53. An Introvert's Journey to Genuine Connections with Petros Eshetu

Discover what's fun , unique and powerful about being an introvert , and how to make the elegant transition from quiet achiever to quiet warrior in your life and work anytime you want , in more ways than you imagined possible . Welcome , hey , everyone , welcome to the Quiet Warrior podcast , and today I have another exciting speaker for you .

I've been looking at his bio and I still chuckle when I tell you what he does for work and what he does when he's not working . So welcome today to Petros Ishetu . Thank you for joining us here .

Struggle of how do I show up , how do I be true to myself , how do I be honest about what I really think and how I feel when there is an expectation to act in a certain way . So can you talk us through that ? You know , how did you make that connection for yourself ?

You know , there was no formula that was given to me . It's like it just took a lot of like peeling an onion , like just taking layers , of layers and just getting to that root self . But one of the things I've learned is like , in order for me to be authentic to myself but to others , is actually to be vulnerable .

And now it's okay , I think vulnerability is accepted . But when I had arrived in the U S back 2005 , like you know , I did not know what that meant and it was not something you just openly shared . But then now the question is like well , how do I be vulnerable ?

And so now that's where you have to go to yourself and know that you're not perfect , or how to be , to accept yourself and your imperfections and all of your imperfections .

And I think that requires a lot of deep work to know that you're going to mess up , and sometimes there's going to be times where it's going to be awkward or sometimes , like I used to have a lot of social anxiety and panic attacks .

That back in 2005 , when I came to the US , I didn't know what that was , I didn't even know I was experiencing that until years later that it started to come to me like , oh , I didn't realize how much stress I was putting myself unnecessarily to please others and just to look perfect and , of course , when I was uncomfortable , everybody around me was

uncomfortable . So I would say first you need to be comfortable in your own skin . Once you become comfortable in your own skin , believe me , when you go anywhere , it's almost you give people permission to be comfortable in their own skin once they start interacting with you .

It's not necessarily the first words , it's just the way you carry yourself and , seeing that you're comfortable , people will respond to that and that's how you can start to have authentic connections .

But then you also mentioned that there was that need to be perfect and a need to please others . Now I wonder where this need to be perfect and to please others comes from .

But it comes to a point where sometimes you might serve others and maybe you don't and you start having resentment . Or it's all about now trying to have a , an image or something to keep up , and my family was not like that . But sometimes when you pick up things as a child and then when I grew up , it was just how do I show this ?

I'm wearing like a disguise , like that person that I'm showing out there is not really me . Is this something that I developed , maybe more of a protection to hide through my real self and like ? It's very vulnerable to show like how you really are or how you feel or how you think .

It requires a lot of courage , knowing that some people might not like it and some people might attack you for it .

And so , like you said , it takes a process to start to be comfortable on like , actually showing like your actual thoughts and not just saying something or trying to please someone just that you want to fit in a group when you know what that group is , probably not even for you , but you just feel like you need to fit into everybody's group I like what you

said about culture and I think I can relate to that .

You have to be so careful about what you say because it reflects not only on you personally , it reflects on your family's honour , and you might not even know until you say the wrong thing and then get in trouble with the elders and it gets reflected back to you . And so you know next time I won't say things like that that make my family look bad .

And you also make sure that you are careful what you say to other people , because if you make them lose face , they're going to be embarrassed , they're going to be ashamed , they're not going to like you , they're going to look at you poorly , as though you've been raised badly . You know your upbringing must be terrible .

Nobody supervised you when you were young and nobody taught you any better , and so then that again reflects badly on your family . So there were so many considerations I remember Unconsciously , as you say , you don't realize it at the time as a child .

You just imitate what's going on around you and then you pick up things unconsciously , just by observation how are the adults talking to other people , what's the repercussions ? And then you pick up all these things and you model them . You repeat these patterns as an adult .

things . And sometimes there's some good things about my culture and I realized there's some bad things about it that I don't like . And so as I grew up , I got to , in a way , pick like well , I like this about my culture and I like this about this new culture , which for me was the US coming there and for you might be Australia .

Like , you just pick up these things and then you start forming your own beliefs and you don't have to fall with the beliefs that you might have picked up , maybe for good reason , at that point , but then sometimes you have to start questioning it and so , yeah , it's very important .

We might not like that group , but we feel that we have to fit in with them because maybe they give us some kind of protection from you know even bigger enemies out there , and so we try so hard to squeeze ourselves into somebody else's mold , not knowing that those rules can be rewritten and that we can find our own group , our own tribe , our own people that

we are actually really comfortable with and we don't have to pretend to be someone that we're not .

You know , there was one job I had where I was speaking to so many different groups and I was wearing a different mask for each person and it's just exhausting until you just get stressed and you just realize that first of all , you can't please everyone and also nobody really knows you because you haven't really been honest or upfront about who you are , your

thoughts , your feelings . Maybe you don't like working a certain way , or maybe it's okay you don't like a certain person . You don't need to tell them that , but it's okay . There's no guilt in feeling that Some people you get along , some people you don't .

Sometimes you have strengths that others don't , and so when you start comparing yourself to others , when you start to get to know yourself like I love personality tests , I love knowing that you know that time I didn't know what introvert was when I came to the US .

So as I learned more about it , my confidence in myself and acceptance of myself slowly started developing when I realized , hey , I am a highly sensitive person . When I started learning about that area , I started building confidence in myself . That doesn't mean that I can't grow or that I can't go , network or socialize or speak .

I don't use that as a way to hone me into that identity , but it allows me to accept myself and know that I'm imperfect or that I'm not like other people and that's fine .

And so I think getting to know yourself and really study yourself I think will allow you to start breaking those barriers and that wall that you've developed to not allow people to come in . That'll start coming down and then you start realizing that you know all of us are imperfect but we can still show up every day .

Getting curious , but without the judgment . I think perhaps the judgment is the part that holds us back , because the fear of judgment means I will not take risks . I will not go out on a limb and try something different , say something different , experiment .

The next time I meet a different person , a new person , I won't practice being a different version because I'm afraid it will backfire . I'm afraid of how that person might take it . They might take it personally , they might take it the wrong way , there might be a miscommunication , and so if I'm too afraid of taking risks and trying new things , I will not .

I will simply hold back and do what is safe . And it comes back to safety . Isn't it the need to feel safe wherever I go , that it's safe for me to show up ? It's safe for me to be myself , it's safe for me to say things in my own way , which could be unique and not like anybody else ?

I think having that community is important , but I'm not sure for you , but for

me . When I came to the U S uh , my family didn't come with me . I went to start college there and I went to a small town in Wisconsin and in a small city , and so now , from having that community and that network , I was now by myself and that brought a lot of anxiety , a lot of fear , because I didn't have any place to fall back into .

And so I think having community wherever you are , if your family's not around which for a lot of international students that travel having that community is important because you know , if the world sometimes you don't feel you're understood , at least there's a place where people can lift you up , where they can love you and they know who you are and they can and

they accept you , and I think that's so important to have that safety net , as you said .

That could be language barriers , that could be just a whole different way of communication and all these internal rules that nobody tells you about until you've lived there for a certain period of time , and then you start to think like a local or speak like a native speaker , and those are things we can't really prepare ourselves for .

We just have to almost go with the flow , allow it to happen , allow ourselves to learn and to make the mistakes and to pick ourselves up .

But it's so important , like you said , if family is not there , then certainly you want community , and if you can't find the community , then perhaps you have to create the community yourself by going out and meeting people , connecting people authentically , as you say .

But we're made to be commune with other people and that's the one big thing . There was one big challenge when I arrived was that for the first two years it was a big struggle .

I had friends but I didn't feel like I was really connecting with them , and so the first two years was a big struggle until I had to make the choice where you know what I'm going to have to go out there . It's not going to change unless I change .

And when I started going out , I actually started meeting international students , realizing that they were going through the same experiences I was going through .

And when you start making those connections , then you start building those bonds and then that's when I'd say that's when I really started enjoying the country and the culture , but knowing that there's a safety net , knowing that others are going through the same thing , they're away from their families and they also want a bonding . So definitely , community is huge .

The studying was good , but I was also avoiding a lot of activities that I can do with students , and every time I didn't want to really socialize and so I'll be in my room because I was always getting again social anxiety and panic attacks that the only safest place was my room where I could just let go and be myself .

Um , but one of the things I started doing is started joining different organizations , or you know , if a friend invites me to go somewhere , that I actually just actually say yes .

So trying to say yes more was very helpful and just the idea that , oh , you know , it's going to be a lot of people or it's going to , you know , I might not like it At this point . I just learned to start saying yes to things and maybe no to others as well .

I think that was a key Once I had that group of five , six friends , that we do things together . It allowed me to feel safe and allowed me to go out there .

But you have to initiate and you have to know too , that any friend you have right now , or best friend , they were once strangers at one point , before you got to be friends and know them and just know that there might be another person , stranger , who could be your best friend for life and if you think about it when you go out , you might have a better

opportunity to connect with the right people .

And for them to step out of the house , you know , get on the tram , get on the train , come to an event where they don't know anybody except that they know the rest are introverts , that already is a huge step for them to actually actually show up .

So for you , I think that took a lot of courage and a lot of almost like an adventurous spirit and an openness and a curiosity to change the way that you had been functioning and then open yourself up to this whole new life , new culture , new friendships , and really make the most of all the opportunities that you had yes , no again , it was a journey .

If you take the tram and maybe you miss the one tram and you're gonna be late five minutes , uh , it's not worth it . That was a sign or it's just , oh , I don't know anybody who's going there .

There are many reasons that you can easily just have an excuse and nobody's going to keep you accountable for that , and so that's why you have to be intentional and you have to put yourself out there . You have to , and even if it's sometimes it's going to be embarrassing , but just know like , and so that's for getting to know yourself .

But also going out , going out there and talking with people , you will also get to know yourself .

noticing I think what you said was getting to know yourself that by putting yourself out there , you get to know yourself , and that is so true .

I have noticed that when I actually attend networking events or have conversations with people afterwards I reflect on it , because that's what introverts do we're constantly reflecting , and that's how we learn and we notice . Oh , that person said this and I replied that way , and how I replied was different from how I normally would , and I wonder why that is .

And then you notice all these little ways , very subtle ways , in which you are changing and as you said earlier on that it's a journey . We don't change overnight . We're still introverts .

They love talking to introverts because we're good listeners and they're good talkers , but it's good when we also share a little bit .

But , um , but yeah , and somebody might say something you never thought , like man , you're a very good listener , or wow , that was so insightful , like they will give you compliments and also , be mindful , be aware of that , write it down , because those are things that you don't tell yourself or maybe you don't realize , and only other people can sometimes tell you

things that you take for granted . So , yeah , being with other people is really helpful and yeah , You're

so right .

But to somebody else , for instance a talker , who needs someone to listen to them much more , and we offer that up so easily and so effortlessly to them that it's a gift , and we don't realize it's a gift until somebody gives us that feedback .

And so you are right to also notice the compliment , to write it down , because those are things we don't say to ourselves .

And so when somebody actually says that to us , let's take it in the spirit in which it was given , you know , with the goodwill that it was given , and integrate that , accept that that becomes part of our identity , that becomes part of who we are .

That's how other people see us and that completes the picture , because otherwise then it's just us in our own heads , thinking things about ourselves and forgetting how other people are actually perceiving us . So that's really important what you said . Now I'm curious by day . You're a financial analyst . You crunch numbers . Numbers are your world . You love spreadsheets .

Tell me what it is that you do outside of work .

Something's blocking them , and it could be a small thing , it could be a big thing , it could be a mentorship , and a lot of times they get stuck , and that stuck , let's say , for a few days , a few weeks , a few months . Next thing you know they give up on their book idea . Weeks , a few months . Next thing you know they give up on their book idea .

And so one of the things I'm good at is just listening to people and hearing and catching what is it that they're telling themselves , and then addressing it and slowly but surely , once they start removing those blocks , which is all their work , I'm just again , I'm an introvert . I'm good at listening .

I'm just good at just reflecting back something that maybe they haven't heard , and a lot of the times that's how the book actually starts to develop . But it's about getting getting aware of what's stopping you , and it could be I'm not good enough . Or you know , maybe your English teachers in your head saying you're always making mistakes .

You know it could be I'm not good enough . Or you know , maybe your English teacher is in your head saying you're always making mistakes . You know it could be so many things that you don't even realize Again . It's one of those beliefs . We have cultural beliefs . We also have writing beliefs , and those are the things that I help new authors work on .

Of course it's fraught with ups and downs , stories up about how you need to be perfect , or how you're not good enough yet , or who's going to listen to your message , and so on and so on . The book will never get born . So I think that's what you're doing . It's wonderful .

You're encouraging them , you're helping them get unblocked , you're helping them really give birth more smoothly to that final product . Because , who knows , somebody could get touched by something that they read in that book . And we never know these things . It could be years later .

It seems very random , but I always believe that there is divine timing to these things . So when you put something like that with intention and love and compassion out into the world , somebody who needs to see it at the right time will see it .

But that also requires you getting to know yourself , because to for me even as an introvert , to put I remember my first book to put it out there was very difficult , because people are going to know how I think , they're actually going to know how I feel about certain things .

Maybe certain family members , certain people like people , are not going to know , and it's the book really puts you in a vulnerable state . Um , people might attack you that you suck at writing or that's not true what you wrote .

There's so many things that can happen and so that's where it's good to have , if you don't have a community , have a book coach who can be there and be that , be that support . And because I've been there , I know how difficult it is and some people don't want to share their story and I like that .

But I know that my story , if I can't speak it , I know it's going to help somebody when they read it , and a lot of books I've read I'm so grateful that they've written it , like Susan Cain when she wrote the Quiet Book that just opened my eyes and just feel comfortable myself . So I'm glad she had the courage to do that .

And so who am I to hold back and who are other people to hold their story ? And that's why it's so important for my work to help people share their story , even if it's difficult . But they have to also work on themselves , because the book is going to reveal themselves .

Who am I to hold back is an excellent question , an excellent antidote to that overthinking . Now you've written a number of best-selling books on Amazon and I want to ask you particularly about the introverted immigrant's journey . Tell us more about that .

It's just like I knew how to get along . I knew people , I knew the country . It was so easy . But when I came to the US , it was more of an extroverted world , it was more of individualistic , which is different than how I grew up . And here I am .

Not only am I an introvert , but I'm experiencing a new culture , a new way of how things are , and so there was a lot of things that you know I was not prepared , like how to go out there and sell myself , go for job interviews or go for , you know if , a scholarship that you want to get , like to actually go and sell yourself and not focus on , like we

did it , but focus on . Here's what I did and just putting the spotlight on me , and that was something I was not used to and very uncomfortable , and so those are some of the challenges in also like giving presentations and , and that in general is going to come as you grow .

But coming to the us and justrovert the world was a very challenge , and the problem was that there was not a lot of resources at that time of what introvert was , and so I would almost try and copy the extroverts , which is very stressful because I know that was not me , but I didn't have another model in which to follow , and so that made it difficult and

that was one of the reasons of writing this book is just to share how it felt to come to a whole extroverted world and being an introvert shared particularly for international students finding their feet in a new country .

How do we show up and be comfortable in our own skin , accepting ourselves , accepting our imperfections ? How do we connect authentically with people , using our unique strengths , our ability to listen , to reflect , to mirror back , to get curious , to not be judgmental and taking it all as a journey .

That it's not something magical that happens , that transforms overnight , but it's something we work towards every day , showing up as the best version of ourselves .

So I really appreciate you for this and I encourage all listeners to this episode to check out the show notes for Petros' book the Introverted Immigrant's Journey and also have a look at his work If you have a book that you are thinking of or you're struggling to give birth to because of all the stories you're telling yourself .

Do reach out to Petros so that he can guide you and , as a narrative whisperer , he can tease the story out of you and help you unblock , so that you can feel more free-flowing , more authentic , more connected to the process of creating this book , this important message that you've got to share with the world , because someone out there needs to hear it .

So thank you very much , petros , for joining us today on the Quiet Warrior podcast . I appreciate you .

Thank you for sharing your time and your energy with me . See you on the next episode .