Ep 171: Mastering Inner Leadership: Transform Your Life with Self-Command and Purposeful Thinking

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends . I hope you had an amazing week . Today we're going to talk about leadership , but not in the way we usually talk about it in business .

We're going to talk about it from the perspective of why it's important to be a great leader to yourself , so we're going to talk about the value of inner leadership . Now , there's no denying that leadership is a very hot topic these days . We hear about it in business , politics , sports , religion , whatever .

In fact , according to Forbes magazine , it's a $400 billion a year industry with a B and growing . So , and that's great , because the whole concept of leadership is important . But the thing is , most of what we read or discuss when it comes to leadership is one dimensional .

It's usually focused on things like how to influence others , how to motivate others , how to manage others , how to inspire others and even how to get others to trust you or follow you or whatever . And when you look at these things , notice what they all have in common . There's a couple of things . First , they're about the effect you want to have on people .

That's , first and foremost , influencing others , motivating others , inspiring others and that's important , but it's not all of it .

And second , they're about how to strategies , which means the focus of a lot of these books and literature and articles , and all that is almost exclusively on external things , the impact you have on others and the actions you should take to respond to something that's going on or something that you need to do .

And I would say that what's missing is the most important part of leadership . It's the part that comes before all of that . Before you can think about what you do for others or the right actions to take , we have to be first and effective leader to ourselves .

Because whether you're trying to manage something that's going on around you , like a reorganization or a political situation , whatever it is , or whether you're trying to just manage where your career is going , if you want to get the best results , it all starts from you .

It starts inside , right Before we can develop the best response to something or lead others through it in the most effective way .

We must have a clear perspective of what's going on in the first place , and we can't trust our brain to always have that clear perspective without us working to gain awareness into the things that our brain will just default , into the thinking patterns that come up for us .

When things happen , we all get triggered right , and so you can't rely on your brain to always have the clearest perspective on what's going on . That takes work . We want to make sure that we're not just responding automatically , based on whatever unconscious thought loop might be going on in your head . We all have them .

We want to make sure that when we're responding , it's from a place that's free from unconscious judgments , self-limiting beliefs , biases , whatever , and that is something that takes purposeful work .

You have to get into your head and understand the recurring patterns of thought that are there , and when you're in the moment and something may be difficult , before you rush to action or judgment or whatever , you need to make sure that you're clear on what's going on in your head , and we're just not taught this right .

That's why I developed the concept of inner leadership . It is kind of a mashup of the cognitive behavioral approach to the psychology method .

It's also combining things that I've learned in my certification on positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania Things like grit , resilience , all of that which they're so amazing at teaching and lots of other neuroscience-based things that I've studied and continue to study . And this is all to help us develop what I like to call self-command .

That's when we learn how to stop responding to the things that happen and instead learn how to be the master of our inner world , specifically our thoughts and our emotions .

Again , usually not something we talk about when it comes to our career or business or whatever , but the truth is it's from those things , the thoughts and emotions , that are actions and , ultimately , our results come from .

So long before we come up with an answer to what we should do about whatever is going on or the things that happen to us , we have to first work on leading our mind ourselves as it relates to the things that happen , and this means first becoming aware of how we feel about the thing , because a lot of times I know in business , especially as a woman , most

of us have been taught at least those of us in the Gen X and older group that you kind of have to separate your emotions , right ? You don't want to be the woman who's accused of being emotional . So for me at least , it took a while for me to connect back in to how I even felt about things .

You get so used to sort of disconnecting from it and just dispassionately taking what you think is smart action , that we're disconnecting from something that's actually really important , because your first cue that something's either going to serve you or not is how you feel . Right , that's the first thing .

So if something happens and you're cued into your emotions and you realize that you're feeling some negative emotion like rejection or fear or anger or impatience or whatever , then you know that the thought behind it , which is what caused that emotion , needs to be explored .

You need to uncover what that thought is , because clearly it led you to feel something negative and you can be very sure that whatever actions come out of that and play that out to results , they're not going to serve you . So you've got to really spend the time mining your mind for the things that are going on before you commit to action .

It's only then that you can decide whether or not that thought is going to serve you long term . And if the answer is no , then the other part of this inner leadership thing that we teach is that we teach you how to shift into a new thought that will .

Most of the time we are not aware of the thoughts that are swirling in our heads . I mean , sometimes we will . Sometimes , you know , something will flare up and we'll realize what we're thinking about it . But most of the time when our brain serves something up , we actually think that's just the truth .

We think that that thought or the conclusion that we reached is universal . We think it's just what everyone thinks or that it's just true . And if you're like me , you definitely don't know , maybe haven't spent enough time thinking about it , but our thoughts are a choice . That was for me . When I heard about it , I like blew my mind .

I was like , oh , I don't know . I guess I thought that my thoughts about something that's happening again , like whether a York or difficulty you're having or whatever I just thought that the things my brain served up were just true . We're not taught that we have a choice to make and that we can choose a different thought to think about the thing that happened .

We don't have to just live with whatever random thought that our brain served up and we probably , in many instances , don't want to right , because they're based on programmed patterns of thought that got ingrained somewhere along the line without you even being aware of it , so it could be full of limiting self beliefs or biases that you don't want to act on , or

whatever . Those thoughts that you have automatically aren't just true . They're kind of programmed and sometimes they serve you and sometimes they won't , and we can decide to choose a new thought that actually will lead you in the direction that you want to go . This is the foundational thing that we teach in my coaching practice . It's science based too .

This is not woo woo stuff , but I get how it feels like that . Like I said earlier , this is not what we usually talk about when it comes to our career , business , right . We talk about actions and strategies and practical things like that . So this internal focus on our brain and our mind and our thoughts and our emotions it sounds a little woo woo .

I mean . I know it did to me at first too , but I also knew for me . When I first heard about it , I thought that feels like something I need to know more about . Trust me when I say that when you learn this approach to purposeful thinking , it allows you to practice the kind of inner leadership that puts you firmly in charge of you .

It is not about smart strategies , I mean . Eventually you get there , but it doesn't start there . And once you master this idea of how to purposefully choose what you want to think about the things that are happening to you , you're no longer the victim of the things going on around you .

Instead , you just get to look at it , examine the thoughts that are coming up for you and decide whether or not you want to think those things or that you want to think that way about what's going on .

Most of us , at least in Western culture , are taught to pay attention to external things , the things going on outside of us or around us , and we're told that you know , we just need a proven strategy or a smart strategy for how to respond to those things , to manage or influence those things .

I mean , every self-help article , magazine cover or book title proves that out .

We see headlines like so three easy ways to do this or the five hacks to do that , and it all sounds great , right , it sounds very rational , like there's some off the shelf solution to everything that happens Like it's all that easy problem , solved right , and don't get me wrong Strategies and actions , sometimes those three easy ways and five hacks and all that .

Sometimes they are good , but you can't start there , because the truth is , if all we do is focus on the external things that are going on or happening to us , we won't have the awareness to be clear about what we think or what we want to think about the things that are going on .

And this is dangerous because if we're not aware of our own thoughts and beliefs around what's going on , or we're not aware of what we're making those things that are going on mean about us or our possibilities or whatever , then we'll always be fighting lingering negative feelings . And you know what that means .

It means that whatever actions we take in response to the things that are going on , if they're coming from a negative emotion , the actions we take are going to be less than ideal , depending on what your brain serves up . Your brain serves up unconsciously that you're not aware of .

They might be coming from a negative or limiting place , and that means we might potentially be left to fight the lingering negative effects of the things that are very much alive and well underneath the surface and none of us want to take action from a place of limited self belief and none of us want to be the person that leaps to judgments or conclusions or

that has biases they're not even aware of that factor into their decision making or their actions . It's just not . It's not a good recipe for not only like a good career , but your best life . Like you really need to be clear on why you do the things you do , and that comes with the thoughts that you're thinking .

So let's look at something recently that will happen to one of my coaching clients as a way to illustrate the power of inner leadership and the things that we teach .

So six months ago this client was promoted into a new role within the same company , so it was a level up for her and it was in a different business unit and it's a very large corporation , multinational , so she wasn't very well networked out of her business unit that she'd been in previously and now they're reporting to a new manager in a new business unit and

have an entirely new set of peers , none of whom they knew very well . So they couldn't really lean into their past personal brand that they developed in their role . They were kind of starting from scratch , almost like they were a new hire into the company .

And yet it's interesting like as we explored it , my client got it , but when she first came to me she didn't . She was really stuck on the fact that she didn't get it . She didn't understand why things were not , from her perspective , going well six months into the role . In their past role they've been well liked .

They've often been sought out for their opinions and they were always highly rated when it came to annual review time . So they were usually given some of the most difficult and high profile projects and initiatives and they always ace them . They really liked and had a lot of friends in their other role . All of that .

But now in this new role , everything just felt different . While they're slowly developing a relationship with their new boss , the client just could not shake the feeling that they were the odd one out .

The people in the team had all worked together for several years , so they shared a lot of history and finished each other's sentences , laugh at the same things build off each other's ideas .

It all looked great , except that , no matter how hard my client tried , in her view she couldn't figure out a way to get accepted into this cozy little click they had going on and because of COVID , all the regular office based ways of getting to know colleagues over lunch or coffee or cocktails or whatever weren't possible .

So they were limited to phone , video and IM chats . Now , while on the surface everything appeared cordial , there was no denying that my client wasn't part of the inner circle and she had a ton of proof points for this .

You know , when she would try to join in on IM conversations , her comments were unresponded to but everyone else was actively engaging with everyone else's comments . So it's very clear that she kind of felt not welcome . When my client would propose new ideas in staff meetings or for how to improve something or introduce new processes , no one supported it .

Instead , they either were silent or maybe would offer up a half hearted . Oh , we tried that and it didn't work . And my client knew that when it came to being in a new role , she knew that remote working was not her friend .

And for the first few months she told herself you know , it's just going to take longer , right , I'm just going to have to work a little harder to get to know my teammates , but once I do I'm going to have the same productive relationships that I had in my last job .

But for her , when she hit the six month mark she couldn't deny it she was feeling isolated , kind of rejected and definitely disconnected from the team . And for the life of her , no matter how she thought of it , she could not see a way out . She couldn't figure out a way to change it and she just kept going back to but I can't be in person , I .

I can't connect with them and the way I would normally do and I just feel like this isn't going to work . She kind of felt hopeless and all alone , so much so that she'd kind of given up on the job . And actually the reason she came to me in the first place was for help on preparing for the job search that she was planning to spin up .

Now , with my clients , even when they come to me cold wanting to do a job search , I never start with diving into the resume or job search coaching . We always start first with their inner reason for leaving . What are they thinking and why do they think this is a good idea ?

Because , especially in instances like this , my client wasn't planning to leave , because they were seeking an opportunity for growth or a next level or whatever they . They had that right . They had just gotten a very big promotion . They had built a great history at this company . It was a next level opportunity .

They were now leading a team , learning a ton of new things inside a company that she really likes . She believes in their mission , she loves the industry , she likes the people she's met up till now , and she had really thought that this company could support her long term career growth for many years to come , if not forever , depending on me .

She was open to changing at some point , but she just she , just she just up until this point , hadn't even considered leaving . She wanted to leave . Now , though , because of how she felt inside the job .

She was feeling rejected , isolated and increasingly frustrated , and these emotions were caused by what she was thinking , and we uncovered all of that through this process and as she started to get in touch with some of the thoughts that were behind her feelings of rejection and isolation and frustration .

Those thoughts were things like these people are clicky , so judgment right , she was judging them . They don't like me here she's leaping to conclusions or they're going to undermine every idea they have , and as we got into that one , I was like are they really undermining it or are they just not maybe understanding it or not sure where it's coming from ?

They don't know you right and maybe you're not explaining yourself well enough . You don't have the relationship with them or the long-tenured history with them where they can finish your sentences like they can do with each other .

And while on one level it's understandable that she would be thinking these things , given how you know what was going on as we probed it more , the truth of the matter is she really started to own the fact that she was leaping to conclusions because of the things that were going on and maybe some of her own insecurities about things she had felt right around

the time she got promoted , like she was wondering am I up to the task and can I do this ? Can I perform at the same level at the next level ?

So she brought those self-doubts in with her , which we eventually kind of got to as we started exploring her thoughts and she realized that when things started not going very well or it was taking longer to build relationships or whatever then she would have liked , the real genesis is that she was making the things that were happening mean that her original self-outs

about whether she could really be successful in this role mean that those original self-doubts were true . You know , she doesn't really know how these people feel about her and we really explored that . The only thing she can know is that she doesn't know them very well , and we all know how that usually works out , especially in big companies , right ?

I mean , when people are unfamiliar with someone , many times they won't put their trust in them or overtly support their ideas because they don't know them . They don't know whether or not that person is trustworthy or their ideas are good .

Trust and reputation are built over time and in a 100% remote work environment that many of us are still living in , building that trust and reputation with an entirely new set of colleagues requires a completely different set of actions .

So as we probe the actions that she'd actually taken to get to know them as she introduced herself into the new world , she quickly realized that the things she'd done weren't enough . Sure , you know she'd scheduled a one-on-one get acquainted Zoom with each person at her peer level .

But she thought that she'd just built her personal reputation and relationship as she went along through their regular natural interactions in meetings and such , and what she hadn't done is factor in the difference that a remote work environment makes right the bar's higher . You have to do more to build relationships when you're fully remote Doesn't mean it can happen .

It can , but it might take a little longer and you certainly are going to have to do different things .

You know clearly her old approach to building trust and productive working relationships was not going to be enough in a remote environment with this particular set of colleagues .

So as we explored their possible reasons for why they might be responding that way , she realized that instead of them not liking her or supporting her which is the original conclusion she'd leapt to they might actually just be a little hesitant . They didn't know her and they may not even know anyone who knew her in that other business unit .

They clearly needed more time and more interactions before she was going to be welcomed into the group or trusted and liked enough to have the easy camaraderie the rest of them all enjoyed .

And she also admitted that it wasn't really fair of her to just expect people she didn't know to automatically support her ideas just because they were all on the same team , and she realized that she hadn't really even been connected to the fact that that was an expectation she had . People don't just have to support your ideas .

You , as the generator of the new idea , need to do a little influencing and salesmanship , and she realized that she needed to work a lot harder to pre-sell them or socialize with them or get their input , with each person individually , before just tossing them out there at an idea and expecting everyone to just love them .

She realized that , as the newest member of the team , it was on her to have a better strategy for not only getting to know each one of them as people , but for finding ways to enlist their involvement and support in the idea she was trying to spin up in this new role .

And , as we discussed all of it , what she realized was that a reason for wanting to get a new job were her ill-advised .

She was actually really these are her words trying to run away to some unknown greener pasture , when , in reality , she'd probably be working remotely there as well , right , and potentially have the exact same hurdles she has right now to overcome with remote colleagues , and that it might be in a company she likes less than the one she's currently in .

And so , as you might imagine , she changed her mind . She decided not to leave , and , instead of working on her job search , together , we worked on helping her choose a new approach to introducing herself to this new set of peers in this new next level job .

And it started with a thought that she chose , which is it's on me to build the relationships that I want to have with this new team .

This thought made her feel focused and determined and it let her inspired her , really to create an entirely new strategy for networking and getting to know these people , and they included more regular touchpaces , more upfront check-ins when she was driving a new strategy and , maybe most importantly , a commitment to keeping control of her own thoughts and to stop judging

her colleagues' actions and leaping to conclusions about what those actions meant , and instead to commit to giving it time and to building the relationships , maybe a little more slowly , but to believe that eventually , if she kept at it , it was going to happen . This is what I mean by the power of inner leadership . This is what I mean by having self-command .

You cannot just take what appear on the surface to be smart actions . If she had , she would have left for greener pastures that may not have been green , they may have not turned out so well . She may eventually decide to leave If she can't break in .

Maybe this isn't a good fit for her , but she can't know that at six months , in a situation that is fully remote , she just can't know it . Enough time hasn't gone by and she hasn't done enough creative thinking on how she can actually get to know her colleagues .

When you learn not to leap to conclusions or have instant reactions or rush to judgment , that's when you operate from your most powerful place , the place where you're in charge , no matter what's going on , where you show up as your best , most authentic self , and that is the only thing that is going to lead you to not only the career you want , but the life

you want to , and that is what you deserve . Until next time , make it a great week . My friends , do you have a life coach ? I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it . Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level .

Don't forget the thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career and life everything you dream of . We'll see you there .