Watch TV With Ron Burgundy

episode and as always by my side. Carolina, if you need a picture, let me paint it for you. She's slovenly dressed in something like a potato sack, with dirty sneakers and hair that looks like she was stuck somewhere for a long time, maybe in someone's miscellaneous drawer. Would you say that that's an accurate depiction of you, Carolina, Yes, that's just about perfect. Great. Word painting is an art form unto itself, and I consider myself a master of

the art. Carolina. Do me a favorite point to something, anything in this room, and I will describe it with a word painting. Um, okay um, what about that thing over there? That? Yeah, it's a it's a wall outlet. Okay, should we get on with the show? Podcast? It's called a podcast. You know what. I don't know what happened yesterday. I said the word parton and the word cast and it didn't sound right. It was a It was a bit unsettling. No, I know. You ran out of here.

You took my car and then you just left. I did, Yes, I ran out of the studio and straight to your caprius. I drove about a half mile down the road and parked in a home depot parking lot. And guess what I did. I went to sleep. Yeah, I spent the whole night in that parking lot. Speaking of word paintings, let me let me paint a picture of what goes on in a parking lot here in Los Angeles at night. First,

the raccoons and smaller varmints come out. They roam the gray surface for trashy food, of which there is plenty. And then the larger animals coyote and mountain lion make their way onto the barren cement grazing grounds. Fashion show, that's the energy they bring. Yes, the squeals and howls are enough to raise the dead, as animals are eaten and gnashed about. And then as the night lingers, men and women appear, ghoulish looking men and women wander aimlessly

like zombies in a post apocalyptic world. I was jolted out of my slumber several times by the wrap of dry, dirty knuckles on my window, and a woman coughed a live rat onto the windshield. Yes, so it wasn't until three or four in the morning that I was compelled to join those that had gathered. So I left the safety of your car, Carolina, and I went to share

some wine with a group of vagabonds. They were a gay and delightful bunch of revelers who at first thought I was the fuzz and I said, chill, Chill, everyone, chill. But as we drank and I provided more bottles of wine from the trunk of your car, we all became fast friends. A small fire was built and songs were sung. For food, we cooked a raccoon the size of a pig, and then the night gave away to the dawn and

the bitter reminder that the world was unfair. But for a fleeting moment, humanity held together in that parking lot under the street lamps in a city known for its cruelty. Anyway, that's how I spent my night, Carolina. What what did you do make a a TikTok video where you're dancing with your cat? No? Yeah, okay? Should we start in on this very special episode that I could barely contain my excitement over. Yes, I mean, um, she's waiting on hold. She is first Lady Jill Biden. We've got Jill and

it's gonna be a hell of an interview. I am beyond excited. What what a literal coup for the Ron Burgundy podcast. Should we just get started? I know she's been on hold for a minute, which is like so

insane by all means. So here's the Delia. We usually do a little patter right between us before we get started, but in this case, I think it's it's only appropriate that we just dive right in exactly, and she's on hold, So, I mean, the only bit of business I would like to finish off before we get going with this groundbreaking interview is I just would like to establish what I'm going to watch on TV tonight. Great, maybe just decide that tonight. Nope, I promised myself I would I would

get this in the books. I want to know exactly what I'm watching when I walk through that door, so there's no time wasted searching. You know, I want to eat my food while I'm watching Chicago Mad. I don't want to eat my food while trying to find an EPP of Chicago Mad episode. But you know, I just think everyone can can sympathize with that. So let let me just make a decision, right, and then on with call with First Lady. Okay, okay, Well have you decided

what to watch? Because the First Lady's communications director is texting me and she says that she only has Well, it's it's between the Avengers Age of Ultron or sure. I mean I saw the Avengers Age of Ultron in the theaters fourteen times, so that's something to consider. However, Bridgeton is a series, and it's it's a bit of a commitment. I don't figure you for regency dramas, Are

you crazy? I love the regency period. I've oft dreamt of owning a sprawling estate in the English countryside, where I would give chase to foxes and throw elaborate parties and I would be considered a loure Lord ron Burgundy It's not as crazy as it sounds like. I have honorary degrees. You know, I just didn't figure you for like a Jane Austen kind of guy. Jane Austen is my favorite author, hands down. Well, no, Robert Ludlam is

my favorite author. Then Peter Benchley who wrote Jaws of Course, then E. L. James, who famously penned the excellently written Fifty Shades of Gray. But Austin is up there. Okay, name one of Jane Austen's books, Easy, this Land of Mine? Or how about Duty Before Shame? Huh No, those aren't Those aren't Jane Austen books, they're not. Okay, Well what about the Third Woman, Pride before Dawn? Actually closer? But now the Golden Onion Situation, The Golden Onion Situation by

Jane Austen, Yes, final answer, no, damn it. Well, she's one of my favorite authors. So so I might watch Britain, which she wrote, Or I could watch mind Hunter, which I hear is a real satisfying watch with great characters and some heart pounding moments. Maybe I'll watch that. How many episodes of Mine Hunter are there? I don't know, I mean maybe I'm just guessing that's twentys of television. I can't do that tonight. I need something light and breezy.

Check in on the first lady, would you make sure she's still there and tell her she'll she'll be right up in one second. Yeah, but she's going to run out of time. I mean, she has a really tight schedule. We need to just something light and breezy. Oh, I know, how about this Carolina. Maybe the marvelous Mrs Mazel. That sounds light and breezy. I like saying it to the marvelous Mrs Maizel. You know who's in that. It's Rachel Brasnie.

She's the pest keeper's instant, Mrs Maizel, marvelous. I could watch that, I mean, not tonight, just I just don't feel like it's too silly. Should we just table this for later? No? No, this is important. This is important. We need to get this done so I don't waste time trying to decide tonight. You know what I wish? I wish there was a show called petro Check and the Lady about a tough, street wise X cop named Robert petroc Check and his crime solving partner, a real

blue blooded lady in the style of say Samantha Edgar. H. I don't know who's that? What the what's going on here? Is this some alternate universe where humans speak another language? Am I in a zoo? Are there apes running the planet? Now? I'm talking about Samantha Eggar. It's not that complicated. I'm not rattling off the different compound medals that go into making a stealth bomber. It's Samantha Eggar, for sakes. She's

an actress. She's known throughout the world. And yes, she's too old to play the part of the lady in petro Check and the Lady. But I was merely using her as a prototype, a Samantha Egger type. Holy Holy, We can move on from this. The end of the world is not imminent because grown men wear sneakers into bank buildings. It's because people like you, Carolina can only

think of yourself. I say, go back, understand your history, pay homage to Samantha Eggar, take time to dress in the morning, gargole, learn grooming habits, work with animals when you can, and when the sun is shining, know that it shines for everyone and not just for you. My name is run Burgundy. Anyway, I have a special guest waiting on the phone. She is one of the most beloved women in the land, our first lady. Okay, great, So you want me to connecting? Of course, why wouldn't you, Carolina,

it's the first lady. No, no, I know, just you didn't pick a show and to watch tonight. But it's sweet Crimson Tide. I did not. Okay, keep her on hold? What is out there? What's what's hot? What? What are you watching? Carolina? Um, I'm watching this show, The Wild. Let me guess. The Wild is a show about a young lawyer named Peter dan four who opens a law practice deep in the heart of the Amazon Forest. Am I close? It's about teenage girls stranded on an island.

Is there a character named Peter dan four? Damn it so close? Okay, well, I'm not watching a show about teenage girls without a Peter dan fourth character. So it's back to the drawing board. There's no escaping the paralysis of indecision. It's so much worse than Hamlet's dilemma in the play Hamlet. Is that on Netflix. No, there's no pain on this planet equal to not being able to decide what to watch. I have suffered gunshot wounds and

knife stabbings, slaps in the face by heartbroken women. I've been run through with the sword of an Egyptian prince. I was dragged through the dirt by a horse for six hours. Sharks have bitten me, elephants have trampled my body. But the existential dread I feel staring at my TV each night, with so many choices and no way to choose, is far greater than any pain I've felt. So what's it going to be, Carolina? What show will solve my dilemma? I need something fresh and smart and snappy and sexy

and cool and yummy. Cha cha cha ah. Did you ever see Stranger Things? I've seen strange things like a pair of underwear that wrestles turtles. Assume that what you're talking about. No, No, there was a hit show on Netflix and everyone watched it. It's called Stranger Things and it's actually a lot of fun. Oh okay, Well what's it about? Um? Some kids who are into playing dungeons and Dragons and then they discover another dimension Drake one

two and three kids games Dimension Next. Yeah, you know what, let's just connect her. Now stop throwing that basic fodder at me, little ce Ron. We talked about that. I am so sorry as soon loon as it left my lips. Yeah, I had instant regret because the hr yes please accept talked about that. My sincereus apology for those words. Legally, it's a problem understood, Okay, thank you. No, I have chills right now. I'm just glad that we talked about it, luckily,

so we can. I feel great turn the page. You are a patient, lovely human being. I just you know, I lead with my heart and not with my it a lot of times. Yeah, it's passion. It's a passion problem. This is what I was really trying. I want something fresh and sexy, you know, like like too cold water salmon doing it on a wet rock. I'm going to therapy or no, okay, I want something fresh and sexy, like snow white going down on a loaf of bread.

Still off. I really don't like that, Okay. I want something fresh and sexy, like driving nude around town in a new Chevy Impala. You get that idea. It's actually not the worst thing you've said today. Okay, good, let's leave it at that. Imagery what what about Shark Tank? Is that is that a show I might like? Yeah? Maybe is it about sharks living in tanks? What about The Bachelor? I've heard a lot about The Bachelor. That

could be my new show. Tell me about the Bachelor? Um, well, it's a show where they find some bachelor and they surround him with like twenty women that he can choose to marry, and then they make it like a game, I think, and each week he gets rid of one of the women. Oh how he murders them? No, my guess is that they're just told to go home. And and this is a popular show. Yeah, there's like seasons.

I'm sorry, Carolina, ate too much fiber this morning. Did you say there were twenty five seasons of The Bachelor? Holy Mother of Earth? There are twenty five seasons of a guy finding a wife from a pool of women chosen for him by a network in a and a show like Studio sixty is only on for one season. I'll tell you what this is, futile. Let's play a game. You say the name of a show and I'll guess what it's about. If I get it right, then that's

what I'm going to watch tonight. Okay, great, let's do it, um, And you just want the title, only the title, and if I nail it, I'll watch it. Okay. How about The Handmaid's Tale British spy draw set in the eighteen forties in the seaside town of Brighton, Um, A young woman, a handmaid, is discovered wandering the beach without any memory of how she got there. Her tail unfolds, um, and that wasn't wasn't close. Let's do Grace and Frankie love it? Okay.

Two dogs named Grace and Frankie stir up trouble in a small Alabama town, stealing hot dogs and knocking over stuff. The theme song is sung in barks wonderful, I shall watch that. Dogs make me laugh and I love little little snapshots of folksy hometown life. That's the one, no it actually? It stars Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. Well then why did they give them dog names? Damn it? These are too hard. You're you're trying to stop me. Give me an easy one. Okay. Love Island, Oh, thank

you one. I know each week we are treated to new arrived is looking for love on a magical island. Will they find it? Or will they find out something about themselves? Only the caretaker of the island and his short friend Tattoo know the truth. Special guests include Barbara Eden, Peter Lawford, Linda Carter, Television's Wonder Woman, and Dr Jay. You're describing fantasy Island, So I was this Love Island? Is not fantasy Island? Is it a mix between the

love Boat and fantasy Island? And does it take place on a boat? Okay, here's one. The masked singer duh okay. Eighteenth century French lover and thief Pierre Gordeaux, also known as the Mass Singer, romances his way through many body escapades with beautiful Parisian women, are keeping his eye on the prize, the Crown Jewels. It's the born identity meets the Three Musketeers. I love it. It's right up my alley. Sword battles, costumes and women in tight dresses. The Mass Singer.

It's a in competition. You inks that a lot of people were enraged when they turned that on and didn't see sword fighting. Look into that. I don't know how you're going to look into that, but let's look at me. We'll try. Okay, give me another one. I feel like I'm getting more intuitive. Um, what about the undoing? No idea past? You're not going to try? Okay, what about shameless? Oh? The Donald Trump story? Wonderful? I told a joke. Um, yes, good, good joke. This is US sci fi crap about aliens.

Give me a break next. I believe this one is a comedy about a family that lives on a boat way out at sea, Homeland. I'd watch that. That's about pilgrims making to the shores of Virginia. You're not good at this, ron, No, I know what I'm doing. You're not good at it. I mean, that's what's happening. I'm just reading titles of TV shows so you can guess what they are about. How am I not good at that? You need to put a little clue into how you

read them. You know, for instance, the Mass Singer, you could have sung that one, then then I would have known it was about singing, and I would have guessed a musical contest for sure, or maybe a musical about a swashbuckling rogue named Pierre Gordeaux, which, by the way, someone should make that one. Anyway, try putting something into it. When you give me a title. Okay, okay, okay, I'm ready. Um Paky Blind does mate, No boy, Carolina, that was amazing,

Do it again, Pakey Blind. The wonderful, just wonderful and simple. So you made it easy. It's an Australian baking show where everyone is blindfolded but can peak from time to time at the competition. Yes, no, shouldn't you just pick something and we can get onto our call with the first lady. She's been on holds for this whole time. If she's even there, Oh my god? Why? I I mean, I'm having fun with our guessing game, young lady. Life throws fun at you. Don't run from the fun funds

not consistent like the Sun funds, not the sun. Fun is hard one. So when fun comes, a ton of fun or just one fun, you gotta let it run. Okay, I got it. Okay, give me another one. It's fun. Okay. It's a movie called Molly's Game. Okay. I believe this is about a woman who invents a game like part Cheesy, but the patriarchy won't allow her to profit from it, and that's when she takes matters into her own hand, ends and takes no prisoners. Adult themes and nudity. Don't

forget your clues when saying the title. Um, okay, his dark materials, his dark material, dark material, his dark material. Oh I know, I got it. A loser kid works in a photo lab and discovers a murder with his best friend, a video gamer probably named Max Kelly. They set out to capture the killer while being their normal slacker selves. How did you get that? I was doing a British accent and I tried to make it sound serious. Well that one was too hard anyway. I gotta get

one of these eventually. Okay, what about this the NBA on TNT people blowing up basketball players? Why would they do that? No, you're not good at this? Uh sports Center. It's a great, down and dirty show about the pain of addiction, and it's toll on families. I'm way off now. It's it's getting harder. I mean, I'm losing focus, Like I gotta figure out what I'm what I'm watching, and I just I just gotta. I can't go home unless I know, and decision is killing me. One more, please

but hold on. Let me Let me offer a prayer for my common book of prayer written by me run Burgundy. Let us pray, Please, God, let me decide on a show. Show your heavenly mercy on me, for I am brought low before you, and beseech thee to give unto me the name of a program that will calm the waters of my soul. Okay, one more. If I don't get it, I'm quitting this world. I'll shed my clothes and take to the hills for the life of a hermit, living off nuts and berries and rodents. Go Okay, Last one

Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Okay, here goes. After an unusual event, a whip smart computer coder Zoe Clark Yes magically begins to hear people's innermost wants and desires through popular songs, and suddenly strangers, friends, co workers, and family are unknowingly seeing their feelings just to her. Holy Yes, you got it. I did. Yes, It's over. The torture is over. What a release. I'm watching Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist tonight.

I can hardly wait. It's It's my new show, Carolina. I love it. I simply adore it. I will watch it every night if I can the same episode over and over I found it the show I want to watch. I was I was this close to eating small rodents, and I was seriously seriously going to fire you this close? Should we just should we see if the first Lady is still on the line. It's almost too embarrassing how long it took me to pick a show? Um, Why don't you lie and say I was attacked this morning

by spider monkeys? Wait? No, tell her, Um, tell her I have to emergency coach the Denver Nuggets? Which one do you think she would buy? Either? Ron, You're right, I should just face up to it like a man and tell her the truth. I'm in love with her. Gosh, darn it, what you're in love with the first Lady? Jill Biden? This is too much. It is too much. I'm a married man, but that doesn't stop me from falling head over heels in love. Should I love my wife?

I happened to love the first Lady too. Maybe maybe just tell her I've fallen and hit my head and we'll have to have her on another show. I'm just I'm simply too nervous to talk to her. So you not being able to decide on a show was just avoiding talking to the first lady because you are in love with her. Yes, I mean, what do you want me to say? Yes? Yes, then you know what you're

gonna watch tonight? Of course I'll catch up on the Good Doctor and then get under the covers with an old episode of Colombo or McMillan and Wife like I do every night. What what are you going to watch tonight? Um? I don't know. Maybe I'll just read a book. Wonderful, wonderful, just wonderful. My name is Ron Burgundy. This has been an illuminating podcast. Take time to think about it, tell your friends and stay Glassie