In this episode, I want to give you tips to help you navigate a world filled with alcohol after you have quit drinking. I know this can be a real frustrating aspect of getting sober. I spent a lot of my early years in recovery trying to avoid alcohol at all costs. I would change the channel when beer commercials came on, would avoid the liquor aisle at stores, passed up on many events that alcohol would be present, and as a result I became very bitter about the fact that alcohol is a big part of our society and really can’t be avoided.
With the holidays coming up, it seems like we get invited to more parties than other times of the year so I thought this would be a good time to talk about this. I did cover specific tips for surviving the holidays in episode 6, so if you haven’t listened to that one yet, I would suggest listening to that one too. In this episode we will talk about more general situations that we encounter on a regular basis.
I think the first key for me to begin to deal with this better was coming to acceptance with the fact that alcohol is a big part of our society. I know it can feel unfair that something that had such a negative effect on our life is celebrated by the society we live in. But the fact is the majority of the people are able to enjoy alcohol responsibly and should not have to adjust because of the small percentage of us that for whatever reason could not. Fair or unfair does not matter, we only have the choice of learning to accept and deal with it or to fight an eternal battle that we cannot win against society.
I prefer to focus on the things I can control. What I can’t control is whether or not alcohol will be a presence in my life, but I can control how I react to it and how I approach situations where I know I will be around alcohol. This is not as difficult as most people make it.
I remember when I first got sober, I asked people questions like “how do I say no when I am offered a drink or tell people that I don’t drink?”. This was a very stressful situation for me. I would imagine being at an event, someone would offer me a drink. I would say no. They would ask why. They would continue to pressure me. I would be tempted or get angry that they are pushing booze on me. I would replay the potential conversations in my head over and over and before I would even go into the situation, my anxiety level would be so off the charts, a drink honestly started sounding good and I haven’t even had a chance to say no yet.
I asked other people in recovery how they handle it, and I got a lot of very creative answers. “Say you are allergic to alcohol”. “Say you have something to do early in the morning”. “Tell them you are on medication that doesn’t react well with alcohol”.
I remember I went to my first work function where alcohol was going to be flowing armed with these answers and I found that almost every time, they would prompt follow up questions or comments. “What do you mean allergic? Like do you swell up and get hives. I never heard of an alcohol allergy. What is it like?” or “You know most medications say alcohol intensifies the effects, so isn’t that an even better reason to have a few” or “what are you talking early in the morning? It’s only 8, one drink now isn’t going to make getting out of bed any harder”.
I quickly found out that making excuses do not work well for a couple reasons. The longer or more you go into an explanation, the more likely you aren’t being completely honest. This is instantly going to pique the curiosity of other people and curious people are going to often ask follow-up questions. This may not even be them trying to get to the bottom of your reason to not be drinking, but they simply may be curious to learn more about your situation and genuinely want to know more. Or they may simply just think you are full of it (which was true in many of my canned excuses) and are playing detective and trying to crack the case.
Either way, I learned quickly that simple is better in most cases. I will give you some examples of what I am talking about in many different situations I have been in.
First, lets talk about dealing with work functions. This was one of the scenarios I feared the most. In general, I am more of a private person when it comes to mixing work and my personal life, so I didn’t feel the need to air out my dirty laundry with coworkers, plus there was the fear of judgment if my coworkers knew I had a drinking problem in the past. I thought I would miss out on promotions, they would suspect a relapse if I called in sick, they would think I had no discipline or that I would be unreliable.
Because of this, the first part of my sobriety I avoided work functions if possible. But then I got an amazing job where I travel often for work and part of that job is often going out to dinner or drinks after the workday. Often this is done with the people we are there to meet, so this is part of the job and avoidance was no longer the solution. I am in the medical field so many of these dinners are with doctors, so the allergic excuse wasn’t going to go over well.
I decided to try something different and simply not make a big deal out of it and not give a reason for not drinking. If we are at a dinner table and the waiter is taking drink orders, I simply order a diet coke or a water. Sure enough, no one noticed.
If we are out somewhere for cocktails and someone is ordering a round of alcohol and asks me if I want something, I also just ask for a diet coke or a water. This often would prompt a follow-up question like “You’re not drinking?”. I simply respond, “Nah, not tonight”. What I found is that 9/10 times, that ended the conversation. Despite what I thought, most people don’t care that I am not drinking.
The reason people were pressing earlier is because the creative answers I was trying to use created the desire to continue the conversation. And the few times that people have asked more it was because they were being genuine in wanting to know more about me and not being nosey. I find when I am being genuine, people are more likely to be genuine back. When I am not, then they are less likely to be genuine.
Let me give you an example of a real conversation I had with a coworker of mine Brian. This was probably the second or third time we were on a trip together. Brian is one of those annoying people that can drink responsibly and be the life of the party. Basically, he had the relationship with alcohol I so desperately wanted for so many years. Anyways, I had said “not tonight” several times to Brian when he was buying rounds. One time, it was just me and him standing next to each other and he asked, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you not drink at all?”. I decided to be completely open with him and said, “I used to, but it was ruining my life, so I quit about 10 years ago”. We talked for a few more minutes about it, he told me how good I am doing in life now, that it obviously was the right choice, he knows it is not easy and that 10 years in a huge accomplishment. He didn’t judge me, he was proud of how I turned my life around. I have had similar conversations with other coworkers when the conversation has naturally come up. They have all went the same way. My coworkers judge me on who I am now and not by my past and Brian not longer asks if I want a drink and offers me a diet coke by default when he is getting rounds.
With such a huge success on being simple and genuine with my response with my coworkers, I decided to apply that to other situations where I might be offered a drink from someone who does not know I don’t drink. For example, I joined a bowling league a few years ago with a group of guys I didn’t know. If you have never bowled on a league, the beer is definitely flowing pretty good on league nights. My first week of bowling, one of the guys was buying a round and asked what I was drinking. “Just a Diet Coke”. “You don’t want a beer?”. “No, I am good, thanks though”. He didn’t ask why and that was the last time he asked if I wanted a beer. Once again, I learned people don’t care as much about me not drinking as I thought they did.
Now the one scenario that I found was a lot more tricky was being around people that I used to drink with. These situations can be very unique and challenging in their own ways, so I likely won’t be able to cover every situation you might get into, but I will categorize a few types of people that hopefully will cover many of the situations you might run into.
In these situations, the person likely knows you had a drinking problem even if you think you were the type that hid it well. So, I do not suggest beating around the bush and just being completely honest up front. However, how they will respond likely depends on what category they fall into.
The first is the “you can have just one right” person. You know the story. You are a social situation or family event, and this person is not comfortable with you not drinking. Maybe they miss their old drinking buddy, maybe they think now that you are sober you are judging them, or they simply may not know how you honestly can’t have just one.
I had this happen to me at a friends wedding I went to shortly after I got out of rehab. One of the guys I drank a lot with came up to me already drunk and got straight to the point “I heard you quit drinking”. “Yeah, you saw how bad it was getting, I needed to quit”. “What you can’t have just one”. “I don’t want to risk it my friend”. He pressed a little bit more and I looked for a quick exit plan. I saw someone walk in through the door that I knew and said “I am going to say hi to Tony, it was good seeing you. Take care man” and I walked away.
Here is the thing with this type of person. They are not worth your effort to try to convince them. You don’t owe them an explanation, there is no reason to engage in a debate with them, it is best to simply leave the situation. This was not going to be someone I hung out with after I quit drinking, so it is best to just move on.
But what if that person is someone that is in your life. Maybe it is a very close friend, a family member, or even a spouse. This is where setting clear boundaries is critical. I will go into setting boundaries more in a future episode, but I would suggest saying something like this “I realized drinking was causing me to not live the life I want to, and quitting is something that is really important to me. I know I can’t have just one and being offered or encouraged to have just one makes this more difficult. I would love to have your understanding and support on this”. If it is someone who is the type of person that is going to love and support you, then this will be enough. If that person tries again in the future, I will be much more direct with my response. Something like “I have told you how important this is to me, and I need you to respect that”. And if it is an issue beyond that, I honestly have to evaluation if that person is someone I need in my life moving forward since they have shown me now that my boundaries and my recovery is not something they are going to respect.
The next type of person I want to talk about is the “can’t you still come and just drink soda” person. This was more of an issue for me in early sobriety. My old friends still wanted me to continue coming to my old places. For me that was the bar I used to hang out at. I got sober in a small community, so running into my old drinking buddies was not something I could avoid. It was a pretty common occurrence that I would be at the grocery store, run into someone, and there would be a conversation something like this “Man, we miss you at the pool tournaments on Thursdays. Can’t you come in and still shoot and just drink soda or something?”. Just like in the other situations, I find short and sweet is the best approach. I would just say something like “Man, I miss shooting in those tournaments too. It’s just something I can’t do right now though. Tell everyone I said hi. It was good seeing you”.
I am at the point of my recovery now, that I know I can be around alcohol and not be tempted to drink, but I still don’t like the bar scene. So, my answer has changed when someone invites me out to hang out at a bar. I simply just say “Thanks for the invitation, but the bar scene just isn’t my thing”.
The last bucket is the stranger that I met that doesn’t know that I don’t drink. This usually starts with meeting someone in a casual environment when they say, “hey we should go grab a drink sometime”. If its someone I want to hang out with more, I just say something like “I don’t drink myself, but I would love to go hang out with you sometime”. 99% of the time, they respond with “Oh, we don’t have to grab a drink, we can grab coffee or a bite to eat”. In many of these situations I can tell people want to learn more about me but may feel uncomfortable asking questions about it out of respect for what is often a delicate situation. In these scenarios I often just volunteer answers to questions I know is coming. For example, if I just in conversation told someone I don’t drink, and they say “Not at all?” as they look at the beer in their hand almost out of guilt, I will often answer that questions along with another one I know people are wondering. I say “No, it was a problem for me, so I needed to stop. But don’t worry, I am cool being around it, so you keep enjoying that beer you are trying to hide”.
I am guessing you are picking up a few themes here. One people don’t seem to care as much about me quitting drinking as I thought. Second, I need to re-evaluate the relationships I had in the past with people that seem to prioritize me drinking over me being sober. This was one of the tougher things I had to navigate and it really showed me which people in my life cared about me enough to prioritize me turning my life around over us getting drunk together.
And in all situations, it is better to be short, direct, and uncompromising. You are not inviting a discussion or debate. I don’t go around broadcasting my past problems with alcohol, but I do not shy away from telling people that I don’t drink. And I am very open about why if they ask. I don’t go into my whole story unless it is a situation where it makes sense. And I don’t make a big deal out of it, because I don’t want it to be a big deal, and the way you approach the subject when it comes up, will set the tone for most conversations you are going to have.
This is going to be unique to your situations and it is best to find what works for you, but I hope you found some of these tips useful. If you did, please share it with someone else that you think it may help. When you do that, it helps my podcast become more accessible to others so that more people can join us on this amazing journey. I am doing this because I know a lot of people are struggling in their recovery and I want to help as many people as I can, and that is only possible with your help.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.