He's all right. He just likes food. Let me have him for those shoes. Are you guys recording? Yeah. Well, it sounds... Ow! Don't say that. Which one? What did he do? He just bit it out of my hand. He's like getting all of them. Here. Don't be so slow. Oh my god. Oh my god. The one is right by me. Oh my god. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. That one. What do you think he's going to do? Just attacked him.
He attacked you. Yeah, but it wasn't... I think he's going to come up and swipe me, too. It wasn't violent. It was loving. Kind of. I don't want to lovingly be... Look, when they bite you for real, you know it. Okay. Like, I have had... incidents with my cats, if they get freaked out, like they think something's threatening and they bite you, it's bad. I got an infection once in my hand that I didn't even know was like a problem.
But it was from a bike. It was funny because it was someone on Instagram live that saw it, that saw my hand. And said, you should go get antibiotics because that's his specific kind. What was it? It was just an infection from their mouth. I love that he took my spot. Okay. There he goes. There you go. Yeah, you know, it's a certain type of person that... That what? Deals with cats. Yeah, I don't think I'm the type of person that deals with cats. No? No. They freak you out?
I'm a little bit allergic. Really? What's going on now? No, it's if I start touching my face after I touch it. No, it happens. My eyes just like swell shut. That seems like a good reel. Maybe rub your face. But it's just a cat. He's wise, but does he want them? He thinks you have food. I don't. There's nothing there. It's so funny because you're kind of, I think you're like a cat. You're kind of obnoxious.
Is that what? Okay. Yeah. And, you know, hard to like. I'm going to stand up for a second. No, come on. Just go. Okay. Oh, I don't want to be the one that moves him because what is that? Oh, my God. What that? That one is haunting me. What's up, buddy? If he swipes you again. He just thinks I have food. Oh, see? That's nice. He's going to bite you. Okay. All right, buddy.
Just sit down. He'll move. I will not sit by him. Who's going to move? Do you think he looks like he wants to hurt this cat? No. This is just cat stuff. They're just all weirdos. I have an orange cat who's like really... Kind of dumb. Is it? Is that a thing? Are orange cats dumb? I hear that's a thing, yeah. That's a pretty cat. I've had a couple orange cats. Okay. There you go. Oh, God. No, this one's fine. Look at it. Just sit down. Let me just say it in this. You're bigger than they are.
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touch him or threaten him somehow it's gonna be all right i regret ever putting what what the was that what happened something hissed oh well there's 50 cats in here maybe it was a cat That's what they do before they attack, or do they just do that? No, who knows? Like, they might just be communicating with each other. Like, haven't you ever hissed? Yeah, no, no. To get rid of somebody? No, I haven't. Like, ssss. You do that? No, cats do that.
I thought maybe he was... That one, yeah, that one's trouble. I mean, not in a bad way. What do you mean not in a bad way? Destiny, don't, don't. He just, don't do that, Destiny. No, he's not. Come on, you guys. Don't you have cats? Do you have cats? You have cats? You? He does. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you have a dog? I have three dogs. Three dogs. So you're like a dog person, like a needy person. What do you call a cat person?
A person that respects boundaries and is willing to accept the challenge of having a pet that may or may not like you. I don't. Okay. On any given day. I don't want to speak down on cats because it feels like the wrong place to do that. Yeah. They're listening. All of them. And I'm not, I would not say anything mean about them. Yeah. I'm just saying they're not for me.
And that one's really close to your foot again. It's not like a shark. You're talking like we're in some sort of lion cage. Okay. Can you show the camera what he did to you? He just hit me with his paw. It's not like there's going to be a lot of people out there that are like, just relax. It's a cat. Yeah. What do you think is going to happen? That. Yeah. Wow. I'm glad we're doing this here.
I don't have to do anything. I'm just scared of that cat. Do you understand? None of the other cats are scaring me. Okay. That one in particular feels a little bit... like that guy he seems like he might like you i think is that the old man one no no i don't know where that one is i really like the cross-eyed one oh the orange one no
Oh, the old man one I think has cross-eyed. I think that's him on the garbage can. No, no, no. There's one real cross-eyed? No, fully cross-eyed. I didn't know that they came cross-eyed. They come all kinds of ways. That's what's interesting about cats is like each one of them are, they're just weirdos. Every one of them is a weirdo. They're pretty weird. And they're their own unique weirdo. Look. Like what even happened there?
I wonder... What? How long have you been a cat person? I grew up with a lot of dogs. I grew up with old English sheepdogs. You know the big hairy ones? Yeah. Like my dad was into showing them. So my whole childhood is just like covered in hair and like shit all over the house. And yeah, it was a lot. I have five old English sheepdogs over a period of time. So then you decided never to get a dog again, just cats.
Then a girlfriend gave me a cat. Wow. Butch. That was the name of that cat. Did she take it when you broke up? Are you guys still together? No, we moved out here with it. That was crazy. We had this cat in a U-Haul. He had a congenital problem. He passed away. So then... It's sad. I just can't have a dog with my lifestyle. And you've got to walk them. Cats, you put a box out. You say hi to them every once in a while.
But I'm not really, I don't think I'm fundamentally a cat person. What do you mean? A cat person? Yeah, I don't think I'm really a cat person. What do you mean you're not a cat person? I don't really talk to cats like cat people do. You know, like you're probably nice to your cat, right? Like, hey, how you doing? You don't talk to yours? No, I'm like, what's going on?
How's it going? I feel like you're a dog person. Probably. Yeah. But for years, I always got these cats that were always nervous and I couldn't understand it. I was like, why do I always get these fucked up cats? And then I realized it's like, it's me.
When you're like, hey, how you doing? A cat's like, why? Yeah. Is that what's happening right now? No, no. I don't, like, I'm not a cat whisperer. I mean, it's like if I was, they'd be all over me, but they don't care. If you were, then I wouldn't have swiped your hand. I don't know. I would imagine that many, like this guy's great. It looks like he's blind in one eye and he's an orange cat. Are these, they're up for adoption? Yep. Oh my God. I didn't even notice that. Yeah. This is just that.
Oh my God. He's all right. He's like, you know, he's been through some shit. He's been through a lot of shit. Yeah. I don't know how much time he has. No, he's all right. Are you okay? He's all right. I have an orange cat that's like a moron. How do you pet a cat? Just put your hand up to him, back first, and let him smell it. See what he does. He rolled his eye. Huh? He rolled his eye. Yeah, I don't think that's an unusual reaction to you.
Generally speaking. Thank you, Mark. I feel like you're so simpatico with cats. Do you feel like that? Yeah, but I don't think you're a cat person. I think you're probably like a cat. It's kind of judgmental. wary of people and it takes a lot to get you to be comfortable. Get me a cat. I feel like we would be best friends. Yeah, you just sit there and look at each other and just try to decide. Actually, isn't it opposites attract for me? That's why I don't.
like cats well dogs are good because they have to like you do they kind of i mean dogs have different personalities too i think they do but the the thing they all share is they need you to too like they want to like you yeah yeah you just like oh that's why i like dogs yeah kids are like that too oh you got like a couple right yeah we got like six no yeah you have six kids I started young. You do not have six kids. I talked to you before. You have like four. Two. Four.
You do not have four kids. I just put two up for adoption while we were talking. Here? Did you bring them here down with me? Right there. They're in a cage over there? Your kids? Yes. That's them right there. They made an exception for you. We'll put our kids in the cage. Yeah. That's what happened. I imagine kids are like kind of a hassle.
Kind of a hassle. Yeah. A lot of a hassle. I couldn't have kids. Same reason I can't have dogs. You physically could not have kids or you chose not to have them? I chose not to have them. Why? Because they're just always like, help me. They do that a lot. You know, it's just a lot of help me. They do do that. Yeah, and like... You don't want to help them? What if I brought my kids here and they said, help me, what would you say? I'm not an asshole. I mean, I would go, what do you need?
And if they said, you know, something reasonable, I would try to help them. I'm not, I like kids for a couple of days. Okay, you just didn't want the mom. Right, but my fear is if I had them all the time, that eventually I'd be like, just leave me alone. That happens sometimes.
but not always yeah that's the important but how do you know if the one time you're like just just give me a minute that that breaks their brain and they're forever that could happen yeah might have already happened i hope it didn't yeah me too I think that every mother has to... My mom... Your mom did what? Told you to go away? No. From what I understand, my brother used to cry all the time.
That's annoying. Right. So she used to just lock him in a room. That's illegal. Well, this is a different time. That should have been illegal. I mean, not like, you know, in a crib or whatever. She wasn't, like, denying them food or anything, but just not to deal with the crime. She slipped it under the door or something? Yeah. Turns out, yeah. He was lactose intolerant, so the poor kid.
I don't know. I don't think she knew better. She was like 22. She was like your age when she had me. How old were you when you had the kid? 22. Yeah. When I had the kid. Yeah, it did not turn out well for either of us, so I really hope. Oh, my God. Excuse me. We're recording. Yeah, and what it made my brother into was one of these guys that was always looking for some sort of spiritual answer. Did he find the answer? Comes and goes.
You know, he walks into one thing for a while. Like what? Like religion? He got pretty Jew-y for a while. Are you Jewish? Why do you say it like that? Can you change the tone on that a little bit? Listen, are you? Are you Jewish? Are you? I just feel like if you're not Jewish, you shouldn't say what you just said. Julie? I feel like that's illegal if you're not Jewish. I'm Jewish. I have complete right and license to say Jewy. Or like Jew. I don't have the right to say any of that.
So I'm not going to. Are you Jewish? You have a Jewish name. You could lie. I was married to someone who was Jewish. But he left me because I wasn't Jewish. Is that true? No. Was he Jewish? Yeah. That's where my last name comes from. That's why I thought you were Jewish. I was so disappointed when you were on my podcast. And you found out I wasn't Jewish. Yeah, I was like, this would be great. We'll Jew it up.
That feels wrong to say even though you're Jewish. I'm not even going to repeat you. Well, I defy any Jew to come after me for saying Jew it up. How Jewish are you on a scale from 1 to 10? Genetically. Like 99%. Culturally, 95%. Actually, religiously, zero-ish. There are a lot of ways you can be Jewish. Yeah. Can you explain them to me?
Because I live in a Jewish neighborhood. Like Orthodox Jews? Yeah. Oh, well, that's the far end of the spectrum. Okay, you're not there. No, am I wearing a yarmulke? You could have taken it off. Not if I was Orthodox. What if you were just semi-Orthodox? Nope, you gotta wear the kippah. That's what it's called. Yeah, kippah or yarmulke. Wow, we're educating today. That's good. I experienced, there was a mold issue last night.
What'd you do? Went to dinner at a friend's house. And they fed you mold? Nope, but they had bought some fake cheese because I'm a vegan. You're vegan. Do you always ask questions like it's an attack? It is. You're vegan. I'm shocked you're a Jewish. Are you a Jewish? Okay, because you just drank this and it has meat in it. It has what in it? Meat in it. It has animal fat in it? Yeah. I'm not crazy vegan, but I'm vegan.
Good thing you're not crazy vegan because that has. It doesn't have anything. 10%. Look at this guy. Beef stock or something. Bone stock. Does it really? No. Oh. That'd be crazy though, huh? It'd be gross to have an energy drink that's bones. How long have you... Wait, I have a problem. Oh, so the mold thing. You were telling a story. Yeah. Well, they bought some high-end cashew cheese.
And it had just some little mold spot on it. Like the regular cheese just cut it off, right? Because cheese is kind of mold. So there was a big conversation as to whether or not mold on cashew cheese is the same. But I manned up, I cut off the mold and I ate it. I don't think that works the same. I don't either, but I took a chance. Are you okay? I don't know. You guys know I keep it real here and something I haven't talked about is how stressful it can be dealing with hair thinning.
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off on their best-selling Carver Matt frame. That's A-U-R-A frames dot com. Promo code Bobby. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. I feel like we should get back to the fact that you're vegan. Okay. Why?
How long? You want the old man's story? Has it been forever? Is it that old, the story? Or is the story more new? No, it's been a couple of years. Why are you looking at Nick? That's not even your camera. Look at your camera if you're going to look somewhere.
Stop taking my camera. Sorry. I've been in show business half my life and I still don't know where my camera is. That's embarrassing. Why did I go vegan? Because... All right. So I had slightly... high cholesterol and i was curious like the whole story how how long ago was i set the date almost two years so here's what happened that's it yeah
But I've eaten enough meat. You know, I've been alive one time. I've eaten all the meats. Yeah, you're good. Plenty of it. You don't need any more. But here, I'll tell you the true story. I got a colonoscopy. Thank you for sharing this. Do you want to hear about that? No. So I got a colonoscopy.
I wish I could unknow that. Well, wait till you get one. Continue. Continue your story, Marcus. Yeah. Well, I don't have ass cancer, which is a plus. I'm proud of you. But when you get a colonoscopy, you drink this stuff and it cleans you all out? Look at that guy. Oh, that's outside. Oh, he wants to come in. Okay. So listen. I'm listening. So it cleans you all out. So I figured this is the time to do, like, I'm pure. So now I'm not going to put any meat in me.
Wow. Yeah. So I started the vegan thing to see if I could get my blood numbers down. And I did it for two weeks. And it worked. It went down. And I did it for another month. And it leveled off. It's still not perfect, but it made a big difference. So I'm like, I can do this. And I just, and I like to cook. So I just do the vegan thing. What do you make? Vegetables? There's a lot of, yeah. But there's possibilities. Vegetable shaped as meat?
What do you make? No. What do you eat? I eat, like, shit. We're not asking what I eat, Marcus. Do you eat, like, chips? Yeah, I know those are medium. Do you eat, like, what kind of, like... like 1997 person are you are you like d gummies gummy bears weed gummies no no like regular gummies who the fuck eats gummies like people who are young and and women a lot like the
like the the gummy stuff am i wrong that's so weird and not accurate is it weird do you eat gummies like do you eat gummy bears anybody in here not gummy bears like those what are the worms called Fucking gummy worm. Sorry. You eat those? Different. Anybody? Yeah. It's just not my style of candy. But what do you eat? Do you cook? Um... That's a tough question. No, it's not. It is. It's not a tough question. Do you put things in a pot or a pan or maybe make a sandwich? That's not really cooking.
You put things in a pot or a pan. Well, if you're going to take away the things they make and tell me they're not cooking. A sandwich is not cooking. I feel like it kind of is. Really? Do you cook, like, real food? Are you a good cook? There's no way.
It can be if I want to. There's no way. Okay, well. Like, what do you cook? Like, I'm going to do something special. I'm going to grill the sandwich. I never say that. I order it. Okay. Oh, she's coming up. Hey, buddy. This one's issue. You know what? She doesn't look like the other cats, but she still doesn't look super friendly. So vegan food, like chickpeas, like tempeh, I like seitan, I like brown rice. I was vegan too.
Oh, you were just holding out on me? You were trying to... Why are you not vegan anymore? Well, it was only for a week. It's really hard to be vegan, Mark. For a week, you were vegan. maybe maybe on and off for a couple months yeah like here and there i dabbled in it what do you mean some days you didn't eat meat and that means you were vegan sometimes i would have dairy
Like I would put Parmesan cheese on my vegan meal and then that's no longer vegan. I like the vegan thing, but I'm not righteous about it. You're not. I feel... Like, when I think about it too much, I would like to be vegan. Because I don't like how they treat animals. Yeah, because... But if I just don't think about it, then I can eat it. Yeah. Before I went vegan, when I was eating a lot of meat, because I got...
You know, you do a show and people send you shit. Yeah, where they send you. All right, so... Are you bored? I'm listening to you, Marcus. They sent me a Traeger grill. What's that? A smoker. Like a Traeger smoker. Yeah. Like when you put pellets in, you smoke it. Okay. So I felt... Who sent you that? Traeger. They sent you a giant... A smoker. So I had to smoke everything.
Big, like, cowboy steaks with the big bone, ribeyes with the bone in, chickens, smoking briskets and stuff. And then one day I was looking at a bone-in ribeye, and I could not separate it from the cow. Like it wasn't just a steak. It was like, this was like heart. Did you eat it still? Yeah. Well, yeah. You don't have to die in vain. No, I didn't have an ethical crisis at that moment. But now that I'm vegan, I feel better, I think. You know, I am better than you. Because I'm vegan. I agree.
No, I think that I'm a horrible person because I eat meat. Yeah, I think so too. Among other reasons, I think. No, I think that's just the only bad thing about me. You know what's happening to me right now? I was like, why am I getting so congested? And I am feeling a little allergic, but I'm okay.
I'm waiting for the eyes to swell shit. They are. Can you see them at all? They're getting watery. I can feel it. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were allergic. You know, I actually thought maybe that was a made-up allergy of mine. I just am never around cats. But when I was younger, I had one experience with a cat. Yeah. So my whole life I've lived telling people I'm allergic to cats, but then I didn't think...
I actually, you know, it was one of those things. What was that experience that you had? I just went over to my friend's house and her cats rolled over me and then I couldn't open my eyes anymore after the day. And then my throat started to get really itchy. Oh, good. That was good. That's happening now. Yeah, but I'm fine. Are you allergic to anything else? No. No. I don't have allergies, I don't think. That's nice. What else is on your mind? Do you think that it's... I was talking to...
My friend, and it's crazy people that are allergic to peanuts. That's a bad one. That would suck. Because they could die. Yeah, that's crazy. Could you imagine just like, that's why they're so crazy at restaurants. Like, do you have any... allergies because they don't want somebody to go yeah any moment i miss they're on a plane and they smell a peanut they're gonna die good it's a crazy well i don't think it's that sensitive
I feel like sometimes it is. I think they just stopped doing peanuts on planes because they didn't want to have any possibility of a lawsuit. Oh, you're really going. I'm not. One time Ed Helms, when I interviewed Ed Helms, you know, the comedic actor at my house, he was allergic to cats. And what happened? He was wheezing.
He was wheezing and he was congested. That's crazy. But I wouldn't end the interview. I'm happy that you wouldn't. We should sit here the rest of the night and just see what happens to me. I want you to rub your face. Can you imagine if I did? I feel like I probably have or else I wouldn't be experiencing what I'm experiencing. Oh, but anyway, so my friend had a peanut allergy his whole life and then it went away. How do you figure out it went away? You go get checked.
oh i thought he was just you can outgrow allergies apparently but we he was my radio producer you can also grow into allergies i know so knock on wood because i feel like you're gonna get some allergies now i think i might maybe a mild like i don't know i peanut i i don't know if i have a peanut problem or it's just whole foods i don't now everybody wants attention it just wants to break out of that cage yeah
But anyway, so he is peanut allergy went away So we did all these segments of him eating peanut stuff for the first time. It was pretty exciting That sounds exciting to watch a guy eat a Snickers for the first time in his life. Yeah, that's a big day
Yeah. Snickers is good. I'm proud of him. That's the worst thing he could have picked. He ate everything. Peanut butter, Snickers, Reese's. Snickers are nasty. Are they? Yeah. Why would you say that? They taste gross. What kind of candy bar do you like? If you like say Butterfinger, I don't believe anything you said. No, Reese's. Is that how you say it? Reese's. Reese's peanut butter cups. I like those.
Do you like peanut butter cup ice cream? I just like peanut butter in general. Me too. Peanut butter and chocolate. You can't have chocolate. Not unless it's vegan chocolate. Do you like Reese's? Yeah. You can't eat those. I know. It's sad. So you're not vegan.
That's a sad thing. You haven't had one? No. Oh. Not since I've been vegan. But I've had peanut butter. You could try a dark chocolate one. Yeah. It's disgusting. I can make my own. I can just get a vegan chocolate bar and spread peanut butter on it. It's disgusting. Put some sugar. No? That's nasty. What? What is wrong with you? I'm just waiting. I'm just meditating. I think I'm... Do you meditate? No, do you? You should. Have you tried? No.
But I feel like if anybody should meditate, do you? I tried it. Why'd you stop trying? Because it made me anxious. Then you were doing it wrong. No, I wasn't. I was doing it perfectly right. As someone who's never meditated in my life, I know you were doing it wrong. I would do the app, you know, I'd breathe and then like clear my head and just, you know, focus on the breathing. And then when everything quieted down and I was in that place of like sort of meditative bliss.
I was like, ah, I got to get out of here. I need some things going on. Oh, yeah. I don't like meditating. Yeah. That's just boring. Did you try it? I don't know if I could say I really tried it. But you're willing to say, people tell me to meditate all the time. Yeah, they're wrong. I'm dying right now. And I just touched my face. That was crazy. You did it. Yeah. But I didn't touch my eyes, and that's really what's important. I don't understand how allergies work. What's wrong with me?
I think it's an immune system thing. What do you mean? I'm not a fucking doctor. Well, just after you're old, so you should know a lot of things. I don't know the exact... I just feel like with age comes knowledge and you should have the knowledge of this because I know that you've been around a long enough time to ask this question to someone at some point. An allergic reaction is your body saying...
Go fuck yourself. Do never put this in my body again. Why can my body not handle things that other people's body can in the nice first star? Because, well, you know, you have problems. And you say that to everybody who has allergies? Yeah. Okay. I think there's some, I don't know. I can believe you're getting canceled now at 70 years old and you made it this far in your career without it.
Getting canceled? Yeah. For saying you have problems? People with allergies have problems? Probably. I feel like that's very offensive to people with allergies. I am going to start the movement to cancel you for that. I think we... I think in the context, and this is like what they all say. Who's they? You know, the people that are getting canceled. Okay. I think it was a joke.
I don't think you really have problems. It's a cop out. I think you have allergies. I think you should give an apology to the camera right now, but you have to cry. I have to write you a little speech. It has to be a hole. I apologize to all of you that have allergies. you know, that you can't enjoy things that normal people enjoy because your body reacts the way they do. And I'm sorry if I implied that, you know.
There's something wrong with you. There is, but it doesn't imply anything about you. It's just bad luck. That was horrible. Oh, my God. What is it doing? Oh, it's playing with me. I thought that was a bad apology. Yeah, you're still canceled. Hold on. Some of my best friends have allergies. I think that was about sealed it. And they're just regular people, and I don't judge them for it. And he's just sitting by me right now.
What? And he's just sitting by me right now. Oh, that's a good color cat. I like ginger cats. That one. That's been behind me. Oh, no. No, I haven't seen that guy. One of my old cats was that color. Boomer. He disappeared. Did you name him after yourself? No, he came with that name because I got him at it. I just, I'm barely a boomer. Barely. That's crazy you are. I know it is. What does that feel like when people are like, okay, boomer, did I say that to you?
They do, but it doesn't apply. I'm like, I made that, I'm one year. Okay, boomer. What are you even? I'm on the cusp. Of what? Of Gen Z and millennial. I'm on the cusp of Boomer and Gen X, right? I've never even heard of Gen X. Isn't that Gen X? Isn't that a thing? Can we check? I'm pretty sure I didn't make it up. Older, oldest. That's right. There are boomers that are like 70-something. Yeah. The original boomers are like the old hippies. I'm 61. So there's a boomer.
That's like 10, 15 years old than me. Like 64 is the end of the boomers. I'm 63. Year. 1963 was the last boomers. Oh, and then you're 1964. 64 begins the next thing. How old are you? 61. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What are you sorry about? You don't have that much time left. Well, maybe that's, I think you should get canceled for just saying I'm going to die because I'm 61, huh? You're just going to, you're getting their book. They're coming for you.
They're a little early. I'll tell them to circle around and there'll be time. I'm sorry. It's not done yet. Just circle. He's got a few more minutes in him before he just... So I'm going to be actually shouldn't be talking about this because you are at the age where people die. No, no, no. Where you're going to.
you're gonna die in the next like 30 years and then they might resurface this clip where we talk about this and they're gonna be like oh she it was a week before okay don't say that you're not gonna die in a week stop it oh god now you're gonna die next week no stop it
I knocked on wood. And look, all the cats are coming. I don't want you to die. Thank you. I appreciate that. I don't know much about you, but I do know you gave me a mug. It's a nice mug, right? I really... appreciate people who give me mugs but not just a mug like a handmade mug with your cats on them and me my face is on there too that's true your face
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I tried to use it once. Did you have trouble with a mug? Is that your generation? Like, how does this work? Is this a handle? There was an issue. My sister. Broke it? No. Oh. She was trying to pour something in it, and what happened, Lexi? Tell the story of the mug. Go ahead. What happened to the mug?
It made a cracking sound? So then we got scared and never used it again. Was it hot? Yeah, it was really hot. Oh my God, there's something in there. Is there a cat in there? Oh, I'm sorry. But you heard it like... Oh my god. Is that jarring? Yes, Mark. Cats play with shit. My cats are crazy. Okay, listen. Aren't mugs supposed to have hot things in them?
yeah i don't know what the deal was it was probably the glaze but that's not i've never heard that before some people have used those mugs made by that guy for decades now let me ask you a question what's your question how's this going what why would you ask that Because I don't know what you expect or what you're doing here. I expect nothing. What is it saying? No expectations, no disappointments. I expected nothing of you, so I can't be disappointed. That's so weird.
Because I felt the same way. I was almost not going to come. That's crazy. I almost wasn't going to come to your house when you had me do your interview. But guess what? I showed up. And then you made my sister sit outside on your porch. Yes. I was rude. Was it? I'm sorry.
That's who we're usually, but I didn't know you were going to bring an entourage. It was a person. Yeah, it's an entourage. That doesn't count as entourage. One person is an entourage. By definition, I feel like it's not. For a very unpopular person, one person is an entourage. You made my sister sit on your porch. It was nice out though, wasn't it? She had no phone and had no Wi-Fi. How is that my problem? Why do you take your sister's phone away whenever you do things together?
because i don't want her to find out yeah i don't want her to find out that there's like a life outside of me yeah because then she might perhaps leave but you locked her on your porch so locked her on my porch What does that even mean? She was locked outside in the day, free to go wherever she wanted. I didn't want anyone in the room with us. It's okay. Because I wanted you to focus and act like a person. Yeah. And I didn't know if that was going to happen.
Did it? It did. I thought it was a very good interview. I've said it to my producers a couple of times when he's like, I don't want to put this out. Yeah. I'm like, you have to. It's really good. He's like, I don't want, I don't even want to listen to it. I might just listen to it. Yeah. She's different than you think. I know. And my team was like, just go on his podcast. I know nobody knows who he is. Just go. He used to, though.
Yeah. I was like, damn. Back in the day. I guess I'll go. Yeah. Out of respect. Out of respect for my elders. For the podcast industry. Oh, and the podcast industry. You are the OG. Yeah. So I heard. i'm the og yeah to the point where we just do audio huh you're the og pod right you invented podcasting well i was there i think at the beginning of what is modern podcasting yes
I thought that interview went well. People will listen to it. Not people that know who you are. But there'll be a whole generation of boomers. Boomers, maybe a little younger. This will be interesting. Maybe I'll look this woman up. Because you're so different. Yeah. you know on my podcast they're gonna go like i want to see her stuff and they're gonna be like oh who the is that yeah what is she even doing she's even more beautiful than i thought
It wasn't where I was going. That's where I was going. I can see that. That's where I went. You have to believe what you got to believe to get by every day. That's okay. I know that you're in love with me. A little. Not a lot. Just a little. I thought you were going to say no. No. No, I was, I find, I wouldn't say I'm in love with you, but I was like, she's doing a thing.
And I appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. We had a good conversation. Are you looking to be a grandfather? I have two kids. Do you want to take that role on in your life? Well, are you proposing to me? I didn't say a stepdad. Right, so how would that work? You just think I can hire a grandfather? No, you're like a father figure.
What the fuck was that? They're cats. They make noises. Why did it make that noise, though, in particular? Was he throwing up? Oh. Yeah, they have hairballs and stuff. They get pukey cats. Do you want to hear a funny story? Do I? Yeah. Okay. A cat story? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like we're not doing cats. There's no way.
No, wait, what? She's making that much sound during my podcast. That's so disrespectful. Listen to the beeping sound. That's actually a cat. It's weird if they're around technology or what, those things. It's crazy. Let's hear your story. Okay. I don't even know why I can tell you this story because I've been doing it on stage and it's a burn it. Burn it? What do you mean? Well, it means like if I do the joke here. Oh, tell me it. Then.
You know, it's just, it's weird. If it makes you feel any better, I guarantee the people who buy tickets to your shows are not the same people who watch this. Well, the story is, like, I have this asshole cat, Charlie, who's like, you know. Is it a real story? yes okay it was a a revelation so i got this cat he likes to play with those like those scrunchie balls like you throw the ball and he'll play with it and i like to watch him play with the ball
Right? Mm-hmm. They're setting me up. They're setting me up. They're throwing food over here? At like my feet. Oh my God. They're all coming. They're all coming. Okay. Wow. This is really... Some people have this many cats. I know. I dated a woman that had nine cats. You still dated her? Yes. After you... Did you break up with her when you found out she had nine cats? No, no. But a lot of cats. She's the one that introduced me to this place. Oh, God.
I fostered a cat at this place once. Oh my God, that one's so pretty. That's the one I was telling you about right behind you. The old one? No, the cross-eyed one. Look at that cross-eyed. She just hears the food. I don't even think she can see. I don't think she can hear anything. We've got to just give her... Oh, should I steal one from one of these scary cats? Tell the joke. It's a story. Tell the story. You said you tell it when you're standing up.
So the cat likes to play with the little balls and I throw the ball and I like to watch him play with the ball and sometimes he'll fetch it but no matter where I play with him. with the ball in my house. You saw the house, pretty big house. No matter where I play with them with the ball within like six minutes, it's going to end up under the stove. I don't even know how. So I was on my knees, you know, with a broom handle and with the iPhone.
like trying to get the ball out from under the stove and the cat was just sitting there and I realized, oh my God, he likes to watch me play with the ball. It was a nice moment. It's funny. You're just stopping the laughing. That's just cute. That's not funny. It is funny. It's cute and funny. But do... Is that... Are those the type of jokes you tell? Only when I'm trying to break up the dark stuff.
Utah dark stuff. Yeah. So like if I'm here, something dark. No, like if I'm doing heavy stuff about heavy beltway. Whether it's politics or my life or like weird darker jokes, sometimes I feel like, well, the audience needs a break. I'm going to tell the cute cat joke. That's cute. And then it breaks it up. They're like, okay, thank you. Politics, cat, religion. Yes, exactly. That's how it works. Do that real quick. Give us an example. No. Yeah. No. Yes.
I already did the cat thing. I can't break it up. No, try again. We're going to cut the cat thing and put it in between the two horrible things you're about to say. I don't say anything horrible, and I'm not going to test jokes on you. They're testing it on the audience. No, because then I do a joke and then you do this sort of like... I'm your worst case scenario for an audience. That's right. If you can break me, you can break anybody. But you'd fight it so hard. I'm not going to fight it.
Ugh. Go ahead. I'm not going to do any jokes. I'm not doing jokes. That's so rude. I know. Give me a joke. I'm not going to give you a joke. Fine, tell me how to write one so I can give jokes. You do like, have you wrote a joke? You like, so I was doing this, and then this happened, and then a surprise ending. Okay. Yeah, it's just like A plus B equals like, oh shit, I didn't see that coming. That's the, okay, let me try it. That's the basic joke format. Should I do one? Yeah, please.
It's hard. It is hard. I don't think you're cut out for it. I don't think so either. Can I give you props? But I feel like I can. Give me a minute. You know how I feel like when they stand up there, they're like, so. Yeah. Yeah. So last week, are they made up stories that comedians tell? Are they real to them? I feel like they're made up. No, I think they're not made up. Usually they happened, but they might not have happened last week.
and they're exaggerated i don't know if they're yeah of course well they frame it so it's funny but like when a comic says like yesterday i was yeah it could have been years ago that's a lie then no it's a joke oh they're liars well they want to make it fresh they want to make people like you go is that real did that really happen to them so yesterday yeah my mom
Was giving birth to me. It was the punchline. You're living it. And then I was born. That's hilarious. Did you believe that that was yesterday? I gotta say I did not. What's on your hand? Which part? What the fuck? Why does it say that? Why do you think it says that? Try to put it together. And it's on your middle finger? That's crazy, Mark. Try to put it together. Why would I be wearing a WTF ring? Come on. You can do this. Come on. I don't understand what you're trying to help me get to.
That's the name of my podcast that you were on, WTF. Well, now I know. You didn't know? It's called WTF. What is this called? I feel like I'm not going to tell you right now because you're not going to be nice. You just dismissed my entire life. Not your whole life. You've lived a lot of it. The podcast is relatively new. 15 years.
But when you've been alive for 100 and then 15 years is just such a small. Sure. Yeah. So what's this one called? Is it called Tedious with Bobby, whatever your last name is? Don't act like you don't know. You said you were in love with me three seconds ago, but now you don't know my last name. I said I was kind of in love with you. Let's not go overboard. I was being nice because I thought maybe it would help whatever the fuck this is. Okay, well.
Yes, WTF. Does that stand for what it normally stands for? Do you have some spin on it for you? No spin. Why the French bulldog when you can have a cat? Is this a separate thought? I think that's what your thing could be called. Oh, why the French? Oh, so you're kind of riffing. I'm giving you names that you can be. You're like, why the French bulldog? I'm asking. There's so many different letters.
things I can stand for I'm asking you what that stands for I think it's the basic yeah what the fuck I think that was the idea it doesn't really have any relation to the show itself but at the beginning when we started it You just said what the fuck a lot or what? No, it was just an idea for the concept and the concept never really stayed. But the guy who made this, a fan made this for me. I like it. Can I have it?
Ew, never mind. Okay. I don't want it. I saw you lick the blood off of your hand and I was wondering why boomers do that. Boomers do that? My dad does it too. What do you do when there's blood on your hand? Not lick it off, Mark. Why not? That's disgusting. Is it? What do you mean? It's your blood. I guarantee. It's not like if you got nicked by a cat, I'd be like, let me just have some of that. I didn't think you would do that. Does anybody else in here lick their blood?
Ew, what the fuck is wrong with these people? Mark, I'm around a bunch of weirdos. Did you ever at any point in your life... Lick my own blood? No, like eat your boogers? No, Mark. Are you sure? Just be honest with the people. Why you do that? No, I don't. I wouldn't be surprised because you lick your own blood. I never understood what they're eating. I've watched people do that from their cars. It's like they're not even...
They just, it's like, it's just not second nature. They're just like, do it. And I'm like, what? Who would ever do that? I don't know. That's disgusting. I don't get why parents would allow somebody to grow up that way. But it seems to stick. I think that might be the worst thing. But like when you're a kid, you're like the booger eater kid.
It's always like, that kid eats his boogers. Yeah. And then it stays with them their whole life. They're committed to it that much that as a grown person, they're just in their car, like, meeting their boogers. Actually. I had a girlfriend who did it. Shut the fuck. Why do you date so many weird people? You said twice now I've had a girlfriend that's something weird. 109 cats.
Yeah, and now one eats. But I asked her, I said, why is that still happening? Why'd you date her and you saw her do this? She's so beautiful. There's something really kind of like powerful about a stunning person. Just kind of casually eating a booger when she thinks no one's watching her. I was like, wow. What'd she say? That's a whole person. What'd she say when you? When I called her on it? I don't know that I actually ever did. I was sort of like, maybe I shouldn't.
date her because that's disgusting or no why'd you break up well she broke up with me but that's all right you let someone who eats their boogers break up with you i don't think i framed it like that but it's helpful you should like i think i should Yeah, I think that's a better way to look at that horrible moment in my life is that I let someone who laid her own boogers break up with me. Why should I be upset? I got lucky. That's the lowest of things in the world. Booger eating?
Like letting someone who eats their own boogers break up with you. You got to go back, date her and break up with her just to just make sure you even. No, so you broke up with the booger eater. You let her break up with you. I did. I didn't have a lot of choice in that situation. Usually when somebody wants to break up with you. You feel that conversation coming and then you jump in and you say, you fucking eat your boogers, weirdo. I'm...
Breaking up with you. That could have ended like that. Yeah, but I loved her. Do you still love her? No, it's been a long time. How long? It's been like... It's been like... 20, it's been like 18 years probably. Do you think she could possibly watch this? What is the chance that she watches this? I don't know. Imagine this is how she found out that you knew.
Yeah, but I'm not naming her. No, I know, but she's going to know. Because she is the person who eats her boogers. She's going to watch this and be like, there's no fucking way he saw me do that. This is good. This is good for you. Yeah, maybe she'll reach out. She'll reach out. No, she won't. She's going to go hide for the rest of her life, change her name, dye her hair. That's what she should do. I think she'll be all right.
Or she shouldn't be. But don't you do things where people are like... Oh my god, have I drank yours? I hope so. I just almost reached for it and now I'm wondering. Oof. I already drank it. Should we advertise for the cats? Santador, this is a... a cat rescue adoption place. Yeah. And they, they are allowed to live. It's like, it's part of this sort of no kill sort of situation. That's why there's 16 year old.
Yeah. They just kind of hang out. It's very nice. Do people put down cats the same way they put down? That's right. They're animals. Do people put down cats the same way that they put down dogs? The same way? Yeah, like kill them when a dog... as bad yes they do that to cats not when they're bad necessarily but when the thing about when you have a pet it's going to live longer than it would if it wasn't a pet so when they get sick
You can make a choice. I'm not talking about when they're sick. I'm saying when a dog bites, people put them down. Do they do that for cats? No, not that I know of. They live, so they just keep them in shelters for their whole existence. Well, they hope that people kind of like come get them, but like, yeah, they do all right. Got to put up with a lot of other cats. Yeah, my little cross-eyed one doesn't like the other cats.
Yeah, like some of them, you're not even supposed to let out. What do you mean? It says on the cage, don't let me out. You ever dealt with a feral cat? It's crazy. My first, not butch, but the cats I had after that. I didn't know they were feral. It was crazy. Crazy. Like when I was living in New York. What does a feral cat do?
Feral cats, if they're kittens in the wild and they've already started eating on their own, hunting their food, they're wild animals. They're not like, come here. They're like wild animals. So my first batch of cats in Queens when I was living in New York, there was a bunch of cats. A mother had had cats in the alley, and there was like five of them. And I thought, well, that would be fun to have cats. So I trapped them.
in a shoe box with cat food. I trapped three of them and I brought them into my apartment and they were feral and it was fucking crazy. They were just like, one wedged itself behind the stove. One got stuck on a glue trap that I had for like mice. One was like, you know, it was like, it was nuts. What'd you do to them? I couldn't get them out of the house then.
But I thought they'd get better. So I just went to sleep, you know, with them in the house. They destroyed an entire couch. Three kittens. Did you put them down? Nope. I kept them. I had someone, you know. Forever? Yes. I kept two of them until I had to put them down. Someone adopted it. I had to put them down. They had kidney failure and they were 16 years old. It was just sad. It's terrible. Putting a cat down.
Being that guy that has to walk away from the vet with the empty cage, the worst. I've done that with dogs. So sad. Yeah. The empty cage thing. When you put your dog down, were you in the room? Did you do the whole thing? I'm like, what's he doing? He's cleaning himself. Don't you do that? He looks like he's about to swipe out of our faces. No, he's not. Why is his foot in the air? Because he's licking something. They're not like dogs, though.
I bet she's not licking his balls. Yeah, he's licking his leg. Right, buddy? He's embarrassed. No, he's not. Oh, my God. I don't think he likes that, Mark. He's looking at you like, try me again. Pretty intense. That was pretty intense. Do you see his face? I don't like him. Well, if you guys want to come adopt a cat. Yes, what's a Santa door, right?
What did you say it's called? Santador? Yeah, Santador. S-A-N-T-E-D apostrophe O-R. They have a lot of cats down here. Some of them have been here for 16 years. My girlfriend likes old cats. You have a current girlfriend. She might be mad that you're in love with me.
I said kind of in love with you in a social way. I don't know why you're hanging on to it. Why is it so important to you? I just had to throw that out there one last time. Well, I thought it was a nice thing to say. Now I'm regretting it. And the love is fading. It's fading fast. That's okay. As long as it was there, then I can reignite the spark. She wants to open up a shelter for like old cats. Just old cats? Yeah.
Because sometimes people don't want their old cats anymore, and she likes them. That's like an old people home. Exactly. She wants to open up an old people home for cats. Okay. See what happens. To me, it sounds very sad. That's true because you're just going to deal with them all dying. I'm old. Cats are old. Is your girlfriend old too? No. She's like younger. How much younger? 36. She's going to be 36. Oh my God. What?
What's the age gap? Can you do math? No, or I wouldn't have asked, what's the age gap? It's substantial. What is it? How you're 60? 61. And she's 36. We're grown-ups. What are you judging for? Let me just look it up. Look what up? Page card. You're going to do math on your phone? 61 minus, what'd you say? 36. That's my whole life, almost. That's crazy. Is it? What do you guys relate to about? Cats? Sure, cats is one. I guess once you're 30.
You're pretty old, so then start a game to date, whatever age. Yeah. Look, I tell her all the time I'm going to be, you know, like, really old soon. Do you think she'll stick around? I don't know. I think if I'm a good guy, I'll just be like, you can go if you want. I saved some money. But you want her to say no, right? You want her to stay forever. Well, I want her to be happy. So we'll see. I hope she doesn't leave you. Right when I get old? Boy. That would be sad.
She already is dating you and you are old. I didn't, it wasn't like I asked, I wasn't looking for a younger person. Where'd you find her? It was during the pandemic. Oh, you guys have been together forever. We were both going through some rough times. And, you know, she emailed me and she sounded like a nice person. She emailed you. Yeah.
Yeah, she knew who I was, unlike you. She emailed you. Yeah. She has an old soul. Well, she didn't have my number. She emailed me through the website. She could have DM'd you. That's true. She could have. Yeah. But it's okay. It's going good. I'm glad it's working out for you. I need someone to take care of me, you know, when I'm done. Yeah. I'm sorry.
It'll be okay. She's just going to take care of you and her cats. Yeah. Someone's got to do all that stuff. Let's not make it sad. It is sad. It's the natural course of life. I know. It's just sad that your life is... Is like that? Is coming to an end. I know.
Anybody's could, though. I know. That's sad, too. But... But you're getting old. No. Yeah. I know. I'm almost 30. I know. Don't you start to worry about, like, your... Oh, yeah, no. I was looking in the mirror, and I saw a wrinkle the other day. Yeah. And I was like, fuck. Are you going to Botox and stuff? So I used to get Botox and people made fun of me for it. So now I'm like... What did you get Botox? My forehead. Your forehead? So you look like a doll? No, so I'm like, what did...
So I couldn't move it. And then I'm right here. Yeah. I can't do that. Yeah. I'm getting wrinkles right here. So it just screws with your whole ability to make facial expressions? You can't move your face. That's scary. At all. But then people make fun of you. But then I know they're going to make fun of me when they see wrinkles.
Yeah, but, like, it's interesting because, you know, you don't really express much without the Botox. You have, like, two faces. You have that one, and then, like, that one. Like, mild, like... And then kind of like, I'm not laughing at that. OK, Mark, it was so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Still don't know what your last name is, but I never introduced you. Welcome to the really good podcast. I'm here with Mark Maron.
Marc Maron, guys. You heard it here first. Today we are at a cat shelter. Not a shelter. Chanted door. But it's not a shelter. And you guys can come here. And adopt cats. And there's just like a hundred. There's a lot of cats here. At least 100 of you can get a cat if you look now. Oh, man. So is this done? It's done. You can leave. Do you live close? Yeah, close enough. All right, go walk home. Thank you. You're welcome. Enjoy your life. Yeah, you too. What's left of it. Okay, good.
It has to end awkward first. It is awkward. No more. More awkward? We're not going to tell you what it ends. We're just going to start leaving. Enjoy. My God, why did I do this? I thought it would be, I don't know. What did you think it would be? Because I feel like this is exactly what it is. I thought it would be kind of like this, but I thought at some point you'd become a person.
Okay, well. Didn't happen. I don't like you, so. Well, believe me, I don't like you now either. Good. I'm glad we're on the same page. Me too. At least we can adopt cats and live happily ever after. I'm going to throw a cat on you. That's actually the most fucked up thing anybody could ever do. You're trying to kill me because I'm allergic to them. That's why you're getting cancer. Now you got it. Am I supposed to walk away? Or what?
I told you this is just whatever happens. Oh my God. You guys deal with this all the time? This is your job? Your job is to follow around this monster while she tries to make people uncomfortable. Mark, you should adopt one of them. This episode of The Really Good Podcast is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah!
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