Welcome to the sober and happy podcast where we talk about all things recovery related, how to navigate the challenges that we will face along the way on our journey towards our best lives, and how we can go from living a life of simply just being sober to a life where we are both sober and happy.
I know when I first got sober, it seemed like everything started falling into place. Things were turning around, I was feeling great and was accomplishing so much in life. I definitely was riding what is often referred to as the pink cloud which is that euphoria that you often feel in early sobriety. And I thought that is what sobriety was going to be like forever.
And then life happened and brought me crashing back down to reality. So many of the emotions I used alcohol for like depression, anxiety, and loneliness returned. And just like how I thought that amazing feeling of new sobriety was going to last forever, I started thinking that I was going to struggle forever.
This is the point where a lot of people start feeling hopeless again and give up. But if you get through those periods you will come out stronger and feeling even better on the other side.
Today we will talk about how to not only navigate the ups and downs of recovery but also how to come out of the low points stronger and in a better place on the other side of it.
So buckle up, this is going to be a great episode.
Welcome back. One quick teaser about an upcoming exciting announcement. We have had amazing success with our private Facebook group which I have linked in the show notes. But many people have reached out and said they would like something off of social media where there are more resources available to support their recovery journey. I am working on putting something together now and will be making an official announcement in the upcoming week. However, if that sounds like something you are interested in and you want to be notified, email me at [email protected] and I will send you the details. You definitely want to get in with the founding members of the group, since I will also be including some swag bags for the founding members.
OK, now back to the episode.
Before we dive in, let's take a moment to remind ourselves that recovery is a unique journey for each individual. There's no one-size-fits-all approach, and it's okay to face setbacks along the way. In fact, ups and downs are an integral part of recovery, and they offer valuable opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
I think it is important to remember this because most disappointments in life come from unfulfilled expectations. If we think back to the story I told in the intro, when early sobriety was really good, I had an unrealistic expectation that everything was going to keep going my way and I would always feel that amazing.
So when I hit my first rough patch, I didn’t see it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I instantly fell into deep self-pity and thought life was unfair since I was doing everything right, and the hopelessness started to return and I started to question whether it was even worth it.
This is the stage of recovery where I see the biggest group of people fall off. I know my mind started telling me things like “if I am going to be this miserable, I might as well be drunk”. Luckily, before I gave up, I emerged out of that darkness and saw that it was just a stage I was going through.
That is the thing. Recovery has many stages and some of them are more challenging than others. Also, life has seasons regardless if you are in recovery or not. Getting sober does not make us immune to the ups and downs in life, it just gives us an opportunity to learn how to navigate through them and come out stronger on the other side.
I find that understanding and accepting that fact has made those uncomfortable seasons less dramatic and shorter in duration. But it is something I have to constantly remind myself of when I am feeling down, because I am still very prone to fall into the “I am going to feel bad forever” mode if I am not careful.
In fact, to remind myself that life is seasonal, I have a set of pictures above my bed. It is a picture of a forest and each panel shows the forest during each season of the year. From the trees being green and full of leaves in the spring, all the way to them being bare and covered in snow in the winter. When I have a particularly bad day, it is an amazing reminder that even though I might be in winter right now, that means spring is coming next.
I love the example of how the tree navigates the seasons and how that also applies to our personal seasons in life.
In spring, the tree awakens from its dormant state, and new buds start to sprout. The season is filled with renewal and growth as the tree begins to blossom with fresh leaves and flowers.
This is the season that we are in when we first get sober. Most of us came out of a long and harsh winter. This also is the season after we have worked through something particularly difficult in recovery.
Spring symbolizes new beginnings, opportunities, and the start of positive changes. This season is the time to plant the seeds of our dreams, set goals, and nurture our aspirations.
Just as the tree requires care and attention to thrive, we too must invest effort, dedication, and a positive mindset to make the most of this season in our lives.
Then summer brings warmth, sunlight, and abundance to the tree. Its branches are filled with lush green foliage, and it stands tall, strong, and beautiful.
In our lives, summer represents a period of flourishing and success. It's when our efforts from spring bear fruit, and we experience the joy of achievement and the rewards of hard work.
In recovery, this is usually the stage referred to as the pink cloud. Things are finally starting to turn around. Relationships that were damaged in our addiction are starting to be healed, we are creating new and healthy relationships, and we start putting things together like getting a job, getting our license back, signing a lease on our first sober apartment, and for many even things as big as getting custody back of their children.
This is when we really get to enjoy the fruits of our labor, feel that amazing sense of accomplishment, and enjoy the many opportunities that start coming our way.
This is the easiest season to give in to the urge to just set the cruise control and try to ride this season out, and just take it easy for a while since everything is going so well.
However, just like the tree that needs proper maintenance and protection from the scorching heat, we must remain humble, mindful, and remember to take care of ourselves and keep doing everything that got us to this period in our recovery or life.
Then autumn arrives, and the tree undergoes significant changes. Its leaves gradually turn vibrant colors, and just as the leaves get to the most beautiful they will ever get they begin to fall to the ground.
This is the part of recovery where we must start letting go of things and embrace change. This is the part when things honestly don’t feel fair. Just as everything got so beautiful, why do things seem to start falling apart?
This also is the stage that many people start to panic. We desperately search the ground and try to pick up the fallen leaves because we struggle to accept that this is the natural cycle of life.
The leaves can represent many things. It could be old beliefs that we have been carrying with us our whole lives. They also can be habits or behaviors that we know are not good for us, but we are still unwilling to give up. It also may be toxic relationships that are holding us back from living our best lives or even worse that are pulling us back to our old ones. The ones that we know in our hearts we need to finally let go of, but we are still desperately clinging onto.
However, just like the tree eventually sheds its leaves, letting go of what no longer serves us allows us to make space for new opportunities and growth. Autumn reminds us that nothing lasts forever and that we can adapt to change rather than frantically trying to gather up the leaves on the ground.
Then in winter, the tree enters a period of dormancy, appearing bare and vulnerable. The harsh weather conditions will test its resilience, yet it stands firm, knowing that this season is essential for its survival and future growth.
Here is the cool thing though. Those leaves that we were so worried about falling to the ground in autumn start to turn to mulch which adds nutrients to the soil. The nutrient-rich soil feeds the roots which allows the tree to grow and be stronger. If the tree never sheds those leaves in autumn, the soil would not have the nutrients to feed the roots, and the tree would eventually fall over and die.
This is the part in recovery when we start to feel things. All of the emotions that we spent years trying to avoid with drugs and alcohol start surfacing. We start questioning whether it is worth it. We start desperately looking for anything to make us not feel the cold of winter.
This is also the most pivotal point in our journeys, both in recovery and in life. The harsh cold of winter sucks, but there are good ways to warm up and there are bad ways. Burning the house down will provide us with plenty of heat, but in the end, we end up just standing in the cold with no shelter. On the flip side, a cozy small fire and a warm blanket can also provide us with heat. But it isn’t as quick and intense, and the fireplace requires that we constantly tend to it to keep it going, but in the end, we don’t end up standing outside in the cold with no shelter.
In our lives, winter represents times of introspection, solitude, and patience. It might be a challenging period, where we face hardships and uncertainties. However, just like the tree drawing strength from its roots during winter, we too can tap into our inner reserves, seek support from loved ones, and embrace the lessons that come with adversity. Winter is a time to reflect on our experiences, learn from them, and prepare for the new beginnings that spring will bring.
We will have many winters in our recovery journeys and lives. Some will come on gradually, and some will come quickly with no warning.
My experience though is just like the tree gets stronger from this season, so have I from each of the winters I experienced.
The first big one was my father dying when I was 11 months sober. It was one of the hardest experiences in my life and I was 600 miles from the comfort of my home and my support group. But as difficult as that was, I came home from that experience as a new man only because I faced all of that sober. Up until that point, I had a list of things that I thought when they happened, that I thought there was a good chance I would drink over it and that people would understand. Having walked through the first thing on that list sober, I knew that I could face anything.
But that experience also stirred up a lot of feelings I had been stuffing down with alcohol and drugs. That brought on a longer period of winter. My dad wasn’t around when I was a kid because his own addictions landed him in prison. I had a lot of anger and sadness around that. And once I started feeling again, the floodgates were open and I started feeling everything. I had never learned how to sit with those feelings and properly process those emotions. That winter presented me with an opportunity to learn how to do that. It has taken a ton of work with the help of some amazing therapists, but learning healthy ways of dealing with feelings has by far been the biggest and most critical growth spurt I have had not only in recovery but in my life. None of that would have happened without living through that season.
You are going to have winters in life and they can’t be avoided. I am not going to lie and tell you that with each one they get easier. Just like in nature, some winters are more mellow and some are really harsh.
However, in my experience with each one you walk through, you get a better understanding that they are opportunities to grow, that they will not last forever, and that the good part about winter, is that spring is right around the corner.
And the life lesson I have gotten from the many seasons I have lived through in my recovery is to be like a tree.
Just as a tree gracefully transitions through each season, we too can navigate the different seasons of our lives with grace, adaptability, and resilience.
Remember that every phase holds its unique lessons and beauty. Embrace change, learn patience, and trust in the cycle of life as you continue to grow and evolve, much like the steadfast and enduring tree.
Thank you for listening to this episode and I hope you are finding value from listening to my podcast. If you are, I am asking for two huge favors from you this week that would help me. Share the episode with one person you think would find it impactful, and please subscribe to my podcast, both of which will help the podcast grow even more.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.