Welcome to the sober and happy podcast where we talk about all things recovery related, how to navigate the challenges that we will face along the way on our journey towards our best lives, and how we can go from living a life of simply just being sober to a life where we are both sober and happy.
This last week I did a lot of reflection and thinking about my dad. He died the week before Father's Day, so this time of year I think about him and spending the last few days he was on this earth with him. My father died with a lifetime full of regrets and talking with him about that had a profound effect on my sobriety then, and for chasing my dreams now. So today, I want to talk about the importance of not putting off all those things we keep saying we will get to tomorrow and why we should take action today.
So buckle up, this is going to be a great episode.
Before getting started I have an exciting announcement. When I decided to leave Alcoholics Anonymous, the one thing I missed the most was the community that programs like that provide. Last week I announced that I was going to launch a Facebook group for people looking for support that is not modeled around 12-step programs. We have launched and it is growing fast and I would love to have you join us. You can find it by going over to facebook.com/groups/soberandhappy. I will also put a link in the show notes for you.
Now let's get back to the episode.
I talked about my father in the intro of this episode. If you haven’t heard the story in past episodes I will give you a little background.
My father was in and out of prison for much of my life. The last time he went to prison was when he was 65. When I was about 11 months sober I was going to head down to Kingman, Arizona, and visit him in prison for Father's Day weekend.
The week before I was supposed to go down there, the prison chaplain called me and told me that they discovered my Dad has cancer throughout his body and if I wanted to see him, I needed to come then. So I hopped in a car and drove down there the next day.
First, let me tell you what it looks like when you are dying when you are still in custody because this is one of the potential ends of a lifetime of addiction. My father who at that point was so weak he couldn’t even sit up in bed, still had to be handcuffed to his hospital bed. We were in a room that at all times had two prison guards watching us and listening to our every word. Very private words spoken from a dying father to his son.
Also, because of a lifetime full of wreckage my father had caused most of the people in our family no longer talked to him. Despite having brothers, sisters, children, and various nieces and nephews within a few hours' drive, I was the only one on his visitation list and the only one that could show up and be by his side when he died.
And that weighed heavy on my dad's heart during those final moments. He was not upset that no one else was there, as he realized it was his actions that created that ending. What he realized was that a lifetime of tomorrows was no longer available to him. He was going to apologize tomorrow. He was going to turn things around tomorrow. He was going to make things right tomorrow. And the reality that he put all that off one time too many and that opportunity was no longer available hit him like a ton of bricks.
I saw a side of my father I had never seen before. “I am scared bro,” he said. As we talked more, it wasn’t death he was scared of. It was dying knowing that people who deserved amends from him were never going to get it. “Tell your mom I am sorry. Tell your Aunts I am sorry. Tell your sister I am sorry. Tell your brother I am sorry.” He asked me to find ex-girlfriends and other people he had hurt and tell them he was sorry.
I promised him I would, and not long after he went to sleep and never woke up. My father died with a lifetime full of regrets.
But his death wasn’t in vain. You see at that point in my life I was 11 months sober and I had also been putting off making things right with the people I hurt during my active addiction. I kept telling myself I was going to do it tomorrow, next week, or next month. Or my favorite kick the can down the road phrase, I was going to do it “when I was ready”.
But after experiencing that moment with my Dad, I knew that I didn’t want to put it off any longer. It wasn’t long after I got back to California, I found myself in a rental car again doing what I joking referred to as my “amends tour”. I started in Sacramento and ended up all the way to the Mexican border.
I was afraid of facing my past. I was scared of what people would say to me that I did wrong. What I got was an amazing lesson in forgiveness and I was able to repair relationships with people that are no longer with me today. Relationships that would have never been able to be repaired if I would have continued to put this off. If you want to hear more about that experience, go listen to episode 3 where I talk about that in detail.
I would love to tell you that after that experience, I no longer put off things I wanted to do, and I have been chasing my dreams ever since, but that is not true. I had a lifetime of a pattern of avoidance which was validated by the message I was hearing in AA to “not make any big decisions in the first couple of years”.
So I patted myself on the back for taking action with my amends and I put all my dreams on a shelf with plans to do them “someday” and slowly my soul was dimmed.
This is the part of recovery where people talk about the “pink cloud” of early recovery going away. If you are not familiar with the term “pink cloud” this is the stage of recovery when someone is in a euphoric state. We are so excited about escaping our addictions and our future seems so bright.
But then one day, that pink cloud. The amazing feeling was gone. And life became dull. I was told this was normal. This was sobriety. The thought that would be the rest of my life was depressing, and I think this is why many people relapse at this point.
Here is the thing. What if we ignored the advice to put off our big dreams? What if we chased those dreams with the same determination we chased our addictions?
I have great news… when you go after your dreams the pink cloud comes back. The excitement of life returns. Our future outlook on life becomes exciting again. Instead of the dull, depressing, lifelong stage of recovery after the pink cloud wears off that I was told was normal, I was filled with fulfillment, excitement, anticipation, and life again.
But that can’t happen if we wait until tomorrow. One of my favorite sayings is “Yesterday you said tomorrow”. I want you to think about what you keep putting off. Whether it is finally pouring out that bottle and getting sober, making changes to live healthier, enrolling in that class, taking your kids to Disneyland, leaving a toxic relationship, or finally asking for that raise you deserve, delaying action only holds us back from reaching our goals and living a fulfilling life.
When we continually put off taking action, we fall into the trap of believing that opportunities will always be available to us in the future. We convince ourselves that tomorrow will be the perfect time to start, make changes, or pursue our dreams. However, this mindset can lead to missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential.
The truth is, the future is uncertain, and waiting for the "right" moment may mean waiting forever. By doing this, we rob ourselves of the chance to make progress and create the life we desire.
Here is the thing. We are not only robbing ourselves of fulfillment but putting things off is going to lead to an accumulation of regret. Think of every time you think of a missed opportunity, what happens? You are filled with a sense of disappointment and frustration. The more things we put off, the more this will weigh on us.
In fact, there was a study done by psychologist Bronnie Ware, she interviewed individuals nearing the end of their lives and asked them about their regrets.
What she found is these people didn’t regret the times they tried things and failed. The study revealed the common theme was the regret from the consequences of waiting to take action.
They expressed regret for not living a life true to themselves and not pursuing their dreams, passions, or authentic desires due to fear, societal expectations, or the pursuit of external validation.
They regretted the missed opportunities for personal growth and meaningful connections. Many wished they had taken more risks, seized more chances, and embraced uncertainty instead of playing it safe and staying within their comfort zones.
The study concluded that waiting for the "right" time can lead to regrets and unfulfilled aspirations.
Each time we say, "I'll start tomorrow" or "I'll do it later," we delay our potential for growth and personal fulfillment. The longer we postpone action, the greater the accumulation of regret.
And some of those regrets of putting off action can be ones that are extremely difficult to move on from. I can’t tell you how many people I know that waited to get sober, thinking that their loved ones would keep giving them yet another second chance, only to wait too long and find out that they used up their last “second chance”. You never know when your last chance really is your last chance.
Regardless of what you are putting off, we must break the cycle of delay.
One way I have found to do this is by setting realistic and actionable goals. Break down your big dreams into smaller, manageable steps that you can take today. This creates momentum and keeps you focused on the present rather than getting lost in future expectations.
Another key is to start holding yourself accountable. Become responsible for your actions and decisions. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who encourage you to take action and provide guidance along the way.
Once we start taking action and stop saying “tomorrow”, we will start to experience growth and positive change. Facing and embracing the discomfort of taking that first step will lead to a huge leap in your personal development and give you a sense of empowerment.
Remember though, our progress will not always be constant and we are going to hit roadblocks and detours along the way. However, if we are still consistently taking action and learning from our experiences, we will build one of the greatest traits that someone in recovery can have: resiliency.
I don’t want you to stop listening to this episode without committing to yourself an action you are going to take.
I want you to reflect on your passions, dreams, and values, and pick something you keep putting off. I want you to prioritize what truly matters to you. I want you to think of how you feel by continually delaying pursuing your dreams. Now I want to imagine how amazing it would feel to chase and achieve that dream.
Those are the two paths that we face every day. The present moment is all we have, we can seize opportunities, make necessary changes, and live in alignment with our true selves or we can wait until tomorrow.
The choice is yours, my friend. Choose wisely.
Thank you for listening and I am hoping you are enjoying my podcast. This podcast is growing. I do not pay to advertise it, so I know it is only growing because you guys are sharing it. I want to express my gratitude for that because this is that dream I had been putting off for so long that I am finally chasing. And each time you share an episode, you are helping me pursue that dream, so thank you and please keep sharing it.
New episodes come out each Friday, so I look forward to connecting with you next week. And as always, thank you so much for listening, and keep living sober and happy.