Ep 209: How to Rewrite the Narrative of Past Negative Experiences (and Why it Matters)

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how . Hello friends , I hope you had an amazing week . This week's episode is an interesting one .

By the time we get to mid-career or mid-life , there's a lot of things that have happened in our life , many of which we wish we could erase or not have experienced , and a lot of times we think that that's just baggage that we have to either carry with us and push down or try to forget about or whatever .

But we don't really think about the fact that maybe we could just reposition it , as we would say in marketing , or , as we say in this episode , rewrite it .

Rewrite the narrative of our past experiences , meaning , what are we making it mean about our life , what are we making it mean about ourselves and maybe even more importantly , what are we making it mean about our future possibilities ?

So this episode shares some thought leadership from some leaders in psychology who have done a lot of research on it and are talking about how to restructure the narrative of your past , which I think is super interesting as we head into the end of this year and the start of yet another year , so enjoy this episode on how to rewrite the narrative of your past .

Episode on how to rewrite the narrative of your past . Today , I want to talk about how you can rewrite your past narrative .

Now , this is important stuff and maybe a little unusual , coming from a life coach , because usually what we do is we take people from where they are right now and focus them forward on where they want to go and , being very intentional and purposeful about that . We have all kinds of tools to help them do that .

But I do want to talk about the past today because it's really important . The past and our view of the past can do a number on us without us even realizing it . A lot of us think that the things that happened in our life are just true , that they're just facts and they are true about us and there's nothing that we can do to change them .

But I want to talk about today through a different lens , and I'm going to start with a quote from a famous author . He's an American writer named William Faulkner . If you've read him , his quote is the past is never dead , it's not even past . So that's interesting , right , and you might disagree . You might be like , wait a minute .

Yes , it is , because as humans , we all experience life in a linear fashion , like whatever age you are let's say you're 50 , you have 50 years behind you and you think , well , I've got all these things that happened in my past , and so you might disagree with William Faulkner and say it is in my past .

Here's where I want to challenge that perspective , and it's going to be through the lens of a scholar and researcher named Dr Dan McAdams , who has come up with something called the theory of narrative identity , and what he says is that our identity as a person is actually informed by a combination of our past , our present and our future .

So , specifically , what he teaches is a way to do that through the lens of not just a past , but a reconstructed past , and not just a present , but a very intentionally perceived present , and not just a future that happens at random , but a purposeful , imagined and created future .

So the lens that we want to put on this today is if in your mind , your past , your present and your future are all still very much alive .

So if people were to tell you , oh , I had these four traumatic things that happened in my career right In my past , and someone might just say , just forget about it , leave it all in your past , I would tell you it's not possible , because those experiences were stored away and all of the thoughts and feelings and emotions you have about those experiences are

still stored away and they show up every day and become part of the lens through which you look at your life , the past , the present and the future in Dr Dan McAdams' theory which I think is fascinating is that they're all existing together . The past , present and future are not separate and they're not linear .

They are all holistic , they're together , they're integrated and they're actually co-occurring . One is informing another , so it's all very quantum right . It's like we can't just leave the past behind .

Therefore , when you're thinking about what you want in your life , or if you're in a place in your life today where you're not entirely thrilled with it , part of what's shaping that perspective is the perspective you have on some of the key things from your past . So we all have a mix of experiences in our past .

We have positive things that happened , and I would argue that if you have really happy associations with something , you don't really need to go back and reconstruct that or even really examine it , because you're carrying with you positive things from that experience .

I would say , though , if you already have positive things from an experience , if you wanted to go back and examine it through the lens that I'm going to take you with on this call , you could probably find even more things to be positive and happy about .

So it's not that there's no value in looking at the good things that happen in our past , because I do think you could always find more to be grateful about , more to learn from right , if you're really looking to do that .

But today , in this episode , I do want you to look at your past , and I want you to think of one thing that bothers you the most , and it could be in any area of your life that you want to focus on .

It could be about relationships , it could be about some aspect of your career , or it could be about the business that you own , whatever you want , or your financial health , or whatever it is , your physical health , whatever Pick , the one thing that occurred has to be a happening , so it has to be something that occurred , because we're going to try to look at

it as you do now , and we're going to look at it later , in the episode of how you might choose to reframe it or reconstruct it . So you might wonder , though , what's the value of that , or you might even be questioning how could I even do that ? Because most of us look at the things that happen in our life as just a fact .

Just is what it is right , it just occurred , and it meant these things . And now here I am right , so I can't change that you might be thinking , but the truth of the matter is you can .

There is a very big difference between the facts of what happened and the meaning you assigned to those facts , and in our mind because most of us aren't very purposeful about it those things are combined .

They're in a big ball of confusion , right , and we take the thing that happened and we assign all of this description to it , and some of it very few things about it are facts , and most of the rest of it is just the things we've decided to make that thing mean about us , about someone else , about the world , about our future , all of it .

And the truth is , if you go back and you look at the thing that's bothering you , that I asked you to think about , and we choose to reconstruct it in a different way , the value of that is that when you change the meaning of that narrative of the thing from your past , you simultaneously also change the narrative of your present and your future .

Dan McAdam says it's all happening at the same time . So those things that happened to you in the past that you're carrying with you today , they all exist together and they're informing you how you look at the world today , and they inform your view of the future .

So the value of going back to reframe is that you then start to inform your present and your future in a different way , in a more constructive and valuable way .

So the part about your past , though , that you can't change is you cannot change the facts of a thing . Let's just pretend that you picked a layoff right . You can't change the fact that you were laid off . You were laid off One day you had a job and the next day you didn't . You were laid off right . It wasn't your choice that happened .

But you can change the story you're telling yourself about that thing . This is the worst thing that ever happened to me . My boss always had it in for me . This place is a toxic cesspool . I hate those people . This isn't fair .

Whatever is coming up for you when you think about the thing , all of the rest of it other than just I was laid off from my job all the rest of it is story , and it's that story part that's actually causing you the problem . And most of us aren't proactively managing that story right . It just happens by default . So something happened .

We , unbeknownst to us , made it mean . All these things , we actually think all those things are true , even though they're not all facts and they're not all true . Most of it's just perception . They shape how you look at yourself and how you look at the world .

It's a story and you have to look at and deconstruct the story so you get clear on whether the story of that thing is serving you . And I would say , if it's something you look at through negative light , it's not serving you . Right , and do you like the story and is it getting in your way ? So that's what we want to do .

So I want to get into the exercise I want to lead you through . So what I'd like you to do is take out a pen and paper and I'd like you to pick one thing . So many of us have lots of things in our past about what we'd like to change or that we wish hadn't happened , or that we think about in a negative light . But just pick one .

It can be in any area , and I want you to write it at the top of the page . Okay , next , what I want you to do is I want you to do a thought download on that thing . So , at the top of the page , I just want you to write down what happened and try to make it as fact-based as possible Got laid off from job , got a divorce , whatever it is like .

Just write that . Don't make it this big long paragraph . Put one sentence or a phrase and just try to get to the facts of the matter . And then , when you look at the facts at the top of the page , I want you to do a thought download .

And how you do that is you look at the thing that you wrote down , the fact of the thing , and I want you to write everything that comes up for you when you look at that , every random thought , and I want you to do one sentence per line only . I don't want you to write in a big ongoing paragraph , and the reason why I'll tell you in a minute .

So I want you to look at the thing , do a thought , download one sentence per line , and I want you to keep going until you run out of things to say . And then I want you to prompt yourself . Is there anything else ? What else could I do ? I think about this , try to think about it like wringing all the water from a dishcloth .

You're trying to get every thought in your mind , everything that's part of that story , and putting it down on paper so you can see it . There's a lot of power in that .

So the next thing I want you to do is I want you to look at the thing that you wrote down the fact or whatever at the top , and then I want you to look at all of the sentences , and I want you to . When you're looking at the sentences , I want you to be clear and circle , maybe in a different color pen . What is our highlighter ? What is a fact ?

What could you get a jury of 12 people random strangers in a courtroom to agree , is a fact . If we go to the example of a layoff , probably the only fact is something that would be I no longer have my job or I got laid off . That's a fact , right ? Everything else ? This is really unfair . My boss has always hated me .

Everything else this is really unfair . My boss has always hated me . I'll never find another good job . How am I going to pay my bills ? Like all of the rest of it is narrative and story . So I want you to sort facts from the narrative . So just circle the facts , highlight the facts , but remember the lens on the facts is my boss always hated me .

Even though you might think you've got 10 proof points that prove that you do not know that you are not your boss . Try to be honest with yourself and just get to . If I had to prove this as an attorney , I had to prove this in court . Could I making part of your story a judgment like my boss has always hated me , or an interpretation ? It's not a fact .

You don't know . You're not your boss . Even if you think everything points to that , you still don't know it for sure . So try to keep your facts different from your narrative . So you've highlighted your facts . Next thing I want you to do is look at your narrative . Everything else that's left , that's not highlighted or circled , is your facts .

Next thing I want you to do is look at your narrative . Everything else that's left , that's not highlighted or circled is your narrative . So in my example , it would be things like this is really unfair .

Or I shouldn't have been laid off , it should have been Penny who sits next to me , or I'm never going to get another good job , or what am I going to do now with my life , or I should have known this was coming , or whatever else . You're telling yourself All of that's narrative .

So I want you to look at the narrative and next to each one of those things I want you to write down , when you look at that narrative line , that sentence that you were done , I want you to identify the one word emotion that it makes you feel just one word . So this is so unfair . It might make you feel angry or sad . My boss has always hated me .

Might mean that you feel angry or victimhood , right . Or you might say I got laid off because I did bad in that presentation last week . Might make you feel angry at yourself , or something like that . So go through each one and I want you to identify the one word , emotion . Write it down just next to the sentence .

So then I want you to look at the combination of those thoughts and feelings that you just did , and I want you to ask yourself for each one , does this serve me ? If I believe that this is true , is this the truth ? That's helpful or not ? Probably . If it's a negative emotion , probably isn't helpful , right ?

And then what I want you to look at is for each one of those sentences on a separate page , I want you to take each sentence individually and ask yourself if there is a more possibilities-oriented way to reframe it . So , for example , in the layoff scenario I just took you through , if one of your thoughts was this is really unfair .

What if you just stopped looking at it that way and decided that a more possibilities-oriented way to look at it could be this could lead me to an even better job in the future , or this frees me up to do something new with my life , or that , honestly , I was tired of doing this discipline anyway .

Now I can go look for a different type of a job in a new field , or something like that . Or if your thought is my boss always had it in for me . While that may or may not be true , we'll never know , because we're not your boss .

A way you could look at it instead is to say my boss and I weren't a great fit and this gives me a chance to find one . That is . Or if you think something like that as a horrible culture , you might say this is great because now I get to find a culture that is a better fit for me . That is a much better way of looking at something .

It's not as heavy . It's saying , oh , I may not have wanted this and oh , granted , I need the income and all that kind of stuff and I need a job as soon as I can find one . But deciding not to stay in a victim mentality or in an anger mentality is only going to lighten the load and allow you to see more possibilities in your life .

So that is a very helpful thing is to say how can I take each one of those sentences and reframe it into a more possibilities oriented mentality ? And then I want you to look at it and say this is especially valuable for the things that are further behind us Can be hard to do this one if it's a recent occurrence .

But still it's helpful to ask yourself what are the things that I can learn from this ? And that is very helpful . And for that sometimes it's helpful to put a lens on looking at the potential causes of the thing . So if it was a divorce ? Sometimes it's like potential causes of the thing , so if it was a divorce .

Sometimes it's like when you look at , okay , so the facts of the thing are now I'm divorced , right , and you're trying to reframe stuff .

But it's also helpful to go back and say , okay , through the lens of now , who did I think I was being in that relationship and what are some of the big lessons that I learned coming out of it around who I am , who my partner was , how I showed up , how they showed up , asking yourself , what are some lessons that you learned about who you are , about who

you want to be , about different ways to show up in that same situation in the future that might be helpful to take with you , because that starts to lead you to a place where it's not just reframed but it's through the lens of gratitude and how that negative thing actually changed you in some way , because you learned some more about yourself or about the world

or about people . That's going to be a lens that you can put on your future stuff . Those are the ways that you would take a past situation that you're not thrilled with and start to reframe it in a way that's more possibilities oriented and through the lens of lessons learned that are valuable to you in the future .

And then the last piece that I want you to do is so you looked at it through the lens of reframing how could you make it more possibilities oriented ? And you looked at it through the lens of the lessons learned .

I want you to look at it and say , okay , if those things were true , the reframing through a possibilities lens and the lessons learned and then you look at that same thing again . So go back to a new page and put layoff , but don't just think about , like when you did your first download , you just did it from a default perspective .

Like how you look at it today , if you could take one of those new perspectives , new possibilities oriented perspectives that you put on it and you looked at that thing again the divorce , the layoff , whatever it was for you and you looked at it through that lens , what would those new thoughts potentially be Like , let's just pretend it was a layoff and your

primary thought was my boss has always had it in for me . But you decided instead to say you know what ? Now , when I look at that specific layoff , I think this is actually good , because now I get to find a boss or a leader that I have a better connection or trusting relationship with . Let's just say that's the new lens .

Now , when you look at that situation , if you were to do a thought download on that through the lens of this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me , because now I get to find a boss that I trust , or a boss that I look up to , or a boss that I can learn from , or a boss that I vibe with or whatever it is .

That's a completely different thought download that you do . You might feel things like excited or happy or grateful , so that's a completely different mood or emotion now that you can attach to that experience . It's very different than anger or judgment or fear . So that's what I mean when I say rewriting the story of some of your past .

It's really important to know that we're all on a journey and we're all going to have things that happen to us , that are things that we want and things that we don't want , and it's important to know that there's always a possibility and a real value in going back and examining those , not through just ruminating about it through default lens , but instead to pull

it apart , like the exercise I walked you through , and say , okay , what's the difference between the facts of the situation , what's actually just story that I'm putting on it right ?

And then , once I identify the story parts , how do I reframe those through the lens of possibility or lessons learned , so that I can look at that same situation now without so much heaviness ? Because if you're putting that , oh , here's all the valuable lessons I can take away from this thing , well , think about your future now .

Think about the different lens you put on the decisions you make around what you want now because you learned those lessons , or who you are now because you learned those lessons , or how you show up now because of those lessons . So that's what I'm talking about . It's not about pretending something didn't happen .

It's not about taking a negative event and saying , oh , I'm thrilled that this actually happened to me . For most things that are unfortunate , I don't think you'll ever get there . I don't think you have to . I think you just have to say you know what ? There's always something to be learned from the ebbs and flows of life .

That is actually those ebbs and flows of life , that it's actually those ebbs and flows that form the basis of who we become and form the lens through which we look at the world .

And hopefully that as we go on this path of aging and growing wiser and stuff like that , we're being very intentional about the lessons that we've learned and the choices that we've made and our ways of looking at those past experiences so that they're serving us in the most powerful way going forward .

So the biggest thing I want to leave you with is there's value in doing that , and it's important to know that . There's value in doing that and it's important to know that . And even now , like as a coach , I have to remind myself sometimes oh , like this is a choice . How I'm looking at this is a choice . Like it's a it's not all fact .

There's a bunch of story , I've wrapped around this and I've got to pull that apart , right . And there's power in catching yourself doing the story and then intentionally shifting your focus on the things that bother you , that happen into a more possibilities oriented or ?

What can I learn from this kind of approach that instantly shifts the energy of the thing and , I think , sets you up to learn the most and become the most powerful version of who you are and , honestly , just changes how you feel every day ?

If you're toting the negative energy of a ton of negative experiences from your past , that is not fun and it is part of what's weighing down your present . So if you were to go back and let's just say pick the top three things that bother you most , let's just say your problem right now is in your career .

Let's look at the top three worst career experiences from your perspective . Walk through the exercise I gave you and do that for all three of them and at the end of it , and do that for all three of them and at the end of it , practice integrating in and in thinking and believing those new possibilities oriented things or new lessons learned things .

I promise you that lightens up and changes everything about how you look at where you are today and who you are today and how you decide to show up tomorrow and some of the ways that you look at the possibilities for yourself going forward . Like you don't have to keep living in this negative , victimized story of your past . It is not a requirement .

And you also don't have to deny that the things that happened in the past happened . They did happen , right . But you can intentionally reshape or reframe your perspective on those and in doing so , change not only like how you feel every day and how you feel about your possibilities going forward , but honestly who you think you really are .

All of that stuff that's negative and victimized and shame and guilt and fear and anger . It attaches to your identity , how you see yourself and who you're being every day .

And when you decide to go back and take parts of that out , edit it and shape it into something that doesn't deny that it happened , it's not delusion , it's just saying , no , I actually maybe still wish it hadn't happened , but even though it did happen , here's what I'm taking from it .

This is the best I can take from it , and I'm taking that and the rest of it I'm leaving behind . I'm not going to carry with me any longer . That's going to change that coexisting relationship of your past , present and future .

If you go back and rewrite those things from your past , your present and your future change as well and there is tremendous value in that . So I hope you found this exercise helpful and , if you liked it , I hope that you go back and you do that exercise with three or four or five things .

It's worth the time and it can really change in a very real way situations that you're in now because you took those lessons , because you now have this new perspective on some of the past things that happen , that's more powerful and going to be more integrated into the lens you put on things going forward .

It's a super , super wise and powerful way to look at your past experiences and it allows you to take even some of the more negative experiences you might have in relationships or career whatever and almost get to a place of being grateful , like maybe not grateful they happened , but grateful that you're able to take lessons from it that serve you .

It's just such a better energy to live your life in .

So I hope you found this episode helpful and I hope you at least give it a shot , because I can promise you it will ease your burden and you can change your past and how you think about it in very real , tangible ways so that you move forward in the best possible way , and that's always a good thing , especially as we're heading into close the year and

preparing for yet another year . So with that I'll leave you till next time . Make it a great week . My friends , do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach . I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it .

Join me at the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Don't forget the the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career in life everything you dream of . We'll see you there .