Ep 141: Conquering the 'I Don't Know' Mindset: A Journey of Self-Discovery

It's about having the clarity , self-confidence and unstoppable belief to go after and get everything you want . If you'll come with me , I'll show you how Well . Hello friends , I hope you had an amazing week . Today I want to talk about something that builds off of last week's episode .

So if you listen to that , you know that last week we talked about how not to get stuck when making big decisions , and to illustrate that , I was sharing the experience of one of my private coaching clients who's kind of I wouldn't say she's necessarily at a crossroads .

She's got a huge opportunity in front of her and it's requiring her to make a fairly big decision , one that , if she takes it , will catapult her a couple of levels up .

It potentially opened up career opportunities that she today can't even imagine and , if she turns it down , probably is going to be something that she looks back on for years to come and wonders why she didn't take the chance right . So she's still pondering that .

But we explored what it means to face big decisions and to remain decisive when doing that meaning not avoiding them .

And it was interesting because when I finished that episode I was thinking about myself Like it's funny because when I became a coach , a lot of folks told me that you know , you're going to attract people to you that reflect back to you really who you are and what the things you overcome you'll see them struggling through .

And it's been interesting because when I heard that , I thought , hmm , how would that actually happen ?

I mean , my view is that we're all so different , you know , and I mean I thought you know I'd be able to share some common experiences with people who were in their career at midlife and , you know , I think we all have some common themes that we go through .

But it has been very interesting to realize that it's true , like the people that I coach , many of my private clients have been with me for two and three years and a lot of the things that we're working through with them , or whatever , are things that have been a part of my journey , let's just say .

And so it was interesting talking about last week's episode and doing that podcast , because it made me think about where I was when I discovered this coaching approach . I think the first time I got exposed to it was probably because either late 2016 or late 2017 .

I'm not 100% sure now it's been a while , but I got exposed to this method of coaching and immediately recognized it for the huge opportunity that it represented for me and the things that I was struggling with .

Like , on the one hand , I'm a very confident person and confident in my ability to solve problems and to add value for businesses and I love what I do . You know , like the discipline of brand , like it's a true passion for me .

But you know , I was struggling not necessarily just in my career , in other parts of my life too , and as I got into this coaching approach and really started to do the self coaching work , it unlocked a lot of awareness for me on what some of the big themes in my life were and how they stretched across the different parts of my life that they weren't

necessarily confined to , like my relationship . Challenges weren't usually just showing up in my relationship .

When I got honest with myself and looked across , using this kind of coaching methodology , I was able to see oh yeah , that shows up here in this part of my work life and oh , that also shows up here in my friend relationships and oh , that sort of also shows up in my self care and all that stuff .

So it's like I was able to see how the issues and the challenges that I was struggling with were really affecting me across the board . Right , and one of the biggest things at that time that I struggled with was this idea of saying I don't know . I kept telling myself I don't know .

And when I was going through the coach training , it was hilarious because every single time part of it was we were learning the methodology .

There were lessons , there were tests , but there was also peer coaching we would have to do and also our other peer coaches would also coach us and as we were doing it , this methodology that I'm trained in , this cognitive behavioral thing , it's deep work , it's thought work , right , and it gets into your belief systems and the things that aren't really hardwired

into your brain and the things that you tell yourself in your own inner talk track and your inner narrative . And one of the standard answers to every question that I received during my own coaching in that time period was I always said I don't know .

I'm like my standard answer and I've noticed that when I'm coaching other people in my practice , depending on the issue and I would say the bigger the issue or the bigger the opportunity or the bigger the decision is , the more weight that it carries the more often people will say I don't know . I don't know what I want to do in my career .

I don't know if I want to stay in the relationship or not . I don't know why I drink too much . I don't know why I eat too much . I don't know why I say I want to go to the gym and then I never go to the gym . I don't know why I'm always late everywhere I go . I don't know why I don't follow through with the things I say I'm going to do .

People say I don't know all the time and I did it myself . So I wanna talk today about why do we say we don't know when we actually really do know , right ? So the truth is that when we try to look outside of ourself for answers , it's really not the right place to look .

And there might sound funny coming from a coach , because people pay me to help them find answers , but I help my clients find the answers in themselves . We explore who they are and what they want and get really clear on that , and the answer comes from themselves . I do not ever tell my clients what to do . I don't coach from we call it the A line .

I don't coach from the action line . There are times in my practice when I'm trying to teach someone something that is more of a technical skill , like how to position themselves in a resume or some hacks they can use during job interview or things like that . That's different . That , to me , is a technical learned skill .

But if it's about the big life decisions or if it's about where they wanna go , what should they do , whatever , the answer always comes from them . If it's about why are they not happy ? If it's about why did they do the things they do I don't know the answer to that .

For them , they know the answer , and so a lot of what we do is we work on it until they allow themselves to know , and that's really what it is . You have to give yourself permission to know , but the truth is like the reason we say I don't know . There are many reasons and I'm gonna share five of them with you and then I'm gonna give you some advice .

Just one very powerful question you can ask yourself to really unlock it . But I just wanna explore this I don't know thing because it is very pervasive . And listen , I know it very well . Every single answer to a question in that time period when I was learning how to coach , I said I don't know , and it took a while for me to stop saying it .

It had become a habit and the truth of the matter is I didn't wanna know the answer to some of the questions and I had to get deep into that work and understand all of the reasons why I didn't wanna know the answer to the questions . That's why I was saying I don't know .

Right , it's hard sometimes to choose between the options in our life , like the client I talked about in last week's episode who's got this huge opportunity ? In front of her it seems like from the outside looking , and it's like what's giving you pause ? Go for it . Right , it's like a huge leap forward in salary . It's everything she ever said she wanted .

But you know there's a lot of fear in there . There's a lot of uncertainty , not only just for her but the ramifications for her family . It carries a lot of weight and so she keeps telling herself I don't know and then asking herself all of these scary questions that keep her rooted in fear and self-doubt .

So if you haven't listened to last week's episode , go back and listen to that one too .

But today I wanna talk about the I don't know piece , because I didn't go super deep on that last week and I think it's very , very common and I wanna just examine it because the truth is , like I said , it takes some discipline to confidently and in the moment choose between a few different options , because if we pick one option , what happens ?

We have to let go of the other , and it's that letting go piece that's so scary , right ? Should I choose option A or should I choose option B ? And we fear so badly that if we choose option A and have to let option B go , we'll learn too late that option B was actually that quote unquote right choice right .

So we're worried about choosing the wrong path , we're worried about making an unfortunate decision , one that we're gonna regret down the road , and so a lot of times we'll say I don't know , because what we really want is for you know , like the right decision to show up as this sign from the universe that's a blinking flashing choose this option right .

You can't go wrong . This is the sure thing , this is the right thing . We wanna wait for the sign and I got news for ya Many times . The sign's not coming right . It's like that's not the way life works . Life is waiting for us to choose it . I truly believe that . In fact , I believe that life for all of us is a choose your own adventure .

It is literally nothing but an ever-progressing series of decisions and at any point in the road we can just decide that we're too afraid of making another big decision . Usually , I think that happens coming out of some big setbacks . I know it did for me , like that period of time when I was had discovered coaching and stuff like that .

You know , life is always a series of highs and lows and ups and downs and things like that and I was coming out of a tough decade for me on both fronts , I would say , career-wise and in my personal life , like it wasn't just that I had career setbacks because I didn't . I mean , I had some , like we all do , but I also had some huge leaps forward .

But you know , the setbacks I had were pretty severe , I would say , and devastating , and the same thing in part of my personal life at that time .

So it was a kind of a double whammy , and so me telling myself at that time period that I didn't know really stemmed from me from , um listen , I don't want to know , I don't want to make one more decision that might not turn out well , and that's kind of the truth of it . Right Is that life is a choose your own adventure , but there are no guarantees .

And no matter how much you research it , no matter how hard you think about it , no matter how much you examine it , there could be unfortunate things that you don't see , that aren't revealed to you in advance and that you only learn of after you've chosen that path .

And it's really hard to know after you're coming out of a series of setbacks and you're facing more big decisions in your future . It's very , very common to just want to pause and say I just I can't , I can't make any more decisions . And so the go-to phrase for many of us I know it was for me became I don't know when .

Really it meant I don't want to know right now , I can't deal with it , right , and you tell yourself you know , you don't know because it's safe , right , then right , I don't know doesn't require you to do anything . Your life can stay comfortable , it can stay the same , it's safe , you don't have to be brave , it doesn't require anything of you .

You can just not know . You know and it can make you feel a little confused and panicked , but really what it is is . I believe it's your primitive brain that's rooted in fear and self-doubt and uncertainty .

And again , I think coming out of probably a difficult period or facing a period in front of us that's more uncertain than the norm , that , to me , is when I don't know crops up . Like . I've coached a lot of folks that are new college graduates and the most common phrase they say is I do not know what to do with my career .

That is the most common thing . The truth of the matter is they kind of know what they're interested in .

Usually , when you get far enough in , they're just afraid to commit to it because they're not 100% sure they can do it , they're not 100% sure that it's the quote , unquote right decision and they're super afraid of what the people around them or the people that are influential in their life are going to think if they try and fail or if they actually are honest

about what they really want to go do . They're afraid they're going to get laughed at that judgment , that kind of thing . So most of the time we know it's just a lot of times we're not ready to admit it and we certainly aren't ready to do anything about it . So we tell ourselves instead I don't know .

It's like a learned helplessness thing and that allows you to kind of stay rooted to

the spot . So I want to talk about the five big reasons why we say we don't know , and these I want to go into .

I sort of alluded to them in a few of the examples that I shared , but I want to talk about each one in detail because I am hoping that if this is something that you do , if this is a habit you have , or if someone that you love or care about is constantly I don't knowing themselves , this may give you some perspective that could either help yourself or

help your loved one really see the I don't know for what it is , to keep you safe and if you understand , kind of why you're doing it , I think it helps unlock the ability to allow yourself to know and start moving forward with your life again .

So the first reason that we say I don't know , when we're asked something or when we're faced with the decision and our response to it is I just don't know . I don't know what to do , I don't know what the right thing is , I don't know .

The number one reason is that we haven't yet mustered the courage to face or see what we do want , so that I don't know many times is covering a fear of what you're going to be faced with or what you're going to need to go do or what's revealed to you if you really turn and look at the problem .

So instead you're turning away , you're not facing it , you're not looking at it , you're just saying I don't know , and sort of shrugging and throwing up your hands . The truth is you haven't mustered the courage to face it and to see what you really do want or to admit it .

And I think many times underneath that is , you have an inkling of what it is that you want . You just aren't ready to face it yet . So that leads us to number two . When we say we don't know , it's usually many times because we're afraid of the answer . We kind of do know , we're just afraid of what that answer is and what it's going to require of us .

If , like if , we acknowledge it , what we have to go do because of acknowledging it right is too scary . So instead of admitting it to ourselves , we just say I don't know . It seems safer we don't have to do anything right ?

The third reason is that you want to be accepted or approved of by the people around you or that are important to you , and there's a lot of dimensions to this one .

So sometimes the acceptance or approval is that you just want to stay in people's good graces , right , and so I see that a lot with the new college grads , and I also see it a lot in midlife with people who want to make a big shift , like you got the big career and the big successful life and things have worked out for you , but now you want to kind of

put all that down and head in a completely new direction . A lot of times you know the I don't know and the being afraid to make a decision or to admit to yourself . What you really do want is about staying in people's good graces .

It's about fear of judgment , it's about a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ability to tackle new things and be successful at things we haven't done before , or , you know , to choose a bold new path for ourselves , one that's not guaranteed right and we don't want to hear I told you so the judgment of other people , especially the people that are closest to

us , that we hold in high esteem . You know , the I don't know can really be about protecting you from that right . You're just not ready to face the criticism and the judgment of others , especially the others that you care about . The fourth thing is that we're not ready to face the answer .

You know , I believe here that we don't even get in touch with that . We just really are convinced sometimes in that scenario that we just don't know .

But really I feel like what's happening is that you just need more time to prepare yourself for what it's going to mean to know and to acknowledge it and to potentially make it yes or no decision related to that right . And so , because you just don't feel prepared , it feels too big , it feels too scary , it feels too significant and you don't feel ready .

I think the brain's protection mechanism to that is to keep you safe . That's , your primitive brain is trying to keep you out of danger . It doesn't want you to face that big decision that seems just too scary to face and so I don't know , is the perfect antidote to that . You don't have to do a thing .

You can just rest easy for another day and not have to admit what you really know , that you want to go do that . You're probably afraid to do right . And the fifth most common reason that I've found for people to I don't know themself is that sometimes we just assemble too many opinions and the opinions of other people .

Sometimes we can put more stock in than the opinion of ourselves , right ? So a lot of times especially people pleasers , people who have a little less faith or confidence in themselves , people who have a habit of people pleasing a lot of times what you want to do is you want to make the people around you happy .

I find this a lot with new college grads and stuff . They very much usually have authority figures in their life if they're struggling in this area that they're really wanting to make happy , and so they're assembling all of these opinions because they want to quote unquote do the right thing , and the opinions of others can drown out the opinion of themselves .

And when you listen to too many different people about the things that you're facing in your life or the options available to you in your life or the things that you think you should go , do or not do . It can get really confusing and for a while it can even be the very mechanism that takes that knowing that I think we all intuitively have .

We all kind of know what's right and wrong for us , but sometimes we just don't listen . And I think the longer we don't listen , the quieter that voice can become . For a while .

It never stays quiet for long and that's where the angst can come from , that nagging feeling of being on the wrong path , that nagging belief that this isn't the right person for me , this isn't the right place for me .

It's like we know deep down inside whether the things that we're doing and the decisions that we've made and the life that we have is right for us or not . But if we have too many opinions from other people weighing down on us or floating around in our head , it can really silence our own inner voice .

It'll flare up on the occasion , but those flare ups tend to be things that if we've got too many opinions in our head , we'll push away and some people , I'm convinced , do that their whole life .

They stay forever in the relationship that they didn't want to be in in the first place Because they're afraid of making that decision and facing the future alone , potentially , or having to strike out again on their own in midlife , or potentially not getting another opportunity with someone else that's a lot of what people tell themselves in midlife or making the big

career change and potentially failing at it . The prospect of that , especially for perfectionists or people who've been very successful and they're career , the idea of starting over in midlife is too scary , and so they just stay in the misery of the job that they might be very successful at but that they don't like anymore .

And I'm a big believer that you have to love what you do . You have to we spend too much time working . You have to love the things and the people that you have in your life and appreciate them , and you can only do that if you really believe that you're in the right place .

You're in the place that's intended for you to be right , and if you're not , I believe we have these nigglings of doubt where we know deep down inside that something's off and we don't acknowledge it because of all the fears and all the reasons that I just outlined , and because of that we end up living a life that's just a shadow of what it could be , and

I think that's a tragedy . I really do . You need to allow yourself to know , right ? And so that kind of leads me to do if you were that person right and this is the one question that got me out of it and I want .

It's very powerful and it's very easy to work with , but it's deep , deep work to really move from just habitually telling yourself I don't know to instead , in a disciplined way , allowing yourself to know , in a gentle , loving way , curiously exploring what the answer might be , without judgment , without fear , without pressure , right ?

So the question that you can ask yourself if you're someone who is really stuck in I don't know the question to ask yourself is if I did know , what might the answer be ?

And a great way to work with us is get yourself some quiet time in your office at the end of the day , relax with a glass of wine or your favorite beverage , sit there in a quiet place , light a candle , turn the lights down low and open up a notebook and write that at the top of the page . If I did know what might the answer be ?

Just sit there quietly and look at that question , put a pen in your hand and start writing no judgments and just keep writing and listing . Make a list and let your brain answer that question , because it will . You know , if you let it come up . And it might take a while , like for me when I first started exploring it .

It took a while for me to be able to allow myself to know and once I did a lot of that exploration , I would say it took me a month or two to really unlock the I don't knowing in every part of my life and it's something that I continue to work on to this day .

But once you allow yourself to know and to explore it , it gives you a sense of clarity and it helps you answer the question of why you have these little patterns of behavior in your life that aren't serving you .

Because when we I don't know ourselves , usually we're running from something we're running from knowing we're hiding from it and underneath that , the reason we're hiding from it is a lot of angstful emotions fear , self-judgment , self-doubt , anger , resentment , regret , fear of judgment , fear of failure , all of those sorts of emotions .

When you're feeling those sorts of things , that's the reason why you don't stick to the diet . That's the reason why you don't go to the gym when you say you want to . That's the reason why you have all of the behaviors around drinking and food and spending and whatever

. All the over-consumption behaviors exist , because we're trying to soothe ourselves and we're trying to distract ourselves and keep ourselves from actually having to face the discomfort of what we know the answer will be that is the truth .

So once you start to unlock that I don't know it gives you this clarity , not only in knowing what you actually do want relative to whatever is going on in your life that you're facing and that you're I don't knowing yourself on , but it answers the questions on all of the things that you struggle with in your behaviors the reason why you're impatient .

It's the reason why you're . It's like it just starts to reveal to you all of the patterns of behavior that you have that don't serve you because , I don't know , is like a block , it's like a trap door in our life really , and the answers to what we really want and what would probably require us to be brave and bold and confident and full of self-belief .

We try to stuff down behind the trap door and you can only , they're only going to stay down there for a while and they're going to try to get their way out right , because the life that you were destined for is waiting , and I don't know yourself doesn't help lead you to that life .

It keeps you from that life , and that's why I'm convinced there are so many unhappy people . I think that's why the world's full of all these angstful , miserable people get online and trash each other , and the whole world is fighting with each other .

It seems like and I'm just convinced it's because we're not really allowing ourselves to be aligned with what we truly want and to go after that , because when we are doing that , the truth is we don't really have time to put other people down . We don't really have time to badmouth others , we don't have time to judge others .

We're too busy going after the things that we want , right , and so that's been my experience with I don't know .

So keep in mind those five reasons , if this is something that you do , and ask yourself that question and be patient with yourself , because if the longer you have had the habit of saying I don't know and for me it was a deeply ingrained habit , I mean , it was just an instant , I don't know I would say it like I don't know and sometimes I'd be very

thoughtful with it , like , oh , I don't know . Like you know , and I truly was convinced , I just did not have the answer . But when I sat down quietly , every time I said that phrase , I would make myself calmly sit down , I'd write at the top of the page .

But if I did know what might the answer be , and then I would start writing and I would just keep writing whatever popped in my head , as crazy or way out in left field as it was , and the answers will reveal themselves on that page . I know it sounds a little woo-woo , but the truth of the matter is , and I think this is comforting .

So I just want to tell you , if you're truly convinced you don't know . I'm here to tell you that you do . You just need to give yourself time and be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be curious enough to answer that question .

If I did know what might the answer be , and just keep writing , fill the page and when you're done , take a look at it and when you see the words on the page , the parts that truly resonate with you will start to reveal the things that you've been holding yourself back from it's a really good way to unlock the keys , I think , to the kingdom of what you

want for your future , especially important if you've been denying yourself that for a very long time . The longer you've been denying yourself , the longer you've been saying I don't know the longer it might take for you to be able to answer that question . And I would say don't judge yourself , don't be hard on yourself .

Just allow yourself to be curious and let yourself explore it . The truth of the matter is it's just an exploration . That's all you're doing . It's okay . Once you see the truth on the page , you don't have to do anything about it . It might be enough for you to know and to admit it and to think about it and consider it and to not choose it .

It is just as okay to say yes to something as it is to say no . Just because you know what you truly want doesn't mean you have to go after it right now .

Sometimes it's enough to know , and it's enough to know that you have the option and that you decided , for , whatever your set of reasons are not to say yes to the opportunity , it's perfectly fine to say no , as long as you like your reasons for saying no . It's your life . It is your . Choose your own adventure . Don't hide from it .

Don't keep the things that you really want locked away behind that trap door . Open the door . Just open it up a little crack and allow yourself to peek inside and explore it .

You don't have to say yes , but you definitely need to understand the things that are calling to you , because even if you say no right now for perfectly good set of reasons , that might be the exact thing you choose to say yes to seven years from now or 17 years from now .

It's never too late , and I think the things that we want now will come back around if they're meant for us . So that is what I wanted to talk about today .

If you are someone who is firmly rooted in the I don't knowing yourself , just know it's a habit , and asking yourself that question and doing that little exercise is the key to unlocking the answers that are already inside of you . So I hope you found this episode helpful and with that I'll leave you till next time .

Make it a great week . My friends , do you have a life coach ? If not , I'd be so honored to be your coach . I've created a virtual coaching program and monthly membership called Next Level . Inside we take the material you hear on this podcast , study it and then apply it .

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