Ron’s Haunted Garage

been under construction. In fact, it has been turned into a crime scene. While repairing, some insulation workers discovered a human skull inside one of the walls. And as I know from experience, any time you discover human remains, you must call the authorities, no exceptions. No matter how tempted you may be to collect human bones, whether they be found in an antique trunk or storage unit, tour out on a hike, you have to call the police or

at least the rangers station. Do not, under any circumstances hold on to a skull that you've found because you think you would make a cool paper weight in your study. I mean, think about it, that was someone's head for Cripe's sake. Anyway, since the studio has been closed, we have been recording the podcast from my living room, which has been fine outside the fact that the crew eats every thing in my fridge and never, I repeat never

flushes the damn toilet. It's disgusting. Well, today we are having to record this show for my garage because my living room flooded last night. Ah yes, I forgot to turn off the bathtub again. So I just want to alert you the listener that we have a location change. However, this will not affect the quality of the broadcast in any way. Thank you for indulging me with that extensive explanation, But I I feel I owe it to you to display the utmost integrity about every facet of the broadcast run.

Why are you whispering? Well, I'm not whispering. I'm using what's referred to in the theater as a stage whisper. It is a more projected whisper. Whatever. Why are you doing it? We're why are you stage whispering? I'm just trying to protect my my vocal cords since they are they're currently inflamed. Yes, yes, I haven't flamed vocal cords. You haven't flamed vocal cords. Yes, I haven't flamed vocal cords.

They are they are fully inflamed. I had had too much verde sauce on my carnitas burrito last night and it burned my my vocal cords, and it gave me laryen genitus. Okay, I don't believe you wrong. We spoke this morning and your voice was fine. No, trust me, it's bad laryn genitus. I think your voice is fine. M m hm. Oh okay, fine, you got me, You got me. No, I don't. I don't have laryon jenitis. Um. Okay. Well, the reason why I was whispering is because my garage

where we are broadcasting from right now is haunted. My garage is haunted, and I was whispering because I'm afraid of waking ghosts. There, I said it, what a relief is really haunted? Absolutely haunted. I have I have seen things that will make your head spin. And why we had to do today's show at midnight is beyond me. Well, we moved the show till later because you said you couldn't sleep last night and didn't get up until three pm.

I didn't sleep because I was worried, sick about the fact that we were going to record the show in my haunted garage. Why didn't you just say you didn't want to record in the garage because no one would believe me if I told them that the garage was haunted. Okay, well you could have just left that out and said the garage was too messy or something. Hold on, hold on one second garroline. Right, of course, on my street,

my trash removal is midnight. I really can't think of a worse place or time to We've lobbied the city and I don't know how many petitions we've put in front of their fat faces. They won't listen to the taxpayer. So many trash cans on it's just cruel to the garbage. And of course our street we still have old metal trash cans. We don't have the plastic one, so they make That's why it's so. It's making so much noise. It's so much and the diesel smell it comes right

through that door. I'm just gonna breathe. Yeah, okay, Nick, are we good now? Are you still hearing the trash? Uh? No, I think we're anything and we would have recorded somewhere else. I wasn't thinking. Let's just do the show and I'm sure it'll be fine. Okay, fine, Yeah, as long as the ice jackal doesn't show, we'll be fine. Never mind, okay, all right. When we think of the military, there is one issue that I feel is a non issue. You guessed it. I'm talking guys in the military. Why it

comes up year after year is exhausted. Pay no attention, Caroline, Let's just keep doing the show. You didn't hear that I'm going to spank your fanny and make your girlfriend watch. You will do no such thing. You leave us alone. Did you not hear that I'm not hearing anything? Is Are you hearing a ghost? Yes? And frankly, it's chilling. I'm glad you can't hear what the spirit is saying. Oh my god. All we can do is continue um as I was saying. The military is one of are

more evolved institution. And when it comes to race and gender accord, my baby, the military is working for the first baby with putting women in combat rules. My baby. No, I'm not my baby. I am not what's going on? Yes you are, you're my baby. I am not your baby. Stop. It is the ghost saying that you're its baby. Yes, and it's chilling. I'm going to put a diaper on you and you're in a suck on my nipple. No, I won't long. I won't do it, especially not all

night long. I'm going to push you around in a stroller and everyone's going to compliment you on how big and plump you are. No, I won't cooperate. I won't ride in a stroller. Okay. Is the ghost going to push you around a stroller? Now? Yes, but I won't do it. You're my baby boy. I'm going to take you on a slide, and you're going to go we never. I won't enjoy the slide. Run. If we just ignore it, maybe it'll just go away. Caroline, you have no idea.

He's telling me that he's going to push me around in a stroller and then I guess take me to a park because he's going to he's going to take me on a slide. Well, these all sound like really nice things to do, and I'm gonna go we Maybe that's a fun activity. But I'm not a baby. Well, of course not. But I mean, I don't know. Chill is it wants to put me on a slide and let me Is that the worst thing that could happen. It's not like he's trying to kill you or anything.

Maybe he just wants to have a fun day at the park. That keeps asking me if I'm his baby over and over again. It's hard. I mean, I've never dealt with a situation like this before. And you can't hear him honestly, No, I need the creepiest high pitch voice. Why did we do this at midnight? Well? I wish you had woken up earlier than three pm, I know, because I couldn't. I didn't get enough sleep. I slept

until three. We just shouldn't have done it today. It's also just shag carpet and mostly pictures of you and my laverning Shirley pinball machine corner, Yeah, which is priceless. It's intense. Everyone in the crew keeps asking me how much I want for it. I'm like, there's no price. You can't name a price. They don't make those things anymore. Yeah, Penny Marshall and the other lady. Yeah, alright, so if

we just ignore it, it don't just go away. Yeah, just sort of like ignoring a bully at cool you know sticks and stones? All right, let's ignore it. Are you my baby? Why do you keep asking me if i'm your bay be? Do you like trucks? Of course I like trucks. Does baby like trucks? I like trucks. But I'm not your baby. No, baby did not go poo poo? So you are my baby? Stop it? Do I need to change your pants in public? You will not change my pants in public. I'm so proud of you, baby,

I'm not your baby. What does baby want to be when he grows up? Baby wants to be a fireman? Won't you say that you're my baby? No? Just say that you're my baby, and I promise I won't send the ice jackle. Please don't send the ice jackal. Is he sending an ice jackole? Not if he says that he's my baby, just say her on. Wait wait, you can hear the ghosts now. I honestly could hear it the whole time. I just wanted to see how it would play out. Here comes the ice jam No, no, no, no, okay, okay, okay,

I'm your baby. There I said it. I knew you're my baby. No, no, the ice JACKO. Look over there by my Laverne and Shirley bit ball machine. You said you wouldn't send him run the guys, JACKO step and nothing. There's no talis but to defeat this green jack. Don't look into his eyes. The ice jackle everyone out. Never went out quick. Let's take a break. Now, let's take a break out, take a break. Hey guys, Um, we're back for the Ron Burgundy podcast. It's just me and

um Nick and Miles of the crew. Ron ran out of the room, so we're just looking through um the house for him. Right now, we're in his reck room. Of just to describe, it's a poster of ferret faucet and ryal ties on the wall. It's Harry Games set up, mostly a lot of animal hides. Um, some knives thrown into the wall. Uh. Sign that says no girls allowed, which is really mature. Um yeah, Maxim top one list ripped out with X's next some names. Ron. I just

this is a really unprofessional episode, and I apologize for that. Okay, let's go to this bedroom. This is a place I promised my therapist I would never go. Um Hi backster Um. Okay, we're looking at a four poster bed mostly fors some erotic Japanese art on the wall, a mirror on the ceiling. Um inexplicably, there's a leather horse saddle on the floor of his room. Let's just walk past that. We don't really need to investigate. Um ron, m is that backster ron?

So okay, I think we got him. Run Hey, buddy hates everyone? Ah, just you look pretty in it right now? Yes, your house is beautiful. Did you did you captured in the with the golden net of invincibility? Yes? Thank god I kept that. Oh, we'll have to h We'll have to have some of the guys run down to the market and buy a couple of pounds of garlic. We'll have to boil that to the sunrise. Is fill be our only protective tellisman, Okay, we can do that. We can.

We'll send up. Sorry, I'm in my underwear. That's okay. Well this has happened, and this happens to many people. Maybe we just get dressed. I'm gonna pull some clothes. Oh no, we have we have some the whole cruise here. Okay, all right, okay, um, you know what, let's just go. Um, let's leave him he's taking a shower now, so let's go to the bedroom to record the rest of the episode. Let's just take another break and welcome back to the

Ron Burgundy Podcast. To those of you that are still listening and haven't completely turn this off because it was so frightening. This is This is Ron Burgundy, and approximately one hour ago, myself, Carolina, and our crew barely escaped from my garage to the guest room in our haste to save ourselves from the ice jackal. I received a gash above my right eye, but that is nothing compared to what could have happened if we had stayed in that forsaken room. I mean, we just walked out of

the room. You're the one who ran to the side of the door. You people foolishly strolled out of the room. We had equipment and stuff. Well, don't worry, because we don't have to worry about that room ever again. Tomorrow morning, I will commence having my garage permanently sealed off from the outside world. I will have its cemented end, because no one should have to live through that again. You're just going to fill the garage of fillingful of cement, So no one, no one, can go in there again

and experience that awful, awful demon. It'll be I don't know how long before I will be rid of the images of that crazy jackal caked in blood and ice. Yet some of us will be burdened for a lifetime. I mean not some of us. I never saw it or heard it. No one saw anything. No, it was just a weird girl. But you felt it. No, you felt a cool presence. No, it's actually warm in there, because there's no it was an eight foot ice jackal. Okay, Ron,

I mean, no one saw anything. Denial is a much easier path to take when you've witness something beyond recognition, something your soul will never process. All right, Well, maybe let's go to the fact check. Eight foot ice jackal. Maybe no one saw it. We can't really address that in the fact check, but um, okay, So for our fact check today, we did pretty well. Um, you had you had laryngitis, by the way, under the circumstances, I don't see why you're putting me through a fact check.

I just like to keep the podcast on track as we can. There's been still shaking. Legal is really on us, all right, Um, laryngitis, you said, we had laryen laryng genitis. It's laryngitis, which you didn't have, which we talked about. No, I didn't have it right, But when you do, you'll know it's laryngitis if you do. I'm pretty sure there is another condition called laryng genitis, though, and that may be more of a like a psiriasis. Okay, I don't

think the psoriasis of the vocal cords laryng genitius. I don't even know what that would look like. But no, you'd have to do a probe inside your throat. I don't okay to do that. A jackal is usually from a dry climate. Well, I know what I saw. It was a jackal. It was an ice jackal. It was caked in ice and blood. And it wasn't a bobcat. It wasn't a big game cat, wasn't a bear, it wasn't a hyaena. It was a jackal. Um. Cindy Williams is the other is surely correct. She's wonderful. She was

my favorite. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you have that pinball machine. How much did that run you? Well? I bought it retail. Okay, good to know. I hope you'd get that out of the garage. Well, it's gonna be sealed off, so that'll be that will be just a tomb I'm sealing my car in there as well. You should just take all this. I don't want to go back in there. I'll give you the keys. Would you mind backing it out? No problem,

thank you. Oh and then you wanted to keep our subject today was supposed to be guys, guys in the military, in the military, which is once it's kind of a stupefying why it'sn't even an issue. I mean, you know, guys have been in the military since the beginning, and why people get so up in arms? Did you is this the type of was this supposed to be gays in the military? Yeah, that's the confusion. Okay, in the

military for a really long time. Yes, And that's why I was just like, okay, well I'm happy to talk about it, you know me, I want to tackle you hard hitting topics. Yeah, you've always been I don't shy away from any of that stuff. And okay, so gays in the middle, bays in the military, maybe for another episode maybe. Well, Yeah, we're a little emotionally depleted over here for now because guys in the military no big deal. Yeah, they're already in the military, but gays in the military

is still a big issue. Well yeah, I mean don't ask, don't tell. That was repealed by the Obama administration, so now you can say it. Yeah, great, Is this in dated topic a little bit? It sounds like it's a dated topic. We should take let's take that off the big dry erase board. Okay, and maybe the episode where you encourage women to vote for the first time, that can go off too, because we've had that, right, because we've had okay, yeah, no, I know that. Okay, great,

of course I know that. Yeah, no modern human being. Here are my final thoughts. Whether you've seen a ghost or I had to admit to a ghost that you are the ghost. Baby, There's only one thing that matters in life, and that's that no one is going to stop to wipe your act. You're just going to have to wipe your own with a smile. This is Ron Burgundy saying, no one, and I repeat no one puts ice Jackal in the corner. Thank you for listening. I'm

Ron Burgundy, Ron Burgundy Podcast. Someone must have seen that. Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of the Ron Burgundy Podcast. On the Next Ron Burgundy Podcast, the note you're handing me says, today's topic is poetry. No no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope nope. This is actually exciting. You got Mr Peter Dinklage. Yes, he's showing some personal poetry actually, So okay, Ron, let's just leave, let's hear the rest of the poem, and

let's just leave the sound machine a sound machine. Okay, Yeah, I thought with the hello, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, you know what, I just imagine what the poetry of it all, it was more NPR than yeah, no exactly, you know anything. That was the vibe that we're going to go for today. So I think we're just gonna unplug the machine for a second. It's totally unplugged. I've taken it off, put it,

put it away. The wild be reels from bow to bow with his furry coat and his goody wing, now in the lily cup and now betting it's just sin Carolina. I am not gonna say I told you so, but this poetry episode was never Gonna work out. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio podcast Network and Funnier Die. I'm Ron Burgundy. I'm the host, writer and executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host,

writer and producer. The show was also produced by Whitney Hodeck, Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, and Nick step Our executive producer is Mike Farren. Our consulting producer is Andrew Steve. Our associate producer is Anna Hosnier. Our writer is Jake Fogos. Our production supervisor is Colin McDougall. This episode was engineered, mixed, and edited by Nick Stump. See you next Thursday on The Ron Burgundy Podcast