Ep 142: Taking Back Control When Life Feels Out of Control

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends . I hope you had an amazing week . Today I want to talk about control , and that is a seven letter word that is huge .

It weighs heavily , I think , in most of our lives , because we all want to feel like we have an ability to control our life . When we feel like we're in control of our life , when we feel like we can direct our life , I think we all feel a little more steady . We all feel stability , safety , we feel like there's a sense of order to our everyday .

But when we feel like there are factors going on in our life , whether it's things going on in the economic climate , in society in general , or whether there are things that are going on in our family life or in our work life , or even with our health or things like that maybe the health of a loved one .

There can be this sense that our life is completely out of control and when we feel that way , we feel like we're at the mercy of life or other people and that we're vulnerable and that we're helpless and that we're heading potentially down a path that is not a path we want to go on , and there's nothing more disconcerting than that and for me .

I think this comes up for all of us in different ways , but for me , one of my big triggers personally is the political climate . So I really , for a couple of decades I was a regular news watcher . I watched the news CNN more than anything over the past couple of decades , I just was interested in it .

I like to be informed about the things going on in the world . But that all started to change for me probably about seven years ago . The last couple of election cycles kind of did me in and were in some ways very traumatizing to me . I am an independent . I'm right down the middle .

Sometimes I lean more left , sometimes I lean more right , so I'm not on a polar wing of either party . I've voted both ways over the years , but I truly dislike what is happening in our political climate in the United States right now . So that's just Carlos personal opinion , trying to make a statement or influence anyone else .

But that , for me , is something that has caused me to change my own view habits . I hardly ever turn on the news anymore . I just don't want to , I don't want to be triggered , especially since we're at the beginning of yet another believe it or not election cycle in the United States . I'm still traumatized by the last one .

So I feel that way when it comes to , I guess , the factors going on in our socio-economic political climate . I don't like it . It gives me a sense of unrest . I think another thing for me recently was probably for all of us was the pandemic .

You know this little fact that this virus took away our freedoms and our ability to connect to people and places and activities that we loved . There was nothing more out of control than that . That was very traumatizing to most of us .

I mean , you couldn't even find some of the basic items that we needed at the stores and we're still kind of struggling through the aftermath of that with supply chain . But there's lots of other things , just the social economy that we have . I call it the connected consciousness of social media .

We're all connected to each other's thoughts and emotions in a way that we never have been throughout human history , and I think that's a big contributor to the angst , right ? Is that there's this feeling of so much exposure to other people's inner lives ? That's how I feel about it , and I don't love being on social media for that reason too .

It just I feel like , you know , there are so many things going on in the world that we have such greater awareness of now because of 24 , seven news and the social media environment that just all feels like we're kind of just constantly have things coming at us you know what I mean and other people's opinions and other people's thoughts and other people's fears ,

and it's just all there for us to be close to . And I think you know the other stuff is just life that we've always had .

So you know things that go on in our work environment that are out of our control , things that go on in our family life that are out of our control , that other people do or choices they make , that kind of take our deck of life cards and fling them up in the air , right , and it just feels like sometimes that it can all be a little too much , and I

was thinking about this the other day because I , as I said , I don't usually watch the news anymore , but I flicked it on . I thought I wonder what's going on in the world and yet again , I felt that trigger wasn't on for more than five minutes and I turned it back off .

I thought life is just too short , I don't need to expose myself to this , and so I was just curious about it . A couple of days ago , I got online and I thought it might be the only one who feels this way , or , like you know , is there a poll out there that would say that this is a common thing , right ?

And the poll that I came across was something that was done , I guess , a year after COVID , so 2021 . So obviously we were coming out of a very difficult time globally .

It was a poll that was done by the Harris poll on behalf of the American Psychological Association , and it said that Americans are struggling with no surprise multiple external stressors that are outside their personal control , and that almost a third of us report that on some days , we feel so stressed that we can't function .

Now , I don't ever feel so stressed that I can't function , but I do .

There are certain things these days that trigger me , and what I read in the poll was there are certain things that are triggering these people , and so the third of the people who said that some days they feel so stressed they almost can't function by this feeling of just being out of control or that the world is out of control .

A majority of adults cited inflation so no big surprise , like the major pricing increases that families are struggling with right now . So 83% of people cited that violence and crime in our society , the mass shootings in our schools and in our communities 75% cited that .

Like me , 66% of the people feel completely triggered by the political climate in the United States . Like I'm not on either wing of either party . I'm actually a registered independent . So I'm going to write down the middle . Sometimes I lean on some issues a little left , sometimes a little right , but I can see both sides .

I wish everyone was kind of in the middle . I feel like we would all work better together , but we are not . It's a very polarized political climate . 66% of people in the United States say that triggers them . The racial unrest that's going on is Disconcerting . Just all kinds of things .

Like just people feel that society in general is a little bit out of control and that the issues are so polarizing that it feels the unrest that results from that just feels like it's very difficult to deal with . So that's not anything new , like we've always dealt with a life that was kind of out of our control .

We can't control everything that happens , right , and you know there are things that can happen in the work environment , things that happen in our families , things that happen to us with our health or unforeseen financial circumstances or like some of the factors I was just talking about .

There are things that happen in society in general that life has always been , generally speaking , out of our control . Yes , we can make choices about our life . We can and should intentionally choose our path and do our best to go into situations or surround ourselves with people and places and things and circumstances that are what we're looking for .

But the truth of the matter is other people are also involved in those things and , as a result , it's very likely that any one thing we choose is probably not going to go to plan , you know . And so I want to talk about that because when we feel that our world , for whatever reason , whatever's triggered us , is a little out of our control .

For some of us , it is a deep emotional trigger and we can have all of these thoughts that engender a sense of panic , helplessness , overwhelm and a feeling of vulnerability .

Because , you know , we feel like we want to have control over the outcomes in our life and because of circumstances that might be going on at any given time , if we're triggered , sometimes we feel like we have no control right .

We want to feel that we're in control because what we desire , as it relates to our life , is we want to feel that we have a sense of order , a sense of stability , a sense of safety right , that our life is heading in the direction we want it to go and that we're not just like a leaf blowing in the wind at someone else's whim .

You know , but sometimes we are vulnerable to the things that go on outside of us , and I want to talk about that today , as uncomfortable as that may be . And I will tell you , I'm talking a little bit about politics today , but I'm only doing it because I really was panicked

.

I don't know about any of you , but as a regular news watcher , on January 6 , 2021 , or whatever here that was it was very traumatizing to me to see in the United States of America , people attacking our capital and hanging off of the capital building and doing harm to the people who work there and actively trying to hunt down politicians elected politicians in a

free country who are just doing their jobs . You can agree with them or don't agree with them , and there's always a lot of things to agree and not agree with , but hanging off of the capital building isn't okay , right , and whoever might be offended by that not going to apologize for that that .

Still , when I see that image , it was like a deep traumatic injury to me , and I think many other people feel that way . Obviously , the people hanging off the side of the building didn't feel that way , and you're . It's a free country , you're entitled to your opinion .

I'm bringing that up only , though , because I can't think of anything in my life that's ever made me feel More out of control than that . Maybe the only other thing was 9-11 .

Like I remember where I was when I saw the planes hit the tower , was watching sienna , and in the morning when they first announced that , they thought at the time it was a small plane hit the tower , and by the time I got to work , 20 minutes later it was clear it was a terrorist attack and a couple hours later the towers fell and that I think for all

of us in the United States and , I guess , many around the world , it was a deeply traumatizing feeling and Both of those events obviously were completely , 100% out of my control , but they made me feel like I was 100% Vulnerable and that my life was potentially going to head down a path that I Didn't want , that I didn't have an ability to control .

It was a deeply , deeply , in both circumstances , traumatizing to me and Maybe to you too , I don't know , but for me that was different than other things that have happened in my life . You know , we all have things like you're working in a job that you love and you have a great boss . You have a great job , you like the contents of it .

You go on one day and something's changed and it can feel a little out of control . Maybe there's a Reorg , or the boss you love leaves or something happens and now you feel like your deck of cards has been thrown up in the air .

16 months ago I had both my parents and I thought everything was fine , that they were both okay , and now , 16 months later , I lost them both through you know life . Right , they were aging and it was their time , but it didn't make it any easier to deal with and I had zero ability to control any of it .

Right , you probably have your own things in your life that have happened in your work environment , in your family , with your loved ones , or , like me , things in the macro economic environment that you feel triggered by , and I want to talk today about what do you do and I want to talk about the simple solution to it , but then I want to kind of unpack it

a little bit and talk about the wise around it . So I think we all know intellectually that we can't control everything that happens to us . We can't control the people around us , we can't control what goes on in the geopolitical landscape . We can't control goes on in the economic you know environment .

We can't , we just can't control All of the factors outside of us . But I will tell you , we all forget that , right , and the first thing we try to do is Not control ourself . We try to control Aspects of the things around us so

that we feel better . And what I want you to know first and foremost is if you're struggling with something in your life , no matter what it is , no matter how macro it might be on the world stage , or how micro it might be just in relation to you and your health , or your financial situation , or whatever matter how big or how small it might be .

You do not have the ability to control the circumstances that Other people have brought on , because I think it's human nature to try to restore order , to try to fix , to try to course correct things so that we can feel more in control . I think it just makes us feel more out of control because actually we can't control Other people . We always forget that .

You know it's so easy to forget . I would imagine I don't have children , but I would imagine , when you see your child making bad decisions , like I know me , if I had a child , I would be like wanting to control their decisions . You know , probably , and you can't , you cannot do it . You cannot control what your spouse does .

You can't control what your children do . You can't control what your boss does . You can't control what the politicians do . You can't control what the CEO of your company does and the decision said you can't control it . The only thing you can control Is yourself .

I will talk about it to you guys next week Really and the decisions that you make and the things that you decide to focus on when the out of control stuff is happening . So for me , like after that January 6th day , I just decided I'm not going to be the news geek I used to be . I used to love to stay up on all the micro little issues going on .

Like I said , I'm not not on the polar wing of either party , I'm right down the middle but I just like being informed and I was kind of a policy geek . I sort of liked taking it all in , I was interested in it and now I can't deal with it .

I could do five episodes on why that is and my opinions of people who run for office and what their true motivations are and all that stuff , but I'm not going to talk about that today . What I am going to talk about is my response to that , because that was deeply traumatizing .

I'm still traumatized by that image of those people hanging off of that building in the United States of America . I still can't almost believe it happened . I just decided I'm turning off the news . I can't control it .

All I can control is what I bring to the world every day and try to influence the things that I can , including who I vote for and who I don't , and other than that , I just don't want to partake , I can't . It's not going to change anything for me to stay glued to the set and just re-experience that trauma .

And I would say the same thing is true if you are in a corporate situation and maybe your company's gone through a merger or they're going through downsizing . You cannot control the decisions that those above you and around you are making . You can only control how you show up every day . That is it .

And I know that feels trite and it feels like a cliche , and you might be saying I already know that .

But I'm telling you , I challenge you to think about your own things , either things that are going on right now or things that have gone on , like me , in the geopolitical landscape , whether it be 9-11 or the episode on January 6 or anything else that you can think of . It doesn't do any good to stay focused on that .

You have to draw your source of control . You have to draw your attention and your focus back in , bring it into center , which is you . And when you do that , here's what happens . You get to let go of the focus on the things around you that are traumatizing or upsetting to you .

You get to look for ways , big and small , that you can do your best to bring order to your every day . To be in control of your thoughts , what you choose to think , to be in control of your productivity level . How do you want to show up , what are the things you want to do ?

Despite the chaos that might be going on around you , you can control your productivity level and how you show up your view of yourself . Right , staying very clear about who you are in your world .

Because when you're clear about that , you're going to show up as your most powerful self in the moments that do matter , in the moments where you might have the ability to influence a decision going on around you or above you , when you're at your most powerful , when you're most centered , when you are very clear in how you see yourself , that's when you are able

to bring the most to bear , to have the most positive impact on your world . Right , you can control your work ethic by staying centered , not be distracted by the crazy going on around you . Let the crazy happen and just decide . Here's what I'm doing today . I can't control any of the stuff .

I'm not even gonna focus on it , and I'm just going to focus on what I can control , which are the contributions I wanna make and the things that I wanna do . You can be in control of your schedule , your time , how your time is spent , how you wanna structure your day . Maybe you might say , well , no , I can't because people have meetings . Yes , you can .

You can actually go through your calendar . You can decline meetings and you can also proactively block off work blocks of time . So you are in control , so you can get the things done that you need to get done . So you do have a bit more control over your everyday .

You can control how you treat others , people around you , the people that you don't know , that you interact with every day , who might also be struggling .

The kindness you show to strangers , the door you hold open , the bag you help carry right , the greeting that you give to the person that you work with that you don't hardly know , the compliment that you give All of these are little things that help you feel like you're putting out into the world the things that are your values , the things that matter to you ,

the things that help your world get better . You can control what you eat and what you drink . You can control how you care for yourself . What are the things that you need in order to be your most healthy and your most fully functioning ? You can control your level of honesty with yourself about what you need and with others about what you need .

When you have that opportunity right , you can control the images and the influences that you allow in your head . So , like me , if you feel triggered right now by the geopolitical climate , don't turn on the news . Trust me , if something massive goes down in the world , you will find out about it .

You do not need to put that in your head all the time if it's upsetting to you . For some people it's not upsetting , but for me in the last almost decade it has been , and I just choose not to participate now , right , maybe someday again I'll be able to do it if the world calms down a little bit .

For right now , not my gig right , and to some extent sometimes I very much curate my social feed and I eliminate influences that are more toxic , and I try to welcome in people with perspectives that are about contributing in a helpful way , lifting up others . Those are the people I wanna be in connection with .

I do not want to be on social media for compare and despair . I don't wanna be on social media to engage in fighting with other people , whether it be about NFL teams or things that are more important than that like geopolitical points of view . I just don't . I'm not doing it right . So you can control that . You don't have to do it either .

You can disconnect from people that seem to only be there for fighting , right . You can edit the people that you spend your time with , right . These are the things that you can control . You can control yourself and I would say to you , when you control yourself , you control your world .

Maybe not the world around you , if you think about our life and our self in the world as a series of concentric circles , that sort of go out , you know , and ever expanding things . Yeah , you know when you get into the more macro economic things , or you know if you get outside of yourself in any significant way . That's not in your control .

But I would argue that if you don't focus on that and if you instead focus on you in your world , you bringing your best to your world , you putting the things out into your world that are a reflection of your own values and your own beliefs and your own view of how you want the world to be .

You're controlling your world and you're creating a cocoon of safety , a cocoon of powerfulness , a cocoon of empowerment that is gonna allow you to show up every day and bring your best , no matter what's going on .

I think we all encounter times in our life and situations where we wish things were different and we wish circumstances of our lives would take a different turn . But I would challenge you not to wait for the change and not to waste one minute of your time with your focus outside of you .

Pull your focus in to yourself and figure out how to control all the things I just listed off . How do you show up with the cleanest thoughts , with the most productive and powerful and contributing types of thoughts ? This is going to help you feel empowered . It's going to raise your productivity level . It's going to keep a strong sense of yourself .

It's going to ensure that you have the strongest work ethic . It's going to ensure that you have the most ability to structure your schedule in a way that serves you , so that you're not wasting time feeling overwhelmed and out of control . It's going to allow you to show up your best with others , with those around you .

It's going to help you implement the best self-care in terms of what you eat , what you drink and how you care for yourself . It's going to help you in your relational aspects with other people , like how you treat other people , how you interact and speak with other people .

It's going to get you the clearest on the types of things that you want to allow in your head or in your world and those things that you want to eliminate . This is how you bring control , and I know when I say that to some people you might think but that sounds very selfish .

It sounds like you're just concerned about yourself and that you don't want to help make the world better . And what I want you to know is this it's very simple , but it's hard to remember , so easy to forget . We cannot control what anyone else does , what anyone else thinks . We cannot control all the things that are going to happen to us .

We can't control any of that , and putting your focus there and trying to control it doesn't change . It Doesn't mean that you do control it . You will have the most control over your life and be able to make the best contribution to the world that you're connected to , to the people , to the work environment , to the family , to the friends .

When you put your focus on yourself , when you control yourself , when you practice the most self-discipline , that is when you show up as your very , very best , and that is where you and the ripple effect of you can have the most powerful and profound impact on the world around you .

The ripple effect of one person doing their very best every single day , no matter what kind of chaos or nefarious schemes are going on around them .

The ripple effect of that is felt very widely , I believe , and more than that even and that's a big thing for you think about how that feels when you're your best , when you're centered , when you're calm , when you're clear , when you feel that the world might be out of control , but your life , your world , you are in control .

It's almost like you build around you this little cocoon of empowerment and safety and productivity and well-being , and that is what I wish for you . So I hope you found this episode helpful .

Just remember , we all have periods of our life that are amazing highs , and we have periods of our life that are very dark and sad lows , and we are not always in control of when those things happen or what those things are .

But I want you to know that through all of it , you have the ability to control yourself , not everything going on , not the people or the things going on around you , but you . And when you do that , that is when I think you're poised to make the biggest impact , not only on yourself , but to everyone that comes into contact with you .

So that is what I wanted to talk about today , and with that I'll leave you till next time . Take it a great week . My friends , do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach . I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level .

Inside , we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it . Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash next level . Don't forget the purposefulcareercom backslash next level . Join me and together we'll make your career and life everything you dream of , and we'll see you there .