The Rising Conquer Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of the land which this episode is being recorded, the Yugen Bear region. We further acknowledge country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and terrest Raid Islander peoples today. Hello and welcome back to the Rise and Conquer Podcasts.
This is the podcast for ordinary.
People who want to do extraordinary things.
Make your purpose so basic and then you'll realize that it's quite easy to feel that feeling we make it up in our head that it's got to be this crazy, big thing for humanity. You already are doing something big for humanity if you're making somebody feel better about themselves.
Hello and welcome back to the Rising Conquer Podcast. As you can probably tell, I'm not Georgie. It's a tear by the way I've taken over today's intro as ge has completely lost her voice, but don't worry, her voice was okay.
When we did the interview.
So on today's EPP we are interviewing Alexis Fernandez on all Things self love, habits and commitment. She has a master's in neuroscience so breaks everything down in easy to understand small chunks, which we love. She has also just released a new book called The Neuroscience of Self Love, and we are all a bit obsessed with it here in the office. It's filled with actionable tips and really cool insights on how you can work on your self
love without the fluff. I know Georgie usually gives an update on her week, but as she can't speak, we'll get her to chat about it in Friday's EP if her voice is back, but I thought i'd give you a short update to day anyway. On Saturday, and H had their biggest launch of the year, hosting the Candyland Carnival at their HQ. It was literally the best launch ever and I'm so glad I got to go. It was such an incredible day and so nice to meet
everyone in person. The candy collection launched at five pm yesterday, so definitely go get some if it isn't already sold out. All the flavors in next Level and I'm completely obsessed. My personal favorite has to be the Sour Peach stim free pre workout. It honestly tastes just like my childhood and I'm an afternoon workout gal, so this is perfect for me. We can't wait for you to hear this awesome chat with Alexius.
So let's get into the episode.
Alexis, Welcome to the Rise and Tnker Podcast.
Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
We are so excited to have you on the show. Firstly, for those who don't know you, could you just tell us who you are and a little bit about what you did for sure.
So I'm My name's Alexis Fernandez, and I am a well now I'm an author and a podcaster, but my background is in neuroscience. So I did my undergrad in cognitive neuroscience kind of in my early twenties, and I always was obsessed with the brain and I absolutely just loved everything about the brain. And then I kind of took some time off studying and I got into fitness. I became a politis instructor, and then I had like this craving halfway through, and then I was traveling the world.
I was living in Paris, I was living in la I was kind of doing everything traveling the world, and then kind of like in my late twenties, I had this urge to go back to studying the brain. I was like, okay, I need to go back. I need to I don't know, it was like just biting at me. So yeah, in my late twenties, I then decided to go back to my masters. Had this like full on breakup, and I thought, okay, I need a change. I'm getting
back into it. So went back into my masters, and I kind of thought, Okay, I have to do something with the brain for the rest of my life. It's like my purpose. And I just didn't really want to work in a clinical setting. I didn't want to work with patients one on one because I'm so outgoing, and that's what I loved about teaching polarates all the time. You know, you've got your class, you've got your people there, and so I just thought, Okay, I love talking about
the brain. I love being on stage. Maybe just have a podcast and so I can talk about it and have people message me. And I literally just did it as a labor of love to start with. And then about I would say like seven months in from starting the podcast, I ended up just quitting my full time job and just doing the podcast while I was still at UNI, and now now we're here. Wow' that's honestly incredible.
First of all, I didn't know that you were a Polarates instructor.
How bloody fun. I know, I loved it. I mean I still do it all the time.
But were you teaching fitness around the world.
Yes. I was able to take it to Paris, I took it to la I used to live in Brisbane, that moved to Sydney, and so everywhere I've lived. In most places i've lived, I've been able to travel and teach Polarti because it's so versatile. You can do Matt Poliiti's you can do train people at home, you can. I was mainly teaching Reformer, but when I traveled, I was teaching Matt.
I love how you spoke about having this like a burning desire and you're like, I need to teach people about how the brain works and help people, and look what has happened now.
Ps.
I'm a big fan of your podcast, so thank you, big fan. I love when people can really bridge the gap of like science but also explain it to me in like a way I'm gonna understand because I'm not a science person.
Totally, totally, and that's what I was trying to do because I thought, I feel like, if you can break down science in a way that's really digestible for everyone, more people would love it because it's I'm just obsessed with it. But I think, you know some topics that I would learn. I thought, oh my god, it took me so long to grasp that. I wish I could just understand all these topics, even in a nutshell, like you don't have to go in depth with so many
topics just to get a generalunderstanding. So I thought, if I could do that and also teach people why they're thinking a certain way or why they feel like they're why in a certain way, and how you can change that and teach them kind of the science behind it. I think people are more likely to try something new if they're like, Okay, this isn't just someone telling me, just oh, just do this without yes, why this is happening.
I think people love to understand where something's coming from in order to kind of put it into practice, because people can be really skeptical sometimes.
I think when it comes yeah, changing, but that's even I talk a lot about it my podcast almost there's science behind like manifesting.
Yeah, because manifesting.
Can be like so we were so like spiritual that if you can kind of bring in thre's actually science facts around it and people can get around it a bit more.
That's right. That's right. And I think people people think, Okay, well, you've gotten that way due to all these external circumstances like luk and this and that. But there's actually so much to be said for changing your mindset and how you approach something and how that can actually completely transform your life just in the span of a few months
or a year, you know. And when people hear that, at first they're like, okay, yeah, right, and then you start breaking down like how a thought literally will create your day once you get it and you imply it. Then you look back and think, oh, no, wonder all that shit went down the way it did, or no, wonder this never happened for me. Before you know, you're.
Like, oh, it makes sense, well talking about science. So your new book, The Neuroscience of Self Love, I was just telling all excess of air.
I'm obsessed here at R and C.
We're all obsessed, and I like I said, like, I love how you really breach a bridge the gap?
Sorry, can you tell us a little bit?
What was the reasoning behind and bringing out a self love book?
So with the podcast that I do, so every episode that I put out, I always my purpose behind every single episode, no matter what the topic is, to help people improve their relationship with themselves. That's kind of like the underlying theme of everything that I do. And so I thought, okay, if this is what I want to do for people, what I want to provide for people, I thought, okay, what is the thing that ties everything together?
And what's the thing that people ask me the most when I put out question boxes on Instagram on the Facebook page. And the main thing is people are always wanting to know how to increase their self love. That is the biggest one. And I found that if you can have higher levels of self love, everything changes your career and how you experience that will change your every relationship. If you love yourself, all your relationships that are good get better and the ones that are bad or toxic
just disappear. They eliminate themselves out of your life because you've kind of leveled up to a different version of yourself. And so I thought, okay, well, given that self love
is the biggest topic. How can I talk about it from a scientific standpoint instead of just saying just to do this one thing or just say something, you know, I want to give the science behind why an affirmation is helpful and how to give yourself a positive affirmation that works, the science behind why the way you were brought up does impact your life now, but how you can change that and just you know, all these things end up impacting how you interpret or how you perceive
yourself and how you love yourself.
Well, let's talk about that, because something that you just touched on was, you know, an affirmation. So could you kind of break down and give us an example. So personally, I'm a huge person that I love affirmations.
I really like.
Of course they've got to mean a lot to me, but I really can like get in the zone and I have I actually have three affirmations I focus on and they change according to like my goals and how I'm feeling. But for example, can you break down why affirmations are great and how I guess they scientifically work because I don't actually know.
I just know they work for me. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely, And look, they I think a lot of people think that affirmations, if they've tried them, they don't work. And the reason why maybe some people feel that way to start with is because sometimes somebody who's grown up with a very set way of thinking of you know, I'm worth this, I deserve this. My relationships are bad because of X. Like, if you have these constant thoughts, it becomes really difficult to think of a thought that's very
far from that. And so because sometimes it feels so far fetched, you end up quickly canceling it out in your own mind, saying that's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie. So what I always say to people is you have to learn how to get an affirmation to really work for you. And the first thing you can do is to neutralize the thought as much as possible. So if you're saying to yourself, oh, I'm a failure, I'm a failure, I'm a failure, that's very very negative.
And then if I were to say to yourself start telling yourself that you're successful, that person's going to say, well, no, I'm not, And I feel like an idiot, and I feel like I'm lying to myself. That's ridiculous. So then they don't even try. So then what I would say is neutralize that thought. Just think I failed at and name a specific thing that you failed at. So that way, instead of beings so universal, you bring it down to the specifics. Then expand on that and say I failed
at this. However, I'm capable of passing if I did this, you know, so you start to make statements that start to become believable. Once a statement like that doesn't seem so far fetched, you then get that person to say
I'm capable of passing things. Get rid of the word failure, and then from capable, and you start to expand, expand, expand, And once that person starts to have a more positive opinion of themselves and they can say positive statements, you start to increase it and increase it and increase it. Everyone obviously starts at a different level when it comes to affirmation. Some people straight off the bat can start saying things that feel exciting to them from the beginning.
But what you have to think is is this believable for me? It doesn't have to be believable right now in my reality, but is it believable? The moment something becomes believable, you can just subcontract that to your subconscious mind, and then your subconscious mind will start repeating and repeating and repeating when you don't even have to put in the effort of thinking that thought and something. Sorry, I just want to peeedback off that there.
So you're saying, what the why the affirmations work of seeing to believe at first? But is it because it is then in your subconscious.
Yes, So then once something is in your subconscious, then you start to behave in a way that reflects that internal belief. It's called an internal working model, and it's our beliefs around ourselves, our capabilities, and how the world is going to treat us. So everyone's gone. And I talk a little bit about it in the book about your internal working model. But once you can do enough training on yourself and how you perceive people in the world,
then that internal working model starts to change. And so then if you've got an idea of let's take study, for example, if you have ingrained in yourself that you're capable of passing when you sit down to do something, you have primed yourself to know that you can do it, even if you have even started studying the subject yet you haven't started even learning, but you know you're capable.
So the way you start learning, you're a lot more relaxed, you're a lot more receptive to things that you're going to learn. You're willing to do something that is difficult or that appears to be difficult, versus if you're saying I'm a failure, I'm a failure, and a failure, you'll sit down, you be so stressed, you'll psych yourself out, and you will fail. It becomes this kind of this self fulfilling prophecy.
Almost another concept in the book that I really want you to expand on me because I haven't.
Really I don't know.
I've heard a couple of people talk about it. But then the way you said it in the book, I had this like massive light bulb moment, which I love because there's so many concepts in your book like that.
So you were kind of saying in the book your future self and how we have these rose colored glasses for a future self, like thinking, we're going to have so much, you know, motivation, and we're going to do their things, and I'll be that person once I become that person, And then you're kind of like your future self is your current self, So like.
What do you mean? And I loved it. My mind was like, oh my, I think so yeah, so so simple and so good, so simple, let's talk about this. Yeah, when you come to the realization. So basically, if you think about who you are today is based on all the things you've thought and done in the past up until this very moment, then you think, Okay, if that's the case, then who I am next week or in
a year. It's not what I'm doing in the future, it's what I'm doing right now is going to determine my future self because right now I'm who you are right now, who I am right now. We are a representation of our past, of our past week, year, decade, you know, everything we do, our routines, our life, what we've achieved, that's just a representation of the past. What we're doing right now is then going to determine our future.
And often when we will get all excited with that, motivated and we say I'm gonna do this, I'm going to do that, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop it in cake every single night, I'm gonna you know, study, I'll start on Monday, and we instantly. You know, motivation's great when you're sitting on the couch doing the thing that
you say you're going to stop doing. It's so easy to talk about how you're going to eat clean while you're eating you know, a food that you say you're not going to eat, or it's so easy to talk about how you're going to be really determined with your study when you're kind of lying on the beach, being like, on Monday, I'm going to study so hard. It's easy to do that because you are You're giving all the work that you're supposed to be doing to your future self.
You know you're making you're taking the work from yourself and saying, oh, someone else can do it, but that someone else is my future self. But will fall for this lie every single time, will always fall for the lie that our future self will want to do it, even though we've proved to ourself time and time again that our future self when we get to that point, does not want to do it. So if you're not willing to do something now, be aware that your future
self also won't be willing to do it. Don't expect to do something when you want to do it, because if you don't want to do it now, You're not going to want to do it later, So you're going to need something more than just want to get something done, you know. And that's when I always say, even if you do, you know, like ten percent of it or five percent of it, you always say, what am I telling my future self if I don't do this thing
right now? You know, I have to give do a favor for my future self instead of giving more work to the leief tomorrow than me of next week. Something I'd love.
For you to touch on, because that's such a great point of Sometimes I feel like self love can almost get this label that you know, self love is taking a bath and it's not doing the thing and just being kind to yourself, and of course all those things can be self love. But I loved what you said then of self love actually sometimes is like getting up and doing the thing when you don't want to, because that's, yeah, that's what your future self, you know, would do.
How you kind of know that line.
And you know when to push through and like when to step back, and yeah, how do we get there?
I think there's a big difference in understanding the like first that you've got to understand, you know, balance in your own life. So there's a difference between not being in the mood versus being burnt out and you know, really needing to take the time for yourself versus thinking, I'm not in the mood, but I really could be
doing this thing. And then there's also a difference with a lot of people are constantly doing something for people around them, or their work or their job, or things that they absolutely have to do because there's a deadline or they have to do it or they're not going to get paid, versus doing the things that they're passionate about. And we'll always put the things that we're passionate about on the back burner because that's what gets that's what we get to last, and those are the things that
we end up regretting not doing in the future. We look back in five ten years time, and the things that we're most bummed about about ourselves is I wish I had just picked up the guitar five years ago. What that's I've always wanted to do it, and why didn't I do it? Just little things, whether it's just a hobby or whether it's a big passion to change the world, that's the thing that gets to us the most when we didn't dedicate time to what we were
passionate about, you know. And so with self love, when we talk about self love, a lot of the time you have to start. It's just like an itch. All you have to do is start to scratch, and then you'll just keep going and going and going. You know, when you put a bit of time for your future self every single day, you get to a point where not doing it feels so weird.
And well, let's chat about I want to kind of switch gears and chat about happiness because I found it so interesting. Of in the book you discuss like we have three pillars of happiness being connection, growth, purpose, which it's so funny because I don't know if you ever do this with books, but like I'm reading it and I'm like, of course that makes so much sense. But before you said these are the three pillars of happiness, I always do this thing where I like, I try and guess.
It wasn't correct, and then you said them, and I was like, oh, of course, I love that.
It's just like a silly side note. Can you tell us some ways, just maybe some quick examples of how how we can strengthen these three pillars, and I guess like bring them as priorities because they are so simple. But I feel like a lot of us are not really prioritizing these.
Yeah, totally, So you've got it, so we'll break them down. Connection. You've got to look at connection and is real connection. So I think a lot of people wearing a you know, it sounds a bit counterintuitive when you're talking about yourself to then talk about connection with other people than others, but you've got to look at it as true connection. Often we're so quote unquote connected with emails, phones, you know, social media, all of that, but that's not a really
real authentic connection. A true connection is like how often do you actually sit down and talk to somebody and not even have your phone on the table and just have it put away? And the same goes for the other person when you're just talking, just the two of you, really just talking about and your phone's on silent. Not
very often. That doesn't happen that often. And if you're someone who's not social connected to nature, how often you outside with no music, nothing playing in your ears, like nothing and just being outside and feeling connected or the same goes with an animal. So if you don't have to have connection with people to work on your connection.
But it's this idea of how often am I actually present in the moment with the intention to feel connected either to the earth, an animal, my relatives, my best friends. So that's one thing to focus on. When you start doing that every single day, you start to feel really grounded and calm, because one of the biggest the worst things you can do to someone is solitary confinement. You know, remove them from any chance connection, and that's just the
worst torture. So give yourself that and be the person at the table who while everyone's on the phone, you're not on your phone, and you don't even have to make a comment. You can just look around. I sometimes do that on purpose, if everyone's on the phone, I'll purposely put my phone away and I'll be like, let's just observe, let's be present and look around, And then people are like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, And you don't
have to say a thing. You know, sometimes it's really good to do that, and you realize, I don't know, I feel like you just end up feeling more connected. You're not even annoyed that people on your phone because you're just that present. So that's connection. Then there's growth. Growth is I always look at you always look at your life like everything's moving all the time. People are always changing your life, situations changing, people are growing up,
you're becoming more mature. So if you're not constantly focusing on your own growth, you're going to feel like you're falling behind and that the world is passing you by. And that's one of the worst feelings to feel because you feel like maybe you haven't fulfilled your potential and you don't want to get to your end off your life feeling that way. So when you think about growth, you want to look at your what you do, and it doesn't have to be in every area. It can
just be one area at a time. But feel that by the end of the day, I want to have experienced or learned something that I haven't already done in my life, you know. So I always say to people, if you're lost for ideas, start a really random thing to get good at, like a Rubik's cube or like something so basic, or you know, start learning a language on one of those apps or whatever. It's something where you're like, wow, I've actually given myself something that I
never had. And the beauty about growth is it's earned. You can't buy it, you can't borrow it. It earned and when you earn something, it feels good to earn something, you know, So I always say, try and earn as much as you can, try and earn a good relationship with somebody, earn a great connection, earn knowledge, and it feels very fulfilling to do that. And then the last one, which is purpose, is try and do something every day that makes you feel that you could do that. The
more you do it, the better you feel. You know. Sometimes we do things that are really good and we feel a really great outside ourselves, but they're draining, and purpose shouldn't feel draining. And I think a lot of people get tied up on the idea of purpose because they think they have to be changing the world or they have to be influencing so many people in order
for it to be a purpose. And my main go to, I think I haven't said it in the book, but my main go to for someone who has no idea what their purpose is is to make three strangers smile a day. Make that your purpose for the next week. And you feel so good when you make three strangers smile. It could even be just by looking at them and smiling. It could be by going up to a total random and say, I love your perfume. Amazing, you know anything, but it's this little thing. And then you feel so good.
You feel better in yourself than the person you just complimented with, the person you just smiled at. It's such an amazing feeling, and you think, wow, something so simple. It's so easy to positively influence someone's day, or to do something little. I'll grub up that piece of rubbish and put it in the bin whatever. But make your purpose so basic, and then you realize that it's quite
easy to feel that feeling. We make it up in our head that it's got to be this crazy, big thing for humanity, but you already are doing something big for humanity. If you're making somebody feel better about themselves.
You know, it's almost like you could have those almost like three columns and you kind of just like tick off something every single day exactly.
That's beautiful.
All right, let's again switch gears and this part of your book, the chapters called validation, self worth, and confidence. Yes, this chapter hit hard for me because I've definitely aware of this for you know, years now, But my early twenties,
validation really controlled me. Started off with my parents, and you know, I really made decisions of rather than leaning into, you know, what felt authentically me or what I really wanted to what was going to make me happy, it was always about validation and then you know, that was my self worth and that would then control my confidence.
So I loved this chapter.
Something that I'd love for you to kind of like touch on a bit more is like when validation is positive first negative? Because I love that you did touch on that you know it can be positive.
Yeah, I think people it's natural to want to be validated to an extent. Like said earlier, when I when we talk about connection, how I said, connection is vital. You know, it's a human need and if we don't have it, we suffer so much. So given that, it makes sense that needing to fit into your community, family, tribe, whatever you want to call it, is also a human need. We have to to an extent fit in in the sense of we don't want to be outed, okay, or
we don't want to be rejected or abandoned. So understanding that that's a human need you feel less bad about the fact that you might value validation from external sources so much. But you have to kind of break it up into different categories, like what is validation that I shouldn't feel bad about wanting? And what's validation that I
should care less about? And I think that the validation that's truly important is you got to ask yourself, does this person who I'm seeking validation from have my best interest at heart? Like do they really care for me? And even if they do, it doesn't matter if you don't agree with them, and if they turn around and say, I actually don't like what you're doing, whatever, it doesn't matter. But sometimes it's comforting to know that they understand you
and care about you. Another thing to think about is if this person's a mentor. Do I look up to this person because I respect the work they've done, because I'm learning from them, because they're a protector or whatever it is. If you see this person as a mentor who can help you in your journey, that's a great person to seek validation from in not in every aspect of your life, but in maybe your work for example,
and also you know, colleagues, co workers, whatever. Sometimes it is healthy to seek validation as far as your work is concerned or whatever. You're working on your craft, but every other form of validation you have to really be ruthless and say is their opinion worth like is it does it directly impact my life? Directly? Does what I do directly impact their life? So often the main one that people feel is towards their parents. Like you mentioned,
it's a huge one. Parents have this idea of how they want their child to live their life, and they're not doing it. Most of the time. Parents are doing it because they love They love you, They want this, so their idea for great life, they've imprinted that on you, and they presume that you have the same idea of what a great life is. So they want it for you and they think that you should want it to And that's very normal. And they're not doing it because
they're trying to make your life difficult. They're doing it because they're trying to help you and they really want the best for you. But you've got to ask yourself. You know yourself more than anyone else knows you, and you have to ask yourself. By me not doing that degree, or by me not having this lifestyle or by me not dating that person and dating this person that I want to date. Is it directly impacting my parents' life? And what I've bean by directly is are they involved
in that decision making process and should they be? And most cases the answer is no. It only indirectly affects them in the sense that they're like, oh, but I have an idea for you and you and now I'm sad because now I have to erase that idea and have a new idea. And that's a lot of effort for a lot of people. And so you always have to think is this a direct impact or indirect? And if the answer is indirect, then keep going as you are,
keep doing what you're doing. If it's directly impacting someone, that's when you consult with them. That's when you think, okay, listen, let's talk about it. Like if you're thinking I'm going to move to another city but you're married with children, that directly impacts your partner, you absolutely have to discuss that, do you know what I mean? So there's not many times that it does directly impact and that's when you seek validation from the other person, validation from your ideas
and whatever. That's when you work together. But if it's an indirect thing, you think, I'm sorry that you have to You have to be ruthless and keep that separation.
So important and also just so important to have those boundaries in place massively, massively.
And a lot of the time, you know, we give too much away. Sometimes we ask for we ask for approval when we know someone's not going to approve. Stop asking for approval if you're not prepared for whatever, for any answer. A lot of the time people ask for approval hoping to get an answer. Don't hope when it comes to when you ask for approval. If you're asking for something, be prepared for anything. Otherwise, don't ask and just do it. You know.
Also, what's your kind of take on Well, maybe I won't ask that because that's such an open end aggression. But if we're talking about self worth, obviously, you know the whole book is you give so many tips on because you know your self worth is very much attached to your self love.
But like with self worth.
What is something that we can do to strengthen our self worth?
Yes, so when you look at self worth, I think one of the best things you can do is obviously focusing on those three pillars before about growth and all of that, but you also have to One thing that I love to do is I love to remind myself of a time where I wished that I was living the life that I'm living now, Because it's really easy to feel down on yourself because you've got pressures, external pressures, there's expectations you yourself, have deadlines that you have to
fulfill that you've set up for yourself. But then sometimes and you feel really down and you think I'm not doing enough. I'm not this, I'm not that. It just feels like you're not enough sometimes, and then I like to remind myself the time where I really felt like, wow, I wish I could work for myself. That's one thing that I used to really so badly want And now you know, I look back and when I'm feeling really bummed and down and I've got so much on my plate,
I think, well, okay, take a step back. You can try and like ease the load, but also think about a time where you would have killed for this life, like this is amazing, and you've achieved that yourself, Like you've done that for yourself, So try and remind yourself of these things often, because you know, ten twenty years can pass and you might have never turned around and thought about where you are now, and the fact that you did that, you know, and that can help you
feel worthy because you want to be worthy in your own eyes. It's easy to be worthy in someone else's eyes here and there. You know, you keep changing the person that you're worthy, and you know that's fine, but it's not that easy to feel worthy in your eyes consistently. So it's something that you always have to be reminding yourself of the things that you've done for you and it helps you feel worthy. That that is so powerful. And I was like just thinking, I was like, I
need to do this more. You do? You do? And you, I mean like you've done so much with your life, and it's it's easy to just keep going and going and going and going, because you, you know, keeps adding up and adding up and there's more and more work to do. But then it's also so important to just pause and be like, where was that a year ago? And what did I want? And I'm probably pasted that I've probably done more than that and I haven't even stopped. As in other Roses.
That's so true. I actually did something like that recently where I didn't hit a certain like, you know, work goal that I had set for myself, and I was just feeling a bit down and a bit deflated, and I had to remind myself of being like, yeah, do you literally remember when you used to work in.
Nine to five?
All you wanted was like something for yourself and to you know, even the fact that my all my businesses are based on empowering women. And if like I could go back and you know, tell my old self that, she would be like, are you kidding me?
So imagine exactly. Yeah, I had to have that remind us. So that's so good.
The last thing that I want to tattoo about alexis and I loved reading this in the book because this podcast something I'm just so huge about. You know, one of our tag lines is like to be your authentic self. When you're your authentic self and you're in alignment, like you're you're unstoppable, that is where your power lies. And that comes from a very personal place of Again, in my early twenties, I very much was trying to be everyone but myself. Could you kind of unpack that I remember.
The sentence says, you know, being your authentic self is one of the greatest forms of self love, and I loved reading that.
Can you umpact that and talk to us about that? Yeah, for sure. So look at it from reverse. When you're not being your authentic self, you know, when you interact with people, when you're you know, working, when you're trying to get your crush to notice you. When you're not being who you are, you're basically telling yourself who I actually am and what I have to offer is not enough, So I now have to and to be this in order to be enough. So instantly you are self consciously
telling yourself, oh, not good enough, not good enough. We need to pretend. We need to grab this, We need to you know, grab all this stuff to fluff up who we are, and then I might just be good enough for that crush to talk to me, for that person to whatever. And the reason that we don't act as our authentic or not act, the reason we don't just be our authentic self in a lot of moments,
is because we see it as vulnerability. We think, if I get rejected when I'm really my authentic self, then I can't fathom the pain, like that's just too much to handle. So when not vulnerable, we don't put ourselves out there completely vulnerably. We have the wall up. We have these you know, we add to who you are,
and you're not completely the true you. You pretend or you behave in a certain way that's going to please someone, and then you still get or it might get rejected and then you think, oh god, you know, I was trying so hard and even then they didn't like me. What you need to understand is that being vulnerable and being who you are and then still getting rejected is not more painful than being rejected when you're not vulnerable. I think we think that vulnerability is the worst pain
in the world, but it's not. It's the best time saver you could ever engage in in your life being vulnerable because you eliminate so many people that are not really they're interested in who you are. You eliminate so many connections that are just not right for you. By being your authentic self, you do yourself a huge favor. Yeah, I think that if you were to turn around and say, you know what, I'm going to approach the situation just being me, still being polite and respectful, but being me.
And if I don't like something, I don't have to pretend I like it. If I don't agree with someone, I don't have to pretend I agree with them. I can still be super respectful and you know, all of the above, but just be me. When you do that, you start to feel a lot calmer, You start to stop needing people to like you, and you become a lot more okay with the fact that the people that like you probably really like you because it's the real you and the people that don't. It's not even a
personal stab. It's just like I don't like everyone, and I don't hate the people that I don't like. I'm just not that interested in hanging around them, do you know what I mean? It's just understanding that when you are your true self, your authentic self, you have so much less pressure on yourself, You put less pressure on situations, and when someone likes you, it's so carefree because they're liking you for you.
You know, that is just such incredible advice. Alexis, thank you so much for joining us on the party today and sharing so much wisdom with us.
Guys.
Obviously, if you want to dig it deeper into the neuroscience of self love. You have to pick up Alexis book. Can we find it in all good book places?
Yea, there should be in all major bookstores like Dimmix, Kmart, bigw all of those, and then online. I think the main one online would be booked Topia. That would probably be the easiest one. Yeah.
Love, And just to end the episode, Alexis, if someone can do one thing today for themselves to you know, increase their self love and work on it, what could they do?
God, that's a good question. You only pick one and then they've got to find the rest of the book. Okay, to pick one thing to increase their self love, I would say, because this is my favorite thing to do. Dedicate alone time, not just today, but every single day, a pocket of alone time. That to me is like the biggest form of self love, being alone, even if just for thirty minutes, ten minutes, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I love that so much. I love alone time. I am like my own best friend because I just need it to I'm very introverted, but I love that so much.
I feel like I'm right on the cusp of the two and when I've realized that, I felt like such a relief. I'm like, Okay, I don't have to just identify with one because I'm so social. But then I get to the point where I'm like, if I'm not I'm gonna explode.
I'm the exact same, and I think people find it's so interesting when I tell them I'm quite introverted, So like, what do you mean all you do is like talk to people and show up to like hundreds of thousands of people online, and I'm like, I know, but one hundred percent I would be similar to you on the cast, where I love to be social and I love connection, but I really need my alone time to recharge.
And yeah, best for sure, Grimmar. Well, thank you so much, Alexis.
Could you let the audience know obviously we know where to get your book, but where to find you and your podcasts?
Yep, So the podcast is called do You Fucking Mind? And that's just wherever you listen to your podcast, and it's spelt like do you f asterisk asterix asterix, I g mind, And then on Instagram it's I've got the probably my personal one. I post more than the podcast one, but the podcast one is DYFM podcast long, I'm trying even know that, And then my own one is is Alexis pread as like pire d is it amazing?
And I'll make sure I link those in the show notes, so don't worry to.
Start it out amazing. Thank you, Thank you so much, Alexis, Thank you for having me.
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