Kierstyn: [00:00:00] parents feel like they have to be perfect, but showing your children that you're human and that you're handling tough emotions too, will create a space for them to be vulnerable.
Kierstyn: And you can, you can tell that the divorce is hard. You can be sad. You can say this isn't necessarily the plan I had. And I think it's important to show our kids that life doesn't always go to plan I think there's a balance between what you share with your kids and what you don't. But I think showing resilience and vulnerability is important and it'll make it so they can, they go on and do the same. [00:01:00] Hi everyone, welcome back to the Relationship Recovery Podcast. Today we are going to be talking about how divorce affects kids, and we're going to address some of those parental fears around supporting your children, whether you're making the right choice by ending the relationship. It's probably one of the most common discussions we have when somebody's still in the relationship and they have children.
Kierstyn: They are worried that they aren't making the best choice for their child. I mean, there's so many different aspects and we're not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Um, we have a support resource for that. It's called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Then you can make a decision for yourself.
Kierstyn: We'll link that. But Tiff, don't you feel like this is a common question? Like,
Tiffany: Yeah, for sure. Maybe,
Kierstyn: maybe one of our top ten. I know we say like, this is like the question, but it really is one of the most common discussions we have when it comes to [00:02:00] divorce.
Tiffany: Oh yeah, and I remember thinking it myself, you know, as I was making that decision to get divorced and I mean, still today, like things will come up and I'll think things will run through my head like, man, if I would have got my kids out earlier, then they wouldn't be struggling this way.
Tiffany: Or maybe if I would have stayed longer, you know, like it's, it's, it's difficult, but I think we can. Break it down today and kind of ease some of that pain and that fear that comes along with making that decision.
Kierstyn: And I love that we're going to be able to break it down the way that we are because the cool part is, is you and I have a little bit of a differing experience with this.
Tiffany: Mm
Kierstyn: hmm. My son, And for the record today, I'm speaking solely from my experience. I am not trying to bring other people into it. This is just from my perspective, other parties in that might have a different one, um, but it's kind of interesting. My son was 18 [00:03:00] months. When I left and he is why I left and it was no question.
Kierstyn: Now, I also understand that that's a really young child. And so I could see how this would be a more of a dialogue as kids are older. And I've seen it with clients because they have more of a say, they know what's going on more. My son's entire life pretty much has been that we are. You know, we're not together.
Kierstyn: And so he, you know, my, like I said, my decision was solely based off him actually at first, so I love that we're kind of coming in with this totally different You know, opinion. And I'm also going to talk, we'll talk about clients and things like that, but I think that's kind of fun for me to have that discussion because it's different perspectives.
Kierstyn: We're actually all maybe not opposite, but a little different playing field.
Tiffany: Yeah, well, for sure. Because just to put some context to that, my oldest was 21 and then I had a [00:04:00] 19 year old and then I had. a 14 and a 12 year old, and I think she was eight or nine. So I had, when I got divorced, so I kind of had adult kids, teenagers, and then, you know, elementary.
Tiffany: An elementary grade child. And so I've kind of got like a big span, but it's definitely out of the realm of what you were into. Right. So we can cover all of it.
Kierstyn: Yeah.
Tiffany: I love
Kierstyn: that. And we'll also bring in some other perspectives. Tiffany and I have been coaching for almost a decade in this space. So we have lots of opinions, feelings.
Kierstyn: We've seen people from the beginning to even getting remarried. Going through the co parenting going through all of that. So we can kind of pull in a lot of that perspective too. And I'm excited to talk about this. So, I think it'll be a good dive in.
Tiffany: Yeah. So do you, but before we get started, do you want to talk about what we're loving lately?
Kierstyn: Yes, I do. And I want to say real quick, if you're listening to this and you're like, there [00:05:00] sounds a little different because of the snow and I'm going to tie in my, what I'm loving to this because of the snow where Tiffany lives, which is so funny. So we're about 20 minutes from each other, right? At this point, 20, 30 minutes ish.
Kierstyn: And it is nothing here, but she, this morning Tiff's like, There's a snow storm here. Like you, you stay home, do your thing. And I was like, all right. So if this sounds a little different today, just know it's temporary. We're doing a little air pod. It's all good. So great information, but we didn't want to wait.
Kierstyn: We didn't want to delay the release of a podcast just over some snow, which again, going into what I'm loving right now is my walking pad. I bought one of those pads. I don't know if you guys have seen them, but it's like a pad. You can like, I literally put it underneath my bed. It's replaced my treadmill.
Kierstyn: I can use it with my desk. I can use it standing up like the one I bought, which I think is really important. I bought the [00:06:00] one that you can have the handrail or you can put it down and not have the handrail. And you need, I like to have both because it also has like a little thing you can add and put your phone or your book.
Kierstyn: I work every time I'm doing an Instagram reel or Tik TOK, I'm typically on a treadmill of some sort. And so having that walking pad with the winter being, cause I've been walking a lot lately. I think walking so important. We talked about this in seven days piece. I know you're a big advocate for it. But I love the walking pad and they're super affordable compared to like treadmills because like I had a really fancy treadmill that we're going to set, we're letting this replace it because it's so convenient and I love that I can put it away and I don't have to have a whole gym room and we've been in transition.
Kierstyn: So anyway, I love the walking pad. Yes.
Tiffany: Okay. Question for you on the walking pad. Can you incline on it? Or is it?
Kierstyn: No, this one's flat. So I guess if you're a big, like wanting of them, I think there might be some out there that have it. I'm going to link to the one I'm using. You can [00:07:00] run on it though. And that does hit it.
Kierstyn: Mine has some hit settings. Like it'll push you faster, slower. It's kind of fun. But I mean, for me, I am a walker. I do, I usually do use the incline. That is something you lose. That's a good point on mine. There might be one that offers the incline, or maybe I haven't figured it out yet, and I'm going to find out it does do that.
Kierstyn: Okay.
Tiffany: I was just curious. Mine
Kierstyn: does not. Okay.
Tiffany: Okay. All right. Yeah. All right. So I asked you the other day if you've watched Martha on Netflix, but I don't think you responded to me.
Kierstyn: No. Oh. Sorry, I'm so sorry. We got lost in the It's okay. We talk about 50 different things in one conversation. I am so sorry.
Kierstyn: No, I am, I was saving it for the pod. That's what it was. There you go. Just kidding. That was a lie. I, I, I actually did see it. And then I think we started talking about something else and I forgot to respond, but no, I have not watched Martha. Okay. You [00:08:00] need to watch it.
Tiffany: It's so good. It's like two hours long.
Tiffany: She was the original influencer and Martha
Kierstyn: Stewart. Yeah. Martha Stewart. Yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah. Okay. And I knew a little bit about her.
Tiffany: Uh, I knew that she had gone to prison and I actually thought that was for tax evasion, but it was for insider trading. But they just nailed her so hard. So she went, you know, went to prison for five months, but, uh, I also think it was just fascinating that she was the first female Billy billionaire.
Tiffany: And I just, it was amazing to watch what her success was and then watch it just all burn to the ground. But then the comeback, you know, she gets to come back and she is quite the influencer still. And they, you know, they say that's very hard when you're in your eighties, but she is, you know, a really big influencer still today.
Tiffany: So yeah, it was really good. You'll like it.
Kierstyn: I love, I don't condone insider trading, but I did know it was insider trading. [00:09:00] And I think it did put, put like a mark on her perfect brand for sure. Cause like anytime I think of her, I think of her going to prison.
Tiffany: And it was
Kierstyn: like, so out of nowhere, like, for her to go to prison.
Kierstyn: Um, which is sad. It's sad that that's what she went through. But he'll come back and people can do better. You know, we all hope everyone does better. But I love her in Snoop Dogg. Does it talk about her in Snoop Dogg? It does. It does. It
Tiffany: talks about how they, Like how they met I mean and Justin Bieber has a little bit to do with this too.
Tiffany: You got to watch it You were kind of watch it.
Kierstyn: All right, I could use it. I could use it. So that's what we're loving
Tiffany: Yeah, that's what we're loving today
Kierstyn: if we will link things in there But I think Martha Stewart show or it's on Netflix, right?
Tiffany: It is on Netflix. Yeah
Kierstyn: Yeah, and we love how everybody tells us what they're loving like I had somebody write me today She's like, oh my gosh, the dibs sticks That I linked on last night.
Kierstyn: She's like, I love the [00:10:00] dipstick. So I'm glad that everyone is liking the way we're loving. Okay. So I think this topic can go so many different ways, but I'll let you take it. You go into it. Let's go.
Tiffany: So like Kirsten said, today, we're diving into a topic that's heavy on many parents hearts. It's that fear of how divorce will affect the kids. And it's really one of that, those biggest concerns that we hear. And it's understandable.
Tiffany: No parent wants to see their child struggle.
Kierstyn: Absolutely. And we're here to talk about those fears and what the research shows, the practical ways to support your children through the process. And this episode will be especially helpful for anyone navigating a separation or divorce, or even those considering it.
Kierstyn: Now we'll do another episode. I just want to chime this in for those that are co parenting. Cause I, I have a lot to weigh in there. I have a lot to weigh in [00:11:00] around being a coach that's supported so many through this, the patterns we've seen. We're going to bring all that in. And like you said, we're gonna talk about the recent, or Like we had just mentioned, we're going to talk about the research and things like that.
Tiffany: And if you're going through this right now, just know it's okay to be worried. It's supernatural. And while it's not easy, there are ways to make it manageable, manageable for everyone involved, especially the kids.
Kierstyn: But let's start by acknowledging that it's a fear. I think one of the things we Make a mistake is not calling it what it is in his parents.
Kierstyn: There's this worry that divorce will ruin our children's lives. And there's a lot of like social stigma and myths that feed into this spirit. And I just want to say like from two moms, or I would say our children's lives are not ruined. Just, just going to say that right now, like we're two people that have experienced it, I'm not saying that other people haven't, [00:12:00] where they feel like it really weighed into their children's lives, but there is that stigma that it's going to ruin everything.
Tiffany: Right. And I think a lot of us believe that divorce is going to lead to our kids feeling abandoned. Or like we fear that the issues of it'll show up like in their future relationships. I think some of us worry about that their academics will decline and they'll have behavioral problems. Um, and just overall unhappiness.
Tiffany: And you know what? Some of that is true, right? Like I watched my kids struggle, especially my kids that were my teens. Um, I watched him, you know, struggle with all of that. And I have one son that, you know, if he could, he would put us all back together. That's kind of been his, his mission, you know, since the divorce.
Tiffany: So I'm not saying that this isn't easy, but I'm saying that today you can get some tools to kind of help you navigate it because also if you stay in an abusive, an abusive relationship or an [00:13:00] unhealthy, unhealthy relationship, You're going to be dealing with other impacts on your kids lives, right?
Kierstyn: They're going to be hard. Like, I think that's something that we should highlight now. Like, both choices are hard. It's not about that there won't be effects on your children, because there is. And back to your point, I don't feel like my kids lives have ruined, are in ruin, but my kids, and I'm going to say kids, because only one of them is from my divorce, but it affects my other two children.
Kierstyn: That that have to share their brother. That's hard on them. So it's not that it ruins everybody's lives, but there are impacts but there's ways to Support them and whether you go through a divorce or you stay in it Even if you have a happy marriage your kids are gonna walk through things It's just gonna look different for every kid.
Kierstyn: And this is just the You know, this is what they're supposed to learn from. This is what their life. And I know it feels like you're the one making the choice for them, but ultimately, like [00:14:00] you've just pointed out, if you stay, depending on the relationship that has its own repercussions. And so I, I think it's great that you highlighted that.
Kierstyn: And I think it's also important to remember that those worries that we have are coming from a place of love. But what we want to do here is just break down some of those myths and provide a bit of peace of mind that the impact on the kids really depends on various factors and we're going to jump into those.
Tiffany: So if you're carrying around that guilt, really try hard to release it. Divorce doesn't automatically mean negative outcomes.
Tiffany: I think in fact, it can sometimes mean growth and healing for everyone. I wouldn't say that at the first of my divorce, I mean, everybody's is going to look different, but if you fast forward, whatever it's been 13, 15 years, something like that, there's been a lot of healing and there's been a lot of. Like relationships repaired that I didn't think would even remotely repair.
Tiffany: So I think, you [00:15:00] know, keep that in mind as we're going through this.
Kierstyn: Well, and I would also say, just to add to the healing part, I personally, if I wouldn't have made that choice, I wouldn't be able to say, I think my kids would've Or and I don't know. I mean, he's not old enough to date. He hasn't ended up in romantic relationships, but I wouldn't have had the tools to help him move forward to build healthy relationships with all parties, including with his dad, including with myself, including with his siblings.
Kierstyn: I wouldn't be able to. work with, you know, the people we work with. And I mean, there's so much that comes from that. And I would say it also helped me, like you said, it helped you heal other relationships. I feel like it helped me make sense of generational trauma. I mean, there's so much that comes out of it.
Kierstyn: So I think it's, Well, let's talk about some research. So those are a lot of our feelings, [00:16:00] opinions, but let's talk about some of this research around it. So studies show that children can and do thrive after divorce, but a lot depends on how the separation is managed. So that's really important. There's no single outcome for kids whose parents divorce.
Kierstyn: There are a lot of factors at play.
Tiffany: One of those big factors is the level of conflict in the home. So, studies have shown that high levels of conflict are actually more harmful to kids than divorce itself. I think that's so fascinating. I think that's really good information. So, because I think we're just so trained to think that we have to keep our families intact.
Tiffany: That's what we're supposed to do as a society or our religion, you know. Tells us that we need to do that. So I think that's a key piece right there. So if there's a lot of tension, it's may actually benefit from a more peaceful, separated family environments.
Kierstyn: I mean, that's interesting to note. Cause I do think some people think that if they stay there, they're going to [00:17:00] be able to protect their kids better.
Kierstyn: But sometimes the relationship itself is what's building the tension now. Like I said, we're talking generally, every situation's different. I just really want to highlight that. You have to listen to your intuition above all else. You have to look at all the facts. You have to look at your situation. But if there is a fear there, this is just coming out of research polls, things like that.
Kierstyn: That's why we're sharing it. But I do find that very interesting. And we've seen too where the tension of the relationships was causing a lot of the. Disarray. So I think,
Tiffany: well, and you, you brought up that, like, we think if we stay in the relationship, we can protect our kids. And that, that's true. I mean, if I look at my older boys, I was a buffer in a lot of ways that my, the two older boys and then the, the two boys that are close in age that were the teenagers and, um, or preteen, I guess [00:18:00] anyways, but the, you know, I wasn't there to be a buffer for them.
Tiffany: I wasn't there. And so there were some things that I think were more helpful to my older boys than, you know, by being, being there. But also if I would have stayed in that, I don't know if I'd be here today. So I think that, you know, you have to just, you have to be able to look at it and go, I've got to do what's best for this family.
Tiffany: And the thing I know that's best is that they have a mother. And so, you know, that, that was just something I had to do.
Kierstyn: Well, and I think that's such an important highlight because I think about, man, I'm just so, I am so grateful I left because I gave my son more people that love him.
Tiffany: Yeah, I, I love that. And I think that kind of brings me around to the thought of having step parents, right? Having Tim and having TJ in their, in their lives and how much it's taught them that this is how you treat a woman.
Tiffany: I guess we can say that because they're [00:19:00] all boys, but this is how you treat somebody that you love. It's, it's done with respect and love and it's not done out of anger and control and all the other things that, you know, that they were living in.
Kierstyn: Yeah. And I. Yeah. I think of who my son is and I know that choice influenced who he became, you know, and I, I don't think it matters when you leave for that choice to influence because the other part too is even, even though my son was so young, I also think it sets that stage of you need to make your decision that's best for you.
Kierstyn: You can tell people that, you know, relationships need to end and you can set those boundaries and we can talk about behaviors and like I said, I don't think I would have been able to support him the way that I can support him now without walking through that choice. Because I would never have empowered myself quite the same way.
Tiffany: Right, [00:20:00] exactly.
Kierstyn: Um, another piece to the research, they also found that the quality of parent child relationship is huge. So when parents maintain a strong positive bond with their kids, kids are far more resilient. So whether, and that's more about leaving. So if you build that positive bond with the kids, they will be more resilient through the divorce.
Tiffany: Yeah, and I just want to insert real, real quick if you're coming from a high conflict. Relationship, there are possibilities that you won't be able to build strong bonds because you might have that other person, you know, telling them bad things about you. So my best advice there is make sure that your actions and your words always match always, because those kids are going to grow up and they're going to figure it out.
Tiffany: And if I were to ask. Um, my one son that I'm thinking about that we had a struggle for a while because he was being [00:21:00] told bad things about me. Um, he would tell me that, Mom, your, your actions always matched your words and they didn't always match what Dad was telling me about you. So, you know, it, it might be a process for you, but just stay strong and, and make sure that that is always happening.
Kierstyn: That's kind of interesting that you bring that up because typically the thing that. You know, highlights manipulation or gaps lighting. We've, we talked about all the time. And she's like, when words and actions don't match, so when you can, as the other parent match your words, that speaks volumes, it really does.
Kierstyn: And I really want to talk in length about like the co parenting and supporting your kids, even post divorce at some point. But I think some of that dances here, but I think that's so crucial that you brought that up.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Kierstyn: So, let's also move into a little bit more of the practical side. We've talked a little bit about what research, um, [00:22:00] shows, what are some things parents can do to support their kids emotionally?
Tiffany: Do you think? I think one of the most powerful things is Open communication, letting the kids know what's happening. Of course, you want to do that, you know, in an age appropriate way, but I think it's essential. And I, if I look back on on where I was at, I didn't communicate anything to him. I was just so busy surviving.
Tiffany: And I think a lot of it was because of that. But I think it's so important that kids need to feel safe, they need to be able to express to you how they're feeling, they need to ask questions, and they need to know that they're not alone in this.
Kierstyn: So, the interesting part about you bringing that up is you and I have talked about this in length.
Kierstyn: So this is one of those hindsight 2020s. I don't feel like I've said enough. Me neither. You just said that too and what I mean by that is I very much went into it that [00:23:00] I say nothing. I say zero things. I protect and I kind of regret that because I was trying to protect but I do wish I would have communicated a little bit more.
Kierstyn: I wish they, I, there's a balance of you don't bash the other parent, you don't throw them under, you don't need to tell your business like about your relationship. I don't think, I think some of that can come out, you know, like you said age appropriate if there's questions and even then there might be things that are you You know, that's between me and, you know, your parent.
Kierstyn: That's my business. I'm going to, you know, that's, that's not something you need to know. And you can always make that call. That's not what I'm saying. But I do wish I would have communicated a little bit more about, like, what was happening in more detail instead of just trying to, like, shield. Because I think it's a disservice because now the perception Is off and I've seen this in our clients.
Kierstyn: So I'm going to I'm going to shift to our [00:24:00] clients a little bit because I think we can talk a little more openly because it's more generalized, but I've seen where client will regret not saying enough about what the parent was doing. And like they didn't show up and I'm not saying you need to make your child feel bad, but then they were able to, you know, know, Hey, my dad is as hard as it is, or my mom, as hard as it is, didn't show up, but then if they come back and they try to like, Manipulate the child later.
Kierstyn: Then they go, no, like, where were you? They, they have all the information. I think they deserve to have all the information at an appropriate age.
Tiffany: Yes.
Kierstyn: You know what I'm saying?
Tiffany: Yep. A hundred percent.
Kierstyn: We've talked about this in length off. Maybe someday we should talk about this more. Maybe do a little Q and a, maybe I want to hear your guys opinions.
Kierstyn: But as a parent, I have a lot of clients that regret not saying enough to their kids because then they're blindsided, blindsided as adults or later on. Yeah. [00:25:00] And, and like you said, I don't think you need to go air all their dirty laundry. I just think there's, there's things like, Hey, this happens because sometimes I feel like the kids are like, Hey, I'm experiencing this.
Kierstyn: This is like through client's eyes. I hear their, their parents, their kids saying, Hey, I'm experiencing this with your parent, the other parent, and you're too busy trying to protect the other parent because we do that sometimes because we think it's going to harm the child. But then the parent, the child feels like their, their feelings are invalid or they feel crazy because you're not telling them straight up.
Kierstyn: And this is, this might be a little bit of a differing opinion than what I read. In some ways, but coming from someone that's been there and also enough, we, we pull from enough people. We talk to people internationally. I feel like we have 10 years from an expert stand stance. I'm going to say that expert stance,
Tiffany: well, and you want to make that
Kierstyn: decision for you.
Tiffany: Yeah. [00:26:00] And you and I, this is something that's evolved, right? But we've talked about it a lot in, yeah, I wish that I would have like spoke up. I would have, you know. Defended myself a little bit more, but I'm like you, I just, I felt like I had to be small and protect, right.
Kierstyn: And our clients run into that too.
Kierstyn: So we're not just pulling from our own experiences. I just think there's a lot there. Yeah. And I'm like I said, I, I think it would make it so real and I don't know. It's, it's such a hindsight 2020. Like you said, I don't think you need to necessarily go and throw people under the bus. Completely, but I think there's a level of how much you should share.
Tiffany: I agree with that.
Kierstyn: And everybody's different. You have to do what's best for you. Um, another tip is keeping any conflict away from your kids. So as we mentioned, conflict can be harmful. So try to [00:27:00] handle the disagreements privately and respectfully. That's what I was also trying to say with that. You don't need to go bring your kids into the fight.
Kierstyn: You don't need to bring your kids into all the dirty details between you and your ex to be. Right? Like that doesn't need to happen. Just, and also I want to say here, you handle them to the best of your ability. If you're dealing with somebody who has no interest in trying to be respectful to you or no interest in handling your boundaries, then that's a no, you go as no contact as possible through the divorce.
Kierstyn: Possibly after, I know if you have kids, you're going to have to navigate co parenting, but limiting their access to you is important. You can try to handle the disagreement. Respectfully, but if you're not getting respect back, then you every right to shut that down.
Tiffany: Yeah. And I think that kind of leads into this next 1 because it's important for those kids to have.
Tiffany: a routine and you have to remember you can't control what's going [00:28:00] on in the other house, right? So you just do the best that you can in your home, um, because it brings a lot of change and those kids are going to crave stability. And so those routines, whether it's school, mealtime, bedtime, give them some sense of, you know, it feeling a little bit more normal to them.
Tiffany: And I do know that it's frustrating. I remember getting Um, my daughter back and it was just almost like three days of retraining her, not retraining her, but getting her used to what we do at our house. Right. That was frustrating is all get out, but you know, there's just some things you cannot control.
Tiffany: And that is what goes on over in that other house.
Kierstyn: I think the other thing about routine is sometimes you are going to. not want to keep that routine because you're competing with the Disneyland parent and you're going to be tempted to be a friend. And I think one of those things is that it's so important that you stay in that parent role and be supportive and [00:29:00] establish that routine as hard as it is.
Kierstyn: And sometimes it looks pretty shiny on the other side to, you know, break the routine and not have roles and things like that. And I, it just, so many of my clients talk about that, but the ones that we've been able to witness long term, Those kids are always grateful that their parents stayed their parent, and they start to see through it because that Disneyland act only lasts so long. Another way to support your kids is by encouraging them to talk to someone outside the family, whether that's a counselor, a trusted family or friend.
Kierstyn: Or even through a support group. So you should be supporting you, but your kids should also be getting support because sometimes they need someone that's not invested in the situation. That's going to benefit from it just to have a safe place to talk. And kids can feel more comfortable expressing things they might not feel because the other part too, is they're worried about hurting.
Kierstyn: They're, they're kind of feeling like this cross loyalty [00:30:00] and that can be hard. For me, creating a space for my son, I hope I continue to do this. I work really hard to do it, but I try to create a space where he can talk about it. And we set, we talk about like, what, what soft limits, what is on, you know, available?
Kierstyn: What can we talk about? What, what are things that He feels like, or, or when I say off limits, I'm more saying like things that he prefers stays between just me and him. He doesn't want me to go fix it for him now he's getting older. So we can kind of establish some of those things where we're moving into teen years where we can have those type of roles.
Kierstyn: I'm not dealing with a younger child where like, if the child tells me something, I need to go run to the other side. I'm starting to build this situation where he can handle it on his own. And you know, if there's things that I feel like as his parent, I need to step in, they step in, but I think that's important too, that [00:31:00] you can also still be that person, but maybe you need to set boundaries.
Kierstyn: Like, mom, I'm going to talk to you about, like, I've helped him establish this feeling that he can say. Mom, I want it to stay just between me and you. I want to use you as my resource and tool. I want you to be the person I talk to, but I, I need it to stay just between me and you, you know, and we've talked about that and I've told him that he can do that and I won't go, you know, try to fix it for him, but I, I just want to help him.
Tiffany: Yeah. And I think too, you know, for my kids, I really, really tried to get them into therapy because I knew that they needed it, but I just had so much resistance. Um, from their dad. So that didn't happen. But one thing I wish I really would have done is had someone for them to talk to because Our houses were so divided.
Tiffany: So my mom wasn't, you know, my mom wasn't going to say nice things about their dad. I mean, I don't know what his mom said about me, but probably [00:32:00] not nice things. You know what I mean? And it was just, there was just so much conflict there. So I wish there, I would have, and I can think of people now that I could have, you know, set that up.
Tiffany: I just didn't know I had, I didn't have the tools, you know, and that's why the relationship recovery. Exists today is because we get to bring to you, you know, the tools that we didn't have that we know will really help you exactly.
Tiffany: All right, let's talk about common questions and misconceptions about kids and divorce. So I think we get like we've been talking about. We get tons of questions like this. Should I stay in a toxic marriage for the kids? Yes. It's such a common dilemma. So I want your take on it, Kirsten. I
Kierstyn: That's tough, but staying in a toxic situation can often do more harm than good, in my opinion. Kids can feel when there's hostility or resentment, and that can shape their own understanding of relationships, and then the relationship patterns.
Kierstyn: Repeat. I said at the beginning of this podcast, and I still stand by my original reason [00:33:00] why I made my choice was I didn't want my son to grow up thinking this was love. This was 100 percent my first reason. Now, I needed to also do it for myself later and start to build my own tools, but at the time I loved him and he, that was my main goal.
Kierstyn: reason for choosing to leave. Now, that's my opinion, and this is really important time for us to say opinion. Because we will never, just so you know, if you ever work with us in a one on one situation, we will never tell you, you should leave or you should stay, because that's not our job. We're just empowering you to figure out what you want and to get in alignment with that.
Kierstyn: The only time we'll ever really encourage you to get support outside of it is if there is physical harm. And if that's the case, we will get you connected with those that support through domestic violence. But that's the only time that you'll ever hear that come out of our mouth because that's not our choice.
Tiffany: [00:34:00] No, we're just here to coach you and lead you and like help, help you to make the best decision for yourself. And we kind of talked about this next one, but another misconception is that the kids just bounce back without extra support. They are resilient, but they still need support and they need guidance through that transition.
Tiffany: So, you know, if you can't do therapy, think about somebody that can be there to support them that doesn't, isn't going to bash their dad or isn't going to, you know, bash you, that can just listen to them without judgment. That's the difference.
Kierstyn: Yeah, and bring books, participate in groups, talk to other parents that are walking through it, like, that's why we have our new community, the Relationship Recovery Circle, like, we want to build a community, and you can actually go join the wait list for that by using the link, um, here in the show notes.
Kierstyn: It doesn't have to look like a certain [00:35:00] version of supporting them. It can be that you build a community around you and then you can hear some of the tools and resources, and then you're able to pass it down. One of the big things when we're doing like one on one coaching, so not just in that community, but when we're doing one on one coaching, a lot of my clients, and I'm sure Tiff, you feel this way too, learn things for themselves and then pass it on to their kids.
Kierstyn: And then our kids are able to use them. So if you're doing your work, you're going to be able to teach your kids the same things so that support and guidance can come through you as the parent. And I think that's really important. Another big one is that parents feel like they have to be perfect, but showing your children that you're human and that you're handling tough emotions too, will create a space for them to be vulnerable.
Kierstyn: And you can, you can tell that the divorce is hard. You can be sad. You can say this isn't necessarily the plan I had. And I think it's important to show our kids that life doesn't always go to plan and our marriages don't [00:36:00] always last. And, you know, obviously we don't want that to be the case, but it's what happens.
Kierstyn: And so I think there's a balance between what you share with your kids and what you don't. But I think showing resilience and vulnerability is important and it'll make it so they can, they go on and do the same.
Tiffany: Yeah, I think so too. It's just kind of funny. I'll just share this really quick. We had an incident the other day where one of my sons had sent me a text message and I kind of took it wrong and uh, it made me, really made me cry and I had all the grandbabies here.
Tiffany: Just, I, it's like one of those cries where you just can't get the tears to not come out of your eyes, you know, they're just, they just are free flowing and I was trying to hide it from the kid, from the grandbabies and um, One of them said something and I said, Oh, well, one of my, one of my boys just hurt my feelings and It was just really like I wasn't I didn't want him to think I was crying But all of them came up and just [00:37:00] like hugged me and said I hope it's not my dad You know and it was just it was just kind of cute But I thought about that incident and I'm like, oh, I don't ever want them to see me cry like that Because I never have around them And then I kind of stepped back and I'm like, you know what?
Tiffany: I think it's okay. It's okay to know that, you know, sometimes people get their feelings hurt and you know, their Nana's human. And so I think it's the same. Like, I have a client that is like, I just, I'll go hide in my shower and cry. Well, I think that that's totally fine in most situations, but if she starts to cry, I think it's okay for the kids to see that, you know, they know that she's hurting and that, and I think the kids kind of step up when, when someone's hurting, right, So all the parents out there who might be in the midst of divorce or separation, we just want you to remember that you're not alone and this isn't the end of a happy life for you or for your [00:38:00] kids, but it just can be a new chapter. Um, to a healthier one. Alright, as we wrap up, we hope you leave here with a little less fear and a lot more hope. Focusing on what you can control, showing up for your kids and loving them and just creating that stable environment.
Tiffany: And don't be afraid to reach out for support, whether it's for yourself or for the kids.
Kierstyn: All right. And to end the episode, as always, we like to read a affirmation from the breakup book of affirmations, words of encouragement to help you move on by Tiffany Denny and Kirsten Franklin.
Kierstyn: You can get a copy of this by using the links in our bio under our favorite things. It's actually under our 10 books list. You can also go to the relationship recovery. com and get one and we will actually sign it. But there we go.
Kierstyn: My intuition is my greatest strength. My greatest guide to love is within me, and it will lead me to the happy life I [00:39:00] deserve. Spot on. Wow. No, we love that. It's always magic. So thanks for tuning in everyone. If you found this episode helpful, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. And as always, you can find more resources in the show notes, or you can go to our website, the relationship recovery.
Kierstyn: com and make sure you are following us on all things, social media at the relationship recovery.