One Underappreciated Way To Genuinely Feel Better

coming to you from Atlanta this is the science of  self where you learn to improve your life from the inside out the this is your host Russell  and today is Thursday February 23rd 2023.

today's episode comes from Nick Trenton's  book stop negative thinking and in this episode one under appreciated way to genuinely  feel better we learn how to practice emotional self-regulation so that we can decide which  emotions to attend to when why and for how long Toxic positivity is not really about feeling  good feelings—it’s more about the desire to feel good feelings, or even the expectation  and entitlement to those positive feelings.

It’s this unrealistic expectation  that makes encountering real life even more unpleasant than it would ordinarily be! If we have a vision of what life should look  like (do you catch the distorted thinking?), then we are at risk of labeling even normal  or neutral events as “negative” when they aren’t—they just don’t match up to some artificial  image of what we think positivity looks like.

So, we may wake up one day to a completely  normal and ordinary life, but because we are not super energetic and enthusiastic,  our work doesn’t light a fire in us, and we don’t happen to be madly in love with our  partners that day—we think something is wrong. In a way, toxic positivity has an unfortunate  side effect: it makes us ungrateful.

We may be permanently dissatisfied if  we compare our lives to an unrealistic vision of the glittering and eternal  contentment we feel we’re supposed to have. If you genuinely want to feel happier, though  (right now, not when all your pesky problems are solved and you are finally perfect), then  try to focus with gratitude on what you have. It sounds too simple to work, but it does. Start every morning with a list of five things  that you are grateful for in your life right now.

Sometimes, we already have  wonderful and positive lives—we’ve just become desensitized to our blessings  and begun to take it all for granted. Right now, can you think of five things that are perfectly “ordinary” in your life  that are, in fact, wonderful gifts?

Emotional Regulation As we become better at recognizing  negative and distorted thinking, and as we learn to guard against fake,  unrealistic “positive thinking,” we find that we are developing a skill that goes far beyond  positive and negative: emotional regulation. When we are capable of emotional regulation, we become conscious and capable masters of  our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

We can reuse to engage in destructive or distorted  thinking, while at the same time know when to tolerate and “hold” negative emotions, asking  ourselves what good we can extract from them. We are likewise aware when we are feeling calm,  content, joyful, hopeful—and welcome that too, being fully aware of how to cultivate and  enjoy those emotions when they happen. Consider the emotion of anger. Is anger a “positive” or “negative” emotion? Well, it really depends.

If you’re at work and dealing  with an irritable customer, you cannot freely express your anger  or let it get the better of you. Instead, you have to notice the anger, choose not to succumb to it, and  act as professionally as you can. However, if someone in your personal life insults you and attempts to violate a  boundary, you would feel anger, too.

In this case, though, expressing some of this  anger may be exactly the right thing—since it clearly communicates your  limits, asserts your dignity, and lets the other person know to back off! Anger is a normal and natural  emotion to have in both situations. However, in the first, it’s much less  useful to express it than in the second. In both these cases, there is a higher  awareness that is taking control and asking, “What am I feeling? Why?

What is the cause of this emotion, and  what will be the effect of me acting on it? What do I want to achieve here? How can I help this emotion move on?” This is the voice of emotional self-regulation. It is not merely a case of “upregulating the  good feelings and down-regulating the bad ones,” but rather a meat-emotion that allows  you to be aware of and take charge of your emotional state—and then take action in a way  that makes sense for you in any given context.

So, what makes an emotion  “positive” or “negative” is a mix of 1. our own goals 2. our context 3. the values and principles we’re living by If we are not in control of ourselves, not aware, and not acting with a mind to our  goals and values, then even if we feel “positive” emotions, we can’t really  be said to have mastered self-regulation. First things first—emotional regulation  is NOT the same as repression, toxic positivity, or ignoring how you really feel.

Rather, it’s about consciously choosing • which emotions we pay attention to and encourage • when we have them • how we express them externally • how we experience them internally Note that there is no option to “choose  whether I feel emotions or not." We all do! Emotions are a fact of life. But we do get a lot of say over  when, where, and how we express them. We choose all the above in  relation to our goals and values.

For example: On receiving a terrible birthday gift, “I  choose not to express disappointment right now because I value my friendship with this  person and don’t want to hurt their feelings.” Before heading into an important job interview,  “I choose to drastically dial up my feelings of confidence and enthusiasm so I can impress my  interviewer because my goal is to get hired.”

During some alone time with your journal on a  Sunday morning, “I choose to explore and express my sadness right now because I want to process  and release these feelings and grow as a person.” Goals and values provide a framework. Together with our awareness, they  help us decide on the intensity, quality, and duration of our emotional response. So, we saw that Craig was in the grips of toxic positivity and was being emotionally  inauthentic with himself and others.

But what would it have looked like for him  to demonstrate emotional regulation instead? Intensity – Craig could have faced his  sadness but altered how much of it to show to himself and others  depending on the situation. He could have allowed himself to be completely  vulnerable and expressive during therapy, moderately open with his friends, and honest  but more guarded with his work colleagues.

Quality – “Sadness” is a pretty big emotion that  contains lots of subtler shades and nuances, which Craig could play up or  down depending on the situation. With his New Age yoga friends, he could express  the bittersweet and wistful sides of mourning, but with his mother, engage more on the level  of death being an incomprehensible injustice. With his therapist, he can focus on the raw, unapologetic feeling of grief and  explore childhood memories of his sister.

With a colleague, he can  express a more formal sentiment. And so on. All these expressions are “real”—it’s  just that Craig is choosing for his own purposes to focus on each  of them in different moments. Duration – Craig can also put himself in  charge of how long he engages his emotions. In conversation with a close friend, for  example, he might allow himself to reveal plenty of vulnerable emotions, but he consciously  chooses not to let this expression go on and on.

Instead, after a few minutes, he steps out of  the limelight and allows his friend to talk, too. If it seems a little weird to have  so much control over your emotions, consider the fact that emotions themselves are  often short-lived and context-dependent anyway. Remember that emotions are there for  a reason and serve a function—there is nothing wrong with consciously stepping  in and choosing what that function should be!

Likewise, all emotions are  brought into being through and with our cognitive evaluation and  the activation of our core beliefs. This happens whether we realize it  or not—so why not choose the core beliefs we want to guide this important process?

The Life Cycle of an Emotion We can imagine that all  emotions play out on a timeline: There is (1) the initiating event or situation, followed by (2) our conscious  attention on that event. This is followed by (3) our own  unique appraisal of that event, and (4) it’s this appraisal (not the event  itself) that results in us feeling an emotion. From there, the emotion may die  down naturally or be prolonged.

It may prompt action, or it may  get repressed and sent into “the shadow” ... perhaps to burst free at a later time. So, for example, you have a long-haul  flight booked for the following morning. You make an appraisal (“I hate flying! What if the plane crashes?”), and the resulting  emotions are anxiety, panic, and fear. We can step in to regulate our emotions  at a few points in this process.

Here’s how it would look if you were  trying to regulate the anxiety you faced when thinking about your upcoming flight: Situation selection – This is  where we choose which situations to enter according to the emotional  outcomes we can expect for doing so (occurs before we encounter  1, the initiating situation). In our example, this could  look like simply avoiding situations we know will trigger and worsen panic.

We decide not to watch an episode  of Air Crash Investigation and deliberately avoid a friend who  you know shares your anxiety and will only work you up into a froth if you  talk to them too much before your flight. Another possibility is that,  knowing how we’ll respond, we avoid the trip entirely or find  another way to get to our destination. Situation modification – This is where we choose  to change or alter the situation in some way (this is during 1, the initial situation).

In our example, let’s say you do go on the flight. The situation can be modified  to cause less anxiety, though. You take a mild tranquilizer and get an aisle seat and bring plenty of distractions as well  as air-sickness medication if you need it. You practice breathing  exercises and calming mantras. Attentional deployment – This is where  we choose to focus our attention on specific aspects of the situation (this is  during 2, where we place our attention).

In our example, let’s say you do get the flight, and despite your best efforts,  you are still anxious. You consciously choose in that moment  not to focus on and magnify the stress. Instead, you try to talk to the person  next to you, play an immersive game, or try some challenging brain puzzles that  take your mind off things—you only have a fixed mental bandwidth, and you’ll have less  available if you spend it all on another task!

Cognitive change – This is the choice  to consciously modify the meaning we are ascribing to various aspects of the situation  (this occurs at 3, when we make our appraisal). In our example, the thoughts surrounding  this flight might be very negative: “You can’t avoid this, but it’s unbearable." “You’ll probably die." “You hate flying more than  anything else in the world." But you can choose to make a different appraisal.

You can reframe the situation like this: “I am being really brave facing my fears  right now,” or, “Ha ha, look at me! Isn’t this silly fear of mine ridiculous?” or  even, “Flying is annoying and uncomfortable, but it’s far from the end of the world.” Response modulation – This is choosing to  change the way we respond to our emotions physiologically, experientially, or behaviorally  (this occurs at 4, the final response). In our example, you still may  find yourself enormously anxious.

But you can still choose how you  respond to this response itself. Let’s say you notice your panic,  but you are compassionate about it and accept it for what it is  without judgment and resistance. Fearing a panic attack coming on, you call a flight attendant and  discreetly explain the situation, asking if there is a private place onboard you  can go for a few minutes to gather yourself.

As you can tell, the point at which  one aspect of the emotion ends and another begins is not clearcut, but  this is not especially important. What is important is that you are aware and  in control of the emotion as it unfolds, and taking steps to master that emotion  at whatever stage that happens to be. The above process may seem  complicated when laid out all at once, but it’s rather simple to learn it yourself. Here’s how: