Feeling Like You Just Don't Got This?

I've been feeling like there were a lot of responsibilities as falling behind on and tremendous fear and anxiety and pressure about the future , and so that's what led me to really have this realization that this is something I really want to share on the podcast and share my takeaways from my own experience with you and share the tools that I know from my training

as a coach and in psychology and therapy practices that can really help you work through this stress . So I want to start by talking with you about my personal story and personal story , and then we're going to look at dependency and codependency and independency and when you may or may not have heard of before and that's interdependency .

So first , a little bit about my own background . I believe I've shared it before , but hey , some of you are in it , new here . I want you to know that accepting help has always been really , really hard for me . I have always preferred self help resources over actually like opening up and admitting when I feel helpless .

If you've heard me share anything about my suicide attempt before , then you know that I was actively in therapy for several years leading up to my attempt and in therapy afterwards . And it wasn't until afterwards that I actually started opening up and being radically honest with my therapist About how I was feeling .

Until that point I was kind of showing up and just help , hoping and expecting that she would just fix me and that I didn't really have to be quite an active part in the healing process . Also because I think I didn't really , just , really just didn't trust others to help me . I didn't feel like that was their role .

I felt like my role in life and this still shows up for me today which is we'll get to that . But I frequently feel like in life it's my role to be there to support and help others , but it's not anyone else's role to be there and support me .

And so for both of those reasons I found it really difficult to open up and be honest and share with my therapist . It was like , hey , you can fix me , but also like you can't , because I'm not going to let you have any information , because I don't feel like you're actually supposed to help me .

I need to be able to help myself , and so I was not willing to allow her to help me I also this is another kind of funny realization that I had just within the last few weeks I create a playlist every year for , like , you know , the year , and it's like titled something along the lines of the year , like 2021 , 2022 , 2023 .

And then whatever the theme of the year is for me and this year's theme was , I've got this and the irony is I didn't realize until within the last few weeks that that was just another way of me again kind of avoiding being helped or allowing people to support me . 2023 . I've got this .

No , I'm actually changing and I'm going to do it actually with you on the I almost said on the call , we're not on a call on the podcast , right now , I am changing the name of that podcast . Or on girl , I can't even speak . I'm changing the name of this playlist right now from 2023 . I've got this to 2023 . We've got this .

And that , right there , my friend , is the theme of this episode today . Boom , done , I just changed it on my phone . The experience that I had recently that really brought this issue back to the forefront Was I .

My boyfriend and I threw a party a couple weekends ago and I had an Anxiety attack , not a panic attack , and the two are different in that with a panic attack , you often feel like you're dying . That's the short version of it .

With a Anxiety attack , you often feel tremendous physical symptoms of anxiety in your body and so , obviously , that's also a very simplified version . If you want to know more about the difference between the two , feel free to Google it , but for today's purposes , that's perfect .

Okay , so Anxiety attack I was having an anxiety attack at this party and I was experiencing a burning sensation in my chest and the roller coaster drop sensation in my stomach and it was fucking terrible and it wasn't just lasting a few minutes .

It was lasting in , coming and going in waves , but always being present for over three hours , and I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone and my brain went on this Wild journey , just imagining what if I just left everyone and everything behind . I moved to another country and I changed my name . It was like , wow , that's , it's pretty traumatic .

Girl , I Know that what I'm experiencing right now is temporary and I do genuinely enjoy my life , I enjoy my work , I enjoy my friends . I do not want to Run away and avoid everyone and everything , but it wasn't pretty fun fantasy in the moment . I'll tell you what like it did bring a little bit of relief , but ultimately it didn't really fix anything .

Here's what did fix it , though I Finally opened up and talked with someone and admitted that I did not feel like I've got this , and it was literally as simple as Talking with my boyfriend . I kind of pulled him aside and I was like , hey , I've been struggling and this isn't reason I've been struggling .

For months now I have been feeling all this pressure to keep it together and to fake it and , to you know , act as if I've got it together and like I'm going to and like I don't have fear or doubt . And the truth is I Don't feel like I've got this . I Don't feel like I can handle all this .

I feel very afraid and I Just needed to admit it to you and I need some help . And the funny thing was , before he even said anything at all , I just felt this huge sense of relief Because the secret was out .

It's kind of like when you come out where you've been holding this in , or some of you haven't come out yet , but you've got some relief to look forward to . Let me tell you what .

When you come out , many of you know that you feel this big sense of relief because the secret that you've been holding in that's crushing you , that you've been trying so hard to keep a secret . Whether or not you actually were successful doesn't really matter .

People may have figured it out , but unless you have admitted it , you live in constant fear of being found out . And when you do share it , there's instant relief , no matter how they react , even if it's horrible . At least you don't have to keep this thing anymore .

And that was the same sensation that I experienced immediately after just admitting to him I don't feel like I've got this . Then we had a conversation about how we can each support each other better .

It was nice for me I enjoy supporting people so it was nice for me to hear some ways that I could also support him more , and those were ways that are easy for me , that I can happily and easily jump into , and I admitted the things in which I don't feel like I've got it and the ways in which I would really appreciate having some help or assistance from

him , because these are things to really challenging for me and really difficult for me and cause a lot of stress and effort on my part , and they come easily and naturally to him . And that's it . That's how that conversation went . It wasn't a big deal .

I had built it up in my head like , oh , I have to run away and not have this conversation so wild how our brains can take us down those crazy exaggerated solutions , right ? So the lesson in that for me , and what I want to share with you today , is that while the message of I've got this is tempting , it is not stable .

If you believe and force yourself to act in every scenario as if I've got this on my own , I've got this , then that means that anything you're weak in , boom , instant , ko , you've got nothing to fall back on , and anything that you're strong at , great , you've got it .

It leaves a very small amount of scenarios , situations in life that you can navigate , because when you're doing it on your own , you don't have any backup , you don't have any stability . Think about a table with one leg . It's balanced if that , if that leg is like really thick , okay , and maybe you do think of yourself as as that thick leg .

That's got a lot . You have a lot together . You've got it in a lot of areas . So you've got like one big thick leg for that table . But it's still just one leg for the table and so , while it may be balanced for a while , if some shaking comes along , along comes an earthquake , along comes like a heavy object placed on the edge of the table .

The table can tip over . If you've got three legs to the table , for example , that's extremely stable . And so the same thing happens with us in life and our , our relationships , our connections I'm not just using relationships in a romantic way , I mean your friends , your coach , anyone who is there to support you and yourself .

All of all of these are different legs of support , and the more legs of support that you have , the more stable you can be . So lean into the concept not of I've got this , but of we've got this with your partners , your coach , your friends , your therapist , your family , whoever is there to support you .

There's such sweet relief in being honest and human and admitting that you don't feel like you've got this . You don't feel like you can handle the weight of the world on your own . The truth is , no one can and you don't need to . So

I want to explain a little bit around dependency versus codependency , versus independency versus interdependency Now , because these terms are really what we're talking about here when we are shifting from I've got this to we've got this . So a quick definition of dependency .

Dependency refers to a state in which one person or entity relies on another for support , resources or assistance . It often implies a one-sided , unbalanced relationship where one party is more reliant on the other . That's dependency , okay .

Codependency , on the other hand , is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where two individuals or two parties become overly emotionally reliant on each other . It often involves enabling or supporting destructive behaviors in one another . All right , so neither one of these is healthy . But there's some nuances here .

For example , dependency right , that's not like it's an evil thing . A child is dependent on their parents for food , shelter and care Okay , so a child being dependent on a parent is normal and good and healthy .

A person being reliant I'm sorry , not reliant being dependent on their romantic partner for just , let's say , their life purpose Okay , their partner is their only sense of purpose for their life . That's how I felt back in 2017 , pretty suicide attempt , not healthy .

Not healthy , because as soon as that person is no longer there , it's like sweeping that leg out from under the table . Now you simply fall over , All right . So we've got dependency . We've got codependency that unhealthy relationship where both parties are doing that kind of dependent thing in a way that enables and encourages unhealthy behavior patterns .

And then , on the other hand , the complete opposite side . We've got independence . Independence is a state where an individual can meet their own needs , make decisions and take care of themselves without relying at all on others , and it can also imply self-sufficiency in a positive way . Okay .

So independency , though often in our modern culture is the exaggerated form where you are totally independent from others . You are totally self-reliant and you don't have the ability to rely on others for support or care , and this is where interdependence comes in .

So if you haven't heard of interdependence before , quick definition of interdependence is it's a healthy and balanced form of relating to others . It involves mutual reliance and cooperation where individuals support each other while maintaining their own independence .

So , for example , in healthy romantic relationships , partners rely on each other emotionally for support and they also maintain their individual identities and their self-sufficiencies . They're not fully independent . I've got this and they're not fully dependent . You've got to take care of this for me , or codependent .

You've got to take care of this for me and I've got to take care of that for you , because you can't do it without me . Dependency and independency both are like the all or nothing black and white versions . Right ,

you're either all in with being too dependent or all out on your own being too independent . And so we want to really start leaning into that concept of interdependence where you have a healthy balance of relying on others and maintaining your own self-identity .

And so , going back to that mantra of we've got this , we is empowered , it's not alone , it's honest , it recognizes your limits and appreciates other strengths that make them good at being a support system for you . Partner at different times with different people for different purposes .

Lean into your friends , your family , your coach , your therapist , a stranger in the subway , a customer service agent , any human you interact with . Collaborate , be a support to others . Allow others to support you . Collaborating requires those steps of confidence . Interdependence is a confident practice . Remember the three steps .

One allow yourself to be uncomfortable , and for a lot of you , interdependence , collaborating with others . It is difficult , it's very uncomfortable , and so you're gonna have to stretch yourself and challenge yourself to lean into it . Take action , open up , have these conversations . When you don't feel like you've got this , let someone know .

Don't keep doing it on your own . Don't run away and change your name and quit everything like I wanted to in that moment of panic and fear , and finally have your own back . It's gonna feel uncomfortable , it's gonna feel weird , it's gonna feel different and the temptation is going to be to kind of beat yourself up about it .

Either beating yourself up about why didn't you collaborate with other people sooner and lean into this interdependent framework , or you're gonna be beating yourself up about it being wrong . Or you're too much , or you're too heavy or too much of a burden for other people . We've got to acknowledge those stories in your head .

Send them a hug , a kiss , a love note . Let them know we appreciate them . They are here for a reason . They are here because of your past experiences . But you no longer need to live that way . You are now open to being supported by others and going through this life more collaboratively . We've got this unicorn . See you next Tuesday .