43 Warfare Part 3: Agreements

As with last week, I am deeply indebted to the teaching of both Dan Allender and John Eldridge on this topic. They opened my eyes to this category and the freedom that has resulted uh has been immense. So let's start with the simple question, what in the world do we mean by agreements? Agreements are fundamentally about pledging yourself in a particular way to the kingdom of darkness.

Now at first glance it sounds like a wild notion. Who would pledge themselves to evil? Who would pledge themselves in any way to the kingdom of darkness? Well, most of us are deceived into making these agreements. Agreements are almost always made in the context of particular stories of tragedy, harm, abuse, heartache. The kingdom of darkness is opportunistic. And the most opportune time to deceive a human being into making an agreement is in a moment of significant pain.

So for example, for the first twelve years of your life, you watch your father struggle with immense emotional pain. And one day, when his pain is particularly evident to you, the thought just sort of comes to you. Since no one, including God, is going to care for dad's pain, I have to. That's the thought that just comes to you. Since no one is going to care for my dad's pain, including God, I have to do it. And something in you says yes to that endeavor.

You make an agreement, I will tend to dad's pain because no one is else is going to do it. Now, at first glance, it might seem like a sweet, empathetic, kind thing for a child to do, but the impossibility of that task dooms the endeavor. And just like that, you've made an agreement unwittingly, but you've made an agreement with evil. You have pledged yourself to take on a task that no child can accomplish.

Or suppose you watch your parents go through an ugly divorce as an eleven year old girl, and during the divorce you witness your father lie repeatedly to his attorney. in an effort to sway the settlement in his favor. And then one day at school, your male teacher screams at a classmate and then lies to the principal about what really happened. And suddenly a quote unquote truth dawns on you. When men are in trouble, they will always lie to get out of it.

Just like that, you have pledged yourself to a lie. A lie that seems like a rule of the universe. And that lie will wreak havoc in your future relationships with men. Why? Because you have agreed with the father of lies that when men are in trouble, they will always lie to get out of it. Now, hopefully, these two vignettes illustrate the point that the agreement is far more Evil's idea than your idea.

You give assent, almost without realizing it. You sign your name, as it were. Agreements range from the very general to the very specific.

An agreement can be as general as I am alone in this world. Or an agreement can be as specific as whenever someone is upset with me, I will admit that I've done whatever wrong thing they are accusing me of because otherwise the relationship might end. Here are examples of agreements. No one really cares if I am hurting. I'm my own worst enemy. I'll never get over this addiction. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I'm too needy. My wife is never going to respect me.

I'm too much for any man to handle. I will do whatever it takes to be chosen. There's something wrong with me. My anger is never welcome, so I will hide my anger. In order to avoid the pain of not being heard, I just won't take the risk of telling someone when they hurt me. My husband will never change. When there is relational conflict, it's always my fault. I mean, I I I hope the point is obvious. You can make an agreement about anything.

Evil nearly always comes to you in moments of pain and heartbreak. In the wake of a painful event, We give meaning to that event. We are meaning-making creatures. We are always interpreting life experiences. So we find a way of interpreting what just happened in a moment of pain and heartbreak. And it is in this moment, in the immediate wake of heartache, that evil offers you an interpretation. of what just happened. And that interpretation is designed to entice you to make an agreement.

So, for example, suppose you're a 12-year-old girl who is devastated because your best friend just betrayed you and humiliated you at school, and you're sobbing with your mom that night, and your mom says, Sweetheart, I think you're just too sensitive. And in that moment, something in you makes an agreement with the simple sentence I'm too sensitive. And from that point forward, you begin to slowly kill your tenderness, your sensitivity. You find a way to numb out enough.

so that things don't get to you as much as they used to, so that you don't feel as deeply as you used to. On your bed that night, in the midst of all the pain that you were in, something in you agreed with the sentence I am simply too sensitive and And then you vow to not be sensitive anymore. Now, here's the thing: these agreements have efficacy in the spiritual realm.

Uh agreements have efficacy in the spiritual realm. When you make an agreement as a 12-year-old girl, an agreement such as I'm too sensitive, that agreement is like a signed legal document. Another way of getting at this notion of an agreement is the word treaty. Agreements are treaties, and treaties are formal operating structures. They operate until they are broken or dissolved.

The point I'm trying to make is that agreements are not merely summary conclusions that you have arrived at based on the bad experiences in your life. They are that, but they are more than that. They are not merely summary conclusions that you have arrived at based on the bad experiences in your life. Y you have to understand you unwittingly signed a legal document, as it were. Yes, as a seven-year-old, you made agreements with forces you didn't even know existed.

This is the place we find ourselves. We are living in a world at war, which means there are forces of goodness and there are forces of darkness in the world. And the forces of darkness, evil spirits, will take advantage of every opportunity. They will take advantage of a child who doesn't even know that they exist. And so over the course of your life, you have been unknowingly interacting with a world that is bigger than what you can see.

And as children and as adults, we oftentimes unwittingly make agreements with the kingdom of darkness, and these agreements have efficacy in the spiritual realm. They matter. They are like binding legal documents. Therefore, here's the point: therefore, being free. of these agreements is not simply a question of correcting your wrong thinking. Th this is so important. Becoming free from agreements that we have made, such as I am utterly alone in this world, or I cannot trust men.

Or my wife is never going to respect me. Becoming free of agreements like this is not simply a matter of correcting your wrong thinking. Quote unquote believing the truth is not going to get the job done. Why? Because when you make an agreement, you are not merely believing a lie. It's more than that. You have agreed with the lie.

When something inside of you says yes to I'll never get over this addiction or says yes to the whispered sentence, There is something at your core that is wrong with you, or says yes to I will never be fully understood. When something inside of you says yes to those lies, there is a very real sense in which you have unwittingly bound yourself to evil. Agreements are about becoming bound.

Words matter. Wills matter. Your words matter. Your will matters. And when you agree with a sentence or even a phrase, that act of giving a sense. has consequences and implications in the spiritual realm. The progression is this.

You are wounded, said And in the wake of that heartache and pain, evil whispers a lie that makes sense of the pain, an interpretation of what just happened, and gives you the hope that the pain can be avoided or erased. and then, welcoming relief, you agree with the lie. My anger is never welcome, so I have to hide my anger. When there's relational conflict, it's always my fault. Something in you agrees.

With these sentences. This is about more than believing lies. The notion of believing lies does not go far enough. The issue is not merely that you believe a lie. It's that you make a bond, that you pledge yourself. that something in you gives assent, signs a treaty with the lie. You pledge yourself to the lie, and soon the lie is just a part of the way you see the world.

The lie just becomes axiomatic. It's not a matter of I believed the lie that I'm alone. It's simply a fact. I'm alone. And I have volumes of data to support that fact. Let me say this another way. It is true that evil offers you lies in the hope that you will believe them. However, Uh, this is not the goal. The goal is far more sinister. Evil intends for you to use your words, spoken or unspoken, to commit yourself to the lie. Evil intends for you to use your will to give assent.

To the lie. This is why exposing a lie rarely results in significant change. This is why telling yourself the truth will only take you so far. The issue is not merely believing a lie. It's far more a matter of you have given your loyalty to the lie. And in that sense, you have bound yourself. To the kingdom of darkness. So exposing a lie, putting language to the lie, it's necessary, but it is not going to result in significant change. It's only gonna take you so far.

Now, ple please understand the the vast majority of the agreements that we've made, and we've all made tons and tons of them. But the vast majority of the agreements that you've made with the Kingdom of Darkness have been unintentional, unwittingly. You were deceived into making agreements. Evil is a deceiver. Evil does not fight fair. Moreover, most of your agreements have been made in an attempt to avoid future pain.

Growing up, your mother was always there for you and would comfort you when you had trouble at school. But whenever you risked telling her how she had hurt you, all of a sudden it was always you who was at fault. It's too painful to open your eyes to the truth that your mother would rather blame you. Then she would suffer the painful feelings of acknowledging her own failure of you. And so, in an attempt to avoid having to let in this reality, you make an agreement.

When there is relational conflict with my mother, it's always my fault. Do you see how this agreement allows you to avoid the pain of seeing the failure of your mother? Agreements are often attempts to avoid pain. You don't want to look at the reality that your mother is totally unwilling to own how she has harmed you. You don't want to acknowledge that she would rather blame you every time for doing something wrong. And so you agree with the simple sentence.

When there is conflict relationally, it's my fault. There is always an initial time. When you first make an agreement. However, the agreement is often sealed dozens and dozens of times over. I mean remember the first example of the boy who watched his dad wrestle with immense emotional pain? Each time he witnessed dad wrestling with this pain, something in him reiterated the conviction. I need to tend to dad's pain because God clearly doesn't care about it.

And so you as it were, you sign your name again and again and again. and the agreement begins to grow in your heart, in your interpretation. And so certain stories have a disproportionate influence on your life precisely because agreements were made during those stories. In moments of heartache in your life, what did evil whisper? What agreement did you make in those moments?

When we make agreements with evil, we are bound to them until we break them. Let me say that again. When we make agreements, they are in effect until broken. Your words, spoken or unspoken, your will, your words and your will have weight in this world. Your intentions, that inner sense of saying yes to something, like I'm too needy.

Or if you want something done right, you better do it yourself. Those inner yeses have weight in the world. They matter. They have efficacy in the spiritual realm. Our words and our intentions matter. Now

How do you begin to identify some of the agreements that you have made? Well, first, pay attention to the sentences and phrases that come to life inside you when you're in a fight with your spouse. Or when you're having a particularly painful day at work, or when you're having relational difficulty with a friend, pay attention to the sentences and phrases that have come to orient you in your world. Agreements orientus. They help us make sense of our worlds.

So pay attention to the sentences that often come up inside. Phrases that have become companions. So you're in a fight with your husband and you're trying to explain to him why you're upset and he's not getting it. He's not getting it and you're trying to explain it and suddenly the thought comes up, he's never gonna understand this part of me. And it's a sentence that often comes up in the midst of difficult interactions with your husband. That is noteworthy.

that is indicative of the possibility of an agreement that you have unintentionally made with the kingdom of darkness. What's the agreement? My ha my husband is never gonna understand me. Or at least not this part of me. Really? And and you know that how? That agreement orients you. How does it do that? Well, to begin with, it allows you to escape your war with hoping that if you continue engaging with him, he might actually understand this part of your heart.

It orients you also to what to do next. Probably in this case to give up talking to him, to give up trying to be understood, to stop the conversation, to leave the room. Agreements drive our behavior, particularly our behavior in our most intimate, close relationships. Your husband is never going to understand you?

What if, and here's the whole point of this episode, what if your agreement with evil, namely that your husband will never understand you, what if that is part of what's blocking you from being understood? Now I'm not saying it's your fault. This isn't about fault. But what if the agreement itself

Is part of what's blocking you from being understood. We make agreements for very good reasons. There is a reason you first concluded that your husband would never understand you. Something in you died that day. But here's where agreements become so sneaky and so strongholdy. If you've made an agreement, That your husband is never gonna understand you, then your brain is primed to expect him to not get you. Primed to expect

If you want more on this notion of priming, go back and listen to the episode on implicit memory from season one. But brains become primed. This is how neurons operate. Brains become primed to anticipate The next experience based on our past experiences. So you're already going into the conversation, bracing yourself. For him not to get you. Is this not true in life? We go into circumstances, we enter conversations, brace,

For what we expect is going to happen. And as soon as you have one iota of data that he doesn't get you, You see a look on his face when you you hear a question from from his mouth, a a tone in his voice, and as soon as you have an iota of data that he doesn't understand you, you give up the conversation. Either by sabotaging it through contempt, Or by surrendering to the hopeless despair of it's not worth it. He doesn't care. And I'm sick of trying.

Okay, a second way to identify agreements in your life. is to pay attention to the places in your heart that don't seem to change with counseling or reading or prayer or anything. In other words, where are you still stuck? What are those things? The Bible calls them strongholds. What are those strongholds? What are the places in your life?

that don't succumb to therapeutic engagement, that don't succumb to prayer, that don't succumb to journaling. Things you've been wanting to be rid of for years. And they just won't go away. You can't seem to get breakthrough no matter what you do. Suppose you've had this nagging sense your whole life that if you had done X, you could have prevented your parents' divorce.

Perhaps you live with this notion that if I say the right thing with the right tone of voice, my relationships will work and the other person won't be mad at me. And I'll have connection with people. I mean, it could be anything. And you know it's not true in your head. You you know in your head that you saying quote unquote the right thing with the right tone of voice at the right moment.

You know that's not going to guarantee that the other person will see you, hear you, connect with you. You know it in your head, but you're still bound by this sense. of it's up to me to say it right, to speak with kindness, to use the correct tone of voice and the correct words if I'm gonna preserve the relationship. Or you're still bound by this sense of I could have prevented my parents' divorce.

Here's a sentence that changed my life. In 2006, a therapist that I respect said to me, Adam, change for you will not come by gaining insight. but by breaking agreements. I was living under the assumption that if I could figure out how my trauma had affected me and why I was bound in particular ways and what lies I was believing, if I could name all of that and understand it, then I would be free.

But it's not that simple. All of that is necessary, but it's not sufficient. There are times when we are bound by agreements that we've made with the kingdom of darkness, and freedom requires that we break those agreements. And so in two thousand six the sentence that sent me on a different path was simply, Adam, change for you will not come by gaining insight. He wasn't saying that insight was unnecessary.

But by breaking agreements. He was saying that agreements that I had unwittingly made with the kingdom of darkness was what they were keeping me bound in particular places. Now, the subtlety and frankly the enormity of agreements might take you aback at first. But I hope your heart is leaning in because the first step in fighting back is seeing where we have made agreements and what specifically we have agreed to.

Breaking agreements, which we will get to in a future episode soon, i is is is neither hard uh nor arduous. We will look soon at how to fight back, how to wage war against the kingdom of darkness, both by breaking agreements and also by silencing accusations. But the first step in breaking agreements has to be putting language to the agreements that you've made in places where you remain stuck and bound.