it and you start saying I'm gonna be confident . Before you know it , you're confident and then , before you know it , you've done great things absolutely like in the treatment center .
I have the clients do this . I tell them sobriety is for people who want it , not need it , right ? So I have them look in the mirror and say I want want to stay sober today . I said if you do that several times , you will want to stay sober , you'll believe it and recovery will become easier for you .
Of course , then as you incorporate the steps into it , meetings and all that , and yeah , it's just like I'll get in the shower sometimes in the morning and I just think , man , today is going to not be a good day . I don't feel that good and I'm in the shower immediately .
I'll turn that around and I'll say today is going to be the very best day I've had in a long , long time . Exactly . And every time I say that it is . That's right , even if it's cloudy outside or the sun's not shining , I'll be the sunshine in somebody's life . Then You're proclaiming it .
Exactly so . You're getting into negative self-talk and positive self-talk , self-talk and positive self-talk . So maybe when you're having , when you're not happy , there may be some some subjective sorry , subconscious or um subtle , um , you know , driving oneself , oh , there's away from happiness .
Yeah , I mean , we accidentally well , let's , let's remember that 95 of our brain is subconscious and the other five is just , is our working brain , that we understand , you know , and we're loaded with files , I think it's 2080 , but files and files , and so if we're having a bad day , we got a lot of stuff in our brain that's telling us to have a bad day .
We don't even know it right so we .
So the best thing to do is retrain your subconscious , and when you're feeling down a little bit , you got to say , uh-uh , I'm taking control of this thing yeah , this is gonna be a great day and do something positive , do something positive do something positive , help somebody out , just do something kind , do a positive activity get a hold of your transactional face
, your fears . That's right , yeah face your fears and look , look right through them and face them down , because that right there will free you of a lot of crap .
I'm looking at you fear . Yes , I am yeah , yeah , yeah .
Because that right there wants to stay in the way of our happiness . You face your fears , kick the piss out of them .
I like it too that . Oh sorry , but go ahead . No , go ahead .
You know that old phrase fear came knocking on my door and I sent my faith to go answer it . Yeah , yeah , oh , I like that , I like that one . Yeah , yeah , I sent my faith to go answer . Hey , faith , go get the door , go get the door .
Faith , man Greg's not here right now , but can I take a message ?
Yes .
Burn . My name is faith Right , yeah , yeah .
No , I like that one In in terms of being happy and remember that failure is a huge part of success .
Yes , yeah , so many times . People fail and what happens is they think they're a failure as a person . I learned this a long time ago failure is not a person , it's just simply an event it's part of what yeah , just an event . That's all it is .
Yeah , yeah what were you gonna say , josh ?
or I'm just gonna riff on what he said too . There's some quote it . It's a good one . Of course I'm going to misquote it , but something like success is fall down seven times , get up eight times .
Is that right yeah ?
that was good .
I don't know .
That is good , because you're just saying keep getting up when you get knocked down because that's a part of life , that's right .
The most famous and useful people and all the big scientists and brains .
Like they all failed so many dozens or hundreds of times , it's we remember them for their lap , for the time they didn't fail and and they and they figured it out yeah , um , whatever it might be , but I was gonna say too um , happiness , um , we can suffer when we become attached to things and to ideas and to outcomes that we are hoping for , and then , when
those things are taken from us or when they don't occur , we can suffer quite a bit . So to be truly happy , I think you need your goals and your hopes and your dreams , let's say , but you can't be too attached To anything really . You need to live lightly , like a leaf floating on the water .
I would call that expectations or premeditated resentment . Sometimes I've had those in the past where I've had such a strong expectation on a person , place or thing . I expected it to work out this way and when it didn't , oh my God , the world came collapsing down on me .
I was resentful , and sometimes with everybody around me I'm like , no , that's not a place to be resentful . And sometimes that everybody around me , I'm like no , that's not a place to be . Just yeah , just uh , yeah , try not to for myself , I try not to have too strong expectations .
It's like any more of my fears , like when dating somebody aren't there the way they used to be . It's like , oh my God , what if ? What if it doesn't work out Well , that's going to affect the communication . So I I kind of live by this If a door of happiness closes , another opens .
But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the door of happiness , the new door of happiness that has opened up for us see what I mean yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . Or if we lose something . We're so focused on what we lose instead of what we really gain . Yep , or about to gain ?
yeah focus and perspective . That's right . Perspective is huge it is , it is that's why it's always good to understand and to feel and just to watch the world around you I mean , there's so many , it's so easy to tell what happiness is , because you can see what unhappiness is .
Yeah , Having gratitude , you know to bring that idea back . So unhappiness , I think , is living your life always looking for what's missing . I know something's missing . Why am I ? I could be happier . I could be happier . What is it that I don't have ?
But instead of doing that , you count your blessings and think about all the unlikely things that have happened that you have and that you know , the friends and the people you know and the situation . That are your blessings , and feeling gratitude . That , I think , gets you properly centered for happiness .
Well , gratitude is so good for just keeping that list of gratitude . It gives you the right perspective , right ? Right Is that ?
what you were saying . I think so , and that makes you happy , I think .
It does . It does , yes , it does .
Even the simple things it does . We're alive , we're alive , that's cool , right yeah . Yeah , and then also too , like Craig and I talked about before you arrived at the studio , josh , we mentioned something . Like you know , when you like this girl at the beginning , it's like , wow , I do have some hope for this .
Yeah , I feel so , and even Relationship hasn't blossomed . If I have hope , the byproduct of hope for me is happiness , because I still feel happy as long as there's that hope . Yeah , see what I mean . But I have to remember too , like hey , if it doesn't work out , guess what you know ? On to the next one , on to the next one Don't let it .
Don't allow it to eat my lunch .
And if you could feel that way about life , to feel that giddy sort of nervous but hopeful and blissful anticipation of something wonderful is going to happen .
Yeah , and you don't need it . Believe positive , positive thinking , the power of positive thinking .
Yeah , and just that it doesn't need to be a lover . It's really wonderful when it is , but also if you could somehow hold that for all of life . It's amazing . People become blasé about , like you said , just being on the earth or being in a physical body . How unlikely is that that we're in this mysterious universe ? How can you ever be ?
I understand how you can be unhappy , but really , when you're fully awake and immersed in it , it's like this is amazing . Oh it is . We have got to , you know , but again , how ?
do they get there ? What term is that ? It's perspective yes , you've got to have that , and if you don't have it , you can get it . Everything you need we got Everything we need . We really have it inside of us , oh amen . And if there's anything bad going on , we just need to know the kryptonite . Yes , know what rock to pick up .
Did you still call me Superman ?
Yeah , you know what I mean we're going through something .
There's a kryptonite to everything bad we're going through . It's just a matter of picking yourself up and finding what that is and finding out what you have to do .
Yeah , if we're going through something bad in a relationship , or the beginning of it , or maybe during it , we're going to look at , allow the other things that they might be doing to really bother us . It might be like God . She's not communicating with me .
Well , come to think about it , she's on her cell phone now all the time , just when the communication started going out the door . She's on her cell phone and when I talked to her about it , she's getting upset .
Oh no , I'm just playing some video games right now , whereas before you were enthralled with each other , had each other's attention , the phone wasn't out , right , right , the phone wasn't out , you know . And then the smiling . We talked about that this , uh , I take a walk like every other day , sometimes at the by the water treatment plant .
They have this really nice path and I see couples walking it and not too many couples smile while they're talking . In fact , I saw four couples today when I was walking and there was only one couple that was smiling with each other , and I don't smile while they're talking .
In fact , I saw four couples today when I was walking and there was only one couple that was smiling with each other and I don't know if they were even a couple . They were two , a guy and a girl , college students . It was obvious . They were college age , but the rest were middle age . No , smile on their face . They were smiling , they weren't even talking .
They weren't even talking . You know , it was really weird .
Communication is the backbone of everything . Right it's going to be the backbone of the relationship . It always needs to come through .
Right , just like their body language , like two strangers walking side by side .
Yeah , yeah , just like okay , well , happiness can also be . You don't have to be in a relationship all the time . No , it's okay to . Happiness can be found through just on one's own .
No , you can . Oh , exactly , exactly , in fact really it might be easier .
But it's so . It's so easy , though , to fall into that trap of when you're not getting along with somebody a girlfriend or whatever you fall into that trap of thinking it's just not going to work . It's just not going to work .
It's just not going to work , but it is once you start talking to them and once they start talking to you , and then if a smile comes , and then if whatever comes , it's just about the communication . Yes , because there's something in us that wants to pull us away from the relationship for good . So nonjudgmental , and it doesn't have to be that way .
Communication too .
yeah , Communicate when all else , when you have doubts , ask a question about them ask a question get them to talk about themselves make sure you haven't left your own life and your own purpose behind too , because you might be doing the relationship too actively , you might be thinking about the relationship too much , when really if you just do your life and try to
be excellent , then those things can relationship can fall into place more easily .
It just goes better when you yeah , be yourself doing you yourself , yeah , and then she'll stay true to your goals she misses you and she's , you know , yeah she's , she's stepping up because you , she noticed , those are very good points .
It's just be and do what you have to do for yourself , because all that's going to do is be attractive to that other person .
Alpha .
Yeah , I mean , you're not going to go wrong with that , right yeah , you know , and then that's a beautiful thing , right , yeah ? Yes , thank you very , very much for joining us and hope you picked up a few things on happiness Guys , you have anything else quick before we go . Happy , happy trails .
Up to you , up to you , all right , all right , good night Leslie , good night y'all , take care .
This concludes this episode of the Solution . Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our next episode . Send your questions and comments to Craig2042 at gmailcom . That's Craig with a C . Until next time . Good luck and goodbye .