Finding yourself again with Emily East * Motherhood series E2 *

Rise and Conquer Podcast. This is the podcast where we ch have mindset, self development and becoming your higher self mix soon with a lot of laughs, plus behind the scenes of my life running two businesses and being among Think of us as the perfect combo of brunch with your besties mixed with self development. No matter where you are in your journey, we're here to help you be curious,

pull yourself out and embrace radical self awareness. If you're ready to get into the driver's seat of your own life and stop letting life past you by, then you're in the right place. Hello and welcome back to the R and C Potty. Today we have the second episode of our Motherhood series in celebration of our brand new course Rebirth, Doing Motherhood on your Own Terms, And today we have the author of Like a Mother, Emily East,

joining us for such an incredible episode. So I actually read Emily's book a while back and she sent it to the rn C HQ, and it was so beautiful. It's such a beautiful reflection of you know, postpartum and being a mum. In this episode, we really dive into how difficult it can be to step into this new version of yourself when you're becoming a mum. We also chat about the importance of mastering delayed gratifydestion, getting triggered by emotions that our children show, and shifting from the

doing mode to the being mode. Honestly, this was just such an incredible chat. I just resonate with everything Emily says, and you can tell she has like been in the trenches like so much, just real life experience, and she is just she's going for it, and it's so incredible to see, you know, like a mom, you know, showing up and she's doing the things and she's following her purpose. So I think you guys are just going to absolutely

love this episode. And also we'll put all the links in the show notes so you can grab her book. But before we get into the episode, a tea A weekly recommendation, please, My weekly recommendation is a bit left field. It's just to try something you haven't done before and get really out of your comfort zone, but don't put pressure on yourself to.

was feeling overwhelmed. And I also just absolutely loved that me and Tim took it just us, because I think when you become a parent, you often think that your life is like not over. But I remember when I first had IV, I even thought, oh my god, well me and Tim are never gonna get time together, and like we're never gonna travel because it's so difficult with a baby, and we're never gonna, I guess, have that romance again. And you really fall into this trap of, oh,

that's not for me. I have a child, and even though you know it's difficult because you have to find someone took after them, or you've got to travel with them, and it's obviously more difficult. It's definitely a challenge, but your perspective around it is everything. And I just fucking love that me and Tim were on this trip and there was no guilt around it. There was like, we absolutely deserve this. And when me and Tim are filling up our own buckets and our relationship buckets. IVY benefits

from that like one hundred and ten percent. And that has been one of the coolest shifts that I have done in regards to doing identity work around what it means for me to be a mum. And that's what the whole new course of rebirth is about, is to do motherhood on your own terms. And I really really want to clarify, like if you're someone where you're like motherhood or on my own terms doesn't mean holidays away from my child, amazing, That's incredible, and that's what motherhood

means for you. But it's like it's really getting to this point where you don't see any limitations and you don't see any Oh, well, I have to do this because that's just what moms do. Yeah, Or I have to you know, be this person in my relationship which I don't even want to be, because that's what I have to be. And you can really bring it back

to like what do I want? What do why I want to be in regards to being a leader for my family, and it was just really it's really incredible because obviously, you know we're currently running rebirth and doing all the promo for it for me and Tim to actually be like living it of like role models for Ivy and role models for what we want our relationship to be, was even so incredible, and we had so many conversations about it, and it was it was just

really beautiful because it was like celebrating our five year wedding anniversary. And yeah, it was bliss.

working closely with their parents. And that was all around using my knowledge of positive psychology, how to use the brain, how to train the brain. I had such a deep understanding of how the brain worked that if someone felt uncomfortable or they were having a hard time, I could use their intellect and I could use what I knew about the brain to help them to feel well. It was all about mindset for me, and that then really

morphed into the corporate space. So I was working with really big banks and big universities working with their employees again to how to manage their energy, how to be resilient. And again it was all through mindset and intellect work and really positive psychology stuff, and everything was going well.

So if it was working for me to that point, and if anything, any emotions came up that felt uncomfortable, you know, put a positive affirmation over it, do some meditation to sort of push it aside or to swap it with something else, and on you go. So I was a very positive you know, put lipstick on, pig silver lining on every single thing. So that was sort of my vibe. And then I became a mom. I had my first son, and and I felt like my

whole world just crumbled around me. I felt like the way that I saw myself had changed, the way that I wanted other people to see myself had changed. The things that I thought were me that came that made me so. I was, you know, playing competitive sports I have, I was teaching hot yoga, I would have a cocktail with my girlfriends on the weekend, and all of a sudden that was sort of taken away from me, and it was like, but that's who I thought. I was like,

so who am I now? And what is actually happening? And I tried soorry hard to squeeze my new self into my old life using those mindset tools that I had built my career off, so mindset, brain, intellect. And then I had a gorgeous little surprise. I became pregnant again with number two, and that was just five months postpartum, so he was a beautiful little surprise. But up until then, I had been to feel like I was experiencing. Before I got pregnant again, I was experiencing these emotions that

I'd never felt before. When I became a new mum, I felt greater levels of sadness, I felt greater levels of depression, of loneliness, and I thought I can't. I felt really alone, like am I the only one going through this massive change? I feel like my life has literally just crumbled, and so for it. So what I thought to get back onto it. I thought, it's okay. Soon soon I'll stop breastfeeding. Soon my son won't need

me as much anymore. And to live my life again, I'll just pick where I lift off and or carry on like nothing's changed. I'll go back to work, I'll add mum on my to do list, and I'll be okay again. Once I get my life back, I'll be okay again. And I sort of have this vision of like this beautiful, this statue of me and my life and how I saw myself and it just shattered. But I spent so much time trying to piece it back together and put it back together, and that's what I

thought I needed to do. And then when I became pregnant for the second time, was like, well, farket's just all going to smash again. And that was the moment that I really thought, I really surrendered to it, and I thought, you know what, I get an opportunity now to build a new statue and create a new life and create a new self because I'm going to be a mum for a really long time and it's sort of like I'm gonna like forever. This is a lifelong thing. Why am I trying to fight it? Why am I

trying to squeeze back into my old life? It's time to like that girl has gone, She's not here anymore. I've experienced things that have changed me. I've felt deeper love, I've felt deeper fear. I've done things I never thought that I could do. And I'm a different person. And so the moment that I surrendered to that, the moment that I stopped trying to squeeze back into those things that I thought made up who I was, was the moment that I almost set myself free. And during that time,

like I got a one on one coach. I worked intensively with a coach I did, you know, nervous system healing. I became a sematic therapist. I did a Central Semantics course where I did things around sexual expression and femininity, and then I learned how to facilitate that with other women and you know, trauma based healing and breastwork, and I really dove in and committed to my own healing and journey and I wrote about it, and I wrote about my experience, and that is my book with Like

a Mother. So yeah, I think you can really see my journey where you know, the first part of it is about the mind and is about the brain and intellect, which I think is so important and particularly as mothers, to understand a little bit about our little babies human brains and where they're at with development. I think that's really healthy and really helpful. And then I go deeper into into inner wisdom and to intuition and to instinct and I tap into in my journey, in my own healing,

I tapped into that deeper side of me. And it was more so about I learned that my children's well being really blied on how could stand up for myself and how in touch I was with my intuition and my instincts and to danding my knowing when other people were telling me, telling me I was doing something wrong because I know what's best for my kids. And and it really fed and it really grew my confidence as

a mum. And you know, I went from going from all mindset to both I need my I need all my wisdom, and there's so much wisdom and intellect that resides in my body that I was missing, that I was really missing out on. So I feel like I come from a more holistic approach now when it comes to that. But that's the journey and that's my book. So now what I do. I'm at home with my

babies most of the time. I have my Oh my god, my oldest has just turned four, and my second is about to turn three, and I'm currently pregnant with number three. I'm sixteen weeks pregnant. So I'm wearing my favorite dreams at the moment that I dare say will be the

last time I wear them. And I run an online community called Soule Nation where we run full moon and New Moon rituals with other mums who just committed to using the shifts and the lessons that we learned from motherhood to really create that statue and decide who, who and I want to create and what life do I want to lead Because I also think that nothing, there's no nothing that really can that can compare to motherhood when it comes to personal development, because it demands that

we show up for ourselves and our children. So that's me, George.

so incredible to you talk about it. And it's so interesting because I resonate so much much with what you're saying in regards to becoming a mom and it being this like the most transformative, the most like, oh my god, my life will never be the same, and really struggling at the start of trying to fit back into your old self or trying to go back to your old self.

And I truly believe, like personally that's what really for lack of a better world, fucked me up for a year postpartum, because it's like that person is gone, She's not there anymore, and when you're trying to get back to her to just this constant disappointment, and it's just not healthy to try and go backwards, when if you think about life, we're going forward and we're moving forward and if you can really learn how to and this

is like I think you probably resonate with. I used to be the biggest control freak, and so I think that's why I struggled so much, because you're trying to control the most uncontrollable, you know, little human and how

life is supposed to be. And I think there's something so beautiful in having that full reckoning I guess of being like, oh wow, I'm not going backwards, I'm going forward, and I actually get to decide what this journey is like because before that I was like, it's it's almost like I lost autonomy, I lost the I get to decide, which is so interesting because before I came in mom like I'm a manifestation coach, like that's that's who I am.

And it's like, because I was experienced something I had never experienced, I forgot that I actually had so much choice in how a shop and so much choice in regards to how it could be. But again, it's you don't have those tools, so it gets to be this beautiful, beautiful journey. So that's yeah, it's incredible.

that I have, and that's just not the case. We can be both, we can feel into both at the same time.

I would actually love to touch on this. I want to go straight into because I loved the part in your book where you spoke about too much happiness and I'm gonna read I just so that RNC listeners can hear, and it went like, even though I focused on positive psychology, in my studies. It took me some time to learn this. After I graduated, the popularity of movies like The Secret, The Heel documentary, and the work of Lewis Hay only plunged me deeper into the shadow side of positive psychology.

I was terrified of thinking a negative thought, Scared that if I allowed these parts of me in, I would manifest a life I didn't want, or create an illness that would knock my cotton socks right off, not in a good way. I felt something was wrong with me if I wasn't feeling good all the time. I became so obsessed with the pursuit of happiness that I would be overly grateful for a cup of coffee. I lacked the confidence to send it back if it was gold.

I was obsessed with this passage because coming from a similar background where it's like I first got into manifesting with this secret and those sorts of things where it's like your thoughts are your reality. So it's like you think one bad thing. And it's really interesting because we've actually been having this conversation in the RNC community lately, literally just a couple of podcasts ago. It was like, do bad thoughts create a bad life and really debunking that.

And I loved that you touched on this in your book, and I would love for you to kind of share a bit more because I just I think it's such a beautiful journey, because I feel like a lot of people, you get into self development and it's so much positive psychology, and it's it is amazing, it's incredible, credible, and it's life changing. But then I truly do feel like there's then the next step of you know, going into the

shadow side and really exploring that. So I'd love for you to express how you went through that.

it that way. But I think when positive psychology and things like manifesting get rolled out into mainstream, I think they simplify it, We water it down, and we put a pretty little bow on it so that everyone can understand it. And that was sort of a little bit of me and I didn't realize the full scale of positive psychology. So Martin Seligman was the founder of this term positive psychology. But in his book he actually says

that he despises the word happiness. And one of his book is called authentic Happiness, and he said it's only called happiness because he publishers said it would tell more. But that was something that I missed. He was like, it's not living a life of meaning and living a life for fulfillment doesn't mean you're happy all of the time. And motherhood really woke me up to that because I

didn't have that luxury. It does not motherhood does not provide me with the luxury of pushing down my uncomfortable emotions, because it forces me to face them. I experienced the broadest range of emotions on the daily. My kids pushed me to the absolute extreme that I didn't have that luxury anymore that I had to really learn to face my shit, and it sort of all came up to the surface, and so I had to learn to deal with it. I had to learn to manage it and

sit with it. And be okay with it and sort of move on in that way and be a little bit more compassionate to myself and understand that this is a human experience and I'm going to feel a range of things and that's just what life is and that's what we're here for.

twenty four to seven. You get to feel the emotions, you get to express yourself, and you get to go on those journeys. Because also something I speak about is like when you're not feeling good, you know, quote unquote good or happy, those are the moments that are most transformative to me because it's it's bringing a mirror to something I want to work on or something I get to work through, or it's bringing a mirror to what

my boundaries are, what my standards are. And it's like, if we never had those moments of telling you those movements, of feeling those feelings, we wouldn't know who we are, We wouldn't know what we want, we wouldn't know, you know, what we what's our purpose in life? If that makes sense. So I truly resonate with so much, like it's not all rainbows and butterflies. But it's like I even say, like, you know, this is probably simplifying it a bit, but

it's like, how boring. Imagine just being happy all the time, having no challenges, and it's like there would be nothing to talk about.

the statue crumbling. And I would love for you to kind of touch on how we can not identify so much like I'm at this, I'm at that, and more identify with our purpose and what that transition looked.

So the moment that I let that go, and I think really holding on to the way that we see ourselves really restricts our growth because it doesn't allow us to evolve. It just keeps its stuck in that place where we want to be and where we think we

need to be. And the moment that I let that go, the moment that I let go of who I thought I was and who I thought made me me, gave me opportunities to find out who that really was, to really create that and go about it in a completely different way, and to sort of live on your purpose. I feel like purpose can feel really heavy, and it feels like, oh, I've got to have a purpose if I want to live a really good life, Like what

the fuck's my purpose? I don't know, do I need a mission statement or something, or like, how do I even know what my purpose is? But I truly truly believe that our purpose is us. My purpose is me, Your purpose is you. It's to live your best life and to come here and express what you're meant to express and what you're meant to do, whatever that looks like, and to actually sort of put that into something tangible that we can do. There's this exercise that I love

to do in discovering your purpose emotions. So if you were to sit down in a quiet space for a moment and think about, you know, a really significant memory perhaps between when you were born and when you're five or seven, and then think of another memory from when you seven to you know, a teenager, and then from there to the rest of your life. So you're thinking of really significant memories that stand out to you in

your life that have meant something to you. So, for example, for me, one of my memories that really stands out for me is when I was really little. Is I was ten. It was my tenth birthday. I ran in to see my granddad and I was like, Granddad, I'm ten today, it's my birthday. And he was like, oh, your double figures today, and I'm like, what does that mean? Granddad? And he sat me on his knee and he told me what double figures meant, And in that moment, I

wrote down all of my emotions that I felt. In that moment, I felt special, I felt really important, I felt like I was the center of attention, but in a good way. I felt really loved. And then like another memory that really stands out to me is when my first son was born after labor, like again, I did something that I thought I couldn't do, like at the end of laby, like mo, fuck this, I'm out, I can't feeld it anymore, but you do. And so once I did, it was like again, I felt really

important and I felt really special. And so you can see that with these memories that really stand out in my life, the emotions that I felt in each of those moments they cross over. There's some there's some themes here. So when so that is what I like to refer to as a purpose emotion. So those emotions stand out to me over the over my lifespan for a reason,

Like those feelings really light me up. So whenever i'm you know, working, or I'm like expressing myself in new relationships or whatever, when I feel those emotions, things that make me feel those purpose emotions. That's what I meant to be doing, So that's me. Those emotions are me, and they help me following those emotions, being in tune with when I feel them. They help me live a

life that's aligned to me, that's true to me. And I think that is how you can live a life of purpose, because I think your purpose is you and being the best you and living the best life that you that you possibly can. I think that's what we're here for.

that that's really really cool. I would love for you to chat about doing verse being because again this is one of my favorite, you know chapters in the book where you wrote about how surrender is the new hustle, which I loved, and how hard it is to actually let go and surrender because it can often be seen as like a weakness, And I would love your tips on stepping out of the doing mindset and more into the being so we can surrender, specifically around being a mother, because,

like I said previously, like I'm a bit of the control freak, and surrender to me previously has felt like a weakness and has felt like something I don't.

was go, go go. It was hustle, hussle, it was washing, it was feeding kids, it was supermarket, it was all of the mum things, to the point where I didn't value myself at all. It was all about my kids. It was all about what I did for them. It was you know, the games that we played, the places that I took them to play, the play dates. It was all about what I did for them, to a

point where I completely burnt I completely burnt out. And I say it and I tell this story in my book, but I was extremely underweight, I was extremely unhappy, and I thought what made me a good mum was what I did for my kids. And it only got to a point where I couldn't go on any longer doing what I was doing. I was going to end up, you know, in a hospital bed. So I had to make some changes. And after some after I was sort of scared from a bit of a healthcare it was like, Okay,

things are going to really need to change. I'm going to start to I need to start to prioritize myself. And I really made that shift of not from what it's not as important. It is important what I'm doing for my kids, but it's really important of who I am. And if I think about the energy that I'm bringing when I'm with my kids in doing mode, it's hustle, it's go. It often causes me stress and my kids pick up more about the energy than what I do for them. And then I thought about, like, what am

I actually really showing my kids. I'm showing them that to love someone, it's more about what you do for them, not about who you are, And that just didn't sit right with me. So I started to use dinner time as such a fun time in it in a house with toddlers, isn't it. I started to use dinner time as my sign post. So previously, in doing mode, dinner time would look like this. Okay, so it gets to

the afternoon. You've been starving your kids for the last three hours in hope that they eat something for dinner. So they're grumpy, they're climbing the walls. You're trying to think of something to make for dinner. You're making it. You've got kids screaming at your ankles. You're trying to put something on the TV to get them to sit still for five seconds, and it's just stressful and you finally might sit down to eat. I'm not eating this,

you know. They're throwing it at the wall, they kick it on the ground, and it's such a beautiful time. And I think of my husband coming home at that moment, and he would literally just be like oof. You'd feel the energy. It would be like you could cut it with the knife. It is. It is stressful, it is manic, it is not fun. And the kids really feed off

that vibe, that is the energy that they feel. So it wouldn't even matter if I served up organic you know, veggies and the most beautiful meal, because what has that cost me? It's cost me my energy to create that. So that became my signpost to go, okay, I'm heavily in doing mode. My signpost and my point of where I really want to switch into being mode. So I started to think, who am I being in this situation? What energy am I bringing to the table when it

comes to dinner time. Now, I put music on, I pull myself a green strenk or a phizzy. I have a soda water in a fancy glass, and we dance, and I, you know, make dinner. And we still might sit down and they still throw their dinner on the floor, but I feel a lot more at peace with it, and they're feeding off my energy, and it's more about what person I am in that moment. And I have beautiful memories of my grandma in the kitchen singing and cooking,

and I still carry that feeling. I still carry that love and that feeling with me now, and I hope that that's what I'm bringing to my children, is that fun energy, that loving energy, that light energy, and me being happy because I think me being happy is being is them being happy rather than stressed and burnt out. So that's just a real like, don't get me wrong, there are times when we need to switch into that doing mode, Like I know you've tried to put it

other in a car seat. There are times where we need to be into doing. But quite often, and particularly in our culture, it's glorified that doing and it's like, you know, oh, how's your day. Busy, busy, busy, And it's almost like you get an award for being the busiest person and for doing the most. So it's really hard because we really attach our self worth with our productivity and how much we get done. And again it's

hard to let that go. But the moment that you do, you're like, oh, you just feel your shoulders soften, and the kids are different and you're different, and it's just yeah. So for anyone listening who's sort of really interested in switching between those I would say, choose a moment where you feel like you're in doing mode the most, and use that as a signpost to really ask yourself, what energy am I bringing right now? Who am I being in this moment, and do you know, make a shift in that way.

to feel the difference. And it's funny because I even have evidence of that of Yo, this this this one day, I was, I was having a stressful day. I had some you know, issues with whatever is happening at work, and I wasn't intentionable how I came home. I think I was, you know, cooling my podcast manager on the

way home and blah blah blah. And I got in the door and I remember Ivy like, and there's such such energetic like beings when they're little, and I remember, you know, going to pick her up and her not wanting to go to me in crime, and I remember having that moment where I was like, you're so right because my energy is like so off right now. And obviously, you know, my life looks a bit different because I'm

not at home with Ivy all the time. But being very intentionable about how am I actually being in the moment and is it worth me yelling at Tim for I don't know, not doing something I asked or this and that, or is it more intentional about me being in an energy that Ivy can be like, oh wow, I love spending time with Mama, you know, and they they feel that, and I think once you can hack that and understand that, like you said, it also brings so much pressure off you and you're like, oh, I

don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have everything done because they're just more worried about, you know, me being here with them. And so that's why I've been so intentional that having that transition time and being like Okay, now I'm mum Georgie and I can go in and I am you know, not gonna look at the washing. I'm not gonna go straight into the being

because I've just done that all day. So I love that you touch on that something also I want to chat about, and I've been a bit obsessed with this topic right now, and it's delayed gratification. So I love that where you spoke about how true change is like hidden in our small habits and how important it is for us to master delayed gratification. Are you able to share some tips on this and how it's kind of really related to things a bit more as being a.

off making us feel that way. So I think having an awareness around that it's really hard. But in my book, I sort of talk about the one percent is And what I mean by that is when we want to make a change, or we want to make shifts, or we're going through some change, quite often we feel like we need to go all in or make really big grand gestures to get anywhere, and we want it right now.

So we want to see results now. We've got to do something big to get something results right away, And in my experience, particularly with motherhood, that's just not the way that we can create sustainable change. So the one percentas are those little tiny things that you don't eve and know that you're doing them, and they're so easy to not do, but they're also so easy to do

as well. So you know, I use an example in the book about going to the gym, Like if you wanted to get fit, you wanted to change, you know, the way that you were caring for your body. You don't go to the gym one day for nine hours. You go consistently for twenty minutes, an hour, thirty minutes over a time, and then you know, while a you're you sort of you can make changes that way. So when I'm talking about how I've related it to sort of motherhood, I think about what really stands out is

my relationship with my husband, like through motherhood. It is not very glamorous motherhood and parenthood is it. So it can be hard to sort of keep any romance or spark alive. So if I want to sort of make changes on I feel closer to my husband, what I've did really early on in my in my journey was I'd plan a date night. I'd plan a date night. It would be tricky to find someone, you know, to come and have two kids who can put them to bed, because they're paining the ass to put to bed sometimes

I was still breastfeeding. I would it would be sort of like this big ordeal to organize, and you'd finally get it organized. You know, it might be in a week or two weeks, and by the time that you actually get to date night, I've built up these expectations of how I want this night to go in my head, like I know what conversations I want to have. I know that I want to feel like totally in love

with my husband again. I want to have really deep and many feel conversations that I built up this night so big in my head that the reality of it was these expectations are you know, ridiculous and they're not very realistic. So then after date night, I end up more disappointed than I am connected to my husband, and it just feels like, well, a big waste of time,

and I'm back on, you know, three steps backwards. But when it comes to the one percent, I've learned, like, for example, if I want to feel closer to my husband, a one percent, an example might be getting up off wherever I am and greeting him with a kiss as soon as he gets home, like instead of here's a baby, see you later, Hey babe, kiss, how are you going? Like?

That is a one percent, But because they're so easy to do, they're so easy not to do, because we don't get any instant results or any instant feedback that this is working. So you know, I could not I could miss a day of greeting my husband when he gets home, and I think, oh, it doesn't matter, it's it's fine. But that's a decision and that will COMPI compound over time, and I'll feel more distant. So I talk about my obsession with butter in the book George,

where I took about how much other butter? Oh my god. I also because my husband rang me yeah, I.

really I don't think I really want to. But let's just say, for the sake of this conversation, I want to cut back off my butter, going cold turkey or making a big change. And can I just say that it's just been Easter and we've just had hot gotspuns, so you can't not get around the butter. But let's just say, for the sake of it, I want to give up and want to make changes with my relationship, with my disgusting relationship with butter. Asking me to do

it all at once, like cold turkey. No, I'm not even interested in doing that, but I could try, and it might last a week maybe two if my willpower stays really strong and we don't go through Easter time. But if you ask me to just put one percent back, even I can do that, Like I can put one percent of the butter back, and it might probably a normal person probably wouldn't be able to tell it. It

would feel like I'm not making any difference. But I tell you what, if I put one percent back every single day in a year, I'm three hundred and sixty five times better than I was. And that's just math. Like, think about what about compound interest, Like it's going to build and build, and the better I get, the better

the better gets. So that's sort of how I sort of talk about the one percent and how the small things really are the big things even when they don't they don't feel like it or we don't notice it, but they're easy to do and they're super easy not to do, so that's sometimes how we really miss them.

we'd sit in this exact same spot. It was like in house in front of a house that we absolutely loved, and we would spend hours on the beach on our Sunday morning discussing, having deep conversations, and it was such it was like, you know, it was very sacred. We would both never plan anything on a Sunday morning. It

was like our thing. And then since having Ivy, that obviously, you know, dropped away because it's really hard to get a baby to the beach and try and have a deep conversation when they're feeding or crying and all the things. So that dropped away, and I remember kind of, you know, thinking, oh, that was something really special in our relationship. But it's like,

I just don't see how that kind of happens. And so what we have been doing recently is when I wake up on a Sunday, we naturally just awake earlier, so it's usually like an hour before Ivy gets up, and I straight away don't go on my phone, don't do anything like that. I straight away get up, I make me and Tim a coffee, and then I go upstairs open the blinds. We are, you know, so grateful to have water views, and we look at the ocean

together and we have that conversation. Now, sometimes Ivy wakes up ten minutes later and so we've had ten minutes. Sometimes we might get half an hour. And I did notice my brain kind of going, oh, is this even worth it? I won't even bother, But I was like, no, that that actually matters, That ten minutes matters, that intention of us, you know, creating that space together matters. And then how beautiful now that you know Ivy then Joys joins us for a little bit, and then she gets

a bit crazy and we have to go downstairs. But it's about realizing, yeah, those small moments actually matter, and even I think, especially in motherhood, even though it's not going to look like you could previously with making changes, because previously, for example, if you wanted to get on a health kick, well you could go out Sunday, you could meal prep, you could plan your workouts for the week, and you could do a big change in a small

amount of time and feel very accomplished. But those sorts of things when you're a mother, like they're usually just not as available to you. I don't like to, you know, use limiting articulation around it, but it's kind of just what the truth is. So I love that you brought this to the table because even those small, small changes is going to make a big difference, especially over time.

But if you straight away discredit them because they're small, you're doing you and your family such disservice.

got big emotions and she's figuring it all out. And it's quite lucky because I have been doing some like aware parenting courses and you know, really digging into what she's mirroring that's triggering me and I loved how you touched on this in the book, And I remember a part when you were talking about when Zepha was about two and a half years old, and you know, he's expressing a wide variety of emotions, and it was very triggering to you because you express that you suppressed your

emotions and I was the exact same, you know, just in the environment that I was brought up in. So I'd love for you to touch on how we can kind of navigate these moments and why it's so important for us to actually like lean into our children children expressing their emotions.

in us that's the hard part. So if my son is screaming and he is having a hard time, is really angry quite often, the hard part is how I feel in that moment, how I'm feeling when he's like that, and I just want him to stop because I want the feelings within me to stop. So I think you're right. Kids are like this mirror that really shine back on us. And what a beautiful you know, aren't they? Don't they just give us this, you know, such eliquent opportunity to

work on ourselves and really expose our shadows. And it is it's parts of myself that I hit in the shadows for a really long time that I didn't want to admit that I had these parts of myself, so I didn't want to know it. And so to have someone say, hey, I'm evoking this emotion in you, it's time that you better start dealing with it and get

it out of the cupboard. It's really hard, and particularly the most you know, anger, I feel like I've been such I've had lots of lovely opportunities, thank you to my children, to get in touch with my anger and build a healthier relationship with it, because for a long time I didn't have any relationship with it. I didn't want to admit that I did get angry. I didn't want to ever feel angry because anger is, you know, it's bad and oh it makes you bad mum if

you get angry. But I've learned sort of over time how to manage my kids' big emotions, and it's not really so much to do with them, it's to do with how I'm feeling in that moment. And as we sort of had the conversation just before, is kids feel our energy and they breed off our vibe. So I quickly learned that my goal wasn't to stay calm, it was to stay present. So if i'm you know, my son's having some really big emotions, I want to be there with him to help him navigate that and help

to support it. But the hardest part is by navigating my own emotions during that time. So if i feel like I'm about to lose my shit because he's screaming, my ears are starting to bleacause I can't get him to stop, or my they're all they're fighting. They always fight, as literally WrestleMania over here, all this all the time. It can be like, oh my god, just stop, like

just stop, like I've learned to. I've had to learn because if I'm having a hard time as a mum, it's not like I can go all right, I've had enough, I'm going to a yoga class. I'm getting in the car, see you later, because they need me there, like I'm mummy in that moment. So I've had to learn strategies in real time to navigate that, And for me, it's been like I asked myself three question. Number one, what

sensations do I feel in my body right now? Quite often my jaw is clenched, my fists are clean, like I'm clenching my fists, I feel uneasy in my stomach, and quite often just noticing dropping out of my mind and into my body helps me to stay present in that moment. The second question I ask is what do I know about this part of myself? Like is this a familiar feeling? Have I felt this before? Is this perhaps a childhood wound that that I'm sort of working on?

And then number three is what does this part of me need right now? And quite often she just needs to feel seen or heard, Like you know, I'm cleaning up the sauce that's been dropped on my couch for the fourth time, and no one's watching, and no one's seeing how hard I'm working, And quite often I just need someone to say I see you and I feel you, and so so many times I just put my hands on my chest and I say, what do I need? Like,

what do I need right now? And if I can give it to myself, I will, and then I can sort of I'll navigate my kids' emotions in that time. But sometimes it's not always like that, Like I certainly have had a conflict with I want to stay with my children while they're having this hard time because I want to show them that I love them unconditionally. I love them when they're happy, I love them when they behave, and I also love them when they're the devil. I want to show them that I want to show them

how to navigate these emotions healthy. I want to be there with you. But also like I've had a metal car throw it at my head and sometimes it's not safe for me to hang around so I can say to my son, you know you're hurting, mummy, I'm going

to give you some space. And when that comes back to you when you're four year old comes up to you and says we had a hard time before, didn't we, mum, Or I'm sorry for hitting you, mum, Like it just feels so good, and it makes those hard times really worth it when you stick it out and become really

in touch with what triggers you. But I also do feel like if I if I said to you, George, I'm gonna give you a million dollars if you make a halfway shot basketball, Like if you stand in the middle of the court and you make a basketball shot, I'll give you a million dollars and we'll do it in a month. We'll do that shot in the month. I'll give you a chance. If I asked you when would you start practicing, like, what would you say now? You would say right now.

yell and quickly back into connection and regulation. But over time I've just been. I've also learned that it's not about you know, how calm I, how calm I stay at, how present I am in those emotions, and how self compassionate I am. Because I lose, I lose my shit. I tell you like, I can yell and I can throw. I've known to throwing poor old Wags, the dog, the teddy at the wall when I've gotten really angry. But I used to. I used to feel I used to beat myself up for that. Boy, did I beat myself

up for that. I'm a horrible mum, not only for getting angry, but for also letting my children see me get so mad. But my kids are incredible. I'm proud that they have seen me get angry, and I've proud that they've seen me manage that in a healthy, conscious way. And there's a difference between losing control my anger and

expressing my anger consciously. So if I let my kids see me like, oh, I'm just so angry, like I just need to get this out of my body, like, I'm proud that they can see me do that and to come back into regulation. Because when my son gets angry, i'd like him to express it in a healthy way, and he's seen it and he's witnessed me do it in a really safe way. So and I also like the fact that my kids know I've got another level, like Mummy can turn it on when she needs to.

So if I need protecting or if I need I need the beast, Mum's got it in her. Like if I'm calm and serene all the time, I'd like them to know that, you know, if push comes to shove, Mum's got my back. He's I've seen it, I've seen what she can do, and if I play my cards right, she might be on my team. So I like that about it too. And for so long I would just beat myself up for feeling angry and forgetting like that,

but I don't anymore. I sort of hold space for that, and I'm proud of the way that my kids have responded to that in a way that they're sort of starting to mimic that as well. But we did have a lightning McQueen metal car throne at the TV the other day the other week before we had to get a baby, so you know, I'm certainly not all right. We claimed it our insurance. We've got a better TV in the end. But you know, I'm not up, certainly not perfect, but I'm you know, it's not about for me,

It's not about being perfect. It's about how much self compassion I can hold for myself and have my kids do the same and witness me making mistakes and then saying sorry if I need to, and even saying sorry to my kids, because quite often it's a you know, it's a power thing. Mummy is more important than me.

She's bigger, she's you know, Whereas when I come down to my kids level, I look them in the eye and I say, I'm sorry for yelling at you, mate, And then that comes back to me to have my three year old come up and say sorry for hitting you, Like that's pretty that's pretty powerful, and then it sort of like makes it all worth it.

you'd never see it. And then Tim's parents are kind of a little bit opposite where there was arguing in front of you and they don't hold back sort of thing. And what I found was, you know, I personally didn't know how to navigate disagreements with Tim because I was like, I'd never seen it, if that makes sense. So I was like, is this normal for me to be feel

this angry? How do I then talk to him? And Tim was kind of the same, but on the board spectrum of you know, let's really yell at each other and it's fine in two minutes, because that's what was reflected to him. So it's also realizing if your child never sees you get angry, if you're just calm, collected and darling, it's okay and blah blah blah, they're never going to be like, oh, so mom never expresses anger. So if I have anger and I express it, I'm wrong.

And that's also not the vibe. And I think it's also you know, for me and Tim, it's about finding how do we have these discussions and disagreements in a very healthy way. And I think that's a big thing that I want to work on with i'v in her emotions and also making sure I'm not hiding myself or I'm not watering myself down, because then that's just going to model to her of she she should do the.

have to stay like that. I want him to let it go. I need to let it go, but I need to do it in a way that's sort of healthy. So I'm walking around hitting pillows saying that when I'm angry, so that when he gets angry, that's something that he knows he can do where you know, so you know it's okay. One hundred percent. I agree, as long as they see that they full loop exactly, loop exactly. Yeah, so true, so true, Emily. I'd like to ask you two last questions.

on what's important to me. Never have I been clear about the legacy that I want to leave. So if I am learning these lessons in motherhood, it's because I'm meant to learn them and I'm create my life from them. And like we said before, like if when we experience these, you know, uncomfortable emotions, it really exposues to us what's important to us. And so that's living life on my terms, is creating my life. And I used to think I

couldn't do it with kids. I used to think, I'll live my life and i'll be I'll have my career and then I'll have my kids. But it's both. I can have both. I can be a mom and a fucking boss. I can be a mom because I am and because I'm a mom. That's why I'm a boss. Because I'm a mom. That's why I'd be able to create the life that I have. And early on in my maiden self thought that I couldn't have both. I had to have one or the other. Had to be a mom or or I couldn't have kids. I had

and I could live my own life. But that is not my experience. I'm living the life I want to live because I have my children and because of the lessons that they've taught me and because of the right of passage that they've made me go through to be who I am today.

like that was the plan. And then to be pregnant at five months it was like I could not imagine. It took a lot, it took a lot of navigating, and then it came with the guilty of oh my god. My first reaction wasn't happy as anyway, q Q the guilt trip and I was in the nail salon and I was sitting next to this really gorgeous old lady. So you know those older ladies at the nail salon,

where they they have their weekly appointment. Everyone knows their name and they have just fabulous nails and fabulous hair. We just got chatting and she said to me, if you're busy with one, you might as well be busy with two. And ever since she said that, I was like, oh my god, right, I'm busy with one, I might as well be busy with two. And that just helped me process everything. So that's something that stands out to me for sure.

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