It's Okay Not To Be Okay: Balancing Toxic Positivity and Emotional Authenticity

But we're going to talk about toxic positivity , which kind of , at the outset you're like toxic positivity that seems like an oxymoron . But , denise , you've mentioned before that you are not a fan of saying , oh , everything happens for a reason , or something good always comes from something bad .

So I'm just wondering , as we start this conversation today would you consider those to be examples of toxic positivity ?

I know people , when they're faced with someone's suffering or pain , they want to say something to make things better , but it's difficult to do without sounding like it's just a platitude , and so it wasn't until recently , actually , that I learned that there is a clinical definition for those terms , and it is toxic positivity .

So to begin unpacking that , in an article in verywellmindcom , toxic positivity is described as the belief and I think this is important to define . It is described as the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is , people should always maintain a positive mindset , and certainly we don't want to confuse people .

There are definite benefits to being optimistic and I think that , as I would say , by nature I'm definitely what I would consider an optimist . The glasses always have full for me , so being optimistic and engaging things towards a positive way of thinking about them is definitely beneficial .

But this whole idea of toxic positivity it basically rejects all the emotions in favor of just nope , we're going to be cheerful and we're going to be positive , and it's really just a facade . So some of the examples for our listeners that are like I really don't still know what you're talking about , I think these examples will be helpful .

So the examples that the article sites include , like when something bad happens , people might say to you oh , let's look on the bright side . Or when someone is expressing sadness or pain , so they're telling you their pain or you're telling someone else about your pain . The reply is well , just remember , happiness is a choice .

And then the article even references one that we mentioned earlier , which everything happens for a reason .

So if someone is sad and hurting and they want to talk about that or express their feelings and we reply with well , cheer up , little camper , things are going to get better , they feel unheard , they feel like they've been dismissed and sometimes they can even there can even be some harmful effects to toxic positivity .

When someone shares their emotions , it , you know it may . They may feel like when they talk about that and someone responds with now now , don't talk like that , everything's going to be fine . And that's not helpful to people that are going through really difficult times , because sometimes everything isn't going to be fine .

They want to hear happiness and joy and positivity , rather than sometimes just the true emotion someone is experiencing .

So I think that in that sense that I struggle internally with some of these ideas about toxic positivity , and that really was a surprise to me to kind of have that awareness , that recognition , as , as I started to dig into this topic because I mean , honestly , people well meaning , lovely , lovely people have said , you know , some of these things to me over the

years , with Matt being sick and I know it comes from a place of I want to help you and I want to encourage you and maybe I don't know what to say , but sometimes it does get hard to hear .

And certainly you know there are lots of situations that things do work out fine in retrospect , but not always . And so , being aware that those those kind of toxic positivity statements can really shut someone down , they may feel like , okay , no one really understands and if I try and talk about it , I'm just going to bum them out more , right ?

And then I do have to just say that that I had a boss one time for a couple of years who on the outset was like the most positive person you've ever met , like loved it , loved the enthusiasm , and that was all great and fine until the rubber hit the road and like there would be problems that work really hard things .

And I would go and have conversations with this person and leave those conversations thinking I will first like , oh , he's right , I can be positive about this Shoot . I wasn't going to say if it was a he or she , I messed that up , that you know .

He would say , you know , but the good side of this is like if I heard that a million times , it was probably not an exaggeration , you know . So you go with just someone with a problem . Well , the good , the good side of this is , and you just want to sit in the fact that you know what , right now I don't see the good side . Right now it's hard .

I just want to feel supported and maybe you could offer me some advice about how to make this thing less hard or what you might do as my leader . What solutions might you have other than coming back and saying Well , the great thing about this is because right now I'm not feeling it yeah .

Number one , and then number two like you know , I told you I like to be positive .

So when someone sang to me oh Robin , you should be more positive , and you know that that that stuck with me and so eventually it really drove a wedge in our relationship and and to be honest too , I never was able to like articulate that specifically in a meaningful way that that our relationship really overcame that .

Having said that and it's kind of going back to my question , I think I had to always kind of come back to why is it ? Why is he doing this ? And so I think that that's worth exploring a little bit . That I think , based on that experience and then reflecting on my own experience .

But the whole bend toward toxic positivity is because we don't have , we're not equipped to deal with those emotions , or we don't want to deal with those emotions or we just kind of don't want to get involved . So that's my thought . What do you think ?

People mean well , but when we've talked about this on the show several times , I'm sorry . I'm sorry this is so hard , I'm sorry that this is happening to you . Those words are so much more comforting , I think and I hear that from clients rather than well , at least they're not suffering anymore . Or God only takes the good ones , or God never lets anything .

Something good will always come From something bad . That's not how people feel when their child is sick or when their job is difficult and they need support . I think that's where the division occurs .

People that are sitting in their shit , as we say , need support and they reach out to people and what they get back is platitudes and buckle up a little , camper , things are going to get better . You just keep smiling . That doesn't do anything for their heart or their soul .

I think God has given me more than I can handle Every day since this started , but that's okay , because it's not more than he can handle . Just pointing it back to , I'm going to be okay because my faith is not in my strength to handle these situations . But this is hard .

Don't say God won't give me more than I can handle because I've been pushed to the limit and then some .

But in that moment when you're hanging on by a thread you're like , oh , so anyway . So I've led us right into some of the harmful effects of toxic positivity . So you want to expand on those , denise ?

Sometimes people feel guilty for how they're feeling . Maybe , you know , maybe they don't feel like God is giving them the grace that they need to get through something . It does result , I think , sometimes in discounting people's feelings or dismissing their feelings .

I tell you something that's really heavy on my heart and your responses , something that may feel trite and not really sincere . You know , it's easy to have those platitudes that we just spew out whenever we're uncomfortable .

So , and then the other thing is and I do think this is important is , you know , sometimes when we're going through really hard times , there is going to be an opportunity for growth in that situation .

So not letting me explore my emotions , work through the process of whatever I'm going through and walking alongside of me rather than putting up a roadblock , allows me to process my feelings and move forward .

But it's different when you're , when you're coming alongside adolescents who are trying to learn to manage their emotions , and if I don't have the ability to allow them to grow from the experience and be uncomfortable in those feelings , then I think there's probably been times in my life where I have been toxically positive to my kids in that situation .

As parents , I think we do somewhat of an injustice when we try and fix things rather than allowing our children to go through the natural process of loss and grief and emotional turmoil and all the things that we experience as humans .

I guess is the better way that we are trying to protect ourselves from these emotions that we can't bear or they're too much for us in that situation , or the emotions of something , someone we love , are too much , and so we start .

We start going down this oh everything's going to be okay path , rather than allowing people to sit and say it's okay not to be okay . My question is how do we recognize , or what might you say to someone to help them recognize , that really the issue is that they're uncomfortable with the emotions .

Taking time to process your own feelings before you respond to someone else , just taking a breath , you know , and again I think , just the sincerity of I'm sorry , I'm sorry to hear this , I'm here if there's anything that I can do , those things , I think , are so much more helpful and meaningful than the try . You know , now .

Now let's don't talk like that Could be worse . You know , I know you lost your job , but there's a lot of people that you know have been looking for a job for the last three years and that doesn't . It doesn't sit well with people , doesn't provide any comfort or support .

It gave advice on avoiding toxic positivity when we recognize it in ourselves , so like what are our own toxic positivity behaviors . So it suggests that we develop an attitude that it's okay not to be okay , and I really , really love that and I'm .

I think that there's a lot of people that need to hear that today and will need to be reminded of it later and just giving ourselves the grace to feel whatever we feel , without shame or without guilt . So you know that there's not one way someone should feel or there's not a perfect way to navigate life .

Your emotions are your emotions and and they're they're okay , and even when it feels like they're not okay , it's , it's okay .

Right there , I think , if people don't hear anything else , at least for me realizing that I try to make myself be , you know , have to be positive all the time , and it's toxic when I deny myself the , the , the availability , the opportunity to just be real with myself about my emotions without feeling like , like they're not okay . So love , love , love that .

Thank you for adding your , your expert opinion to that .

Another thing that the article suggests is that managing our negative emotions so learning to manage them rather than denying them , so avoiding negative emotions can increase our stress , especially at times when things are already stressful . So you're adding fuel to the fire , so to speak .

So allowing those negative emotions and allowing ourselves those negative emotions , I should say and addressing those feelings , can really lead to that emotional growth that you talked about earlier , which I've tried to , you know , protect , protect my children from that growth , yeah .

went through that and so I'm confident I'll get through this and if not , I know what to do to help me along the way .

He was faithful yesterday , he'll be faithful today and he'll be faithful tomorrow . But doing that in a way that doesn't say that doesn't mean it's not hard . It's hard , but having confidence that we're not alone for me is helpful . That's right .

So now we're on the other end , where we're receiving it , and how to process those thoughts when they may not be helpful they may even be damaging at the time , and so one of the suggestions was be realistic about what you feel . So , again , don't , don't even try and fool yourself . Some things are really hard and be kind to yourself .

Practice self care , recognize change takes time .

So sometimes , even though people are expressing toxic positivity , just going internally , turning inside and using your coping techniques to deal with that , and I'll say disappointment , because I've I've shared with people different hard things and their response was something toxic , toxic response , and I thought , wow , well , that are worse . Yet you know , you get the .

Well , I know , boy , I remember when I was going through this you're like wait this isn't about you . This was about me . I wanted , I wanted to talk about me , and you find yourself nodding and saying , oh yeah , I'm sorry , that sounds like it was really hard and your , your feelings and emotions just got put to the side . So that's something to remember .

The other thing that I thought was in this thought came to mind when you were talking about a previous bosses Don't be afraid to challenge the person , being toxically positive and I think that's a really good point .

I mean , of course , we're going to want to do it with grace and kindness , but it can feel uncomfortable to address it with somebody , but the opportunity there is that it makes your relationship more authentic and real .

If I say to you you know , robin , when I tell you this problem I'm having , and you say to me well , you just need to pray harder , that doesn't really help me . And you don't say that I'm just , this is a role play . Sorry , I saw the look on your face like , oh crap , did I say that ? No , you did not say that .

But but that deepens and richens our relationship . If I can say to you you know , those things just aren't helpful . Here's what I need right now , or maybe I just need a hug , or maybe I just need you to say I'm right here with you .

Right , if you can't navigate that , then that person , that relationship , will always stay in the shallow end . It won't be able to extend and mature and grow into that deeper relationship that you want , because it's a serious roadblock .

But also , you know , and we've had difficult conversations over the years , but that's because I trust that you can handle it and I trust that our relationship can handle it and that we'll be better off for having shared true vulnerability that's a hard word to say vulnerability and authenticity .

I'm going to do better because I'm more equipped to recognize the importance of just being genuine about my feelings and asking you to be genuine about your feelings whenever I feel like it's gone down that toxic positivity road that's not helpful to anyone .

So , on that note , I think it's good to reinforce for everyone that know that it's okay to feel more than one thing . This is so enlightening to me because sometimes it's like we get so wrapped up in our emotions and and it's emotions like rarely- I would say , does one emotion reside all by itself ?

So difficult situations they do , and they can result in us being stressed or worried or , for sure , being fearful . But being kind to ourselves and practicing that self care that we've talked about and just recognizing all this and recognizing that change does take time , yeah , yeah .

A second thing that the article would suggest , as we make progress with toxic positivity and again we've talked about it is just noticing how you feel , and I think sometimes we kind of get stuck in that social media rut , and social media contains all kinds of different messages , but it does contain uplifting posts and means .

So either try to gravitate towards those with your social media consumption or realize that social media , in times of hardship , it can be hard and it can be good .

So and I know that somebody that I love a lot found herself like really struggling with social media and how everyone was happy and she was in a spot to be happy with everybody , so she just had to , like , take a vacation from social media . So use social media for good or try to have the realization that maybe it's just time for a break .

Yeah , and another thing it's not a shocker that you and I are going to say this is never be afraid to put your feelings into words .

And so that means , whether you're journaling , whether you're talking to a trusted friend , whether you meet with a counselor , just put those feelings into words because , as we say , thoughts disentangle as they pass through our fingers and sometimes through our mouths .

But research does suggest that putting your feelings into words can help lower the intensity of the negative feelings , so they aren't as intense , they aren't as powerful once we're able to articulate them .

Or yes , I've had those feelings before and I'm still here . So there's just not enough that we can say about the value of journaling .

So thank you for pushing us to have this conversation , and I think you have something really cool to help us in our time together today . I do .

No , the medicine for a spirit in mourning is tenderness and warmth and compassion and connection and presence . Sit with someone in their grief and let them cry their ugly . Tears Do not shine and scurry grief away . They must walk through it .

This is love to abandon all that we think we know and be so full of grace that we are invited in to partake in someone else's darkest moments . What an honor it is to simply be a light . The antidote for sadness is love . It is always love .

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