When Boundaries Break Down: Parenting PDA Kids Through Unpredictability, Nervous System Safety & Letting Go of Control

uh surgery and then had to recover. This was a time where I really had to practice what I preach because it was surprising how much I had to slow down in order to recover. And I guess it shouldn't be that surprising because I'm not in my twenties anymore. But I don't know. I don't like to admit that. But it took a little more time than I had anticipated. But You know, I listened to my body, I didn't push, even though I really, really wanted to push, and I'm back.

So coming back into this episode today, we're going to talk about boundaries. It feels really fitting because obviously not just something I teach, but something I still am practicing myself. So what I wanted to talk about on this episode today though is not just boundaries, but something about boundaries that I think gets overlooked a lot, especially when things aren't consistent.

And I don't just mean our kids here, though that's where I'm heading. I mean relationships where you've lived through unpredictability, where you don't quite know which version of the person that you're going to get. So for me, this has shown up in my relationship with my partner. He ha actually Struggled with alcohol for a very long time. And he's now been sober for a few years. And I am so proud of him for that and just incredibly grateful.

But for a long, long time there was like there was this back and forth. So one day he might be moody and irritable and maybe even just totally disconnected and just doing his own thing in his own world. And then the next day he might be completely attentive and funny and like a life of the party guy. And I never really knew who I was going to get. And if you've lived in that kind of dynamic, you know what it does to your nervous system.

Because it's not just the hard days that are hard. It's the contrast, right? It's the not knowing. It's like your body is always a little bit bracing and walking on eggshells. And this is exactly what so many parents are experiencing with our PDA kids. You'll have a stretch of time where things feel okay, right? Like maybe they even feel good.

the child is regulated and you're having a lot of connection together and they're more flexible. And you can feel that quiet, like that quiet exhale inside of you. And you're thinking, okay, maybe we've turned a corner. Maybe that was a season and we're past it. And then sometimes the next month, the next week, maybe even the next day. Everything shifts and you're right back into it. You're right back into the meltdowns, into the refusals, maybe complete disconnections.

And also maybe what looks like for our kids a massive need for control, but really is their drive for autonomy and the safety that they feel from that because they're in survival mode again. And then your brain does exactly what it's supposed to do, what brains do. It starts trying to make sense of it and it creates a story. So now you might be thinking things like, Oh my god, here we are again. Or this is never going to get better.

Did I do something that caused this? Is this just our life now? Or even you might be thinking, I feel so incredibly stupid for feeling hopeful and excited and now I'm crashing down again. So that spiral, that thought cycle that you get into, that's not you being overly dramatic. Okay. That isn't any type of failure for you. that's your nervous system trying to protect you from unpredictability. Because unpredictability feels extremely unsafe to us, to every human.

Our brains are prediction machines. Like they are amazing, amazing prediction machines. This is a part of our evolution. Our brains try to conserve as much energy as possible for survival, so they use a lot of information from the past to help create a story about current reality. So your brain tries to predict and it tries to prepare and control. But instead of helping, it's pulling you down into fear. And that's where you're feeling this big urgency and you're having a lot of reactivity.

And this is where boundaries get really, really tricky. Because when things are good, we soften up a little bit, right? We relax. We kind of let our hair down, so to speak. And it's a lot easier to be flexible. we start thinking things like

Okay, maybe we don't need that boundary anymore. And so we don't practice it. We maybe as a protective mechanism, we kind of try to forget that we even had needed it, and we push it away a little bit because thinking about it Thinking about that boundary brought grief and grief had been. And when things get hard again, which they inevitably do, right?

We feel so shaken up and taken off guard. And so what do we do? We tighten up. We have these big reactions. We find ourselves scrambling to try to feel like we have some element of control. So our boundaries end up doing this constant back and forth. They expand and they collapse depending on the day, and also depending on how things feel.

But boundaries, while it's okay that they're somewhat flexible, we do want to be flexible. Boundaries are not supposed to move with the mood of the room, okay? They're supposed to be anchored in you. So a boundary isn't asking the question, what do I do when my child is dysregulated? A boundary would ask What do I need to stay regulated enough to show up in the way that I want to in this relationship?

So uh another way to explain it, I know a lot of people kind of think of a boundary as a wall, but a boundary isn't a wall. It's actually you can think of it as a doorway. Doctor Brad Reedy actually describes it this way. He says it's a doorway into how you can be in relationship to me. And I think that's really helpful. So when your child flips from regulated to dysregulated, the question doesn't go to how do I get them back to that good place?

The question becomes, how do I stay steady even when they're not steady? And there's another layer to this that I think is also really important to talk about, because what I had to learn in my relationship with my partner actually ended up being the same internal work that I had to do as a PDA parent.

When my partner was struggling, I didn't just struggle with the unpredictability. I was struggling with my role inside it. So I really had to take an honest look at how much I was trying to fix. how much I was trying to do things like manage the environment and prevent hard days by trying so, so hard to figure out how to help him.

You know, I I took on trying to keep everything calm and trying to hold everything together and pretend everything was okay. And my friends, that was completely exhausting. And at some point, finally, I learned about codependency. And I want to be really clear here because that word can feel really heavy. I used to think that that was like a bad word. I thought that was a massive insult, and it's not.

This is not about blame. This is about understanding a pattern that makes so much sense. When you love someone and things feel unstable, your brain says, If I can just do this right, if I can just say it the right way, if I can just stay one step ahead, then maybe things will be okay. But what I had to learn and honestly relearn is that I'm not in control of anyone else's nervous system. I'm not in control of someone else's behavior.

And I'm not responsible for making someone feel better or, you know, be healthier. And no one else is responsible for making me feel better either. And when I became a PDA parent, I realized that, oh my God, I was doing the exact same thing with my child as I had done with my partner. I found myself trying to prevent dysregulation. I was trying to avoid the triggers. I spent so much time trying to figure out what are the triggers? What are the triggers?

And then I would try to keep things from escalating. And I just had this thought that if I was a good enough mom, I could fix their problems. Because this is what good moms do. So if this isn't working, I must be missing something or doing something wrong. It is my job to make them better. And then what was my definition of better?

Well, after a lot of thought on that, I think at least partially, it was for them to meet my expectations, right? And so, without even realizing it, I had completely slipped into a kind of enmeshment. And my internal state was completely tied to theirs. It was that roller coaster that I was on with them. So if they were okay, I was okay. If they weren't okay, everything in me would like mobilize to try to fix.

And again, this makes so much sense, right? Because our kids have such sensitive nervous systems. Because we have lived through some really hard cycles, and we know how intense things can get. But the shift that made the biggest change for me was learning that accepting loving someone deeply doesn't mean being responsible for their regulation or their emotions or their actions.

And this is where the boundaries come in, not as control or punishment. Okay, boundaries are not punishment and not as distance. But as a way to come back into yourself, a way to find yourself again. So the work that I did around boundaries in the context of my partner's substance use. was like learning to step out of fixing and learning to tolerate discomfort and learning how to stay grounded even when things were most definitely not okay.

And that work actually transferred directly into parenting my PDA child. Because at the core, we're working with the same nervous system truth. You can't regulate someone else for them. You can't control their internal state. And if you try to do that, it's going to cost you your own regulation.

Now I want to be very clear here, okay, I'm not equating PDA with addiction. Those are two very different things. But the relational patterns and the internal work required of us in those situations can look surprisingly similar. And this is actually why you'll sometimes hear some professionals like

doctor Brad Reedy comes to mind, he suggests that parents explore spaces like Al Anon. And it's not because your child has a substance use issue, but because those spaces are built around learning boundaries. and detaching, detachment with love. Staying grounded in the midst of chaos and letting go of control. And for many parents, that kind of support can be so incredibly powerful.

Because at the end of the day, the hardest part of this work, it's not figuring out how to change your child, right? It's learning how to stay connected without losing your sense of self. And I wanna say one more thing about those good moments, okay, when your child is regulated and they're being pretty flexible and you're feeling connected to them. It's not just relief that you're feeling. It's hope. And you start to think maybe this is it. Maybe we're getting there.

And then when things shift again, it can feel like something has been ripped away. And that is so very real. That's greed. But there's a reframe that I want to offer you. Maybe those moments can be thought of not as a preview of a future where everything is easy, but more of evidence of your child's capacity. And remember capacity is not the same as consistency, not at all. Especially in a nervous system that is so easily pushed into threat, like our PDA kids deal.

When our kids have the safety and the capacity that they need to maintain their regulation, it is totally okay for us to have hope. It's good for us to build and hold hope and store it for when we need to make a withdrawal of it again. It's like making a deposit at the bank, right? We want to build that up. So your boundaries can't be built around when things are good or when things are hard. They really need to be built around what is true for me across both.

Because the goal isn't to create a child who never dysregulates. That's not realistic or sustainable. The goal is to become the steady place that they can come back to. The goal is to become a container for our kids, and containers have edges. So we want to provide a container for them that has edges that they can bump up against because that's okay. That's good. Those edges that they bump against, that creates security and cues of safety.

And, you know, that's not something that you just figure out on your own. That's something that you practice and you build that over time.

And that's something that maybe you need support around. And that's exactly the work that I do with my clients because this path is hard and you don't have to do it alone. If you feel like the you could benefit from support with this or really any part of PDA parenting, I would love to invite you to check out the summer cohort of my four-month small group coaching program.

In this program, we first start with Robin Goebbels Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors. We do her 12 module course. And then we work together to actually integrate it into your real life. Because this isn't just about understanding the concepts, right? You could listen to podcasts, read books, you could figure that out on your own. And you probably would have already figured it out by now.

So we do dive deep into some concepts along the way, but it's also about learning how to apply them, learning how to stay regulated, how to communicate in a way that your child's nervous system can receive. and how to hold boundaries without losing connection or yourself in the process. In my program you have weekly support, space to ask questions, and guidance as you apply this to your own family.

And if that sounds like something that you need right now, you can find the details in the show notes. And I hope that you'll reach out. Okay friends, I am so glad to be back and so thankful that you have taken the time to listen today and to continue the work of being the amazing parent that you are. I'll see you next time.

Remember, the content of this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It's not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified healthcare or mental health provider. Always seek the guidance of a licensed professional with any questions you may have regarding your child's care or your own well-being. Please note that PDA, pathological demand avoidance, is a profile of autism that is still being researched and better understood.

New information continues to emerge and what we share here reflects the most current knowledge available at the time of recording.