Kierstyn: [00:00:00] And we know setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially during the holidays. But remember, boundaries can act as a act of self love. When you set and hold them, you're not just protecting yourself, but you're showing others how to treat you. Welcome back to the relationship recovery podcast. We're so excited. You're tuning in today. The holiday season is upon us. I mean, we are dead center. We're right in the first week, first couple weeks of December, and while it's a time for [00:01:00] joy and connection, it can also be incredibly stressful, especially for those of us that have been through a toxic relationship, and you're currently, you know, recovering from that, or navigating family dynamics that continue on through life.
Kierstyn: all of time, it seems like. And sometimes you're getting asked questions, like, I'm gonna, I'll let you kind of talk about that, but I mean, you always get asked questions about what's going on, what's the current status, so then you're already dealing with the dynamics themselves, and then people seem to always bring it up to you.
Kierstyn: We're gonna cover all that.
Tiffany: Yeah. And I think, you know, the holidays, they bring up so many things, but there's the, you know, pressure of, um, what you just were talking about with, you know, families wanting to know all of your business, there's people pleasing and the challenge of setting those boundaries.
Tiffany: So today we're going to dive into how you can protect your peace and prioritize yourself this holiday season. We're going to share actionable tips and [00:02:00] strategies to help you maintain your boundaries while still making meaningful connections. But before we get started, what are you loving this week?
Kierstyn: So as you guys might be able to hear, I have been sick and I am recording from home. Usually we have this nice set. So number one, I'm sorry that it doesn't sound as good. Because A, I'm sick, and B, we're not recording with our, you know, our mics, well, Tiffany is, so they'll carry the sound for us, but, um, something I'm loving is there's this nasal spray that I actually heard about from Phil the pharmacist, if you guys don't follow him, he gives great spray.
Kierstyn: Little tips, but I have been dying like using my inhaler I just when I pick up this that like chest cold stuff. I just really hold on to it and I've started this spray because I am gung ho that I won't continue to Get sick anymore this season or at least help myself and it's called Nagloman [00:03:00] nasal iodine Nasal antiseptic spray and I just want to say real quick.
Kierstyn: We don't diagnose treat or cure I'm not saying that this cures anything, but I just started it And I feel like it's already helping me and it's supposed to be a good preventative. So like if you're around a lot of people or like he swears by, like it's a good way to help boost your system so that you don't get sick.
Kierstyn: But I feel like it's actually helping me get better too. But again, we have a diagnostic cure and I'm not making medical advice and you should always talk to your doctor, but this is a good just supplement, right? So, and we'll link that, but yeah, I really like it. So it's just a natural, 100 percent natural mineral complex.
Tiffany: Hmm. I'll have to, I'll have to try that.
Kierstyn: Yeah. Yeah. When you get, since it's a sick season.
Tiffany: Yeah. Well, and when you get sick, you really get sick.
Kierstyn: I do. And we should, we should talk about this a little bit maybe sometime, because I think we talk a little bit [00:04:00] about, like, I'd love to talk about the connection between like the body and autoimmune and maybe have an expert come in.
Kierstyn: But I just, I just, my, my immune system gets shot and I think some of it is just some damage that's been over the years with my nervous system. And just the whole combination. Cause it's a mind, body, spirit thing, but yeah, I've been a little depleted and yeah, I'm just getting my butt kicked, you know, it goes.
Kierstyn: So that's my favorite thing.
Tiffany: What's yours? Oh, I have not been a Spotify user until this year. And so at the end of the year, they do the Spotify wrapped. Um, so they go through your year and tell you how many minutes you listen to podcasts or music and like, Hey, what are your top artists? And I hadn't done that before.
Tiffany: So I thought that was super fun. It was a little alarming. Bad news is I had like 87, 000 minutes in podcast listening, but the good news is it was my top late [00:05:00] genre for podcasting was not true, true crime. It was health and fitness. So I can feel good about that.
Kierstyn: Yay. And the relationship podcast is hopefully on all of yours.
Kierstyn: And if you guys want, make sure you leave us a review. Tell us what you're liking about the show. It really helps and helps us reach other people and it helps us keep the subject matter. So it's funny you bring this up. I looked at mine yesterday, but I only looked at it on Apple music and I made a goal that I was going to change my music.
Kierstyn: Cause I, I was listening to like really I don't know, not bad, but just like, not uplifting, maybe, like, it would pump me up, but it wasn't like, the best messages, we'll just say it, we'll leave it that way. So I was gung ho, and I pulled mine up, and my number one artist was Forrest Frank, who was a Christian singer.
Kierstyn: And I really, you guys know, big Forrest Frank fan, [00:06:00] that's also something I'm loving, I'm gonna do two for him, I mean, well, I'm just kidding. Piggybacking off of yours because yours is more fun. This is more fun than a nasal spray. I think but I highly recommend the nasal spray
Kierstyn: This is this is more fun but I I was laughing because I on my replay thing because Apple Music has it too just like Spotify does and mine was Forrest Frank then Laney then Taylor Swift then Surfaces and Hovey now Forrest Frank I had like 36 100 minutes this year of just Forrest Frank, but Surfaces is also Forrest Frank, that's just his other band, and then the reason I have Holby on there is because a lot of his songs are actually with Forrest, so I have lots of Forrest Frank minutes, but I was proud of myself and my number one song was Good Day.
Kierstyn: So I feel like if you don't know good day, you should go listen to it. So there you go. An extra [00:07:00] bonus, a bonus for a bonus. Pick me up for this season.
Tiffany: Oh, that's awesome.
Kierstyn: I'll have to see what my podcast one. Cause I listened to podcasts through Apple music or Apple podcasts.
Kierstyn: And so I don't use Spotify, but I should have, I wish I did. But for our Spotify listeners, that's a fun thing too. You can see your podcast minutes, because I didn't know you could do podcasts. I knew you could do music, but I didn't know you could do podcasts.
Tiffany: Yeah, you want to know my podcast? Maybe. Yes.
Tiffany: It'll pull up.
Kierstyn: Yes. Tell us your podcast.
Tiffany: Okay, hang on.
Tiffany: Yeah, I spent 86, 348 minutes listening to podcasts. So my number one was the Mel Robbins podcast. Number two was Dateline. Number three was Frankie and Jess. Number four was 48 hours. And number five was Project Recovery. . I'm not sure where the health and fitness comes in because, I mean, Mel maybe falls in that category a little bit, but the rest of them don't.
Tiffany: Well, I
Kierstyn: think, I was going to say, I think Mel, Mel's was probably under health and fitness,
Tiffany: [00:08:00] probably so, but that was kind of fun. So
Kierstyn: that is fun.
Kierstyn: No, I love those lists. I think they're super fun. It's kind of fun to see where your time's going. You can check yourself. For me, it was like I said, that I set a goal, and I could see in my music that I had changed my, what I was listening to, and it was more uplifting, and I noticed a difference. I think what you listen to, and the media you participate in, plays a role.
Kierstyn: And like how you said, mine was not, your number one one wasn't true crime, but it was actually bettering yourself, so I would just like to give it up. To us that we set those goals and look at us, we more happier, uplifting media. And I think I would encourage all of you guys as listeners to take a look at what your, where your time's being spent, because it's amazing how things sneak in.
Kierstyn: Like I didn't realize how much that music piece was really playing a role until I changed it. And you've talked about how much true crime you've listened to. And it's because you, and am I wrong? It was kind of like one of those things where it's like, well, you're used to, [00:09:00] Oh, yeah, you found comfort
Tiffany: in the, it feels familiar, I really had tried to like, balance myself there.
Tiffany: So I was happy to see that, uh, I will, my goal for next year will be to cut back a little bit because, you know, sometimes those, sometimes we replace one thing for another. So, you know, my goal this year was to not work so much in the evenings. But my podcasting probably increased because I'm not a TV watcher.
Tiffany: And so I, I like to have something playing in the background though. So. So, now I have some numbers that I can go off of.
Kierstyn: I love
Tiffany: it.
Kierstyn: Well, let's get into it. So if you're someone who struggles with saying no, you feel guilt for setting boundaries, or you worry about how others will react, this episode is for you.
Tiffany: Let's start with the big question. Why are boundaries so crucial during the holidays? For many of us, I think the holidays are loaded [00:10:00] with expectations.
Tiffany: Family traditions, obligations, the pressure to make everything perfect. But when we say yes to everything and everyone, we end up saying no to ourselves, which I think that's such a good reminder. And I try and think about that when I'm saying yes to something, because it's true when we're saying yes, then we're, we have to say no to something else.
Kierstyn: And I actually heard. Something about this yesterday that, and I really liked it, but it was something around like that it diminishes the value of your yes when you don't properly use your no.
Tiffany: I like that. Does
Kierstyn: that make sense?
Tiffany: Mm
Kierstyn: hmm. And I, I loved that because I think that kind of resets how you look at this boundary because sometimes I think we feel selfish for saying no.
Kierstyn: But when you look at that, when you're saying yes to something, it means so much more because you know that that's a commitment and you're not just saying yes to everyone. And then the other [00:11:00] part too is when we don't honor our yes and no, you get lesser versions of both because you're, you're using it incorrectly or you're, if you're saying yes to everything, you're spread too thin and then you're not giving your best self.
Kierstyn: So I just thought that was a little food for thought around the yes and no. I heard that the other day, but
Tiffany: yeah, no, I like that a lot. Thanks.
Kierstyn: Yeah, I did too. So just a little, a little nugget for you guys there. But for those that are recovering from toxic relationships, boundaries are especially important because without them you can easily find yourself drained, resentful, or even retraumatized.
Kierstyn: The holidays should be about peace and connection, not about walking on eggshells or overextending yourself.
Tiffany: I like to think of boundaries as a way to protect your emotional energy. So when you have clear boundaries, you can enjoy the holidays on your terms without sacrificing your mental health. And an actionable tip is to [00:12:00] set a holiday intention.
Tiffany: So start, um, I, this is something that I like to use, but start with a simple affirmation like, This holiday season, I will prioritize my peace and well being. So that just kind of sets you up, right? So if you have an intention going into the season, then you're like, just a step ahead of everything because you know exactly what you want for yourself.
Kierstyn: All right, the next actionable tip is to identify your non negotiables. So take a moment to reflect on what matters most to you this holiday season. Is it spending quality time with your kids? Is it prioritizing your mental health? Whatever it is, write it down and those are your non negotiables. Non negotiables are so important to know because that's what you're going to set boundaries based off of.
Kierstyn: If you don't know what's non negotiable to you, you don't know what to protect. Right. And I think that's a mistake we make with boundaries is we're not really sure what we need to protect. Like what's non-negotiable for you? [00:13:00] What's something that you're, you know, and sometimes those non-negotiables might be subject matters too.
Kierstyn: Like, I am not discussing this. I, I am open to discussing this. Like, there's, there's just so many different ways to think about your non-negotiables. And I, I think it's a mistake we make when it comes to boundaries is we don't actually know what we're setting boundaries around sometimes.
Tiffany: Yeah, I agree. I have a, a client that, you know, there's just some things that, that her kids don't see eye to eye with his kids, the blender family.
Tiffany: And so they kind of had to do the same thing as these are the, these are the subjects that are off of the table when we go to Thanksgiving dinner. And because everybody was just really stressed out that things were going to be brought up. And so they just all agreed that that wouldn't happen. And they did just fine, but it's those kinds of things.
Tiffany: I think that you have to be. Really careful with and very firm in those boundaries.
Kierstyn: And I love that you're bringing that up because I [00:14:00] think this brings up a great tool that we have. Is something that may have been smart in that case is talking about those boundaries beforehand and we can, we're going to talk a little bit more about action steps.
Kierstyn: But just real quick, I want to share. There's a free guide. It's called our Holiday Survival Guide. We'll have it linked in the show notes. You can download it. Like I said, completely free to you. And one of the things in there, though, is text message boundaries that you can send. way before you get in the room with family members.
Kierstyn: So in her case, for example, she could have said this ahead of time, like, Hey, you know, as the holidays approach, I wanted to kindly ask for a small favor this season. I'd really like to keep our conversations positive and focused on the joy of being together. If possible, I prefer we avoid discussing any blended family or co parenting situations or anything related to that.
Kierstyn: To those situations during family time. It'll help me stay present and [00:15:00] enjoy the holidays more fully Thanks so much for understanding and I truly appreciate your support I think like that's just an example. That's actually one So if you're sitting here and you're like, oh, I kind of like that you actually copy and paste these from that holiday survival guide There's also like sending a text boundary around a dating situation after divorce Like if you're being asked why you're still single, you know, what's going on with so and so and you don't want to talk about it You You can send that before, um.
Kierstyn: Setting a boundary with a high conflict parent, co parent, so if you have to do where you're sharing the kids and you, you can send that text message that says, Hey, this is what it's going to look like. Or if you want to decline an invitation to a family or friend event because you're trying to protect your peace.
Kierstyn: Those are just a few of them. And there's other things in there too. There's our energy boost menu, there's, um, a gratitude journal, there's, um, how to create your own joy, it's ideas for, um, activities you can do [00:16:00] while you're going through this that don't feel so big. Lots of really good information in that holiday survival guide.
Kierstyn: And also it has a link if you are looking for a little more support. We also have our finding the joy, um, class where we kind of dive into this even deeper. And so that's linked in there too. So just, just when you brought that up, I thought it would be a good time to kind of talk about that because it's a, it's, it's a great guide and it's free.
Kierstyn: Oh,
Tiffany: yeah. And it's free. Yep. Yep. I'm glad that you brought it up.
Kierstyn: Let's talk about some of the most common boundary challenges during the holidays because unfortunately sometimes with boundaries there is challenging pushback.
Kierstyn: It is what it is, but self abandoning and not setting your boundaries Will just cost you more later. So it's just important to know there might be some challenges So one big one is the guilt that comes with saying no Whether it's declining an invitation like I just said and again if you're looking for a tool for that That's in that holiday guide or opting out of a tradition [00:17:00] because it makes you uncomfortable Or setting limits with toxic family members, whatever it may be They know can be difficult and that guilt's going to come up.
Tiffany: Oh, and it's so huge, especially if you've been conditioned to put others first, because how many of us in this community been conditioned to do that? It's something that I think we all work on. But here's the thing, saying no doesn't make you selfish. It makes you honest, and honesty is a cornerstone of healthy relationships.
Tiffany: So, um, You know, if you can keep that in mind as you're working on setting these boundaries, I think that's, to me, that's like a big motivator of it just keeps you honest when you, you know, can say no.
Kierstyn: And you're going to be at more peace. I mean, like it might be difficult in the moment, but you're going to have more peace within yourself because you're going to know that you honored your yes and no.
Kierstyn: So, another big challenge is dealing with people who don't respect your boundaries. So, maybe you've told a family member you can't come to dinner, [00:18:00] and they keep pushing, or you've set a limit with a toxic ex about co parenting during the holidays, but they refuse to listen. So, an actual tip, is to practice saying no in advance.
Kierstyn: So like I said, that text is in there. It's a great tool. You can send it. It's been written to help you set that boundary. Um, you can also role play scenarios where you need to set a boundary. For example, I really appreciate the invitation, but I'm not going to be able to make it this year. Practice will help you feel more confident in the moment.
Kierstyn: So you can journal it out and you can even, and more than likely you can perceive like that they're going to say what their response is going to be to you. And just prepare for that.
Tiffany: Yeah. Another technique that I like is called the broken record technique. So if someone pushes back, you can just repeat your boundary.
Tiffany: For an example, you could say, I understand this is important to you, but I've already [00:19:00] made my decision and just stick to that script without engaging in the arguments. I think that's just so key of, you know, cause it's so easy to be pulled into those arguments, right? So just sticking to that script and saying it over and over again will really help in those situations.
Kierstyn: And just prepare for pushback, except that not everyone's going to respect your boundaries, and that's okay. Their reaction says more about them than it says about you. And one of the things we like to also recommend is when you're, when they are, whatever they say to you, doesn't mean you have to take it on.
Kierstyn: Like, you can pretend that a piece of glass is coming down between you and them, and it's bouncing off. You don't need to take on their response. You are not responsible for how they react to your boundary. And I think that's hard. Sometimes we want, like you said, a lot of us in this community are really conditioned to people pleasing, and we want everyone to be happy and we want to caretake and, you know, setting those boundaries can be [00:20:00] really uncomfortable, but it's really what we need to do.
Kierstyn: It's what's best for us. and our sanity and it makes it so then you can show up more for other people and it makes it so again like those yeses you're gonna show up more fully because you're gonna be energized and you're gonna spend time with people that are healthy and you're gonna feel better because you're making those choices.
Tiffany: All right. Now that we've covered why boundaries are so important and how to handle the challenges, let's get into creating the holiday survival plan.
Tiffany: So you can do this, like, You can print that off and you can come back and listen to this and you can do it and we can do it, you know, you can do it with us or, um, you can go through it and just do it on your own a little bit later. But I think this will be a little bit helpful in getting you guys excited to, to use your survival guide.
Kierstyn: And I want to say a survival plan isn't about avoiding the holidays. It's about navigating them with intention. So we've [00:21:00] created the Holiday Survival Guide. download that will help you build upon this concept. So let's break it down into three parts. People, places, and practices. So you're going to want to do this in a, in like a notebook, and then use the guide to supplement different tools and resources to make these things happen.
Kierstyn: So the first actionable tip is around people. I want you to make a list of people who uplift you and prioritize spending time with them. And then limit time with those who drain you during this time, where you
Tiffany: can. Yeah, I love that. I think that's, that's, that's just a good idea in general to do, right?
Kierstyn: Yeah, I actually think a lot of the tools and resources that we're talking about today, you can take outside of the holidays.
Tiffany: Yeah, I agree 100%. All right, let's move into places.
Tiffany: So decide an event, which events we're gathering Jill attend. Don't feel obligated to say yes to everything. I think that's so important. [00:22:00] A lot of times I feel like we, we fear of, we get in fear of missing out, especially with social media, but honestly, you know, do what's best for you and don't like, don't overdo it.
Kierstyn: And I want to remind you that that can be just this year that you don't attend something. Or maybe it's something that you've always felt uncomfortable about, and now you can say, I'm not attending. And I would encourage you right now to look at your calendar and see if there's anything that you're, you need to remove.
Kierstyn: It's a practice that we do often when we're trying to help people, you know, boost their energy, is what's something you can take off your calendar that you said, maybe you said yes to that you wish you would have said no. Or maybe it's something that as much as you want to attend, it's really overextending yourself and maybe that's the thing that you can let go of.
Kierstyn: So I would encourage you to take the time to look at that
Tiffany: love that because I think we get it put in our heads that [00:23:00] if we say yes to something. It's like, we'll have to die doing it. Like we have to do it. And you can actually say yes to something and go back to that person and say, you know what, I'm sorry, this isn't going to work for me this time.
Tiffany: I mean, you can just keep it simple, but we are just so conditioned to think that if we say yes, then we, we follow through on our word, right? A hundred percent.
Kierstyn: Uh, the next one is practices. So build self care into your holiday routine. Again, this is in that holiday guide. There's great ideas. We talk about gratitude, which I know sometimes when you're going through this, it's hard to use gratitude, but gratitude is a huge, uh, huge tool for boosting your energy and it doesn't have to be giant.
Kierstyn: This could also be things like a morning meditation or journaling or even just going outside for a quick walk during a stressful gathering or we talk about breathing and tapping. You can go lock yourself in the bathroom but just using these things to [00:24:00] really help boost your energy. Another great tool is just Having a energy menu on your phone.
Kierstyn: So like if you're feeling depleted, have a list of things that you can pull from. We talk about this often and we do it with our clients in their one on one sessions and curate an energy menu for them. So they have something to pull from.
Tiffany: And then finally, don't forget about setting boundaries around social media.
Tiffany: Being everybody's perfect holiday post can trigger feelings of inadequacy and comparison. And you know what, if you need to take a break, just do it, take a break, just put your phone down and, you know, like live your life in the present. And don't. Don't feel like you have to, you know, keep up with everybody on social media.
Kierstyn: And we know setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially during the holidays. But remember, boundaries can act as a act of self love. When you set and hold them, you're not just protecting yourself, but you're showing others how to treat [00:25:00] you.
Tiffany: And if you're struggling, you're not alone. Many in our community face the same challenges, and that's why we're here to support you. And speaking of community, let's answer a few of our listeners questions, shall we?
Kierstyn: Yes, so the first question is how do I handle a toxic family member who has always criticized me at holiday gatherings?
Kierstyn: I would recommend, you guys, I can't stress enough how sending those text messages before you get there will help. Because if you can request what your boundary is way before you actually get put in the scenario, it'll just help set. Pin of the stage for you. So, for example, even if they disregard it once you're there, you can say, you know, I, I already texted you about that.
Kierstyn: I'd really rather leave it alone. I need to kind of move into that broken record boundary setting. And I'd really recommend taking a look at those. But just, again, set a clear boundary in advance, such as [00:26:00] limiting time with them, or like I said, using those phrases and sending that. Maybe it's that you don't put yourself even in front of that person, or like I said, limiting it.
Kierstyn: But if you need to be around them, I would send the message before, like, I'm not comfortable discussing this is also a really powerful statement you can use when you're in the room.
Tiffany: I like that. All right, the next question is, what if I feel guilty for skipping a family tradition? And I would say, you know, guilt is a natural response and it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
Tiffany: So I would suggest reframing it as it's prioritizing your well being so you can show up more fully in the moments that really truly matter to you.
Kierstyn: Exactly. And just as a reminder, we have all of these tools and resources. Here for you and you're not alone, and if you're feeling alone, I would encourage you to join our finding the joy in a difficult season class.
Kierstyn: It's an on demand. [00:27:00] Retreat you can it's five out as five plus hours almost six hours of content It has a community where you can kind of text and you know Ask questions and get additional support and we'll have that linked also download that free holiday guide These are tools and resources for you made for you made for your situation and we've been doing this for Almost 10 years.
Kierstyn: And this is all the information every holiday season. These are the tools and resources that we've seen our clients need. And we're just trying to make them really accessible for you. We talk about things like co parenting. We talk about things like boundaries. We talk about finding joy in a difficult season.
Kierstyn: We fight. We talk about finding gratitude. We talk about making more in your story. Like there's so much in there and such good information that this retreat is why we made it on demand for you to come back and watch. It's a good one.
Tiffany: Yeah. I [00:28:00] love it. Okay. Shall we do our affirmation?
Kierstyn: Yes. Let's wrap with affirmation.
Tiffany: All right. Our affirmation comes from the breakout book of affirmations, words of encouragement to help you move on by Tiffany Denny and Kirsten Franklin. You can find this, um, on Amazon or on our website, and if you choose to purchase it on our website, we will send you a signed copy. So, we have a tradition of always ending our podcast this way, and we just randomly flip through and see what pulls up for us, so.
Tiffany: Alright, the tools I need to overcome the obstacles in my life are available to me now. I welcome these obstacles without fear.
Kierstyn: Wow. And they literally are. Go to the show notes. Take advantage of that free holiday guide and know that the podcast is always here, too. You know, we're always here for you.
Kierstyn: Leave us a comment. Leave us a review. Let us know what's going on with you. We're so grateful. And [00:29:00] Tiff, you were about to say something after. I'm so sorry. I was just like, man, that's like spot on that your tools are there. No, no, that's
Tiffany: what I was gonna say. It's the same thing. It's just how crazy it is.
Tiffany: That that we were just talking about tools, so
Kierstyn: no meant to be alright, well, we will catch up with you guys next week. Thank you as always for tuning in and we will talk to you soon.