Welcome to the sober and happy podcast where we talk about all things recovery related, how to navigate the challenges that we will face along the way on our journey towards our best lives, and how we can go from living a life of simply just being sober to a life where we are both sober and happy.
When I first sober everything reminded me of everything I was missing out on. Songs on the radio, posts on social media, and it seemed like every commercial on TV showed people living their best life with a Coors light in their hand.
“I am never going to have fun again” is the thought that kept going through my mind. I knew I couldn’t drink again and I had no desire to go back to that old way of life. I simply resigned to the fact that my destiny was going to be a boring, sober, life.
But that is not the life I live today. My life has more fun and excitement in it than I ever did drinking. But how did I go from accepting my fate of a boring sober life to a life filled with fun, adventure, and fulfillment?
Well, that is what we are going to talk about today.
So buckle up, this is going to be a great episode.
Welcome back. I have an exciting announcement. I am going to start publishing a weekly newsletter in a week. I will be talking about topics relating to recovery along with sharing resources that I find that I have found helpful in my recovery journey. If you are interested in receiving the newsletter, just go to https://soberandhappy.com/newsletter/ and sign up.
OK, now back to the episode.
Let me know if something like this has happened to you. You have had a pretty good week, you are feeling good about being sober, and you are looking forward to a well-earned, nice relaxing Friday night home. Maybe ordering some of your favorite food for dinner and you are going to binge-watch that show on Netflix you have been wanting to watch. The food is delivered, you sit on the couch, start the show, and just out of pure habit you grab your phone, open up Facebook, and see a post from a couple of your friends that they are out at the bar, getting ready for a crazy night out.
Your stomach gets a knot in it, the satisfied feeling of a good week disappears and any excitement about the nice relaxing night that you had planned is completely gone and is instantly replaced by a classic case of the fear of missing out, better known as FOMO.
You spend the rest of the evening trying to enjoy your food and binge-watching, but you get no enjoyment out of it. All you can think about is that you aren’t at the bar with your friends.
Nothing has changed in your world. You still had a good week where you felt positive about being sober. The meal you ordered is still one of your favorite foods. The show you are watching was still one that you looked forward to. The only thing that has changed is your perspective.
You are not alone in this struggle. This is one of the biggest reasons I see people relapse in early recovery.
But here is the good news. Despite what your mind might be telling you at that moment, you are not broken, this will not last forever, and a sober life does not have to be about all the things you can not do.
In fact, your sober life can be filled with more fun and opportunities than drunken nights at a bar could ever give you. That is the essence of the sober and happy lifestyle.
It only takes a few changes to start shifting that perspective. I will share with you some steps you can take immediately that will help reduce the occurrences of FOMO moments which will set in motion the process to help you realize that you are not missing out and that you, in fact, are shifting to a lifestyle that will actually deliver lasting fun and happiness, not just the momentary ones that we chased in our addictions.
The first quick win you can do is to change up your social media. It would be ideal to take a break, but I know as much as I tried to do that, I always seemed to find myself back on there scrolling through my feed finding myself not only with a fresh dose of FOMO, but also beating myself up for not having the will-power to not going on there.
We don’t need any extra negative self-talk, so if staying off social media is too hard, just do these few things.
First, unfollow your old drinking buddies. You aren’t unfriending them, and they will not know that you have unfollowed them. You simply are removing them from your feed, so you are not intentionally causing unnecessary struggles for yourself.
Next, start filling that gap with things that lift you up.
Did you meet some new friends that are sober? Make sure to add them as friends.
Do you have some old friends who were positive influences in your life in the past, that you grew apart from when your addiction took a turn for the worst? Send them a message, say hi, let them know you got sober, and ask them if you can catch up.
You can also join some recovery Facebook groups where the posts are mostly positive and uplifting. Follow some pages on social media that talk about recovery. This is a good spot for me to pause and shamelessly plug both my Facebook group and my social media pages. The links are in the description.
What we are doing with this process, is slowly removing the things that bring you down, and adding things that lift you up instead so you aren’t left with a void that comes with simply just removing something.
But we can’t just stop there. Sure, filling your social media with positive, uplifting things can help with inspiration, but that is not going to provide the fulfillment and joy needed to live a sober and happy life.
That requires actually getting out into the world and learning what actually provides that joy and fulfillment. And if you were anything like me, you may have no idea what you even like, since pretty much everything you did involved having a drink in your hand.
So how do we get started? Well, you can actually start with social media. Make a post on one of those Facebook groups and ask people the kinds of things they have started doing after getting sober. Ask if anyone is in your area that might want to go do something. Search for groups in your area that do sober events. For example, there is a group here in Phoenix that does sober nights out.
Then, actually, get out and start trying things.
I know what many of you are saying right now: “But Tim, I need alcohol to socialize. It helped with my social anxiety”.
Here is the good news, I suffer from social anxiety too. In fact, it was so bad at the beginning of my recovery, I was diagnosed as borderline agoraphobic which is the fear of leaving the house. It was so bad at times, I couldn’t even go out on my front porch if my neighbors were outside. So if I could learn to do it, so can you. Here are some tips that helped me, which I know can help you too.
Let’s say you found a sober event in your area. Contact the person organizing it so you can at least know one person there. I know when you struggle with social anxiety, walking into a room of people you do not know, is just about the worst feeling you can experience.
Here is an example of what I would do at the beginning of my recovery when my social anxiety was absolutely crippling.
I would reach out to the person organizing it, introduce myself, and explain my struggle. This is not a time for trying to stuff down or hide your struggles. When we hide something like this, it adds a layer of shame to the way we are feeling. It is perfectly understandable how you feel, and they likely have experienced similar things.
I would usually send a message saying something like this. “Hey, this is Tim. I saw the event that you are hosting and it sounds like a lot of fun. I am newly sober, and to be honest, my social anxiety is off the charts right now without the help of my liquid courage. I usually can not bring myself to walk into a room full of people I do not know. Would it be OK if I show up a little early and help you with anything you need to set things up?”
99% of the time, I got a very excited “yes” because who doesn’t like receiving help, along with helping someone with something they are struggling with?
With this, you have now accomplished two things. You eliminated the extra stress of going into a room full of people you don’t know, and you have just met someone who is going to be at the event.
An added benefit is since you are there first, as people trickle in, the host almost always will introduce you to people individually and you will quickly start meeting other people at the party. I know meeting people one by one was always easier for me than meeting a group of people all at once.
And since you are meeting people, now is a perfect time to execute part 2 of the plan for getting out more. Look for some sober running buddies. I know this requires initiating conversations with people which can be tough too, so here is what I do. People love talking about themselves, so just ask questions. When I am introduced to people, I just say something like “This is my first sober event, do you go to many of these things”. If they say yes, tell them that you are newly sober and don’t know many people that go out and do sober things, that you are still struggling with socializing sober, and ask them how they find things to do.
Guess what will usually happen next? They will offer to exchange numbers and you just found your first sober running buddy. And when they invite you to something, you now have someone you know there, and you can repeat this entire process all over again. That creates momentum, and momentum is one of the greatest things you can have for making any change.
And if you ride that momentum, try new things, get out, and meet new people, you will begin to fill that void that is left when you quit drinking. And then one day you will wake up and realize that you no longer miss those drunken nights, you are finding joy, happiness, and fulfillment in your life, and that your sober life is in fact not boring and you are not missing out. That my friends is the essence of living a sober and happy life.
I want to thank you for listening to this episode and I hope you are finding value from listening to my podcast. If you are, I am asking for two huge favors from you this week that would help me. Share the episode with one person you think would find it impactful, and please subscribe to the podcast, both of which will help it grow.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.