¶ Welcome and Chimp Sanctuary Debate
Let's do a couple of openings, let's do a couple of openings. You do it. Well, you better say something. Well, I think you should say, welcome to the Ricky Gervais show on the podcast. I'm not on this, am I? Yeah. What am I doing here? What, just saying hello? Hello? No, let us do the introductions. We're doing two introductions in two shows. Fuck me. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.
Right, welcome again to the Ricky Gervais show on this Guardian podcast. With me, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, and of course... hello there thanks and of course our uh our producer carl bilkington right carl can i ask you a question Go on. I know this is what a lot of the fans are already wondering. Is there going to be some monkey news today? There's got to be. Of course there is. Yeah? Yeah. All right. Well, I don't want... I'm worried because maybe this will steal your thunder.
But Sarah Greer has emailed this in. Once again, emailed to podcast at rickygervais.com. Chimp mauling under investigation. I know you're concerned, because this actually fuses two of our greatest features, monkey news and knob news, into one seamless whole. Investigators said they are trying to figure out how two chimpanzees that viciously attacked a visitor at an animal sanctuary...
escaped from their cage. This is the grim bit. The chimps chewed off a man's nose and severely mauled his genitals and limbs. Why did they go for his genitals? Both of them did as well. Eh? Both of them. Did you say two chimps? No, you're right, yeah, it was chimpanzees, two. I don't know if both of them went, they just saw that they're dangling away and they... You go for the nose? I go for these bollocks!
What accent have they got there? I don't know. Were they kind of New York gangster chips? They're like Soprano chips. What happened to them anyway? What happened to what? The two guilty monkeys. Well, unfortunately, they were shot dead by the authorities. That annoys me a bit. I know, but again... What are you talking about? that they're attacking people's godads i know but they were happy in a african jungle a couple of years ago that's what you do isn't it
That is what they do. That's what animals do. Animals fight. Do you remember when that bloke... So what you're supposed to do, you're supposed to let them just wander off into the, I don't know, into the local mall and maybe savage some young children, or... A bucket with a face being on it. No, all I'm saying is you don't shoot them for doing what's natural to them. Yes, you do. Why? If anything attacks anyone's balls. No, no, no. Maybe they were shot during it. You're allowed to shoot.
something that's doing so much. But if they... Were they executed or were they shot in the attack? No, it says he shot them... Well, he shot them to death. I'm assuming he shot them to death as they were legging it off. But why aren't they just sort of tranquilised?
Where was this? Why have I been accused like it was my fault? It's because I happen to be reading Sarah Greer who emailed it in. It's the one who should be getting a mulligan. It just annoys me how one way it's kind of like, you know, we're trying to save the pandas and then the next day someone's shooting them or whatever. I know it's not a panda.
But all I'm saying is it's double standard. So therefore our whole argument falls apart, but go on. No, but what I'm saying is, what would happen? I've talked about this before, about St George killed the last dragon.
Right? Right, it didn't exist. It's the same thing, though. No, no, there's never been any dragons. No. It's a mythical creature. Well, you don't know that. By mythical, it means we made this up, like the unicorn. Well... I don't even... What was your point about the dragon? What's that got to do with this? Because I'm saying... out like why is it alright to be going around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killing them because one day we're going to run out
What are you talking about? How have you extrapolated from this one incident of a couple of testy, happy monkeys? That's what I'm saying. One incident. They only did it once. But they're not shooting around and making them extinct, are they? If they carry on like that, they will.
to the monkeys to stop attacking people's private parts. But that's what I meant. Give and take it, I'm sorry. No, come on. That monkey doesn't know why it's in a cage. It's not going, oh, this is for me and good. Even if it's animal husbandry, they're not sitting there going, well, I'll tell you what, um...
Uh, let's stay here, cos it's, you know, they're trying to do a nice little breeding programme here. Or we could get out and do what we do best, run amok, eat some bollocks, right, and have a good time. Right? They don't know what they're doing, they don't... And Raquel's right, the poor little...
bastards get a bullet in the head for what and i'm saying if they're attacking a human shoot them to stop them that's fine okay but if they're running away and they're you know don't shoot them in the back like a coward this was an animal sanctuary though So presumably they had quite a cushy time there, because most of the ones I've visited, they've always got it easy. They're hanging around on tyres, they've got comfy chairs, they're wanking. They're going berserk, they're loving it.
So, you know, you say that, I think these, I don't know, I just think they were, there was something nasty, there was something a bit warped in these monkeys. But hang on a minute, you've just answered your own question there. You said they're in a sanctuary, so they haven't had a good upbringing.
So they're going to be a bit more, like, madder than other monkeys, aren't they? Because that's where the ill ones go, innit? Sorry, what do you understand by sanctuary? Well, I've been to one for seals. It's not like a borsal. Yes! He thinks it's a Borstal. It's like scum. Yeah, they did some bad stuff in the jungle and they had a little monkey court and they went, send him to Borstal. Well, what is it then?
No, it's a monkey sanctuary, like a haven. Well, it's not a haven, is it? They've got a bullet in the head. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Talking of...
¶ I'm a Celebrity Eating Challenges
Eating knobs. Yeah. Jilly Goulden. What's she been up to? Well, you saw it in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. I haven't been watching it. She popped a little kangaroo knob in the mouth. Chewed it up. What, she just framed it. Did she lie in her own? No, no, no. It was one of the things, actually. Oh, it was one of the challenges. Carol Thatcher, you know, a daughter of, er... One of our leaders. Sure. She popped a couple of bollocks in the mouth, chewed them up, swallowed them. Oh.
And Jilly Gordon, there was a kangaroo penis there, dried. She couldn't even get, it was so tough, she couldn't even get through it. And then she, eventually she eats it. What, was it like a pepperoni? Yeah, and she took one thing of that, Carl. What, eating that sort of stuff? Yeah. I just, I mean, I watch it, I like those little trial bits, right? Yeah. But what I don't think people realise is, right, it is hard eating a little kangaroo knob. Really? How do you know?
No, it's just, you know, you think about it and you go, oh, I couldn't do that, right? But what they never mention on the TV programme, which I think takes it to the next level, right? They're eating that at like half past seven in the morning. Sure. Right. Which is worse, innit? Mm.
Do you know what I mean? If I was there, and Ant and Dec said, right, Carl, eat the knob, I'd go, hang on a minute, give us a few hours, let me get some rice and that on me belly, and just sort of fill me up a little bit more, I'll pop back at about... half six this evening, have it ready. And I'd be happier then. It's just that thing of... You don't want to eat animal genitals on an empty stomach. So what are you saying? I'm saying I could eat a knob at night...
But just cut that there. We'll loop that. If any DJs are listening, just take that quote, I could eat a knob at night, by Carl Pilkington. Maybe do a dance remix? Yeah, maybe you're sort of a house producer and you could maybe get some kind of high energy...
beat going and then we can just send that out to some of the gay clubs. I'm sure it'll be really popular. Please, please anyone, send us, you know, that loop with a nice little, you know, funky house beat. Carpilk is insane. I could eat a knob at night. No, but do you know what I mean, though? We'll buy that. Not really. Okay, then, right. Okay. Now, I couldn't do it. I could not do it. I couldn't pop a...
kangaroo testicle in my mouth and chew it. It was disgusting to watch. She was eating witchy grubs. I mean, good on them because they were doing it. But then again, I think, well, they wanted to go in there. They knew they were up for it. So, on the one hand, I think, is that admirable and is that showing...
sort of like good british metal or is it you know i'll do anything to get on telly for a week i don't know you know what i mean i don't where where does it stop you know i thought rebecca lose went too far when she gave the little pig a tug but at least she knew where to stop She didn't, you know... Well, it's obvious when you have to stop. Yeah, but, you know... The pig tells you that. To, you know, to pop the... Also, again, where's the kangaroo hopping round without a cock?
¶ Karl's Monkey Retirement Home
I'll tell you, here's another question, right? Bit of a spin-off with animals and that. Have you ever, right, Steve, killed a fly? Probably, yes. Right. I was watching David Attenborough. Right? He makes his money out of flies and that, doesn't he? Do you think he's ever killed one, or does he go, well, I can't kill that fly or that spider, because that's how I make me money? I don't know what the question is! I don't know what this question is.
Right, my mum, right, she said, if a fly is knocking about the house, she never kills it, she always catches it and puts it out and that, and she said she'd never kill one. Who is she? Mr Miyagi? What do you mean she catches it? How does she catch it? With a pair of chopsticks.
Rick, it's that time again. It's what everyone's waiting for. Can you do the jingle for us? Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news. Right, this week, the monkey news is about, you know, we all know, like, you know, there's monkeys knocking about that aren't happy in this country. Right, yeah, sure. It is a big problem, yeah, it's an epidemic. So they've set up this sanctuary place where they all go, the ones that aren't happy in a zoo and what have you, it's getting them down.
They can phone a number and they'll come and pick them up. Pop them in this house place, right? And basically, they can run riot in there to get freedom to sort of cheer themselves up. It's like, don't have a go at them. If they want to do such a thing, let them have a go. Yeah, yeah.
There's three people running this place, right? And one of them... Sorry, where is this place for wayward chimps who don't like the zoo? What are you talking about? A house where they can do what they want? I'm not sure where it is. That's not... That's a surprise.
But there's this place anyway. It doesn't matter where it is, does it, at the end of the day? I'm just telling you what the problem is. We haven't got to the problem bit yet. Go on. I'm just building up to it, right? So these monkeys, big house and that. PlayStation, anything they want. Gym, all that lot. Gym. So, anyway, I'll cut to the chase, whatever. One of them wanted to mess about with the woman's breasts.
Which woman's breasts? The woman who works there. Right. And she was like, right, pack it in, you know. We've all had a bit of fun. You've been in the gym and everything. Obviously, you know, got a bit excited. He was fired up and that, ready for some more action than that. He's trying to have a go on this woman's breast, right? Have a go. She was like, no, you're not doing that. Pack it in and all that. The boss who's running the place was like, come on, let him have a go. No.
Right, you're talking shit. I'm telling you what, I know sometimes I step over the mark and they made up. Right. So, where is this place where... Well, one, where is this house where chimps are allowed to throw one? And two, where is this place where one of the bosses, one of the human bosses, suggests to the other one, oh, and if the chimp wants to play with your tits, love, let the chimp play with his ears. Listen, what...
I've said before, Rick, will you please stop interrupting this news? No, but listen, it's all right, Steve, because what I'll do, I'll bring the link and you can put the link on the website and people can have a look at the proper story. I'm just giving it in a headline for me.
They can read the full thing. No, you've only read the headline, Bourne. I haven't read it. I sort of read, like, the first paragraph. It was probably, Monkey feels the right tit. And you've extrapolated all this from that. So anyway, right, so he's there. So the boss says, yeah, you can have a group. Yeah, the boss is saying, let him have a go. Come on.
Rita, if monkey wants to play with nipples, let him. So, she's like, I'm not happy with this, and he's going, come on, you know the rules there, we've got to cheer these monkeys up. Oh, this is absolute fun. Actually, no, and in the end, because she didn't allow it to happen, fella bloke sacked her got someone else in. This isn't made up. I will put the link on the website and everyone can have a look at it, but...
Basically. I want to see the advert he put in the Guardian media page. I love that. Woman wanted to let Jim feel tits whenever it wants. I don't know. It's all up there. You're talking absolute shit again. Wow. That is no way.
¶ Wasp and Spider Evolution
that happened. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Do you know the other week when I came up with like a different idea of how we can sort of make the world run and that. Can we just have a quick recap of that? Because I seem to remember it was a load of old arse. It was ridiculous. He was saying that the world is overpopulated. So the system would be where people were living too long and stuff. So what happens is people live till 78. I don't know how he can...
force that, right? But when they die, they've got a little baby in their stomach, like a pip in an apple, that then carries on when they die. It wasn't a theory, it wasn't an idea, it was the ramblings of a mental case. You're saying it's stupid, but someone's emailed in and said, oh yeah, that's...
That's pretty good. Yeah, and did... Okay, okay, I'm asking you again. Was the letter written in shit? Anyway, listen, right... Did it say, The Mental Home, Mars? I've been thinking about it, right? And if we can't do that, right, if that's a no to that...
Well, it's not a question of whether we can do it or not. Yeah, but I'm just saying, if that's a no, right, I've been thinking about... It is a no. This is going to be brilliant. No, because there's a lot of weird... You could win the Nobel Prize for this. But listen, there is a lot of ways, isn't there, in the world, that some creatures and that...
go about sort of moving on, if you know what I mean. Evolution, you mean? Yeah, there's a lot of, like, on that David Attenborough programme that he's doing at the moment, he's always showing you little insects and what they've got to do, and there was one about a wasp, right? that had to fly about, right, for ages, looking out for a certain type of spider, right? It lays its egg in the spider. When I saw it, it whizzes down, right? It lands on its back, so that he's got to get that right.
It lands on it. I don't think the spider's up for anything. That isn't even aware of this is how things move about. It's not going, I've got to look out for a wasp. So all this is like, it's got to be perfect timing. So this wasp dived down, right? sat on the back of this spider it injects it or something with a maggot or something and then that maggot then lives off the spider for a bit the spider knows it's got a maggot in it
No, it doesn't. It does. No, it doesn't. And it's making a web for it. It goes, I've got something to look after here now. I've got responsibilities. It makes a web, right? It sort of reverses into it and puts the maggot on the web. The maggot sort of clings onto the web, spider's there, maggot eats a spider, and then it moves on. If I came up with that idea for, like, a method, you'd say, that's never going to happen.
never wake up it's not the fact that you came up with the idea right for an old lady dying at 78 with um a baby growing in her that then lives on it's nonsense it's no idea it's how can it be enforced. It's like, even if scientists thought it was the best idea in the world, how would they enforce it? Who's going to go, that's a good idea, we've never thought of that. Get an Elsie. Elsie! Who told the wasp to look out for that spider, to go on its back, to...
What do you mean you told the wasp? It's evolution, it's natural selection. Yeah, but I can understand, we've chatted about it before, about giraffes having a long neck, but you're talking about a wasp and a spider who... That's because you're attributing thought and will behind their behaviour. Behaviour in humans is linked with a free will. Yeah, but most of what we do, say like how we have a kid at the moment...
You don't just jump on the back of a woman and go, there you go, love, and then a baby pops out. You do if you come from Bristol. No, what I'm saying is... It's all, you build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat and you go, right, how's it going? And you get on and that and then a little baby will come out. This is the best. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to go back to the dating procedure there.
You have a chat, you go, all right, and then a little baby comes out. That's extraordinary. This is amazing. I'm mad at life. This is incredible. I tell you, two-bit radio's gain was secondary school's loss. It really was. What I'm saying is... This is my first pilgrim book. Unbelievable. What I mean is, we all get on. What I'm saying is, at what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider or meet up with it?
I don't even understand where we are now in this conversation. At what point is a wasp going to ever have a chat with a spider? What world do you live in? What's in your head? I can't believe it. Carl. What? wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider? So in some kind of weird insect nightclub, these wasps and these maggots are meeting, they're getting on, is that how you're imagining it? No, but that's what I'm saying to you. What are the odds on that actually happening? Listen, listen.
Because behaviour in lower forms of life is purely chemical. It bypasses any form of consciousness. There's a parasite. that's like a flatworm, a platy helmet, or it might be a nematode. It's some sort of invertebrate. It lays its... egg the beginning of its cycle is in a stickleback okay and it literally has to change the stickleback's behavior okay because it has to get into a warm-blooded animal to complete its cycle so what it does is
This parasite makes the stickleback not flee from the shadow of a heron. So it makes the stickleback get eaten, right? So it then is in the belly of a warm-blooded animal and it can complete its life cycle. But at no point is the nematode or the platyhelminth, whatever it is, going, slow down, there's a heron coming. Stay here. Stay here. Stay here.
here and they stick about going why i don't want to stay there's a heaven there's no there's no conversation it's not they get together and go listen i've got something that might be uh mutually beneficial to both of us i need to get into a heron You like to be eaten by a heron. No, no, I don't. Where's this conversation? Yes, you do. It's got Jedi powers. Yes, you do. No, all I'm saying is...
You know, the idea that I came up with, you're sort of saying that's a crazy idea. It's not an idea. How many times have we heard, all I'm saying is, and then such a stream of nonsense that it's blown our minds? No, but that's all I'm saying. That, you know... what you've just explained there with the error and having to knock about and for a flea to be sat in the shade and that. Now that, now that! Now see that, that!
That is incredible. That translation of what I said, that sums it up for me. He sees a headline, he reads a book, it then goes through this weird filtering system, with I imagine the music in his head is... Yeah. Discordant piano. I think the noise in Carl's head is like a fax machine, if you've ever got that up for Bonnie.
I think it's like a Czechoslovakian cartoon from 1963. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, noise is like, woks being hit. Yeah. And, you know, piano is just being hit by elbows. He's the only person, you can give him a body of information and he strips away the facts. But the way he said that...
I talked about, clearly talked about some sort of parasite in a stickleback that makes its behaviour change so it doesn't flee the heron's shadow. He said, so there's an heron with a flea who doesn't like the shade.
¶ Karl's Reverse Aging Proposal
How did it come out? I mean... It doesn't matter. Forget that, right? What's your theory? What's your theory? What I'm saying is I've come up with something else that I want to run by you then. Go on then. So you've said... You've sort of boo-booed the idea of... Boo-booed. We've boo-booed it. We have boo-booed it. Of...
He shows a completely different bear. It was originally Poo-Poo the bear, but now it's Boo-Boo the bear. Brilliant. So you've said no to, you know, the old woman having a kid before she dies. What about if we do it the other way, right? Ah, go on. Somehow. I don't know how yet. A kid has an old lady? That's what it's going to be, isn't it? A child gives birth to an old man? No. Right. What I'm saying is, right. Go on.
Work the other way round. Come on then. So if somehow we can inject something in like a body that's just died. Listen to this! Shhh! But we'll go, imagine this is notes. When he hands it into the Nobel people, and they go, if there's a way that we can inject something, they go, well, what? Well, I don't know the chemical formula, but something. Something HO2.
anyway so you inject it in the temple um he's narrowed it down to the temple well that's fine yes you inject something so you inject it in what are you who are you injecting this this old woman who's who's She's been ill and that. She died. So she's dead. So we're bringing old people back to life. Okay, fine. That's step one. We've just got to sort that out first, but fine. We'll crack that. Go on, next. So we brought people back from the dead. Fine. Yeah, but this is a way of...
controlling population, remember. Sure. They can't be having it away and having kids. This is just the way we're going to work for now. Okay, so there's an old lady. So we start now. We start now as the world is now. So what happens? Right. So you get, you get like an old woman. Who's dead? Yep. Yep.
inject her and that inject her and then and then what happens is she sort of wakes up amazing right and she works the other way so like she might be 77 yep and then she'll have a birthday she's 76 and she's working that way right if you know what I mean Okay. Are you with me? No, keep me... Because, because the thing is, you've got...
I'm really scared. I'm really scared. This is the maddest thing you've ever said. This is madder than the old lady with the pit like an apple in her belly. It sort of did work. No, it didn't work. It worked in your head. It's like a dream that you wake up and go, oh, I've got great theory this is what this is it let me just tell you the ending because the endings works out a bit better go on what i'm saying is when you die at the age of 78 nine months what
At the age of nine months, because that's when you come out. What do you mean when you die at the age of nine months? You're not scared of dying, because you're now a baby, so you don't know what's going on anyway.
So there's no fear. Sorry, you missed out a bit here. So this woman, what, literally gets younger and younger? I think when she's in her 20s, she's in her old age, Rick. Yeah, but it doesn't matter because that's the fun part of your life, isn't it? When you're 20 and you've got all your energy and that. So before you die... you're actually having a good life rather than it being the other way around. But does she do different stuff than she did on the way up?
Because she's already lived 78 years, hasn't she? Don't forget. She was a baby once and she grew 78 years. Then someone stuck a needle in her head and said, right, back you go. No, but forget all that bit. Oh, forget all that bit. Have a look at that bit.
What I'm saying is... So she died and she doesn't remember all her... This is a new life, is it? Let me just leave you with this. Right. You're talking shit. Explain yourself. What I'm saying is, all people are scared of dying. When they're 77, they're going, oh... What's going to happen to me? Little injection in the head. When it's a baby, when it's like one, and everybody around it's going, yeah, it's going to die soon.
Baby hasn't got a clue. It's happy. It's playing about with its rattle or whatever. So it loses all its memories. That's it. And then what happens? So when does it die? When it gets to nought. When it's nought days old. Yeah, it just dies. People know it's almost like a countdown. So the family's aware of it.
But aren't the family getting younger as well? What's happened to the family? Forget it then. We'll leave it as it is. Leave it as it is, shall we? Shall we? Can we all agree on that, guys? Now, should we agree to leave it as it is? Is that alright? Because I don't want to hear any more from the diaries of Charles Manson.
¶ Teen Protest and Social Discomfort
No, it's... I mean, you're a fucking maniac. If you're a maniac and you'd like to get in touch, then please email us at podcast at rickygevase.com. Doing a bit of Christmas shopping, Rick, the other day, and I was travelling around on the tube, the London Underground, the subway system for our American friends. And, you know, as you know, but people around the world may not be so familiar, there's a recorded voice that you sometimes get on the tube that says...
mind the gap oh yeah before you open the door yeah mind the gap and the reason is that sometimes in some stations there is a gap between the train and the platform and obviously you know theoretically you could fall down and it's different sizes so just that little reminder mind the gap you look down It's safe. Just makes you stop. Seems to make sense. Yeah. Saw a kid teenager wearing a t-shirt. Don't know where he bought it. It just said, fuck the gap.
He was tired of it. Yeah. He didn't want to mind the gas. But what I like is, what's he protesting about? I don't know. It's not about, it's not the police or the man keeping you down. That's just good, sensible health and safety information. That's like saying, fuck, look in both ways before I cross the road. Screw penicillin. I know. No, do you know what? I'm going to drink and I am going to use threshing machinery and I don't give a damn.
I love that about teenagers, that sort of, that kind of, screw you sort of mentality, but not, it's kind of blind, isn't it? It's just anything. Anything's a target. Anything's valid. When I was a teenager, I think maybe 17, I had a t-shirt. I was ragged. and against just stuff really. It was slightly more...
abstract than the gap. I wasn't specifically against the gap. It just said bullshit. Just in general. Bullshit. You were raging against the machine. I was just going, yeah, people say, hey, what are you, I just opened my, bullshit, alright? Just bullshit. But I assume that these forms of protest have never made any dent in anything in the world. Because I remember when there were all these protests against the war a couple of months back, and there was one guy, so there was a huge...
Arch in London, as you know, and they did these all around the world, didn't they? But there's hundreds, thousands of people in London. There was one guy, he was riding around on a three-wheeled bike, wearing a jester's hat, blowing a horn. That was his form of protest against the war. What sort of horn was it? It was one of those sort of hunting horns.
When he was showing them, he was saying, this is what I believe. Yeah. And if that doesn't change people's opinions, I don't know what will. But I like the idea of Bush, yeah, just about to invade Iraq. And just the news comes through from his chief of staff. And then Bush goes... George, George. What is it? What is it?
No, seriously, we've got some information coming in from London. Go on. I know you're thinking of invading Iraq. Definitely, yeah, why? Just think about it, because there's a guy riding around on a three-wheeled bike. He's not got the regular two, he's gone for three wheels. So... Okay, well, listen, what's he wearing? I don't want to tell you what he's wearing, he's just... What's he wearing on his head? He's just wearing... He's wearing a jester's hat.
Okay, calm down. Calm down. It's not that bad. It's not going to change my opinion about... He's blowing a horn. Okay, get the troops out. Get the troops out now. what do they think they do it's pointless you've got to get involved in the I saw a girl once again a teenage girl I was behind her on the tube and she had this bag like a rucksack and it was kind of black and it had um
painted in Tippex, it had a picture of George Bush, but he was kind of in the sights of a rifle, you know, and it sort of said, stop the war, and it had a Barbie's head, but it was severed, and the hair was scraped back, and she'd been made up to look kind of devilish, and there were sort of CND signs. And there was, you know, no to war and all this. And I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say...
Are you actually getting involved in stopping the war or have you been working mainly on this bag? Yeah. Because that must have taken you at least a couple of days. You could have been writing emails. You could have been getting a petition going. Oh, dear. Carl, have you ever been in...
to that sort of teenage rebellion, teenage protest? Well, to sort of stop stuff going on and that. Yeah, yeah. Or just, you know, making your views heard. I don't really like people knowing what I'm thinking and that. Right. There's no way anyone can know what you're thinking. Even with experimentation show where you spout off your nonsense ideas every week. No, no, but what I mean is... A team of surgeons could fiddle around in your head...
for a couple of days and they still wouldn't know what you were thinking. I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. Exactly. You're thinking of... You're thinking, could a monkey ever be president? At this moment, aren't you? But I don't like anyone, like all those banshees that you're talking about, like, you know, save the whale and all that. I don't like the idea that when I get on a tube and someone sees that...
they sort of know that I want to save the whale. I don't like people knowing, even to the point of... It gives you a disadvantage in life, doesn't it? But just knowing stuff like when you get on a tube and say if you've been shopping, right, and you've had to buy an ironing board... I hate it that people sort of look at what you've got and go, he's doing some ironing. Right, okay. That's got to be rare. I mean, you can't have bought more than...
five or six ironing boards in your adult life. No, no, but I don't mean just ironing boards. I mean, like, anything big where they can't wrap it, so they just put a carrier bag round a little bit of it, and everyone can see what you've just bought. It's weird, because I bought an ironing board last week for Margos, and I did feel a little bit self-conscious. There you go. Because I thought people thinking, he's 30, why hasn't he got an ironing board yet?
Yeah. No wonder he's a scruffy bastard. I pretend I'm going surfing whenever I buy an ironing board. I just make sure I go in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses. And I just walk down the street and I go, surfing USA. And they think, hey, there's a dude going to the beach. I pop on a bus to go and do some ironing. Yeah. Wait, what's that on his t-shirt? Bullshit. He's radical. I get still faintly embarrassed buying toilet paper. Yeah. I always have to buy something else to go with it.
I don't like, because if you just buy that on its own, if you buy it on its own, it's obvious that you're dying for one. And it's like... I haven't got any in. Whereas if you just chuck it in with a pot noodle, it's like, well, he's eating and he's thinking about later. Yeah. If you buy it on its own, you know that you've got none in the house and you've just rushed across the street to get some. Especially if you're still in your slippers.
Well, that's about it for another podcast. A new one in a week's time after Christmas. So, Merry Christmas, everyone. Have an absolutely blinding Christmas.
or a lovely whatever festival you celebrate in your part of the world, from Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. If you want to send us anything, as ever, the email address is podcast at rickygevais.com. You can email... just your thoughts on the show if you've got some monkey news for Carl or anything you think might intrigue Carl or indeed maybe just some Christmas wishes then that's the email address podcast at rickygevaz.com I would like to wish a particularly
Merry Christmas to those guys at Positive Internet for all their genius input and good work hosting this podcast. Goodbye. Merry Christmas. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.