Murdering Malachi: Part 7 - Eventually, Everything Caught Up

So I wasn't always miserable . I mean , I've had my time when I was doing really well and all the women liked me had a few dollars in my pocket . Other than being short , men wanted to be me . I really was that guy for a minute , but eventually everything caught up . You think that ?

Because one of the things I realized was that in that eight year span I went from , I think , 39 to 46 or something like that , and that youthfulness I mean 39 is not youthful or 38 , but there was a certain youthfulness still there . There was a certain I could connect to the younger generation . I could still be considered the younger generation .

I was 39 , but I could still pass with 32 , 31 . And I could still live that life and people would look at me and still give me jobs that they give 20-year-olds because I'm that strong . People still had hope .

I became old overnight and I started realizing that all of the dreams that I had , that I used as sort of carrots to get me through , were never going to come true . And the realization that they literally can't come true hit me hard . You know what's really the point . You know I'm not going to write the great American novel . I was a gifted writer .

I was considered one of the best writers in America . I don't write anymore . I had scholarships or offers for wrestling . I didn't make it to college . I made the national team in Sambo . Never competed once . I was in the military , basically got kicked out twice actually .

If I survive which I don't know that I am , because , honestly , right now I'm at the very bottom Trail is gone , puck's probably going to be gone , I'm in a cat hoarder's house .

But you know , it's not enough to have someone stay and she doesn't have to do that and she does it and I'm incredibly grateful . And I don't know if I'm going to be able to get my truck fixed or not . If I can get it fixed and if I can somehow avoid it being repossessed this month , then I can tell myself , I can climb back .

I can tell myself if it doesn't get repossessed , if I make it through this payment , it doesn't get repossessed . If a miracle happens and I get to pay insurance and I get it fixed , then I can go out , not make money like I used to , but go out and do something . Go out and call before I run . I can do that . I can find a way to survive .

I can find a way to make it back . I can make it back . I just don't know if I will . I honestly don't know if I will or if I don't want to , and the reason I know I can make it back is because God loves me for some reason and I know who I am . I know that , for whatever reason , I overcome until I don't . I overcome Until I don't .

I guess right .

Caught Up , thought up . What makes old age so sad is not that our joy , but rather our hope ceases . That's a quote from a German author named Jean-Paul , who lived in the 16th and 17th century .

What Malachi just described is a very understandable feeling , with many reaching that point in your life when your age catches up to you and the sudden realization that you're not that young anymore , the dreams you once had and always thought you had more time to accomplish now seem unattainable . You could almost call it a midlife crisis .

I guess that's a tough period in life for a lot of people and we usually associate it with some 55-year-old guy going out and buying a new wardrobe and a sports car . But what happens when you find yourself at that age and with that same feeling and you have nothing ? No 401k , no health insurance , no house , no family ?

To say that must be tough is kind of an understatement . So the last time we really interviewed was probably , yeah , two months ago , two and a half months ago . So you know what's been going on since then .

I mean I mean I've , I've , I've lived life . I partied way too hard , I've worked way too hard . You know I've lived , but this recent and I had two surgeries last year for my wrist and my elbow from bad nerve damage . So you know I'm living , you know I'm living . But just recently I had the absolute worst experience .

It's near the top of the list of worst medical experiences a man can go through . And before I tell you what it is , I've actually had nurses who were there and we talked about it and they were like wow , we can't use the given birth excuse on you . You know that whole man who never understand the pain of anything they're like .

They're like , darn it , yeah , one man , we can't use that excuse on . So it was kind of a running joke with the nurses in the hospital that I cracked the code .

Oh God , oh yes , oh yes . Here's the story very quickly . I'm in a camper in florida , on the farm , and I'm starting to get infested with , like roaches and other little wood eating bugs .

And you know , I started noticing like , yeah , this ain't good and I'll spray , but then they come back because you know they just go out into the grass and then come back later . I mean , I wasn't , I wasn't filthy , but you know things happen , especially when you're out in the woods .

So me and me and stinkers um , she was , uh , tethered outside like a 30 foot leash safe . You know she gets to run around the grass and I left for the day . When I left , the day I did one of those raid bombs foggers Came back like 10 hours later and didn't think much of it , took my little outside shower .

It's Florida Been a camper , you know , in the back of a farm , so basically alone . So I laid down naked on the bed Just cooling off . After a little while I started noticing we're going to refer to them as my ping pongs just cool and all .

After a little while I started noticing and we're going to refer to them as my ping-pongs we can guess what part of the male genitalia that is . After a while , my ping-pongs started stinging . I was like what is that ?

And you know , being a dude who's had every pain known to man and damn near every injury , I just was like well , we'll see if it goes away . A few hours later it's like started to release . I'm like whoa , okay , okay , this ain't good . So then I'm like , well , we're definitely going to see something about this if this doesn't change .

By the morning it's like seven , eight at night , maybe an hour or two later , it was on fire . It was like someone literally had an open flame for my ping pongs . I got in the car , barely drove I mean , it was just seeing me try to drive a car while avoiding touching my ping pongs or anything . I'm dressed . It was a nightmare .

Got to the emergency room and at this point I couldn't sit down . I couldn't do anything . They just took me immediately to the back .

I wasn't on the bed , I was on the floor and like this weird craning position with my legs wide open , so nothing's touching , nothing , for like five hours , like literally just clouched on the floor , not moving for like five hours .

And they eventually gave me all these different MRIs and when they gave me a sonogram , oh dear God , oh dear God , I'm screaming because you know , they got to rub it with the oh Lord . They didn't know what was going on . Everybody was perplexed who is this guy in this horrific pain ?

And they ambulance came and took me to a bigger hospital , like the hospital for the area , like this is where you go when you're in trouble . And they took me in and same thing I'm , I'm on the floor , I think , for like eight hours , eight to ten hours in in crouching position . At this point my legs are going numb , you know . I mean like I'm just .

This is like I'm , I'm just . Where are we going to go from here ? What's happening ? Try , being in a crouch position for like 10 hours straight , not , not fun . So they came in . They didn't know what was going on , so they're like we're just going to take you to surgery . We think maybe your testes are tied up .

We don't know what's happening and I think by the time they were ready to take me to surgery , I was kind of able to lay down in this weird position because my legs couldn't hold me anymore and I found a way to lay down with one leg up , almost like I'm in a gynecologist stirrup , but unable to move at all .

Like any movement at all , was just this horrific pain . Finally , the surgeon . They took me to surgery . The surgeon came back , and I think it was two of them . I've learned from experience anytime two doctors come into a room , you're in trouble . They always come as reinforcements if , if they've got some news to tell you .

The doctor comes in and she says so um , this is what happened . I'm like , uh huh , we were about to perform a surgery about two . We were about to perform a surgery when we noticed the skin was falling off your ping pong right in front of us . Oh jeez .

Now I don't know for people who are where all the skin was gone .

But when you have no skin that is completely open nerve endings On top of it , being on the ping pongs , which is the single most sensitive Well , we all know , just tap your man's ping pong is very likely to see how he reacts . Lord Jesus , I was what I call pain paralyzed . For like three days my upper body could move a little . I could not move .

I just laid there my legs open . When they went to change or do anything , or when they can't even look at it , I was just screaming , screaming , and I'm a dude who has a high pain tolerance . Again , 16 surgeries , eight skin grafts . You know I've been through some things . I'm not your typical man where it's like baby , I've got a cold , I'm gonna die .

You know I'm the guy that goes in the hospital and they're like did you know this is also broken ? Oh , it is when I do that . You know I'm that guy . So for me to be screaming I mean screaming up and down they knew me . They had to come and be like can you stop screaming . Can you give me a new pair of nuts ?

You know , Right , you know I had become known in that hospital , I mean . So , yeah , they had me on morphine , oxycontin and some other one that starts with a D . I mean it was the single most pain I'd ever felt . I was laying there thinking to myself . I was like you know , praying to God , like just kill me now . I think a couple of points .

I was like just kill me now . I'm good , I'm done , Just kill me now . And the other time that I was like I was trying to be more productive and I was like it can't last forever . You know , I just got no longer . So it can't last forever . You know it has , it will get better . And I just kept holding on to the thought of just get through it .

It can't last forever . The thought of just get through it . It can't last forever , it's only temporary . It's only temporary . So , yeah , for the first three days I was late there , just a zombie it it kind of it healed actually pretty fast .

I was only in there for like a week , um , and they were like you know , you can go , but it was weird , like I once I started healing because of the nature of who , like you know you can go . But it was weird , Like once I started healing because of the nature of up and kind of walk , which was a monumental task .

But once I kind of was able to walk , it started healing faster and they're like well , you know you can go . Just , you know , take care of yourself , Be careful , Don't do anything , you know , continue resting for another week or two , anything you know , continue resting for another week or two .

But once I got back , the crazy farmulator basically had evicted me while I was paralyzed in the hospital and I was able to make arrangements for someone to move my trailer to some veteran's yard . You know , I went to the place with him but it was trashed out . It needed to be cleaned and sanitized from whatever bug spray remnant was left .

It was just a horrible , horrible ordeal . A local animal rescuer had taken stinkers while I was in the hospital , so stinkers were safe . But when I got out and I went back to the trailer I couldn't live in it . I did not have the physical ability to clean it or do anything . So I slept in my car for three days .

At the end of that three days I was back in the emergency room . Same pain , same hospital , the whole rig of remote . And at first they were like , well , because it wasn't the same doctor , what's going on ? Why are you hurting ? They didn't know what was going on . It looked weird . And what's going on ? You know why are you hurting ?

They didn't know what was going on . It looked weird . And then I think they somebody was like oh wait , we remember him . And they sent me back to the big hospital .

Back to the big hospital , Same surgeon came in and I explained to her that , you know , I was not able , I was not in a position to do any , staying still , laying still , you know , like a normal human being laid down in a bed and watch TV , that I'm sleeping in a car , surviving .

And basically what happened was that I caught an infection because it wasn't fully it was healed enough to go home , but it wasn't healed . So here I am with skin regrowing on my ping pongs and that skin is now swollen and infected . So , needless to say , it was massive pain again .

So I'm in hospital for like another week and a half or something like that , and then finally I get released from the hospital and I'm unable to do anything . You know I'm I'm in my trailer for days I think I rest , roughly moved it somewhere and that was just sort of the catalyst for just the fall . It just went downhill from there .

But that in and of itself , from all the hospital stays I've had , from all the multiple injuries I've had , from the self-inflicted wounds I've had , it's just that was absolute ninth or third circle of hell type of pain . I don't know that I wish that on my worst enemy , Like you'd have to do something to my daughter if I had one .

You know what I mean Something bad for me to want to wish that kind of pain on any human being are you kind of healed up now ? well , I'm healed , um , because that's what I do , it's still .

It's still sort of wrong , like I've got to be aware which I'm a clean person anyway , but I've really got to be extra aware of , like , ok , it's a really hot day , let me take that , you know sour , let me take that extra thing , let me not wear something that's going to cause them to , you know , rub up against me , like I've just got to be aware that

they are extra sensitive . Now , you know they're already , it's already an area like if you're a , you know , self-aware human being , it's your genitals . You already want to be . You know a lot of people don't . They're sure . But trust me , I know , um , you'd be surprised who doesn't take care of their generals ?

But a normal , healthy , self-aware human being is already sort of extra aware of their generals . But now I have to be extra , extra aware . But , all in all , um , it tells me it's more along the lines of just the uh , snowball effect it created on my life in general .

Yeah , you know , being evicted by the crazy lady while someone's paralyzed in the hospital because your bipolar mental ass is telling you that they're stalking you . It was just craziness , you know . Like I said , her boyfriend , who was the actual landowner , told me that he hid all of his guns . So but it's a snowball effect .

I just started losing everything I started .

You know , no matter how bad life got during the bad times , um , I knew my one saving grace is that I'm hercules , you know , and I could always go out . There are times I'd make some really good money just because they had a really , really strong guy who knew what he was doing , who wasn't just just strong but knew how to use it .

You know , there are a couple of times I made like 50 bucks an hour because I would get like a job on state property or like government property just doing manual labor . But because I was trustworthy and strong , you know I could get those .

I just got turned down for the first time in my life recently by a moving company and it's like they're right I think two of them did and I was like , oh shit , like that's my safety net . I guess you know , being 54 , they're just like no , you know , you can look like Arnold Schwarzenegger , but you're 54 .

We're going to give this job to the 20 year old . You know what I mean ?

So my uh , I had surgery on my elbow and my wrist last year , where I don't know if I told you this , but when I walked into the doctor's office , um , and I told them I had a , a cubidoo , uh , cubidoo , uh . Whatever it is , uh it was cubidoo tunnel yeah , cubidoo tunnel syndrome , uh , which is not a common thing .

And they thought like , oh , you know you've read too many goop and I'm like no dude . So they gave me the test and they're like holy crap , you're right . Like no one even knows what this is , let alone knows

they have it . But then he looked at me and was like but how do you not also know you have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists and you have a pinched nerve on both sides of your neck , like this ? Our machine lit up like a Christmas . We didn't even know these lights lit up until we attached it to you .

And so they're like first of all , how do you not know you have all this going on ? And second of all , whatever you're doing , if you continue , you'll be crippled by 60 . Like you . Just , we can't believe you're walking now . We can't believe you don't know that this much damage is going on . I'm like you know , I'm Generation X . It is what it is .

I'm just an old toot who's lived life . But they made it plain that , yeah , well , you're not going to have much life to live , whatever it was you're doing .

One drop feels like nothing but a thousand for six months straight , ew , oh , no , no , no , no .

They said mine was almost on the other side of my arm . They said they didn't even know if they could fix it like they've never seen one that bad but it's good now .

You know self-destructive or sinful ways Like , yeah , go ahead and be a crackhead , we still love you . You know , go ahead and sleep with a thousand people at night and catch every disease on the man we still love you . No , but we're just like look , baby , we love you , but you might want to look at what you're doing . That's the kind you feel me .

So , anywho , there are so many things that could have had me crippled for life already . So many things that could have had me , you know , walking like Igor , the fact that I'm basically a functioning man , the fact that I can still fight off a mugger and protect an old lady you know I might end up in hospital with two weeks now .

You know I'm not going to recover too quick , but the fact that I can still protect the vulnerable , the fact that I can still walk upright , is nothing sort of a miracle . But there's also the reality that I roll the dice one too many times now it's all going to come crashing down . You know I lift up .

The reality is , if I lift up one refrigerator now , that refrigerator might it ? Just everything might pop . You know that nerve will break , that ligament will break . I've got a frozen knee syndrome , which means that everything in my knee is damaged , yeah , but it's not damaged bad enough that like I can't walk .

But they're like everything the ACL , LCL , everything is a little damaged . So it's like Body's just falling apart yeah . Yeah , but if you push it you're going to be in a wheelchair .

So for someone whose life has been up and down penthouse to park bench , penthouse to park bench , and with my demons and with my issues and everything that's going on , I really I don't have a 401k . I could have prepared better for getting older , but surviving in and of itself was so hit and run for me .

I mean surviving for almost anyone now is , I mean who saves for tomorrow in today's world it's a miracle , it's a blessing . But then you add all the stuff I got and it's like just the fact that I made it is a miracle .

So , being prepared I'm not , and the way I survived was my body and I have taken this thing to the limits of medical science , yeah , so they literally don't know how I'm even just walking straight

anymore . What I said , what's something ?

But there are certain reasons that Florida is different from where I was certified , so I can't do that here , and that blew me out of the water . I was certified so I can't do that here , and that blew me out the water . I was like , oh , I could do that . I was like , damn it , what else am I going to get going ?

So for me , you know I could be an old dude working the shop . You know I could be that old cooter , you know , working that little wood shop shop . You know I could be that old cooter , you know , working that little wood shop somewhere . You know , small little , something simple to pay the bills and I'm fine with it . My main thing is my wants .

At this point in life , I mean I've lived it . You know I've done the whole , been on stage for a bit , I've had the gorgeous girlfriends , I've lived some life . I've lived more life than most people , in some ways Worse life than a lot of people , but I've lived and I'm okay with the fact that I've lived .

Right now , if I could just have some quiet , small , peaceful little corner to call my own , definitely a little bit away from the neighborhood life . I don't want to hear a poofy playing that music three o'clock in the morning . I mean , no one does , but especially me with PTSD and other issues .

That's why I went to the farm , just , you know , like if I could get another camper that's actually mine and not one that's on ridiculous payments that just I may not be able to afford for a month or two and then it gets repossessed .

You know , just something small that's mine where I could bring stinkers , maybe if there's , if I , you know , maybe if I have a space and means I could bring in , uh , another kitty or another rescue animal and I could be living , work on my photography .

You know , maybe bring in , you know , build that I have a talent for it actually , which is surprising , people like my work . So , yeah , I've seen it , it's beautiful . Who knew ?

So I just need to get stability so that I can actually grow in that and maybe , you know , make some art , get some creative escapism and also , you know , just create things for other people and bring some money in . I want to just have a nice quiet place where an encounter will be great , because the thing about me living is I cannot live for just myself .

You know , even if I am old and beat up , you know , just me living for me is sort of kind of pointless . Like I don't really see the reason in it and it's not paying back all the people who helped me . Like yeah , you helped me all these years , so now I get to sit and watch the prices right all day .

Like to me , that's so ungrateful , so selfish , you know . Hey , thank you God for saving me from that broken back that could have had me crippled for life . Thank you for saving me from those muggers . Thank you for when I was protecting those old ladies from that guy with the razor blade that he didn't cut my throat . Thank you for all that .

Now I'm just going to sit and eat tapioca pudding all day and watch cat videos . Just incredibly , incredibly selfish , ungrateful and an empty existence . I want to be able to collect food donations and medical donations for senior citizens with pets . You know a lot of our seniors and you know I know this through Animal Rescue a lot of our seniors are forgotten .

A lot of our seniors who have raised children , who have raised families , who have been loving wives or husbands , who , especially the men who work , you know 12-hour days for like the last 40 years and their thanks is to be left alone somewhere forgotten . All they have is a cat or a dog .

That's their only source of love and they're splitting a can of tuna fish from their care package because they can't really afford cat food and this animal is the only thing keeping them alive . I want to be able to go and collect donations for them .

I want to be able to help them say , hey , here's a couple of 30-pound bags of food , here's a case of calf food . I'll see you next month . You know what I mean . So I want to be able to go around and give back . I want to be able to feed the stray animals in the street that everyone's forgotten about .

Some of them were just thrown out , a lot of them thrown out by people who think animals will just survive . Well , they're wild animals . No , they're not . They're not wild animals and this isn't the forest . You know . I mean this is , this isn't the forest .

So you know I want to help the ones that are just forgotten , that are thrown , thrown out , that are barely surviving . So , you know , having just some small , simple space of my own where I can have my piece , where I can get back to my writing , because I just like and that's probably why I'm good at photography , because I used to be an excellent writer .

I was really like chased after by some publishing companies , but then my madness took over and we all know where that got me . And you know , I want to be able to finally write something of substance , something extended , and maybe it will be something that can make something beautiful of the horrors I've seen .

You know , I am an old man and right now I just I want peace , but I want to be able to give back . I have to . There's no other purpose in me surviving if I'm not saying thank you to the people who helped me survive this long by giving back to the world , in some way caring for those who have no one else to care for them .

And it's also my way of apologizing for all the failures that I've had , for all the times I let my demons beat me , for all the times I asked my demons to beat me . Come on and take me on this drug run . Come on and take me on this psychotic run . Come on , and you know what I mean . I wasn't always the victim . I volunteered .

I just I don't want to die in a place of nothingness . You know . When this old body finally gives out , I want to at least be able to say that for all the wrongs and all the failures , you know at least I said thank you , I said I'm sorry and I tried to make life a little bit easier for those who have no one else to do it for them .

Even one such as I , who lived in as great of darkness as I , have to find salvation and kindness . Veganism and Jesus showed me that , that the greatest weapon we have against darkness is kindness , and it doesn't mean niceness . It means kindness . Niceness is often empty bullcrap . Kindness means actually doing something .

For me , just trying to be kind is the only salvation there .

It's something we face as we get older , gain wisdom . The ego of who we thought we were or who we were supposed to be dies if we're lucky . Maybe we're not that hard-working , successful business person we thought we were , or the perfect mother or father . We're not the athlete or the golden child or the black sheep .

We're not addicted to drugs , ruled by vices or as ugly as we were always telling ourselves we were . We're not the party animal or the prude , or the person who has everything together or the one who always messes everything up . We're not any of these things , and maybe we just need a chance , a little time and understanding to prove the world otherwise .

When we first started this series with Malachi , the idea of murdering Malachi was more of a figurative than a literal title Someone who was trying to shed the person that abuse and mental illness , poverty and drug addiction made him think he was . In the end he's not really Malachi , he's just a man named Eric that grew up in Philadelphia in the 1970s .

We've decided to start a GoFundMe for Eric with the goal of giving him an actual used travel trailer , something with a proper bathroom and a small kitchen and a place to put it . For a year we figured we'd try to raise about $30,000 and that could get it done .

If you've enjoyed listening to a story and would like to help out , you can check out the show notes for a link to the page or visit TheRedactedPodcastcom . Thanks for listening . The Redacted Podcast is produced by myself , matt Bender , and my wife , pamela Bender . Make sure to go out there and give us a like , a share , share it with your friends , rate us .

Every little bit helps . Thanks for tuning in . Thank you .