Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do The Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello to our world of visual! Oh my god, I'm so excited to be here with you guys. I'm so excited that we're adding video in. Guys, it's so much fun to see the podcast grow. Like when I started this in my apartment, just with a very falcon-looking mic and taking a photo of myself and then now to see myself in my
home studio, adding in video, bonus content coming in. Guys, I am so excited. We have new bonus content coming in. We finally made a decision. It is going to be $7 a month and it's going to include ad free and two to three bonus episodes a month, including an ask me anything. Colin, you can send in questions, dating profile, audit, specific episodes that you guys want to hear. Me and Teca are going to do bonuses. I am so excited. There's
that. We have the course coming out. My website's being done. Like, there's so much growth that I'm just so honored and grateful to share with you guys. So thank you for everybody for being along in this journey with me and thank you guys for supporting. Please do not forget to rate the show on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, Google, YouTube, wherever the fuck you are seeing this or listening to this. Please, please, please. That is how I grow and
that is the only way that I can continue to grow. So don't forget to follow along and on the socials. Do the word podcasts, Sabrina.zohar, and make sure they're me because we've had to take some fake accounts that are trying to get people to send money. So fun. But
this week, guys, I'm so excited. We're going to be talking about that. Expectations in dating literally something that you guys ask about more often than I even would have thought maybe, but I really want to talk about the difference between standards and expectations on realistic versus realistic expectations, reasonable things like that. So I'm really,
really excited to get this going. I've got so many notes that I have written here because I really want to make sure I hit a lot of things because we all know I love to just gibber and fucking jabber. So guys, thank you again for everything. As always, everything is a link in show notes. If you want to ask a question, work with me one on one, just connect it anyway. Everything is going to be there and you can find it there. And guys,
thank you again for supporting our sponsors and just supporting this podcast. It literally means the world. So without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it. Okay, friends. We all know how much I love solo episodes. I love them because it's a chance for me to reconnect with you guys. Like I love having guests on. Do not get me wrong. But this is just my fun time with you guys. So I'm excited. I hope you guys have loved all the episodes.
I hope you guys loved the Masha episode and Benjamin. We just had so many good people and so many amazing guests to come. We've Dr. Romani coming on, Dr. Nicole Lopera is coming on. Mark Groves and I are going to be doing stuff like I'm just so excited. We have Britt Frank coming back for another episode too. So we have got so many amazing things
in the pipeline and I can't wait. So today, we're going to be talking about expectations because I think expectations, especially depending on what they are, could literally set you up for failure. And I'm here to help you set you up for success, right? That's my literal goal for you guys. So I really want to talk about expectations and dating and how to clearly communicate and navigate the uncertainty because I totally understand like I have been
in the trenches with you guys. Like it would be one thing if I were married to my high school sweetheart and it's like, oh, you know, Zohar, you don't literally have any idea what the buck we're going through. But I know what you were thinking because I was that girl that was thinking that or that guy or whatever. Like I am now really just using they because it doesn't matter male or female. And I think we have this common misconception that
like anxiety comes out in women and not men. And it's like everybody feels anxiety. If you're a human, you're probably feeling anxious. And so that is the type of things that we can work on. So I think my name, number one goal here is I want us to be able to identify between reasonable and unrealistic expectations and dating because I think so often we create
this entire narrative in our head. And like I get it. I think if you came from a childhood where like your needs just weren't met, you may have built up these expectations on people. And then it sets you up for failure because if you have an unrealistic expectation from somebody and especially if you're not able to communicate what it is that expectation
is that you have, then I'm unsure how anybody can meet it. And it always shocks me, especially when I talk about communication, how many people really try to pull that protest of like I shouldn't have to do this. And it's like, I'm not sure when we ever discussed or talked about things being easy. And that relationship's like they require work, they require communication. Like, and if that's a discomfort, that's okay. Then this is the area to explore. Where
is the discomfort coming from? Again, what are we learning about the brain and neuroscience and everything is like our brain is designed to help us grow, not designed to help us keep us safe? I'd like that's actually the opposite. Good morning. Our brain is designed to keep us safe, not to help us grow. So with that in mind, then we need to start to learn. I'm like, okay, where are these, where are these expectations coming from? Where did I learn
these? Where did I create these? And then how can I meet myself with some compassion to maybe rework them? I used to have crazy expectations on people. And now virtually none, except realistic ones or ones that I communicate prior. So let's talk about some realistic expectations, right? So mutual respect and honesty. That goes without saying like you should be able to communicate
with your partner and say what it is that you want in order to feel secure. If you are in a relationship or a situation chip or whatever the five, I'm always really quick on situations. I am always shooketh how many people will be like, I'm in a situation chip. And I'm like, so you're, you know that you're in something that's not serving you. You know that you're in something where honesty isn't prevalent. But yet here we are still in it. I'm always
surprised. But anyways, I'm not here to judge. I don't give a shit. You guys do you. I'm just here to help guide you. So, but mutual trust and honesty, like that is an expectation that you can have because that is a very realistic one. And that's to me, like it's just also a non-negotiable. Like I see realistic expectations and reasonable ones almost as non-negotiables like equal commitment. That's reciprocity. Great. Clear communication and mutual respect. Yeah. That's that's something
that you can expect from your partner. And if you don't get that, it's like great, then don't be with this person. You know, if you can't even communicate or tell somebody how you feel without them blowing up, you know, I did a video about this. The difference in when you're communicating with somebody between somebody who is just upset in a fight, like listen, when I get upset, we all know, like all curse. So I'll be like, I'm so fucking frustrated. Do you like what the fuck is
happening? Very big difference than me attacking somebody and saying, you know what you're fucking idiot. Here you go again, drama queen. Oh god, I don't have patience for your bullshit. Like, that is very different. So like even just in communication, we need to be able to learn like, what is effective communication? What's acceptable communication? And like for me, I grew up in a household where like my dad was really volatile to this day. Like you never know. And like I've
communicated this with tech guy, like I don't want to walk on eggshells in my home. That's something I've set for myself. That is an expectation I have of my home and the partner that I live with, the person I wake up to is the person I go to bed to in vice versa. And like I'm always shocked when I say that and people are like, what does that mean? It's like, have you dated in a major city? Have you dated somebody that the night of everything's amazing and you're having the best time in
in the morning. They almost act like as if the night before didn't happen. They didn't say any of that stuff to you. It's like that doesn't that's a fucking no go for me. So respect, of course, mutual respect is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Like if I don't, if I'm not respected for my interest and opinions, then I have no, I don't need to be there. And that's okay. Like I have learned, especially with the career that I have, that I'm very, I understand I trigger people.
I say things that piss people off. And it's like, that's cool. That's not for me to own. I can't recycle. I cannot take on somebody else's reaction, right? But if you're going to be disrespectful towards me, then I just remove you. That's it. Like that's why I block people. That's why I remove them. Yeah, I'm creating an ecosystem that makes me feel secure and safe. Why the fuck do I need people in my secure disrespecting me and talking shit when that just speaks about their own insecurities?
So respect is fucking huge quality time together. That's an absolutely something that you can expect because if you're in a relationship with somebody, how else are you going to be in a relationship with someone? How are you going to be in a relationship with someone if you're not spending time with someone?
That's I think the disconnect for me. It's like, so then what are we doing here? If you're in a relationship, then, but you're not seeing this person, it's like, there's nobody busier than someone that's not interested. And no, that quote does not mean that somebody's just too busy to text you for a day. Like I had some troll and she's like, this woman, she makes a video, like one of me saying there's no one busier than someone that's not interested. And she's like, really coming from the
woman that just a minute ago said texting's not a big deal. Hippocrat. And I was like, or here, here's a fucking thought, ma'am, how about you have selective fucking processing? Because I was like, that's not what I said. If somebody's not trying to see you, spend time with you, call you, text you, face time you, send you a, I don't care, send you a fucking bird carrier, send you a letter in the God damn mail. I don't care what they do. If someone's not trying to make time for you,
what are we doing here? Then at this point, it's a non reciprocal chase. And I don't want you guys to engage in that because that's just a waste of your fucking time. So also another thing that's reasonable, support during difficult times, compromising empathy. Like these are all things that are really normal and realistic to say like, hey, I expect this from a partner and from a relationship. This episode is brought to you by Lumi. Guys, I have been struggling for so long with honestly the
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That we need to also talk about quickly because when we're also communicating expectations and talking to somebody, listening without judgment. It is always surprising to me when like I had a friend a couple of years ago and she told this guy and like, this has happened many at times. I'm just not going to give specific situations from people that I work with now about it. But she was dating this guy and he was being a little inconsistent and they had a really big talk
and he was just like, all right, I'm going to do better. Like I understand he was like I'm really working on my communication like I get it. And he went out to town for a couple of days and while he was at a town like a day after they had talked to texts or saying thinking of you miss you and I can't wait to see you. And you know what a response to him was? What was this a butt dial or a drunk
text? And sure enough, the dude didn't respond. And when she, and then she started freaking out blowing up his phone and he straight up just told he like he was like, I'm not dealing with this while I'm away. And he was like, you know what's really hurtful. He was like, I was fucking trying. I was trying. And instead you backlashed me. And it's like, do you blame somebody for shutting down? Because if somebody came to me and was like, I need more. And then when I show the more than they
judge me or they put me down, it's like, we need to create a safe space. So if somebody comes to you and says, you hurt me, it's not about judging them or screaming at them. It's about sharing feelings openly and allowing someone else to have an experience that was not yours. That's a huge area of opportunity for growth. And I see this almost every day where like if it's not your expect, you're the proverbial you, if it's not this experience, then it's wrong. No one else can
feel it's like the fucking don't go on a coffee date. You're not high valued. It's like, but that's not my experience. My experience personally has been fantastic. I love a casual date for a first date. I don't need to waste my fucking time. Sorry. If you've only been on one date in six months and you're a whole thing is that you want to go to like, sure, if you're going to judge other people because they want to go to coffee, I was sometimes going on five or six dates a week living in a
major city where there's a plethora of people to meet. So this is my point. Everyone's experiences are different. So we have to make space for other people to experience thing. Right? So then we kind of go into like the difference between unspoken versus spoken expectations. If you're not communicating with your partner, I don't understand how you think that people like mind reading,
that's protest behavior of like show me that you care about me. Show me that you like me. When you were a kid, if you didn't feel comfortable and you are hoping people would anticipate your needs and they didn't. So now you're hoping everybody else will because it feels uncomfortable for you to communicate that. That's totally a quote. If that is your experience, that is okay. We can meet you there with compassion, but at the same time, then we need to work on that because it's not fair
for anybody. It's not fair for you. It's not fair for them. For any party involved to be dealing with not knowing what it is that their partner wants, but yet then getting their partner getting angry at them for not doing it. And like I said, if communication is a struggle, like then this is what we need to work on. So what is an expectation? Is a strong belief that something will happen or a case that will happen in the future? So what are synonyms of it? Presumption, assumption,
and belief. Have you ever heard of the saying assumption makes an ass assuming makes an asset of you and me? Presuming things, a belief. So you believe it's going to happen. And so when it doesn't, and you don't communicate, you see the perfect storm that's starting to grow? So then we go, great, we have all these realistic expectations, right? All of these things that, yeah, we communicate this. Like, hey, what is it that you want in a relationship? Consistency,
reciprocity, clarity, trust. Like you are communicating. Here's what I expect from you. Like I'll never forget on my dating profile. It said, effort equals interest. And I was like, by doing that, I was like, I expect that this person's going to show an effort by showing their interest by doing effort. Great. I clearly communicated what it is that I expected back. That was my belief. Hey, you want to be in my life? Here's what's going to happen. And if not, that's totally cool. Very big
difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. A boundary just means you keep doing you. That just doesn't work for me. And ultimatum is you need to change that. Otherwise, I'm out of here. Sounds like the trolls on the internet that try to make me change who I am, right? And then they threaten if they don't. It's like, cool, that's an ultimatum. Get the fuck out of here. That I don't have patience for versus we can a boundary. Cool. That doesn't work for you. That's fine. You
just keep moving. Like keep going. So unrealistic expectations involve demands, criticism, or rigid assumptions. Yes, you heard that correctly. So what is here? Here are four examples I literally highlighted that were considered unrealistic expectations from a therapist I was watching on the internet who was talking about this requires constant attention and validation. It's my anxious
folks out there. I'm talking to you, expecting your partner to read your mind and know how you feel, trying to change aspects of your partners' personalities or values and assuming in the relationship that the relationship will be perfect and fight free, I could do an entire fucking podcast episode on hitting each one of those notes. The constant attention and validation, my anxious babes, I get it, I get it, I understand. Here's a thing, I understand explanation,
but I cannot excuse the behavior. It's not appropriate. Like I'm going to call something out really quick and I'm sure I'm sure I'm going to get shit on for this. The anxious needs to stop blaming the avoidant. It's enough. Same with the avoid like everybody needs to stop blaming everybody, but I get protested by anxious people. I get it. I have anxiety. Stop like hug the bullshit. People come to me all the time like you must be avoidant. Then it's like no, stop making assumptions
of other people. Instead, maybe look at yourself as everything is deflect and project and put it on to everyone else instead of being like, yeah, maybe this is something I'm dealing with. Holy shit, I am expecting my partner to constantly validate and reassure me. That's not realistic. That no one can do that. Your parents couldn't do that because no human can do that. You do that for yourself. You can constantly validate yourself, but no one can constantly validate and reassure you.
Expecting your partner to read your mind. We just, if I can talk to about that and know how you feel. It's like, no, nobody's just going to know growing up if your parents couldn't attune to your needs, then doesn't mean that anybody else is going to. It's hard. Sometimes I don't want to have to know how my partner feels and read his mind. We went through that. Then I felt I was like, oh my god, I'm reliving my childhood dynamic. I was like, now I'm hyper vigilant. Now I have to watch
what this person's doing to anticipate their needs. I was like, no, thank you. No, thank you. Trying to change aspects of your partner's personality or values. Please stop trying to change people. Please stop. If he wanted to, he would. I said, cool, that's really fucking like low brow thinking because you're, well, they don't want to change for me. You're right. I don't want to change for other people because I don't stand for something I fall for everything.
So if I do something white and I'm saying, this is how I do it, like this is what, or this is what it is that I want. I am not ready for a relationship. It's incredibly arrogant and entitled to think that someone's going to change for you. Who, I'm sorry, who are you? That someone has to change their entire life to have you in that. Maybe that's not a priority to this person. But it's unrealistic to think that, well, then
needless mountain must not like me enough. It's like, so you make this about you. So then we have nothing. So this is nothing to do with the other person. And it also shows that then you don't genuinely care about the other person. You just care about the fact that they're not choosing you. He, he, sorry to call out the fucking elephant in the room. And like I said, you want to keep saying if
you wanted to, he would let me know how that's how your dating life is. That's cool. I don't care. This is my point. You do you. If you don't like it, that's fine. Don't listen. Like that's cool. You go in on your journey. I'm personally saying based on psychology and how the brain works. This shouldn't help you. But like, it's your journey, baby. I trust you guys. So unrealistic expectations stem from insecurity, fear of abandonment. That'll make sense. And the attempt to control your partner's
behavior. You want me to repeat that? Because I will. Insecurity, fear of abandonment and trying to change your partner's behavior. So that's where unrealistic expectations come from. So they undermine intimacy and they push you guys apart. Because that's all this does because the reality is like, so here's a three examples I wrote down of literal examples. So demanding more investment than you give. I get this all the time of like, why is he doing this and why is he doing that? And it's like,
but what are you doing? You're literally not even contacting this person. You're not being vulnerable. You're not sharing how you feel. Like it's okay to say, I'm doing all of this and this person's not matching it. Okay, well, then there's a disconnect. That's not reciprocal. But demanding that somebody else do all of this stuff, but it's like, but then what are you also doing? It's not fair to you have to do everything for me, but I don't have to do anything for you. Again, you are the main
character of your movie. You are not shit to everyone else's movie. I am not shit to everyone else's movie. I'm humble as fuck to know that. And I think that's just like, if you demand that somebody else does something when you're not even, it's like, well, that's just not, that's unrealistic. So forbidding relationships with a certain gender, this drives me insane. There's so much insecurity rooted. There are on paper two genders, right? Biologically, I know that we have all of these other
nuances and stuff, but I'm talking men and women, right? Just biologically. So if you're going to knock out an entire group of people and be like, well, you're not allowed to talk to any women. That's insecurity. That has nothing to do with your partner. And I get it all the time of people being like, by my partner's best friends of girls, it's like, that girl has existed much longer than you have. And who are you to come in and be like, well, you can't talk to her.
Then you'd be out of my life within seconds if someone was trying to control who I have in my life. I have tons of guy friends. I've stayed at my guy friend's house. Is when I go to visit and sleep in their guest room, same with tech guy. Like, we have no issues because we trust each other. It's an unrealistic expectation to be like, you're not allowed to talk to women. Woof. It's gonna be a really
fucking lonely reality that that because we need both men and women and these and whatever. We need other people and perspectives to learn. I don't want to do to just hang out with dudes. Yikes. It's gonna be a really broy guy or same with girls. It's gonna be bitchy if you just hang out with women. No. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, therapy is so, so, so important. And it's not just about going to therapy. It's about having the right therapist. And that's what I love about
better help is that it's not necessarily the easiest thing in the world to find. It's like dating. It's not the easiest thing to find somebody that makes you feel seen, heard and understood, safe, understands you. And the beauty about better help is when you join, you get to choose your therapist. So you get a slew of different people that you can choose from. If you don't like it, you can click
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Y'all become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not. So again, that's BetterHelpHELP.com slash DTW for 10% off your first month. This is the time to heal my babes and what better time than what better way than with BetterHelp. It's not just women doing this to men. I'm talking men as well saying you can't have any guy friends like that's that's controlling. And requiring constant contact and
check-ins, it's not realistic. Again, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being left, insecurities. If your day is ruined because you didn't get a text from somebody, this is nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. And you know, I say this was so much love. It's not somebody cannot make your entire day go to shit because they didn't send you a hello text. They can't, it can, but it doesn't thing to do with them is my point. What's happening is there's
something's happening within your body. And I know it because like I have the same thing with trolls. Like a troll make a rude comment. I don't give a fuck of who the person is. I don't even remember their fucking face. I don't remember their name. I block them. But what sticks with me is the feeling that was evoked from that comment. It's sometimes it's hard for me to even shake it because it hits my core belief and it makes me feel shitty. That's my point is like it's not about the person.
It's about the feeling that you're getting when you don't get the text or when you don't. It has nothing to do with them. Notice the pattern. You do this all the time. It happens consistently. My mom would always say she was like it's just another one of the same guys, which is a different fucking name. Again, I've done it. I know it. So now how do you communicate your needs? Because this is huge. Like part of having expectations is also being able to understand how to communicate those
expectations. So the first thing to remember is you have to one, know what your needs and desires are. So if you're going to express these to somebody, I first need you to understand what they are. Sit with yourself. Spend some time. Journal on it. What are what are needs that I didn't get when I was a child? What are needs I haven't had met in my past relationships? What do I desire to
happen? How do I want to feel when I'm with this partner? So they did a study. I was reading this study and they had 50% of the group play the piano and learn how to play the actual piano like boom, and then they tested their brain and they showed the parts of the brain that were highlighted. Then they had 50% of people imagine themselves playing the piano. So they were taught just visually and just imagining what the feeling would feel like with the keys on your finger and hitting
it. The same parts of the brain were activated when they scanned it. And what that means is the words that we speak and when we feel something in our gut, that's literally how it becomes manifested because our brain is going, okay, this feeling is safe. This is what we're going for. I noticed a day of Intekai and I went and moved into the house. We had all these goals. We kept saying we would look, for instance, we have an extra random, a two floor house and it's this random
space that they used for an office, but we don't need that. We made it a secondary living room and we're like, this is just a waste of space. We kept getting excited. I was like, what do we really want? We want to recover a room. We got really clear. I kept feeling I was like every morning, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to red light and I'm going to have this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and sure enough, every day I started to feel it. And even when I would
reach out to brands and work with them, I kept getting no and I was like, it's fine. It's going to happen. And sure enough, guess what's being built, the recovery room. And I'm not saying this because I'm like, no, my point of sharing the story is when you really embody the feeling of what it is that you want and need, then you don't get scared when somebody says no to you, you're like, that's okay. Somebody else. So 20 red light companies saying no, led me to one person being like, we don't
work with you. Awesome. Great. I'm a huge fan of red light, Mito red light fucking obsessed. Obsessed. I do it every single morning now and I have never felt better. I'm telling you guys, when you really believe you've got to make space for something better. And it's funny because this could play into dating right before there was another brand and they were like, we're only sent to the half one and I remember telling tech I was like, but what if nobody
does this? And I remember stopping and I was like, you know what Sabrina, this is coming from fear. This isn't what you wanted. This is not the product that you said yes to. And this is unfortunately not going to work. So instead of me trying to make it work and change and be like, oh, okay, well, we just need the small. No, I was like, we need the big one. So I said no. And I walked away knowing it's okay. I'll find someone else. I promise you guys, when you really believe,
it might not happen immediately. But that's an expectation we could bet on. It's something that you really feel. So then when you understand it, I need you to start learning how to use eye statements. Hey, here's my expectations of things. I will not accept anything besides consistency, reciprocity, mutual respect. That doesn't work for you. I completely understand
that. But I wanted to clearly express to you what it is that works for me. And then listening to your partner's point of view of like, now you tell me, what are your expectations in a relationship? I'd love to hear more about what it is that you would like and need. And then find and identify areas of alignment and discord. So it's like, where do you guys pick
up what you're putting down and then where are you dropping what you're not? And then that you can unassess like, you know, if somebody, if I have an expectation of somebody of like, you know, mutual respect and they're disrespectful, it's like, well, then we don't, we don't align. You know, if somebody doesn't respect women, it's like, all right, well, this isn't going to work. Cool. And then again, and then how do we, the last step is we find reasonable compromise.
So then you come back together and you say, okay, 80 20, what's 80% I have to have in 20% I can get rid of? You know, like for a long time, I really wanted somebody I could work out with for instance. And I was like, I expect that this person's going to come to the gym with me every day. And blah, blah, that was unreasonable. Now, and then when I met tech guy and he was like, listen, I'm big in fitness,
but like, I don't, I don't want to lift and I want to do that. And I remember just being like, this isn't going to work. And I was like, you know what, 80 20, what's a compromise? And I was like, okay, well, would you be willing like once every, like maybe every month we do a class together and he was like, okay, I can commit to that. And then I have needs outside of this relationship by satisfying with friends and family like I go to workout classes with other people
and I work on on my own. And then I have things I do with my partner. So we compromised. So what's really important is we need to be able to distinguish between expectations and standards. Big fucking difference. So standards represent the qualities you need in a partner. Integrity, shared values like morals, ethos and ethics, things like that. Like that's a standard. That's why when people are like, I don't settle on standards. Like you're right. You shouldn't settle on standards.
Expectations though involve specific behavior behaviors that you anticipate from your new partner. Those are very fucking different, very, very different. And so I understand standards will help you choose a compatible partner, but expectations are what shape the day to day. So having somebody with a great moral compass and things like that, like that is compatibility. But then what is the what is the micro look like? Then expectations start to come in. So communication and communicating
clearly. Great. So like managing expectations to avoid further frustration by doing that, I clearly communicate. That is my expectation. Be very explicit and clear about what you need and expect from your partner. Don't assume they'll just know. Don't just do it like they should just know. That's just it's just not going to get you where you want to be. It's just not because then where you're not clearly communicating and you just expect that everybody should read your fucking
mind. So then the next one we have is priority prioritize appreciation. So can we also like so often we focus on like I'll get a message every day of like my partner is doing this. I can't stand in it. It's like, but what about all of the incredible amazing things that your partner is doing? Have we stopped even like look at your partner and be like, wow, that was really positive and beautiful. That was really, really lovely rather than like all of their shortcomings.
Like I love my partner and like for a long time, yeah, I would look and be like, I don't like this and I'm like this. And then I had to stop and I was like, but what are the things I do like? And that list was overwhelming because not everyone is going to satisfy every fucking need. That's like very much a harsh reality. We got to start practicing empathy as well. Understand, seek to truly understand your partner. Like honestly, do you want to know why my
relationship is so fucking amazing and healthy? Not because I'm being an asshole and boasting, but because I have so much empathy for my partner and what he's going through. Hence, I'm with I have with you guys. I'm very blunt and direct, but I hold so much fucking space because I understand other people have experiences that are not mine. And I want to be able to say, and maybe I have experienced those. And if we have no empathy, like that's I think my biggest
issue with the anxious avoidance stuff of like, no, fuck the avoidance. And it's like, but you don't even want to just understand what other people are going through. It's going to be really, really, it's going to be a really tough relationship. Here's another aspect too. Allow imperfections. No one's going to be perfect. No one is ever going to meet every expectation of yours. There are sometimes like, and there are plenty of times when tech guy doesn't and I don't either.
And you know, you can see the bummer in someone's face versus being like, gutted because like this person just like didn't meet a need or an expectation. I just, I'm big on like allowing people to be human. And it's like, we want, I'll so often people come to me and they're like, oh, I have to be perfect. And it's like, no, no, if you learned that perfect is the only way that you get love. Then that's why you expect everybody else to be
perfect. And oftentimes people also expect everyone else to be perfect because it's easier to find fault in that of like, oh, see, you did this. And it's like, yeah, because again, we're human beings and we have experiences that are a broad spectrum. Checking often, I used to do this all the time when I was dating any time I'd take a guy, I'd be like, hey, I just wanted to check in. Like, how are you feeling? What's going on? I just wanted to touch base and see, you know,
what's what's happening with you just so that they could be like, you know what? Actually, thank you for saying this feeling over whatever because sometimes people like do not feel comfortable, just add in nowhere. Like, tech guy's been saying that to me since we met. He was like, I'm not going to shy away from a conversation ever. He was like, confrontation, all that. He was like, but I'm not going to be the one to necessarily start it. This episode is sponsored by modern
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that aligns with you. You started with me. He's like, I'll have it, but a lot of people, I'm saying like avoidance manifests in different ways. Same with my sister too. Like I love my sister, she's going to be on the podcast. You guys are going to learn so fucking much from her, but she has a lot of avoidance. And for so many years, I thought she didn't care. And now that I understand it. And what's wild is when you really have an empathy and compassion for other people, you can see it.
Like when tech guy, when we went away and with his sister that was when he was going through all that stuff, I'll never forget that morning when I knew something was up and I looked at him. And I could just see he was manic. And I was like, Oh my God, if I were, if I had overlooked all of this, I would never have seen in his eyes the anxiety. And he was dodging back from forth, but he went so inward. He was, he wasn't, he even said to me, I said, how are you feeling? And he was like,
my brain hasn't fucking stopped. And I was like, man, to the other, to anybody else, they would look and be like, wow, he's so detached. He isn't give a shit. No, he was just going through so much that he was in his own internal fucking dialogue and hell. And if I hadn't seen that, like I see with my sister sometimes, you can see her eyes gloss over and I'm like, Jane, what's going on? And she's just sometimes I think people just need someone to ask, Hey, are you okay? Because you know why?
Growing up, my dad, it wasn't safe for you to just say, Hey, I feel sad. He would hit you or walk out or scream at you and the fuck is your problem? So that's where my sister learned that she can't express herself openly. And my brother and me. And so sometimes this is also what I mean about like understanding other people's experiences. Maybe they grew up in a household where it was so fucking dangerous to open your mouth. So they don't feel comfortable. But maybe they just all
their life have asked begged somebody to just ask them, how do you feel? Because they never had somebody there to say, are you okay? Compassion can go a long way because if you can be compassionate to other people, you can be compassionate to yourself. So I wanted to talk about kind of as we round this out, how to communicate these expectations. So a big thing for me is always setting a time to talk. It's not real like do not bring up expectations in the heat of an argument. Like do not
have you know, blah, blah, blah, I expected this. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, both of you guys are dysregulated. Both of you are dysregulated. You know what dysregulation looks like for people, totally different. For me, it could be lashing out and screaming and coming out. Teca, he shuts down. We are both dysregulated. You know what my brother does? My brother does something that's kind of fucked up. He does the control by staying calm. His dysregulation, he says,
no, I'm calm. I don't know what you're talking about. That's to gain control over the, so I look like I'm the loony bin going crazy. We're both dysregulated. Everybody handles it differently. So make sure it's
a space that is safe for you both to talk. I've done that. Teca has pissed me off and like, I remember we had plans and for me, I was like, yeah, I do expect that if we have fucking plans that you're going to show up or cancel them accordingly, like or reschedule, like that's not unrealistic. And I remember I was upset because he made plans without me and like it just was like, oh, whoops. And I was, I remember telling him I need to talk to you in a little bit, okay?
And I took two hours. And then when we spoke, I was able to process and then I came in using eye statements. I don't accuse people. I have never gone and said, you never make time for me. No, instead I say, I feel like I'm not a priority when you choose to watch football instead of spend time with me. That invites empathy by me showing vulnerability because if somebody was like, well, that's your fucking problem. Duce is, I will never speak to that person again. If you can't even just
communicate with me, I'm like, wow, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. That's never been my intention. And I'm so sorry you experienced that. But using eye statement is so powerful. And then like we talked about earlier, listen. If you are on the defensive, you're again dysregulated, then remove yourself and come back. Don't just wait. Don't wait for someone else to stop talking so that you can start talking. That was my experience living in LA.
Was people there? They were just waiting for you to finish so that they could start. They didn't genuinely give a fuck about what you're talking about. So like, listen, you care about your partner, you can care about what they're feeling. Just like you want someone to care about what you are feeling. And again, if that's more into you, it's okay. Then again, like if then we need to find common ground remain flexible. Like this isn't about it's my way or no way. It's like if you're that rigid,
you're not mine. You're not growth minded then. So we have to stay a little flexible. Oh, all right. You know, like even when you the football thing, my burner just wants to watch and I was like, okay, so we can you can watch it on your phone. I was like, if we have stuff to do, like you can not just stay home for 15 hours every Sunday for six months and watch TV. And I told him I was like, because
if we have kids, this is not the household I'm doing. I'm not going to have these kids be like, well, dead as football today. Fuck no. And we compromised. And he was like, you know what, you're right. He was like, I don't want to turn into that. Like I want to be more present. He was like, shit, I didn't even realize like you're right for, you know, we have two weekend days and one of them all day from 10 AM
until seven or eight PM is fucking football. We compromised. I remained flexible because you know, why I focused on the fact that we are a partnership. It wasn't me versus him. It's not me against him. It's us together. So when we communicate and I communicate needs and express myself, we are a partnership. And you know what we also do? We keep fucking communicating. If you think you just need to say it's just wants to somebody and then they don't do it so that you're to you don't have
to repeat yourself. If it's every three weeks, you're having the same conversation of like, hey, you said you were going to put more effort in and you didn't. It's like, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is like there's going to be a lot of things that are going to piss you off. And if you expect people to always be perfect, well, then you're not constantly communicating and staying flexible with these people. Growth can happen when you allow space for growth to
fucking happen for you and for them. And you guys remember, you could try your best, but there's going to be times when your expectations go on met. It's going to happen. So if you're feeling like sad or disappointed or frustrated, here's some tips on how to handle that. So we're back to it. Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, tell them, hey, here's what this on met expectation
meant to me. So like when I had that with tech guy where I was like, I expected that when we had plans that you were going to communicate with me and it made me feel like I wasn't a priority to you when I didn't appreciate that. And he was like, wow, I can totally see how you listen or I can totally see how you feel because he listened to me fully to understand and back back back back and forth. And this is also do if somebody comes to you with that. Take responsibility. What was your
part? If your part was, yeah, I didn't communicate. I didn't tell you. I had an expectation that I didn't tell it's not digging your heels in the sand to be like, oh, no, if I'm not right, then you can go fuck yourself. It's like, we're just setting ourselves up for a lot of loneliness if we do shit like that. Compromise, is there a middle ground? It's not settled, we listen, settle down, there's a fucking terminology, but compromise is important. You don't just settle for what
somebody else wants, but you can compromise me like, okay, I can do that. Talk to your friends, talk to a fucking therapist, go to a coach, go to talk to somebody outside of your own fucking echo chamber. Your brain is designed to help keep you safe. It's not going to come up with new thought processes. You're not going to be able to expand your consciousness and your thoughts unless you're challenged to do so. And also start to feel them in your body. It's not about
intellectualizing. And then like, make peace, forgive, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and then adjust your expectations. Like, if your expectations are consistently not met, it's like, then maybe we need to be like, all right, what's coming up for me? What's happening? Do I keep expecting that my partner, like, I'd somebody say, do I need to say anything for
Valentine's Day or can I just expect that my partner is going to get me flowers? And I was like, you're setting yourself up for failure because this poor guy or girl or they has no idea what you're expecting them to do. And you've never communicated that Valentine's Day means something. That happened with me and tech. I didn't expect that. I talked to him. I was like, so what are we
doing for Valentine's Day? And he was like, nothing, I don't care about it. Could you imagine if I didn't have a conversation with him and I just expected then I would have been like, he didn't do a thing. What a fucking asshole. It would just, that would have been me having an unrealistic expectation that I didn't communicate with him about. If I want somebody to buy me flowers, I can't just guess that they're going to, they shouldn't have to guess that. How are they going
to know that you want flowers? Not everybody is a romantic in the same way. Sorry, you watched way too many fucking rom-coms. We can't just expect people. I've told him that. I'm like, I love surprises. And he's like, I don't. I'm like, all right, fair. But we compromise. He'll go, like I always notice he's so cute. There's a bakery I fucking love and he knows it. But the funny thing is he doesn't realize that every time he surprises me, he puts my phone number in to get
the points. I get a text that says, thank you for getting something from the car like from the Danish bakery. And it's like a bakery we drive. We let go to it. This is like our trip to go to it. So it's like whenever I know that he's, you know, there's something. And that's his way of like surprising me. He hates doing that. Like not, he doesn't hate doing that. Like he hates surprises. Like he doesn't like to do all like, he'll never show up at your house unattended or unannounced.
Like it's just not his thing. But to me, I'm like, wow, if I didn't have empathy and understanding for someone, I would be like, well, that's not enough. I can't believe I had to tell you. It's like, I didn't have to tell him. I didn't have to tell him last week I wanted that he came home and he walked in with a cupcake. And I was like, you are the cutest walking thing. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me. Because he knows exactly what I like. And I because I've communicated that
that's how we're healthy. That's how we're healthy and happy. And if it's if you're communicating and somebody is not able to satisfy your needs, it's okay. Are they able to satisfy some of them? Are you fulfilled in this relationship or not? Then maybe it's time to walk away. Only you can make these determinations. Are you fulfilled? But the biggest thing like you can overcome all of this stuff. But you need empathy, humility and open communication. That's how you'll
have intimacy. That's how you'll have a deep, real fucking connection. I was like, my friend and I were talking on our podcast yesterday about Krakpot versus microwave relationships. It's true. People want this quick. Quick. Throw it in the microwave. 30 seconds. You'll have a full meal. And you're like, yeah, but it's not outside. It's like, you open, you know, and peel the layer and you're like, you're poking with your fork. I guess this looks good, right? Yeah. Look shiny. And then you go in
and you're like, it's fucking cold on the inside. It's hollow. There's nothing there. So it's like that immediacy. Yeah, you get disappointed versus the Krakpot. It takes time. It develops flavor. Then re richness. A depth. And when you have it, you're like, whoa, that was worth that 12 hours that it's simmered. My God, what a beautiful chili versus the frozen shit that you bought that on the outside looks okay. And then you dig in and it's fucking hollow and frozen in the middle.
You can absolutely work through all of this shit, but it takes time. It takes patience. It takes compassion. It takes being good to yourself. That's the number one thing. So guys, I hope that this was beneficial for you. I hope that you guys were able to learn from this. And I hope that I was able to clear clear around some things around expectations, standards, boundaries, adiata and how to communicate that. So guys, I love doing this with you and I love being here for
you. So thank you for allowing me to guide. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for rating it. And thank you for speaking kindly to other people. And if you don't, that's okay. You'll just get blocked. That's fine. See what I mean. We don't try to change other people. We just remove things from our lives that just don't serve us. Sometimes it really is that simple. So without further ado, guys, I love you. Thank you again. Thank you for everything.
And until next time, can't wait to continue doing the work with you guys.