Kierstyn: [00:00:00] if you've ever gone back to your ex, you want to go back to your ex. You wonder why it keeps happening. If you're currently back with who should be an ex, this episode's for you. And it's to create a safe place for you to feel understood, to educate yourself, to give you some tools.
Kierstyn: If this is a relationship you need to be ending, let's do it Welcome back to the Relationship Recovery Podcast. Today, we are talking about why we keep going back to our exes. Yeah, this is going to [00:01:00] be a good episode. I think so too. We hear it a lot and there's a lot of shame around it. And so I, I just want to talk about it and make
Tiffany: it okay. Yeah. Because, you know, I mean, we know in abusive relationships anyways, that, you know, a lot of times people, it'll take.
Tiffany: Seven times or more, you know, to get out of those and people just go back to them and it's not shameful. It's just part of the process.
Kierstyn: It's totally part of the process. You know, we, and we're going to dive into this a little more, but we actually shared, I'd love to hear your guys feedback on this.
Kierstyn: Because we shared a trauma bond TikTok or real, we put it on Instagram and maybe I, anyways, we put it on one or both of those platforms and we got this feedback on it. And I was the one that said, I said, you know, these, these relationships are addicting. And I just really want to be very clear, [00:02:00] never am I shaming the victim with that.
Kierstyn: But there were a couple of people that were like, well, when you say it's an addiction, you say. There's something wrong with the victim and it takes it away from the abuser and that's not the case at all. That's not what I'm saying at all. No. What we're saying is, the real, I personally, when I heard that, and maybe I don't know how you felt, but when I was told that this is an addictive beast, it actually made me feel like there's nothing wrong with me.
Kierstyn: Because I was thinking there is something in my core that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back to these toxic people. Like, it must be, there's something wrong with me. And so when I was able to recognize, oh, there's addictive components. I actually was able to work with it better because I wasn't shaming my core self.
Tiffany: Right. I mean, I remember watching a video on the study that they were doing on the brain and they showed a brain that was on heroin and a brain that was trying to leave a, like a [00:03:00] narcissistic abusive relationship. And, um, they lit up exactly the same. And to me, it was such a relief because you can
Kierstyn: Google that.
Tiffany: Yeah. And it, and it was just a relief to me to know that it's actually something that is happening, you know, in my brain and that's why it's so hard and it's nothing that's wrong with me. It's just that the situation that I was in made it, that, that pull to go back was so strong. Right. A
Kierstyn: hundred percent.
Kierstyn: And there's so many different layers to it. And we're going to dissect that all in this, in today's podcast. So if you've ever gone back to your ex, you want to go back to your ex. You wonder why it keeps happening. If you're currently back with who should be an ex, this episode's for you. And it's to create a safe place for you to feel understood, to educate yourself, to give you some tools.
Kierstyn: If this is a relationship you need to be ending, let's do it. You don't have to stay here, but let's talk about it and just know you're not [00:04:00] alone. I think that's kind of the main thing I want to communicate today is because so many of our clients. When I get on the phone with them and they're back with their ex and and they usually came to us because You know, they they may have still been in the relationship or they may have been out But they've gotten out and now they're back and then they just shut down healing and helping themselves because there's so much shame around it And I'm not just talking about abusive like physically abusive or emotionally I mean typically there's emotional or some sort of toxic component going on But just in general like I There's so much shame around going back to your past partner and most people don't just break up and stay broken up.
Tiffany: Exactly. And I tell my clients, I don't know what you tell yours, but I tell them, you know, if they're in a situation where they've just barely broken up, I will always preface it as I'm here to meet you where you're at. And so if you go back into that relationship, I don't want you to not show up for coaching because you're embarrassed or ashamed to tell me [00:05:00] I, because I think that, you know, we've both seen that happen
Kierstyn: with
Tiffany: people that just they'll quit coaching because they feel too bad to.
Kierstyn: And we haven't had that in a long time because we do have that in prep in place. Cause it's not our job. Just so you know, if you're listening, if you're looking for support, we offer one on one coaching. You can book a call. There's a link here in the show notes. Um, we are, we're here to support you on your journey to make the best decision for yourself.
Kierstyn: It is not our job to tell you whether you should or shouldn't be on a relationship. We're just supporting what you're saying you want. Helping you connect to you and heal the parts of you that so you can be a healthier version of you. That's a lot of use, but that's how much coaching's about you. It's not about the other person.
Kierstyn: And so I do the same thing. I tell people all the time, I say, Hey, if you are contacting this person, if you're going back to the relationship, please keep supporting yourself. Please don't stop. Like I don't. I don't [00:06:00] care if you're still talking to 'em. And my best clients. are just so brutally honest about it.
Kierstyn: And I actually think they're doing better work because they're showing up authentically and typically they can't tell anybody else because if they've had these big breakups or tears have fallen or whatever their friends and family think, if I shame them for going back, they'll stop. If I threaten them, Like our relationship, they'll stop going back.
Kierstyn: And that's like the opposite of what you should be doing. If you have a friend that's going back, because then they're going to just feel shame and hide from you or ghost you. Like I've seen where people end relationships because they're like, they told me they can't talk to me and I'm just not ready to end this relationship.
Kierstyn: And anyways, and so I just try to make sure they have a safe place to go and be honest and authentic. And they'll end it. And know what I find is the people that know they need to end up the relationship, they end it when they're ready.
Tiffany: And they're stronger and
Kierstyn: healed
Tiffany: and
Kierstyn: that's their journey. And if you're a friend or family member that's [00:07:00] listening to this, cause you're trying to support somebody, my best advice to you is love them.
Kierstyn: Give them grace. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with the person if they're abusive to you because we see that sometimes where they, like, they're mistreating a friend or family member like their, their partner will mistreat them. You can have whatever boundaries you want, but don't abandon the person or shame them for being in that relationship.
Kierstyn: Create a safe place. Tell them the truth. Tell them what you're seeing, but don't shame them into trying to end the relationship. It always backfires.
Tiffany: It does. And, you know, I do know it's like you are on the sidelines watching. You know the person that you love in something like this. It's it's hard, right?
Tiffany: It's hard to not say something But you will end up having a stronger relationship with that person ultimately if you can just stand
Kierstyn: by and be that support I agree. So before we jump in we have a new segment. I actually had somebody asked me why we weren't doing celebrity Like, cause we used to do like the hot takes of what was going on.[00:08:00]
Kierstyn: The reason we stopped doing it, if anyone, just a little two cent, if you've been listening for a while and you're like, where did the celebrity gossip go?
Kierstyn: I decided they were human, you know, and I decided that the, you know, us dissecting there, although there's great examples and when we were using like characters from shows, I didn't mind that as much cause they're not real humans. Right. Right. But. I think it was kind of the, did you feel like it was princess Kate?
Kierstyn: Yes. Was that what it was? Yeah. There was a lot of speculation around her and we didn't talk about it. Did we know we didn't talk about princess Kate, but there was this Instagram that was like coming up with all these theories and. That was so detrimental to Kate. And then she came out and had cancer.
Kierstyn: And I bet they felt horrendous because they were saying horrendous things about this woman. Now, no, we, I don't think we ever really crossed that line, but I just, Tiffany and I had a discussion and we're like, we never want to be someone [00:09:00] that's picking apart somebody publicly or, you know, analyzing their life.
Kierstyn: And people are starting to take on our theories about this. They're human beings.
Tiffany: Yeah. And we don't know these people. We don't know what their situation is. So no, it just felt. Yeah. It
Kierstyn: felt like it was time for us that we were like, it was fun, but that's not what we are. That's not what our goals are here.
Kierstyn: And will we talk about things like there might be things that come up, right? Like if we see a pattern or, you know, I'm not saying we'll never talk about somebody that's a celebrity or what's going on. Or, you know, I mean, for example, like the whole, we've talked about doing something about like Britney Spears and like her That was her book, though, so it's us weighing in on her voice, you know?
Kierstyn: I mean, we'll see. But anyways, so what are you, what are you loving? What
Tiffany: am I loving? Because we
Kierstyn: think this segment's fun. Yes. If you guys, if there's another segment I did, we'd love to hear from you. If you want to hear things from us, we'll tell you.
Tiffany: Yeah, I've had a lot of people, um, text me and say, can I get the link for the face masks?
Tiffany: So we probably should have [00:10:00] linked it in the show notes.
Kierstyn: Yeah, we'll link those. Yeah. We'll link the, the masks from a couple episodes
Tiffany: ago. So. We live in Utah, our weather is just so dry. And when the seasons change, my lips just get so, so chapped. So I found this, it's by, um, Laroche Jose. Is that how you say that?
Kierstyn: I'm not gonna try 'cause I slaughter it too, but yeah, it said like, yeah, yeah. Anyways, we'll link it from Amazon. Okay. And we had to,
Tiffany: we had to like do the, what is it, the type the word in and then you can hear how it's pronounced.
Kierstyn: Yeah.
Tiffany: She's like, how do you announce that?
Kierstyn: I'm like, I'm, I'm asking Google.
Tiffany: Yeah. So it's called. Yeah. Yeah. And anyways, it's phenomenal. I like the Lin, Lin, Lin, what is it? Linage or Linage? I can't remember.
Kierstyn: We should play a game where we pronounce things. Anyways, there's another one I like, but this one is actually better. Actually, I was looking for it because I have it, but that's awesome because I think that one's more affordable, [00:11:00] right?
Kierstyn: So we'll, we'll link it. Well, I guess the thing I'm loving right now, since, um, We were doing beauty items. I'm gonna participate in a beauty item today because I told her I'm like I'm not really sure what I was gonna say, but I really loved this dibs makeup Um, they're cream based and I've always been a cream based gal.
Kierstyn: I really like it Um, but they're sticks and so and they have really pretty colors And they go on really well, I feel like, and I, I like that the bronzer and the blush are just on a stick and you flip it and put it on, but it's called Dibs, D I B S. And I also like their status stick, and then I've been using the Desert Island Duo, and I've been, personally I've been using it at 2.
Kierstyn: 5, um, the 2. 5. Let's see, I'll tell you what it's called. It's called Cool Girl and No Shade. Yeah.
Tiffany: It's a number
Kierstyn: 5 bestseller on Revolve.
Tiffany: On Revolve. So, [00:12:00] where do you, I mean, I guess we can link it. Yeah, we're going to link
Kierstyn: them. We're going to link them. I think they're all on Amazon. So, might as well, we'll link it up and if you guys all have to tell us if you like them too.
Kierstyn: Cause, you know, we're always about sharing all the good finds. Yeah. Why not? You can, you can go through a breakup and look good doing it. You know what I mean?
Tiffany: Oh my goodness.
Kierstyn: Let's start by talking about the reasons for reconnecting with our ex, because I think a lot of people don't understand why they do it. And so if they start recognizing some of these things and have an awareness, I think it would be helpful because we do, there's many different reasons why we might reconnect with our ex, but I would say these are some of the common ones we found doing this over the last 10 years.
Kierstyn: Yep. I agree.
Tiffany: I agree.
Kierstyn: So the big one's loneliness or fear of being alone. Because Yeah. I don't know about you, but a lot of my clients too have never really been alone because they've They've always been [00:13:00] someone that likes to take care of someone else because typically if you're in these, sometimes you're codependent in these relationships, um, or they, they jump, they get married really young.
Kierstyn: They see that a lot too. Like we'll have somebody that goes from like living with their parents straight into a relationship and then they're like, Oh, holy cow. I've been in this relationship for five, 10, 15, 20 years. I don't know how to be by myself, so I'm just going to stay, just going to
Tiffany: stay. Oh, I don't know about you, but.
Tiffany: I just remember walking into my townhouse at the time, and the kids were with their dad, and just this deep, like, gut wrenching loneliness, and, oh, it just, I never want to go back to that, you know, so if you know, if you, if you've experienced that, it's just, it's a really hard place to be.
Kierstyn: It, it is, it's hard to feel alone and feel lonely.
Kierstyn: And then you also worry about the judgment that comes with being alone, depending on your age too. Like it can be very different for each age. [00:14:00] There's also kind of this, we don't have this on here, but just this, this just came to me too, like the, the fear of being alone. Judgment of being divorced or being single or being a single parent or, you know, depending on your culture, sometimes there's some cultural, like here in Utah, there's a culture aspect to it.
Kierstyn: I think sometimes, um, I think it's gotten better. I actually would give it that because I think divorce is so high, but now you, I mean, the shame is coming down around it. Um. Yeah. I think there's a lot, a lot, a lot of pieces to it. But I think filling that fear of being alone is scary because now you're going to have to sit in your thoughts and like deal with your trauma and you're going to have to, and sometimes we don't financially know like what we're doing, or maybe we don't know how to change the tire on the car or like, there's also kind of this like partnership aspect to it.
Kierstyn: So even if they weren't great, you've lost the person that does the [00:15:00] things you're like, Oh, I guess I do the things or. I mean, there's so many different components to
Tiffany: it. I have a client and she got kind of in a little bit of a fender bender. And then later that day, she was trying to get her Christmas tree down and that was the first thing that, you know, she said is, you know, I just, I've had to do this by myself and I sometimes just think if I went back, it would be easier.
Kierstyn: Those
Tiffany: were her exact words. So,
Kierstyn: well, and it's, it's hard to be alone. It's hard to, I mean, there's just so many different aspects to it. And yeah, so I, the first one is fear of loneliness in there. Like I said, we could, we could do a whole episode about loneliness.
Tiffany: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Next we have guilt and responsibility.
Tiffany: And you know, in our world, most of the time the woman leaves. Because they're in this particular type of relationship and it's abusive and that's the only way out is for her to leave and, [00:16:00] you know, I, I feel like, you know, for me, that was my exact version of what happened and so I just think, you know, You know, all of those guilty feelings of, you know, am I breaking up my family, what's going to happen with the kids, is he going to be able to do the things that I used to do in, in the house and keep up on the things?
Tiffany: There's just a lot of different pieces around that, that guilt and, uh, responsibility for your family.
Kierstyn: And the other part, too, is typically in this really, these relationships. You've been, you've been like groomed to be responsible for every need that this partner has, especially in these more extreme relationships.
Kierstyn: So like it, your system is going to go, Oh, you're responsible for their happiness. You're responsible for, you know, taking care of them because that's what you've been groomed to do. So. And you've probably taken on more than, you know, I find that a lot, I don't know about [00:17:00] your clients, but a lot of my clients are actually pretty fiercely independent because they haven't had anyone take care of them at all.
Tiffany: Right.
Kierstyn: But there's an illusion like for moving the Christmas tree, that that's like something they're not helping with anything, but then you were like, who's going to take care of them? Who's going to make sure, or sometimes, you know, we'll have somebody that says they're responsible for. Yeah. They're, like I said, happiness or their mental wellbeing.
Kierstyn: So like if the other person's now acting sad or, you know, I've even heard this is insane, but it's your fault that I got an STD because I went and slept with someone else because you left me and I have sexual needs. What? Get out of here.
Tiffany: Right.
Kierstyn: But now I have this STD and it's like, no, that's probably not, no, not the person's fault.
Tiffany: No, not at all. Yeah. That, but you know, it is, it's, uh, a big thing that happens when you leave. So, uh, the, another one is jealousy and reactivity. So seeing [00:18:00] your ex move on can trigger those impulsive decisions to reconnect, even though your relationship isn't good for you at all. Um, watching your ex move on is tough.
Tiffany: And, um, one thing that kind of stands out to me on that is you and I were both working at systemic and a mutual friend of my husband and I came in and he You know, gave me some information about who my husband was dating and it just like, I had to go home from work. It, it was like crushing to me. And I remember thinking, I, I do not even remotely like want to be with that person.
Tiffany: So why am I feeling this way? And it's just part of the process. It, it is. It's part of the process. I talk to my clients about it all the time when they're in that situation and they've just gotten divorced of. you know, we need to get some things put in place because when your ex starts to date, it's going to be really tough on you.
Tiffany: So, [00:19:00] yeah,
Kierstyn: I, I hear that a lot. Another version of that I hear is that they're worried, they're jealous of the person that they're not even with yet. And they worry they're going to be better for them because then they think, because really what you're saying is you're worried you weren't enough to make them who you wanted them to be.
Kierstyn: Because again, they put all this responsibility on you that you are responsible for them and their behavior and their happiness and blah, blah, blah. And if you would just behave this way, I would show up and be the husband you want, or I would show up and be the wife that you want, because that's kind of how this goes, right?
Kierstyn: And not even just husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, whatever you want to call it. Those are just, those are just. The subject matter, but my point being is that people just worry that they're gonna be the better version of themselves for the next person. Right. And they're not.
Tiffany: No. And the truth is, is that person's gonna be exactly the same in the next relationship as they were with you because they haven't [00:20:00] made the changes that they need to make.
Kierstyn: Yeah. And they might be able to give more of an illusion. I mean, they might be able to paint the picture because you don't know who's also participating in that. But it's, you'll typically find the same patterns because like you just said, they're not doing the work. Mm
Tiffany: hmm.
Kierstyn: And typically they're incapable sometimes.
Kierstyn: I mean, they, I mean, well, I want to be careful with that because I think there's so much research now around neuroplasticity that people can change, but if you don't have somebody that's willing or aware to change, then they're not going to, and that's typically what you're dealing with. Now, there are circumstances where people are just plain not capable, whether that's for physical reasons or whatever it may be.
Kierstyn: Anyways, it's, the point is, is there's not an awareness or willingness typically, and they're not going to change for the next person. The other reason why we go back is because it's familiar and comfortable and, you know, we have this human tendency to seek out familiar relationships even if they are unhealthy.
Kierstyn: We will choose the suffering [00:21:00] we are familiar with. Because it's attractive to us because it's predictable. We know what to do with it. We know how to handle it. And this can be consciously or it could be subconsciously. Like I've talked to people and they're like, I swear, I know this isn't healthy for me, but I just keep ending up here again.
Kierstyn: And we just stay stuck in those cycles because sometimes our subconscious is like, well, we know, we know what to do with this. We know how to do this. And we feel really uncomfortable in healthy relationships sometimes. And we stay in these same cycles and we just keep going back. I've had so many discussions with my clients where it's like, they'll say, I know he hasn't changed or she hasn't changed and the same thing just keeps happening, and they cheat on me again or they mistreat me again or they tell me I'm the worst again or they start mentally and emotionally abusing me, but I just, it's so hard.
Kierstyn: It's hard to leave what we're familiar with. For me, actually, this I, one of my [00:22:00] first, if not, I would say actually my very first relationship and this is, I'm just going to put a little like plug here. Talk to your teens. When teens start dating, it sets the stage. For all dating, I don't know why there's this funny little thing about like, and we should do a whole podcast.
Kierstyn: In fact, we're going to do a whole podcast about teen dating because it drives me nuts when people just say, well, it's when they're, they're just teenagers. It's, it's just early dating. It's whatever, like they're going to grow out of it. They're going to, those relationships set the stage because my first relationship is really where a lot of these patterns came.
Kierstyn: And I would say it was probably my most. volatile relationship.
Tiffany: Well, yeah. And if you look at, um, you know, if you look at some teens and you look at like what's being modeled to them in their own home, they're going to pass that on. Right. That's [00:23:00] how they know how to treat somebody is, you know, what's being modeled to them.
Tiffany: So I think. Educating and getting in front of the, the kids in the schools and stuff would be like an amazing thing for them to have an amazing tool so that they did know how to treat people. Right?
Kierstyn: Yeah. Nice. I would love for us to do that. But so if you know any schools call us, cause we'd be happy to talk about it.
Kierstyn: Cause I actually think we would get ahead of both the victims and the abusers. I think we would have less abusers unless, because I think they learn healthy patterns. If we talked about relationships in schools, but I will get off my soapbox and share my experience, but like I stayed in the same relationship, probably most of high school, probably early, like ninth grade, almost my senior year, because it was like three or four years.
Kierstyn: And some of you might be going, well, that's young and whatever that relationships, whatever, but it was extremely abusive mentally, psychologically, sexually. All of it. It was a really abusive relationship and it really [00:24:00] set the stage and I just remember having all the shame about being in this relationship.
Kierstyn: I thought I wasn't good enough. I would just kind of go back and it was who I was comfortable with. And he really didn't treat me very well at all. And like I said, seriously, probably the worst relationship I'd been in. I remember there was this time just to kind of set the stage, like how, how much of a toxic cycle I was in and trauma bond in this relationship and how I'd been mistreated.
Kierstyn: And there's also some cultural aspects. I think I didn't feel worthy of any other relationship because as a really young kid, I thought I was broken because. I'd been in this relationship at all and I, I didn't think anyone else wanted me or could want me. And I just kind of leaned into like, this is all I've got and I'm going to hold onto it.
Kierstyn: And you know, he said he loved me and you know, I, I'm dealing with a teenage brain here. I'd like to think I was pretty smart in other aspects. That's the other part. Like I thought [00:25:00] because I was book smart, I was like life smart and I was not, I did not have any of the tools to deal with this relationship.
Kierstyn: I knew nothing. And anyways, I kept repeating this and just to kind of like, there was even a time where he had a bet, and this sounds childish, but it's so, it's like, in my brain, he had a bet that I would never leave. I would not leave. He could do pretty much anything to me and I wouldn't leave. And he literally egged me inside my car.
Tiffany: Ugh, it just makes me so mad when you tell this story.
Kierstyn: I know. It makes me mad at myself. Well, actually, I want to go hug me and be like, what the heck? Because Kirsten today versus Kirsten then, we are two different people and that was a girl that had a lot of wounding, needed a lot of help and support. I learned a lot of things from, you know, outside resources, and I'm not shaming or blaming anyone.
Kierstyn: Um, but I just, and a lot of it, to be honest, and this is why it's important to communicate with your teens. I wasn't sharing any of this. I wasn't talking to anybody about it because it was super shameful [00:26:00] and I wasn't telling, you know, my parents necessarily, I think they knew to an extent, but they, they kind of tried to do what they could and what they had, what they knew, you know, cause they both didn't really grow up.
Kierstyn: With support and teen dating either. I mean, my, my dad, bless his heart, his parents died really younger. We're, you know, we're in hospitals and, um, my mom's family had its own generational trauma going on. And I just think nobody had any tools. You know, and so I don't really put, try to push blame there necessarily.
Kierstyn: But, and like I said, it wasn't sharing a lot of information cause there wasn't communication. And anyways, my point being is like, I went back to that relationship and when we're talking about familiarity and comfort, we're not talking about like warm and fuzzy, it's just what we knew. And I think there were, there were other components too.
Kierstyn: I mean, I was young, like I said, it's all I knew and you can be, then some of you might be listening to this and [00:27:00] being like, He ate you and he went back and that the reason I use that example is because that's how Gaslit I was into this relationship. That's how Traumatized. Like I just really believed my worth wasn't more than this relationship and it took me a long time to get out, but I went back over and over relationships in between.
Kierstyn: If he contacted me, I would just end up kind of back into it because he was just start contacting me again and I had to go, I had to go no contact for that relationship to end. Oh,
Tiffany: absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, I get asked a lot of, you know, if it was so bad, why did you stay so long? I mean, this is just like proof of what we've been talking about today, that it's really complicated.
Tiffany: It's way more complicated than, you know, just jumping out. So because it has a cycle to it, right? So that relationship starts out with love bombing and, you know, telling you that you're their soulmate [00:28:00] and you're the best thing ever, right? And then they start to devalue you and then they discard you. And then they hoover you back up,, so it creates a cycle. And within that cycle, that's when the trauma bond happens. So every time you go around that cycle, it gets tighter and tighter and tighter. And that is why it's so hard to get out.
Kierstyn: A hundred percent. And that relationship was the hardest to get out.
Kierstyn: And like I said, you can minimize it cause I was a teen. You can minimize what was going on, but all of those cycles were there. And like I said, it was probably my most abusive relationship. And there was a lot there. Like it was that. You know, I, like you said, I think there was a worthiness thing, like where I was like, Oh my gosh, I can't, I I'm so broken.
Kierstyn: I'm not perfect anymore. Not that I ever was like, there was such a belief system around that there was physical and emotional abuse. There was sexual pieces to it. There was just so like a lot of shaming, a lot of, you know, just, it was awful. Lots of lying, [00:29:00] lots of manipulation. I mean, like if that were, unfortunately I do know that this person.
Kierstyn: Into the adulthood continued their patterns for those of you that are like, Oh, they're going to change for the next person. They don't. And you know, I feel so bad for the people that were after, but it didn't get better. I saw, I've seen that there's charges, you know, later on in life. I saw a couple of charges that popped up in the news.
Kierstyn: Just, I don't remember somebody told me, I think somebody sent it to me and was like, Hey, Check this out and you know, I'm sad for the, those that are affected, that's awful, but I'm so grateful I went no contact because even though I continued to have some of those relationship turns later, that wasn't my only toxic relationship because we often continue until we make changes.
Kierstyn: I can honestly say, man, I'm so grateful that for some reason, you know, I went no contact in that relationship and it worked. And then I was able to do [00:30:00] work later. It might've taken me a couple of relationships later, but that's why I hope you guys find this, this, the relationship recovery early, because I don't want you to do what I did.
Kierstyn: I repeated it and I ended up in more relationships that weren't healthy. And, but that one was definitely one of my most volatile.
Kierstyn: So anyways, I'm so glad you brought up trauma bonds because I think the reason we stay in these relationships and the cycle of going back is there are things. There's more at play than just an emotional tie to somebody. And we always, we think from the outside looking in, they're just going back because like, why are they going back?
Kierstyn: Like we hear that all the time. Why are they going back? And it's so much bigger. Like you said, every time it goes around, you get sucked in more and more. And like, I just shared a little bit of that story. There was so many different components for why I went back to that relationship. Like, and now that I'm out of it, like years and years, I mean, I can see like, you know, some of it was cultural.
Kierstyn: Some of it was what my religious [00:31:00] misunderstandings, I'm going to go with that. There might be more, maybe religion, religious trauma, actually I'm going to go with religious trauma, um, played a role. There was, um, you know, lack of tools,
Tiffany: right?
Kierstyn: There was, um, the abusive patterns, but the trauma, it wasn't just that I was stupid and I kept staying in this relationship.
Kierstyn: That's never the case. No, it's
Tiffany: never the case. It's never the case. It can happen to anybody.
Kierstyn: A hundred percent. And so anyways, just my point being of sharing that story is I, I want you guys to know you're not alone. Like that's always been one of the main goals here at the relationship recovery that we can say, we've walked it, we've learned tools and resources, and now we're way ahead of it.
Kierstyn: And you know, that's all we want to do is just be a few steps ahead of you guys with tools and resources. And yeah, now we're certified and, you know, we, We have done this somatic training and we know things about trauma, but I think our most powerful piece is I Get it. I think you and I [00:32:00] can both say that.
Kierstyn: Yeah, absolutely
Tiffany: 100 percent
Kierstyn: so with that being said I think it's important that we talk about breaking the cycle of going back and I think one of the really important pieces to breaking the cycle is recognizing your emotions and thoughts, like I talked about that subconscious piece. Mm-Hmm. a lot of, you know, understanding why you go back to those relationships, what you're saying to yourself.
Kierstyn: Um. The trauma that's brought you there, like all those outside components we just talked about, you need to work through each of those to break this relationship. You need to work through the thought processes of, you know, this is the only thing I'm going to get. This is the best I'm going to get. Or, I'm going to be alone.
Kierstyn: Nobody's going to want me. Or, and these are just examples, but some of these thought processes are coming from our subconscious and you need to work through those. Or, why are the, you know, why do you feel comfortable in these relationships? Did you, did you see it as a kid? Yeah. There's so many different pieces.
Kierstyn: So I think recognizing those emotions and thoughts and working through [00:33:00] those belief systems is important. That's one of the core pieces to our coaching program. So if you're, you're not sure where to start, book a one on one call with one of us. We'll help you identify what they are and why you're going back and then you work through them.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Kierstyn: And I, I'd say that's frees people more than anything else. It's almost like, and they don't have to think about it once they're able to work through it. They're like, Oh
Tiffany: yeah,
Kierstyn: I don't need that. That's not true.
Tiffany: Right. Right. It just like they come to this place of like understanding it and accepting it and with acceptance comes freedom and it just doesn't, you know, it doesn't take up all the space in their brain.
Tiffany: That's not what they're thinking about anymore. They're living their life for themselves, not, you know, for this relationship that they're broken up from and, you know, trying to deal with so hundred
Kierstyn: percent.
Tiffany: Um, I think another good one is, you know, when you, you know, break up with somebody and you're. You know, now living in your own space and you have a lot of time to think, a lot of times what will happen is you'll think about the good pieces of the [00:34:00] relationship.
Tiffany: And one thing I like to tell my clients is really think of that relationship as a whole and think of all of the pieces of it because then it keeps you out of the cycle of, you know, but it was so good. It was so good at times, you know, when you can look at it as a whole, you can, that the bad will outweigh the good and, and that will, you know.
Tiffany: Make that a little bit easier to work through.
Kierstyn: One of my favorite tools is the Book of Truths with that too. Yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah, my, the Book of Truths, I mean we talk about it a lot. We'll talk about it like again just for those that may be new here, but the Book of Truths is just a place where you can write Your experience is down, your interaction with your ex.
Tiffany: Um, you can write it down, you can put it in your phone, you can do whatever is comfortable for you, but it just gives you a place to go back and go, no, this is how it happened. Mm-Hmm, . And I also love it because it's also a place where you can go back and look [00:35:00] and go, wow, I have come a long ways. And it just keeps a good record.
Tiffany: But you know, it's, we know that gas lighting and those things. are huge in these types of relationships. And so it's sometimes hard to really not be knocked off your axis. And so that is such a helpful tool. So,
Kierstyn: yeah, it, and it can look like screenshots. It can look like, you know, thoughts you had or, you know, emotions you had.
Kierstyn: And. You know, store actual, like you can write it down, like you're a police officer and you're taking down, like, this is what happened and then add in, this is how it made me fail. Because then you can remember those things. And I think it's one of the most powerful tools. And we're planning to have either a physical book or have a PDF download, um, because it's become such a requested piece to.
Kierstyn: What we do, but you don't need to overcomplicate right now. Just journal, just write it down, write down what happened, write down your story, write down everything that happened, because then it'll remind you. Cause I have, I hear people all the time. They're like, okay, I've got [00:36:00] a whole album in my phone of just screenshots of what they've said to me in text messages.
Kierstyn: And I go back to remind myself, Nope, this person is awful. It's verbally and emotionally abusive. Here it is. Um, I think another thing that will help you to break the cycle is setting boundaries. The boundaries are so important. It's, it's crucial. You need to decide what your boundaries are once the relationship ends.
Kierstyn: I know people want to be friends. Um, I know you want to have this perfect co parenting experience, but you need to have boundaries to protect yourself. Um, If no contact is available in these relationships, it's usually the best option when you, when you decide you don't want to be with someone and you can go no contact.
Kierstyn: And if we're talking about emotional or physical abuse, of course, that's, if you can do it, fantastic. If you have kids involved, then I would. Make that as close to [00:37:00] possible as you can. Um, there's lots of really great resources. Like our family wizard is a great one, I think. Um, which kind of makes it so you can limit contact and you know, it's being, the judge can access it, lawyers can access it.
Kierstyn: So people tend to be on better behavior, not always, but tend to be, um, just making sure you have really good boundaries about what you talk about. Maybe it's all verbal. You don't have to be in person. I mean, there's just so many ways and you just need to be smart about it. You need to set those boundaries for yourself because if you just, especially if you're somebody that just keeps going back to the same person, no contact is the best way to go.
Tiffany: It
Kierstyn: just is. If you're not ready, be patient with yourself, but it just is if you can.
Tiffany: Yeah. I, I mean, I was no contact for six years and not for the reason of, of going back, but for, you know, for other reasons. And honestly, it was, it was. I probably grew the most in those six years because I had room to, you know, I wasn't, I didn't have [00:38:00] my focus on that other person.
Tiffany: You know, I had to focus on myself and you know, it really was, you know, a valuable time in my life. Yeah.
Kierstyn: No contact saved. Honestly, not to be dramatic. I think no contact saved my life in a lot of ways. Because I even reflect, I'm so, like, even the relationships after, but I've, I've reflected on, but if I never ended that relationship I referenced in this, I would have been a mess.
Kierstyn: Oh, yeah. I have no idea where I would be. I know that person was extremely involved in, like, other choices. I wonder if I would have eventually been worn down and participated in, you know, Drug abuse or whatever else I, it's just a fast track to a really awful life. And like I said, I got to, I got to see a glimpse of where that person ended up and how they ended up trading future later partners.
Kierstyn: And I'm just super grateful. Like no contact, it's your life, you know, it can save your life in a lot of ways. And I'm just so grateful. I went no contact cause I have no, [00:39:00] I have no doubt in my mind. It would just continue to escalate to a really volatile place. Yeah. Even more volatile and there was a pattern in our household.
Kierstyn: So anyways, if you can't go no contact, go no contact.
Tiffany: The next one is healthy distractions. So, you know, the thing is, is we don't want you to numb yourself out and not, you know, work on your healing, but it's okay. It's okay to do things that help you cope with the loneliness and sadness. So maybe it's a podcast that you're listening to or maybe it's a Netflix series, the series that you're listening to.
Tiffany: Um, you know, going to watch or maybe it's going out for a walk, walks do wonders for us in so many ways, but find something that can kind of distract you a little bit so that you're not constantly thinking about that person and you don't feel that pull to go back.
Kierstyn: I agree. I think the healthy distractions are important.
Kierstyn: Um, I know for me, I think it was, I had, I made, I made some friends that were going through the same thing [00:40:00] and maybe sometimes we went shopping and sometimes we, you know, would just try to. Go out to eat or we would, you know, just little things, just having those activities and trying to keep even leaning on each other.
Kierstyn: Community is so important because we would call each other if, you know, we were lonely. We would start to almost like Create the same dynamic we had with our partner in some ways, like not romantically, but like we went trick or treating together. Like I'm still to this day, so grateful for that relationship.
Kierstyn: That one was actually out after my divorce and we were, you know, we had two little boys the same age and we were able to kind of distract each other, I think from, from what was going on and support each other through that. You, you're one of those people for me too, like having that community is so crucial.
Kierstyn: Yeah. I think
Tiffany: we're going to talk about. A new community that we have here shortly, because that's also could be something that you could use to, you [00:41:00] know, distract yourself and, and gain those tools and just become a healthy version of you.
Kierstyn: And maybe let's talk about that real quick. Cause I'll, I'll get the last, well, let me just give you the last point.
Kierstyn: And the last point really quick is it's going to take time guys. Time is part of it. https: otter. ai
Kierstyn: This, this tool, this community, we created the relationship recovery circle. The reason we created the relationship recovery circle, it's a membership and we wanted, there's things that we have found that we That people need and that's community. They need to be able to contact and meet each other. We were doing retreats and events, and we've been told people have lifelong relationships now, best friends and contact.
Kierstyn: And we were like, we need a lot. We need to create a way for people to have these relationships. So this provides that, um, there's also, we've get asked all the time to talk about certain topics. So we're like, we're going to have classes. [00:42:00] Just once a month, we're going to have classes and workshops and we're going to give you access to information, but we're going to also allow you to ask questions and we're going to do a live Q and a, where you get to talk about what's going on in your life because we wanted to create more curated content, you know, content, um, what's some of your favorite parts to it?
Kierstyn: Sorry. I've kind of, no, it's kind of gone. No, I'm so excited about it.
Tiffany: No, you're good. I, you know, There'll be meditations and affirmations and yoga flows and just, we have a dedicated self love journal in there and workbooks that'll, you know, help nurture your inner strength and I just, you know, you talked about rewiring your neural pathways earlier.
Tiffany: We know that some of these tools that we have in here actually do that. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited for people to really have connection and community and be able to heal.
Kierstyn: Yeah. And we also have signature courses on demand in there. We wanted to make a affordable resource for an, an [00:43:00] accessible resource that you can access 24 seven.
Kierstyn: You can get access to this 24 seven. You can get support 24 seven. And you know, it's the cost of like a gym membership, you know, for your mind. Yeah. And I think that's, that's why we wanted that. And we still offer our one on one coaching. And if you're like, I need something, I need somebody to like, talk to me.
Kierstyn: You know, one of the things too, with one on one coaching is, you know, We allow you to text us, we allow you access to us because we know this is a really hard journey and we want you to have community. So that is a great way for you to have community as a relationship recovery circle. If you're looking for a more curated one on one experience, we offer that too.
Kierstyn: So just know you're not alone. And just in conclusion, I just want to recap this because this ended up being a kind of a longer episode. Um, and just in conclusion, I just want you to remember the main reasons why people return to their exes is Fear of loneliness, guilt and [00:44:00] responsibility, jealousy and reactivity.
Kierstyn: It's familiar and there's nothing wrong with any, if you're experiencing any of those things, there's nothing wrong with you. It's just part of ending a relationship and when you're ending a toxic relationship, it's gonna be much harder because there's a lot more at play and I just want you to remember to break the cycle.
Kierstyn: You just need to recognize those emotions and thoughts. You need to reflect on the reasons for the breakup and, you know, participate in things like the Book of Truths. Set boundaries with your thoughts and also set boundaries with that person. You need to figure that out. Participate in healthy distractions and give yourself some time.
Kierstyn: So if you're related to anything in today's podcast, we highly recommend you checking out that new membership we have. And you can actually DM us on Instagram. If you'd like, if, if that's the easiest way, or we'll have it linked here in the show notes, but you can just DMS circle and you can get an, or waitlist and you can get on the waitlist for that.
Kierstyn: Cause. I'm not sure where the [00:45:00] release for this podcast, I should know that, but you might still be in that waitlist period cause we're opening it. Um, but you'll be a founding member and we're not, we're never going to allow it. It won't be this low. We're just kind of giving that to those that are jumping in.
Kierstyn: So, um, you can check that information out by using the link, but Tiffany, will you give us our affirmation to wrap this episode? I think it was a really powerful
Tiffany: episode. I do too. I do too. Yes. So. As you know, this comes from the Breakout Book of Affirmations, Words of Encouragement to Help You Move On by Tiffany Denny and Kirsten Franklin.
Tiffany: And we just do a random flip through when we do these, so change can be scary, but it's a powerful teacher. I'm open and willing to make room for different experiences to continue to teach me new things.
Kierstyn: Shut the front door. Literally she flipped to that and that's what the episode was. We did not plan that. So get your copy at the relationship recovery. com. [00:46:00]