Transform Your Mind: 8 Habits to Unleash Your Cognitive Potential with Dr. Janine Stichter

Oh , I know what you're talking about , but share with our guests why this week was so hard on you Well on Monday I practically needed a transfusion for hydration , because I had cried my eyes out watching Jason Kelsey retire , and then I just further subjected myself to more misery by watching it over and over again , and so I finally decided that I was

traumatizing myself and I needed to stop watching it . So I think , as of yesterday afternoon , I started feeling better .

And I love how he modeled really just being raw with our emotions for people , because I think sometimes , especially for men , that's really hard to do .

Yeah , and so often when people become emotional they'll especially in my line of work they'll be like oh , I'm sorry , and how could you not be emotional when something like that was happening , or if you're talking about someone you love dying ? And so I really appreciated that he didn't do that .

He just he was who he is and he would take a minute to kind of get himself centered again and then move on .

So I love the way he just led by example and that reference in so many ways being generous and kind and humble and super transparent . So also , as we transition to our conversation today , I was pretty impressed that he was able to say super focused over what was like a 45 minute .

I don't know if you call it speech , I guess we'll call it retirement speech , right ? Yeah , yeah , and he did a great job with that , because I think it's really hard to keep your mind focused or at least I'll say for me , it's really hard to keep my mind focused .

So , yes , I was impressed that Jason Kelsey was able to maintain his focus and have like just a really meaningful hour with people , because I feel like I struggle more and more all the time to stay focused .

So , in that vein , whenever I started investigating our guest for today , she has an amazing YouTube channel and one of the first lines in one of her her teaching videos is do you often find yourself struggling to maintain focus or feeling mentally drained ?

And I was like I need to just pause there and take a moment because , yes , yes , I do and it is incredibly frustrating . So , denise , do you know what I'm talking about ? I'm afraid I do way too well . Exactly , exactly . So we were so excited when our guest today , dr Jeanine Stister , agreed to be with us on the podcast .

Dr Stister is graduate , with her PhD from the University of Iowa , but beyond that she came to Columbia . I don't know how many years ago , but she's been here a long time . I got to know her through our church and our boys .

They've ran cross country together and I have just kind of set back from afar and watched her do really amazing things , and so I'm really so excited that she's willing to share expertise with us on the podcast today .

So , dr Stister , she is a what I think I'm going to say a human behaviorist . Is that a fair title ? Would you accept that title ? Yes , yeah , absolutely . Well , what else would you tell our listeners about yourself ?

And but , yeah , I'm a behaviorist and I'm just very passionate about helping people understand how they kind of tick , especially in context , so in relationship to their environment and other relationships , and whether it's work or home or with friends or family , and so I've spent the last several decades doing everything from teaching about that to doing a lot of

research applied research with humans about how to optimize , and I really like to focus on strength based approach .

We all are naturally wired towards certain ways that we manifest our personalities and , and so what I really like to do is is help people think about how to take their strengths to get to their goals and also not work against the things that they're not naturally oriented to , because not everything has to be hard or difficult .

It can be easy and enjoyable , just mindful and purposeful , and so , aside from the university , I spend a lot of time in doing a lot of executive or business coaching with leaders , to help them be the best that they can be and then also positively impact the people that they're leading and with that I also work a lot in the health and wellness area and some

corporate wellness but just also how to help people kind of connect their mind and body in a way that really supports their goals and just to have a quality of life .

and wanting to achieve the highest potential that they can , and so we are very excited to have you here .

And also , I have to be honest , I heard some terms that I'm not 100% familiar with their definition and so I thought we might just start there .

So , like when you think about cognitive capacity or cognitive potential , because that's really the whole point of our conversation today is helping people unleash their cognitive potential , their capacity and their function you know , how would you define these terms and are they all the same or are they interrelated ?

In other words , I feel oftentimes in society we have a tendency , through a variety of reasons media and just sort of our natural nature to try to create these finite either goals or what potential means , or just like if you hit here , then you've hit it , type of thing where I define it .

So , for example , cognitive potential is depends on what you want to do , and so if you want to have stronger relationships , if you want to be more intentional , if you want to be able to juggle more balls and and get more things done efficiently , whatever it is that's driving you , how can you support your cognitive capacity to to hit those and and what does

that look like ? And so I don't have a set like cognitive capacity means , because to me it doesn't resonate with people . There's a lot of nice vocabulary terms around there and I'm just not much one for getting fancy about it , but more just really applied and practical .

And so for me it's really about in , and also I feel like we have goals that shift through the seasons of our lives and moments in our lives , and so that capacity is going to look different at different times and when we are full charge ahead of coordinating our lives and our families and all of those types of things , there might be other goals that are not

on the forefront but at another time might be , and so that capacity will shift . So hopefully that sort of answers that question .

If you want to run a marathon , that capacity for your body and those muscles is going to look a little different than if you want to go break a powerlifting record or if you just want to break up , pick up your grandkids without hurting and play with them , right , and so it's . That's how I view cognitive capacity as well .

It's just which which facets of our cognitive functioning , which ones we need . And we can get into all the fancy brain stuff , but the reality is it's just having to do with what we're focused on at that moment and how can we make that as efficient and effective as possible ? To give ourselves space for additional things or just to not even do anything ?

Exactly yes .

In the past , I think there was more of an assumption that you know , the way that we function is sort of on this bell curve and so there's this peak part of your life and then after that it's just downhill and you're just trying not to , you know , go downhill too fast and but what we're really understanding about that neuroplasticity is that that brain's ability

and the more that we provide it with different inputs and think about that , the better that plasticity stays and we can continue to grow and learn and process information and things like that .

I think part of it is that there's negativity in . In most it's kind of back to that notion of moderation and and when we do an extremes of pretty much anything and it's back to .

I think what I was alluding to before is that there is sometimes this tendency that more is always better and when we're overstressing anything and we're over pushing on anything , we can have some negatives and the negatives might not .

And I think this is a huge part of what oftentimes , you know and again it fits so well with the theme of your podcast of this what's wrong with you know , perfect , it's that if we hit this marker , that there's this , this level to hit at all times , and so the negativity comes with .

That is , if we're constantly like , oh , we've got to , constantly , you know , add more processing and do more things , and and , and nothing is ever enough .

What what happens is is that maybe the neuroplasticity continues to grow , but we are stressing ourselves out , we're reducing our bodies , physical abilities , we are maybe not as intentional or mindful , or we're missing out on connections and relationships or even just replenishing ourselves .

You know , and when I see people push really hard because this is the information age . So if you go on to the internet , there is just no end to , apparently , what we can all do . However , you know , in return we see people not sleeping , not hydrating , not doing some of the other things that actually are cornerstones to anything else that we want to do .

So that's more where that really tends to come into play in a practical standpoint .

I'm like you know , I can do it for three hours and then I walk away and I'm like I really have no idea what I just learned in the last three hours , because I'm kind of I overdid it , so to speak .

It used to be a place you put papers and you organize them , you know , and you had little file folders and whatever . And our brains work similarly to that .

Right , we have short-term memory , long-term memory , we file things in there and oftentimes people are like , well , I can't remember anything and I'm like , well , actually most of the time we can't recall where we put it , we can't retrieve it , and now some things never go from short-term to long-term memory .

But my point in all of that is is that with the extreme amount of information we have , it is easy just to keep digging and digging and getting more and more .

But if we don't have a good system for connecting that information and then labeling it and storing it in a way that we can retrieve it , we just go what did I learn or what did I get out of that , or those types of things .

I like to use the term of being responsive and not reactive , and so when I think of mind mastery , I'm really thinking about it as that I'm not walking around just reacting to everything and seeing what my capacity at that moment is , but then I'm really actually thoughtful about what I'm doing with my brain . Where am I spending my time ?

It's things that we would tell our children , like don't sit on Instagram all day long or don't do this , or those types of things , because what are you feeding yourself ? Well , it's the same thing as what am I doing with my brain ? Where am I spending my energies ?

Some of us , for example , are wired to be highly detailed people , and so we get very into the weeds , so to speak , but there's sometimes where we really don't need to be that far in the weeds .

So it's just that mind mastery of when do I edit myself and where do I put my resources and do I understand where my brain is the happiest at that moment or where I can use my capacity to really move the needle towards the goals that I want , because you know , people are very busy and so we have to sort of in my mind master a little bit of where we

spend our energies .

Right as we age , more of societal or parenting confines or parameters by which to think of things have been infused and it's very easy as adults to kind of go okay , I'm supposed to have income , I need to take care of my household if I have a family that I'm raising or relationships that I'm nurturing , and so you just get into these tasks and routines and

things like that . And so part of that self awareness to your point , robin is just asking oneself like what do I care about as a parent ? Like what's important to me as a parent ? Obviously for everybody . I haven't met anyone . It's like I'm not really interested in being a good parent , like you know , of course , we all want to be a good parent .

But you know , I've had conversations with people that talk about that they absolutely love being gone every weekend to baseball games and things like that with their kids , because they say , hey , this is quality time in the car and we're all together , and this is amazing . I have other people that say I don't want to be road warriors all weekend with my family .

That's not what family connection means to me .

I think those are amazing conversations and great examples of people saying this is what it would feel like to me to have the family or the parenting interaction or whatever it is for me , and then , based on that , then I'm going to make some decisions about what we do , whereas if we're not thoughtful that way , we can get just oh , my kid's supposed to be on

this traveling baseball team and everybody else's kid is so we're just doing that and maybe that's a great fit , but maybe it's not . So it's just things like that , whether it's work or home or those types of things .

Now I have to start asking myself some questions and not just keep moving along without saying what do I need now , or what is this going to look like , or yeah , so it's never too late .

. And when we get into the eight powerful habits for cognitive potential you know , the first few that you mentioned had to do with sleep and hydration and nutrition and I was wondering what is it about what we put in our body that affects our brains and our cognitive potential ?

But one of the one of the less understood types of things that people deal with with sleep is we oftentimes view , for example , sleep and things like that as we'll try to do what we can , but what we don't realize is that it's truly food for our brain .

Our brain has to , you know , and if you look at even different sleep cycles and that you go through in the evening as you sleep , there are parts of it that are truly restorative , and so if we skip those types of things , it is much easier for us than to be more fatigued . Our learning is gets slowed down because we are working harder to do that .

Same thing with hydration and it's and it's not that I'm just one of those people that's like , okay , you got to drink all your water each day , and those types of things . I don't love water , I'll be the first to admit it . So I .

But I also recognize that my electrolytes might not be 100% , so I throw those in some water , I make it taste better and I get that , because if you're dehydrated in your low on sleep . You're getting headaches , your vision is tired , your eyes get very tired , your your processing speed literally goes down and things become more work . And I and I never .

When we talk about physiology and biology and how our brain works , you know I always avoid speaking in absolutes , because when we talk about humans there is no absolute . There are some people that truly are optimally functioning at six hours of sleep , but most people need more than that ideally .

And very few people are actually being restored with five hours of sleep , but there are a few . So I never want to be an absolute on that , but the research is super clear on this .

I and I've worked with so many people on changing to some of those basic things , and it's not about being perfect , it's not about having the perfect diet , it's not about drinking the exact amount of ounces of water a day , but it is about am I hydrating ? Am I finding myself sluggish ? What ? What are some small things I can do that will make that better ?

Because as we talk to people , we see so many people kind of give up goals or dreams that they had or or self care , because they're just so exhausted or just so drained . So I'm like if we can tweak a few of those physical things that we do to our bodies to make that easier , why not ? And my point is they don't have to be complicated things .

They're just small little tweaks that can make a huge impact .

Okay , this is how much sleep I need , and this how many ounces of water I should drink , and these are the three nutrient rich foods that are best for my brain , like you know , and I think that that's the way some of us , the formulaic way we think oh , I'll win , I'll win , I can do these things and Janine's going to tell me exactly how to do those ,

but , but . But that becomes really too prescriptive , sometimes as well , if you have , maybe , personalities like mine .

So I always talk to people like if you up your water intake or throw some electrolytes in there by eight ounces a day , you're eight ounces ahead of what you used to be , and we can talk about adding more later . Or if you just have 30 minutes of better sleep than you did before , those are major changes and over time they really add up .

But if you spend two weeks drinking , you know half your body weight and ounces , which is , you know , the technical recommendation of water , and you get a perfect eight hours of sleep for two weeks and then after that you're like I can't keep this up and whatever . And then now you're back to what you were before , or even less . How did that help , right ?

So when I , when I work with people that have perfectionist tendencies , I don't tell them to not be a perfectionist , because that is a tendency and a natural wiring . So what I asked them to do is can you work on being more perfect , on your consistency ? So just in and what can we be consistent with ?

And if it's two more ounces than you were doing before and you can be consistent with that , amazing . And it's actually how habits are formed .

We have to build on them and they have to be ingrained into our lifestyle for an extended period of time before they're actually a habit , which , by definition , is automated and automatic , so we don't have to think about it . So I always want to work on something that you can slide into your lifestyle . Same thing with food .

You know there's all this of like have a well balanced breakfast . Well , if you're someone that's running out the door with your kids heading to work , trying to remember all your stuff and their stuff , the likelihood that you're going to stop , make a whole breakfast , clean it up all that stuff , just for yourself , it's probably pretty low .

If you've been running out the house for 10 years , you know with your coffee and that's it right . So if I can slide a protein bar that you can eat while you're driving on the way and it's already in your car or in your purse , then let's do that . And I've got more protein in and I've got a little bit more nutrient .

If you hate breakfast , then we won't focus there .

There's going to be plenty of things that get in the way , but if you can control a few of those , you feel much more empowered to keep working towards your goals . I think .

I like the way you put that , that they are definitely things in our control that we can do , and we don't have to do it like the article that showed up in the New York Times or something like that . But we can do it the way that we can fit it into our lifestyle .

So , but there are some people that really struggle with a nap because it takes them so long to fall asleep or their mains racing or whatever . There are some really nice sort of sort of neuro sound kind of apps that you can use now to help that .

So one that I use is called New Calm and there's one called Calm , but there's the New Calm one and and it has literally one of its plays is a power nap and it is 20 minutes and I don't always fall asleep with it , but I actually there are you literally .

It gets you to a point where you really don't feel like you can move your limbs that well , like it's a very , it is completely rejuvenating and and then , after I'm done with that , I'm like wow , and I've never been able to nap .

So I only share that , because there are some people that were like I would give money if I could do a 20 minute power nap , right , but they're just not wired to do that . I am definitely one of them .

But some of these neuro beats and it's just certain sound waves that that work with your brain waves to kind of deregulate your system , to bring it down and and just really get that sympathetic nervous system to kind of calm itself down , and so it's very rejuvenating . So , yes , if it works for you , I think it's a great strategy .

Well , I think that leads perfectly into discussing discussing the next few habits that you talk about , and that is that you mentioned that regular exercise and mindfulness , which sometimes , for me , those , those two habits , are almost in tension with one another , because one is like motion and the other is stillness .

So just if you could just explain to us how those two different activities work together to support cognitive function .

. So there are people I was one of them where , when I would run long distances , it was a very brain clearing mindfulness activity for me .

I'm not naturally wired to sit and meditate and just you know you , there's a thousand forms of meditation and I always encourage people to look into different ones , but the classic one that people think of is the one where you sit and you're supposed to let your thoughts go and not have and clear your mind or whatever .

Some of us are not wired well for that . Mine was . If I went for a nice long run , I was able to process things clear , be very mindful and intentional and thoughtful of what I was thinking about , and then kind of put closure on thoughts so that they weren't just constantly ruminating . And then I came back ready to go for my day and I was very focused .

For other people they're like , no , no , no , janine , I'm just trying to breathe through my exercise . There's just like there's no mindfulness there , that's survival mode . I'm like , okay , that's fair . So , but the notion mindfulness is really just checking in with yourself .

So whether you are doing it with exercise , whether you are at a stoplight and just saying how do I feel ? How's my body ? Are my shoulders up to my ears right now ? Am I just have I been like working through something and so my whole body is tense right now ? Am I being anxious about something ? So I talk a lot of times to people to also name it .

I'm feeling anxious right now because the minute I name it , then I can ask myself what am I anxious about ? And different ones . So some people do really well with journaling their feelings . Other people are like I know never . And okay , who can you talk to or can you think about it ? But the minute you label it , then you can say what's making me anxious ?

Is it an unresolved thing that I don't have an answer to ? Is it something I'm worried about that I have no control over ? Oh , I don't have control over that . Will it change if I worry about it ? No , it probably wouldn't . Okay , what can I do instead ? That I enjoy that . I can kind of shift out of this .

So it's really just mindfulness , is just really checking in with yourself , and for some people it's sitting in the morning for 15 minutes and just quiet and just kind of letting their head clear . For other people it's exercising , for some people it is literally while they're driving just going . What's my body doing right now ?

Am I gripping the wheel on my shoulders , up all those things in my tents ? And then , because the more that we are aware of what we're feeling and doing at different moments , the better we can regulate that . And then it also impacts our emotion and our mood .

And then the way that we communicate with others , because we all know sometimes when we're tense and we don't see it and then we kind of communicate it and people feel it , it creates this whole snowball of fact of just a whole lot of yuck , and so the more so . That's really what that is .

And then physical activity should really be something that you enjoy , and enjoy means I either . It makes me crazy while I'm doing it , but I enjoy the feeling when I'm done and I feel successful , and that's okay too .

You don't have to love the exercise itself , but at the end of it , if you feel like you're , like you are just you kicked butt in and you rock , that's great , but it can just be . I love my dogs and I'm walking my dogs and I'm moving and I'm doing something I enjoy .

But most of us will be much more consistent with something if it's something that we enjoy . So I always encourage people to really play with that idea and and explore sort of . And also , some people are naturally wired that they want a lot of change .

So it doesn't have to be one thing , it can be many things and just a menu of things , and they change it throughout the week and depending on whatever mood they are . I just encourage people to sort of have a short list so when they have 15 minutes they can just that's the one I want to do and I go do it .

And if so , was it hard for you to kind of let go of the identity that came with being a blank ?

After doing that for a lot of years and a lot of miles , there was a couple of things physically that were no longer serving me and my doctors were really like Janine , this isn't a good long term plan for you anymore . And I'm not saying that running always injures people . I think part of it's just the way I'm built .

Part of it is I probably made some mistakes along the way that I didn't realize it was creating . But , long story short , I had to shift . And to your point about that identity , I went through literally a year where I was much more lost in that regard , like I was doing some physical things but I didn't feel like that was me and it took several .

It took almost a whole year to reestablish my identity as somebody who was still practicing healthy things and finding what helped clear my mind at the same time , and in even finding that variation , and initially people are like , oh , you should do yoga .

And I was like sitting in yoga , going oh my God , because I was used to running and I was just like I can't do this . And then somebody told me about a class that was like power yoga , which is like kick your butt , but it's still called yoga somehow .

And so I did that and I was like , okay , I can resonate with this and now I can do the quiet yoga too , but it took a while , but it is an identity and that's also what I really work on with people , regardless of its physical or health things or anything , is Owning that too , like I was a runner .

This was how I cleared my head and for that year I wasn't able to clear my head and I was a little bit more emotional . It's a little bit more stressed and I could tell , and it just took me a while to find that .

And so that's the other thing that , as people , if they know they're going to have a large transition I kind of didn't , but if , if they know that to be really owning that identity and and then asking what , what was important about that identity , and once I realized that I needed to move and I needed to be able to process things while I was moving in some

way , like that was good for me . Then it was okay , what can I find to do that ? And so now I'm able to do that when I weight train , if I do yoga , if I do acro yoga , if I do inversions , things like that , those that fit me well , but it was very different than running .

But I had to figure out what those things were , not that I was a runner , but what was it about running ? What did I need ?

So some people love to travel and that's how they will do it . Now , travel can cost money , so sometimes we can't do that as often as we'd like .

But so to find other things so to your point , denise is like yeah , it's whatever is sort of of interest in and I'll give like I , I have people that Pick up the Rubik's Cube and say I'm just going to learn how to complete this and then I'm going to do some challenges Because they can do it while they're watching tv , they can do it while they're waiting

to pick up their kids , you know , add an activity or at a break from work . So it's just something to give a different input than the normal .

It can be something , um , like and I've had people where they decide that they want to get better at PowerPoint Because they use it enough , and so they're learning all the different , you know , because we all know , with software , there's like an endless amount of things that we can do With software , and so they're like I just want to learn how to do it

different than I've ever done it . And or add animation or something that I've never done , and I do slide decks all the time , so it can even be within something that you're used to doing . But adding that or to your point , reading a book or watching a different documentary , or if it's a um or a cooking class or whatever it is .

And one of the things I want to mention too is I've worked with people where , like , we end up in a , they end up going to a cooking class . They're remotely interested in cooking , but what they need is Different people to be around , because their circle got really small . So sometimes it's even like a slightly Sure .

I'll learn how to cook some more , bake some more , whatever you know can't hurt . But the real goal is I want to stimulate my mind by being around different types of interactions , even Because I have a very set ones that I'm used to . So , yeah , I view it as sky's the limit , but but the way I just encourage people to think about it is different inputs .

How can you get a different type of input Then you're used to , to getting , whether it's tactile or whether it's fed to you , or whether it's interaction or physical , even because For me , for example , when I do do some of my more balance or acroyoga poses , where I'm doing all these kind of things in the air and hang whatever , that's a different stimulus for

me . I have to work on my balance , I have to be intentional , I have to be focused and I have to be planful . So for me that's a very different stimulus than the work that I usually do all day or the interactions that I have . Right .

So practicing self-discipline , so these things we've kind of talked about , they kind of all seem to encompass being self-disciplined and for me sometimes that's easier said than done . I think for a lot of people that can be .

You know , I'm going to be more self-discipline , which for me , oftentimes I'm going to means I'm going to take something out , like I'm not going to drink any alcohol this month , or you know , I'm not going to eat any sugar or whatever . And then also , you know I Miles is here at my feet .

You know I'm going to walk , walk miles every day this week for 30 minutes , not because I need to walk , but because he does . So , having said all that , um , how do you propose people become more self-disciplined ?

Right , because we think of it as as sort of an impulse control , or like I have this perfect set of behaviors that I'm engaged in and what , what we know .

Well , there's lots of things I guess we know , but one of them is that , um , instead , we don't do well with taking things away , so I always like to add things , and when I add them , oftentimes if they replace something that I would like to do less of , then it's like a better swap .

Yeah , so , instead of telling your brain that I'm not going to have alcohol , it might be like , hey , I'm really enjoying . You know , each evening , when it starts to get warm out , I love sitting on the deck with my husband and we have our wine .

Maybe I'd like to do that less than every night , or something right , like I want to taper that down or something . So , why ? Why do I enjoy this ? I enjoy it because I'm spending time with my husband , the weather is beautiful and it's a connection . What else might Encompass all those things , and they probably don't have to include wine , right ?

So a lot of times when I , when people have a goal , the first thing I want to do is say like , why are you doing the current behavior and what can we do ? That still gives you that same why ? And there's a lot of behavioral principles that are pretty well .

I won't go into them here because it's probably not that relevant , but we know this to be true and so , if I can find out the why you're doing what you're currently doing and you want to shape that a little bit , it's just adding on .

So to my point on self-discipline , it's about taking small things that you want to change or add on or do and then being consistent with them , as opposed to .

I just went in my pantry and I got out , got rid of every processed food and I'm going like all organic and whole food from now on , which for most of us lasts maybe a week if we're lucky , and then we just kind of go .

That's too much right , and I'm not knocking it either way , but I'm just saying we have a tendency when we think of disciplined is like okay , starting tomorrow , I'm doing all of these things , as opposed to I'm just gonna add that two ounces of water , or I'm just going to do something small and consistent .

And the reason being is because if I can reinforce myself for small wins and Denise mentioned this before if I have some success , I'm more likely to do more of it .

So the mistake that a lot of us make is we have these lofty goals and we try to do all of that , then we don't make it , then our self-esteem gets hit on that or we feel less successful , we stop believing in ourself as much and that builds up over time .

So the self-discipline I like to use the term because I really want to get people to have a different mindset on that term Just means I'm gonna pick something and I'm going to do it and I'm going to celebrate the fact that I did it and I'm gonna build that up so that I'm increasingly more excited and more happy to do that .

If we're not careful , the workplace dictates some of that , our children's activities can dictate that , and so which people in what kind of connections and how can we make them more meaningful is super important , as we are in our adulthood and thinking about , because a lot of us , when I talk to people , there are some either not strong enough connections or there's

just missing types of connections that once we kind of explore that , then again , if I can articulate it oh , I don't have that go-to girlfriend and I'm somebody that just wants that person that I can call up at any time and just verbally just let it out and they got my back . I don't have that right now . I used to have it in college .

She moved away , we did this . Where can I find that again ? Or , and again we can't like I don't know , google it and go oh , there's my friend that's gonna be that person now . But as long as if we know that we're looking for that or that that's important to us , then it's easier to cultivate those .

We were created for that , in the image of God , and so I totally , 100% agree . And I'm chuckling in my head because , as we were talking today , I was thinking about how many of these eight things can I do at once ? This is the way I work . So I was like so my running girls , who I adore , right ?

So I get this deep , meaningful connection with them , I get exercise and doing something I enjoy . And now the smarty pants of the group , which is not me , has laid down this challenge that we do the New York Times Connections every day . Are you familiar with this game ?

I'm not , so it's on the New York Times app , next to Wordle , which I love , wordle , and Wordle has become easy . Now , right , I'm gonna celebrate that success . There you go , but connections there's 16 words and you have to group them in groups of four and you get four chances to miss or you lose that day .

So anyway , my friends , we have the Connections Challenge , which is ironic because not only do you connect the words , but the Connections game connects us as well . So I love that and I hate that all the same , because my brainy friend is so much better at than I am and I'm like I'm supposed to be the word person . She kills me every day .

So , having said that , if someone is not really a joiner or they're not comfortable putting themselves out there , how do you suggest that those people initiate habits that help them find that connection that they're looking for ?

But the way that communication works is you have an initiator or responder and a continua right , like it's a server , and then it's a tennis bally thing . So if you are not an initiator , it's super important to tell the friends that you do have or the people that in your life hey , I value spending time with you . I value so much when you ask me .

I struggle with initiation , but I so much value when you do it and it is a strength of yours . You're naturally good at initiating it and I feel very blessed and appreciative to have that . Please never stop and I will always respond . So then the trick is you need to be an amazing responder . You need to be that person that they initiate .

Let's say to a group you'd be the first one to respond things like that . So that's what you bring to the table . But it's really important when you tell people that are in your life , even if it's like , oh , here's the other moms or dads at baseball , whatever , and once in a while they'll be like , hey , we're gonna go grab some food afterwards .

You wanna go ? Even letting them know , gosh , I always appreciate that you initiate . It's not my strength but me , and I really enjoy this Because a lot of times people value oh well , I'm always initiating and they never do , and so they must not really enjoy this and they're just being nice .

So we have to tell people , if we're not a strong initiator , that we aren't , but that we really appreciate it and we'll be . We always , we'll be that responder . We'll be right there Then also . So that's my number one tip .

The second tip is , then , to not think about it as putting yourself out there , but what is an interest that you have that you can pursue in a more communal setting . So if it is so , for example and there was running , right , if you tend to run by yourself , but maybe on Saturdays you go and run with the running group .

Maybe in general you prefer to run by yourself , but it's an opportunity one day a week where you go with a group of people that have a shared interest and that's a way to connect . It's the same thing with my . The one woman I worked with was really struggling in the evenings and she was acquiring some bad habits because she was lonely .

So we really just went through like 15 different things Do you like doing this , doing like this ? And she was one of the ones that , like cooking is like . I enjoy it and I'm kind of don't have any new recipes and I've been doing the same thing .

So we just threw her in a cooking class and the goal wasn't really to be that much better of a cook , it was just she and her husband .

But she met other people that she could share ideas with and other women , and that allowed her to , because if you're not a great initiator , it really helps putting yourself in something that naturally has a structure that connects people .

So anything like a class , anything of those types of things , if you just go to a big group meeting where one person's talking to a whole group , it can be kind of hard . But if you do something like a class or a volunteer that's the other thing I talk about is is there a learning opportunity or a volunteering opportunity ?

What an amazing place to meet people . And so those are usually the first two things that I talk to people about and also to give themselves grace about . Just go to it and you don't have to have any expectations . You don't have to walk away with 10 new friends . Just get comfortable in your own skin in those environments .

Yeah , every single time there's your sign , like she appreciates it and enjoys it . But we just sometimes yeah , it's hard to get out of our own kind of perspective of something . Though how could that be that hard ?

If people wanna learn more about all of your teachings and get more content from you , where would you send them ?

And then I also , as you mentioned , have a YouTube channel and it's just Jeanine Stister PhD it's just the name of the channel because I'm just not that creative and so I have content there and then people are , and then , of course , I'm on Instagram and Facebook and all those things .

. Thanks for listening to the podcast . We're honored you're sharing your day with us .

Or if you have a topic you'd like us to discuss on the podcast , use that same email the problemwithperfectatgmailcom to send us your ideas or feedback . We love hearing from you .

And while you're there , make sure you've subscribed to the podcast so you never miss an episode , as always a special shout out to our editor , jordan Overkamp , for making us sparkle . And remember , there's always enough grace for you today , so be sure to give it to yourself .