The Hardest Question to Ask is Centered Around Sex

Join the host of certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them. Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to a Relax Mel. I'm your host, Brian, and I am a certified men's coach who assists men who are just neck deep in all the different types of suffering they do with their relationships.

I help men who are going through things like divorce or trying to figure out where missus Wright is hanging out at. When it comes to relationship, we get ourselves worked up, and that's why I'm here. I help you relax, Step into your life, enjoy your life, go through the challenging parts of your life and have a good time at it. Find that fulfillment

that you're craving with with your wife being right there by your side. Our relationships with our wives are important. That's why I do this show, why I help men to find their

find their why, find that that point in their in their relationship that allows them to lean in and become the the men that they are wanting to be and that their families need them to be. And so in each week, we just step back. We look at what the different circumstances are that we face, and we talk through it, and we look at it, and we help each other to grow and become better. And this week, we're talking about sex. Oh, talk about sex, baby. You know, the anyhow. No.

Let's let's not do that. Sex is one of those things where it is a center point to what our marriage is. Not the most up, but it is a very important for us men. We know for us men, we look at sex as a means of showing how much we love and we care for our, our spouse. And we like having sex because that, shows our spouse actually loves and cares for us. We most men, their primary, love language, if you wanna call it that, is physical touch. We are just physical beings. When we see our wife naked

for the first time or the millionth time, we just love seeing the boobs. We love seeing the the butt. We just love seeing our wife naked. It doesn't matter whether it's been for like I said, for in that 1st year, we're still in the honeymoon period, or we're coming up on the 50th wedding anniversary. We see our our wife naked. It's like, hey. We still are we still have the same reaction every single time. Yet a lot of us step back and we look and we go, you know, this this relationship,

why is our sex lacking? And that is one of the biggest problems that us men face. When it comes to sex, we will sit there and ponder and think and struggle and have a have a hard time with just trying to understand why our wife doesn't wanna have as much sex with us as we do. And proof of that is that it is very, very common is go to any corner convenience store anywhere in the world, and you're gonna see boner pills somewhere.

One of the most popular drugs out there is Cialis and and Viagra and those things that help us to we wanna be able to have sex, and that because we have that allows for us to feel connected to our wife. So when this sex starts dropping off, when the sex stops starts waning all of a sudden, we're not doing it every every hour on the hour, It's now once a month or even longer, and that is gets distressing. And, yeah, we start wondering. We start

kind of pay trying to pay attention, figure out, it's like, okay. What's going on? You know, she got another lover? I mean, something that we can fight against because if it's just her, which 99% of the time, it is just her, not blaming her, but it's just her thoughts about what it about the circumstances that keeps her from wanting to engage in sex. Now it could be her thoughts about what you've done. It could also be the thoughts of about what, you know,

about a comment you've made or or, you know, just something else that's gone on or something that happened with a friend and it's caused her to reflect on other things and it's taken her completely out of the want and desire to have sex with you. And what that we often make the lack of sex mean something to us. We always make our everything that happens in our world personal. We wanna take it personal. We wanna take the the fact that our relationship

has has dropped a bit. We wanna make that mean that she doesn't love us anymore or that she's got somebody else, or maybe we just aren't packing enough in the in the, in the wedding tackle department. There's so much that we want to assume

this is gonna be the problem, that we never stop back step back and go, well, what about that is the problem? Or step back and even ask, is this really a problem? Because sometimes we get ourselves so wrapped around the axle about what we're making this mean that we start turning to stuff that actually does hinder our ability to have a very meaningful sex life with our wife. Great example of this, porn.

We start turning to porn because, you know, all of a sudden, our our marriage isn't our our sex life isn't as off as as big as we and great and wonderful as we thought it was. And so we said, you know, out of victimhood and victim mindset, we start looking at we start looking at dirty movies, and we get our sexual release there. All of a sudden, we're not on the lookout for

the little hints and clues that our wife would typically give for us because, well, we've already satisfied. We've blown our load. We're going down the road, and we don't we're not paying attention to what our to our wife going, hey. You know? She may have stretched her foot out and touched you with her foot. And if you've already spanked the monkey, you're not picking that up as,

hey. You want something? Because when we first were married, you know, all she had to do was walk past, and the air from off of her would hit our shoulder and up we were we were we're ready to rock and roll. We were following her into the bedroom. And then we go off and start getting ourselves all all sedated with use of porn and turning to

these, you know, Pornhub and all those other sites like that. And next thing you know, you're sitting in the living room watching television, She's sitting in the bedroom watching her show, and there's no connection

at all. Y'all are just in the midst of roommate syndrome. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that, yeah, there's kids, there's there's bills, there's other responsibilities, there's work, there's this, there's that, and all this other stuff that life throws at us and throws at everybody has caused us to put our sex life,

e yet even you had to put your sex life on the back burner. You decided not to advocate for yourself. But one of the reasons why we struggle to advocate for ourselves on this is just because we have you how many times do you try to actually talk about sex with your wife? This is something I noticed a couple weeks ago whenever I was driving home from

out of town with with the missus, and we were trying to think of stuff to talk about. And, I mean, there was a couple times where I was saying, oh, well, we could talk about sex. You know? I think we're getting things a little spicy and maybe pull off on the side of road someplace and, you know, have a little do something we haven't done since we were in our twenties. Did I do that? No. Why? Because talking about sex is actually kind of a struggle. And why do we struggle with finding

talking about sex? There's a lot of reasons as to why we do have a hard time, no pun intended, talking about sex. And the one of the big ones is it requires us to become vulnerable. And we that's scary because we take our complaints personally. I mean, all of a sudden, she's like, well, it's because last time you were there, you gave me a zerbert in my belly button. I didn't like that. And, you know, oh, well, I thought she liked that.

You know, all of a sudden, it's all about us. We take what she didn't like, and we make it mean something to us. And so we we pull we draw away. So we take the compliment as a source of pride, but then we take all the criticisms, and we wanna make it mean that we're a piece of crap. And that's the farthest thing from what she's saying. She's just wanting to share with you what her thought is. But also a lot of people when it comes to sex, we have our biases.

You know? There's some people who you talk about anal sex and it's, no. No. No. And, honestly, I'm 1. I don't care to do anal sex with my wife. Why? No. I'm kinda I'm just not a big fan of having a a poopy smelling Peter. That's it. If I wanna be honest, that is what it is. I just don't care to you know, I might pull it out one day and, you know, one time and come to find out there's a piece of Colonel corn sitting on the tip or something. And, you know, it's just there's a lot

of about that. Sorry. That's a that's an exit only. And so no. And there's just I just have my own set of beliefs now. Is my wife, pro anal? No. Not actually, she's not. She's not a big fan of it either, which is fine. We we we have our similar beliefs back there, but we there are times that you may have beliefs that, you know, maybe she should be giving me a blow job, you know, as as a as foreplay. That's our belief. She doesn't think she needs to. She she may not even be a big fan of of,

of a blow job. It may end up maybe you didn't, wash yourself or dab the the excess urine off or get yourself worked up enough to where you have some precum coming, flowing that, you know so there's still a little bit of a a urine taste to it that it's not gonna be very sexy sitting there going going down on you, and all of a sudden, it's like sucking on a piss straw. It's just there's nothing fun about that. So she's gonna have her thoughts about different aspects of of of sex. Maybe she

thinks bondage is just a little too far. And when I say bondage, it's just taking a a a you know, not anything hardcore like like pair of of handcuffs or anything, but even just like a, like a a scarf and tying the hands up above her head. Maybe that's too far. Maybe she doesn't like that. Maybe she doesn't like teasing. Maybe you think teasing is one of the funnest parts of of sex, and she can't stand teasing.

We have our thoughts that we bring into that. And what do we make those thoughts mean? Some of us turn around and go, well, that just means she's approved. She doesn't know how to have any type of fun. It could be. It could be also that she is going off of previous experiences where she didn't have fun. She's felt very unsafe. Then we also have the problem of that we make sex

mean stuff that it really doesn't doesn't need to mean. You know? A lot of people wanna say, oh, well, it's a it's a it's a power thing. No. Not not really. It's not a struggle for power. And if it if you're trying to have sex as a means of struggle for power with your wife, you need to double check exactly why you're married to the woman that you're married

with. It's not that she is supposed to, you know, to to rule over you or you're to rule over her. You're it is, like I said, a sign of love and connection with with your significant other. And if you're thinking that you're supposed to be this, you know, this powerful sex god type of man, then, you know, man, dude, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure where you got the idea from, but that's one of the good things about beliefs

too. Yeah. We may get a little bit of a, we we may get offended if we have some pushback on some of our beliefs,

but beliefs are just thoughts that we perceive to be true. It doesn't mean they're right. It doesn't mean they're wrong. It's just a thought that we perceive to be true. So you can change your belief at any time. But one of the things that we it helps us to do is and to be able to have a good understanding when it comes to sex, when it comes to that type of intimacy that we wanna have with our spouse, we need to have conversations

with our with our with our wife. But yet these most intimate topics that we should easily be able to talk about with our wife, We struggle the hardest. I mean, I there's times, like I said, I'll even before, like, a couple weeks ago, there's times when even if you decide, you know what? We're gonna talk about this. It how do you talk about it? It's like, you start trying to use innuendos and double entendres and

and try to come up with you know? Because you're trying to decide, should I use technical terms, or should I use just normal terms, or should I use dick and pussy or penis and vagina? You know? And these are we get ourselves, again, wrapped around the axle

about what are we making all this mean. If I you start using a bunch of you know, when you take my penis and blah blah blah, and you start going down that road, we the reason why we struggle is because of what we're feeling, the thoughts that we have that create the feelings. So we start feeling a little bit uncomfortable. You know, feel a little embarrassed even.

But we also are afraid that if we bring these topics up, we're gonna get shot down. We've been shot down without even asking for sex. We've been shot down for sex many times. So when it comes to actually asking, about sex and bringing up the topic, all of a sudden, you know, you're probably gonna get shot down there also because it's very easy to say no and to get shot down. Because, again, we've been told no multiple times through my through our marriage,

and we wanna make those noes mean something too. Make them mean, hey. They don't like you. She doesn't love us anymore. She's not interested. I'm too small. I don't have a big enough you know, whatever it is, the whatever thoughts you have had, because your wife told you no, because she rejected you, because she said for the 4 thousandth time that she has a headache, and she's had a headache for the past 4 months,

we start to judge her. And we can't have a good, honest dialogue if we're just right off the bat judging have the thought that she is cold or frigid or whatever term you wanna use because your questions, your answers, and your demeanor is gonna reflect that. So you're going to your actions are going to cause thoughts in her, and she's going to have emotional responses to those thoughts,

all thanks to your actions. So we've got all these people who have got all these thoughts, then these thoughts are creating emotions that are causing them to create these different types of actions and people responding to those actions. And so it becomes this big jumbled mess of emotions, actions, thoughts, motions, actions, thoughts, and what are we gonna do? How do you get past it? Well, first off, you've gotta just, 1, give yourself some grace.

2, give your spouse some grace because she's going to be just as awkward about it. Even if you're dating a nurse, they're she's going to have bits of awkward moments when she's trying to talk about sex to her husband. And, again, I know what we should or shouldn't. We shouldn't be feeling embarrassed about it. It's not a matter of whether we should or we shouldn't. We do. I get that. I'm one of those. I've sat there. I love talking about sex until it's I'm standing there with my wife going,

well, you know, you know, when you do that, you do you know, that one thing that you do that's always kinda makes me you know, well, my toes curl when you do that. Would you you know, would you do that some more often? You know? It's like, how how can we well, how far can we beat around the bush to get to the point? And a lot of the reason is because we feel shame. We've been told sex is this dirty private thing.

Not so much private or dirty, but it's a very private thing. Some of us have picked up that sex is dirty. I mean, we call it porn. It's a dirty movie. So, you know, there's there's that. We have our own thoughts about what sex is. Again, we make sex mean things that it's not. We think make sex mean that it's a dirty act. Well, no. It's a immoral act when it's done in a moral in in immoral position. There's a lot of m's in there. Position.

You know, if we're having sex outside of wedlock, our society wants us to celebrate that, but is it really something we need to celebrate? Maybe the fact that we have normalized sex, that we have actually turned around and made sex talk to be even harder to do. Now I don't know. I'd I've never talked to my great grandparents who were born in the 1800. I never talked to them about sex. I don't know what they thought sex was about about. How often did they talk about sex to

my great grandmother? You know? Because, again, that there's thoughts about that. That seems a lot really matter. Like, talk about great grandma, great grandpa getting it on. It's like, oh god. No, man. What the hey. But yet they have grandkids or they have kids because I've got I'm I'm the great grandchild. So, you know, there's been a couple of couples that have in the in that line of of lineage who have gotten it on. They've been bumping uglies, but there's that such a a

element of shame that we have just picked up just from life. We know we're not supposed to watch r rated movies. We know we're when we're growing up, we're not supposed to tell dirty jokes. You know? They're funny, but at the same time, they're dirty jokes. This is what we what we usually call are blue jokes. And so there is an element of shame when it comes to what sex is and what sex is about. But another thing is that we just were never actually taught to advocate for ourselves.

And this is a tough one for us because how do you advocate for your own self? It's like, hey. I would like to get a blow job on a once a week basis. Well, the answer is pretty close to that, if not that itself. If you wanna have something, ask for it. And this is something that I struggle with because I thankfully, I've got a wife who is very vocal.

So there's been times where I've kind of been hinting or trying, you know, trying to let her know that I was kinda interested in having a little little sexy time, and she wasn't having it. She was eventually and this was just here actually very recently, and this is what kinda woke me up into the the area that of of relationships. When she said, if you want me to do something, you're going to have to ask for it,

which I mean, again, I had had my thought. It was like, good god. She's treating me like I'm a damn child now. Use your words. You know, almost type of a type of response. And it was just like, and again, it was so hard to voice the, would you like to have sex? And that is the hardest question to actually ask, especially for a nice guy. Oh my god. That's a tough question. Do you wanna have sex?

Hey. You interested? Are you horny? A lot of times we do. We try to throw up a little innuendos. We'll might even jump in there and rub her and give her a back rub in hopes that she might, let us cop a little side boob feel or something. But when it comes to sex, we struggle. If we can do something without having to ask for it, it's so much easier, which is why we turn to porn so much, men. We don't have to ask the people who are on the on the website that we're watching porn,

hey. Can I watch y'all have sex? It's just no. Woman gives blowjob to dude, you know, or whatever it is we wanna look at. Whoop. Hey. There it is. Alright. Our our deepest, our deepest, horniest, fantasy just pops up right in front of us, and we get to watch it and go, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When we could actually take the time and talk to our wife. We want the connection. We crave that connection, that emotional and physical connection. To have that connection, you have to do the hard stuff.

You have to have we want to ask the we need to ask the questions. We got to start having those intimate discussions. We need to have the nonintimate discussions because those nonintimate discussions are just as important as the intimate ones, the ones about sex. But if you're struggling with actually having discussions about sex, one of the big things you can actually do is start asking other questions around sex.

There's several items about sex that you can actually ask. I mean, and it helps you to come to understand your spouse even better. Understand what it is about sex that interest her or doesn't interest her. Because, yeah, sadly, there are things about sex that your wife will not find interesting that you do. Maybe you wanna have install a swing in the bedroom.

She is not interested in having a swing because she knows that the kids will show up at the wrong time. And you, from what I've seen, you can't just hop out of those little swings, lickety split. So there's different questions you do wanna ask. Like, what did you learn about sex growing up? And if you want to learn more about her life, you might even ask, when how did you learn that fact? It may lead you down a kind of a dark and and and soulful area.

A sorrowful, not soulful, but sorrowful area. But you get to come to a better understanding

about your wife. What sexual act would you like to do to me? And get ready, for a lot of times, your spouse may not have an answer. Oh, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Well, if you did think about it, what what would you like to do to me? What would do you what do you like for me to not do? What do you like for me to do? Is there something that I do that turns you off? What do you wish I, sexually speaking, did more of? Where exactly do you like to be touched?

Where exactly do you not like like to not be touched? It may seem like a weird question. You've been married for 15 years, but when do you like to have sex? Are you more of a morning sex person or a night sex person? Most of the times, we might assume we know. But a lot of times, those types of questions, the ones we think we know the answer, actually turn around and actually surprise us. What actions cause you to feel the sexiest?

These are things that she can do herself, things that you can do. What was the biggest surprise you had when you first had sex? What was the biggest surprise you had when you first had sex with me? And one that is probably a really nervous to talk about and can be definitely full of a lot of shame. But if she trusts you enough, she can she can share it. But did you ever have an event that negatively impacted what you think of sex? And this can help you get maybe she this is what she sees an old

wound. I'm not gonna say trauma because it's there's no, again, I've I've talked about trauma many many times. And it's not a trauma, but maybe there's something that reminds her of a very uncomfortable event, and maybe you keep, without knowing, tripping into that into that scenario. Maybe that's why she doesn't like to have her hands tied because she had an ex boyfriend who had a bondage fetish and didn't do it respectfully?

A lot of times, these questions can at least help get the topic of sex growing and going. Growing too. That can lead to the most challenging question

there is. And it's like, would you like to have sex? Hey. I'm feeling little, Randy. Would you like to help me with that problem? It's like, now I should probably go, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's not do anything. Let's keep you staying staying Randy. He's like, no. Not not like that. I don't even wanna just stay horny. I wanna wanna get leave some of the, horniness and it can be fun. And it can be that there's more than one way to alleviate

and have intimate connection. It not and it doesn't always have to be with sex. Like I've said, a lot of times, women don't and and in all reality, women don't like just having sex. Women don't likes just sex for the sake of sex, unless it's for three reasons.

She's trying to keep a man, she's trying to find a man, or she's wanting to have kids. And then she will have sex like no one's business. She will have sex like and she will unleash the masculine sex energy like no one's business, and she will she will make sure you are tired and tuckered out. But yet, one of the interesting things is when a woman has more sex and sex more intentionally, she actually likes to have more sex voluntarily.

But to be able to do that, you have to know how to talk about sex and advocate for your wants and your desires. Because without doing so, how is she supposed to know? So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. If there is anything you heard on here that resonated with you, please share this episode out, share it with your friends, your family,

coworkers that you're you're friends with. Don't do it with all the coworkers because it is a sex topic about sex, and I would hate for you to get, you know, a a sexual harassment charge brought up to you because somebody thinks that you're trying to make an innuendo about them. And so because, again, people love to make circumstances personally. Take them make them mean something very personal. So

don't share it to everybody. Don't share it on the, on the on the group mail, But share this out. Share this with your friends. The guys who you're got you to think is like, hey, man. He was just talking about how his wife doesn't like to have sex just last week. This would be a good topic for him to have.

And send this over to him. Send it as a text message. Send us a link on your whatever podcast app of choice. You can hit podcast the share button, take it up, and just send it as a as a text message or send it to them in a as a DM. However you wanna do it, it works great. If you're looking for a better podcast app out there, we all there are the, new podcast apps.com. This can actually help you find a better app that uses podcasting 2 point o, namespace tags.

And this besides for just being able to send boosts and stuff, which is really cool, it also allows for more interactivity, like blog roles and things like that. So there's a lot of really cool things that you can do with, with a better, more, more modern podcast app. So with those guys, if you are interested in

trying to help improve your sex life a little bit, I would be I would love to be able to help you. This is what I like. This is reason why I do this show is to help men have the marriage they want. And that part of the marriage means having a better sex life. How do you approach and add to as how do you approach the the situation so that you can actually advocate for your desire for sex?

I can help you with that. To do that, all you have to do is take the next step. You can go to the go to the show notes on the, in your app, or you can go to, relax mail dot com forward slash coaching offer. Fill out the the form. I'll send you a a an invite so that you can schedule a time that best suits you so that you and me can talk and find out what the actual problem is

and see if it's something that I can actually help. Because I would hate to choose out there and say, yeah. Yeah. I can help you and then come to find out that it's actually something completely different. It's not something that I could actually be able to do it, be of any assistance to you. So, guys, if you're interested in that, again, I want men to have amazing marriages. To do that, sometimes we just have to take we have to advocate for ourselves. And part of that advocating

is reaching out to somebody else going, dude, could you help me? And I'm would be able to go, I'd be honored. Let's see how we can help each other and go from there. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Y'all have a great rest of the week. And until then, bye. Sorry. Sorry, guys. Just completely I'm just taking you completely out of this story because, from the office that I'm I'm talking at, there's a a house that's behind me,

and they've got a bunch of puppies. And I don't know if a puppy was chasing a bee or what, but he was snapping at something, snapping at something, and then he I guess he either got it or the bee got or whatever it was got him because, boy, all of a sudden, he rolled around on the floor on the ground and and scooched and got up, and he ran his little butt all the way around the edge of the of the yard and into the house or into his, under these the house is actually where they're at.

Whoo. Boy. Yeah. And I'm just, I guess, scared mom or dad or whichever one it it is, and thank you I'm running out, looking around. So but, anyhow, we have a okay. No. I can't. Reason for closing blinds when we're when we're having, doing podcast. So but anyhow so