How to Boost Your Self-Esteem Through Life's Transitions

It's , as you know and as I think we're probably going to talk about , it's been a very busy season of life Many really , really really good things , but good things are still stressful things , right ?

So we are on the countdown now less than 30 days for the big day , and they also closed on the house this week , which was so exciting , and they also closed on the house this week , which was so exciting and just an answer to prayer , and so it's been fun watching their life come together and so all of that .

And then I have another big announcement , but I don't know , I think we're gonna wait . Are we gonna wait and talk about that ? We are gonna wait , just another week , one more week , okay , yeah . So come back next week , for the big announcement is super exciting , which has , uh , captured a lot of my time and attention . So I've been busy . How about you ?

We're getting ready to go into the guided meditation series at the Denver Botanic Garden and four of the six are already sold out . And then the garden out here . That is more of a working farm kind of garden where I do the children's meditations . I did that last year .

Those are completely sold out for this year and I'm doing a women's guided meditation at the Chatfield Gardens and those are being very well attended also . So those just it's a wonderful way to spend a day , or an hour really is all it is in those gardens just being in nature and sunshine , and I love it .

So it's almost time , almost time to get started on those .

Thanks , and I'm happy to think that you can finally get outside because , I tell you , your spring and winter intermix Like one day it's spring , the next day it's winter . It feels like till June .

need to know before we go . So this this year , we talked about palliative care and hospice , we talked about caregiver support and resources , we talked about the many phases and stages of grief and , last but not least , we talked about the spiritual aspects of end of life .

And so now , well , actually , let me just say , if you didn't catch any of those , please go back and listen . Great episodes , really helpful , and we also talked about we also talked about wheels and trusts , which was another really good episode as well . So go back and listen if you missed any of those .

But you and I , we are ready to shift our focus and we're going to shift it inward now .

Classes are just packed with people that are going to come in and get fit in the next three weeks , you know , and then you don't see him again till the next may or june , and so I I think this is an especially important time to talk about self-esteem .

Um , you know , we and we don't , because we're very , we're very diligent in having aspirations , not resolutions . But a lot of people plan on losing weight , you know , starting in January and all these other different things , and sometimes life just gets in the way . You didn't lose the weight , your life did get in the way and you're holding on by a thread .

Your life did get in the way and you're holding on by a thread . Sometimes we look in the mirror and just don't even know that weather-worn , wrinkled face that's staring back at us . So I think it's safe to say most of us , if not all of us , have been there , and I think it's a good time to remind women listeners about the importance of self-esteem .

And when I say we can't undo the past , I remind myself too , like I can't defy gravity and I can't deny the clock , you know , and part of that is a reality . But our hope is that , even as we age and we grow and we look back and we learn from the past and move forward with more purpose and more confidence because of it .

So , in that vein , an article by Nathaniel Brandon entitled the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem recently caught our attention . The author suggests that there are six practices that may enhance our self-esteem , and I get to start with the first one .

Well , I was supposed to start with the first one , which is the practice of living consciously , and , denise , I got to admit to you , I really don't even know what that means .

We can get very comfortable in our sweatpants on our couch watching Netflix , instead of living a healthy life , being conscientious about what we're putting in our body or what we're putting on our body , those sort of things , and so making sure that our behaviors and our tendencies and our responses to people and events correlate with what our values are .

So living consciously reminds us to distinguish between a fact and our emotional response . In other words and I've seen this on several , like t-shirts and things don't everything you think , and I whoa boy . That means that really struck home with me

. I will admit , I guess two weeks ago now , I went down a rabbit hole I mean like all the way down the rabbit hole , like to China , and just could not dig myself back up . I was procrastinating , I was catastrophizing .

I became clairvoyant , evidently , and knew what other people were thinking about me and why they were doing things and why they weren't doing things and that I wasn't getting invited to things and , I'm happy to say none of that was true . Yeah , had that . Yeah , yeah , it was all in my mind , but , um , and it was such a .

When I realized none of that had actually really happened , I thought , my goodness , you did this to yourself , whereas living consciously also means if you have a question or a concern with another person , you say to them Robin , I've noticed we haven't spoken much in the last week . That's unusual for us . Is everything okay ?

Just wanted to check and make sure we're both on the same wavelength or whatever . Sometimes , when we leave it to ourselves to decide what behaviors mean and what thoughts are , and why people are or are not doing things , we can really get ourselves in emotional turmoil .

And so the valuable lesson of the last couple of weeks was that I did that all to myself and that if I had been living consciously , I would have done much sooner what I ended up doing , which was to call my friend and say is everything okay ? I have not heard from you in two weeks , and that was really unusual in our relationship .

She was out of town , seriously , yes , and I had them . You know , I had she and some other friends out to lunch and they didn't invite me and it was her birthday and no one , no one asked me to help celebrate . And yeah she was out of town yeah , she went out of town for a week , came home for three days , went out of town for another week .

We have to sometimes remind ourselves of these lessons , and you talked about a situation that I think so many of us struggle with is that you know , something changes , there's a shift , we don't know why . So we always fill in the gaps , what our mind does , and rarely , if ever , do we fill in those gaps with a positive story . Right yeah ?

Yeah , and so yes , note to self don't do that anymore .

Second point to help with self-esteem . The second pillar is the practice of self-responsibility and at first you're like self-responsibility , but in an age of I want it all and I want it now , accepting responsibility for our current situations can be difficult .

So that's part of it no , the other part that's impossible for me is to accept that , uh , or take responsibility for my demanding schedule . There you go , there it is there it is there , it is .

So the first one hurt you , the second one's going to hurt me , and the author would say it's easy to sometimes feel like a victim when life's pressures and obligations descend upon us Like they just land on us , like out of nowhere here it comes , like I'm surprised by this and I say this with jest .

However , most of our stressors are a direct result of two things Our inability to set firm boundaries and our inability to be really realistic about our expectations . So , as Denise has said before , no is a complete sentence and I struggle with that .

So I think this is important for me , because my self-esteem is impacted when I'm overcommitted and I under deliver .

So this , this episode , is all about we . We know it , this excellent advice , but it's hard to apply to our lives .

So , and as I mentioned , like , you may have been in this crisis and literally may have thought oh , I want to call Robin and unpack this with her , and you would have said , oh , robin has no time to talk to me , and that would have been right . Right , because that is very forthcoming .

Yeah , yeah , well , and and I guess for me , I have to reflect on all of that and just for me , the practice of self-responsibility , I think , some things that would help me .

Knowing all that is like planning ahead and and planning ahead ahead because like , uh , my April , like like this got put on the calendar and then this got put on the calendar and then this got put on the calendar . You're like Whoa , that's a full month , and then I switched jobs and all of these things got put on the calendar .

So the things that I had put on the calendar , which were fun things , and then all the responsible things , and then it was just like it blew up . Hey , but I do want you to know we are supposed to be in Tampa today and we did cancel our trip to Florida because we felt overextended .

I just want to add to that that for me personally , I think the self-reflection about being more responsible is really trying to think ahead , work ahead , get the little things done ahead of time so that I can enjoy the big things .

So so now we fix both you and me , so that's good news . The third pillar of self-esteem is the practice of living purposefully .

So kind of hits us both in the tummy , I think I would say you know , most of us go through the motions a good percentage of the time and , rather than living purposefully , we may be just existing rather than living , or have our schedule so full that we're not enjoying anything . We're just in the eight to five hamster wheel . Get stuff done .

And it says , in order to live purposefully , it's important to daydream , spend time in reflection , contemplate what brings purpose and joy to your life . And I was like , well , yeah , if you had time . That's exactly what I thought when I read that . I was just like those are great ideas if you don't already have 75 other things to do .

But I think that's the purpose of this article . So it asks what are your goals ? What deeply inspires you ? What ignites your soul ? They suggest make a list of five things you'd love to do and then slowly , systematically , work towards achieving those goals . And I've read this many places .

You know the time passes whether you do what you planned on or not , but even if all you did was take baby steps towards your goal , at least you're getting . You're moving forward rather than not getting anything finished .

And I think the living purposefully to , certainly in my experience , and working with folks at end of life , care , end of life , you know , boy , it's so true . People aren't talking about what they , how much they loved their job or how much they loved doing what . You know all the materialistic things that they had or places that they went .

I was reminded when I read this article about the movie Steel Magnolias . I don't know if you remember that it's the best . Made you laugh and cry . Yeah , and they're talking about their friend who died , and I have no idea why I remember this , but I remembered it .

They said she wasn't living , she was only breathing and I was like , yeah , that's what they're talking about living purposefully .

It was really about anxiety and then about social media , and he said something along the lines of you know , like my mom started smoking before we knew that cigarettes were bad , and we all started using smartphones and social media before we knew it was bad . But now we know it's bad and what are you going to do about it ?

And to me , that is the biggest like when I think about living purposely , which is very , very important to me , and I'm very passionate about things like good or bad . We don't miss an episode of this podcast because we're committed and passionate about like people come on Tuesday morning looking for the podcast and we don't want to disappoint them like that .

This is part of our purpose , right , right , and there's a lot of things like that that I'm very passionate about . But when I think about just going through the motions , what comes to mind is when I am sitting waiting for something right , I don't even know . Maybe I am sitting waiting for something right , I don't even know .

Maybe I'm sitting at a doctor's office , or maybe I'm in line to at the drive through to get my coffee . Like , why is it that I ? I feel a need to pick up my phone and start flipping through social media ? Like it , it I that is not living purposely , it is just existing . And so I personally feel challenged , like when you talk about reflecting .

Like what would it look like and how can I make baby steps to not being so addicted to my phone ?

I mean , this time of year in Colorado is just magnificent , and I'm sure it is in Missouri too . All the forsythia bushes are blooming and the crabapple trees , and it's so beautiful there's no reason to be looking . And then you're on your phone in the car .

When our behavior is congruent with our professed values , when ideals and practices match up or , like I like to think about it , when we walk the talk , we have integrity .

And I'm going to follow Denise's lead and suggest that we spend some time in self-reflection on this specific idea of personal integrity , because I think you know everybody says , oh , I have integrity , right ? I mean , I think most people would say , oh , I have integrity , but really , what does that mean for you ?

So you know , spending time writing down your ideals ideals , not ideas ideals your convictions , your beliefs , what are your guideposts for your life , or your guideposts for your life , and then keep that list readily available so that when you're faced with a difficult situation , you can review that and say , oh , am I in alignment , right ?

This is what I say , or is important to me Is that the way that my behavior reflects . Is that my ? Are my words reflecting that ? Is my heart reflecting that ? And really I think it can help us with our yeses and our nos , and I think it also can help self-correct when they are in an alignment

. I know one I had a job a couple of years ago and I enjoyed it , but I just didn't have enough work to stay busy and I think I couldn't ever figure out why I didn't .

You know what was wrong , but to me what was wrong was I say I'm a hard worker , you know , and all of these other things around using the skills that God's blessed me with to to make the biggest impact that I can make for an organization , all these things that are , I say , are my cornerstones , especially professionally .

And then you really don't even have the opportunity for those two things to align . I just finally had to realize . That's why I'm unsettled . That's what's wrong . It's just they're not cohesive .

So you can certainly have integrity with other people , with your word , with keeping promises , keeping responsibilities , obligations , whatever , but what about what you said you will do for yourself , and are you letting yourself down and not prioritizing what you know is best for you ?

Aggressiveness is described as being likely to attack an act of aggression , to attack an act of aggression , and assertiveness is defined as behaving confidently , not frightened , to say what you want or believe , and assertiveness is about confidence , self-assuredness .

Practicing self-assertiveness is to live authentically , to speak and act from your innermost convictions and feelings as a way of life . So that goes back to what you just said . But do people really know what their innermost convictions and feelings as a way of life are ? And I think those things may change over time .

You know when we're a young professional and then we have a young family and then we're in midlife , and so I think those things change . But I think it's , it is really important for us to know those things about ourself .

You know , like watching you , watching people that are really confident and just have a very strong presence . I love watching that , but I don't want to . I couldn't be that person . That's just not me .

When I just met you and you just had this poise about you in this , in this confidence , as you walked me down the hall to your office and I always , like immediately , was attracted to that and thought , oh , like this woman's got her craft together and I want to be more like her .

Like there was something about you that was magnetic in a way , that I wanted to be like you .

Maybe we're talking about like , oh well , maybe we could get these things or do that and have this as a party favor and that as a party favor . And I didn't wait for someone to say Robin , what do you think ? I just said we are not having a party for 10 year olds . Adults don't need party favors . That's just my personal opinion . Oh , how did that go ?

Well , they accepted it . Well , god love them . Cause I was like oh my gosh , robin , could you like ? Is there a nicer way ? I could have said that . So I'm constantly working on . I being assertive is one thing , but you know , that means I can always take a step back and say what is there ? Is there a softer way ? Maybe I could say that .

I'm so grateful that God gave me the gift of Like and that it is all a gift from him , like every good thing , including every good attribute that he gave you or that he gave me Like , it is a gift from him and it's because we were made in the image and likeness of him , so like , in our own little way , we get to reflect his awesomeness and that , to

me , is like , so cool and that makes me want to be awesome , because it's not me being awesome , it's him being awesome through me which gets me fired up . Like that I can get passionate about just saying , oh , you know , if I work a little harder and I do a little better , I'll .

I can accept myself , right , like that doesn't feel good , but recognizing that that each of us do have these things , so on . In that vein , I will challenge each of us , each of us , to stop . Take out a piece of paper , or you can take out your phone in the notes section , right ? So I'm not anti-smartphone , because , like it organizes my life .

So let's be real about that . But whatever you want to write with , write down everything you love about yourself , everything you love , and I hope that it's pages long , not lines long , but pages long . So maybe it's that you're like you know what I'm smart , you know it's your intellect .

Maybe you could say I really am kind , I really do care about other people , or I'm exceptionally patient . I will not be writing that down , denise , but you should write that down on your list .

Maybe it is that I worked really hard for that goal and it's okay to feel really good about , uh , setting a goal , working hard to achieve it .

Your playing small does not serve the world . There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you . We are all meant to shine , as children do . We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us .

It is not just in some of us , it is in everyone , and as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we are liberated from our fear , our presence automatically liberates others serve the world .

You're sharing your day with us .

Or if you have a topic you'd like us to discuss on the podcast , use that same email , theproblemwithperfect at gmailcom , to send us your ideas or feedback . We love hearing from you .

And while you're there , make sure you've subscribed to the podcast so you never miss an episode , as always a special shout out to our editor , jordan Overkamp , for making us sparkle . And remember , there's always enough grace for you today , so be sure to give it to yourself .