Building A Better Intentional Connection With Your Wife - podcast episode cover

Building A Better Intentional Connection With Your Wife

May 16, 202441 minEp. 227
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Episode description

After 10 to 20 years of marriage, you may notice that the roommate syndrome has crept in and has set up Shop right in your bedroom. You may be noticing that there are a lot of things that are just kind of normal. Maybe you think that’s how things just are. However, this stuff can change. The connection that you are used to hasn't gone it’s just not being used. Your emotional connections are a lot like a muscle and you have to exercise it to keep it strong.


When we have that strong connection in our relationships, we experience a more fulfilling relationship. That connection is what our wife needs to be intimate with us. We often stand around, wondering why she doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore or why the sex has faded away to being once every three months when it used to be we were rocking our socks off every other day. The answer is, that we’ve let life happen. We’ve had arguments and we’ve said things that hurt each other’s feelings. We’ve lashed out because we were hurting emotionally. It means that we would rather feel emotionally safe and not feel hurt as much. Therefore, we withdraw.


That withdrawal pattern amplifies in distance as the years pass. Add kids and other responsibilities and eventually that smoking hot bride that we had isn’t putting on teddys and garter belts for us anymore. She is now in fuzzy pajama pants, a long nightgown sweatshirt with fuzzy socks. You can’t remember the last time she touched her makeup and getting her to go outside amongst people in public is like pulling teeth. When you look back you see and remember how adventurous she used to be. That lack of connection and that lack of communication is what created the problem you’re experiencing now.


Is there any hope? Should you just give up on this marriage and go find a younger model? I would dissuade from the divorce thoughts because you have years of connection. You need to have a reawakening to see that wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling marriage you both still have. The Key is you just have to work at rebuilding that connection now.



Start with the end in mind


When it comes to building a strong connection, you want to start with the end in mind. That means stepping back and examining what does a connected intimate marriage actually look like. Yes, it’s gonna have more sex for sure but what else? Are you ok with the possibility that the sex may never come back to what it was before? What does that look like? How do y’all reconnect each night before bed? How do you set aside intentional time for your wife? How do you foster a deeper connection during the hard times? What does your life with a deep meaningful fulfilling connection look like to you? That is the important part that we miss. How do we go about having a great fulfilling marriage? These are all questions you want to ask regularly.


Many times we step through life without intention so much so that we don’t even think of what we want our marriage to look like or how we want to act toward each other. We think that the other person is supposed to be bringing us joy, happiness, and fulfillment, but that is not the case. Your wife sadly cannot bring you happiness. Your wife cannot make you happy in any form. She doesn't have that power. The same goes for you. You are not able to make your wife happy. No matter what you say or do, you’re not gonna bring joy or fulfillment to her life. All of that is based upon your thoughts, so you have to first understand and examine and do the thought work on what you believe a good healthy marriage is about.


How do you think You behave when there’s a crisis how do you show up to that circumstance? Look in examine how you want your life to be from every possible angle and then look and see where you don’t show up like that and why do you not show up like that? What are you making your wife saying she’s got a headache mean about your relationship? you want to make sure you have those thoughts processed. Make plans as to how you would like to show up for your wife. Have a vision of how you will be. Don't worry about your wife. You have no control over her.



Understand your why and want to change.


What is it about your marriage that is unfulfilling? That’s a great question to ask, isn’t it? Can you answer that question honestly to yourself? What part of that scenario is your fault? That’s a big one if you’re able to answer that. You’re gonna be well on your way to finding answers and being able to change your marriage for the better, if you can see how you had a hand in creating this roommate syndrome.


The next part of your marriage that you want to examine is why you want to change. Yeah, the sex may not be as frequent as you would like, but that is just one aspect of a beautiful marriage. If all you can complain about is that you’re not getting as much nookie as you want, then other issues and that is a little bit more work. I would recommend that you look at your beliefs around marriage and sex.


Look at your "why" and examine that "why". Come to understand the reasons around why you want to better your marriage. That "why" is going to be your motivation. You are going to have rough spots as you make changes in your life. When it’s not going the way you wanted it to go you will need to turn to your "why". You’ve told your spouse that you’re gonna make changes in the past. You probably have told her that you were going to do any number of things that have never actually happened. This is because if you want her to change, you gotta show her how dedicated you are to that change. That dedication may take years. It’s not gonna be one week down the road for darn sure. So you have to lean on your "why". Why do you want a better marriage? Why do you want stronger connections and stronger communication with your wife? When you have that "why" you’ll be able to press through those difficult times. Other people just give up and revert back to their old comfortable ways, but not. you because you know why you want a better marriage.


When you have a why you can step into having a better relationship with your wife. You can do so with full knowledge and intention as to the direction you’re going to take your life and your family.



How are you going to intentionally improve your marriage?


Answer that question as honestly as you possibly can. That's because it’s gonna take all of your intentionality to improve the connection in your marriage. It’s going to take intentionally going to your wife sitting down and talking with her regularly. It’s gonna take you intentionally sharing your day with her no matter how dull and boring you think it is.


When you start becoming intentional in your actions you’re going to get better results. Are you going to still screw up? Oh hell yes, you are. You’re gonna mess up more times than you get right. As long as you are trying and you’re moving forward, and you’re examining what you’ve done with intention, you will see where you’ve messed up. Those problems will be easier to spot and change. You will make your life and your wife’s life better.



Layout your plans


We like to think that we can play things by ear. We can adjust. We have more freedom when we can make changes on the fly. Making plans and examining those plans change the results a lot more than just playing it by ear. Executing those plans is your road to success. If you don’t know where you’re going, are you going to get there? If you don’t know where you wanna wind up how are you even know if you’re close? You have to make plans with your wife.



  • Every Saturday at 8 o’clock, I’m going to have a conversation with my wife.
  • Every evening at 6 o’clock me and the wife are going to go for a walk.
  • Every Tuesday and Thursday I’m going to wash the dishes.
  • I am going to buy flowers on Friday For my bride.
List out what you want to accomplish. Then stick to those almost as religiously as you can. Yeah, there’s gonna be times that the’s kid's have an event is on Friday so you may not be able to go out for steak night. However, if every Friday night is date night, then you pretty much will nail every Friday night as being steak night.


Treat those date nights seriously. Maybe Saturday nights are your date nights now. Therefore, you start intentionally getting dressed up. Go two levels better than what you normally dress. Put on some cologne. Add some deodorant. Wash the undercarriage and go out into town with your wife and don’t expect anything in return for the adventure. If you’re expecting something in return that’s called manipulation and you’re breaking the connection even more.



Work on yourself, not on your wife.


The biggest part of improving your connection with her wife is to not try to fix her. If you think the problem is her, then you need to step back and examine your part of the scenario. She is withdrawn. She’s not putting out she’s not wanting to open up, my response would be what did you do to that. I get this is a difficult question to ask because we don’t want to say our Rose our fault but they are. Now could it be that we have been trying everything and our wife has had an affair? Yeah, there is a chance that that’s happened, but there is a bigger chance that she lost the emotional connection thanks to roommate syndrome and she just happened to find a guy who fit the Bill who makes her feel alive again. So you have to face up to the very uncomfortable fact that it’s not 100% your fault, but you did play a part in perpetuating the breakdown of that connection. This statement isn’t a means to bring upon self-hatred in any way, but when you can be honest with yourself, you’re going to be more willing to make the needed changes and put in the needed effort to fix what is broken in your marriage.


That doesn’t mean you start using your wife as a therapist either. That’s what your band of Brothers is about. You see our wives are not supposed to be our therapists. Our wives are not wanting us to open up emotionally. They do not want us to vomit our emotional feelings all over them. They want to be able to pass their negative experiences and their negative emotions over to you so that you can turn them into positive emotions again. They can’t do that when you’re throwing all of your negative experiences at them.


The secret to what women want from us is the one thing that guys don’t enough of and that is talk about the minuscule minute boring details of our day. When they want us to open up, that’s what they’re talking about. You opening up your life events to them. That’s why we struggle as men. We struggle as hard as we do. Because we’re opening up in the wrong way. Women want to be involved in our lives. Step back and look at how your wife talks to her friends. They go into detail about their day what they’re feeling what they’re seeing. What they experiencing. Look at the same scenario that they’re describing. There is this mountain that's got three really big large jagged cracks that go down the length of the mountain and it’s just so majestic when the sun hits it at a particular time of the day and it turns into a bright, fiery orange colored glow. While we just say we saw a big mountain and it was cool to see. These are big differences that help them feel involved in your life. That is what they mean when they say they want you to open up.



Work on your four pillars of Relaxed Male


Think back, to when you and your wife first married. You were young you had dreams and ideas and passions that you were going to conquer the world. What changed between then and now? That Dr. that passion doesn’t burn nearly as hot as it used to if it’s burning at all if it’s even smoldering, how big is your friend now? Maybe one good friend maybe one guy you call a friend but you’re not sure. How are you improving your life? Are you still in this great shape now, as you were 20 years ago? These are all things that attracted to us. So why do you think our wife is not attracted to us now?



Man’s mind


Your mind is the most important tool that you have. It’s what is needed for you to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife. It is also what you need to be a good dad for your kids. Your mind is tied to you. Yeah, so many of us men choose to not Exercise our minds at all. We would rather zone out on television games or anything else than continue to feed our minds. Men as soon as they graduate from high school cut their reading amount in half and then they continue to decrease as they go further in their education and college to where they cut down to almost 90% of the reading by the time they are out of school, we become smarter from the knowledge we receive in books, podcasts, lectures, and conferences. And yes, some of these cost money but others are free.


Most men learn the most from books. Knowledge has been passed down from generation to generation because of books. Yeah, ask people why they don’t read all I fall asleep if I start reading well yeah you will. If you tell yourself that enough do not fall asleep, watching television or watching a movie? Because the movie is shorter that can be some of it yeah but when you are reading, you can take that as a point of pride.


The interesting part about reading…

Transcript

Bryan GoodwinBryan Goodwin

The connection between you and your wife have cooled down. Y'all are in the depth of the roommate syndrome, and you're wanting to know how do you build a connection with your wife again. Can you build a connection? Can you build a better connection with your wife? Yes. You can. We're gonna be talking about that this week on episode 227 of the relaxed male. This is the relaxed

male. A show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms. Join the host of certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps

men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them. Amen. Hello, and welcome to the relax mail. I'm your host, Brian. I am a certified men's coach who, assists men who are just neck deep in the suffering in their life, whether it is the relationship with their wife and their or they even have an impending divorce coming up.

We go through a lot, men, and I we get that. And we know that our day to day struggles can just be overwhelming and just hold us back and keep us where we just wanna just play small and not reach for the the great, wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying relationships that we truly, truly desire.

That's where I come in. That's where this podcast comes in. We sit down, we talk about what it takes to get past the just getting by, just just being there to say hi and passing on in the on the way to the bathroom. We're here to show you how your relationship can actually become better, become greater because roommate syndrome is just an indicator that it's time

for a change up. And that's what we're doing today. We're showing you how to do a change up, how to change, how to build a connection. We're starting from scratch, man. You've just you're you've been sitting there. You've realized that for months and maybe even years now that things just aren't what they need to be. Maybe sex isn't as often as you would think that it's supposed to be. Maybe you haven't had, had an intimate time with your with wife in in months.

Heck, maybe even you're coming up on year or even longer. How do you get a fiery relationship going again? Or one that is full of passion and and love and respect. That's the key. That's the problem. A lot of people don't. They it sounds so daunting, so horrible that and horribly scary to actually take the time to go, dude, I don't know how to get my wife back.

My beautiful bride that I used to have is sitting in the spot right next to me in bed, but yet there's a there's a wall that is blocking us from being able to connect. How do I connect with my wife again? And this is where we've kinda have to start because where what is what is relationship, or roommate syndrome? What does that where does that even come from? And that's a that's a tough one because a lot of times, it sneaks up on us. It's not just all of a sudden one day, it's like, slam.

We've got roommate syndrome on us. No. It's a very slow progression of us just starting to play it safe. We don't wanna get our hurt feelings hurt. We don't wanna hurt the other person. We've had too many arguments with each other before, and so we kinda stop being curious with each other. We start having these little conflict cycles that kick in, and we, wanna avoid talking about finances because it just ends in in in arguments and hurt feelings and slam doors and all this other stuff.

The kids, and we're start trying to mix kids together in into the life. And ever and before you know it, it's you sitting in the living room, playing video games, going to the computer or on your phone watching porn. She's in the air room watching her shows on her phone, talking with friends or talking or just scrolling mindlessly through through different social media channels. And you just, like I've kinda said at the at the intro, it's just y'all kinda

y'all say hi to each other. It's not that y'all don't talk. There's no connection at all. It's just the connection is digressed down to the level of roommate where y'all sit down, you do the the bills, y'all pay the bills, and you carry on. While in a relationship, there's more. There's the longing, the love, the yearning, the the the passion that we crave as men. We I want to walk by and have my wife come up, you know, have my wife grab my ass sometimes. You know?

I want that flirty woman, that that tiger in the bedroom again. How do we do that? Well, you again, we have to look at why it start. We let life we lived life so in unintentionally for so many years that we weren't even aware that our marriage had

cooled off. We started to realize that our life just, we get we get carried away with the river of life, and that's easy to do, man. I know I've I've been there. I've talked about the times that I woke up one day and realized my kids were out of the house, and I never got to do the things that I really wanted to do with them. I never I didn't get to take them to been down the Guadalupe River until they were both both my kids were out of the house. Why?

Because I was not being intentional with how I lived my life. We have connections in our lives. Our wife is one of the biggest anchor points that we have. And those connections, the responsibilities, and the kids, and everything else that come into play, we have to we try to do a very delicate balancing act of making sure that we have our wife

is included, but then, you know, like I said, we have kids. We gotta how do you fit the kids into our lives? And then on top of that, we've got work. And if the wife if your wife works, she's out out and bound. She's doing stuff. She's got all her projects and everything else. You've got your friends who are coming around and going, and they're wanting the time and and all this. And when do you have time for yourself?

When do you have time for you and your wife to to just hold with each other and to just connect, reconnect? These are the questions that that you have to start with, And the key to it all is being intentional. So we have to start with the end in mind. What does it look like if you were able to have tomorrow? You snapped your fingers, and you woke up, and you had the ideal marriage.

Besides for the fact that the moment you woke up, your wife's clothes just fell off of her. She fell to her knees and started going at you. What else? What else is about in this relationship do you want in a in in your marriage? Do you want the late nights where y'all lose each other's,

lose sense of time as y'all are talking about and dreaming about whatever it is y'all are wanting to do with your lives? Even if you're 40, 50 years old, you still have time. There's another 50 years ahead of you. Don't think because you hit mid middle age that now you're on the downhill slide. No. You've hit middle age. Now you're you're in you're setting in foot in in high gear, man. It's time to start having some fun. Start living your life intentionally.

How do you want your marriage? Yeah. You may not be having, you know, sex every 2 hours like you did when you were first married, but you're still going you still have the ability to have passionate lovemaking sessions. But how do you do that? You have to start looking at what what a healthy, loving, passionate marriage is like. Are you going to be able to have all those instances? No. No. Not really.

But you're going to be a lot closer if you start living and start pointing and start directing your relationship with that objective in mind. We wander through life without even handling the rudder. It we we all of a sudden, we wonder, how did I wind up here? Why am I nowhere near the life that I thought I wanted to have? I wanted to be a photographer when I was growing up. I wanted to go out and be known for for my photography. It was just 2 years ago that I finally got my got a camera again.

I hadn't had a camera in almost 30 years. And that is again because of living life without intention. So we have to plan. We have to look. We have to decide. Dream about what it is. Envision what it is you would love to have as the ideal marriage. Then start looking and understand why things changed. Look back, understand how did what part of the circumstance, Why did the marriage die off like it did? And look at what was your part in that scenario. Look at why the marriage

died off. How did you react when something unpleasant happened? Did you blow up? Did you stomp your feet, slam doors, cuss, scream, holler, pout? Or did you show up present with what was happening and try to help find a solution? Not that you were a bull in the china shop, but you just you honestly try to find a solution. Would your wife agree to that assessment? You need to look at the whys. Understand

what got you into this situation. It's gonna take some long, hard conversations with the wife, asking, so how did we calm down? What what what why do we not have deep discussions anymore? And a lot of times, she's gonna be, I don't know, because she's not being intentional with her life. And that's okay. You don't have to drag her along. She will follow.

You just have to start with curiosity, and we're gonna dive into the curiosity part here a little bit more. But looking at how you wanna live your life, how you want to how you wanna have your marriage, that's where we start making our plans. Start laying out those plans. What if what is it that every Saturday, 8 o'clock at night, you're going to go and talk with your wife for maybe 30 minutes.

Set a silent alarm on your watch or something. Something that just lets you know, you know, after 30 minutes, if you're still kinda having a con not really have a conversation, alright. Well, at least you tried having some spent some time with your wife, said more than 3 words to each other. Maybe it's every evening at 6 o'clock. You and the wife grab the dogs and y'all go out and walk for a mile, 2 miles, 4 miles, however many miles you like to walk.

Maybe it is you stepping up and surprising your wife with little treats, maybe every Tuesday Thursday, without telling her, without asking or without announcing that you're doing it. But you just go in and you just wash the dishes, get them put taken care of, start get everything started, and don't add don't seek any recognition. She'll come in.

I guarantee it. She's you don't have to go, oh, I went ahead and washed dishes for you because it's not that you're trying to degrade her or trying to shame her or anything like that. But a lot of times, women, when we just jump into there and we start doing those without without letting and and trying to get a, you know, recognition from her, our those actions are gonna, 1, backfire because she's gonna see it as probably a type of manipulation.

But also, there's a good chance she's going to feel bad because she knows she let the ball fall. She she did she dropped the ball and she might have she she knew she was needing to do dishes and she just didn't. They piled up, and then all of a sudden you decided to take care of it. It would may cause her to feel guilty. But if you just It doesn't mean anything to me. I just did the dishes. They were there. They were in the sink. I had to do them. I did them. So okay. We're good.

Maybe every Friday, you're gonna buy flowers for. Maybe you're just you've decided Friday nights are date night. Saturday night, date night. Boom. We're gonna we have the day. We do our stuff. We get get home. You dress up better than what you are, and you take your wife out for a meal, for a walk in the park, you start dating your wife again. If you wanna have a good connection, that's probably one of the better things to do. Start having

date night again. Take a piece of paper and list out all the accomplishments you wanna have in your marriage. Those are your plans. How do you do that? Know that you're gonna drop the ball. But whenever you do, make it make a a choice on something like date night, Saturday night. Boom. Alright. Good. Stick to it with religious fervor that hardly anything is gonna get between you and your wife's date night. And date night doesn't have to be super extravagant.

Date night, like I said, maybe that you just go and y'all go to the park with some baloney sandwiches, and I can't even stand baloney, but I would make baloney sandwich, sit down, and just have a meal with her outside in the fresh air and just allow for you and her to reconnect. The phones stay in the car, and it's just you offer her arm offer you her you offer her your arm. There's too many yous, hers, and thems, and theys. And

and y'all just go out and you would have a good time of just enjoying each other's company. There's a, yeah, there's a carnival in town. Alright. Yeah. You might spend some extra money and go to the carnival, see if you can win a big old big old teddy bear or something. Be dating again. Treat your wife as your girlfriend. For whatever reason, when we start stop dating,

we get married. It's like, oh, okay. Well, I don't have to work any as hard anymore. I don't have to date my wife anymore. No. You need to still be dating your girl, man. That's the one of the big things we drop every single time. And it's sad that we do this, but it's something that we can fix very easily. We just, again, have to be intentional with it. Now, another thing you wanna make sure you do is work on yourself, not your wife.

Don't come in with a self help book going, hey, babe. You might wanna read this. You know, I made that mistake. Proper care and feeding your husband. Good book. I what I saw myself in that book in so many instances, but I made the mistake of giving it to my wife going, hey. It's the wife has to want to change herself. So, you have to give her the incentive as to why she wants to change. The way you do that is you work on yourself. You lead.

You don't direct. You don't guide. You don't lecture. You don't demand. You eat better. You start exercising. You make constant changes to your life. You make very consistent, very very defined changes. You're if you're drink too much,

maybe you stop drinking. Yeah. I hear you the voice in your head. I it's screaming that loud. Oh, you can't stop. Yeah. Maybe that's something you need to do. Improve yourself. When she sees that you have made changes and that your life is getting better, you're becoming happier, more fulfilled, she's going to go, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Am I going to lose him because he's gotten better? She's gonna even try to convince you to not work so hard

because of the uneasy feeling she has. She wants you to regulate her emotions. And you she can't do that. You can't make her happy. That's one of the most freeing things me and my wife actually did is I abdicated. I I resolved or absolved her from my her responsibility of making me happy. That's the proper term. I add I resolved I released her from her responsibility.

She no longer had to may be responsible or feel like she had to be responsible for my ultimate happiness because that will cause more suffering and more pain in another person's life than if they think they have to do everything they can to make them make the other person happy. That's really hard to do considering 1, you don't have control over the other person's emotions, but 2, you're struggling to make yourself happy. So how are you supposed to make the other person happy?

If we want our wife to open up and to have a better connection with us, we have to work on ourselves. We have to take the time to better who we are. Now, one of the big things if you wanna have a better connection, we wanna talk. Right? That's how we actually connect with each other is not just beside sitting beside her or, you know, connecting with each other, you know, physically, but we also have to talk.

And a lot of the times, us guys, we have been told incorrectly by a lot of feminists and a lot of men who think that they're feminists, and they get to we get told that we're supposed to open up more. We're supposed to be more emotionally available. No. I'm here to let you in on that fact. That is a bald faced misrepresentation of what it is women actually want. Women want you to open up about your day. And, yes, pay attention.

Listen, next time your your wife and a friend of hers are talking on the phone, all you have to do is hear your wife's side of the conversation. Just pay attention to what they're talking about. You will know exactly what they're doing because they're going into minute, just insignificant little details of our of their what their day was. They're talking about having 37.5 Cheerios in their left in the box because junior ate everything else. Women are very detail oriented.

So when they speak and they talk and they share their life with their other women, it is a lot of detail. So what a what do women want when they want us to open up? They want us to open up about our days. You know? How many emails did you search, go through? What did it take for you to find, you know, what was the big problem that you had in your life? And we're gonna go, it's

not really important. It's not there's nothing about that that that is is reigns you know, that's gonna change the world if I share it with her, but it will change her world because she feels included in your life. You used to share all those little details when you were dating her. You had those times when you would talk about and gossip and and have a good time

sharing and talking incessantly like a bunch of chattering birds with each other. And you have to be able to speak without fearing that you're going to step on her toes. If she has an emotional response to something you said, okay. She had an emotional response. Don't try to fix it. And that's part of it. When you're having a conversation with your wife and she's telling you your her day, she's just telling you her day. She's just reporting to you what her day was about.

It's not that you're supposed to go in there and fix it. She wants to fix it. She has the ability to fix it, man. She wants to fix it. She just wants to know that you are emotionally stable enough that you can handle her turmoil also. You can handle her turmoil. You can handle how she her her ups and downs. She may even get angry while she's talking and reenacting the the the day. Can you handle the fact that her thought, her emotions that she's displaying

have no effect on you? They do not affect you. They do not reflect on you. Her emotions are her emotions. Your emotions are your emotions. You cannot be affected by her emotion. Now she can act out on her emotion, and that might affect you. You piss her off enough. She may grab a knife and come after you. Alright? That's her emotional response. Alright? That's her response to what the emotion is she's feeling. But her actual emotion of anger, frustration, sadness, whatever, doesn't affect you.

You have a thought about her being upset and angry. Last night, I got home. Alright. Not at best of moods. She was a little grumbley for some reason. And I asked her, I was like, so what's going on? And she's like, nothing. And there's an anxious attachment style that I'd love to jump into, and I wanna make her being unhappy mean something about me. It has nothing to do with me. I wasn't around at the house. She had something happen.

She was she had a the thought sequence of that caused her to present herself in a grumpy manner. Had nothing to do with me. It took me being very conscious about the fact that it does not center around me. I told her, alright. Well, okay. You wanna talk about it, let me know. I'll I'll be here to listen. Nothing was said about it after that. I still thought about it. I still was sweating that detail for some reason because I have to I want to that that my wife's emotion to be within my benchmark

zone. I want it to be in this little defined zone. And if it she stays there, I know life is okay. If it gets too high, too low, something's going on and I, you know, that's gonna start wigging me out. That's just the nice guy in me. But if you can take the time and be alright with her, just being present with her emotions, being present with her as she talks about what her day is, talks about what's going through her mind. You make your connection that much stronger.

Now another way that you could actually build your connection with your wife up even more is if you work on your 4 pillars of a relaxed male. That is working on the mind, reading books, listen to podcasts, talking to to other people, you know, like, if you are a part of a church, talking to a minister, finding out ways that you can increase your your your connectivity with those people around you, but also with your wife. Learning, growing, developing yourself, developing your mind,

getting mentally stronger, always learning. Never stop learning. Because the moment you stop learning is the moment you start dying. Alright? A man's body is another pillar. Eat right. Exercise. That's what that's all about. And it doesn't mean you have to go vegan either, man. God, no. I hate anybody's thinking they have to go vegan on because of because of the man's body. No. Eat proper amounts of food. Stay away from sugar.

Abstain from cigarettes. Abs you know, have a beer from time to time, have a glass of wine from time to time, but don't go off and drink the whole bottle in one setting. You're not doing yourself any good. You're adding a whole bunch of extra calories, so you're getting yourself fat. You're increasing your chances of of having diabetes and and other things, and you can't protect your wife. A man has to be able to protect his family, and he needs to show and honor his wife by saying, I am willing

to be here with you for the very long haul. I'm gonna be there to protect you. I'm gonna be by your side. I'm gonna be your partner in crime for the rest of your rest of our lives. To be able to do that, you have to take care of your body. You cannot defend your wife properly if you have one foot that you've had one foot because you weren't taking care of yourself. If you walk up, I, I fly to 5 stairs and up to the top of your you're in trouble, man. Your wife is in trouble

because if you get into a hand to hand combat and you're breathing heavy as it is, just going up a flight of stairs, what if you're going to get somebody who is a little bit bet in better shape than you? They're gonna kick your ass. So you have to get into shape. Start just walking does so much for you. It expounds it ex it gets forces the blood vessels in the fingertips and the and your toes to expand so that you get more blood flow going.

Exercise is great, and it's incredible for you and for your health and for the family and for you. If you wanna have better sex, getting yourself into shape so that you actually have proper blood flow to mister happy is an important factor. Alright? Stop watching the porn because, man, you're just killing you're killing yourself

just by flogging the dolphin too damn much. Now not that that kills you, but you're you're killing the creativity, the the drive to get out amongst the world and to exercise and to eat right is what I'm meaning. You need the man's body pillar. The man's soul, what is your purpose? What what is making your soul shine? You have to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. You have to have a reason to just go out and try and try and try again.

This is reason why relaxed males out there. This is my calling. This is my purpose. I have been doing this thing for 7 year 7 7 is it 7 years? 2017, 18, 19. Yeah. Holy crow. Yeah. 7 years. And it's the it wasn't this. It wasn't a coaching site to begin with, but it has been a passion project that has morphed and morphed and morphed again. And that is what's makes it so fun is that I have not run out of topics yet. Have our has the focuses changed

each year? Yeah. We've gone from working on man's mind to working on man's purpose and working out kinda in man's community. And we're gonna be staying in man's community for a while because this is really what makes me shine. This is what makes me happy, gets my juices flowing, man. Just the work the fact that we are talking about purpose is so so tremendous for us in in our life.

We get out of bed. We live longer. When we have a purpose, This is one reason why when you see a man who has done 30 years at a business and he gets gets around to where he gets time. It's time to retire. He retires. He has cake, gets a gold gold plated watch, goes home, plays golf for about a year, 2 years, and then somewhere along the way, he dies. That is because he didn't have a purpose. He lost his purpose. He lost his identity when he stopped working at that company.

Was the company his purpose? It could've been, but he had a sense of purpose. That might've been what his calling was, but he whenever he left, he didn't renew and find another purpose. And so he passed. The same thing happens to older couples. Say, you've got them got them husband and wife and the wife dies at 86 and the gentleman lives another year, if that.

That's one reason why you get so many men who their wife dies, and they die this at the same time with them. He they cannot us men, if we don't have somebody that we can take care of, somebody we can nurture, somebody that we can spend our life with, you're gonna die even faster. That's what's so sad about so many of the young men these days. We're our we're gonna have a a population decrease, not just because the young couples are not having children.

We're in a negative, you know, we're in a decline on kids having having families. They are missing out what it means. They think, oh, I can have kids when I'm 40. No. 1, that means you're 60 years old whenever you're the kid the kid gets out of, gets out of high school. You should be really, you know, kinda starting to really live your own life. Having kids in your twenties is the best time. Having kids in your twenties is when you have most energy to be a mom and dad.

And, oh my gosh, you don't I mean, thirties is okay. But, you know, women, I mean, women who have kids in their forties run the risk of of Down syndrome. Not the down having a child with Down syndrome is a bad thing because they are the happiest beings on the planet. They are walking they are angels that walk among us, but you have you run the a an increased risk of having children with down syndrome from, from women who are in their fifties, late forties, early fifties.

It is so hard for women to be pregnant at that age, but yet we have to have a a purpose. And these men don't aren't getting married at a young age. We should be celebrating, but yet I mean, I remember I had an aunt whenever we me and, my wife got pregnant with the, well, my wife got pregnant. I was just there to apply the secret sauce. But she when we found out we're she was pregnant, I had an aunt who was very much, it's like, oh, you're one of those breeders.

Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of the purpose. You went off and had 2 kids. I you know, we're not overpopulated. I can tell you are that. I mean, we can go on about about all the this you know, the people who scream about misinformation are the ones who seem to be dishing out more misinformation. But the misinformation about population is is almost hysterical when you find out if we were to even just crunch ourselves down into, like, Bangladesh

or New Delhi I mean, not Bangladesh. Bangladesh is a country. But if you were to take it and cram it down into, like, New Delhi density or even Hong Kong density. I think you could take every human in the in the world and fit them into Texas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas, something like that, or maybe it's New Mexico, Texas, and Oklahoma. Anyhow, very small compared to what the rest of the world is. We are nowhere near as as full as we wanna think we are.

But it's when it comes to speaking of full, that's the 4th pillar that you need to have, the man's community. You need to have a community around you, a group of men, other men, and that's the very specific part. You need to have a group of men that you spend very intentional time with. Those men help you keep your masculine energy going. If you don't have that masculine energy, you're you're not going to have the the energy to help support your wife and your kids.

You need to have that energy, that masculine energy, that masculine energy. It's only the best word to describe it. To have that mindset, to be able to have the can do attitude, you have to be able to have masculine energy. And you only get that when you're around other men. So what else do you need to do when it comes to building that connection? Say you've been working on your community. You're still you're wanting to you've got a plan. You're executing it.

Bingo. Beautiful. Awesome. Kick butt. So what do we wanna do? Well, the biggest part when it comes to communication, comes to talking, to build that connection, when you started every Saturday, 8 o'clock, I'm sitting down. I'm having a conversation with the wife whether she wants it or not. And what do you how do you do that? How do you have a conversation with your wife? And that sounds weird because I struggled with the same question.

It's like, well, what do I what do we talk about? Your life. Your dreams, your hopes, your fears. And when your wife is talking, get honestly curious. Ask honest questions. Show them what it is that you're that you are truly invested in their life. Show your wife that you truly do care. Yeah. You're gonna have to listen to the roll out of that really crappy, just mediocre detail boring detailed stuff. But it helps you have a better life with your wife.

You build a better connection. She can trust you. She knows that you're you're there to hear her, and she feels heard. When she feels heard, all of a sudden, her clothes start getting start wearing a little looser. When she talks about particular problems, listen, but don't fix.

If she wants to be wants a problem, she'll or wants a problem fixed, she will ask you to help fix it. I want a solution to this problem. She will ask you and tell you what it is she wants done, and she will tell you, hey. I need this done. If you want if it's bothering you and you wanna try to help her fix it, first ask is like, do you want a solution to this? And she says, no. Okay. Cool. Well, we're gonna continue on with ourselves then and just tell keep keep telling and keep going.

And then after everything is said and done, the big point is take action. Do the scary things. Ask the scary questions. And that big scary question, we're gonna come up on with here in about 2 weeks. Next week, actually gonna talk about some of the habits that we do that actually break connections. So that'll become in episode 228. But the week after that, we're gonna talk about the really scary question that the question that keeps us from actually having more sex

because we don't ever ask this question. And that is you ask. Hey. You wanna wanna go fool around in bed? And be okay with the no and not take that personally? Can you have a discussion and it not be taken personally? Can you have ask questions and have her responses be not taken personally? It's not a, it's not a point, a a diss at you. It's not her talking smack about you. It is her talking about her views of what the circumstance are currently and currently is.

But when you take the time, you work on the man's pillar, work on the man's body, get better communication skills by working on the on the man's mind. You work on all of these, you're going to have results. Your thoughts create your results. Remember that. You're always going to have stronger results when you actually start paying attention to what what the thought is behind the behind the emotion. Why are you feeling

upset about what it is she said? Well, because, she's she says she doesn't love me anymore. No. No. She said, she thinks she needs to lose she's thinks you need to lose a little weight. That's just her observation. Do you? Honestly, probably so. But at the same time, it's just a just a thought. So, guys, I wanna say thank you very much for listening, taking care of of listening, and and because our relationships with our wives are so incredibly important.

They are the reason that we got married. We wanted to be around our wife. If you want to find a way of building that connection, building that strong, powerful connection. I've got still I still have several openings available for the coaching offer that I have. That is 3 months of 1 on 1 coaching for just $300. We will take you find a the we will isolate the problem. We will take that problem. We will

come up with a action plan. And with that action plan, you can actually start making steps towards improving your life. And that whole time, looking at what's causing you from being able to take the steps that are needed so that that hold these thoughts and these, these actions and the emotions that keep you back can be rectified, can be changed. We can get a better solution. All we have to do is just take the next step.

If you're looking to take the next step, just go to relaxmail.comforward/coachingoffer. And there, we will we'll have a a little form. Just fill it out, and I'll send you a a a Zoom link, and and we'll get you all set up. We'll let let you decide when and where you wanna talk. We'll sit down, we'll have a discussion, and and we'll go from there. So, guys, thank you again for listening. If anything that I said here resonated with you, please share this out. Share it on the Facebook.

With friends. Send it to them as a, as a text message saying, man, this resonated with me in such a way. I thought, all I could think of was you need to hear this. So if you want to have the relationship that you want, take that next step. Relaxmail.comforward/coachingoffer. Or you can go to the go to the webpage and actually just hit the button, take the next step,

and we'll we'll get you done. We'll get you there. So, guys, thank you again for listening. Y'all take care. We're gonna have y'all have a great rest of the, rest of the week, and we will see y'all next week. Till then. Bye.

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