Miscarriages: How To Help Families Navigate Loss

So yeah we're hosting the rehearsal dinner tonight and we're doing it at a shelter at a park up the road , really close to our house , which is fun because it's kind of like halfway between our house and Rachel's house , so kind of right where the kids grew up , which is sweet . It is supposed to rain , so I'm just praying for not a blowing rain , right .

No storms , just like a simple gentle rain . That reminds us that God is the provider of all things and sometimes we need to be watered . But beyond that , I feel pretty , I just feel ready . So I'm happy to get to talk to you today , and then I might even do some self-care things before the rehearsal dinner tonight .

And I realize that all parents pray for the miracle that we got . So I'm very sensitive with that and I believe God is good in the hard things and in the good things , but sometimes we don't stop to give God the glory in the good things , but sometimes we don't stop to give God the glory and the good things .

And so I just want to stop and say thank you to our God for this moment and for Matthew his life and his health and he gets to make an impact every day to high school students and that he's found the love of his life , and for so many people that are listening today that have just walked this journey and prayed and prayed and prayed for him .

So thank you to you all as well .

I was kind of doing a walk down memory lane yesterday about thinking , you know , I've known of Matthew for many , many , many years and you know high school struggles and grade school struggles and then setting his goals and reaching everyone in the midst of his cancer diagnosis and all of the unknowns , and he has remained so steadfast throughout all of this and

it's really I don't want to say this is kind of the reward , but it feels like it is you know , yeah , I agree , and there's been other little rewards along the way too .

It's gotten better every day , but for a few days , total laryngitis , have a bone-crushing cough and a skull-crushing headache , but it feels like every day it's getting a little better .

So yesterday I reached out to Denise to check on her because we were supposed to record this yesterday and just wanted to make sure that she felt good enough to do that . And when she didn't respond to my text message I was like this doesn't sound good , let me give her a call .

And I felt like you know the police , like this is your official wellness check . And you didn't answer the phone again and then you didn't call back and four o'clock came , which was the time we were to record , and you never , ever , ever , ever don't respond to multiple . So you know , my mind went to a dark place and so I panicked , called your daughter .

So thank you , kate , for being the official wellness check that found Denise literally on the bed .

I was like , oh no , so anyway , it's good to know that sooner or later someone would come and check to make sure I was still alive or later , someone would come and check to make sure I was still alive .

I live in Columbia , missouri , so it's not like I can drive across town and knock on her door myself .

And then last week we evaluated what makes a good commencement speech , and one might wonder what's taboo about a graduation address . Oh well , that would be so simple .

But , yes , we talked , tackled and talked about Harrison Butker's commencement address , so we'd love to get some feedback on that episode , if you love it or hate it , to keep the ball rolling , or you could say , one taboo topic after another

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So this week we're going to discuss miscarriage and this , really this topic , this desire to tackle this taboo topic on the podcast really came from my experience when Maddie got pregnant and she was very cautious , very cautious about telling people , very , very cautious about putting it on social media , and she's kind of still is very protective of that information .

And so it made me realize like , oh my gosh , this fear of losing this baby is so real , and then talking to her about a number of her friends that have went through miscarriages , and so it really became obvious to me as I walk alongside women who are supporting or either we are supporting young women who are in that childbirth age , or maybe we have friends

that are still in that time frame I just realized like I'm not equipped . I'm not equipped to really support and to have really good conversations . I don't really know what to say or what not to say , or how to encourage them .

So thank you for agreeing to bring this topic to the forefront and to talk about some tough things , and I know , like just your wisdom , you're going to add that and to talk about some tough things , and I know , like just your wisdom , you're going to add that naturally to this conversation . So let's just start with how prevalent is miscarriage ?

When they have a miscarriage , you know , we have the benefit of early detection , used to be really , you know , it was like two months of missing a period before you went to the doctors and three months before you actually , you know , found out that you were pregnant .

Well , now it's like one week , if even that , you know , people can find out , and so quite often people are finding out much sooner , and it may not have been viable at that point anyway , but it's still . You know , once women know that they are carrying a baby , emotionally it changes everything .

And I think the other fact that was important to me was that a miscarriage is defined as the loss of a baby before 20 weeks . So you could be pretty far along and maybe have told a whole lot of people and then have a miscarriage , and then I mean , that's almost halfway through a pregnancy .

So , yeah , I think there's a couple things that that stand out to me about this is and I didn't know that you know you have these little things that you can pee on that tell you when you're ovulating , right so , and then , very shortly after that , you can take tests to see if your hormones are doing what they should do to signal that you're pregnant .

And so I agree , I think that women are finding out much sooner and so , unfortunately , their loss , their loss is more real because they've had time to accept and get excited about the potential and the possibilities to where , like you know , you were saying when you and I perhaps were having babies , we just didn't know those things until something went wrong .

There's several points in here that I was like , yeah , that would have made a difference . So , I'm glad that hopefully , if anyone is in that situation , this will help the families and husband as well as the mother this will help the families and husband , as well as the mother .

, then my tight circle , lots of running friends , and you know you're in this circle as well , and of the well , actually it was nine women . Nine women one of the us has never , had never , been pregnant .

Of the other eight , I am the only one that did not have a miscarriage , the only one , every last one of my very close friends has had at least one up to four .

. But in looking through the information , a lot of people find guilt in the fact that they couldn't carry a pregnancy to term and there's just so little that anyone can do to change the outcome . There's not a lot to be done for that .

And the other thing that I thought was so interesting was that even after you have a miscarriage , the pregnancy hormones stay in the mother's body for one to two months , which really that would be hard to be feeling all of those hormones still , and the fact that even though the body recovers after a few weeks , emotionally the recovery takes much longer .

So about half to two-thirds of these miscarriages in the first trimester are linked with extra or missing chromosomes Right .

Having said that , there are some risk factors for miscarriages , and I think that these are things , again , that we just keep in mind and also just remember that we never know what women are going through because , so rarely we do talk about these things for one reason or another , because maybe it's too painful or you're sad , or people don't know what to say .

So we keep it in . But the various factors for miscarriage the first one is age . So if you're older than 35 , which 35 is that magic number where , if you get pregnant at 35 or after , they consider it a geriatric pregnancy , yeah , which tells you about the age of your uterus , I guess .

So if you're over 35 , you do have a higher risk of miscarriage than a younger person . And at 35 , you have about a 20% risk . And then at 40 , the risk is about 33 to 40% , and then at 45 , if you happen to get pregnant , the risk increases even more . It's like 57 to 80% . So the older we are , the more likely , right ?

You could have uterine or cervical problems , like certain conditions , or a weak cervical tissue , which we call an incompetent cervix those might raise the chances of miscarriage . And the unfortunate thing about those things is we don't usually know we have them until there's a problem correct , not surprising .

Smoking , alcohol use and illegal drugs , and we don't just say like casual use of those things , but heavy use of all those things makes a difference . Being underweight or overweight has also been linked to the risk of miscarriage . And then genetic conditions .

So sometimes one of the parents may be healthy but may carry a genetic problem that raises the risk of miscarriage . So example one partner could have a unique chromosome that formed when the pieces of two different chromosomes attached to each other and this is called translocation .

And if either partner carries a chromosome , translocation passing it on to an unborn child makes a miscarriage more likely . Translocation passing it on to an unborn child makes a miscarriage more likely . We talk a lot about translocations of chromosomes in the cancer world , don't we ?

And yet mothers often feel a range of negative emotions , sometimes towards their own bodies , including anger , guilt , disappointment , frustration that they weren't able to carry a pregnancy to term , and also depression and anxiety are also common after pregnancy loss .

They talk about an appropriate sadness , which is certainly very true , and that anxiety may persist for up to a year , especially if the pregnancy was long awaited . And I think that adds to it . Also , if you hear about people using , you know , ivf and different types of help with getting pregnant , and the cost of those alone is just unimaginable .

But then to have gone through all of that and then still have a miscarriage , I don't know how long I could go through that rigor and be disappointed multiple times . Before I think I would have just kind of said well , I don't think this is for me .

Sure , you know , not only were they sad and grieving for their daughter or for the loss of their grandchild , but for the pain that their daughter was was going through , and I think that that that's a really important distinction for us to consider .

To like I don't know about you , but I'm at that age now where a lot of my friends , as kids , are starting to have babies , and so it made me think how do I support my friends who are supporting their , their daughters and their sons in that time ?

I mean instantly , they associate , they nurture , they're having a baby , and fathers oftentimes don't feel that immediate bond . It may take until they can feel the baby kick or they can see the baby moving in the mom's tummy . And so it isn't that they don't grieve , they certainly do .

But they grieve differently , and we've talked about this in the cancer world again . Men are raised and socialized to protect their loved ones , and so when their wife has a miscarriage , oftentimes they're not grieving the loss of the baby , they're grieving that they can't do anything to help their wife feel better .

I don't want to , you know , have a blanket statement , but oftentimes not the case . Like you said , they're grieving different things and it looks different Because we've told fathers culturally . You know what's your role stay in your lane , keep your emotions right .

But I think at the heart of it , maybe sometimes women just want men to sit with them and cry and hold their hand and say this really just sucks .

So you know , for so many women it's like I just want to get better so I can try again , like that . That all so often is the mindset and actually I I find myself in that mindset to like , oh , I hope that they can try again rather than wait , like first there needs to be healing .

So step taking a step back and saying what does good self care look like ? Are you resting , are you exercising , making sure that you're well hydrated and you're still eating ? You're processing your feelings through journaling or maybe seeing a counselor ?

Certainly I hope that you have a good friend who can walk , or friends and family that can walk that journey with you . But just I think us , as we support people , realizing that we can encourage them to , oh my gosh , like it can take up to a year for you to give back to yourself after this .

So , like sometimes , I think we speed that up , yeah for sure .

Survey of public perceptions of miscarriage found , as you said earlier , that almost half of respondents , both women and men , report feeling guilty . About 41% felt that they had done something wrong , 28% felt ashamed and again , in reality , nothing probably could have been done to cause or prevent this loss .

But losing a pregnancy is losing a child , so it may be helpful to consider reaching out to a mental health provider to just really discuss the emotions and the grief associated with a pregnancy loss , because not just because it's common . It's not common to you , it's no new experience to you .

And this is one of those times , definitely , where I'm sorry is all that needs to be said . So often there are the comments well-meaning , you know , but you can always try again . You know it usually happens because there's something wrong with the fetus and none of those statements are helpful .

It doesn't sound like you're really understanding the grief that these people are going through . You're trying to sort of erase it away and that's not how they're probably feeling . And so , again , you know men and women grieve so differently and women are generally more comfortable talking about their loss and what they're feeling , but men not so much .

They're going to probably get involved in projects . They're going to mow the grass , paint the shed , work on the car , something that keeps them busy . But it is important to remember that there's no right or wrong way , but keeping those lines of communication open . I just need you to be here on the couch with me . I just want to cry .

I don't expect you to say anything , Just be here and hold my hand . Those are good things to do when someone's experiencing a loss .

And also , I think we have to talk about the other kiddos in the family , Because if we've told them that we are having a new baby in the family and something changes , then it's important that you explain to them that something changed .

However you feel , if you want to talk about heaven , if you want to talk about you know , however you want to explain it , but certainly let the children know that something has changed .

And I did put in for the show notes some really good books that people could order if they had that kind of situation , so that they would be able to explain it , and even by age . So there's a book called there Was a Baby for ages 1 to 11 and how I Feel Grief Journal for Kids for ages 8 to 12.

, and I thought those would be really good resources if a family was going through a pregnancy loss .

What what was very impactful was and I think we talk about it a little bit later is , you know , sharing the news of other people's pregnancies and in my family .

My family knew I had been pregnant , everybody knew I'd had a miscarriage and it was Thanksgiving and we were all at the Thanksgiving table and my sister-in-law stood up to go get something and I realized she was in a maternity top and no one had mentioned she was pregnant and that was difficult . I would have preferred to have known that ahead of time .

And so bringing up those names , talking about those situations , I think it would be a very difficult conversation to have to have , but I think it would be more valuable to say hey , I know you've had this miscarriage and I'm so sorry for you and I just wanted to let you know , so that you wouldn't be taken by surprise , that we're having a baby too .

Like why did I not know about this beforehand ? And I don't . That didn't come up in our research as one of the reasons , like , if your mom has miscarriages , you'll be likely to , but I do think you just are informed about it . Like that it does happen and you get through it , and that's a message that I think is good coming from your own mother .

My mom did have a miscarriage , you know . So she had three , she had four children and one of those she lost a miscarriage , and so we did talk about that and I appreciated that . I know of someone whose mother has has passed and this young girl is is has has lost multiple children , multiple and , um , it recently came out .

Her father recently told her that , oh yeah , your mother had eight miscarriages . Oh , my goodness . So you know , for one reason or another , that was just a really hard thing for her father to bring up and to discuss with her , but really , really relevant in that situation . So I hope parents aren't afraid to share their experiences .

Some other things that we can do to support people are encourage the couple the couple to take the time and space that they need to recover , and so we , as outsiders , respecting that and giving them that time and space that they need to recover , which for some of us is hard to do .

However you're supposed to , I kind of thought I'm good with just knowing when you're going to have a baby , you know , I'm good with just knowing when you're going to have a baby , you know . But again , all of that is so different than it used to be .

You know , I think I can remember , and I don't think I was just so oblivious to things , but I can remember asking this is back in the day asking my mom why are you wearing that skirt with the stomach cut out ? Because that was how maternity clothes were 50 years ago , I guess .

And she said , well , I'm having a baby and I mean , there was no discussion ahead of time , or your dad and I are trying to have none of that ? Yeah , none of that . I do know . I don't think I'm sure I didn't know at the time , but since then I have learned that she did have a miscarriage at some time in her life . But it was so different years ago .

It just wasn't some , it was secrecy , it wasn't something . It was almost considered impolite to ask someone if they were pregnant or to discuss those kind of things with children . So I'm glad it's kind of it's changed in that regard .

Like being sensitive to how I would share the news of Maddie's baby and how that baby's , you know , growing and how excited I am , not not to hide or withdraw that , but just to be sensitive . Yeah , yes for sure . Also for couples who have been experienced a loss you know they have a date on the calendar .

They've been told this baby is due on this day and this day will come and the baby won't . And so being sensitive if you know that due date , like just being sensitive , maybe without even bringing it up , like , oh , I know your baby's due date was this week . I'm not saying that at all .

What I'm just saying is , you know , loving them in a certain way , however , that looks , in a way that is meaningful to them . So I know that that can be a really hard thing for couples .

Some other thoughts are and I am so guilty of this , denise , you know you see someone , a couple , and they've been married for a couple years , right , and you're like , ah , it's about time to start planning for a family . You know , you said you know that Kate told you when she was trying , funny enough , just before Maddie got pregnant . I asked her .

I said so , you know , if you guys decide to start , you know , trying to have a family , are you going to tell me when you're trying ? And she said , mom , absolutely not . And then , like three weeks later , she's like oh , we're pregnant . So it was delightful .

But just like that whole idea of really being sensitive to when we are asking people like , oh , are you , when are you going to start trying to have a family ? Or oh , your baby's two , or when are you going to start trying for another one , and realizing or considering that maybe they are trying and that things haven't gone the way that they've wanted .

So just something to be considerate of .

And then the next month , not this month , and that's hard to watch because it's you know that they're sad and disappointed and feeling that let down of gosh , maybe this is the month and then , well , no , this isn't the month . And so I'm not saying don't tell people what you want them to know .

And if you don't want them to know you're trying , don't say anything . And if you don't want them to know that you're pregnant too soon , because , again , 30% are going to miscarriage before 20 weeks , that's a long time- yeah , that's a long time .

So it's hard to rest and recoup and recover and pour into self care when you have a two or three year old or two other children that need to go to school or whatever and it's hard for you to get the rest that you need . So we can come alongside and support in that way .

And also , if you know someone prior to having this pregnancy and miscarriage struggled with a depression , then stay especially close to them and speak into that if necessary , because it's important that we just check in often , particularly with those patients , absolutely for sure .

One other thing that , before you close because I love this closing one piece of wisdom that someone near and dear to Maddie shared early on was always remember that God is writing this baby story you know , and I think every parent out there you know can remind ourselves that God is still writing our baby's stories , right ?

I think your baby had a birthday this week . He did .

And it says I am sorry for the loss of your person and the million things that vanished on the day their heart stopped beating , and the billion things you must grieve every single day that they aren't here . And I am sorry that there isn't a better word than just sorry .

Or if you have a topic you'd like us to discuss on the podcast , use that same email , theproblemwithperfect at gmailcom , to send us your ideas or feedback .

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