210. The 5 BIGGEST red flags for relationships in our 20s

still knowing you've kind of still excited. There is just so much to learn, so much to learn, especially about ourselves, and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and wonder and joy, and also these huge relationships. A big

part of this whole experience of this decade. Something that really makes and breaks our years and our months as twenty something year olds is who we choose to date, who we fall for who we spend our time with, you know, romantically, whether that's in a committed sense or not,

the people that we presume. I think that if you ask most of us in this decade, what is one of the things that you think the most about or which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your mood and so much else, it would be love, and it would be relationships, and it would be dating, and

it's honestly such a formative part of these years. But not all relationships are meant to be, and they're not always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've got going on in our twenties, not always who we need. Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn't enough, especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this relationship might not be going anywhere, It might be costing you a lot more than you thought it would be.

It might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that you have in this period of life, or jeopardizing part of your identity or your personhood in general. And I think one of the big regrets that a lot of people have, or something that we think that we're going to regret, we fear, is being in our late twenties early thirties and realizing that we ignored red flags in our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't good for us, and we really should have been alone,

and we really should have been with somebody better. And that's what I want to talk about today. What are the red flags specifically for relationships in our twenties that we need to look out for. What are the warning signs that something is off in a relationationship or about a person. You know, I think we all understand what red flags are. They are essentially these things that should cause us to break things off with somebody. And there are a lot of red flags that are pretty universal.

If they're jealous, if they treat you poorly, if they don't communicate or support you, if they love bomb you, if they're narcissistic. These are really true no matter where you are, your gender, and most specifically your age. But there are some red flags that I think are specifically valuable to be aware of during this decade. They're a bit more nuanced, They're a bit more specific to the life stage and the period that we're in and the

experiences that we're having. And I think My biggest guiding philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big red flags was that the relationship with the right person during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're having in your twenties, But with the wrong person you are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your friends or accompanied by family, your platonic love. Then spending these years hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong

person in the wrong relationship. There is I think a very fine line and an important line between wanting to experience love but then also knowing that you would benefit from being single. And that's what I want to talk about today. What are the red flags that we should look out for. What are the situations that we don't want to get stuck in. What are some of the things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we

have in our twenties. We have so much to cover, So, without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it. Let's start this off strong. If there was just one red flag on this list and none other, no other red flags, personally, this would be my number one as it relates to our twe so our number one red flag. If they hold you back from having experiences, especially the kind of experiences that create memories that are going to last longer than that relationship, that is not the right

relationship for you. Listen, everyone is in a different stage. But if you have big dreams of moving overseas or traveling for three months, or starting your own business or solo hiking or whatever it is, please, please, please, please, don't give that up for a relationship. A good relationship should allow you to be all of those things and more. You should feel secure enough in that connection and in the stability of your partnership to be an independent person.

Because you don't get this time back, you might not get this opportunity again. You may never be where you are now. You may never be prepared to seek out this adventure and take that risk. And if you wait for when your partner is ready, or you hold off because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't want you to go, which is even worse, I'm telling you right now, you will regret that. And the reason that I know this is because there have been studies

on this very thing. Saying no or not making a decision leads to so much more long term regret than saying yes, even if by saying yes you end up losing out on something else, because that experience, those memories will make up for what it is that you might lose. They will last so much longer, they will be such a source of joy, and they will just be at evidence that despite the barriers, despite everything telling you to stay with this person, to stay safe, to stay comfortable,

you did it. Anyways, some of the most enduring regrets that people have at the end of their life, and which they tell people who do studies on this, they stem from actions not taken. And the right kind of love will accommodate your dreams. The worst kinds of love will restrict you, will want to keep you small. So when I first started dating my boyfriend, like three months in, I kind of sat him down and said, basically, if

I wasn't dating you, I wouldn't be in Australia. I had these plans that in six months time, like at the end of the year, that I was going to move overseas, And I used to kind of always joke with people when we first met that it was like such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful to me, like the love of my life. Like part of me was like, oh my gosh, why didn't I meet him like a year earlier, when everything was still up in

the air. Why you know, why did I meet him in two years time when I'd gone and done and done those things. And I did have a moment of being like, I don't want to give my dreams up for this guy who only three months ago was a stranger. And so I talked to him about it. I said, you know, I really want to live overseas and I really really like you. I don't know if I loved him at that point, but I was like, I really enjoy our relationship, but you know, this is kind of

a deal break it for me. And you know what he said, He said, Okay, let's make a timeline. If this is an experience that you want to have to live overseas for a year or two, let's make it happen. And if you want to go now, let's make it work. And that was a huge green flag. It was like a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond our relationship, and he really appreciated my dreams, and he appreciated appreciated my dreams not just for my life, but

for my twenties. You know, I'm somebody who thinks about their twenties a lot, and who thinks about getting the most out of this decade so much. And I think that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what I wanted to experience in the life I wanted wanted

to live. So if someone doesn't respect those things, if they hold you back, if they make you feel insecure about doing the things that you want to do, if they don't want you to do them without them, I just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and that you should be free to be a person before you are a partner, to have a life before you have a relationship. So red flag number two, they are not the one if they are causing you intense emotional chaos.

There is a really fine balance between someone who is exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely destroy everything in your life your self esteem, your values, your self confidence, and that can take a long time to repair. So there was this study in twenty nineteen that examined this very thing. They examined romantic relationships in emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between eighteen

and twenty nine. And what this research suggested was that romantic relationships during this period that are unpredictable, that are disruptive or distressing, they can actually cause significant changes in our mood, significant changes in our interest in life. They can reduce our positive emotions, and they can reduce our sense of stable self worth. And that impact doesn't disappear when we leave the relationship either. It can linger, sometimes

for years. So let me explain by what I mean by intense emotional chaos, and if you relate to any

of these things, see it as a red flag. So feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible the next, without any explanation as to why, never knowing what to expect from the other person, your emotions are out of control when it comes to this person or your relationship, Crying over this person in your relationship sometimes without any given reason, Feeling nauseous or anxious about the future, not feeling like yourself if your friends notice that you've

changed or you're less in touch with yourself, or your upset feeling the need to kind of completely explode your life because of them. That is the intense emotional chaos that I'm talking about. There are a few kinds of relationships that I think create this reaction for starters, you know, relationship with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you, or who aren't right for you. And in our deepest of hearts, we know that that often elicits this reaction.

But the biggest one, that is very so uniquely twenty something is situationships. These half baked pseudo relationships that leave you feeling uneasy and unsure of what actually to expect, unsure of what's actually going on, and very convoluted. Situationships by nature are chaotic because whilst you're in them, they neither have a future or an end, so they are

constantly suspended in this emotional limbo. And I think whilst our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person, because we are connecting with them, we are building memories with them, we are sharing time with them, the lack of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and rational understanding that we shouldn't be doing that, but our emotional biological urge is doing so anyways. So basically what I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether

you want to or not. These situations can be so intense. I do really feel for anyone who was going through this at the moment. Back in like twenty twenty one, I was in this like six month relationship with this guy after the end of my first big long term relationship, and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was a complete disaster, and throughout the experience it was a state of emotional chaos. I lost a big part of myself.

I lost friends, and I lost my sense of self respect, and to be honest, I think I lost a bit of my healthy perspective on love, and it took a while to recover. It took a while to unlearn what I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because of that situation. Nowadays, I definitely value what I went through because it taught me things about myself that I never would have learned. But I would have preferred to learn them are in a different way rather than going

through that. And the biggest red flag for me should have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at the beginning, but because I was in such a self destructive place, and I'll be the first to admit it, the anxiety, the ups and downs, the jitters that you know, that was my intuition telling me to break it off. But those JITs, those experiences, this emotion, it felt fun and it felt exciting, and I didn't know how to identify what I was going through. Maybe it's a rite of passage.

I don't know. Maybe a lot of people you have to have a relationship like this in your twenties. It seems like a lot of us have. But I also think, save the suffering, save the misery, save yourself the time and the inevitable explosion three months, six months later, and try and notice those feelings when they first occur. So red flag number three a little bit different from that last one. They don't celebrate you or encourage you. Now, this is problematic to me for quite a few reasons.

Number one, quite frankly, you just deserve someone who thinks you are incredible. And I think that being celebratory and encouraging somebody is just part of being a good partner. So it kind of shows that they aren't that. And number two, it is part of a healthy partnership and it shows their commitment to your growth, which is also a great green flag. Number three, if they aren't celebrating you now, don't expect that to change in the future.

So I always say, how the relationship begins, it's how it ends. If it has begun with a complete deficit in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to

express happiness for you, that's not going to change. And number four, which is similar to number two, actually comes down to a theory known as the Michelangelo theory, which states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold us back. The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful

creations from marble. And that is what a good partner can do to you. It's not that they are like intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better person or make you into the version of you that they like. It's more that the right person encourages the things that you really like about yourself and helps you become the version of you that you have chosen to become, or who is within you. One way that they do that is through encouragement and celebration, which, as the theory

would suggest, pushes us towards our ideal selves. We obviously care about our partner's opinions, and we trust what they say and what they think. And if they are the ones who are like, yeah, that was a really great job that you went to the gym today, we feel really great when they say that they encourage us to go back to school, or if they encourage us to

pursue our dreams, that is quite motivating. And if your partner is not doing that, especially now, especially in your twenties, I think that that is something that isn't going to change, and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to your potential. You know. Also, I just think that naturally, if you love somebody, if you care about them, you want you do care about their future, and you do care about their goals and their pursuits, and you do want them

to improve the way that they see fit. I think we often think about our goals and our dreams is quite a solitary affair, especially during this decade when we're just getting started. You know, it all comes down to our discipline and our commitment, and our intelligence and our creativity and the hours that we are putting into something.

But this theory really suggests that the opposite is true, that actually it does take a village, and it's the people closest to us who have the biggest influence on whether we succeed in our dreams or whether we don't. There's also additional research that shows that having an equally motivated partner who encourages you and celebrates you, but also is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a

better person. It's called social contagion. That's what we call it in psychology. You've probably heard the quote, you know you are the product of the five piece people closest to you, and that's what this idea of social contagion reflects. Your partner is definitely one of those five right, And the older we get, the further we get into our twenties and even our thirties, and our forties, they normally

become the number one. So if they aren't in your corner, if you have a big when at work and they brush past it, if you like set a pr at the gym and it's not something that they care about or they're even interested in, sometimes their disinterests can actually work as a form of negative reinforcement, and it can discourage you from continuing to pursue your goals. You know, the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberry phenomena.

And what the blueberry theory basically says is that interdependent people bring out the worst in each other because when one person is doing poorly or failing or struggling, they bring the other person down with them. You know. It's kind of where the name comes from, is having like a punnet of blueberries or strawberries, And if you've ever had like one blueberry go bad and the punnet like quickly the whole the rest of the blueberries become rotten.

And that is what the theory is saying. Is basically like, if you are with a partner who does not encourage you or celebrate you, or who does not want you to succeed, it's not that they're rotten, but you know their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your own goals. And I know it's very easy to see dating in our twenties is maybe lower stake, especially early in our twenties, because we have a lot of time to find the one and to explore and to get

your heart broken and whatever whatever that may be. But really don't compromise on this one factor. If you're going to be in a long term, committed relationship with somebody, maybe you won't, But if you're going to, they better think that you are fantastic and they better be in your corner for everything that you do, especially especially during such a formative decade for your identity and in which

we are growing our own self worth. We want to build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever it is we're doing. So quick recap of our red flags so far. Number one, if they hold you back from having important experiences, red flag. If they're creating emotional chaos, red flag. And finally, if they don't celebrate or encourage

you huge red flag. We have two final points to talk about today, the red flags for the relationships that we haven' twenties, and we're going to return to those plus a few maybe bonus signs bonus flags after this short break. However, you want to think about your twenties, whether this is a time to get serious about your future or a time for freedom and the ability to

make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybe lows. I think that something we can all agree is that they are not to be rushed, and that taking time to know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your future is really important. I don't think that's a controversial

thing to say. So my fourth red flag for this episode if the other person wants an all or nothing relationship and wants it right away, or just wants a relationship for the sake of a relationship, so as pushing timeline red flag get out. Sometimes I think people like the idea of love more than the person that they

think they are in love or with. To them, a relationship is like a checkbox, right, something that needs to be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and to move on to the next life chapter or the next life stage. It just feels secure to be on a relationship and to be like okay, yep, got that

all tied down. These are, unfortunately the people to avoid, those who see their relationship with you as no more than a commitment to maybe what the world expects of them, what they think they should be doing in their twenties, where the world expects them to be by a certain age, you know, in love, living together, cut dog, home ownership, all by the age of thirty, and so they rush it. They rush it without respecting the need to get to know each other or the value of a slow burn

or a slowmance. For some people, that is the path that they choose to take. So I don't necessarily think this is a red flag if you're on the same page about the pace of your relationship, right, like, if you're both in mutual agreement of like, yes, we are in love and obsessed with each other and like let's move in. You know, I can't say if that's a mistake or not, because it's up to you. And if

you're both feeling that way, that's great. But I think you need to let that happen organically and when it feels right, rather than feel like you're being rushed into something rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster than the getting to no usage. So if this person is coming into the relationship wanting everything all at once, I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious motivation that is happening there, and maybe they don't even

know it yet. Maybe it does have to do with their attachment style, maybe it does have to do with past relationship hurt or trauma, but it definitely needs further exploring. Here's why I think that this is a warning sign in my eyes, Why it qualifies as a red flag. Firstly, it comes off as being very similar to love bombing.

Love bombing if you have listen to the episode that we did on this a little while back, it basically involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of love and affection as an artificial way to speed up the relationship timeline and to really hook line and sinker you, to really get you attached, you know, saying that they love you after date too, moving in after date four, that kind of thing, And sometimes that promise of exclusivity and commitment can be really nice if you've been let

down by a few duds or people who never give you what you want. But it can also be an indication of someone who is just addicted to the intensity of a relationship in those early days, or who is trying to manipulate and control the situation, or who is actually quite emotionally immature, has an anxious attachment style, so they're trying to lock you down asap. It's just something to be aware of. When we are in these situations,

we sometimes lose who we are. It can become very controlling, it can disconnect you, and I think it doesn't leave much space for you to actually think through what you might want, not just from a relationship in your twenties, but what you might want from your future. So the other red flag or the other worry that this red flag alerts me to, is this kind of relationship that

really burns way too bright. And the relationships that burn very bright burn very quickly, and we get very wrapped up in the promise and the extremes, and that can come crashing down. And I think if you have built everything around being with this person, if everything has just happened so quickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking when suddenly that is over, So it's okay to just pause and slow down. You know, if they are the one,

you will spend the rest of your life together. You know, if they are the one to worry about rushing it, the future is always going to be there. But if they cannot take over for an answer, if they cannot respect your timeline, I would say, get out. You know, I get it. In our thirties or our forties, when some of those milestones have a bit more of a crunch period, maybe we are better able to understand what we want. I get maybe the timeline's being a bit

more accelerated, But not in our twenties, Not in our twenties. Okay, our final A red flag for today number five? You just feel like different people, and from the beginning you want them to change something fundamental or crucial about themselves. Now, this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily indicate that the other person is going to I don't know,

ruin your life. It's more of an orange flag that this relationship and this person isn't right for you and ignoring that for too long, investing more and more time and energy into trying to make it work, into quote unquote fixing all these huge gaps and your personalities and your interests and your values is eventually going to lead you nowhere, and it may even lead to some regrets.

Think about it in this way, you wouldn't want to be with somebody who had this small seed in the back of their heads at all time that they wanted to alter something about you. So I do think that it's a bit unfair to It's unfair to everybody to pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to create friction. There's always going to be a friction between what you expect from them and what they're actually able

to give. Obviously, I think different is good. Different is new perspectives, Different is new places, new beliefs, new opinions, new memories. And you know, if both of you want to keep it casual and you want to learn from

each other, go for it. But when it comes to a serious relationship, like and I'm all in for you, You're all in for me kind of relationship, if there is a fundamental difference that feels like this bruise, a bruise on your partnership, a bruise on your connection that never goes away and that you keep you know, pushing and prodding, and it keeps stinging and flaring up and you just can never resolve it. Maybe they are not the one, and maybe you are better off being single

for a little bit. I know that might be something that's hard to hear in those situations when you are unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological signal or clue from within that you need to move on. I do have a very deep belief if you can't already tell that we are better off alone ninety nine percent of the time during our twenties, with ninety nine

percent of the people that we come across. If we are given the option to stay single or to be in a relationship, you should stay single because anything a relationship can give you, you can give those yourself, those same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater dedication to your growth and to your identity and to

your friends and to your goals. So the only person that I think worth not so much in losing, but the only person worth switching from single to being in a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of those things.

The only person that it's worth doing that for is somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you are not one hundred percent sure of, because I don't think you can never be one hundred percent sure, but who you are like, really fascinated by and who was obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation to grow, and who you aren't spending time being wanting

to change. You know, who aren't just in a relationship with for the sake of being in a relationship if you were two to three six months in and you were waiting for them to shift or change. I just don't think that will ever happen. And there was a study done by Business Insider last year which said, of all the reasons people break up that don't have to do with ghastly things like cheating or bad behaviors, the number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities early on.

You want kids, they never wanted them. You were a workaholic, they wanted a slower life. You know, she was really into drinking and partying, and that just wasn't who you were. It's an incompatibility that is the orange flag. You know, two truly nice, lovely people can be in a relationship together and it could just not work out because they don't mesh in what they need from each other, and they're kind of playing a tug of war. Are you going to change? Or am I who's going to shift here?

That's what I'm a really amazing doctor. Doctor Susan South from Podu University, she had to say about that. She called it a tug of war, a tug of war between two people who want to be themselves in a relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give up something they really care about to be with this person and questioning whether that's worth it. I don't think that it is. Relationships take up so much time and

they're an investment. So please, please do not think this valuable energy and space that you have in your life right now to something that doesn't feel right, especially during this period in our lives, when there are so many situations and events and emotion, even the hard ones that we would get the privilege to experience solo and that we could really grow through. So I want to include some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a

bit more obvious for relationships in our twenties. Obviously, there are some that are crucial no matter what I think I said them before, but just to clear it up, you know, narcissism, abusive behavior, lying, all those things that we would typically think of, they are for every decade, but in our twenties, I think a lack of personal boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is a huge red flag. Make sure that you get the chance to be a free bird. Sometimes you know, you

don't get these years back. I think it's very similar to the first red flag. You still want to be yourself, you still want to have things that are separate from them. I think it's really valuable. If they are extremely jealous and possessive, that is gross at any age. Get out. If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to lie about it or they want your help, run for the hills, run for the hills.

what you actually want? It doesn't matter how you choose to date in your twenties, whether you like casual dating, whether you like committed dating, whether you like polyamory, whether you like just sex, it doesn't matter. It's all up to you. But just remember respect, communication, honesty, and insincerity, but also that the other person is gentle and is just kind. That is a must, That is an absolute must. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.

As we run through some of the red flags. There may not have been some that you would think should make this list. Maybe I didn't include some that you thought were quite obvious. So if you have some additional contributions, please feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast and I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel

like the more the merrier. If there is something that you have learned from your experience dating in your twenties, whether that was committed or uncommitted, I would love to hear from you and make sure that you are following along wherever you are listening right now, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever it is. Make sure you never miss another episode. And if you did enjoy this episode, feel free to share it with a friend or leave a five star review.

And as always, until next time, stay safe, be kind, and of course be gentle with yourself and look out for these red flags for your own sake, and we will talk soon.