Ep 152: Managing Through Peaks and Valleys at Midlife

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends , I hope you had an amazing week . Today .

I want to talk about something that by the time you get to midlife and you know that is what we focus on here at the Purposeful Career , by the time we get to midlife , we are all very familiar with the peaks and the valleys that we're inevitably going to experience as we move through our life .

But I believe , being firmly centered in midlife myself , that at midlife I do think there's more robustness , I think , to the peaks and the valleys . I believe so . I think it's a time of turbulence for a lot of people and we've talked about a lot of the whys on that on this podcast , so I'm not going to go necessarily into that .

I think we all know what a peak and a valley is , but I want to kind of talk about it maybe in a different way , and I want to give you six things to think about when it comes to managing through the peaks and the valleys that we're all inevitably going to experience .

Because I think , you know , one of the things we all love , I know I think about this all the time . I think , well , why can't I just , you know , make the best decisions and then just experience a never ending series of peaks ? And the reason for that is because that would be called a plateau .

It would be a life that's very one dimensional and it's all a win and everything is amazing and it's all daisies and butterflies and , you know , just a nonstop series of winning . And that sounds fantastic , right ? I mean , if you're a sports team or whatever , we all love to win .

We all have those moments in our lives , whether it's , you know , personal or professional , and we have those moments that we look back on and we think what an amazing feeling it was to do . Whatever the thing is , it does feel good .

But I do believe that the human experience is inevitably a mix of good and bad , for a reason I think that without the valley , the peak has less meaning . If it's all upside , if it's all good . How do you know that it's actually good ? And I know it's easy to slough that off and think you would know , but I don't think so .

I think it is the part of the design of our life , part of the purpose of our life is to experience both , and so it's really important , I think , to understand if we're going to experience a mix of ups and downs and highs and lows and wins and losses .

I think it is important to build the muscle of how do we manage through both , because even the peaks can bring a challenge .

You know , I was on a client private coaching call the other day and we were talking about this client's life and you know , like everyone's , there's a lot of things going well and there's a few things that maybe he is in a little bit more of a challenge , challenging season .

And what was interesting was a lot of the conversation for a while in that session really centered on , you know , what do you do when you're at the peak and how do you get the most meaning from it .

You know , and it's kind of like my chiefs fans friends are gonna hate me for saying this , but it's kind of like how I feel now about my Kansas City chiefs , like there's a lot of Fans now because they've won a couple Super Bowls and you know we have a great quarterback and you know it's a fun time to be a fan .

But for me this time is a lot different . Post winning that first Super Bowl , like four or five years ago , whatever it was then , the 35 years before that , that I was a fan , since I was a kid , right , and you know I used to tell people I was a cheese fan and they would be like why ? They were truly confused .

They were like I don't understand , like why don't you pick a team that actually wins ? And I don't know , I just was a fan . I grew up in the Midwest . For most of my life the St Louis didn't have a football team . They don't have one now .

They've had a couple over the years , but so I just always attached to the chiefs and they've just been my team and I will say like it was very sweet in those years the longing for the goal , the longing to win the Super Bowl , the Promise of what that would feel like , what that would be like , and I will say like the lead up to when we actually I'll

never forget it , you know , in 2019 or whatever , when we actually , you know , got to that place where we won the AFC and and we were headed to the Super Bowl . It was this very surreal out-of-body experience for me and it was really exciting . And then when we won , that was very exciting . But right after that , I don't know , it was like the next season .

It wasn't that , it wasn't exciting and everyone was talking about like running it back and doing it again . But for me , I don't know like it was . I'm not gonna say it was a letdown , it wasn't , it was super exciting , it was amazing .

But when we experience something that we've longed for , that we have Worked so hard for , and then we get it , I think there's this inevitable moment of now , what , what do I long for ? Now ? You know , there's a part of the human experience that loves the longing and loves the striving and loves the dream .

And when we , we imagine that , when we get the thing , it's just going to be this amazing Life , that where we're fulfilled every day .

And the truth of the matter is that a lot of times , just on the other side of the peak , there's a valley that can be created by by just the , the mindset and the emotional shift of what it means to actually now have the thing and to be Realizing that that thing didn't actually change anything .

It was fun to get it , it was really fun to long for it , but now that it's happened , now what ? And it kind of send you into Another you know , a valley just on the other side of that peak right , because of how you feel about it and how you're dealing with it and all that stuff .

And I know it can sound a little crazy , but if you look at your own life , I Think you can probably find instances where you relate . You know , just after you get the big promotion the month or two into it , the afterglow starts to wear off . Now what are you left with ?

Right just after you , you plan the wedding and you plan the wedding , and you plan the wedding and then the wedding happens . And just on the other side of it , you're dealing with real life and that's a little less romantic , it's a little less Glamorous , right , it's , it's all of it , and I've never had children , but I would imagine that's the same right .

Then nine months and the ten months , and like getting the nursery ready and the . You know it's all exciting and then they hand you the baby , I'm sure and you're , I know I would be like Are you coming home with me because I'm not sure what to do now , right ? So I'm , you know , it's just like we get the thing , and then it's like , now what ?

And Reality sets in and it can send us into a bit of a valley , right ? And I just think that's part of the human experience

. So I want to talk today about peaks and valleys and Six perspectives that I think you might find helpful , no matter what season you're in and like . So let's go ahead and dive into the six things . So the first thing is that how you feel really depends on how you view the situations that are served up to you , right ?

So how you feel every day , whether that's good or bad , is really about your response to the thing that's happening .

So our perspective on things are what you know Determine how well we do in our life and how well we manage through the things that happen to us , and so it's important , if you're in a valley , especially , it's important to separate the thing that's going on From you and your individual worth .

And all of that Because a lot of times and we'll talk more about this in a minute . But sometimes the values we find ourselves in are sort of of our own making . We'll talk more about that in a minute .

But even if it is of your own making , even if you made a decision that just didn't turn out the way you wanted or whatever , if you're in a bit of a valley right now , how well and how quickly you managed through that is going to depend on what you decide to think about it .

You have to separate your emotions from the thing that's happening , and the way you do that is by changing your perspective of how you think about the thing that just happened .

So if it's a layoff , if it's a divorce , if it's something that's happening with a family member's health or a child's , making a decision that you don't like or whatever's going on at work and there's millions of things that that could take the shape up whatever is going on that has you in a little bit of a funk .

It's important to just kind of allow that circumstance to be and to decide on purpose what you want to think about it in a way that's going to serve you . If you make it mean something about you , if you make it mean something about your worth , if you make it mean something about your constant , never an extreme of bad luck like .

Whatever your thought pattern is , you're going to stay in the valley longer and you don't want to be in the valley any longer than you have to be right .

So it's important to really decide on purpose how you choose to think about that thing and that will get you through it faster and I think in a more it'll make the valley more tolerable and it'll also set you up , I think , to learn the best lessons from being in the valley . How did you get in the valley ? What led to the valley ?

What can you learn from being in the valley ? And that makes , hopefully , the next valley even more tolerable . So it's kind of a muscle I think we can build as we go through life if we're really purposeful about how we decide to work through our peaks and valleys .

So that's number one is how you feel every day when you're in a peak or a valley is really about how you choose to look at that situation . I think that's especially important to know if you're in a down cycle or a low value cycle or a valley to choose your way to refer to it . I'm going to call it a valley in this episode . So that is number one .

Number two I think this is super helpful to know , because I think it's just the way the world works , and I think it was designed this way for a reason , and while we wish maybe it was a little different and that we could stay at a peak all the time , then I would argue that it's not a peak , it's just a plateau , and it's a low grade home , and I

think we wouldn't appreciate life as much . So the truth of the matter is , though , that peaks and valleys are connected . They're not separate , and I think a lot of times we think they are so , and here's what I mean by that . So you have this win , let's say you're coming off of a high , you're coming off of a win .

The truth of the matter is that a lot of times not always sometimes things will happen that we just have zero control over , like . We get a huge promotion , maybe , and then there's some sort of merger that takes place that changes everything , or your boss leaves , or there's some big reorganization , or whatever .

You don't have any control over that , and it can move you very quickly from the highest of highs in a peak after a recent promotion down , plummeting to the depths where you're even worried about keeping your job , like that happens every day and that's just out of your control .

But a lot of times and I think most times if we're honest with ourselves and we look at our life in every facet , the peaks and the valleys are actually connected by a thread , and what I mean by this is mistakes , sometimes , that we make while we're in the good times .

So while we're in a peak , can become the challenge that we deal with tomorrow in the valley and , conversely , the wise things that you do today when you're in the valley so back to number one , like choosing how you want to think about it , deciding on purpose what you want to learn from it , what you want to do next time , can become the pathway to tomorrow's

peak , tomorrow's good times . A lot of what we experience tomorrow is going to come from what we decide to do today , whether we're in a peak or valley . So that's not to say that if you're in a valley it's all your fault .

We all make mistakes , we're humans and we can examine a situation from every angle and make what we think is a bulletproof decision , only to find ourself Really in a place where , even if you went back with all the data that you had , you'd make the same decision . It turns into something short , maybe nothing short of a disaster .

I've had many of those in my life where it's like wow , and then you go back and you think , what would I have changed or what could I have changed ? And the truth is that , with all the data that I had , there was no other decision to make .

There's other times in my life that when I'm honest and I look back , it's like , oh yeah , I just chose to ignore those three data points and I only focused on the things I wanted to see . That leads to a valley . Does it mean I'm bad ? It doesn't mean I make bad decisions . Does it mean I'm doomed ? It doesn't mean any of that .

What it means is that I made a set of decisions that led me here , and I think the very important thing about being intentional in what we think is that , instead of blaming ourself , instead of making ourselves wrong or bad or doomed , that instead we just say you know what , you're right .

I just chose to ignore these three things , or I didn't see them at all , or I didn't ask the right questions , I didn't pay attention , I didn't . Whatever it is .

Look at what happened that led you here and look for your role in it . You may or may not have one , but it's helpful to look at it and to see , because that gives you more awareness and tools in your arsenal to make the future , your future , look better . Your peaks and your valleys . So just know that they're connected .

They're not these separate things that happen Sometimes . They are . Sometimes it's 100% out of your control and now you just have to respond to it .

But a lot of times , if we look back on our life in every dimension work , health , relationships , money , whatever if we're really honest with ourselves , you know the things that we decide today lead to the things that we deal with tomorrow , and that's just the way it is .

So it's just important to always pay attention and to learn the lessons and to be as intentional or as purposeful as you can be every day . None of us are perfect . You're going to make mistakes , but the peaks and the valleys are usually connected in some way .

So , number three during the peaks , we tend to , as humans , really relish in what we have , but sometimes we don't allow ourselves to really see it or experience it . Sometimes we dismiss it , call it luck , right , we don't really own it , we don't feel like we earned it right .

Or we can get there and just feel empty , right , like sort of like what I was saying about my chiefs . You know , I'm not saying I feel empty . It's fun , I still am in the football season , I enjoy it , but it isn't the same . There was something for me about the longing , you know , and oh gosh , are they going to do it this time ?

And now it's like now that they actually could do it .

You know , almost every season , I don't know , it's like I missed the longing , you know , and I know I'm going to hear about this from some of these fans , but it's just a thing , and so you may or may not be the same , maybe relate to it in some ways , maybe not , but you know , learn to appreciate the peaks . Allow yourself the moment . You know .

Get into that glow , you know , enjoy it , relish it . You know , bathe in that beautiful experience and enjoy it , because it isn't going to last . You know , and I think a lot of us don't allow ourselves to really appreciate the good stuff . We feel guilty . Sometimes we can feel a little embarrassed .

We're trying , sometimes we try to hide our success or our peaks . I just want you to really own it . We don't get a nonstop number of them right , and when you really have one , enjoy it . You know , because you know there's a valley coming right . It might not be a deep valley , but it's not going to stay at that level .

So enjoy the high and look back over your life and allow yourself to be proud of yourself . Allow yourself to experience that win and own it . You know , super , super important . Conversely , during the valleys , if during the peaks , we need to appreciate what we have , during the valleys , it's very normal for us to long for the good times .

Right , we pine over what's missing from our life . We miss the peak and we can look back on it and feel like maybe we're going to be in the valley forever . Right , here's what I want to say . If we're not super careful , we can really diminish our peaks , like dumb down our peaks , and we can take our valleys to an ever deeper depth of despair .

Don't mix the two . Don't turn a peak into a valley and don't turn a valley into a peak , and here's what I mean by the valley into a peak . You have to learn how to be in the valley just as much as you need to learn how to celebrate the peak Because it's in the valley and it sounds like a cliche , but it is 100% true .

I'm sure you'll see it if you take a moment to look at your own life during the worst times of my career , my relationships , my life , you know , just losing my parents , both of them in the course of a year Like there is a lot to be learned about who you are in the valley , even more so than the peak .

The peak to me is just the big payoff of all of the grit and the determination and the effort and that it's a beautiful place to be . But on the peak itself , there's not a ton to be learned . Maybe you can learn how to be humble , how to stay humble and how to be grateful , you know , and how to enjoy it .

But the true lessons in life come from the slide down into the valley , the being in the valley and the climate out of the valley . So I'm not saying that the valleys are more important , but I believe that you know we all look at life , especially at midlife , and we look back and think what's the point of all of this turbulence ?

And the truth is it's the ups and the downs that really are the fabric of our life . And if we did not have all of the down , the up wouldn't matter as much , it wouldn't be as beautiful .

I don't think it would just be this low , steady home of goodness , which sounds amazing , but I think it would lack all meaning if we didn't counterbalance it with with the downside , the dark side , the shadow . There's so many ways to refer to it , but I'll call it a valley here . Like don't mix the two . Don't turn a peak into a valley .

Don't turn a valley into a peak . Be where you are , relish in where you are and , yes , even if you're in a valley , relish it Meaning what did you learn ? How did you get here ? What did you learn on the slide down ? What does it feel like to be here ?

What are the lessons learned from being here and how are you getting yourself out and what are you going to learn from that ? There is a ton to learn , character to be built , muscle to be strengthened in the valley . So peaks and valleys are important .

Be where you are , regardless of which one you're in right now , and know that one makes the other more beautiful . I think it's having the both that matters . Number four we all know this , but it bears repeating we are not in control of everything that happens , and so a lot of times , if we find ourselves in a valley , we can really heap on the blame .

We can do a number on ourselves and tell ourselves that we're bad and that it's all our fault and that we wouldn't be here if we hadn't done XYZ and you know what . Maybe you did contribute to what led you there .

But I will say many times in life , especially in our career , a lot of what happens is 100% out of our control , and you know , you can't always prevent it , I guess . And so there's really only two things to do when something's going on in your life that you can't control .

Number one , you can either change what's happening or , number two , you can change what you think and therefore feel about what's happening . So you can either look at the circumstance that was served up to you that you weren't in control of , and you can say I'm out , here's what I'm gonna go do now .

I'm gonna change my circumstance right , which may or may not lead you to a better place , but it puts you in control . Deciding that puts you 100% in control , and I've managed a lot of my career in that way . I'm like you know what I'm out . This doesn't serve me , I don't have time for it . It's a lot of crap .

And here's a new opportunity that's been presented to me . I'm doing that , I choose that and that's perfectly fine . Now , that may or may not work out either , but you certainly did take control and just decide to change what was served to you , right ? So that's one way to do it . The other way to do it is to say you know what .

This too shall pass , and the passing of it might happen quicker and it'll certainly be a lot more pleasant if I just decide on purpose what I choose to think about it . Like it might be a lot of BS , it might be unnecessary drama , it might be a ton of corporate politics that don't matter .

It could be Machiavellian crap playing out Like there's all kinds of stuff that could be happening . But you can still be in control of what you choose to think about it and when you decide to do that in a way that serves you , it makes the getting through it easier , quicker . It takes less of a toll on the rest of your life .

You know you're not doing all kinds of other things like overeating and overdrinking and overspending and over all the stuff we do with consumption behaviors to try to make ourselves feel better . Like , just don't do that stuff , just change .

Just look at the situation and just decide what's the best way to look at this , what's the thing I could think that would put me in the best place emotionally so I can just get through this and move on right . So you're not in control of everything that happens . But there are two ways to take control right Change the situation .

You can do that or change how you think about the situation . So that's number four . Number five we've kind of hit on this , but I just want to hit it again Valleys are inevitable . We cannot stay at the peak , unfortunately . Maybe we can prolong the peak , we can certainly relish the peak , but we can't stay there .

The valley's coming , either through a decision you make or a decision someone else makes . The valley will come and you know how you choose to manage through the valley will determine how quickly you get to the next peak .

Very important to know and remember and I think it's empowering right when we're in a valley , sometimes we don't feel very empowered , we feel like a victim , right . We feel like we're doomed and it's easy to get lost there .

But I think it's super empowering to say you know what , like whether I did something to get me here or whether it was somebody else's thing . I have a point of control here and it is I'm gonna choose to figure out how to get to the next peak . What is the next peak , you know , and how do I get there as fast as I can .

That's gonna move you through it in a much more productive and less painful way . So that is number five . Know that the valleys are inevitable . You can't stay at the high , but how you choose to manage through it will determine , usually , how fast you get to the next peak . So that is number five .

And number six is and I think this is especially at midlife something a lot of us forget . We're young . We , I think , can be much more goal oriented . Our life is 100% ahead of us , right ? And I feel like by the time we get to midlife , we start to look at our life as closing down right and just the things that happen to us .

We're getting , you know , towards the peak , maybe on the downward slope of our career . Maybe , like me , you've lost one or both parents or maybe , you know , have them for a bit , a partner or whatever . There's just a lot of things that get served to us at midlife that make you realize , oh , this isn't gonna go on forever , right ?

And so the natural fallout of that is that we start thinking , oh gosh , I'm just gonna , I guess , ride this out , like I'm just gonna take life as it comes or I'm just gonna kind of settle in to my life and try to hang on to the things that I built . And I just wanna tell you that that is not the key to the most meaningful life .

I 100% believe that the muscle we all need to build at midlife and one of the reasons I started this business is that life is a time of renewal or not . You have to decide are you gonna shut down and just ride it out , because you can do that , or do you wanna see what's possible for yourself for the rest of the journey ?

And that is something that society , especially American society , does not teach us , right ? It's a youth-centered society that we live in , and I feel like it's embracing more older people . But maybe I feel that way because I'm older , I don't know .

But I'm just saying I do think that we're not taught to think about our entire life as a series of building , even though we know it's gonna end ? I believe that let's just pretend for a minute that we all live to 100 , that that's just what the human life is , and on day 100 we all die . Let's just pretend that for a minute .

It's like I believe that you can live and I think the best way to live is that , from 50 to 100 , even on day you know where you're 99 years old and 364 days , you have one day left .

In my scenario of made-up life , where we all live to be 100 years old and then we die , it's like I believe , on that last day , what do you want to do with that day ? That is a different way to think about it than I think we think about it today .

Most of us , most of us coast , we let our dreams go , we stop figuring out like what we want to do now and we just kind of start hanging on to what we have . And I think it feels really grassy and it feels really sad and it feels meaningless to not know what speaks to you . And if that's you right now , I just want to say it's normal .

Like we talked on previous episodes . You know I've did a lot of like , you know , finding me in life and stuff . I believe there's this societal checklist that we all have .

No one gives it to us , but you know it's like all the things that we do from age zero , from the time we're born until the time we're like 40 ish , 3940 , where you know we're born , we learn to walk , talk , we educate ourselves , we choose our career path , we choose our partner , we choose our house , we have kids or we don't have kids , and we make all

the decisions where we want to live and all that kind of stuff . And now here we are , we're usually 3940 at that point and we look at the rest of it and we just don't know , like now , what . That is where the midlife crisis comes from , 100% , and I feel like more of us than not stay there .

And I guess there's some natural next things , like if you have children , then hopefully you probably dream of becoming a grandparent . I don't even have that one and you know then what we retire and then what , like golf , like I don't know , travel a little bit and then die Right , and I think that is .

It's like the rest of it , from 40 to 100 isn't filled out and so it's waiting . I mean , I think life has always been waiting for us to choose it , but , for whatever reason , I feel like we're more actively choosing life from zero to 40 .

We are not as actively choosing life from 40 onward , or we're doing it in a way that's very limited , and so the last thing I want to leave you with is you know , number six is get clear on what you want .

Forget all the shoulds , forget all the I'm too old , forget all the crap that your brain's going to want to serve up because of how old you are and how little money you have or what people are going to think about you or whatever your thing is , and just set it all aside and treat it like a game . This is your life . Treat it like a game .

What do you want ? Treat it down . Allow yourself to dream a little bit . Allow yourself to I don't know feel the struggle that maybe you felt when you were 22 and you wondered when you got out of college , like , can I actually do this ? Am I going to be successful ?

Allow yourself to experience the wonder of that , because I have to say , like going after something new again in midlife , I think it's even sweeter . I really do . Like there's so many things I'm starting to spin up and it's exciting , right .

And if you don't have that , if you're just shutting down or if you're just coasting , or if you're telling yourself a whole bunch of things that , by the way , just aren't true , you know , it doesn't matter .

Like I might choose to start a new business when I'm 87 years old , I'm just going to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it , because it's meaningful to me . And you can do the same thing , whatever that is , and it doesn't matter . Start collecting cars , start flipping houses . Like , start , do whatever you want to do .

Go back to school and become an interior decorator . Like , go back to school and become a therapist . Like , do what you want . I know people at my age who've just gotten their pilot's license . You know , I think that's so cool . Like , do whatever you want to do .

I think it keeps you younger , I think it keeps you excited and I think , imagine the peaks to come . Right , yes , there'll be valleys . Yes , you're going to do things that you fail at . You know . Fine , try again . It's no big deal , you know .

So that's the thing is , just get clear on what you want and imagine the you that you'll become from here because you went after it . Imagine if you never really achieve it fully , even if you only get part of the way there . Imagine how different you are and how you feel about yourself because you actually did it .

So that's some perspectives on the peaks and the valleys that are so inevitable at midlife . I know that you can relate to this Everyone can .

It's part of the human experience but what I wanted to do today was offer you up some perspectives that can help you manage through both the peaks and the valleys and to experience your life and your career in the most meaningful way for you , and that's what I wish for you .

So thank you so much for listening today and until next time , make it a great week . My friends , do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach . I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it .

Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level . Don't forget the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career and life everything you dream of . We'll see you there .