Childcare with Jon Brion

Anyone listening knows that a while back, I used to be a doulah. Yes, for a few months or so, I worked in a small Polish village and I helped deliver the babes no education or training. It was just very intuitive and very knowledge jible. And if you're ever in Poland and you find yourself in a beautiful small town called Malburg, pop into their local elementary school. You'll find a whole classroom of children I delivered. They're doing great.

One kid still has his unbilical cord. Actually, Alexander, he's like four, Um, Where's what's going on? Where's this story going? Oh? Yeah, Today's episode is on childcare. To the parents out there, you made a human. Now what you rinse them off? You wrap them in a towel, then you you put them down somewhere. And what do you do between meals? Just sit there, read a book? How do you fill the time with these strange creatures? That's your Is this

your childcare advice? Yes it is. But before we get to all of that, let's read some of our online comments. Right Welcome to our online comments segment today. I actually showed Ron our podcast page on Apple Music, and there's a whole section where people can write in and tell me how much they like me. Well, they can leave reviews, so that's it. Okay, they just leave reviews great, good, So a whole host of reviews, and we have the

page pulled up right here. So what I wanted to say is that some of them might be not so nice. I mean, people actually tend to avoid reading their reviews online because with every nice one, there's always a few really mean ones, you know, So just something to keep in mind. Run, are you listening, I'm reading? Okay, Oh look, this guy gave our podcast a star. He gave us one star. He wrote garbage, terrible, trash podcast. See, this is what I was trying to say. I'm confused. What

does he mean? Um? I think he's just saying that our podcast isn't really his cup of tea. He's being confusing. I mean that comment is random, random alert. It seems like he's out of his mind or on a bender or something. You know. Let's just look at another one. Okay, Oh, here we actually have another star another one star review. Okay. It starts by saying stupid poop. Okay, well that's funny. And he also said this is a poop podcast, worthless, shameful. Oh,

who do you think he's talking about? Here? You for me? I feel like I don't know. Well, it's about our show. It's not about me. Well, it's not about me. I'm not stupid poop. Okay. I mean, can you for absolute certain say that he's not talking about you specifically. I think he just doesn't like our show. Okay, Carolina, Sure, it's about our show. Sure, Okay, one more. Let's look at this one. Oh, this one gave us like eight

million stars stars, a constellation of stars. All right, this guy says, Ron is du man, dude, Wow, Ron's demand dude, Ron is demand. Are you just rereading it? Oh? My god? Are you getting emotional? What can I say? He's a good writer who said the art of criticism was dead. My god. The reviews are in and I'm the man. It's official, Carolina, We've got to do this more often. I mean, it says it says it right here. I'm the man, and I think this was really helpful feedback.

Do yeah, let's take a commercial break, Carolina and I are going to toast some champagne over these reviews. Stay tuned, will be back with a childcare expert. Carolina, We did it. Welcome back to the childcare episode of the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Many people have been writing me asking for my experience as a doulah and asking me how to take care

of their little ones. But what we decided to do is to speak with another expert beside myself about some of the most important questions of your life as it pertains to children. So joining us here in studio is Liz, our childcare expert. Liz. Thank you for coming on the podcast today, Thanks for having me. Thank you. Yes, and so, Liz, what exactly is your title? How should I address you? You can address me as Liz, Okay, I can tell

you some of the things that I do every case. Yes, um, So, I run a developmental center for young children ages two to five, and so we get to really be partners with families um in their children's development and it's pretty wonderful. And we get to know the kids really well and get to see them grow and develop over years. So you know your stuff, I hope so. Yes. Um, Well, I'm a doula, so we're kind of cut from the same close. What conversation topics do you broach with a baby?

You know, I don't know what they know or or what they like. Hell, I don't even know anything about them. Great thing about talking to babies is every moment that you're in relation with a baby, that you're connected with the baby. They're learning how to exist in the world. So you can talk to a baby that proven. We don't know that. We know that for sure. Babies they're very smart. Okay, I think we'll agree to disagree on that one. Have you seen a baby fly helicopter? That's

a good point. Yes, thank you, I appreciate that feedback. Yeah. Um, what's the best trap to get a baby to stop crying? There are no tricks to get babies to stop crying. But babies are absolutely perfectly wired to be responsive to soothing by a parent or a caregiver. So a baby who stops crying as a baby who isn't hungry or isn't hurting, or isn't exhausted, and so so they're trying to express themselves and the only way they know how to,

because they're not that smart, is to cry. Yes, so like a bottle full of rum and coke, that's not that's an old wives that's helped you. Yes, well, that's what my mother used to do to me, right, and you do sometimes still and tears. Have a sip of rum and coke out of a baby's bottle that will call me? That makes it feel more special? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you feel and you feel really big when you're holding it because it's small for a baby's hand. I didn't

realize that that's what was happening. From a psychological psychological psych psychological psychological got it. And here's a question that comes up a lot. I'm sure, how do you teach your kids that farting is embarrassing. It's a really hard thing to do because so much of our work with little kids focuses on not pouring our shame and despair at being humidating them. So there is a little moment that you have to switch into, and it really is

how big they are, because it's how gross their farts are. Huh, So little fartstars are shame free. And then it's right around that six year old birthday they get when it gets nasty because it's individual for every chime. I mean, even as an adult, you know, farting is funny, but it's not. We've had to talk to Ron about how farting is. Ron parting is embarrassing, but it's got it funny. Now, how do you teach children leash manners? You know? Because mine tugs at his when I take him to Disneyland.

I put him on a leash and he just tugs away. How do you teach them don't pull on the leash so much? The kids on leash is something that I never understood until I actually started working with young children, and then I thought, wow, someone had a very smart idea, because how can you possibly keep them safe? So, like teaching anything to a young child, you repeat, you model, you provide consistent support. So any treats. Do you give

them food treats? It depends. People may find this controversial, but I trained my child by giving walter kibble. Yeah was it kibble? Or no? It was real kibble. Yes, you took a hated it. He didn't respond well, So I turned kibble into milk duds, and then he learned not to pull on the leash. By the way, has anyone seen my kibble? Is my bag of kibble still there in the studio? Someone took it. I snack on kibble occasionally, But that's that's nothing to do with what

we're talking about. Um, what do you say when your kids shows you a picture they drew and I don't know how to phrase this and it's a piece of s Do you tell them you like it? You know, I'll probably ask questions about it, just let's face it. Sometimes the letters are backwards and you know, you can't even figure out what they're drawing, and that sort of thing. I'll find something in it that really grabs my attention that I really like and start the conversation that way.

I probably wouldn't lead with it's not meeting our quality standards. I told my son once when he was in third grade. And I meant this with nothing but affection. But watch it, dummy, Ron sent you a picture of Run that Run found unflattering. I'm not raising a mon net, that's for sure. Continue. Here's an interesting question. Well, my dad used to kick me out of the car and have me walk home when I was being a real sass mouth. Um, can I have him arrested for child abuse today? You probably

can't have him arrested for child abuse today. But I'm really sorry that happened to you. That must have been really hard. Yeah, I mean, in hindsight, I kind of appreciate. I mean, he wasn't equipped emotionally with the tools to kind of help me along. Um so, but it was Yeah, I was weird. Yeah, that sounds like that was really really hard for you. Because this is before navigation or anything. How did you find your way home? Well? I didn't

for like a month. One year you lived with That was when you said that that was your wolves year, that was my wolves, my coyote year. Yep. Um. But speaking of my father, I mean, could I could I literally send police to his nursing home right now like a swat team? No? Okay, okay, I was joking. By the way, I would never do that unless you said yes. That's why I was really careful to say a firm no. I didn't want you to think that you could negotiate

with that. I wanted to be really strong so you could feel really safe and secure with the answer that I was giving you, which is no. Ron, what parting is embarrassing, but it's funny, Liz, what's a trick or um on terms of how to talk to children that more you see most people do wrong? Is that too broad of a question. Oh no, that's pretty top of mind for me. Um. So adults parents are blowing it constantly.

There are two things that when I see parents doing that I know is really well meaning, I get really excited about how to gently adjust them out of the habits. And the first is when parents say, use your words when their child is having a tantrum or struggling. The parent is trying to say, hey, we can talk this out.

I'm here, I can listen to you. But what they're actually saying is, you know that hardest thing for you to do, the most difficult way that you have to communicate, use that right now while you're in a panic and you're crying and you're struggling. Um, So instead of saying use your words, all advise parents to offer their kids what they know their kids are trying to say in

that moment. This is helping me so much because Ron was having a tantrum earlier today and I did, I was, I was, I said your words, and he was having it was there was he was trying to formulate the words, but they weren't coming. Now I see that was me. Let's walk through that. Let's do a do over on Ron's tantrum and walk through what maybe you could do the next time to help you guys stay connected in that really hard moment. Is that okay? Yeah? Sure. So

Ron's crying, I'm just gonna let him go. So what I would say right there is, Ron, I see you looking for your bag of a kibble and you seem really frustrated that you can't find it. Would you like some help so we can look for your kidble together. It's I Ron, I still see that you're looking at your kibble. I'd like to help you, but it's up on a high shelf. You hm, partying is embarrassing by your face. Sorry, that is sort of usually where it ends.

I usually lash out and I always apologize. That's my rule is seven days. I have to apologize within seven days. And I wait. I waited out, and sometimes it doesn't come, but sometimes it does, and sometimes it comes at the eleventh hour, end of day six exactly exactly do children, um, have you ever been bitten by a child? I was bitten by a child about thirty seconds before I left. Their teeth marks? Can you show I can't show you

the teeth marks, but there are teeth marks. There usually are, so they this this child really clamped on wow, and it was great. It was one of my favorite moves, which is the sneak attack, which is it's a pretend leg hug and then I go, I fall for the hug. Every time that a misguided show of affection or was it out of anger? In this case, it was a child who just had too much kids inside the little body at that moment, So it wasn't. This is a child I have a great relationship with, We have a

good rapport which each other. He wasn't trying to hurt people exactly, and he just got so fired up, too much person in a little body, and I've got to bite someone, so he chommed me right as I walked out. There is a famous football player, well soccer, Louise Suarez, and he's bitten players at opposing teams a couple of times. What does that say about how was he raised as a child? Do we do the tool of you just

bit me? I think you would say the truth of what happened, you would label it, you would offer help, you would offer a boundary, and in that moment you would have to say, I can't let you bite me. I can't let you bite me, Louise Sorez exactly, And so it illustrates that it's and if you do it again,

there'll be consequences exactly. Yeah. Gotta be funny if if you ever had a chance to meet Louise Sourez in person, just bite him right away on the cheek, preemptively two show that I was dominant for no, just like I know your tricks. I'm gonna bite you before you can bite me. I don't know if I would encourage that strategy with adults or with kids. I see that sometimes

play out with very little hold on Liz. Sometimes you are backed into a order in a certain situation and you've exhausted all other ways of negotiation, and the only way to get out of it is to bite someone shark your way right out. We've all been there. They messed up my order at Starbucks like three times one day, and finally I just reached across the counter and I bit the young lady in the hand. I guess what happened next time I came in They had my order right.

So I'm just saying it's hard to I'm not I'm not in support of it, but there are just sometimes when it's the only option. Yeah, No, it's true. And on occasion when I'm on a transcontinental flight and I'm just bored, No it's a it's a red eye, we'll just randomly bite someone on the foot and then scurry back to my seat so they can't see that it was you. Well, just to get it, just because I'm bored up, all scurry like a little like a little field now us back to my seat, giggling like a

school girl. Oh that's so. I wish you hadn't told me that. There is nothing more pleasurable than hearing someone up in first classgowing someone just bit me and knowing it was you. But yeah, I've got my technics shots. So what's good at least well is we cannot thank you enough. Thank you so much visiting us here. You are providing a service that is invaluable to the youth of America and to our relationship, and you helped us out. Yes exactly. Thanks again, thank you. And now for our

nursery rhyme segment with composer and musician John Ryan. Welcome to the podcast, John, how are you today. I'm very well, nice to be here. What do you say we we kick it off with a little row row row your boat. Um. This is one I have fond memories of singing this nursery rhyme with my mother as a little boy. She used to sing it to me to entice me into the tub when it was bathtime. And oh man, did I hate bathtime as a kid. I just loved being covered in dirt and sand and motor oil. You know

how kids today play with that slime stuff. When I was a child, we didn't have slime, So I used to play with a can of Pen's oil motor oil. I just poured all over myself, even into my mouth, and laugh like an idiot. If I could If I could have it my way, I would have stayed covered in motor oil all day long. But Mom wouldn't have it. You just don't want a child covered in motor oil rolling all over your white couch. Anyway, we would just sing this during bathtime when my mom would help scrub

the motor oil off my tiny body. John, quick question before we start. Did you play with motor oil as a as a baby? Exclusively? That's what I thought, Carolina. How about yourself? Oh no, not come on, I just not once, not ever. That might cause brain damage. I think every child has had a fond memory of playing with motor oil. John, why don't we start here? Road, road, Road, your boot gently down the stream, merely, merely, merely, merely life is but it's lovely, just the way I remember it. Wow,

that was beautiful, short and sweet. Next up, hot cross Buns. This nursery rhyme is one I think we're all familiar with, and it's called hot cross Buns. I've always been interested in the origin of nursery rhymes and these little songs. They seem to have existed forever in some shape or form, usually a simple melody with simple lyrics dating back to the nineteenth century. So I was curious about the history behind hot cross Buns, so I looked it up on

the computer last night. This song was originally written ages ago by a couple of guys you actually might be familiar with. John Lennon and Paul McCartney recorded over two sessions on July THIRTI, nineteen sixty two, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The final version of hot Cross Buns were all familiar with is actually a combination of the seventeenth and twenty first take of the song, produced by George Martin and appearing on the Beatles second

UK album With the Beatles. It's just such specifically wrong information with a little bit of Beatlemania. Children and adults have been singing hot cross Buns ever since, So let's give it a dry hot cross buns, Hot cross buns. One A penny to a penny, Hot cross buns. I have no daughters, Give them to your sons, A penny to a penny, hot cross bun. I'd like that you did the version from the earlier take. Yeah, the Bootlegs, Yes, thank you. Of course John Brian would know it's from

the Bootlegs. Carolina you had no idea. I guess I need to be I don't know educated more on the history of the Beatles. You just have to collect all the imports. That's That's what it comes down to, collecting the imports. Okay, this next one, this is personally one of my favorite nursery rhymes. I was. I was an extremely colic a three year old, so my mother had to sing this to me every night to fall asleep, and boy did it work. Um John, I think you're

familiar with this tune as well. It's it's an it's an old, old nursery rhyme. I believe it's an old Dutch classic. It is, and it's called play in the Well. No one knows what time it is. Everyone knows what time it is. Time for a nap, no time for a treat, no time to read a book. No, what's that you say, Let's go play in the well. It's a cold art of mourn, So let's play in the well. We play in the well until the cold wind blows. We play in the well, and the old lady knows. Joseph, Maria, Gertrude,

and Paul they never came back. They never came back. At all, what's that you say, Let's go play in the well. It's a cold autumn morn, so let's play in the well. The old lady screams in the middle of the night, she lost her hand from the wolves. What a fight? Joseph, Maria, Gertrude and Paul. They never came back. They never came back. They never came back. Oh oh, it brings back such joy, really does. A personal favorite of mine. It's so dark. It's dark, as

in like a cozy little bedroom, dark like Grandma's quilt. Yes, it is dark. There's some blade runner um, I don't think so. And then it's about four missing children. Actually that one is actually based on a true story. Yes, so sure, all right. This next one is probably the most famous nursery rhyme I can think of. It's so famous. I think if you went up to someone on the street right now and pulled out a switchblade and held it to their neck and screamed, name a nursery rhyde,

this is the one they would think of. Even in the state of panic and tear of being randomly accosted by someone with the switch blade, The first thing that would probably pop into their head would be Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star. A fun fact about this song. It's it's lyrics come from an English poem written by Jane Taylor. Wait, that wasn't really a fun fact. Caroline asked you to gather some fun facts about some of these nursery rhymes. What's what's fun about that? It's hard to find a

fun fact. But the lyrics come from an old poem. Some lady named Jane wrote, that's a fact. Who cares? I don't know. It's not a fun fact. Try to find something. We need to have a sidebar conversation about what constitutes fun facts, because you could have just said I couldn't find any fun facts. It's just a basic fact. Because it set my expectation. You were exciting. I was so excited for the fun fact, and it's just a basic fact, all right, John, First of all, I apologize

for all that back and forth. John, Twin Twinkle little Star, How I wonder what you above the world so high like a diamond in the sky, whin the blazing sun is gone, when he nothing shines upon. Then you show your little light, twinkle twinkle all the night in the traveler in the dark. Thanks you for your tiny spark. How could he see where to go if you did

not twinkle? So the dark blue sky you keep often through my curtain's peep for you never shut your eye till the sun is in the sky as you or bright and tiny spark lights the traveler in the Dokh, I no not what you are. Twinkle Twinkle to star, Twinkle twinkle. That's gorgeous, John Bryan, everyone that was epic. Yeah, it might be hard to fall asleep to that for like little kids. No, that's gonna love them to sleep into a deep rem state off the first note. Okay,

we're gonna now sing Bob a black Sheet. I mean, musically, it's very similar to another nursery rhyme, Twinkle Twinkle little stir. In fact, if you think about it, both Boba Black Sheep and Tweet Gold Twinkle Little Star, or T T L S as I like to refer to it, are also very similar to the Alphabet song, which I'd like to refer to as T A S. The Alphabet song. It's it's almost like a lot of these nursery rhymes just used the same tune over and over again. Do

you find that John a little bit? You know, they're written by three year olds. What do you expect? Or it's extremely lazy adults who have no creativity whatsoever. Look, there's a lot of people who just want to make money from writing, and they populate many buildings about this time. I mean, you can't write the same melody over and over again, can you? I mean I've watched you work. You work your tail off, right, I try you bring your lunch pail. I mean, perhaps you've heard some of

my work I wrote up. Oh that's gorgeous the way you dropped it down there, Say what? I was really one of my finest. That was a little macabre twinkle twinkle scooby doola, Yes, Edgar Allan Poe esque. That's what it sounds like when ar Allen Poe wakes up from a nap. That's his snooze on his alarm clock. I'm so excited about this next nursery rhyme. It's the one I sang to my son Walter all the time, and

he he loved it. So many fond memories of singing this nursery rhyme with my my little guy when he was a tyke. It's a simple little tune that's been a huge part of our lives, always has, always will be. There's not a child anywhere in the world that hasn't sung this song. I think you should start this one. Okay, let me start it with it. M little something. Life's like a road that you travel along wind. There's one

day here and the next day's gone. Sometimes you've been, sometimes you stand, Sometimes you turn your back to the wind. There's a world outside every darken door, where the blues won't aren't you anymore, where the braver free and the lover's soul come. Ride with me to the distan shore. We will hesitate, break down that garden gate. There's not much left to day light the highway. I won't ride it all night. If you're going in my way, I want to drive it all night long. Forget the words.

I'm just gonna do it this way. I'll keep jumping up the part again, Live the high Way. I won't ride it all night long. This is for you, Walter. I love you so much. If you're going in my way, I will drive it night long. M hm oh my God. Classic nursery rhyme is that Life as a Highway by Tom Cochrane. Thank you for listening. Everyone. This was nursery rhymes with John Brian. Thank you John for joining us. What a pleasure here. We'll be right back with the

Ron Burgundy Podcast after these messages. Welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. We're all babies, we've just gotten older. Wow, that was really deep. I'm gonna fox some people up with that one. When I was a doulah, I once helped a Polish woman eager give birth to three Polish babies. It's called triplets. It happens once in a while. I pressed a damp washcloth up to the mother's forehead and brought her three little babies up to her face so she could meet them for the first time. They were

just covered in this red and blue muck. Was just disgusting, all of it, and they were loud anyway. That was my last day on the job after those triplets. Well, three's a crowd. I'm in retirement. But don't worry now. My podcast listeners are my real babies, and just like my actual child, I'll pay attention to you for another two years. We'll be back next Thursday on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. That was great. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is

a production of I Heart Radio and Funnier Die. I'm Ron Burgundy. The host, writer and executive producer, Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producers are Jack O'Brien, Nick Stump, Miles Gray, and Whitney Odeck. Our executive producer is Mike Faerman. Our consulting producer is Andrew Steele. Our coordinating producer is Colin McDougald. Our associate producers are Anna Hosnier and Sophie Lichterman. Our writer is Jake Foglist.

Our production coordinator is Hannah Jacobson. This episode was engineered, mixed, and edited by Nick Stuff. Until next time, this is Ron Burgundy. Mm hmm