Welcome to the sober and happy podcast where we talk about all things recovery-related, how to navigate the challenges that we will face along the way on our journey towards our best lives, and how we can go from living a life of simply just being sober to a life where we are both sober and happy.
There is no easy way to say this, but if you want to live a life free of addiction, you are going to have to make some serious sacrifices in your life. You may have to make drastic changes around the people you hang out with, the places you go, and the things you do.
So how do we know what things we need to change in our lives to support building our new lives and how do we deal with the challenges associated with making those changes? That is what we are going to talk about today.
So buckle up, this is going to be a great episode.
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OK, now back to the episode.
Anything in life that is worth achieving is going to require sacrifice.
In life when we commit to something, there are always tradeoffs. When you have a choice between two things, you are not only choosing to do one thing, you are also choosing not to do the other thing. There are tradeoffs with every decision that we make in life. There is no way around that fact.
In recovery, this couldn’t be more true. If you want a new life free of addiction, you have to give up many of the habits, environments, and beliefs that led us to and kept us in a life of addiction.
I know that is one of the hardest things for many alcoholics and addicts to accept. We often want to keep everything else the same and just remove the substance and that is a recipe for disaster.
I struggled with this during my first few attempts at sobriety, and my unwillingness to make sacrifices is ultimately what led to each relapse. I had other excuses for my relapses, but when I got really honest with myself, I was not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to support a life free of my addiction. I prioritized other things I was afraid to let go of over what was really important to me in my life.
Even this time when I got sober, I still had many things I was still wanting to hold onto, but I was able to recognize the potential hazards of my choices and made the decision to make certain sacrifices in areas of my life that ultimately led to where I am today.
So how do we know what is the right decision to make when were are struggling with a choice in our life?
I will start by asking the following questions:
What are the potential positive outcomes and the potential negative outcomes with the choice in front of you? What about if you flip the script, and try the opposite?
Let me give you an example. When I got sober in 2011, the majority of my social circle were people who drank regularly. I spent most of my time hanging out with these people, either at the bar I was a regular at, or at each other's houses. I did not want to give up my friends. I still wanted to hang out with the same people, and do the same things and was able to convince myself that I could do all these things and just drink Diet Coke instead of alcohol.
My plan was to stop going to the bar regularly and just go on Thursday nights when they had their weekly pool tournament that I enjoyed playing in.
I went a few weeks, didn’t drink, and considered that a sign that I could do this. However, I noticed a few things. Although I was not able to drink, I thought about it when I was there, didn’t have as much fun, and for days after going to the bar, my cravings to drink were much higher than when I didn’t go.
So, if I were to answer the questions I brought up a few questions ago, this is what I came up with.
What are the potential positive outcomes and the potential negative outcomes with the choice in front of you?
The potential positive outcomes are that I got to see my drinking buddies, I would occasionally win a couple of bucks in the pool tournament, and I would get out of the house and do something I enjoy.
The negative potential outcomes are that my cravings would continue to intensify, I eventually relapse, I break the hearts of the people that I love who support me, and I go back to living my life of misery and destruction.
Now if I flip the script and look at what happens if I avoid going to the bar?
The potential negative outcome is that I might disappoint my drinking buddies since I don’t hang out with them anymore and I sit at home bored on a Thursday night.
The potential positive outcomes are that I stay sober, I use that time to start trying new things to find other things I enjoy, I start building the life I deserve, and I show the people who love and support me, with my actions and not just words, that I am really serious this time about changing.
So now I look at that and ask myself of the two paths, which one is going to get you closer to the life you want to live? The answer is obvious, but making the right choice isn’t always that easy though.
When we know the facts, we can now have the logical reasons to make the choice, but that usually is not enough. Most of us in recovery know the right thing to do in most situations, but there is often an emotional barrier that is holding us back from making the correct decisions.
What is the emotional reason holding you back from making the right choice?
When we look at this, we will usually see what we are actually afraid of that is holding us back from making the decision that is best for us.
To start to find this, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of”? “If I know what I am supposed to do, then what is holding me back from actually doing the right thing”? “What is my biggest fear that is stopping me from doing that?”
Part of my fear of letting go of some of my old life and friends is the fear of disappointing other people. I was worried that my friends would think that I thought I was too good for them. But part of life is disappointing people. By prioritizing my drinking buddies, I was also disappointing other people in my life who I committed to trying to change. Other friends, family members, and especially myself.
So, once I was able to name the fear, I had clarity. Now I had to ask myself, “Am I going to let my fear of disappointing my old drinking buddies stop me from living the life I want and instead make choices may ultimately lead me back to a life of addiction and misery?”
So, after thinking about that for a while, I decided it was the obvious choice that I stopped going to the bar and hanging out in places with people that created the desire to drink inside of me.
I want to pause real quick and let you know that when you make these types of sacrifices, that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to be able to do some of the things ever again.
In life and recovery, we live many different seasons. In early recovery, any environment where I associated with drinking, made me want to drink. So for that season in my life, I needed to not put myself in those situations. As time went on and I had built a strong foundation in my recovery and my identity shifted to someone who does not drink, I am now able to go to places and be around alcohol without the slightest thought of drinking.
When we get sober we have to make a complete identity shift, as uncomfortable as that might be, until we discover who we are in our new life. What I found, is that I don’t enjoy just sitting at the bar around a bunch of people drinking, however, I do enjoy activities such as concerts, going to sporting events, and bowling in a league, where many of the people around me are choosing to drink. But it doesn’t bother me anymore, because I no longer drink. I have made that identity shift, but it isn’t something that I could just tell myself like I did when I tried to still go to my old bar, I had to make a series of decisions and actions over a period of time to change into that new identity.
When making any identity shift, it is important to ask “What is the story you are telling yourself”? The stories we tell ourselves are what create our identity.
When we make choices in life, we need to look at the story we are telling ourselves to support the choices, because ultimately those represent who we say we are.
If I am justifying going to a bar surrounded by people who might pressure me into drinking or even simply are not going to hold me accountable when I am considering having “just one”, is that the identity of someone who is committed to a life of sobriety?
If I am not willing to sacrifice a night out and experience a little FOMO for my recovery, then I am still living the identity of someone who prioritizes holding onto my old life instead of embracing the changes necessary to create a better one.
People often ask me, does that mean I can’t ever have fun again? No, you just have to learn new ways of having fun that are in line with who you are trying to be.
Trust me, once you start experiencing fun without the need to get intoxicated, you are going to find that many of the things you previously considered fun are actually pretty boring, which is why we needed to get drunk in the first place to make them fun.
People will often say to me “I tried something different last weekend and it wasn’t fun” and assume that means they can’t have fun sober. Well, try something different instead of so quickly reverting back to the identity of someone who can not have fun without drinking.
Imagine if we gave up on everything we tried after only a few tries. We didn’t learn to walk the first time we tried, yet at that point in our lives, we were determined that we would learn to walk no matter how many times we tried and failed. Failing at something does not mean that we are a failure, just simply that it didn’t work out yet. Tap back into that determination that you used to possess as a kid learning to walk, and keep trying until you figure it out.
And just like learning to walk, the moment it might seem like we are never going to figure it out, we take a few steps. Then before we know it, we are running. We still stumbled and fell sometimes and got some scrapes and bruises, but we got back up, brushed ourselves off, and took off running again. If we live our lives with the same determination we used to have, nothing can stop us.
The recovery story you get to tell is what you do from this moment in your life. Do you want to be the person who never fully committed to your recovery, and was unwilling to sacrifice and give up things from your old life because it was too uncomfortable? That you keep relapsing because you were not willing to sacrifice things for your recovery? Is that the story you want to tell?
Or would you rather tell the story of the person who built a life so amazing that the desire to live your old life completely disappeared? That you prioritized things like family and supportive friends over short-term moments of pleasure. That you became the type of person who was willing to make the necessary sacrifices and push through discomfort to do anything to build the life that you deserve. That because you made some sacrifices, you completely beat your addiction and are free now to live a life where you can achieve anything you want to?
Which one is the story you want to tell?
Each of those stories represents two completely different identities that will travel drastically different paths in their life. The details in your stories may vary slightly but will have similar paths that each will lead to. Each one will have their own sacrifices that come with the choice that you make. You can not avoid sacrifices in life, you just have to choose what you are willing to sacrifice.
That my friends is the ultimate question that all of us must face at some point in our recovery journey, so choose wisely.
I want to thank you for listening to this episode and I hope you are finding value from listening to my podcast. If you are, I am asking for two huge favors from you this week that would help me. Share the episode with one person you think would find it impactful, and please subscribe to the podcast, both of which will help it grow.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.