Giving Yourself The Self-Care You Need Even When It Feels Selfish

And that lasted through them leading and then us tying , and then , once we got to overtime , I completely lost my good sport medal . I was like all in yelling at the TV . That was the end of that . Yeah , no medal for me . How about you , rachel ?

I went to the parade and I'm like this is so fun , I should watch football , and so I've seen every single game since then and now I'm truly a football fan , and so I was just so anxious , of course , that whole second half of the game being like , all right , I just wanted , I wanted the ending , so I could just know .

Right , it's like you're either about to get the best news of your life or the worst news of your life . You're ripped the band aid off . But they didn't rip the band aid off . It was slow anticipation for like 30 minutes . So I will say that when we won , we all just immediately started jumping up and down and hugging each other .

It was like one of those core memories of your life that if you are in it , you know that you are in a core memory and something that's going to be so special to you for the rest of your life . So it was amazing and can't wait for the parade . Are you going to go ? Of course , yes , of course I'm going to the parade , wouldn't miss .

You know , and for some people you know , they were there , I guess , when the real the Chiefs won the real first Super Bowl , which is , you know , that's just the crazy part that we had to wait 50 years in between the first and the second , and now we've had three and four years .

So I too , we went back to the Grand Falloon , which is where we watched the game four years ago , hmm , when we won against the 49ers .

So it was , it was fun . I will , I will tell you this is not to be a downer , but I have a niece who I have two nieces that are fighting triple negative breast cancer and one of them , her prognosis is very challenging and so she's started a new round of chemo on Monday and so we got word that she was being admitted at KU Med Center .

So it's like two miles from where we're at , like all this celebration , and but you just couldn't help but remember you know what this is a game and this is fun , and I kept telling myself that in the in the times when we were losing it .

You know it's fun and it's meant to be fun and I'm going to enjoy it whether we win or lose , because there's real things that are going on in real people's lives that are , you know , that are hard .

So it was hard for me to shake that off a little bit , because the end of February which is my hard time , you know , the end of February is my trigger month about cancer anyway . So but it was nice to wake up this morning and go . I am dead tired and I'm so happy .

. I mean , I've been watching the , the after party videos all day , of course , but I would say the first the moment that Travis talked , yelled at Andy Reid and literally kind of pushed him a little bit . That was a big like reflective yikes , I think , from everybody .

Yeah , it was seen , because after the game they they had a conversation , they were asking Andy Reid about it , and he seemed to be like yeah , this is just football , this is just the way it is .

Like he didn't really push me , I kind of just stumbled on my own , I just , yeah , he did say something like that , and I know Travis also said he owes his career to Andy , and so they seem to be okay between the two of them . But I do wonder if Travis will issue some sort of apology because , yeah , it wasn't a good look .

First of all , I hate the fact that happened , but I do love the fact that Andy Reid wasn't given anybody anything . Right , he's such a professional . He's like oh , this is what happens in football . We're good .

Now , they may not be good , right , I don't know if they're good , but he , he's just that sort of guy that like , if we're not good , it's going to be between he and I , not the rest of the world . So I think there's something to be learned from that . Yeah .

You know people are obsessed with them , and so to see Travis not be this golden boy that America has made him out to be was also probably astonishing to people . I'll be interested to see how he handles it after the fact . I think that shows a lot about your character , because we all make mistakes . Yeah , hopefully he is .

This was a one off thing and not something that is a regular occurrence for him , so I think he can probably be a real hothead .

Actually , we got the opposite of her being like what are you doing with his little singing moment ? But you know he was just having fun , he was partying . So it is what it is .

And then I did enjoy like the videos of them at the after party , you know , singing and dancing to her songs , like that's just cool , you know .

It's just weird to think about that you know , six months ago , how their lives have changed , how the intersection of pop culture with football although I mean , I guess it is , it's all pop culture to some degree but like how they fused and like how half the world loves the Chiefs now because they're Swifties and how it's brought so many people interested into

football that otherwise wouldn't have been . And then you got all the other people that are like so sick of the Chiefs winning that now people hate us . It's just a weird spot to be , especially for me because like literally I've watched Chiefs games and left Chiefs games since I was a little girl .

So , yeah , you know , it's like the whole world is like now like interested , either in a good way or a bad way , and something that's just always been .

For me , personally , is not going to be so easy Because , again , this whole three week series with three generations of women talking about three areas of our life where we want we want to love ourselves . We're trying to love ourselves and , as we found out in these conversations , it's it's harder to do than we want it to be Like .

We know we're called to love ourselves . We know that until we love ourselves , we probably can't love others . Well , but loving ourselves in all areas of our life is challenging .

So we started out with Denise , leaving us in a conversation about the struggle to love what we see in the mirror and the goal of turning our minds to identify , to like what we see , to pick out things that we do like rather than what we don't like .

And then I have to tell you I've gotten some interesting feedback about that too , about people being like I can't believe you talked about the fact that you get Botox Really , yeah , yeah . And the other thing people saying like I didn't realize 30 year old women get Botox .

It's just like an easy thing that people talk about . There's no shame in it .

But you know , the reality is is that it's hard , it's hard . So we had that conversation and then last week , rachel , you did a great job leading our conversation about our careers and that whole idea , the pressure that comes that we have to be enough so that we can have enough , and how are those two things intertwined ?

And then today we're going to unpack the very complicated subject of body image and included with that as wellness and self care , how these are intertwined in a healthy and maybe not so healthy way , so in full transparency .

Again , this conversation , as I've pondered it and studied it and thought about it , it's difficult for me Because as we talk about body image , wellness and self care , like those three things kind of get all mumbled , jumbled together for me , and for me I know , historically and even now , it's hard for me to separate wellness , wellness from exercise .

So there's been a lot of my life where wellness equals exercise period , even though it , I know it's just a piece of wellness . And it's also hard for me to understand really what is self care and that self care is more than just priors prioritizing time to exercise , which is important part of self care . But again , it's so much more complex than that .

So I needed to start from me or having a conversation about self care . I just needed to really sit with what is self care ? What is the definition ? Because I felt like my soul needed that .

So the definition that I liked and I felt like would be a good launching point of foundation for our conversation is this self care is a conscious act that involves taking time to improve your physical , mental and emotional health . It's a decision making process that can help you look after your health efficiently and can conveniently .

So it's a conscious act that involves you taking time for your physical , mental and emotional health . So I don't know how , if when you guys think about self care , is that a definition that you would agree with ? Is it missing anything ? What do you think about that definition ?

Sometimes I think women have a tendency to think that if we're spending time on any of those things for ourself , that we're being selfish , whereas if you could look at it as you know , I'm giving myself permission if you need to do that , but also I'm doing this for my kids , or I'm doing this for my mental health , or I'm doing this for my marriage .

Sometimes I think finding a way for women to prioritize it and feel comfortable with it helps a little . Yeah .

But it's funny , it's something that I didn't necessarily say . Oh , that's a definition of self care and this is a self care podcast . I just more so thought , when you're looking at your overall well-being , there's certain categories , that these are those categories . So yeah , with self care being selfish , I think it's . I don't feel like it's totally selfish .

There is part of me that does feel like that , maybe some , but more so that how often do we truly prioritize it in our life and say that my self-care is a huge priority , or a daily priority , or a weekly priority ?

So , yeah , we'll get to that , we'll unpack that .

So I'm curious , just from the different generational perspectives , what are some of your wellness practices that you feel have evolved or changed over the years ?

Denise is shaking your head because you have to be so proud , because you know you planted that seed 15 years ago , right , yes , I am proud of you always .

Well , it took a long time for it to really take root , but once it did , it's just such a calming practice for me . You know , it's from a spiritual and emotional state . It like it gets . It gets me where I need to be and it allows me to kind of throw out the yuck and like , okay , these are the things I'm thankful for today .

Here's where , you know , my journaling is a list of please and thank you . Pretty much , you know , but it's like I can write them down , leave them at the feet of Jesus and go about my day . So that's the one that came to mind .

That has evolved and I think I embraced it when Matt got sick the first time , like really , really embraced it , and now it's just a part of my everyday .

You know , we've we've talked about it on the podcast . There's just something , there's a saying Robin can quote it with me thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through our fingers , and so there's something therapeutic about writing what's in your head and in your heart , getting it down on paper .

So I do think journaling is important , One of the things that I've seen really evolve over , and especially in my generation , and it isn't just running , but it is exercise , it is weightlifting .

I mean all the research that has come out about the importance of lifting weights as you get older bone density , strengthening all of those things I mean I've been a runner for forever but just the idea that there's things that you can do besides that that really are . It's like taking medicine .

You know , it's preventative care , not just self care , but preventative care that you can buy five pound weights at Goodwill or you can order them from Amazon and you it doesn't take . You know , really , repetition more than weight is what's important , but weightlifting for women is something that never , ever , ever , was a part of any woman's life in my years .

So it's hard for me to say for sure , but I do think that that is a little more normalized now , which is good . I definitely think so .

But oh my goodness , are they fit .

But I think for a lot of women they finally have the time to socialize and build friendships again and really spend time nurturing those relationships , and I think that that's something that comes with being able to be retired a lot or have your own schedule , and it's very much a part of self care as far as I'm concerned .

That are at home still , you know , and so it looks different , it's harder for them , and so I mean , I see that and I remember that definitely , but I think that that's such an important , important part of self care .

I think it's almost meant satirical or to be funny , and then what the generation even under me that I'm seeing does really well at is setting boundaries with work life balance , and I think that that's a form of self care too .

I know , denise , you read a lot , but I give it .

Like I , I respect and admire Maddie for just saying I'm going to read today because , yeah , I'm with you guys , that always feels like it costs , comes at the cost of something , which is why I love Audible and I love books on tape , because I still get to read . I say read and air quotes .

I still get that fix of a good story , but I can do it while I'm walking the dog or driving in the car and so I think part of that comes to .

I mean , self care just was not in that generations vocabulary , just wasn't a massage . My mom never had a massage . She would . She does get her nails done now , which I just just tickles me to death , but tickles like your mom . Yeah , but that's that's . That's it , yeah .

Like they just sat and read a lot , like either you played outside or you sat and read with your parents , who were sitting and reading , and and it made such an impression on him and I just I'm like what ? Who did their laundry ? Who was cooking ?

Like you know , I'm just baffled by that , but the impact that it made on him to watch his parents read is really fascinating . So I think , for parents that are listening or people that will be parents , let your kids see you read .

I think there's also a huge part of cultural and societal expectations when it comes to body image , the role that we have in , in what society tells us we should be doing or looking like or spending our time on , and I think that may change , Although I still think the expectation is that you know we should , we can have it all .

We can work and we can be healthy , we can be fit and we can have self care . And you know , good luck , Good luck with that . That's what I say .

When I , when I did my master's thesis , I wrote it about breastfeeding , and I learned from that whole exploration because it was really born in my experiences about this the discomfort of breastfeeding in public , like I'm discreetly covering up my breast .

Why do I feel uncomfortable , why do I make other people feel uncomfortable when I'm doing this and why do I feel like I need to go sit on a toilet in a public restroom and feed my baby ? Because when's the last time you ate in in the ? Yeah , it's gross .

So , but out of that experience and my research , basically I concluded this that we learn what is appropriate for our bodies based on what the world tells us , and the world is still very much dominated by men and what men want from us . So men want our bodies to be sexually pleasurable for them , and that is the message that is really hard to shake .

It really is , and so for me I think , if I'm honest , part of the reason that I am so committed and disciplined to exercise is because it's tied to that . Like I know that if , if I do that , then I'll I'll meet this expectation that the world wants me to meet .

And then the other thing is like just people that fit a certain image get things that other people don't , and I think that that's hard to say and I hate it , but it's reality . I feel like I'm just just counseling there .

But I think what I loved about your answer , robin , is that you have taken the time to be like oh , this is where this is coming from and that's almost the first step and I would encourage every woman to think about of like , all right , why do I consider these beauty standards to be beautiful and where did I get that from ? And what's actually helpful ?

What's toxic ? What do I want to take , what do I want to leave ? Because there's just so many pressures from so many outside voices to like look and be a certain way and be everything to these types of people and it's hard . It's just hard . Like you're saying , it's tough .

It was a moment when we had Nancy Yeager on , the lady from Fleet Peak , and she was talking about her running history and she said now , as an aging runner , and I don't know why , that just like scalded me because it was like oh yeah , I am an aging runner , you know , I can't run as fast , I can't run as far I do .

I will admit , when you are my age , there are not a lot of people in my age bracket . So when I do a competitive run I'm like almost always place because there's only you know . I'm like third because there was only three people in my class , but so there's no , that Well that's right .

So you try and find , and trying to find , the good in that . The other thing I think is so interesting for me is , now that I have a huge amount of flexible time , I can set my own schedule , do whatever I want . I have less of a desire to train like that and and really work out like that .

I'd say that I know that I have , for some reason or another , without really being able to have this self reflection , that I need to probably answer this fully , that I know that there's a certain way in my mind that I should look or should be in in order to Fit the standards of the world , and I'm not gonna say what that is , because I think there's that

doesn't do any benefit to anybody . I am . Is it something that ? Yeah , I mean it . It's tough because now that I'm older , I think that I have a more healthy , healthy relationship with some of that , and I don't necessarily agree with all of that .

I mean , it's something that we talked about before , that I Don't really think it's healthy to post before and after pictures ever , because some people is just assume that after is better , and that's not always the case . And why should you assume that smaller equals better , and ?

And so I think that it's a really personal thing and your self-worth should not be tied to how small of a girl you are . Yeah , and that is so much of what society tells us and I struggle with that as somebody who's five nine , I'm five nine and I'm thin and no one would call me small .

And I hate that Because I'll never be small , even though I am small . It's just that because that's like oh well , you need to be small as a girl to be beautiful .

You know , previously , if you were small , it was implied that you didn't have enough money for food or that you were enslaved . You know the so that has been being target .

And it means that you are like skinny quote-unquote but you're not super toned , so you're skinny fat , and I am followed her . Immediately I'm like no , this is so toxic . Or now there's this new trend on tick-tock , where you have lagging legs , which means that I don't even know .

Honestly , I didn't even look into it because I thought it was so dumb , but it's like it's all just the same hate and you need to be the certain type of way , just repackaged right with the new generation , and so we've all probably experienced that in different ways and it's so , so toxic . So I'm trying to break the cycle myself .

I don't know fully where it came from , but I don't subscribe to it anymore . I would never tell my friends they need to be a certain way and I would never want that for myself .

She works in an eating disorder clinic now , right , and so she helps me understand and identify whenever I am giving myself messages that are happening for me , like you know . So she's like so what would happen if you went and bought a pair of pants that were a size-bicker ? What would happen ?

Like pants are meant to fit you and your body , and your body can change as you , as you change , as you age , just like , and it's like okay , and having to like , sit with that and that wisdom from from your daughter , knowing that for much of her life you know , like I've never drank it of Regular coke or Pepsi in her presence , because I don't do that .

I always drink diet soda , if I ever drink soda , right , I went through a stage where carbs were bad and we just never had pasta , except when before a cross-country race . You know , like I say , I've said things . Like you know , I don't deserve to eat that you know , and things that I just know it comes from this idea of that is not self-care , right .

But there's a bit of me that has told myself well , that self-care , you know , I'm gonna eat , not eat the bad things , I'm going to do these good things for my body and it . What it became wasn't . I Don't think that self-care is a checklist like I got to do this , I should do that , I should do that , you know .

And when it becomes that it's so burdensome that for me it doesn't feel like I'm caring for myself . It feels a little like I'm beating myself up .

And as my friends are starting to raise little girls and now I have a niece it's like you have to be mindful of that . All these little messages , those get ingrained in you .

I said I'm so glad I noticed you were getting a little chubby . And I , yeah , I think she signed Every Mother's Day card , birthday card , christmas card , anything she wrote to me for many years love chubby . I mean oh , yeah , yeah , I think yeah , and I meant it is a compliment . But you're so right , rachel , I mean that really hurt her feelings .

When I said , and just saying good for you , that I meant the same thing .

But I appreciate you , denise , just being like real and sharing that , because no one is perfect and we've all probably said something or another like whether it's your daughter or friends , right , like , oh , does this outfit make me look fat , or something , and you say it to somebody who looks has a different body than you , like that can be insulting .

There's so many different ways that even we as women tear each other down with how we're speaking about ourselves or Just everything it's . This is why , when Robin , you brought that up , I'm like , uh , I've got a spiral about this . I I honestly , it's too hard , I don't know how to fix it .

And to add to that complexity , since , denise , we have you , our healthcare professional , how do you think the conversation about , about mental health , has kind of transformed really this idea of self-care , because to me that's really what's moved it in a better trajectory ?

There's better health , there's Headway , there's I mean , you can , you can sign up anywhere . We , you know , if you're working , you have an EAP program . It's People are more aware and I think it's more acceptable . It is self-care .

And and you know , when I was thinking about the three generations and and you know what , what we can do , I think for people your age , rachel , you know a life coach , somebody who can help you look at all the different things and how do you adult ?

Well , you know , adulting is hard and it takes a long time To figure it out , and so a life coach could really be a great asset .

And for someone in , maybe in Robin's generation , is the sandwich generation , where people are caring for their elderly relatives mom , dad , grandma , grandpa and then they're also helping with their grandkids , and that's a hard transition , in a difficult place to be , and Counseling can really help with that .

And then I think about people my age who may be thinking about retiring and what will their purpose be in life and how will they have meaning , and that's something that counseling can help too . So I think the stigma is really Diminishing and the availability is increasing , which is wonderful .

I I was not taking insurance doing grief counseling for the last two years and Two weeks ago I decided I did all the stuff so I could take insurance and I got nine referrals less week One week and it's all grief counseling , that's all that's what I'm doing .

But people I think people are more Open to it , it's less stigmatizing and I think there's different ways to take counseling . Life coaching , all those sort of things that can can help people at every phase of life .

So it's , it's not completely , you know , just openly accept it , but I think it's definitely moving in the right direction .

But you know , like we've talked about before , you can lose a hundred pounds , but if you don't know why you're overeating and why you're obsessed and addicted to food , are you well ? Are you well ? I would say probably not , you know , I'm saying so , it's all . It's a piece of Overall wellness .

So if you guys have chat GPT on your phone , now you can actually talk Almost like how you talk to Siri . So if you talk to Siri and say , hey , siri , what's the weather ? She's like it is 75 and sunny , so now you can talk with chat GPT , but it's almost as if you're talking to another person .

So I can actually go on chat GPT and I'm just gonna do it because I feel like this is totally worth Showing on the podcast . But there's like a little headset and the bottom right hand corner and you click on it and it connects Hi , chat GPT . I'm having a really hard day at work and I was wondering if you can help me talk through the situation .

Of course I'm here to listen . What's been going on at work that's been making your day difficult ? Well , it blub a lot like you could literally talk to it , and what's crazy is that it's very complex .

I actually did do this with something else , like completely them , just to try it out , and it's so empathetic it knows how to present conversations back to your choices , back to you , like I was blown away by this and Chat GPT can actually recommend therapy or be like well , have you tried talking to a counselor ? Or something like that .

So Just something interesting to think about . If you need a friend or need to ever talk it out or journal with your voice that that's something to potentially do . Wow Zah .

there's a . There is a lot of stigma about I'm going to see a counselor and Whatever . The venue is where you can get the help that you need , and tune up is exactly it .

I mean , I go to counseling Quarterly because I listen to people and listen to their pain in their sorrow and all those things and I need to go somewhere when they have to listen to me . Yeah , it's so good to do that . It's not because I have a problem , it's just because it's healthy to do that .

I know how helpful it is to me when I make the appointment and go . But I've said to you candidly , like , look , my therapist quit taking insurance and it's a huge hesitation for me to go now Because it's expensive and it's just like I . I hate that . I really do hate that .

Like you know well , denise knows , last week I had a CT scan and I got very fussy because , you know , cost me $1,700 , you know . And so even even physical care in this country , along with emotional care , it's , it's all expensive . So thank you for taking insurance , denise .

So do you guys have any tips or things that have worked Well that you feel are good for your , your spiritual health , that you would suggest as self-care ?

And Ironically and this may not mean anything to you , rachel but the person who does all the yoga is Lynn Rossi , from from Columbia . So it's like , oh my gosh , I know her .

But the mindfulness based stress reduction , I think it's a different , it's a , it's a spiritual connection with yourself and with your nature , with your environment , taking that time to be quiet and just allow your body to rest and to heal . I think it's very important .

And the other thing is , for the very first time in my life , I am doing a Bible study with Two of the ladies that went to India and one is 22 and one is 32 . So it's a and those girls know the Bible inside and out , but Every morning you know it and it's been .

We just did 41 days that's how many days there are this year and haven't missed a day and it's just becoming part of my morning .

So something that I have Done a few times I really enjoyed was Peloton has this instructor who does like Sunday yoga sessions and she does it to gospel music , like Additional gospel music , and I've done that before a few times and I just love it because it's like You're connecting to the music but also doing the yoga , moving your body at the same time , and I

found that to be really Peaceful . So okay .

So it gives them , you know , the rules that they're gonna live by . And then he's been Five chapters talking about the tabernacle and building the tabernacle . Denise , you just rolled your eyes . It's hard to read , isn't it ?

And so I was struggling with that , and then , as we unpacked it together , what ?

What came to me is that God is a God who wants to be with us , and In the midst of wandering in the wilderness , it was so important that he stopped and said I want you to build a place where I can be with you , where I can have community with you , where I can be intimate with you , and I'm going to take very , very careful detail about what that

place looks like so that you can meet me there . And so when I think about self-care , I think so many times that's what's missing . I'm running here to get a massage or to go exercise or to meet and coffee , but what I need to do is be still , as you guys are saying , whether it's through breathing or yoga .

I just need to be still because my God wants to be intimate with me , and that is Probably the very best form of self-care . Some thankful for that . Yeah , all right , rachel , what you find out .

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