Facing Mortality and Rediscovering Life's Purpose with Dr. Stan Beecham

my chest and you know, breathing. So I called the doctor about getting an inhaler and she said, well, when you come in, we'll check your blood. And so at ten thirty at night, I get a call from the doctor's office telling me to go to the emergency room shits. And I was like, I'll go in the morning, you know, and they're like, you know, I told the nurses, said just tell the doctor. I'll go in the morning. She said,

let me call the doctor back. So she calls me about fifty minutes later and she says, no, you don't have that kind of time. You need to go tonight. So I found out about seven o'clock the next morning that I had leukemia, which explained why I you know, it felt so bad, you know, for the last several weeks,

and I got to stay in the ICU for twenty five days. She and they started my chemo, which lasted one hundred rounds of chemo. So I started chemo in July of twenty three and I finished it in February of last year. And you know, it was sitting in the hospital for twenty five days with kind of nothing

to do. Yeah, you know, that was that was actually really interesting just to observe how I was experiencing that, and it was it was interesting because it was really clear to me that I might die and that I was, you know, close to the edge. Yes, and after I got over the surprise of that and realized, yeah, I'm you know, I'm in a really vulnerable place right now, I kind of went straight into like, Okay, what do

I want to do with this? And so I kind of made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be become a victim of it all, you know, and feel like I got a bad shake, if you will. And so I did things like when I got up in the morning, I would get out of the bed and I wouldn't get back in my bed. I would you know, sit in the chair. And I even walked around some after I got feeling better. And I never wore the hospital clothes. I had my own clothes and I wore

my own clothes. And so I found you know that, you know, just like in any life situation, there's some things you have no control over, which can be a lot of things, but there's always one or two things that you can take ownership of. And I knew this from my own work and my own study, and that you focus on the things you have control over, not the things that you don't have control over.

not end well for me. Yeah, but I can control my attitude and my approach to it, and so yeah, it was.

aware of the fact that there's a randomness to the universe that affects all of us, but we don't think about it because the way I think most of us live our lives, we act as if we have control over things that we really don't. It's absolutely like we're

just not conscious of how vulnerable we are. That you know that any moment, you know, your life can can change in a significant way, and so you know, living through something like that for such an extended period of time, I just I just see that now as kind of the new norm, you know, Like, but it's always been that way. I just didn't know it. It wasn't so much that life changed, it's just my awareness and how

I thought about it, you know. And and this the concept of being vulnerable and that there's no promises and no guarantees. So when I was in the hospital and I see you for twenty five days, I thought a lot about you know, if I live, what am I going to do differently? Because I said, I can't just go back to doing, you know, things exactly the way

I did. And I think what I learned in that time is that the things that I take the most joy from and appreciate the most or actually just simple basic things like you know, going for a walk, you know, having having a meal with some friends, that it's not you know, it's not the big stuff, you know that most people think is what makes life great. I think it's the simple day to day activities that is really

what it's about. I'll tell you a quick story. There was a guy in the hospital with me and he left and so I just I thought he was fine. And he came back about two weeks later, and I was I could walk around on the unit, but I couldn't leave the unit. It was kind of like being incarcerated in prison, because you know, we have no immune system, so you can't leave the unit because you're too vulnerable

to get sick. So but you had to put a mask on when you left your own room, and people had to put a mask when they came into your room and cover themselves up, you know, in plastic gowns and the whole thing. And so I remember talking to this guy and I said, you know, what are you back for? And he said, well, I think it was either T cells or a bone marre transplant, can't remember. He said, I'm back to get this transplant. And I said,

so what's that supposed to do for you? And he said, they tell me if I do this, I can live three more months. And this is a guy that was about forty and I was sixty one at the time, and he's saying this very matter of fact, you know, I mean, there's no emotion in his voice. It's just like, you know, just two guys have a conversation. And I said, what are you going to do with your time? And he's like, well, I'd like to go to the beach

one more time. And then he said, then I just you know, I just want to sit on my back porch with my dogs and watch him running around in the yard. And he was he was serious about this, and that was kind of my first cue was like, Yeah, that's what That's what makes life really good, you know and delicious. Is you enjoy you know, watching your dogs play in the backyard or you know, watching your kid crawl around on the floor, or you know, having a meal with a friend. It's not all the big stuff.

So that's that's really stayed with me, and that's really been helpful.

stoic philosophy and awards of Seneca rung in my ears as I walked out of the Earth, which was I pitied the man who's not faced adversity because he's not faced an opponent, and nobody, not even him, knows what he's capable of. And I remember going home and I wrote the words worthy opponent on my bathroom mirror, and my whole idea was this was my worthy opponent that

was going to test and develop me. But it's only because of all the stuff that I've been exposed to that then kicks in right and my natural bent and probably yours as well, because I'm a ridiculous optimist and I'm going this is all going to be fine. But I actually had to remember forcing myself and going, no, you need to find out exactly what the risks are, and you need to prepare yourself.

and feel sorry for yourself? And you know you're talking about the stoics, you know, I love this saying a more fate, you know, lover of faith, Yes, you know? Of really if you here's here's the way I think about it. If you can really want your life and

not somebody else's life, If you can want your fate even if it means you die younger than you wanted to, or you know, you lose a loved one or whatever.

it doesn't have to be that way, you know. I mean, I talk to people in business, you know, and that you know, they lose a lot of money or they lose their business and you know, and they recovered from it away and they look back on it and say, you know, thank God, I learned that lesson early on. Yeah, you know, I'm glad I went bankrupt when I was

thirty and you know, when I'm sixty. And I know it sounds kind of trivial to you know, to say that out loud, but it's really quite possible that you can fall in love with your own life, in the fate of your own life, even the tragedy of it. Because I can tell you what, when I was in ICU for twenty five days, you know, getting you know, leukemia, every day I felt more alive in that hospital room

than I think I ever have my entire life. I mean, I was fully aware, my mind was you know, I was paying attention to every moment, and I was really deliberate, intentional about simple things that, you know, simple decisions, because even the simple decisions had some value to me.

And then I forced myself to contemplate my own death. Now, my risk of dying was surprisingly low, actually less than one percent fatalities on the operating table, and I thought, well, I'm pretty fit.

had their unfair share of shit sandwiches from the universe. Right, But you know, the thing that really stuck out for me, I'm not sure about you, was just reflecting on my life and going, well, if this is it, I was actually I'm content, And for me, that was the big take home out of that whole ordeal is that the goal of life should not be happiness because that's a fucking fleeting emotion that people chease, and the goal in

life should be contentment or serenity. And I actually started using this to reflect back on my life and going fucking hell, I've had a good run, I've done some amazing shit, I've met some awesome people, and if this is fated to be it, then it is what it is. And I was kind of at peace with it. I knew that, you know, the things I would be sad about was not seeing my kids grow up, not growing old with my wife.

that time, but but it is going to happen. You know, I am going to die, and it's probably not going to be on my terms, right, it's probably not going to be when I think it's going to happen, or how it's going to happen. Because I remember when they told me I had leukemia. I was really surprised. I just like I remember thinking, like, I didn't see that one coming, you know, heart disease. You know, I'd thought about that, you know, because I've had people in my

family die of heart disease. But I just I just remember thinking, wow, I never I never thought that's how I would die, and now that's might that might be how I die. And I remember when I would I don't know if it was the first of the second as in the hospital when the nurses came around and you know, they ask you all these questions and you fill out these all these forms about do you want to be resuscitated or not? Well, yeah, I don't know

if they did that with you. And I remember telling her that I didn't want to be resuscitated and if anything happens, just let me go. And I could see that she was really surprised by that, and she said like, I don't think you understand what I'm saying, you know, because evidently most people say, yeah, do everything you can to keep me alive. And here's this, you know, stupid souff a bit saying, no, don't try to keep me alive,

just let me go. And so she asked me like several times because you end up having to sign, and I said, yeah, don't, don't resuscitate me, don't do anything. You know, if it's if it's my time to go, it's my time to go. I don't want to lay in the bed for months, you know, before I die. I'd rather just you know, go right away. I don't want to prolog my dying, you know, I just remembers.

chemo shit. And so that was a real irity, right as I was fighting to stay alive, and you know, and there was nothing he could do. And so I'm watching him deteriorate as I'm slowly getting better, and I remember thinking, you know, that's that's a unique experience.

over and walked the whole thing again. But I remember just thinking, you know, I really would like to do that again. And I remember thinking, I want to keep working, but I don't want I don't want work, my work to define me the way that it did. I think

I think too much of my identity, and I think it's true for a lot of men, you know. I know it is in the US, and I would imagine it is in Australia as well, that so much of your identity is what you do. You know, people say, you know, it's one of the first things we asked somebody, what do you do? And then you tell them what

your job is? Right, And I remember, you know, thinking, I don't I don't like the fact that so much of my identity is in my work and in my occupation, and that how I think about myself is so much tied into how well you know business is going. You know, then when business is going really well, I feel better about myself and that kind of thing. And I just remember thinking that was it's kind of hollow, you know, like that's but now I work. I still work, but

I work for a different reason. I work because I realized I have to work because I need something to focus on that's not me. I think when people don't stay busy, or they don't have a job, or they don't have activities, you know that. You know that when people talk about I'm bored, what I think happens is when you when you aren't engaged like that, there's a lot of time to sit around and think about yourself, right,

And I don't think that's good. I know it's not good for me in my senses, it's not good for most people. So I mean, one of the benefits of having work or having other people in your life is that you don't focus on yourself all the time and you don't think about yourself. And I know that my best days are when I'm busy doing other things or helping other people, and I just don't think about how

stand doing and how's this day going. You know, those truly are my best days, so I have to fill them with something, and as long as I can still work and be of help, I think I'll keep doing that. But I say that because I think a lot of people they don't They don't have enough going on, they don't have enough activity, but challenging activity. You know what I'm saying. It's one thing to go and find something

to do. It's another thing to seek out something that's really difficult, because I think we should take on as much challenge, responsibility, and difficulty as we can tolerate. That is really being fully alive. You know, when you have a full plate and you're taking on as much as you can, not more than you can handle, because now

you're overly stressed. But what I'm saying is I think a lot of people they actually hurt themselves because they don't take on as much responsibility as they actually could, or they don't try to do difficult things. And again I'm not saying try to do things that you can't do. I'm saying, go right up to the edge of yourself right and do as much as you can. Like that really is the best life.

what you just said. The first one was around identity, because again that that was an interesting thing for me round you know, you do a lot of self reflection when you are and facing your own mortality, and you certainly didn't, and I did, and I was I had to force myself to overcome my optimism bias because I wanted to actually use this opportunity to properly meditate on my death and actually stir into the abyss as you've talked about and actually you know, take out the lessons

of life and that identity thing.

character and his values rather than his job. Because when we connect our identity to what we do, fucking hell, we're on thin ice, aren't they.

in the research. You know when people get into a flow state or in the zone, you know that there's no sense of self like, there's no doing. It become I become the activity to that I'm doing. It's not that I'm doing the activity, it's that the activity and I are one thing you can think about. You know. Musicians talk about this, right, you know when they're having a jam session. Artists will do that. I mean it's hard for corporate people to get into it, but but

you can. But that's really what we should be seeking is this experience of being one with what you're doing because you're you're you're so engrossed in it and you're so focused on it and versus thinking about what I'm doing. Am I making any sense? When you're when you're really doing it, you're you're not thinking about how well you're doing it, that all goes away, you know, as well

as distortions and time. And then the other thing you see when we get in these flow stakes is even when we're doing things really difficult, we experience them as effortless. So what that tells me is is the problem is not doing the difficult task. The problem is is becoming too aware of oneself or judging oneself when you do the task. Like, if you can just do the hard thing without judging yourself, you'll find that you can actually do a lot more difficult things at a higher level

than you ever thought. So the problem isn't really doing the task. The problem is the self doubt and the self judgment that you have in the process of doing the task.

they're curious about life. And you know, these people, they just they seem to have that zest for life. No matter what they're doing, they're in it. They're completely in it. Whether there's a lot of people who are just fucking blah and who are half doing stuff.

and I want to make them obvert for listeners. That the idea of what you said without saying it was and that stoic idea of player given roles, well that epic Tata said, we are all actors in the play and at base sometimes we get a part that we don't want and he's basically talking about the universe and the ship Sandwich from the universe, but that our focus in life should be to play our given roles well.

And you clearly stepped into that where it was like, well, if I'm fated to have leukemia, how do I do this well? And that was the same with me with my heart surgery. If if that's my feet, how do I play this role? Well, that's one that I want to highlight and we can dive into that a little bit deeper, but that whole idea of focusing on what you can control is really important. You talked about your

little routines and what you did. I actually did, and I don't think i've told anybody this before, but CARDI couldn't believe it. In ICU, when I first woke up from heart surgery, I got out of bed and did ten squats because I just wanted to focus on something that I could and I wanted to lean into this. And it wasn't for it was more for the point of doing the action and getting out of bed and saying, I ain't taking a shit lying down, I'm just going

to focus on something that I can achieve here. Just for that that sort of self mastery, I think. So is there anything else that you want to unpack around those two things before we talk about all the lessons that you or I may have learned from this that could be useful.

there's there's interesting research done on people who are in survival situations right where some people, you know, get lost in the woods and die and other people live. And you know what the research says is the people that die, they get really mad that they're in the situation and they say things like I can't believe this happened to me. This shouldn't happen to me, and they stay really angry

at the situation. They never accept you know, that there you know, that their ship is capsized in the ocean, or that they're lost in the middle of the you know, the woods or the desert or the jungle, and because their mind is focused on this shouldn't have happened to me, So those people die. The people that live in survival situations, they think, Okay, well, this is not how I think ought today was going to go. But what's the single best decision that I can make right now to help myself?

And so they think about that is it, you know, try to find water or shelter or some way to signal. And so you you focus on what's the single best thing I can do to help myself survive or what's the single best decision I can make right now? And then you do that. And then after you do that, then uk, what's the next thing I can do?

two things. You will do harm to yourself and you will do harm to everyone around you because you simply didn't have the ability to accept that it's my turn. And I remember saying that to myself when I was in the hospital, you know, because everybody knows somebody who had cancer, and I remember just thinking, it's my turn. And I didn't think it was going to happen this way. I didn't think it was gonna happen at all. But this is my turn, and so what am I going to do with my turn?

shit food that's causing you damage. It's also the fact that you've crowded out of your diet a lot of good nourishing food, so you actually end up with a double one.

value them too. Like when you run into someone who's given up on themselves, it's really hard, you know, especially in the business world, in competitive environments, when you run into people who've given up on themselves, it's highly unlikely that the people around you are going to want to take you on as a project because it takes a lot of energy, you know. I mean you can do it if it's a family member or a close friend perhaps, but we don't normally do that in you know, competitive

environments and business environments. When we see people who've already given up on themselves, we tend to steer around them because it's it can be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone like that.

And maybe this is a personal fault of mine, but I have to force myself not to be contemptuous around those people. How do you, as a coach and get around that? Because you have seen and dealt with these people. I need some tools here for me to deal with people who've given up on themselves.

for people who are suffering, and that is a form of suffering and insisting. Like when I run into an angry person, Now, what I tell to myself is is that person is hurt, because you don't become angry unless you're hurt first. And so when I see an angry person, I just tell myself, this person is hurting, okay, and don't pay attention to the anger. Look look for the hurt, and see the hurt beneath the anger. So there are

things like that that we can do. I think. The other thing I sometimes say to people is, you know, do you want my help or do you want my advice on what's going on with you? And if you ask them, a lot of times they'll say yes, but they really don't want it. And I'll say, well, if if my advice were to actually, in the short term, make you feel worse, would you want to hear it? Right? Because sometimes the thing that the person needs to hear

is not what they want to hear. You know, it's not the oh, it's it's going to be okay, honey, It's going to be all right. And so I find it helpful to say you know, I'll talk to you about this, and I'll be honest with you, but I need to let you know that it's likely that I might say something that you know you don't like or is upsetting to you. But I also realize that there

are probably some truths that other people haven't told them right. Yes, And you know, there's an interesting thomasoul saying that says, if you want to help someone, tell them the truth, if you want to help yourself, tell them what they want to hear. And I think we do that a lot. But I think so there's what I'm getting to is, I think the probably the best thing that you can do for a friend or a loved one is tell

them the truth. And sometimes the truth is is how you feel when you're in their presence, or the fact that you find yourself not wanting to be around them anymore in your trouble by that. But that's the reality. Yeah, it's you know, it's a risk to speak the truth. I think telling the truth is probably one of the

most dangerous things that we do. I mean, if you really are, you know, in fully transparent and candid way telling the truth, I think it's I think it's very risky, and it's dangerous because there are people that if you tell them the truth, they're they're going to write you off for it, or they're not going to ever want

to be in relationship with you again. You know. I see it in the workplace all the time, where people are really won't tell their boss what they really think, or you know, like couples where they really won't tell their partner what they really think because they're afraid that, you know, something bad will come of it, you know, And so we just we estab we create all these relationships where we just tiptoe around each other as if telling the truth is a terrible thing. But the fact

of the matter is the truth. The truth can be painful, but it doesn't damage you. And this is what a lot of people don't understand about the truth. It doesn't damage. It's kind of like getting a shot. When you get a shot, there's pain when the needle goes in, so you feel pain, but it's not harming you. It's just painful. And people need to understand that there's something that can

be painful, but you're not being harmed by it. And I think, you know, conversation with someone who will really tell you the truth would be that way, you know, where it would be painful. And so that's what I try to do with people, to say, you know, there, I got something I want to tell you, Paul, but I'm kind of reluctant to do it because I feel like if I say this to you, you know, you might be mad at me and it might damage our friendship. And then I'll say, so, you know that said, do

you want me to tell you? And almost always they say, yeah, tell me. So now you're asking me for it, you see.

And then once they ask you, they'll say, yeah, I want you to tell me that, right there changes their response because now they've asked.

of your flashlight of your attention. And it's something that I got from my wife from Japanese psychology where they they talk about the flashlight of your attention is the

most important thing in your life because and when you think about it from a neuroscience perspective, Stein, I think you'll agree that attention is a precursor for everything in the pream It's a precursor for.

this is this will probably be my only chance. Then I went versus I think if you talked to me five years ago, my response would have been, Oh, there'll be another chance, There'll be another opportunity, yes, yes, right, And now I realize, no, there's there's like a lot of things that you're going to do one last time or or you're only going to have one opportunity in your whole life to do it. And what are you going to say? You know, you're going to say yes or no. So I think I've been more open to

doing some things that maybe you call it spontaneous. But I'll give you another just simple example. So I travel a good bit for work. And one of the things that I realized when I was in the hospital for so long is I don't mind the business travel and the and the work what I really dislike is the hotel room, you know, you know, the isolation of it. So I thought, well, if I can, if I can

stay with friends instead, that would make it better. So, you know, I reached out to some friends and like they're like, there's a company I work with in Dallas, and one of the guys, who's a senior guy with the company, I've known for a long time. And I told him, I said, look, let me, let me just tell you what's going on. It's like, I don't want to stay in a hotel anymore. You know, I want to stay at somebody's house and his kids are grown

like mine. And I was like, you know, if you and your wife are comfortable, I would like love to stay with you guys, and you know, and find a way to reciprocate, like you know, take them out to and whatnot. And so I've been doing that for a year now and it's been wonderful, and you know, I really enjoy being there and they enjoy having me, at least they act like they enjoy having me, and so

it's just kind of a win win thing. And so I think about that, you know, of the things that you don't enjoy but yet are still necessary find a way to make it more fulfilling. Yeah, and that sometimes and that sometimes means asking someone to help you. And I realized one of the things I realized being in the hospital is I don't mind it at all if people ask me for help, but I really have a hard time doing that. And I think I have this concern of I don't want to be a burden or

a problem to someone. And I know there's kind of a womb there, you know that that's about because it doesn't bother me when people ask for help. But for some reason, I've really struggled to do that myself. And you know, I remember thinking, I've got to I've got to work on that. I've got to be willing to ask for help or ask for what I need. The person can always say no, but you know if you don't ask, But what you you know, people who freely give, they'll tell you they get something out of.

so I'd go, I'd visit my navy mats. I visited my mates from UNI and I was like, We're going out to have a just in case party, just in case I didn't make it. On the other side, because I actually I thought about it and I thought, well,

what would I regret if I did die on the operating table? What would I regret not having done? And And that's the the attitude that I had in facing my mortality was was not to be negative, but to go I've got a shot here to do stuff or to to not have any regrets, and so focusing that potential negative outcome on well, what needs to be done right? If you're going to cark it on the operating table, what would you have regretted not doing? And they were

the things that I made myself do right. But it then spills over, doesn't it to your point that you start to live more in the moment and have more of that sense of urgency because we actually are. When you're confronted with your own death, you realize, fucking hell, Hi, just high, not only precious, but just hi.

death as a bad thing. I can think of it as that's the next thing that happens, right It is like you weren't alive, and you know, then you got born, and then you lived, then you died, and then whatever happens after that. Of course, you know, there's a lot of theories on what happens when the physical body dies, and I'm no expert, but some of the things that

people believe I kind of have to chuckle at. But you know, I think what happens when when we die is that there's a handful of people who really loved us and they miss us and they and they grieve and they feel bad for a while. Like that's what I think happens when we die, is the people who love us hurt, but we don't hurt. The person that died doesn't hurt. There's no pain, you know what I'm saying. If I'm the dead guy, there's no pain for me,

but my loved ones there is. And but anyway, what I'm getting to is is like do we have to think of death as this bad thing that we should all try to avoid at all costs? Like how's that serving us? And again, I'm not saying like I want to die, but I'm just saying it's like it's it's it's you know, it's okay, you know, it's all right. You know it's the next thing. And I don't know what it's going to be like. But you know, I'm kind of curious. Yes, yes, I'd love to be an expert.

I'd love to be with these guys who you know, you know, yeah, I died and came back and I can tell you.

If there's something that you really want to do, don't don't wait around for the right time of the perfect situation. You know, Uh, live your life with a sense of urgency.

And because if you don't, then you're then you're waiting to start your life. Yes, and that's terrible. So anyway, I didn't know it at the time, and I found out later. But this kid, he went to his job the next day or that week and he quit his job and he started his own business that he was wanting to do. And he told me about it later. I said, well, thank god it's working out for you.

Otherwise I would have felt like an ass, you know, but in just that sense of like, you know, what do you want to do with this one wild and precious life that you have because you're not going to have it for much longer. Yes, you know, and so the thing that you've been thinking about doing that you haven't had the courage to do. You know, when you're dead, you're going to have the courage because you're not going to be afraid anymore. But you don't have but you ran out of time.

TV and all sorts of stuff. Right, So he designed this study where he advertised he wanted people who were unlucky and people who were lucky, and and so he got a whole heap of volunteers and being in the UK, there was clearly more people who felt they were unlucky than the way they were lucky.

or the time isn't right. And and to your point, Stein, and if the time isn't right, it might be your only time.

And I wish someone had said that to me when I was young, Like, you know, every relationship you have is going to fail. It's going to end. There's going to be a break up, you know, and there'll probably be some heartache. But if you're lucky the last one, there won't be the I mean, it still might be difficult, but you know, I think about that same you know thought process applies to a lot of things, like sometimes you have to take a job that you don't want

so that you can get the job that you do want. Yes, right, And I mean that was one of the pieces of advice I gave my son when he's came along. It's like, you know, take this job not because you want it, but take this job because it's going to help you get the job that you want. And I see a lot of people they're really reluctant to do that, like, you know, I don't want.

don't want in that moment is act. See what's going to make you become the person that you want to be. You know, it's that saying of you know, hard times make strong men, strong men make good times. Good times make weak men. Weak men make hard times. I thought about that a lot as well. You know, It's like, so the question is do you want to be a strong person? Yes, okay, then you must embrace the hard times.

Chances are you're not struggling enough. You're not taking on them enough difficulty, and you're not taking on enough responsibility. You actually have to make things more difficult and challenging for yourself. That's how you get unstuck.

that you interact with through your energy. So my thing with my kids is really just you need to give

more than you take and not go into relationships or not go into workplaces or whatever it is thinking that I want to take more than I give. If we can flip out of rhynd, I think that is one of the keys to a life of flourishing. Not an easy life, but a life of flourishing.

dance around with them. Yes, And I remember thinking, like, imagine having the job of cleaning hospital rooms of people that are literally dying, Like that's a shitty job. And I remember thinking like, if I can, you know, give this woman, you know, ten minutes of joy. And it worked and it made me feel better because I could see how happy they were, you know. And by the end of the month I was there, They're like, oh, I love coming to clear in your room, doctor Beacham,

because you're gonna play good music. We're gonna have fun. I said, yeah, why not, you know. And you know, I don't know how that came to me, but you know, I'm glad that it did. But I mean, it's not like a difficult thing, you know. I mean it's just doing a hundred of those little things to yourself and to other people. Yes, you know again, the you know, the walk Away lesson for me is that the joy of life is is doing the simple things with grace.

Like I walk every day now, for I walk an hour in the morning, I walk an hour in the afternoon, and I look forward to it and it's you know, going for a walk is such a simple thing, but I get such joy out of it, you know, or you know, bumping into people and saying hey to them. I mean, you know, that's.

about what's going to happen. Is you know, how are these people that I know and I've watched them from day one? And you know how you know when they're full grown adults, what does that look like? I think that's the thing I'm most interested in. And then then the other thing is is I get I'm sixty three now, so I don't know. I lived twenty more years. I don't know what it is. But you know, how how do I age? Do I age gracefully? You know? Do I?

You know, I'm just kind of curious to see kind of what's next, because there's going to be a next thing and I'm really curious to see what that is and how I respond to it.