Ep 178: Five Steps to Overcoming Personal and Professional Setbacks

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends . I hope you had an amazing week .

Today I want to talk about something that impacts all of us , and that is what do we do when we find ourself in a hole , and I define that as when we find ourself in a place that's pretty deep and pretty dark and pretty far from where we really want to be , and this is something that can impact us in any part of our life .

It can definitely impact our career , it can impact us in our business , if we have one , and it can also impact us in any part of our personal life relationships , financial health , physical health , any area of our lives .

We can find ourselves at times , in a bit of a hole , and today what I want to talk about is how do you climb out of a hole , and I'm going to share with you five steps that are important to do when you find yourself in that place . But first I want to talk about a couple of different things .

Like , I think , when we find ourself in a hole , there's two general things that happen . Sometimes the hole that we're in is of our own making . So if it's a financial hole , maybe we overspent for a period of time or made a poor financial decision and we end up in a place , financially , that's not where we want to be .

We created that hole , not on purpose , but through a series of our own decisions . We ended up there .

Same thing for a person who maybe hasn't been taking care of themselves physically Maybe they're overeating a little bit or over drinking a little bit , or not working out , not taking their medication , whatever it is , and they find themselves in a place where they're paying a bit of a consequence , and so they find themselves in a pretty dark hole from a physical

perspective . Same thing can happen with a career . Maybe we took a job and we thought it was going to be this certain set of things , and it turns out to not be that thing .

In all three of those examples that I just shared , those are examples where we made the decision and it's led us into a hole , a place that's pretty dark and pretty deep and pretty far from where we want to be .

But there are other times when maybe we're shoved into the hole , meaning we're sort of tootling along and we think everything is just great , and then something happens and we're shoved into the hole , pushed , shoved , fall . We didn't choose it , we didn't make a series of decisions that led us there .

Maybe we woke up one day and our employer goes through something like Twitter's gone through . There's been an acquisition and they let half the company go right and we're caught up in this series of layoffs and we find ourselves without a job .

People at Twitter who've gone through that were shoved into a hole and anyone who's gone through a layoff or been let go or been reorged into a job they didn't want . That is an example of being pushed into a hole . That's kind of metaphorically how I'm thinking about it .

It's just an unfortunate situation that you did not want to happen , that you did not choose and that you didn't make a set of thought errors or errors in judgment . You just someone just happened along , gave you a little shove , you fell into the hole and there you are , looking up at the sky and thinking how am I ever going to get out of here ?

Same thing if , like you're in a marriage or long-term relationship and your partner leaves . You didn't see it coming , you didn't expect it , and now they just kind of shoved you into this dark place and you're wondering , like now , what for the rest of my life ?

You know there's so many ways that we can find ourselves unexpectedly in a hole , and so I think it's important to know that there's really those two uber ways to get there , through a series of your own decisions that led to some unintentional consequences , or sometimes it's something other people do to us .

So there's really those two kinds of ways to land in a hole , but you're still in the hole . And so what I want to talk about today is how do you get yourself out of the hole ? Right , how do you climb out ? You can't dig your way out , you have to climb your way out .

You have to climb , you know , and that requires you in a straight up , vertical climb , like if you're climbing a mountain . That requires planning , that requires agility , that requires focus , that requires determination . I've never climbed a mountain , but I would imagine that's what it requires , and it requires the right equipment mental and physical equipment .

So I want to talk to you today about how do you manage to go from 20 feet down in a hole , like in a well , and how do you manage to get your way out of it without relying on anyone else . How do you do it yourself .

So let's go ahead and dive in , because I want to share these five things because I think they're really important and I think , at any given time in our life , we can find ourselves in a fairly dark place , and it can feel scary and permanent , and it can feel like you're always going to now be living in this little dark hole .

You know , and so I know a bit about this .

So I'll share a little bit about my own personal journey and as I walk through these five steps , I'm hoping that it helps you if you're in a place where you realize that you're somewhere you don't want to be , and what I want to tell you today is that I think the universal thing we all worry about when we're in that place is that there's no way out , and

I'm here to tell you that is 100% not true . We all find ourselves in holes at times and I personally think , having been through a number of them myself and having gotten out of them , I can tell you there's nothing sweeter than being up in the light again after you've climbed out of the hole . That's a pretty sweet place and you appreciate it .

You've got a whole new appreciation for the upsides in life when you've just been that far down right . And I think the second thing is there's a ton of things to learn about how you got into the hole , about what to avoid the next time , the kinds of people , the kinds of decisions , that sort of thing .

So there's always something good to come from anything we encounter in life , even being in a hole .

So what I wanna tell you before we go through the five steps is if you're in a dark place and you feel like you're never going to get out of it whether it was of your own making or you got shoved in doesn't matter , it is not permanent and these five steps can help you climb out . So let's go ahead and dive into the five steps .

Let's go ahead and dive into the five steps . Number one is when you're in a hole no-transcript , and I know that seems very obvious , but remember earlier I told you about the two types . Sometimes we make a set of decisions that bring us into a hole unintentionally , and sometimes we're shoved in .

I truly believe that , for the people who make the unfortunate set of decisions that lead them into a hole , when it's something we do to ourselves that lead them into a hole , when it's something we do to ourselves , personally I have found and I have found by working with my clients it's harder to recognize that you're actually in a hole .

It can be really tough because I think it's hard to acknowledge that we played a part in getting ourselves there , and so when that happens , I think it's easier to be in denial . I think it's easier to just kind of stay unconscious to the fact that you're in the hole .

It's hard sometimes , because of our own pride , to admit that the actions we took led us into the hole . Everyone around you knows you're in a hole .

You know your friends know you're in a hole , your family , like they might tell you and they might yell down to you in the hole , like you're in a hole and you're like no , I'm not in a hole , everything's okay . You know it's just a bad day or whatever .

So I think it's really important to look around you and recognize if you're feeling bad about any part of your life sad , mad , bad , doesn't matter which part of your life I want you to ask yourself how long have you been there in that place that stuck place , and is it possible that you're in a hole , that you need to not just stand there and wait for

something to change , but maybe it's time to start climbing ? It is important to recognize when you're in the hole super , super important , and it's hard to sometimes admit that we made a mistake . But I think it's really important to just say hey , I'm somewhere I don't want to be and it is what it is . And I recognize I am now in a hole .

I got to get out Right . So that's the power of number one recognizing it is that you can't commit to climbing out of it until you recognize you're actually in it . I know it sounds a little obvious , but I have found again , if it's your own set of decisions that led you there , super hard to get to number one . At least it was for me , I think .

If I'm shoved in , I know right away I'm in a hole , because I remember falling into the hole and I remember exactly who pushed me into the hole right . So I tend to think that recognizing it is harder for people who made the decisions that led them to the hole . So that's number one is recognize . Very , very important .

To stop denying it and to wake up to the fact that you're in the circumstance that you don't want . That's number one . Number two , metaphorically speaking , you have to stop digging . Once you recognize you're in the hole , put down the shovel . Here's what I mean by that and I'll share a very personal example .

It's not from the career Well , career related in that I think I've shared before on this podcast . I have gotten transferred a lot in my career . I think I've lost count . I think I've lived in 14 cities , and so in 2006 , I got transferred from Charlotte , north Carolina , to Chicago and I was kind of excited for a lot of reasons .

Chicago is a very cool city and my family is from St Louis , which is only five and a half or six hours away . So lots of great reasons . I'm a Midwest girl , so I thought , oh , I'm going home , yay , that's great . And even though I loved Charlotte , I thought being closer to home is a good thing .

But for any of those who were adults in 2006 , we know we were two seconds away from the great recession , the big , huge meltdown that happened . And what was central to the meltdown ? The housing market . And so what did Carla do ? She moved to Chicago and bought a very nice house in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago .

And it was interesting because my father had told me hey , carla , I know you're moving to Chicago , but I don't think you should buy anything right away . I think you should just live in an apartment for a while and just see . I think we don't really know what's going to happen with the downside of this housing market .

It's probably not a great idea to buy right now .

And my dad is not one to like , and my parents were never ones to tell me what to do . So I thought why is he telling me like what to do with my , with my house purchasing ?

And I remember saying at the time oh dad , like you know , it's fine , I've always made money on houses and maybe I won't make as much on this one , but it'll , it'll be totally fine he's like .

So anyway , I did it and very long , painful story short , I ended up having that house for eight years , even though two years into it I got transferred back to Charlotte and I could never sell the house because it was the great recession and there was especially in Chicago , for whatever set of reasons .

The market was just decimated , probably every part of the city , but the part I lived in , even though they were nice suburbs like it , got smacked around a lot by the housing meltdown . I ended up selling the house eight years later and I lost $160,000 just on the price of the house , right , just just on that , like there was so much more to it .

So when I say stop digging , here's what I mean . I did not stop digging . So I not only got myself into that hole by buying the house when the news reports and my dad were already advising me not a great idea and I was just , you know , in denial , happily skipping along in life , thinking that it was all going to be upside .

And number two , I did not stop digging because at that time there were a lot of people who did the math and said there's no way out of this hole , and so they either walked away from their houses and then negotiated with the bank , or they did a short sale , or whatever .

A lot of people did all kinds of things at that time , and so they either walked away from their houses and then negotiated with the bank or they did a short sale or whatever . A lot of people did all kinds of things at that time and I kept digging . I had that shovel in my hand and I just kept digging , meaning I didn't let go of the house .

And even though I lived across the country , I had strangers renting the house three or four sets of strangers in that eight-year time period and you know it was not the kind of a price point of a house where you'd want to be renting it out or at least I wouldn't want to be renting it out and I didn't make enough money off the rent to totally cover the

monthly mortgage . So I not only had to pay for where I was living across the country in my apartment , I had to supplement the rent on the house to pay it . So for a house that I was never going to recoup the value of right , because at one time and the worst part of it I think it was down $240,000 . It was really bad .

And just now like sometimes I check on the house I think just now it's close to what I paid for it . So I didn't stop digging . I kept digging for eight years until I finally sold it , and when I sold it I had to bring 160 grand to the table to let it go . So to those fortunate people who bought it and now made all the money back that I lost .

But anyway , like my point is , had I been paying attention in number one wouldn't have gotten in the hole . It took me a very long time to recognize and admit that I was not only in a hole , but I got myself there . And number two it took me a very long time to stop digging .

And that's what I mean when you recognize that you are somewhere you don't want to be . Don't keep doing things that take you down to a deeper , darker place , whether it's a place that you got yourself into or a place that someone else pushed you into .

You need to recognize that you're not only there , but you just need to set down your shovel , metaphorically speaking , and stop making decisions and doing things that take you even further into the hole . Stop so that you can assess where you're at and start looking up and figuring out how to climb your way up . Okay , so that's number two .

Number three is this is a hard one , or was for me you have to accept that you're in the hole , and a hole is not a fun place to be .

Like I said , I envision it kind of as a well , it's like not very wide , it's dark and musty and you can see this lovely blue sky above you , but it's really dark down where you are and you're all by yourself , and it looks like a pretty impossible climb out .

So I think a lot of people think because I've talked to a lot of coaching clients about this kind of thing when they find , when they come to me and they're having a problem and they feel sort of hopeless , accepting that you're in the hole sounds like I'm saying get used to it , because you're staying there , you know , pitch a tent , because this is where

you're living from now on , and that is not what I'm saying .

What I am saying , though , is that when you find yourself in circumstances that are pretty jarring Whether it's a health issue or a relationship issue , or you lost a job or , like me back in the day , you know you ended up in a financial hole because of a poor decision you made in an investment or house or whatever you kind of have to say this is where I

am and not be miserable every day the hardest thing about learning

how to do . Number three accepting that you're in the hole is that it's not the place you want to stay . So I'm not saying is settle in and get comfortable . But what I am saying is stop resisting it , you just have to accept it . And I think with that acceptance comes a lot of really great things .

First , there is nothing that's going to keep you tethered to the spot more than anger , blame , hatred , resentment . Any kind of finger pointing either towards yourself for getting in the hole or pointing to others for pushing you on the hole , just keeps you emotionally anchored in that dark place . And when I'm talking about acceptance , here's what I'm talking about .

I'm talking about letting go of all of that . Doesn't really matter and I say this with love why you're in the hole . If you got laid off , you got to accept it . You don't have your job anymore and it doesn't matter if the boss always had it in for you or if you didn't get a fair shake .

When someone pushes you in a hole and you don't think it's fair and it very well may not be fair it's easy to get tethered emotionally to that resentment , the anger , the blame , the finger pointing , all this stuff . But it's like . At the end of the day , that leads nowhere and emotionally it just makes you exhausted .

It keeps you from functioning at your highest level mentally and really . You need all of your energy and your focus to be on the best ways to climb out of the hole and what you actually want your future to be , which we'll talk about those two things in a minute .

But you've got to find a place where you can be in that hole and be at peace with it Not so comfortable that you just intend to stay there , but so that you can . You can have a good life and you can have a productive life while still in the hole .

Very , very important that you don't stop living , that you don't get emotionally anchored to this negative place where you're blaming and being a victim and all the kind of stuff , or you're blaming yourself for you know , your stupid errors and judgment or whatever it is that you're doing to yourself .

Number three is about letting go of all of that and just being at peace . Super , super important . Number four is your first part of climbing out of the hole , and that is to start focusing on how you're going to get out of the hole . What is that upward climb going to entail ?

What steps are you going to take to do it , all the while knowing that it may not happen overnight ? I think when we're in the hole I know for me any hole I've ever been in I want something to happen that's magical , that solves it instantly , right , so I can instantly be transported from the hole up to solid ground again .

Sometimes that happens , sometimes the transformation or the ascent out of the hole is fast , but I think a lot of times it's not . I think a lot of times it's not linear . I think sometimes we can take three steps forward and four back . You know we can fall back down into the hole once we get halfway out .

I think you know you have to continue to stay focused on the climb and the strategies for the climb . I think it's kind of similar to how a mountain , a person who climbs mountains or climbs rocks , rock climbers there's a strategy right that they employ .

It's they've got the right set of equipment and they're very focused on the small steps they take up the side of the mountain . They're less focused on the peak .

That's the end goal , the summit or whatever , but what they're focused really on is the next handhold and the next foothold , and they're climbing their way slowly up the side of that , making sure that every step leads them upward to the next step .

I think that is the case with a metaphorical climb out of a hole is that usually it's not a quick transport up to the top . Usually it's a nonlinear , slower than we'd like climb up the side that sometimes has us falling back down and starting again .

So that's why number three is so important is that you have to be okay with being in the hole for a while , because it might take a while to climb out . So number four is like start getting your strategy together and start the slow , exacting climb and the set of steps you have to take in order to get out of the hole .

And think of it like a person scaling the side of a , of a large mountain or something , or cliff . It's like they're not going to get to the top overnight . They're very focused on one hand over another , on one foothold and then another , and ultimately that set of things that they do will get them to the top .

But it doesn't usually happen quickly and maybe not even linearly right . So start focusing on how best to get out and know that it won't be a linear journey and you might get some of it wrong and you're just going to have to keep figuring out new ways to climb out , new strategies to try to climb out .

So that's number four , and then number five , and this is really important and I think it is an important mindset to have so that you can actually do number three and number four , and that is in the darkness of the hole . Stay focused on where you plan to be when you're fully out of the hole , meaning , visualize that .

Visualize the other side of it , visualize being not only back on solid ground , but visualize being at the summit of your next big peak or your next big win . Where are you going next ? That's not only outside of the hole , but that's your next big win . Imagine being there . This is going to sound a little woo-woo , but it's really important .

I was just talking to a couple of clients about this in the past week . For a different set of reasons , they weren't in a hole , but they're talking about their next big goals and one of the things that in both instances we're working on is imagine yourself having that next big win and really put your mental state in that energy . We call it future you .

There's a lot of exercises you can do around future . You Imagine that , be in that energy , imagine having that big win , that big job , that money being out of that financial hole , having that relationship , whatever it is , and then get into that feeling , let it sit in your body . And then get into that feeling .

Let it sit in your body , get into that emotional state of what it would be like to have that thing and then bring that emotional state back into the whole with you .

I know it sounds super woo woo , but there's a lot of power in realizing that you're not going to necessarily get to the ultimate state of where you're going If you try to build from where you are .

If you instead emotionally anchor to that future you who already has that thing , whether it's weight loss or a big savings goal , or a successful business , or the right title at work that you're looking to have , or the marriage or whatever it is .

Imagine that , be that for a moment like , allow yourself to feel like all the good things that would feel , and then bring that energy back to where you are and use that energy to create your path forward .

I know it sounds super woo , but when you think about achievement it's always going to be better to try to achieve from a focus on the future instead of trying to achieve that same thing from where you are . Because think about it right now like we're talking about being in a hole .

If you're in a hole and it's pretty deep and dark , if you'd never really thought about the next big thing you want to go do , because it seems impossible anyway , because you're in this dark hole , it's going to be really hard to get there .

Whereas if you stop focusing so much and resisting that you're in the hole and instead you allow yourself , like I'm saying in step five , to say , hey , I've got this plan . Now , all these steps we've said , recognize that you're in a hole , you recognize it , you've set down your shovel .

And number two you stop digging so you're not making it worse , you're not continuing to do the things that got you in the hole right . Number three you accepted it , you're kind of at peace with being there for right now , like , you're not resisting it . You don't love it there , but that's what you . You can be perfectly happy in the hole .

Number four you are focusing on the small series of steps you can take to start making progress out of the hole . And number five knowing all of those four things were already happening , you just stop focusing on the whole in its entirety and instead focus 100% on that future state where you want to be .

So , like , imagine someone who's in a pretty serious physical health situation . These same principles apply . So recognize that that's what's happened . You've gotten that diagnosis . Set down your shovel . Stop doing things in your life , if you were , that are going to make the situation even worse .

Like , try to kind of clean up your eating and clean up your self-care and all that stuff to try to not have it get any worse than it already is . Number three accept it . You can't change it right now . This is what you're dealing with here , so you're accepting it and you're still making sure that you're doing everything you can to live a

good life . Number four you're starting to focus on how to best get out of it right , how to best change your physical situation . So what is your series of treatment ? Like ? What are you going to have to do ? Like step by step by step ?

And then number five what that would look like for that person , if it's a physical diagnosis or something , is they're imagining themselves five years from now , completely disease-free and out of the situation , imagining their life , imagining how they feel physically and anchoring emotionally and mentally to that place and allowing that to really penetrate every part of who

they are and taking that energy back to where they are right now . That's what I mean by building from future . You is like allowing yourself to stop thinking about where you are and instead focus forward on who that person is that has that future state that you really want .

Allow yourself to feel it and take all of that positive mental and emotional energy back to right now .

And that's going to give you more strength and more resilience and more grit , because every time you get knocked down , every time you face something unpleasant as you're climbing out of the hole , you are getting yourself right back up , because you are channeling the emotional energy of the person who already has the new big thing that you're dreaming about in the

next five years being disease-free , being financially healthy , having the amazing title , having the successful business , having the happy marriage right .

So the future you concepts is very powerful , and a lot of really successful entrepreneurs that I know do all of their goal work from future you , so they not only channel that energy in their pursuit of the goal , but even the setting of their goals they don't allow to be from the place of current them .

They only set their goals from a place of like five years from now them , because that way the goal is big enough and scary enough to really propel them forward . So the most powerful people I know do not focus on either solving a problem or creating a next level of them from a place of the present .

They do it from the future , and it is a little spiritually woo-woo . But when you think back in your life , this is kind of what I'll leave you with is , at least for me , when I look back on my own journey .

If somebody had told me and I always remind myself of own journey if somebody had told me and I always remind myself of this , like if somebody had told me when I was a little kid or even just getting out of high school or something , that someday I would have lived in 14 cities and I would have worked with all these amazing people and I would have worked

for all these amazing brands and would have done all these cool things in business and I would have gotten to travel here and there and I would have been doing million dollar TV shoots and I would have been doing all of the stuff , I would have said that is never going to happen , you know , and so that's kind of what I mean is that it did happen , but how

much faster could it have happened if I started out with the belief that it was all possible ? That's what I'm talking about , like , instead of just focusing on where you are and how to take the next step . That's part of what we all have to do . So that's number four and climbing out of a hole .

But if you really want to propel yourself ahead faster and if you want to be able to more easily pick yourself up from disappointment when you try and fail and things like that , doing that from a place of future , you is a great tool to use and all you have to do is just allow yourself to think of the biggest , most amazing possibility for yourself in five

years and then transport yourself there and really spend some time thinking about how it feels . How does it look ? You know what's your emotional energy Like , what's it like to actually have , do and be that thing , and then bring all of that back to where you are currently . It totally changes your life . It's really , really amazing .

So those are the five steps . Number one recognize you're in a hole . Number two stop digging . Number three accept that you're in the hole digging . Number three accept that you're in the hole . Number four start working on the short-term strategy for vertically climbing out of that hole .

It's going to take one small step in front of the other , so start figuring that out and start doing it .

And then , number five from that dark place , transport yourself five years into the future and explore the person who's not only out of the hole but who's thriving in some new , next level win and take that energy metaphorically back into the hole with you and use that to power your ascent out of the hole .

So I just want to leave you with the idea that if you are in a place today , that is either a place that you got to because you made a set of decisions that now , in retrospect , you wish you hadn't , or if you were just tootling along in your life and someone shoved you into the hole unexpectedly .

I feel your pain and I understand how alone and dark and impossible it can feel , but what I want to tell you is that no place in our life is ever permanent and if you want to climb out of that hole .

You can , and you can do it starting today , and it may take longer than what you want , but there are things to value about the time that you spend in the hole , and that's really the last thing I want to leave you with is when you look back on that time , there's a treasure trove of wisdom to get from , not only the set of actions that put you in the

hole , but also the things you learn about yourself , about others and about what you're going to do next time . And that kind of makes being in the hole not such a bad place , because I promise you you're learning a lot more about life and about who you really are and what you're really capable of in those times that you are in a hole .

But I say this with absolute compassion . I know it's not fun to be there and I know how scary and alone it can feel , but I want you to know you're not alone .

We've all been there , and if you find yourself in a place where maybe you've just now woken up and realized you're in here , maybe you've been in the hole for a while , maybe you just got shoved in . Whatever it is , if you need someone to talk to .

I'm here for you and you can either send me an email at Carla at the purposeful careercom If you want to send me a question , I'm happy to talk to you about it or if you just want to schedule a 30 minute free , we can either do a call or a zoom video call . Whatever you want .

All you have to do is go to my website at the purposefulcareercom forward slash private coaching and there's a button on the website that says schedule a free consultation .

I think you could also go to my Instagram at the purposeful career and click on the link in my bio and there's a button for scheduling a consultation and I'm happy to talk to you about whatever's going on in your life , because the most important thing is , these five steps work .

I know this from my own personal life and I know it from the coaching approach that I use with my clients . But what I want you to know more than anything is you're not going to stay in the hole forever and it isn't your fault , even if you made a set of decisions that led you there .

No one chooses to do that to themselves , and there's nothing to be gained by beating yourself up or staying in blaming or victim mentality .

If someone pushed you in the hole that's on them , you are certainly more than capable of getting yourself out of it , and there is a lot more upside to life for you to live and experience , and that is the message I want to leave you with , and with that I will leave you until next

time . Make it a great week , my friends . Do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach . I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it . Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level .

Don't forget the thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career and life everything you dream of . We'll see you there .