Kierstyn: [00:00:00] we are talking about something that impacts every single relationship we have, and that is attachment styles. ,
Tiffany: When I first learned about the attachment theory, it was a game changer for me in understanding why I kept attracting the same types of relationships.
Tiffany: And I'm not just talking romantic relationships, I'm talking friendships too. once I figured out my own attachment style, , so many things started to make sense for me.
Kierstyn: Welcome back to the Relationship Recovery Podcast. Today, we are talking about attachment styles. Now, we've talked about attachment styles before, but we're bringing [00:01:00] it back because of popular demand. There's a lot of questions around attachment theory.
Tiffany: Yeah, and actually we have a bunch of questions. I think we're gonna do a separate podcast on just a Q& A, you know, around Some people that have written in, you know, that have some questions about it. So,
Kierstyn: okay, perfect but we'll be able to hopefully answer some of your questions today around attachment theory because attachment styles, it, it really helps explain why we're attracted to who we're attracted to and the why we, we behave the way that we do and sometimes, you know, I don't love boxing people in so please don't take that this is what it is, but at the same time sometimes it's Validating and understanding why we act the way we do and then talking about it as a community makes it so then you don't feel Like there's something wrong with you.
Kierstyn: It's, it's very validating when we identify things.
Tiffany: Do you agree? I totally agree. I think that, you know, once we have, I think it [00:02:00] was, was it Glennon Doyle that said you gotta name it to tame it?
Kierstyn: Yes. Yeah. And I like that. Yeah, that's on brand for her with her, the cheetah and stuff. I feel like, so Yeah, I, I agree.
Kierstyn: Name it to tame it. And it's super, it's super interesting. Um, in fact, it's Funny enough. So we're going to link her past episodes about attachment styles in here too. Cause we broke down each attachment style and we did an overview of the main four. Um, we were. We had a sports writer, was it the Boston Globe?
Kierstyn: Yup. Reach out to us because he was doing a, he thought attachment styles could be applied to sports fans. Yeah.
Tiffany: And he actually interviewed one of our clients.
Kierstyn: Yeah. He interviewed our clients, um, who was a BYU fan, I think. Right. Which, yeah, there's definitely some attachment styles for different fans, but, um, he was talking about Boston because, you know, Boston has the Celtics and they have.
Kierstyn: you know, the Red [00:03:00] Sox and it's, and the Patriots. And those, those are like big fan bases that are very passionate, very Boston. So my husband's family's from Boston. And I've seen that firsthand really the very like, oh, yeah I think I had to sign something when we got married. This is I could not wear a Yankees hat.
Kierstyn: Oh, really? I'm just teasing. Yeah Actually, you're like wow But we had a serious conversation about like I don't worry like I shouldn't wear a Yankees hat and it's not that I like Thank yous. It's just I thought it's cuter than It's cute. Right?
Tiffany: Right.
Kierstyn: It's, it's fine. I mean, I'm fine with it. I think my Boston Red Sox hats are very cute and I've, and it's the only MLB game I've gone to, so shout out to the Red Sox, you know.
Kierstyn: Yeah, yeah. . Um, and for the record, I'm actually a big sports fan, so it's, some of you might know. Yes, you are.
Tiffany: You are indeed. All right. So before we jump in, do we want to talk about what's on our radar? Yeah.
Kierstyn: Do you
Tiffany: want to start? I'll start. [00:04:00] I was actually just telling Kirsten about this, but there is a podcast called, uh, Inconceivable Truth, and I would highly recommend it.
Tiffany: It's not true crime. Um, surprise, surprise. It's a big title effort. I know. I told Kirsten. That is surprising. I, I needed a true crime break, so, uh, but it's really interesting and it's really, really well done, and it's, um, about this story. Uh, reporter and it's his own personal story and the way he puts it together is, is really well worth a listen.
Kierstyn: Ooh, have to check it out. And it's, it, it was in, it, tell, it's, did he do 23andMe?
Tiffany: Yeah, so he did 23andMe. Um, and I don't want to. Be too much of a spoiler. But he, he found out that, you know, his dad wasn't really his dad. Um, and, but it's so interesting. It's fascinating how it all unfolds.
Kierstyn: I think we need to do a podcast about that too, because I feel like so many people, like people were worried about their parents not being their [00:05:00] parents have done 23andme and then like found out that.
Kierstyn: Their dad's not their dad, or their dad is their dad, which is nice, and like just lots of different things. It's kind of interesting. 23andMe is blown up. Right. Families. There's so many. We worked
Tiffany: with somebody that, you know, a long time ago, but I walked into work and she looked kind of disturbed and I said, what, what's wrong?
Tiffany: And she's like, I just found out that my dad's not my dad. And she was
Kierstyn: older. Yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah. Yeah. Like past,
Kierstyn: like 60s. In her 60s.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Kierstyn: At least. Can you imagine? No. And then your parents at, possibly at that age, your parents passed on. So you're not necessarily able to even address it or figure it, it's wild. Yeah.
Kierstyn: So wild. Anyways, I know a few stories like that, too. Maybe we should do a little 23andMe. Let us know if that's something you guys want to just talk about, like, the relationship dynamic and the betrayal of, you know, who people are and, like, people finding siblings.
Tiffany: Mm
Kierstyn: hmm. I always think that's interesting, too.
Kierstyn: Or there's that one where you were talking about [00:06:00] that Netflix where the doctor was using his sperm. Yep. Yep. Ugh. Yeah. Whole nother count of worms on that one. Yeah. All right. Well. Mine is I'm watching the starting five. So like we, since we kicked it off with sports, um, the starting fives about the NBA players.
Kierstyn: Oh, um, it's LeBron James Tatum. Um, Oh my gosh. Sibonis. Oh, Miami Heat. Jimmy Butler. And, um, there's five. Oh my gosh. Who am I missing? I can't help it. I just put you on the track. Hold on. It's important to me. Google it. Guys, guys, I know. Oh, Ant. Come on. Ant. I love Ant. He's so funny on there. He's a little kid.
Kierstyn: He's like in his twenties. So it's just kind of interesting because they have like LeBron who's, you know, he's At the end [00:07:00] of his career, really. But they show him like going through like his son.
Kierstyn: And it's, it's around that time, like how they almost lost him. It just humanized him a little bit, like him and he talks about, he's like, you know, it was a wake up call for me that money doesn't matter. Power access doesn't matter. Basketball doesn't matter. My kid, like, it was just kind of intrigue, like, interesting to look at that.
Kierstyn: They show like Tatum being a single dad and dealing with like traveling around Christmas and trying to get his son and his mom there. And his mom was a, Single mom and how hard she worked and like I'm talking about not like a lot of them came from nothing to like LeBron James's stories that he had nothing and Tatum stories that he had nothing both raised by single moms from if I remember right So just a lot of single parents a lot of really tough family dynamics and then to have them Rise into the NBA.
Kierstyn: What's that on? It's on [00:08:00] Netflix. Yep. I like it, but y'all know I'm, if you guys have listened for a while, you know, I'm a big basketball fan, so it's been great. We watch, um, we've been. Showing parts of it with our kids. If you watch it with your kids, it's MA. There's some, there's some swear words, lots of swear words.
Kierstyn: So a little explicit warning for those of you. So there's that, you know, watch out on VidAngel with your kids. I actually think there's a lot of good info in there. I felt that way with like Yannis too. Um, anyways, there you go. That's what's on, that's what's on our radar.
Kierstyn: Well, let's jump in. Today we are talking about something that impacts every single relationship we have, and that is attachment styles. And it's a topic that hits on for both of us, but I think it hits on for everybody 'cause I, I think a lot of people don't actually understand attachment styles. I think there's some that are now aware it's become a little more common than when we even did the first episodes a couple years ago.
Tiffany: Yeah. Yeah. But it's kind of become [00:09:00] popular. In fact, you and I are studying that a little bit in a new certification that we're getting. So it's kind of, kind of cool that way, but, um, you know, when I first learned about the attachment theory, it was a game changer for me in understanding why I kept attracting the same types of relationships.
Tiffany: And I'm not just talking romantic relationships, I'm talking friendships too. And, um, once I figured out my own attachment style, then. you know, so many things started to make sense for me.
Kierstyn: Yeah, and I think the thing that is important for you, for those of you that are like, okay, why do I repeat the same relationship over and over again?
Kierstyn: Attachment style is actually a really crucial part to that because I feel like if you can identify your attachment style and you can identify like the ones that you're chasing, It will help you to make better decisions and move to a place of being more secure. But you have to understand what a [00:10:00] secure attachment is.
Kierstyn: And the cool thing, my favorite thing about attachment styles is it's not something you're like doomed. No, you can move in
Tiffany: and out of a secure place to maybe an anxious place or an avoidant place. But you can do that work to continue to try and achieve that. Getting to the secured place that you want to be, right?
Kierstyn: Yeah, and everybody can get to secure, you know what I mean? Like everybody can do the work to do that and there might be times in your life where something triggers you and you've You know, you go back into a different attachment style. There's so many different things, but it's actually one of the One theories I mean there's other theories like this too But the reason I like this one is because someone we often are talking about like formative years all the time
Tiffany: Mm hmm.
Kierstyn: And attachment styles determined. You know through your life in a lot of ways and so that you're always taking on new information When it comes to your attachment style, so it's it's still a opening when you realize how much that early childhood experience can shape your adult [00:11:00] Relationships, but it's adding to that if that makes sense.
Kierstyn: So it does start in childhood So I should add that like, you know, it does start in childhood But I always thought it was very interesting that it can continue to morph You Through relationships, your attachment style can.
Tiffany: Yeah, yeah. So let's do a quick overview. So attachment theory was first developed by psychologist Don Balby.
Tiffany: And it's all about how, you know, we were cared for as children and influences how we form relationships as adults and it boils down to how secure or insecure we feel in our connections with others.
Kierstyn: Yes. And. Again, just kind of to highlight that, yes, from the formative years, that's where your attachment style is going to begin.
Kierstyn: But we're kind of like these little computers that just keep adding information. So if most of our relationships, you know, We tend to lean towards somebody that's more anxious or disorganized or fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant. [00:12:00] You're going to continue towards those people. Anyways, but as I just started talking about the four main types, but I'll, I'm going to review those again.
Kierstyn: So the four main types of attachment styles are secure, anxious, preoccupied. dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant, also known as disorganized. And we're going to break each one of those down in this episode and help you figure out which one you might resonate with.
Tiffany: So let's start with secure attachment.
Tiffany: This is the healthiest style and it develops when you've had a caregiver who was consistently there for you emotionally and physically. People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy, um, but also find being, or they're also fine being on their own. They can communicate their needs and support their partners.
Tiffany: So that's what the next step is to like, you know, give him the information that he needs without feeling overwhelmed. So that's what, you know, secure looks like. I happen to have a husband that has a very secured attachment style. You know, sometimes I'm kind of jealous of that because mine isn't always [00:13:00] that, you know, sometimes mine's very anxious.
Tiffany: And so, um, but he's, you know, for me, he's probably the one person in my life that has, has that attachment and stays there for the most part.
Kierstyn: So the interesting part about that is not everybody. I mean, most of us are actually going to be in the insecure side. Yeah. Most of us are actually insecure. Um, especially our audience. Like, let's just be honest. We have a great community here. We are who we are. We've been given these roads that we've been given.
Kierstyn: Like, we don't need to shame ourselves for being on the insecure side. It's just more like coming at it from a place of curiosity versus a place of judgment, and that's fine. So let's just, as we go into the more insecure styles, let's not judge ourselves for not having them. And if you're in a relationship with a secure person, that's amazing.
Kierstyn: I am so happy for you and there's usually a strong sense of trust, safety and open communication, which is something we should all work for. And I'm going to share, [00:14:00] I guess, since you kind of talked about Tim, I would say TJ and I, I haven't always, I mean, you've just said you, you haven't always had a secure attachment.
Kierstyn: I wouldn't say I've always had a secure attachment. TJ's pretty secure. Is he? I mean, maybe I could see him bounce, maybe a little, I don't actually, you know, he's pretty secure. Um, I'll get to a place where I get super anxious and like, I would get really anxious in the relationship. Um, but you know, he, he's sometimes, I don't know, maybe he, he could bounce a little bit on the dismissive or avoidant, maybe more avoidant.
Kierstyn: Um, and that's why, you know, anxious and avoidance are just, um, Best friends. We really attract each other. But the nice part is, is T and I have worked really hard to get to secure. So this is what I want to communicate. If you're in a relationship and there's not abuse or toxic behavior going on, but you notice one of you is anxious [00:15:00] and one of you is avoidant, you can totally do the work to get secure.
Kierstyn: And in the other attachment styles, we have that a lot. Oh, that one's a common. Yeah. Coupling..
Tiffany: I have a client and she went through a breakup with, to somebody that she was dating. And she said to me, I just have to find somebody that has an anxious attachment style because I have an anxious attachment style because then they'll communicate with me because anxious attachment style people need communication.
Tiffany: And so we just kind of joked about that. Well, she ends up. Fast forward she ends up dating somebody and he's super secure and he also is a good communicator So she kind of reneged on that and she's like, yeah, I needed somebody that was secure
Kierstyn: Yeah, I was gonna say actually I think most anxious people would not because you would not be attracted to another anxious person No, it would drive you nuts.
Kierstyn: Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely that avoidant
Tiffany: and anxious person that are attracted
Kierstyn: It's like that two positives. It would just be like it would be like the magnet. It wouldn't work It would never go together cuz [00:16:00] you'd be anyways, but yeah That's just my theory. But speaking of anxious, let's talk about it. So the next one, since you covered secure, the second that we're going to talk about the attachment style is anxious preoccupied and these people typically crave closeness and connection, but often fear being abandoned.
Kierstyn: And they might constantly worry that their partner doesn't love them enough or is going to leave or they're going to betray them or they're going to cheat or whatever it may be. And that fear can lead to behaviors that become overly clingy or needing constant reassurance. I would say, and this is kind of similar and you can tell me if like in my own experience, mine was like, I felt like we need to be doing everything together all the time, all the time.
Kierstyn: Like we need to be. Everything has to be together in some sort of way.
Tiffany: Yeah, I mean, I feel like I had a lot of those tendencies. Um, kind of [00:17:00] like where you're constantly seeking validation, but no matter how much you get, it feels like never enough. And it usually stems from this inconsistent caregiving in childhood.
Tiffany: And for me, I thought a lot about that because my mom was a stay at home mom, but my dad was on the road all the time. And so I kind of think it stems from his inconsistency in my life, at least in those early years. And so, um, you know, sometimes your caregiver was there for you, but. Sometimes they weren't.
Tiffany: And so you kind of have to take a look at that and go, Hmm, you know, I can kind of see where some of this is coming from. And that's kind of the, the key to starting to really like do some work around this is, you know, acknowledging like what you experienced, right?
Kierstyn: I'm going to just, I'm kind of sitting here thinking about this and I'm wondering if, because it can also be that the parent is there physically, but they're not there emotionally or mentally.
Kierstyn: Mm hmm. [00:18:00] And our cell phone usage, I just wonder how many ages preoccupy. I mean, we're starting to see that with the age group, the age group that's kind of been the iPhone generation. There's all this research around like they are not. Bouncing back the same as other generations. I have to find where that book is.
Kierstyn: Do you know what I'm talking about? There's a book about the, they've studied generations like 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years back, like they have a really long that. You know, they're a little different, but they always get on track kind of thing. Mm-Hmm. like they always get on track and they're saying that currently this generation is unprecedented.
Kierstyn: Like they've never seen something the way that they, they are, and Tiffany and I were actually talking just like even that age group when we're coaching early twenties. Mm-Hmm. . It is not the same. There's some very different relationship pattern. I am very intrigued. You know, [00:19:00] I, I hope we learn from it. I hope we can do better, but that generation is going to have its own battle.
Kierstyn: In my opinion, they
Tiffany: view the world completely different than anything that we've seen before, because they, you know, if you think about it, they know where their friends are. They know where their boyfriends are. All I mean, they follow each other's location and, you know, it's just like this constant on, on the phone thing.
Tiffany: All day long, right?
Kierstyn: And they're super anxious and I think that comes from, you know, and I, to be fair, like I started with social in high school, but like the younger, I can't even imagine being younger than that and having all your information out there, like you're posting yourself as a little kid, you know, and, you're getting all this approval from the world immediately.
Kierstyn: And so that's going to create that anxious attachment to where you're just like, I need everybody's a validation constantly. You need the likes. I [00:20:00] need the,
Tiffany: and everybody's doing better than me. Cause you know, they're posting their best stuff. Right. And yeah, so it's a problem.
Kierstyn: It is a problem. But, um, anyway, so there's that piece.
Kierstyn: I was just thinking about that. And then the other part that's kind of interesting about anxious, like I said, is it can be the parent that. Cause I think some of us will be like, well, my, you know, like how you were saying, I don't know where this would have came from. Like I had a stay at home mom, I had somebody there, but sometimes it can just be circumstantial and there's things that are out of people's control and they do the best that they can or they have their own generational trauma or they're dismissive or they're avoidant or they're, you know.
Kierstyn: Well,
Tiffany: actually, if you think about, if you think about a mom that is in a, uh, an abusive relationship or in a relationship with. You know, a narcissist, a sociopath, their attention is completely on surviving. So it's hard to put your attention on your [00:21:00] kids, right? And so, you know, like when I look at my kids, a lot of those attachment styles come from me not being present.
Tiffany: I just wasn't. I was just trying to survive in my own head.
Kierstyn: And I also think we've seen where people are like anxious in regards to, um, like, I think it can be learned too. So like if a parent, like I've seen generationally where there was an abusive parent, two generations back, the, then the child that I'm, that I'm referencing, the child's parent is anxious, right?
Kierstyn: Like out of, you know, completely anxious from living in that kind of environment and wanting love constantly. And then. They almost pass that on and then it creates it too. So like, I think sometimes too, the parent can set the example. Right. Right. It's very interesting anyways. Yep.
Tiffany: Okay. Next we have dismissive avoidant and these people tend to value independence over [00:22:00] closeness and they may avoid intimacy altogether. They might have grown up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive to their needs.
Kierstyn: And also I want to say, I think these could just be, I think sometimes we think really big things that must have happened to these people. And sometimes it's just like one kid got more attention, not intentionally than the other, or, you know, a tragedy happens. And so they're so focused. Like I, I mean, I grew up in a household where for the first 10 years of my life, my mom was trying to take care of my grandma who had Alzheimer's.
Kierstyn: And her attention was there and that's, I mean, that's what she had to do. It is what it is. Yep. You know, and I, I think life happens too. So before we go down this huge shame cycle of shaming them and shaming ourselves and shaming our, you know, I think there is some, you got to take a step back and go, okay, this is life.
Kierstyn: There's [00:23:00] some life to this.
Tiffany: Right. And. Instead of like unpacking and staying there, it's like, okay, this is the hand I was dealt, so now what am I going to do to make my life better?
Kierstyn: Yeah, and sometimes, yes, and to be fair, there's also the parts where like, there was extreme abuse or things that did happen, and that's not okay.
Kierstyn: I'm not, I am not saying that abuse or mistreatment is okay, but I also think, like how you were saying, you know, I was looking at mine too, I'm like, okay, great dad. My mom is extremely kind, you know, for those reasons, looking at it, it's hard to be like, Oh, I'm anxious because then I almost feel guilty. And I've seen this on our clients too, where it's like, but then I'm putting it on my parents and my parents are actually decent.
Kierstyn: Like it's, it's easier to, sometimes I think to put it on the, the bad guys, you know, like the abusive parent or, You know what I [00:24:00] mean? Like, life's more complex than that though.
Tiffany: Yeah. It's just not black and white at all.
Kierstyn: Not at all. Anyways. Now we're getting into the, uh, um, theological things. Yes. You know, but that's what the podcast is, guys.
Kierstyn: You guys get to hear our whole process and thoughts and clients and discussion and learn and I hope you guys love it. Somebody said it feels like a hug. So.
Tiffany: Yeah. I know. I liked when you shared that. I loved when you shared that.
Kierstyn: We need it. We got it. We'll bring those back. We got to bring back our reviews.
Kierstyn: Yeah. Here, this is a great plug. Hey, make sure you are subscribing to the podcast and writing a review and telling us what you like. And those things are so important, you guys, I, I cannot, I guess, ask for those more. It makes it so our podcast can reach others that are like you. So, taking the time is like, in writing those.
Kierstyn: And listening and subscribing makes it so The [00:25:00] podcast gods, and I'm just kidding. I don't know the podcast people push it out more. The algorithm reaches more people and it will help more people that need the relationship recovery. And you guys, there's a lot. I can't tell you how many people come to us and they're like, Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I found you because I thought I was alone.
Kierstyn: I didn't know. So if you are willing, please leave those reviews. It's so important. It really does help the podcast. It does. It helps the
Tiffany: podcast. And, you know, the other thing I was thinking about is. When I'm going to listen to a podcast, I always read the reviews first, you know, and so if you know We get good reviews and then people are more apt to listen.
Tiffany: So
Kierstyn: yeah. So I we'd really appreciate it And you know, like I said, it makes us well, there's reach are breached by the podcast. so back to dismissive avoidant. Let's talk a little bit more about that So they also sometimes come across a self reliant and detached Um, they have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable, which can make their partners feel rejected or [00:26:00] unimportant.
Kierstyn: Um, I think also sometimes they give off kind of this, like, because they are the, sometimes they're hard to connect with emotionally because they're so detached from, like, they can't communicate. You'll find a lot of disassociation, I feel like, in this area.
Tiffany: Oh, a ton. Cause I have, um, I have a couple that I work with and, and, uh, he's anxious and she's avoidant.
Tiffany: And as soon as, as soon as something happens, that avoidant kicks in and she completely just disassociates or she leaves the room. She just has to like get away from it. And so, you know, we're working on that, but it's a thing that happens.
Kierstyn: Yeah. A hundred percent. And finally, there's the fearful, avoidant, disorganized style.
Kierstyn: So this one's a bit of a mix. [00:27:00] People with this style crave connection, but they're also terrified of it. And typically, they have experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving that left them feeling like relationships are unsafe. So this is This one's going to be one where there's some, typically, abuse in the
Tiffany: childhood.
Tiffany: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, people swing from being super close and then they push them away because they're really fearful of getting hurt and it creates a really tough cycle.
Kierstyn: Exactly. And as we go through these and think about, I would encourage you to just think about where you might see yourself or your partner.
Kierstyn: And, We want you to understand your attachment style. I also want to say before we kind of, I know we're going to talk solutions and strategies of how to deal with your attachment style or how to work with your attachment style. I want to add one really crucial thing is this again is not an end all be all.
Kierstyn: And because we could even make the argument that, you know, if you have personal [00:28:00] trauma, then that might be why you're pushing people away and then pulling them close and pushing them away and pulling them close. So this is just like a box in which you kind of figure out where you feel like you feel the most validated, name it to tame it, right?
Kierstyn: How you tame it is by addressing what's underneath. What childhood experiences. It's a key there. And I know we're going to talk, like I said, I know we're going to talk about some solutions, but I think it's really important that I say here, this is what the relationship recovery does. This is what we do, is we help you understand why you're ending up in the relationships that you are.
Kierstyn: How do you move into more of that secure place? And often that's through our somatic practices that we are trained in. Like we are trauma informed. We work on things like parts work and all of that plays a role. It's not just naming the attachments now. Right. That's [00:29:00] like scraping the surface. And I think sometimes people are like, well, I'm just anxious.
Kierstyn: And they're just, avoid it, and it's like, no, you can do something about this, you can live, and I personally am, like, to, not to toot my own horn here, but I moved out of anxious. You moved out of anxious. I live in a secure place. And I have a relationship that's secure and I am freaking proud, I could cuss with it because I was sitting at a table with my husband and I was like, heck freaking yeah.
Kierstyn: We worked so hard and I am proud to, I, there's a lot of things that maybe I'm not the best at, but my goodness, I've worked hard for that relationship and we are not perfect, but I know he's my partner and I know he's, and I hope he knows that I am his. But it's because of the attention, it's because of the work we've both done and he, he was not secure.
Kierstyn: I mean, he's secure now, but I [00:30:00] wouldn't say he was in the beginning and for us to work. So my point being is if you have somebody that's willing to work with you, if you're willing to work, it can be done. These attachment styles, you can move to a place that's secure. Oh, absolutely. And,
Tiffany: you know, I mean, we want to move towards that secure attachment.
Tiffany: And I think the, the best thing about it is that your attachment style isn't set in stone. It can evolve like we've been talking about, you know, it's, that's the great part about it is you're just not stuck in this place of, you know, feeling anxious all the time or feeling disassociated from your life all the time, right?
Tiffany: You can move to where you feel secure and you can feel that peace and contentment.
Kierstyn: 100%. And I really want to point out this too, if you're listening to this and you're like, my partner is the one, like, they're the ones with the, I'm secure, or I'm working on myself to get secure, but they're not, or maybe they are willing, these are, this is kind of my [00:31:00] role of them when it comes to a relationship, if you need to look for that there's an awareness.
Kierstyn: There's accountability, there's willingness to change, there's action to change, and then there's discipline to continue the change. And we need to look at ourselves, too, and say, okay, am I aware? Am I taking accountability? Am I willing to do the work? Am I taking action? Am I disciplined in the action that I am taking?
Kierstyn: And, you know, there's gonna be days where maybe some of those are not always a hundred percent yes, But that's the difference though between somebody you should end a relationship with, in my opinion, and somebody that you stay and continue to work with, because those things have to be continuously happening.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Kierstyn: So let's talk about solutions and strategies.
Kierstyn: So one of the first things you can do is become more self aware. So like I said, awareness is kind of that first step. So journaling around your relationship [00:32:00] patterns or reflecting on how you feel when your partner is distant or when you're feeling insecure can be so revealing. I also would encourage you to pay attention to all your relationships.
Kierstyn: So friends, family, like we do something called a relationship origin, or we kind of, depending on what relationship we're focusing on, like I've done where we focus on all of our friendships because we're doing work within what's being triggered in friendships, um, romantic relationships, um, specific relationships, like I've done where it's like one family member or, so we do this often.
Kierstyn: If you are like, I have no idea what you're talking about, or I don't know how to do this, book a call with us. I think let's, let's start this journey. Let's go for it. Because being self aware is so important and looking at these patterns is crucial. So it's, you really have to reflect on these relationships so you can recognize your triggers and what's putting you out of secure.
Tiffany: [00:33:00] And I mean, that's, that's what we spend a lot of our time doing is giving you the tools that you need so that you can. You know, get to a place where you feel better about your situation and your relationships start to heal and you start to heal and you start to be able to trust others and trust yourself again.
Tiffany: So, um, yeah, I would agree. Book a call. One thing I like using is mindfulness for this. So when you notice those feelings of anxiety or fear creeping in, just take a moment, pause and breathe and ask yourself where it's coming from. Is it really about the presence situation or is it something from, um, the past that's resurfacing or coming up for you.
Tiffany: Something that I like to do is when I feel anxiety, I will tell myself you're going to sit in this for about one to two minutes. I don't let myself go much longer than that because then I just become anxious about being anxious. So, you know, if I can give myself just a couple of minutes, I usually can name where it's coming from or I can find where it's coming from [00:34:00] and then I know what to do with it after that.
Tiffany: So that's kind of, um, You know, a good rule of thumb is, is don't sit in it for too long, but sit in it long enough to be able to find, you know, where it's coming from.
Kierstyn: Next, it's important to learn good communication skills. So, whether you're anxious or avoidant, learning to communicate your needs clearly.
Kierstyn: So understanding where something is coming from, like Tiffany just referenced, would also help you hear because you have to know where your feelings are coming from in order to communicate them. Because often what happens is it comes out sideways. You start yelling, you get angry, and you're, you're reacting faster than actually identifying what, what's causing it.
Kierstyn: Right. And that's what we always tell people
Tiffany: about trauma is you can bury it, you can bury it really well. Right. But at some point in time, it's going to come out sideways on you.
Kierstyn: A hundred percent. Yep. [00:35:00] Um, some examples of things you could say is like, I'm feeling a little insecure right now and I need some reassurance instead of just letting it take over and spiral.
Kierstyn: Cause that's also when we start making things up in our head and our protective elements are going to come out and be like, this is a threat and it's going to start sending all those negative, you know, statements to yourself. And this is where like in an anxious one, a common one would be like. Oh, you're not pretty enough.
Kierstyn: You're not good enough. They're probably going to cheat on you because everybody's cheating on you and oh my gosh, they're not giving you your full attention. So that's because they're going to cheat,
Tiffany: you know? Yeah. Yeah. And if you're avoidant, I think it's important that you practice opening up just a little bits at a time.
Tiffany: Um, it, you know, to be vulnerable like that can be scary, but it's really the only way to build trust and intimacy.
Kierstyn: And speaking of trust, building trust and emotional intimacy takes time, but it's so important. Things like being [00:36:00] consistently, or being consistent, showing empathy, making space for your partner's feelings can help foster communication, or communication and connection.
Kierstyn: So, you know, I've experienced this. Even, and I think sometimes too, when you go through trial in life and you can go through it with your partner, and especially if your partner is in pain and it's not necessarily something that you understand, by you creating space for them to be emotionally vulnerable with you and that they can trust you, it can build the relationship so much stronger.
Kierstyn: So there's these really great opportunities that come from doing these practices. It will just better your relationship. Working together to move to a secure place is so powerful because it bonds the relationship, I think. Oh, I think so, too,
Tiffany: a hundred percent. And like Kirsten said before, if you're struggling to manage, you know, these patterns on your own, don't hesitate to book a call with us.
Tiffany: [00:37:00] Um, coaching can be such a helpful tool in understanding and changing these deeply ingrained patterns. So don't hesitate, um, to call us. So, um, you know, we can give you these tools, we can pass them on to you. We want to pass them on to you because it's important. I, I mean, today we were at, um, a campaign called, um, Dear Utah, uh, for domestic violence and that was kind of the theme of, you know, it's really important that, that we do what we can to help as many people as we can.
Tiffany: Exactly.
Kierstyn: Exactly. And one more thing I would add here is just, if you are in a, if you're in a, current state where you're like, I am anxious. I'm avoidant. I'm dismissive. I'm not the healthy, you know, attachment style. Or my partner is not the healthy attachment style, but I want to make it work. You know, obviously within, if there's not toxic behaviors and there's the awareness and the willingness, there is a way to do this.
Kierstyn: You [00:38:00] can do this. You can move out of those patterns. We see it all the time and you can end up in a secure relationship and you can have that you can value that you can Move into that so If you are currently trying to figure it out a couple resources for you Number one is we have our should I stay or should I go course?
Kierstyn: So if you're in the relationship and you're not sure if this person is who you should be with There's a link for that and then we're also going to have a link so you can book a call So if you need something more curated
Kierstyn: So, before we end, let's wrap with our affirmation.
Kierstyn: our affirmation this week comes from The Breakup Book of Affirmations, Words of Encouragement to Help You Move On. It was a number one new release on Amazon and is also available at TheRelationshipRecovery. com. And if you do it through TheRelationshipRecovery. com, we will also sign your book, so a little bonus.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Kierstyn: Alright, today's,[00:39:00]
Kierstyn: it makes it cooler if I flip it. If you give the full on effects. Despite this unsettling time in my life, I am slowly letting the light back in, and I allow myself to feel my failings.
Tiffany: Wow. That could have been more perfect for today.
Kierstyn: So that's your exclamation point for today's episode and we'll see you next time.