Welcome to the sober and happy podcast where we talk about all things recovery related, how to navigate the challenges that we will face along the way on our journey towards our best lives, and how we can go from living a life of simply just being sober to a life where we are both sober and happy.
You hear it often said that almost everyone has been effected by addiction at some level, and this week has been a big reminder for me. I am attending a podcast conference and have gotten to meet a lot of people in my day here. The conversations at this type of conference usually starts with a quick introduction, and then you ask each other what your podcast is about. As I would tell people that I do a podcast of addiction and recovery, person after person has shared with me about how addiction has impacted their life. From the gentleman at the vendor booth that told me that addiction runs rampant throughout his family to the retired police officer to lost his sister to addiction earlier this year.
It reminded me of the negative ripples that addiction has far beyond the person addicted, but also showed me the importance of getting sober, so that we can start creating positive ripples from our new way of living.
I had another episode already scheduled and ready to go for today, but decided instead that I want to talk about how we can change the current of the ripples we create from negative to positive.
So buckle up, this is going to be a great episode.
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OK, now back to the episode.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I remember early in my addictions when friends or family would approach me concerned about my drinking, by primary though was “this is only effecting me, so I don’t know why they are bothering me about it”. As my addiction grew, the immediate impact I was having on the people around me became more apparent and I could no longer lie to myself. However, it wasn’t until after I got sober that I realize how far the negative ripples traveled.
A few months after I got out of rehab, I met a friend of my moms for the first time. She told me that she was so proud of me getting sober and how much happier my mom was.
I have to be honest, my initial reaction was being a little upset that my mom was talking about my struggles with her friends. However, I quickly realized that my mom too was suffering greatly from having to watch her son drink himself to death, and the support of her friends was what helped carry her through.
Then as I looked at my moms friend, I realized my addiction also had an impact on her. Anyone who has met my mom knows how easy it is to connect with and care for her deeply. If you think of anyone you care deeply about, you know when you watch them suffer, you also suffer.
And then I thought about how when I am worried about a friend, it is really hard to be present in the moment since my thoughts are with them. I thought about friends of my moms sitting at dinner tables with their families not able to be fully present because they were worried about my moms depression getting worse and worse.
It was only then, that I realized that it wasn’t only the people closest to me that were effected by my addiction. They were the big splash when you throw a stone in a pond, but the ripples traveled even further. And although the ripples decrease in size as they spead out, they still exist.
In the depths of addiction, our actions often send out negative ripples that impact not only ourselves but also those around us. The lies, manipulation, broken promises – these actions create a wake of pain and chaos. Families, friends, and even strangers can be caught in the crossfire of our struggle. The turbulances that we cause spread much further than the point of impact.
I don’t bring up this point to make you feel worse about the impact of your actions. I do it because, you can only have a turning point at the moment of realization. I got sober when I finally realized the level of impact my drinking was having on my mom. But the realization of the deeper impact I was having on everyone around me, is when I had my second turning point which inspired me to want to start creating positive ripples that spread as far as the negative ones I created in the past.
All of our journeys represent a turning point. Not just in quitting the substances we are addicted to, but also creating an opportunity to alter the course of the ripples that we send out into the universe.
So, how does this transformation occur?
Getting sober alone is not enough to alter the course of those ripples. I know when I first got sober, I was an irritable son of a bitch. I was still tossing negative stones into the pond of life anytime I was angry or annoyed and it didn’t take much to do that.
I also as many of us when we still are suffering from unhealed wounds, started engaging in other destructive behaviors to try to cover up the pain I had not yet learned to process.
But as we progress in our recovery, we can start replacing old destructive behaviors with positive ones.
Think of these positive changes as puzzle pieces fitting into place. Each piece represents a healthy habit, a step towards healing, and a gesture of love or kindness – both for ourselves and those around us.
In the beginning of recovery, it was hard for me to see any positive I could bring to the world. So, for me, the first step was working on simply not creating more negative ripples.
A lady I knew in recovery used to say all the time “you don’t have to show up to every argument you are invited to”. In my irritable state then, I tended to not only show up to every argument I was invited to, I often invited myself to arguments where I didn’t have an invitation to.
I could easily have days long texting arguments and don’t even get me started on commenting negatively on everything I disagreed with on social media. Unfortunately, this is very common with people I see in recovery. Go on most recovery groups on the internet and you will see in the comment section, that people can be very negative to each other. I am not proud to say, that for a period of time, I was contributing to that negativity. It is one of the reasons, I created a group on Facebook where the primary focus to compassion and support whether we agree with each other or not. It is my attempt to reverse the course of negative ripples that I caused years ago.
But long before I created that group, I simply focused on practicing not lashing out on other people. I put a time limit on myself between the time I typed a text or comment on Facebook and hit the send button.
This I found moderately effective when I first started practicing this. There were still many times, I paused, walked away, came back and still said “you know what? Screw them” and hit the send button.
I also began practiving pausing before reacting when I was reacting to a situation in person, which I found much harder.
But in both those scenarios, even though I was far from perfect then and still not today, the more I practiced, the better I got.
But even those times we slip, we always have the opportunity to follow up with an apology, and never underestimate the power of geniunely saying “I am sorry” to someone.
Which brings me to one of the most powerful ways we can begin to reverse the ripples we send out, which is making amends for the wrong we have done.
Like many of us, I put off making amends after getting sober out of fear, guilt, shame, or even the thought that putting it off wasn’t causing any additional harm and telling myself I would get around to it when I was ready.
But then I had the realization that by delaying making things right, that I was still causing harm to other people.
Let’s do a little exercise to show this. I want you to think back to something someone did to you that they have never appologized for. Someone that completely did you wrong. Maybe it was an ex that treated you bad, cheated on you, or left you for someone else. They moved on with their life, and never had the common courtesy to even pause, see how it effected you, and take a moment to say “you know what, I was wrong for doing that to you, you did not deserve to be treated that way, and I am sorry.”
Now, how did that feel to think about that? It hurt a little, didn’t it? It could have been months or even years ago, but it still has power over you.
Resentment is a powerful negative emotion. The gift of amends is the opportunity to allow someone to let go of that resentment. Now, they have the choice to whether they want to let it go or not, but if we never say that we are sorry, we are not even giving them that opporunity.
Now I know that there are many things that we have done that we may not fully be able to make amends for. When I got sober, I owed a lot of people money. But I did not have to wait until I got the money to say I am sorry. The money is only part of the hurt caused, the betrayal behind the money owed often cuts much deeper.
I approached people I owed, applogized for my actions, and told them that they are amongst a lot of people that I owe and that I would begin paying them back a little at a time as I could. I was amazed at the power of just apologizing had. Most people were happy with $20 here and there, and had some people even tell me not to worry about the money and that I could pay them back by doing everything in my power to stay sober.
Making amends doesn't just mend relationships, but it also sends out ripples of healing and forgiveness. These ripples can extend far beyond our immediate circle, touching lives we might not even be aware of just like the negative ripples did in my story earlier of my moms friends.
The last and probably most powerful thing I want to talk about is a positive ripple that only us in recovery have the power to create. One of the most beautiful aspects of the recovery journey is how our transformation can inspire others. Our stories or recovery has so much power not only to those struggling, but to all that have been impacted by addiction.
I first realized the true power of this several years ago. I went to a Tony Robbins conference. I was there because I have always been inspired by him and I also wanted to walk across the hot coals.
During this event, I was sitting next to a lady and began talking to her. Up to this point, I tended to keep my past to my self mostly out of shame and the fear of judgement.
But as we talked she shared with me that her son was deep into his addiction and she didn’t see him ever getting better. At that moment, I thought that was how my mom must have felt, so I shared with her my story. We shared tears and some laughs, and before we parted ways she thanked me for giving her hope that her son might one day too get sober.
This is once of the reasons I encourage people to recover our loud and not in anonymity. One of the greatest gifts anyone can receive is the gift of hope. You have an opportunity to be a beacon of hope. Your story has so much power in it. Not only to those who still suffer with active addiction, but to the people that are dieing inside watching a loved one suffer from addiction.
It is the greatest way I have found to this day to begin to spread those positive ripples.
I want to thank you for listening to this episode and I hope you are finding value from listening to my podcast. If you are, I am asking for two huge favors from you this week that would help me. Share the episode with one person you think would find it impactful, and please subscribe to the podcast, both of which will help it grow.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.