Ron Burgundy's Guide to Camping

a new I don't know. It's kind of a a little superstitious. I'm like a ball player, you know that way where hey, if it ain't broke, it is, it's just runs slow, that's it. Because I'm afraid they're gonna take a look underneath the hood, so to speak, and replace it with Chinese parts or something. I don't know. Regardless, we're here, we're queer. Get used right, which is a classic classics saying from the revolutionary wartimes. Um, I'd like to open up the old mail bag and pick out

some letters from our fans. We have a mail bag? Did someone give us I didn't know that we have one? Hello, Carolina, Back from the beach. Yes, we have a mail bag. Of course, we have a mail bag. We've always had a mail bag. This is a real podcast, you know. I get a lot of letters about all kinds of subjects,

furniture repair, dog grooming, skincare, book binding, chemistry. I've been asked how to pick combination locks, how to make your own lumber mill, how to make love as a popular a question of course, and how to be classy, just to name a few. So I try and respond to every letter I get with at least ten to fifteen pages. But some subjects deserve a whole book, and believe me, I'm working on it. When I'm done, i'll have a whole encyclopedia, twenty volumes of information on just about everything

under the sun. Look out, Wiggy Waggy, I'm coming for you, twenty eight or twenty nine volumes, weighing over a hundred and forty pounds of solid book weight, leather bound and available on the installment plan. The Ron Burgundy Encyclopedia will have so much information you'll never need to look at your phone again. I'm so sorry you're writing an encyclopedia. Yes, yes, I am, okay, And how far have you gotten. I

don't know. Gosh, if I had to guess, maybe fifty pages pages, Well, I mean they need to be typed up. We're talking to my tape requorder almost every day while I'm driving, or playing golf, or at the movie ease in the supermarket, even even when I'm sleeping. You talk into a tape recorder at the movies. Sure, you never know when a great idea or or some knowledge is going to pop into your brain. You have to be

ready to to get it down. And anyway, Yeah, so I've recorded reams and reams of information and someone just needs to type it up to Dada Encyclopedia. Yes, okay, so but I'm getting off subject, which I hate to do. Back to the mail bag, Um, okay, let's see here. Here is a letter I got only last week from one of my fan club Premium gold members. Do people pay to be in your fan club? There's different levels.

There's Premium Gold is the top level. We may start platinum uh next fall, but right now it's Premium Gold and you can all the perks that come with Premium Gold. Dear Ron, my name is Timmy Wilson and I'm eleven years old and next week me and some of my friends are going camping. That's adorable, right, I've never been camping. My father is a pussy who works in an office making coffee and eating doughnuts and doesn't have time for me or my sister. You can't even throw a football

or ride a bike or do anything. He mainly sits in a chair at home and watches news. And I guess I love him, but sometimes I think he's not my real father because my mother is around a lot. Anyway, if you have any tips on camping, I sure would like it, because my dad is a real never mos the lawn or fixes anything, and doesn't know a thing about anything fun. Your friend Timmy Wilson, is he okay? Oh my god, what was that letter? Well it was in the Premium Gold He's a Premium Gold member, so

he's got to be doing pretty good. Uh well, Timmy, you're in because I know just about everything you need to know about camping an outdoor life, and today I'm gonna give you some fast tips that'll make you look like a real little outdoorsman. Your friends will think you must have some kind of great father, even if you and I know he's a real So, without further ado, here's the Ron Burgundy Ultimate Short Guide to Camping. And I say short guide because there's a book coming, but

it's several years away. Now. Today, I have a simplest of five things you'll need for any camping trip. Carolina. Are you ready? Yes? Okay, Well we'll be right back with that after these messages. Right well, right back after these messages left, and we are back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Carolina, you got your head in the game. I don't know why you keep checking on me doing a camping to do list for one of our Premium Gold Fan club members, Timmy Wilson. Yes, sorry, I thought

we were going to interview Richard Dreyfust today. Dry Fust will have to wait. This Timmy Wilson camping situation needs immediate attention called drive us up, and you know, do one of your lies. Don't play dumb over there. You're a classic liar. Your mouth is like a lying factory, assembling lie after lie after lies. So don't play dumb with me. Okay. Camping tips for a little Timmy Wilson never said he was little. Camping Tip number one, Timmy,

if you're going to go camping. The first thing you'll need to buy is a good RV, preferably a fter, but you can go as small as fourteen and still haul a boat trailer without too much trouble. Without a solid recreational vehicle timmy camping will be a real yeah. Ok uh, No one wants to put up a tent and sleep on the dirt. That's for long hairs and

Civil War reenactors, not for real campers. A good RV will have at least eight power outlets for the usual camping supplies stove, toaster, blender, emergency radio, pleasure radio, TV, and wine refrigerator. I prefer the longer to fort r vs because you get the large living room area for entertaining and watching the game. Don't cheap out and look for an old school bus. That's not camping. That's called being in a rock and roll band, and it has

nothing to do with the appreciation of nature. I'm sorry. What's pleasure radio? Pleasure radio is just for you know, listening to music stations and then emergency radio. You just keep dialed to more AM news stations, or you can keep it on like an emergency frequency for emergency information, or you can get a Bobcat scanner. All right, Tip

number two skip the big parks. As an American, I couldn't be more proud of our great national park system with all its many glorious parks, from Yellowstone to Big ben from Sequoia to the Everglades. We live in the eighth greatest country in the world, and I actually get choked up thinking about our national parks. Run m Are you okay? Is it? Is it the nature? Yeah, I'm okay. I just get a little choked up. What they think about a majestic bald eagle soaring on the wings of

freedom or large mouth bass? Is it leaps from a cool lake? The call of the wolves and the cry of the bobcat. We live in a great country. You said it was the eighth greatest country in the world. Eighth greatest country, Yes, but number eight is pretty high up. However, it's better to park the RV in a state park where there are a few rules and regulations. If you get my drift your you're gonna want to keep the

music and wine flowing late into the night. And those national parks can be a real wet blanket for fun. Sometimes I'll park in a Walmart parking lot. That way, you're right next to supplies, and you you tend to meet all kinds of interesting folks in a Walmart parking lot late at night. And I can tell you from experience though, do not start a fire in a Walmart parking lot. That that's a big no no. Just something

to keep in mind. Tip number three. If you're gonna steal picnic baskets, look out for those sneaky park rangers. The number one crime in all national and state parks, and people don't know this is picnic basket theft. And as fun as it is to snag a picnic basket and run from a ranger, the consequence can be fatal. Gun happy park rangers are taught to shoot first and

ask questions later if they suspect a basket robbery. That said, there's nothing more exhilarating than grabbing a basket of sandwiches and potatoes salad making a break for it. I've probably stolen over a hundred baskets in it. It never gets old. Picnic baskets. One hundred at least picnic baskets. Yes. In fact, there's one family I target every July when they go up to Yosemite for their family reunion. So see you soon, Mr and Mrs Anderson. Uh. Tip number four, wear a suit.

Most people who go camping think camping means never looking good. I've seen men and women out there wearing the same pair of shorts for days. No socks, no vests, no jackets, just t shirts and shorts. Sometimes they're they're barefoot. If you can believe it, it's probably the way you dress when you go camping. Carolina. Well, yeah, I mean I like camping, and I dressed pretty casual because you're you're gonna get dirty anyway, So why get all do all that?

You know, boy, no one is listening out there. Don't listen to Carolina. Camping is no time to skimp on style and class. You You can wear a suit. They make nice leisure suits with plenty of stretch and bold colors for outdoor living. It doesn't have to be a three piece suit, although I prefer all three pieces. But you really should wear a suit. The only time you wouldn't wear a suit, of course, is when you go for a swim in the lake or the other of

you wear a bathing suit. Wrong again, young lady. Tip number four always swim in the nude when you're out in the wild always, it's invigorating and liberating and makes you feel it one with nature. When you're hitting parts are free, you feel free. It's that simple. It's probably illegal though, you know this. Um, we just have to keep in mind what we're telling Timmy because he's eleven, and we told him to buy an RV and to wear a suit free p suit, and now we're telling

him to you know, get naked in National Park. Okay, well, then I'm also happy to tell Timmy this. If it's illegal to be free and wild, then what kind of constitution did George Washington? Right? Does he say we're supposed to be free and wild? I'm pretty sure because I you know, I don't know how you feel, but I don't want to live in a country where men and women can't swim in the nude and sunbathe in the

nude and walk through town nude. I just don't. And Timmy, if you're listening, and I know you are, you're listening out there, never be afraid to take your clothes off and walk around town. It's the best advice I can give. I just want to know that Timmy is okay, I mean his dad's his mom's number five. When telling ghost stories around the fire at night, remember the sound effects. Ghost stories are not scary without proper sound effects. Here's

an example. I could hear each footstep as the headless man slowly comes up the stairwell towards my room. Great, great squeak, craig. See. With the proper sound effect, the storytelling is elevated. It puts you right in the scene. You try, you try, airline, do the footsteps cree cree c Holy, that's terrible. It sounds like you're singing. I'm sorry, it's not scary at all. Here's one inside the walls. I could hear the ideous sound of the cold beating heart.

But but dump, but dump, but dump? Huh? Pretty scary, right, It's not just the storytelling, it's the sound effects. People will jump out of their skin. Here's a cat sound. I make me tell me that doesn't scare the Carolina. Okay, you try a cat's okay? Oh my god, not to sell. Do not invite Carolina to the ghost storytelling time around the fire. Seriously about this. You call out the ghost story sound effect you want to hear and I'll give

it to you. Okay, I'll give it to you. Good um. Okay, creaky door here which I'm an old witch and I need to children. Demon dog howl, oh good one um, rattling chains, scantle scantle skins, gettle scantle skills, blood curdling scream, oh um, eating human flesh, ghost noise. Okay, I need to stuff this. Stuffs getting too scary. But I think you see what I mean, right, Yeah, I was terrifying. We had great sound effects to your ghost stories. I mean it really will make you the hit of the

camp and and you know that's about it for camping tips. Now, Timmy, get out there and have fun, all right, Carolina, what's next from the old mail bag? Okay, so the thing is that we don't have a mail bag or a fan club. I don't even know where you got that letter from that little kid, because that's such a messed up life from Timmy. Yeah, well, then it's on to the next segment. Let's say the podcast is humming along

just fine. When we get back, we'll play our celebrated animal names song and welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Let me just take a pause here and ask Carolina a question. Have you ever thought that some animal names were just stupid? What do you mean, like the names we call animals like dog and moves and shark? Like like who came up with these names? I don't know who came up with any names. You know, they're just part of the language. I guess, Yeah, that's what I'm

talking about. It's pretty pretty random, you know. I mean, why don't we call dogs squinks? Have you been? Are you smoking pot? I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on? Or sharks wouldn't wouldn't a better name be dragoons? I just feel like if you called sharks dragoons, people wouldn't know what you were talking about. And well that's why we have to change things to get it right. Raccoon isn't right at all, but double wins, that is, See what I'm saying. I don't really name an animal with

a bad name. Um, woodpecker. Oh right, that's a terrible name. It should be called a lanceer ROI okay, how about an elephant? Um, I wouldn't want to change that one. They nailed that one. But an eagle, I mean, give me a break. An eagle should be called a Tanta Martin. See, this is fun. What about a coyote? Awful name, just awful. We should be calling coyotes char nips. That's what they

look like. You try one. How about a cat? I would call a cat a gravel t it wonderful, Carolina, A gravel t it is the best name ever for a cat. How about a pig? My new name for a pig is a gorrant. Nice. We'll start calling pigs gorrants today. There are so many names we can change. Animals have stupid names. Let's make them new. It's a fun thing to do. Let's change the names of animals like pan or lizard or even a vampire bath. Let's change all the names. It's a fun, fun game. Let's

change the names of animals. Wasn't that fun? Uh, we'll be right back after this. Alright, we're back to the Ron Burgundy podcast. Well, Carolina, we've done it again. No guests, me talking, you listening a complete show. Actually we're a little short run short. No, it's impossible. I got a custom made real Lex Aviation special edition time piece that hasn't missed a second of its life guaranteed. See is

not the watch that says that yeah, two hours. Yeah, it's a rule X. Role x is spelled with one L and an X at the end. So what's not mine? Mine is spelled r O L l e k S. So that's not a rule X. That's actually some kind of knockoff. Dare you? I bought this legitimately from a guy who desperately needed a bus ticket to get back to his wife and kids who were being held at

gunpoint by Russian agents. That sounds like a scam, Carolina, Who in their right mind would make up a story like that to just try and get two thousand dollars? You paid two thou dollars for that watch? I did, and I lend in my car. The situation seemed pretty desperate, I mean, Russian agents. Can you imagine your family being held by Russian agents and not being able to help? You? Lent this guy your car? When was this about? Oh, let's see eight years ago? Um? And has he returned

the car? Not yet? You will? Okay? He left me his name and number and it's right here in my wallet, let's hear Justin Blieber four nine six seven three. Okay, Yes, that sounds legit. You did not get taken for two thou dollars in your car. I am sorry. No need to apologize to me. It's Mr Blieber. You should apologize to well. Even though that's a legit role X watch. We are still short on time. I've got an idea. Let's show our listeners my one of a kind legendary

knife collection. It's a podcast, so we can't really show them anything. Well, you describe the knives and I'll tell people a little bit about each one. When I worked in radio, we had to paint pictures for our audience all the time. So you can do it. It'll be fun. Okay, sure, I guess if it gets us through the show. Um, where is this one of a kind knife collection? Where I always keep it in the trunk of my car? So I'll just I'll just go get it and we

can we can take a Breakay, here we go. Oh my god, Oh my god, you keep all of those knives in the trunk of your car? Yes, I do. I need them in the trunk because I have to take them to knife shows all over Southern California to display and trade with other knife collectors. It's it's a hobby and I enjoy it. Pick one anyone. Okay that one? Oh boy, did you? Did you not understand me? You need to paint a picture of the knife you're pointing at and then I'll talk about it. Okay, yes, right,

talk about that one. It doesn't even have a blade, and um, it's kind of wooden looking, but it doesn't have a blade and there's a metal ring on it. This is going to be rough. Yikes. Okay, say it's wooden and has a ring on it. It does, however, have a aid. It's a Boy Scout pocket knife. See the blade folds out like this, I cut myself. I'm gonna need a band aid. No, biggie, are you okay? It's nothing, barely got the skinned? Keep going. Uh? So you were in the Boy Scouts. Of course I was.

It's a wonderful, time honored institution that teaches young boys to be men through camping and woodcraft and first aid and bird watching. I was an Eagle Scout for your information, Is that special? It's a very big deal. Yes. So that's not really a rare knife, not really, but it does have an interesting story behind it. I joined the Boy Scouts when I was about nine. I had been a Cub Scout of course, so the transition was fairly easy. I waited with heart pounding anticipation all summer long for

our first big inter troop jamboree. Every troop from the whole state would be there, and not just the twenty boys in my troop, but thousands of eager young scouts. Our scout master was a man's man who knew everything about camping and boating and making fires. We we called him Mr Safely because if you ever were doing something dangerous, he would come up from behind and hug you real

tight to keep you safe. Anyway, one night, after we had roasted marshmallows and told scary stories, everyone went to bed. Mr Safely asked if I could come to his tent before going to bed. It was something a lot of the boys did and was considered a real honor. There was something you wanted to show me. Um, maybe we can cut the story short. It doesn't seem like such a good idea. Anyway, I got my PGS and I

went off to Mr. Safely's tent. He had a big tent filled with candy and magazines and cool stuff, and he offered me a candy and asked if I had a girlfriend. Then he said he had something he wanted to show me, something he was hiding in his shorts. He told me to close my eyes, and then I heard some rustling. When I opened my eyes, guess what was sticking right in my face? Um? A wiener? Huh what a wiener? No, no, you dummy? This pocket knife? Oh my god, a wiener. Where did you get that from? No?

He gave me my very first pocket knife. Yeah, he gave him out to all the boys that we're doing good, a weener. It's just you hear these stories about these scout masters. I don't know what kind of stories you're talking about. Pick another knife, weener, really, mr safely, seriously, here, pick another knife. Describe it. Um, it's long, has leather, and it's some jewels. Carolina. You really cannot paint a picture,

can you. That's called a gladius, and it's actually a short Roman sword, or sometimes referred to incorrectly as a dagger. I have daggers, hundreds of daggers, and this is no dagger. The leather case is called a scabbard. And believe me, you need the case because these things are two sided and very sharp. This one I paid a pretty penny for how much I bought it for around four dollars. The jewels encrusted on the handles alone are worth maybe

a million dollars. A million dollars, I said, maybe, who knows. But pay attention to the intricate details on the blade when I when I take it out of the scabbard. Oh my gosh, darn it, I cut myself again. It's smart, really does anyway. Ah, that's a beautiful knife and very sharp. That's a sharp knife. Pick another one. What's the rusty old one there? Don't just point well, it's long and kind of rusty and has a weird, crooked looking handle. What you're looking at is not the handle, but a

clip for sticking on the end of a gun. It's called a bannet and was used in this nation's bloodiest war, the Civil War. Why would you put a knife on a gun? Wouldn't you just shoot the gun? It was used in tight hand to hand combat when men were upon each other so thick in battle that a loaded gun was useless. Many men died from the steel of a bayonet like this one. Oh Carolina, The vengeance that looks in the black bosom of mankind has caused untold

mysteries over the centuries. What evil dough men do with in the name of righteous balla a blood red history is red larger palmer winds of tibe. Here inscribing this bayonet lies the deadly cost of all shameful wickedness. Okay, So how does it go on a gun? Simple? You grab the bayonet here, and you make sure not to touch the boy, don't. I got myself again, more band aids. Please, let's just stop. Stop pick that one, okay. Uh, tell me something about that knife. It looks like a butter knife.

It is a butter knife, and as you know, butter knives are not sharp. They are for spreading butter on toast. I swiped this butter knife from a fancy five star seafood restaurant called the Red Lobster. It's pure silver and worth quite a lot of money. The restaurant closed down some time ago, so I don't think they'll be coming after me. Really, I think there are red Lobsters everywhere. Well, I'm sure you don't know what you're talking about. No, it's a chain. There are thousands of them. Agree to

disagree anyway. It's a one of a kind. Butter knife from that hard to believe it, but I just cut myself with a butter knife. Your hands are looking really bad. It's normal whenever I show my knife collection, I get cut up. I can't be helped. Moving on. What's the round thing with like five knives coming out of it? Yes, it's a Japanese throwing star, one of the deadliest silent killers in all of combat. My friend ken Yashimoto sold

that to me for ten thousand dollars. It's lineage is uncertain, but goes back to the earliest days of the Samurai warriors. Don't pick that up. It says made in China. Here on this side, right here that sticker as was true. I'm sure some of the some of the best metal smiths from the twelfth century were from mainland China. Put it down carefully, Carolina. Each blade is its own, meticulously sharpened knife. I thought maybe I should hold the knives from now on. Don't be an idiot give me that.

I don't want to give it to me. Now you cut me that time, that's on you. We quit. No pick another knife. I'm slur everyone is interested. Pig one, you're a little white Okay, that one that looks like a metal bat. It's called a caral Bit knife is the tech tactical knife for I've lost a lot of blood. I can see it now. It's it's an old dirt road leading to a little country church. I want to go there, Carolina, it's it looks beautiful. Run run, Carolina.

What are you doing here? Why are in this white room? My head feels like a spongy balloon area? Look at all. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm Ron Burgundy. The host, writer and executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is Nick Stump. Our talent coordinator is an a host. Gang writers are Andrew Steele and Jake Fogoless. This episode was engineered, mixed, and edited by Nick Stuff. Until next Time, Mrs Ron Burgundy, m