Ep 174: Four Ways to Overcome Perfectionism

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends . I hope you guys had an amazing week .

A couple of weeks ago , I came across a Harvard Business Review article from a few years ago that's related to perfectionism and it was one of those things that I read that really changed the way I looked at it .

So it also inspired me , because it was so interesting to do a bit more research and reading up on the topic and I learned some really interesting things and it made me realize how often we're dealing with this in our lives , even if we're not someone that thinks of themselves as being a perfectionist .

This really opened my eyes not only to the reality of perfectionism and the fact that it's not only a growing problem in society no big surprise there in the age of social media right but that it can show up in more ways than you probably realize , this was a revelation for me , so I'm really excited to share it with you today .

So in this episode , I'm going to walk you through the three types of perfectionism I know who knew there were three . I did not the impact that each type has on the person and maybe on those around them , and what to do about it .

I thought this would be a great episode , even if you don't feel like you've got perfectionist tendencies , because once you learn a little bit more about it , I think you might question that you can at least examine whether or not it actually is showing up for you , and or if you recognize these behaviors in people around you maybe people you love or people that

you lead in your career and so I thought this would be great information and these tips and insights that I share that can help , might help you not only help yourself , but those around you . Now let's start with what , for me , was the biggest news , and that is that perfection is not a one size fits all thing .

To be honest , I've never thought a lot about perfectionism , probably because I just didn't think it was that big of an issue for me . I knew that I might have it a little bit , but it never really stopped me right . I thought perfectionists were just people with a super high bar who were never satisfied with themselves and always criticizing themselves .

So while I've had friends and colleagues who I would put in this bucket , I never considered myself anywhere close to that . I mean , I do have high standards for myself and as a leader of other people .

I have them for others and for the team performance , and sometimes I have a little voice inside my inner critic that will tell me things like something I'm trying to do isn't good enough or whatever . But I considered it more a minor annoyance .

It certainly , like I said , has not stopped me from trying new things or going after new things that I wanted to do . But I did realize at times that my minor little perfectionist qualities did occasionally cause me to procrastinate , and we'll talk a little bit more about the linkage between perfectionism and procrastination here in a little bit .

But to be honest , I always thought of perfectionists as being far more exacting than I ever have been with myself or with others . Some shade of gray that's just shy of well you know , kind of being perfect .

I'm sure you know people like that , where it's like they seem like they have it all together and then everything they do is amazing and they're still not satisfied . Like to me , that was the definition of a perfectionist , and so I just never identified with it or thought that much about it .

But as I dove into this article on perfectionism , it was a revelation for me . It turns out that there are two Canadian psychologists , paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett , that have led a decades-long research study that stretched from like 1989 to 2016 .

And this study obviously is multi-generational , and they used the insights of this study to create something they call the Multidimensional perfectionism scale . And the scale they developed reveals that there's a range of perfectionism , and it falls into three broad types , based on where the perfectionist lens is placed , and I'll talk more about that in a minute .

But the three types are self-oriented perfectionism , other-oriented perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism .

So that was interesting , that there are three types and all three types , of course , have looking or trying to be perfect as the end goal looking or trying to be perfect as the end goal but they differ from each other in terms of where the pressure to be perfect is coming from .

Sometimes the pressure to be perfect is coming from us , as is the case with self-oriented perfectionism , which I think is the classical definition . Sometimes it's coming from those around us , which is the case with other oriented perfectionism , and sometimes the pressure is coming from society as a whole , as is the case with socially prescribed perfectionism .

So let's get into the details on each , because it's actually really interesting . So , like I said , the self-oriented perfectionist is probably the one most of us think about when we think about the definition of a perfectionist I know it was for me and that is defined as someone who has excessively high standards and expectations for themselves .

So they might set these unattainably high standards that are impossible for anyone to achieve , and then , when they inevitably don't achieve them , they're incredibly hard on themselves because they've fallen short of their own unreasonably high expectations . This is a self-perpetuating kind of a cycle that is very self-destructive .

These people , though , might actually be very successful in their life to the outside world , right but the truth is that they rarely allow themselves to feel like a success , and even more rarely to celebrate their success , because , after all , nothing's ever good enough , right ? So there's nothing , in their view , to celebrate because it's not perfect .

Many of these people are well aware that they have perfectionist tendencies , but a lot of times they tend to view it as a secret to their success . And I know , like earlier I said , I have like a I would say , oh , I'm very mild form of this and I too believe that it was a catalyst behind a lot of my drive in my career .

And the truth is , you know , it proves out that a mild form of this type of perfectionism does tend to correlate with greater productivity , more assertiveness and more resourcefulness in general .

But , like many things , if it's taken to an extreme it has a darker side , because it's really common for self-oriented perfectionists to tell themselves stories about how the things they do or try , or their achievements or where they're at in their life , or whatever they've been able to succeed or not at , are just not good enough , and so , as a result , they

often feel overwhelmed , anxious , dissatisfied . Like I said , this is probably the classic view of a perfectionist , at least for most of us . So that's the self-oriented perfectionist .

The second type is the other-oriented perfectionist , and this one was for me the most surprising because , you know , when I read about the multidimensional perfectionism scale and I saw this other oriented perfectionist , I recognized it like , it sounded familiar and I could think of people who fall into this category .

But I never would have categorized this person as being a perfectionist . I would have categorized them , before I read this , more as being a demanding , critical or judgmental person . Not that I'm trying to label people , but you'll see what I mean in a minute .

But when you learn more about it , I do think most of us are going to recognize either someone around us or maybe have interacted with someone like this in our life . Just like it sounds , this type of perfectionist is other oriented , so they still have these like excessively high standards , but ironically they're not for themselves , they're for others .

Maybe these people are also self-oriented perfectionists and think that if they have to hit these high standards , other people should have to do the same thing . Right , they can come off as being harsh and demanding and critical and judgmental when anyone else doesn't meet those standards . And this type of perfectionism , like I said , can come from many places .

It can come from a friend , it can come from a parent , a teacher , a coach , a partner , a coworker . It can come from anywhere . And it makes having a productive relationship with that person very , very difficult , for one simple reason they're never satisfied with what we do right .

They're always criticizing us or judging us , and so that can either piss us off or make us feel like we're inadequate or not good enough or not measuring up , which , if we go in that direction , can do a number on our self-esteem . So that's the other oriented perfectionist .

So think for a minute if you have someone like that in your life , or maybe you are that person . And then there's the third type , called the socially prescribed perfectionist .

This one is where the person is fixated not on what they think of themselves but what they think others are thinking of them , and they constantly worry about whether they're good enough or they're meeting society's standards .

And people with this form of perfectionism put immense pressure on themselves to be the best and they constantly worry about being rejected by others or not measuring up to external standards , which could come from their family , it could come from their workplace or society in general , and it's probably no big surprise given the pervasiveness of social media .

This one has increased at nearly twice the rate of the other two types of perfectionism since the study began back in 1989 .

The really interesting thing about this spectrum of perfectionism is that a person can fall into just one type or they can be a blend of two , or maybe all three , but regardless of the type they're experiencing , all forms of perfectionism share one thing perfection is the goal , and , of course , perfection is impossible , which is what makes this tendency so toxic to

us , right ? The danger of this , too , is that when you have a very mild form of it , say moderate to high standards that are maybe align well with your innate strengths and capabilities , it can really propel you forward . It can give you that drive that sets you apart from others , and in doing so , it can sort of be a key to your success for a while .

The problem , though , is when it's taken to extremes . When there's such a preoccupation with perfection or being viewed as perfect by others or yourself that it's not achievable . It can set you up for failure and lead to anxiety and low self-esteem and all kinds of things , because perfection is impossible , right .

Eventually , even if it propelled you forward initially , at some point it's probably going to become more of a drag on your success , and it's going to lead to self-judgment , anxiety , depression and lower levels of self-worth , because perfection isn't possible .

So eventually , even if it propels us forward initially , we're going to fall short and it's going to boomerang back and become this negative , self-perpetuating thing that happens with us .

So , now that we know the three types and maybe you've either connected to the ways it's showing up in yourself , maybe one or more ways , or in some of those around you you might be wondering what you can do .

Well , first , let's talk about what's at the heart of perfectionism , because , as we always talk about on this podcast , which is what my entire business is about everything starts on the inside .

All forms of perfectionism start with what we're thinking , and usually these perfectionist thoughts come from a belief that we're not good enough , or a fear of not being good enough , or that we're deeply flawed or don't measure up in some way .

Now , beliefs like that come from programmed patterns of thought that usually develop over our lifetime , maybe from the time when we were young , through things we experienced or saw , maybe things that people said to us , maybe our failures or successes , or the failures or successes we saw others have , others have , and we made those things mean something about us , and

maybe our abilities or what was possible for us or what we had to do in order to be okay , right .

So we interpret things that we see , sometimes as children , or that we hear , and we make that mean something , and then that thought or belief gets stored away in our brain and over the course of our life , when similar experiences come up , our brain will automatically serve up that stored away thought again and again and again .

That's how it becomes an ingrained belief or a programmed pattern of thought , because it's something that you're thinking over and over and over and over again until you just believe that it's true . But just because you think it over and over and over again doesn't mean it's true . That's the important thing to understand .

It just means that you've thought it over and over and over again . Our thoughts , once we become aware of them , are optional . We get to decide what we want to believe about ourselves and our possibilities

. So most perfectionism comes from this feeling of not being enough or wanting to be good enough . And we're thinking thoughts that are causing that . And you might be wondering , like how can you undo a lifetime of programmed patterns of thought that are now hardwired in that you weren't even aware were being stored away in the first place ?

Well , the key always begins with becoming aware . Be aware , first , of how you're feeling , especially if you're feeling something that's on the more uncomfortable or negative side , if you're feeling positive and optimistic and upbeat and good about yourself . You can be sure there's a thought behind that .

That's a good thought that you probably want to hang on to , right . But if you're feeling something that's more negative or judgmental or something that causes anxiety or discomfort or uncertainty or any of those things , you can be sure that behind that is a thought that you want to be aware of and start to question right .

So it is always about becoming aware of what we're thinking , by probably first being aware of what we're feeling , because most of us , you know , our brain as we've said many times in this podcast works very , very quickly . So we're not always aware of what we're thinking . We are usually aware of whether we're feeling good or not .

So we're not always aware of what we're thinking . We are usually aware of whether we're feeling good or not . So this awareness does start first with probably how you're feeling , and here it's less important to understand , once you kind of become aware of what you're thinking , that's driving that more negative feeling .

It's not important to understand where the genesis of that thought was Like . Sometimes I do think it's important to understand where it all begins , but it's not helpful to try to identify the point in your life or the situation , the specific situation where it started . That's less important than understanding actually that the thought is there .

That's what you need to know . It doesn't matter when it started or how long it's been there . What matters is it's there now and , if it's not , something that's serving you , to take steps to try to moderate it so that it has less impact on you and on those around you less impact on you and on those around you .

So , because it's about awareness and you might want to change these patterns of thought , I'm going to serve up four new perspectives that you can decide to shift into if you want , and this is going to help you deal with the inner perfectionist in yourself .

Or maybe , if you've got those around you who are foisting off their perfectionism onto you , it can help with that as well . So the first three are going to be most helpful , I think , to people who are either struggling with self-oriented or socially prescribed perfectionism .

The fourth one is specifically for people who are other oriented perfectionists and shift those tendencies off onto others . So let's dive into the four perspectives and , as we go through them , I want you to think of these as a shift in perspective .

So this is something that , if you see perfectionism showing up for you or for someone that you love , these four perspectives could be the genesis of new thoughts and beliefs that you or the person who's suffering from perfectionism might choose to shift into so that they can start to minimize or mitigate the negative impact that the perfectionism is having on them .

So the first one , the first shift in perspective , is about reframing failure . So one of the biggest drivers of perfectionist thoughts is a fear of failure . For the perfectionist , they can tend to view any new challenge as an opportunity not to succeed or learn new things , but as an opportunity to fail .

And usually behind their fear of failure is the belief that if they aren't perfect at that new thing , they'll expose a weakness in themselves to others . So they want others to view them as being perfect , and so they set these unrealistic standards of perfection for themselves so that if they hit that , then others will see them in the way that they desire .

So this is what's behind the higher levels of stress and anxiety that perfectionists experience , and the idea here is to shift away from this fear of failure or what might go wrong to instead focusing on what they're going to learn by trying something new and instead of perfection as a standard for success in that new thing , instead to see the learning of the new

thing , imperfect as the attempts that that might be , as a development opportunity , that the learning of it is the end goal rather than the perfecting of it , right ? So that's a big shift .

It sounds easy , you know , to shift from oh , I'm going to try something new and instead of worrying about being perfect at it , I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn . It sounds like it's not that big of a shift , but actually it's quite huge for somebody who , no matter what they do , feels they have to be perfect at it .

So allowing themselves to start viewing new opportunities as a chance to learn instead of an opportunity to fail is the big payoff here . So that's number one . Number two , the second perspective , is to set a new , more realistic standard for themselves . So the biggest challenge for perfectionists is obviously the excessively high standards they set for themselves .

This is what sets them up to fail , which they actually fear , right ? Which , in turn , when they inevitably fall short of perfection because perfection isn't possible , it damages their self-esteem . They , you know , they start to have lower feelings of self-worth and value . The key here is they need perspective on what realistic even is .

Sometimes these individuals will need some help in recognizing what is realistic versus unrealistic in terms of a standard . So if this is you , you might want to talk to others . You might want to even seek out a coach or some counseling to start to recalibrate what you think .

Realistic even means there's nothing wrong with aiming high , but aiming high is very different from shooting for perfection , and nothing less than perfection will do . That is a very different thing .

So if you've had a lifetime to develop these perfectionist tendencies , you probably have lost sight of what a realistic standard even is , because anything less than perfection feels like you know it's just lazy or not good enough .

But if you learn what a more realistic standard could be and you allow yourself to aim for that , then you can make advancing toward that goal more of the point .

Channeling kind of perseverance and determination in the achievement of a more realistic standard that you can actually hit and then allowing yourself to feel great about the achievement of that is going to get you a lot further and cause a lot less stress and anxiety and a lot less damage to your personal self-worth than aiming for perfection and inevitably falling short

. So the second one is try to recalibrate or define a new , more realistic standard for yourself . Or if you're a parent of a perfectionist , or a leader or a coach to a perfectionist , you know , try coaching along that vein . What's more realistic ? They don't have to be perfect , right ?

The third shift in perspective is that progress has more value than perfection . So another way to say this you've probably seen is done is better than perfect .

So there is an undeniable link between and I alluded to this earlier because I do this sometimes myself between perfectionism and procrastination , and that is because the fear of not being perfect or of being able to master something or failing can make it hard for someone to muster up the desire to even start the thing right , to muster up the desire to even start

the thing right . So , basically , most perfectionists procrastinate because they can't fail if they don't start . And the key here is the channel , the discipline to get started , and that requires a shift right .

So , instead of thinking about , you know , the fear of maybe failing if they're not perfect , which is actually what's causing them to procrastinate , the key here is to channel the self-discipline to get started and to place the value on making progress rather than achieving perfection .

This helps the perfectionist avoid the constant overthinking and rumination and worry that actually lead to the procrastination . So progress is more important than perfection , or done is better than perfect .

I would look at that as a discipline that you can shift into whenever you see yourself starting to procrastinate , because you know the reason you're procrastinating is you're dreading that what you're going to do is not going to be good enough .

Some version of that is what's going on , and the last one , like I said , is specifically for people who tend to be other oriented perfectionists , that is , they place their high standards on those around them . So here , what you want to do is shift your focus from perfection to acceptance .

Now , if you're someone who is demanding , critical or judgmental of others because they don't meet your standards of perfection , it's probably having an impact on your relationships , right ?

And the key here is to shift your focus and specifically to move it from a focus on what the other person quote unquote should be doing to instead accepting the person as they are . Because guess what the truth is , it doesn't matter what bar you set for someone else . You can't control them or make them want to achieve it .

And , as you've probably already learned , being harsh or critical doesn't help either , and I know , if you're a parent or a teacher , boss or a coach of someone who you view as having so much potential but who isn't measuring up to that .

This can seem like questionable advice , but the key here is to understand that if you feel someone has more potential than they're realizing , you're going to get further by channeling empathy , understanding and encouragement than you are with harsh demands or unrelenting criticism .

Help them make progress and shine a light on their accomplishment and their small wins , instead of just reminding them that they haven't met your unrealistically high standards .

And lastly , let's be honest with yourself about whether this tendency is related to one person specifically or to everyone in general , and if it's the latter , the key here is to shift your focus from others to yourself . You need to accept the people around you as they are and realize that you aren't responsible for how they show up .

Shifting your focus back to yourself will give you more control back over your own life and , honestly , more peace and satisfaction , because you're placing the emphasis on what you can control , which is yourself , instead of on trying to keep your focus outside of yourself onto others that you have zero control over .

So , bottom line , however , perfectionism might be showing up in yourself or in those around you in your life , whether it's something that you feel you struggle with or whether someone in your life is struggling with it . These four shifts in perspective that I shared can help .

You know , trying new things and trying to show up as our best in the world that's kind of where perfectionist comes from , right . Perfectionism , at its root , has a good intent . We want to show up well , we want to perform well , we want others to think well of us , right .

But the truth is it's about moderation and it's about perspective and it's about making sure that we place more emphasis and value on the journey of what we're trying to do or contribute or achieve than about the end destination .

That is the key , because by doing that we allow ourselves to value the progress we're making instead of just measuring up by the yardstick of whether or not we hit the mark .

That's never going to lead to a life of satisfaction and it's never going to allow ourselves to honestly fully see how we're progressing in our lives and the great strides that we're making by trying all of these new things . So perspective and awareness is the key if perfectionism is a thing for you . I hope you found this interesting . I know I did .

It really opened my eyes to , honestly , all the ways that perfectionism was showing up in my life and things that I viewed around me , and I hope it's done the same for you . Until next time , make it a great week , my friends . Do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach .

I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside . We take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it . Join me at the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Don't forget the the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career in life everything you dream of .

We'll see you there , thank you .