One of the things that always amazes me is the similarities between the challenges that PhD students have and the challenges that people at every stage of academia, all the way up to a full professor, have. And never is that more true than in the challenge of comparing yourself to others. From all of my one to one coaching and group memberships, it's so apparent that at every stage of the academic tree, people are comparing themselves to those around them and doing it in ways that just doesn't help and where they end up feeling guilty, feeling frustrated, feeling hopeless. And it's just so sad that whether you're a first year PhD student looking at the rest of your cohort wondering if you're doing enough or whether you're some kick ass senior professor who's smashing their career, we're still looking across to other labs going, Oh, well, they, you know, they have still got more grant income than me. They still got more publications than me. It's so sad. And it doesn't have to be like that. So today we're going to be thinking about how to stop comparing yourself to others and what to do instead.
Hello, and welcome to episode 28 of the PhD Life Coach. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others, and somehow always coming up short? Always feeling like we're chasing down the next person who's doing the thing that we need to be doing, putting ourselves under pressure because of these comparisons.
This originally came up because the PhD students in my membership program were experiencing this a lot. They were comparing themselves to their cohort. Some of them were writing up and feeling like the rest of their cohort had already left and making that mean something about them and their abilities. Others were closer to the beginning of their program and just feeling like other people were in the swing of it much more quickly than they were. And then I see later on when people are seeing how fast people get promoted or when they get their first big grant or when they start winning awards from their learned societies or whatever it is.
At every stage we're sort of watching across to see what other people are doing and then using that comparison to mean something about us. And we dug into it in one of our coaching sessions. So we have these online group coaching sessions where we have discussions in the Zoom chat, first of all, and then we do coaching in front of each other. So people get to see each other being coached. And we realized that when I asked people what they compared, they also compared themselves on a bunch of different things. It wasn't just on the sort of usual academic metrics of publications and progress through your PhD.
But they were also comparing themselves in terms of how much work other people did and how much energy other people put in. And the thing that was really cute, bless them, and I've seen this at every level, is that we compare ourselves in both ways. We worry if people are putting in more effort than us and we worry that they're working harder than us, but we also worry that there are people that never seem to work as hard as us but are still doing okay.
So either way round, whether we work more or less hard, we can make it a problem. They also compared themselves in terms of how much experience they had, before and outside of their PhD. And in both directions too because I had PhD students who'd come straight in from their masters who felt that they were much less experienced than other people in their cohort and then I had people who were part time PhD students who had senior careers in other things who felt that yeah they had that experience but that wasn't the same as having recent academic experience and that actually these people that came straight from their masters were much more prepared for their PhDs.
And again I see this with Full Academics as well. I see people who have come straight through, stayed in academia their whole lives, feel like they don't have the external experience that other people have, and then the people that do have external experience feeling like a bit of a fraud within academia because they feel their actual academic credentials aren't up to it. Either way round, somehow we still come out on the bottom every time.
And then when you chuck in, all the quantitative things that we can measure in academia, whether that's grant income, or number of publications, or impact factor, or citation numbers, or awards from learned societies, or fellowships, or whatever it is, once we chuck in all that stuff. There's so many things that we can compare ourselves on, and none of it really helps.
Even people that think that they really aspire to having a good work life balance can compare themselves to people who they think have a better work life balance than we do. So even when we're trying to actively not engage in some of this kind of one upmanship, we can sometimes feel that actually other people are better at the work life balance than us. Oh, so and so never works weekends, and I always have to catch up a bit on a Sunday night, even though I don't want to. And we start comparing ourselves on how well we're doing work life balance as well.
So in today's episode we're going to think about why it's such a problem to compare yourself to others, and importantly, as usual, what you can do instead.
Now, some of you might be thinking, I don't actually see this as a problem. By comparing myself to others, I give myself something to strive for. And, you know, many of my achievements have been attempting to beat my brother, or to beat my best friend, or whatever it might be. We hear sports people talking all the time about how their bitter rivalries drove them to better performances. So why is it even a problem? Well, I would argue that there's a bunch of reasons why it's a problem. Now, for most people, these sorts of rivalries only drive you to your best if you maintain a mindset where it is achievable to be as good as or better than these other people. So where you believe that they're really good, but you have capacity, i. e. it's a challenge rather than a threat, you have the resources to potentially be able to meet or exceed them then maybe you perceive it as a fun rivalry, maybe you perceive it as something that will drive you to achieve more.
Unfortunately what happens for a lot of people is it doesn't feel achievable, they compare themselves to others in a way that either doesn't feel realistic or is not realistic for reasons we'll discuss in a minute and what happens then is usually something around guilt or frustration or even despair and despondency.
We essentially give up or really struggle to keep going because when we look and compare ourselves to these other people and come up short, it doesn't feel plausible to meet them. And when something feels too difficult, it's really hard to then put in the hours and the effort to try and achieve the goal.
Those of you who have listened to my previous podcast about procrastination will know that if we keep thinking thoughts that make us feel guilty or frustrated or despondent, we're likely to end up procrastinating or overworking one way or another, because we try and avoid these negative sensations.
It can also be a poor motivational strategy because when we start doing things just in order to be better than somebody else, it shifts us away from a more intrinsic motivation where we're doing something because we enjoy it, because we value it, or because it's part of who we are. And more into a more extrinsic form of motivation where we're doing it in order to beat somebody else. i.e. Get some sort of external benefit that is separate from the benefit of the thing itself. Now I'm going to do an episode in the future, where we look at these different types of motivation and why it can be really important to understand them when we're thinking about motivating ourselves, but suffice to say here, when we're more intrinsically motivated, we're doing it because we value the thing itself, and because we enjoy it, and it's part of who we are. We're much more likely to be able to put in sustained effort, and to have good psychological health during that, than if we're doing something in order to beat somebody else, to get that reward of winning, or to avoid the punishment of losing, in inverted commas.
So even if you feel like the rivalries are actually driving you to better performance, we need to look really carefully about whether that's actually helpful in the long run, or whether that is going to lead to situations where you lose your intrinsic motivation and have poorer psychological health because of it.
The other thing that I think is different between rivalries that drive us on versus comparisons that hold us back is the extent to which they make us believe something about ourselves. What I see often in academia is people who find that the comparisons they're making just reinforce the stories that they tell about themselves.
So if you believe that you're somebody who doesn't work enough, you will probably compare yourself to people who work more than you and end up sort of reinforcing that belief. If you believe you don't write quickly enough, you compare yourself to people who write quickly and publish a lot and make that mean something about your academic life.
If you're doing this, don't worry. This is totally normal to do this. Our brains like to be right. And so if we're constantly telling ourselves that we're not good enough at something, we will look around us for evidence that that's true. And one place you can get evidence that that's true is by looking at people who are different to you and comparing yourself unfavorably to them. When we have brains that want to be right, unhelpful comparisons is one of the things that they will do.
But it is also super problematic because if we reinforce the fact that we're not good enough at what we're doing or we reinforce the fact that we're not fast enough or that other people are doing better than us and we find evidence for those things being true, it's much harder for us to generate the sorts of emotions that are going to enable us to get on and do our work.
We're going to find ourselves stuck much more in in that kind of hopeless, I can't quite get on with this, I'm overwhelmed mode rather than in the, okay, let's go. This is exciting. I'm capable of this, let's get this done, kind of mode that we know helps us achieve our goals and feels so much nicer.
The other downside that my clients identified is that it can really waste energy. We put a lot of cognitive space in comparing ourselves to others, deciding whether it's true or not, what that means, spinning stories about how they're going to go much further than us or how it's not fair and they've had more advantages.
We can use up a lot of cognitive space doing this. And as I talked about last week in my episode about how to manage your energy, cognitive energy is a really important resource for academics. It's something that we really need in order to be able to do the hard work. And if we find ourselves using up that cognitive space on spinning stories about why we're not good enough and why other people are doing better than us, it doesn't leave as much cognitive space for the other things that we need to do.
Comparing ourselves to others also skews our decision making because if we're constantly telling ourselves that we should have more publications like she has and we should have more grants like she has and we should have a better work life balance like he does, then we start making decisions based on trying to be more like them, trying to achieve the things that they're achieving.
Now that doesn't necessarily sound like a bad thing unless we're doing it from a frantic place and often we're doing it from a frantic place. So we take on that committee role because we should have more extracurricular activities and we volunteer to organize that conference because we should have more leadership things.
And we then agree to do that extra publication because we need to have a longer publication list. And all of a sudden now we're over committed and overwhelmed and now instead of beating ourselves up, that we're not as good as other people, we're beating ourselves up because we can't stay on top of things the way everybody else does.
And in reality, when we made those decisions, we were probably comparing ourselves to a bunch of different people. We were comparing ourselves to the one who's got lots of publications and the one who does lots of leadership and the one who does lots of other things. And somehow thinking that we should be better at all things than all of them.
And making decisions. from that place is never going to go well. If we choose to do things simply to keep up with or beat other people, we don't then end up planning our lives around our values and our priorities and designing a life. that we actually like.
So what can we do instead? Well, I'm going to argue that we can compare ourselves to people. I think in many cases, it can be really useful to compare ourselves to people. And at the end of this podcast, I'm going to tell you exactly how I want you to do that. But first I want to tell you why I think we're doing it badly at the moment.
What is wrong with the way we're currently comparing ourselves to others and why it leads to all these problems. And then I will share with you what we should do instead.
So the first reason is we do it inaccurately. We compare ourselves to what we know of other people. So we compare ourselves in terms of our grant income without knowing what support they've had in order to generate that grant income. We compare ourselves in terms of how many hours they're in the office or in the laboratory without knowing whether they're actually productive during that time, whether they work when they're at home. Or what it is, you know, sometimes you're like, Oh my God, they're always at work, but actually they're faffing about on Twitter or, you know, Oh my God, they get so much done and they're only in the office six hours a day, but actually they're working all weekend. We don't know the truth. Yet often we compare ourselves to these fictionalized versions of other people.
One of the tips I often give clients is that you have to remember that you're comparing your insides with their outsides. You don't get to see the messy bits. You don't get to see the mistakes they've made, unless they're really public. You don't get to see all the things that they worry about, or the projects they didn't finish. You just get to see the announcement that so and so has got another grant and make it mean that you're not good enough. So we compare ourselves really inaccurately based on incomplete information. That's the first way that we get this wrong.
The second way is that we compare ourselves selectively. We compare ourselves to one bit of that person. I wish I was as far through my data collection as that person without looking to see whether the other elements of their life, of their academic progress are actually something that we're jealous of at all. So I used to run the third year project module in my school. And one of the things that I always used to see was I had some students coming towards me going, Oh my God, my friends, they finished their data collection, and I haven't even started yet. And, and, you know, it's a nightmare. I don't know what to do. And then I would have the other students come to me saying, oh my God, my housemates finished their literature review already, and I haven't done any writing at all, because all I've been doing is data collecting, and I'm going to be so behind when it comes to the writing.
And they were looking at each other. They were looking at each other selectively, and comparing themselves to the one bit that those other people were doing better than them at, and not looking at any of the other bits. Not looking at the ways that actually you're about the same as each other, or the ways that actually I'm a bit further ahead on this stuff than you are.
The other way that we compare ourselves selectively is we don't take into account their whole situation. So often we compare ourselves to the grant income of one particular person, but that person is working in a highly fundable field, has a lot of senior mentorship, doesn't have a family, works really long hours, doesn't have other hobbies outside of work, all these other things. We don't take those into account because we're only comparing ourselves to their grant income.
We compare ourselves selectively to the bits that we can see and the bits that reinforce our narratives about ourselves. So we compare ourselves. This person does that faster than me. This person does that better than me. Very rarely do we go actually, yeah, they do, but I don't like the rest of their life, or I don't like the rest of their choices, or actually this other part of academia I'm actually better at than them, I'm further along than them. We rarely do that bit, we just selectively compare ourselves to the bits that reinforce the negative sense that we have of ourselves.
The third thing, we compare ourselves unproductively. And what I mean by unproductively is we compare ourselves about things that we can't change. So I see a lot, for example, people who have small children comparing themselves to people who don't and thinking how different things would be if they didn't have small children. That's what I would call an unproductive comparison, because it's not one that you can change your circumstance. You're comparing yourself to somebody who's in a fundamentally different position to you.
I see it a lot with part time students comparing themselves to the progress made by full time students. It's not productive because unless you're going to change to being a full time student, it's not a fair comparison, and not one that you can actually learn from in any meaningful way.
You know, it's a similar situation for people who have disabilities, who have physical or mental health problems. Comparing yourself to people who don't have the same challenges as you, it's a really unfair comparison and it's unproductive because you can't just decide, oh okay I won't have this anymore then. It's not how it works. Comparison is only productive if it leads to something that's useful and comparing yourself on something you can't change is never going to be useful.
The fourth reason that we do comparisons in an unhelpful way is when we do it repeatedly without action. So we constantly feel like we're not as good as that other person, but we don't do anything about it. We constantly compare ourselves to somebody else who's, you know, just a bit further along than you, even though you started at the same time, whether that's your PhD or getting your senior lectureship or whatever it is.
If we repeatedly compare ourselves to the same person without actually doing anything, again, we just reinforce our negative beliefs. We generate negative emotions and make it way harder to take the next steps.
So what do we do instead? I promised I would give you an alternative here.
What we do instead is that when we choose to compare ourselves, we compare ourselves compassionately and with intention. Now I have talked in the past about boss mode and student mode. And those of you who are signing up for my be your own best boss program will learn so much more about this. I'm super excited. Starts at the beginning of April. I've had my first few people register and it's going to be amazing. You will have heard me talk about being a boss to yourself where you're actually planning and being strategic and then being your student or worker self where you actually carry out those tasks and actually implement.
My big rule for comparing yourself to others is you're only allowed to compare yourself to others when you're in boss mode, when you are thinking strategically, when you are thinking from a place of what do I actually want to do differently, or don't I?
So when you're in boss mode, you can look at other people. Sometimes it is useful to compare your work patterns to others, to just reevaluate whether you're doing it the way you want to be doing it. You can compare your current publication record or current grant income record to other people, because that can be really useful information. But when we are being our best boss to ourselves, we do that compassionately. We don't do it to reinforce our negative beliefs of ourselves. We do it in a curious way. We do it in a way that goes, I wonder. We do it in a thorough way. So we don't only compare ourselves to the people that are doing. than us. We compare ourselves to a wide range of people so that we can really sort of muddle out where we sit in this pecking order.
Are we about where we want to be? Are there ways that we could improve? We get to think about it intentionally. So we think, okay, they've got more publications than me. Why is that? Are they doing something that I'm not doing that I could and would like to choose to do? And if so, how can I figure that out and how can I start doing it? When we're in boss mode and particularly when we're in the kind of compassionate and curious boss mode that I'm going to be helping people generate in my new program, then we can really strategize based on some sensible and logical comparisons. What we don't want to be doing when we're in student mode, when we're in worker mode, where our job is to get on and implement the plan, we don't want our brain spinning with, I'm not good enough.
She's better than me. He's got more than me. I'll never be able to, because it makes it enormously harder to get the work done, which is what we need to do in order to achieve our goals. And nothing intentional comes from spinning when you're in worker mode. When you've got things that you're meant to be doing and you're not doing them, if you're spending that time comparing yourself to it, it doesn't help you get the stuff done, and it doesn't help you make intentional change.
So, next time you hear yourself comparing yourself to somebody, you don't have to tell yourself to shut up. You don't have to tell yourself that you're not allowed to do that anymore. Because there's a bit of your brain that's doing that just because it worries about you and it wants you to do as well as you can do within the situation that you're in. Okay, so we don't have to shut up that bit of brain. But we can say to that bit of brain, this isn't for now. Next time we're in boss mode, we can think about this properly. We can compare our publication record properly, decide exactly where we're at. Are there things we want to change? Are there things we love about where we are with our publication record? Are there people we are doing better at? Are there reasons we are where we are? And is there anything sensible and achievable that we can take from these comparisons? And we do that in boss mode.
We then set those intentions and student mode or worker mode gets on and does those implementations.
So you can compare yourself to other people, but let's do it in a way that is fair to you and in a way that enables you to use that information to get better at what you're doing and achieve your goals rather than in a way that just gives yourself another stick to beat yourself with.
I really hope you found that useful. If you're listening to this in real time and you're a PhD student or a postdoc who wants to hear more about my Be Your Own Best Boss program, just find me on social media. I'm the PhD life coach and Dr Vikki Wright. You'll find me everywhere or get yourself on my mailing list. So go to my website, thephdlifecoach. com website, sign up for the email list. Contact me through that. Find out more details. I would love to have you in the program. It's three months. We've got workshops. We've got group coaching. There's an ebook. There's access to other workshops. All sorts of stuff. It's going to be a wonderful community. We're going to learn so much from each other, so do check that out. If you're a member of academic staff, remember I do one to one coaching, or tell your students about my program. I would love to support them too.
Thank you all so much for listening and see you next week.
Thank you for listening to the PhD life coach podcast. If you liked this episode, please tell your friends, your colleagues, and your universities. I'd appreciate it if you took the time to like, leave a review, give me stars, stickers, and all that general approval as well. If you'd like to find out more about working with me, either for yourself or for people at your university, please check out my website at thephdlifecoach.
com. You can also sign up to hear more about my free group coaching sessions for PhD students and academics. See you next time.