When Teens Talk About Suicide

When teens or tweens talk about suicide or when we're concerned potentially about suicide, what are we supposed

to do? And this feels to many parents like a very challenging, scary, and overwhelming topic. And we want parents to know that talking about suicide with your teen or tween does not increase the risk of suicide.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast, episode number four. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

We are two clinical psychologists who have worked with teens and tweens and children for many, many years. And on this podcast, we are trying to answer questions that parents have and talk about some potentially really difficult topics, which is what we're planning to do today. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, we've had a number of parents reach out and ask us, when teens or tweens talk about suicide, or when we're concerned, potentially, about suicide, what are we supposed to do?

Yeah. And this feels to many parents like a very challenging, scary, and overwhelming topic. Yeah. And I think because of that, it becomes something that's kind of a taboo, like, oh, you know, I don't wanna talk about that.

Mhmm. Or I'm afraid to talk about it and mess it up.

Right. Which is which is very understandable. Yeah. But it's very important that we change that narrative, you know. So just like right off the bat, we want parents to know that talking about suicide with your teen or tween does not increase the risk of suicide or does not say to your teen or teen or tween that that, you know, is an option that you're supporting.

in a movie that they might see or a show.

Right. They'll know by the context you've set up by bringing it up, that that it's safe to talk about in your home. And that's that's very, very protective and helpful. Mhmm.

And it's really an important topic to talk about. You know, the CDC report from 2023 revealed that in the last year, one in five teens had seriously considered suicide, and that's a pretty high number. That's Yeah. That's a pretty shocking statistic, I think, for a lot of us who work with teens and tweens, and for parents, it's a really scary one.

Right. And even the language on that, that is seriously considered. Yeah. Right? So there may be even more children, we actually do know from that youth behavior research survey that there are even more that have had thoughts of suicide, but seriously considered suicide. That's one in five. That's that's a lot of kids, so it's important that we get out and talk about it Yep. And feel more comfortable doing so, but I think parents feel overwhelmed. Well, what do I do? What do I say?

And there is research that the more capable or confident parents feel to broach this topic, the more likely they are able to and the more open conversations they can have with their teens and tweens about it. So I think we feel really strongly that we wanna help parents. We wanna provide some tools to have the discussion ourselves here today and give them hopefully some language or just some ways to think about this to help build that sense of efficacy and and confidence to be able to do this, because that matters. Mhmm. So that's what we're gonna be doing today.

hundred percent.

That's individualized and and more specific to their family and their child.

And and, you know, even if you ultimately reach out to a professional in your community, if you have these concerns, what we're gonna talk about today is really about how to, you know, handle any situation that presents, you know, to you with your teen in the moment. So you may, you know, call that mental health professional if you think it's warranted, you know, but when your teen, for instance, there are times that teens will say, Mhmm. You know, I'm I it's not always. Mhmm. But if they, you know, a teen could come and say, I I really wanna die.

Yeah. But sometimes it can be a little more vague. Yeah. So what let's think about some of the things that a parent might hear that isn't directly saying, I'm thinking about killing myself, or I just want to die, but that might be an indication that they're really suffering, and and there's reason for concern, and to get more help.

Yeah. I just I just I I don't I don't know what to do. There's there's nothing really I don't have any enjoyment. I don't really wanna do anything. I don't Mhmm. You know, just sort of that that low mood and that lack of seeing things to look forward to.

Yeah. I I recall during COVID hearing a number of times, and it struck me because I heard it several times from different people, different young people, is this all there is? Yep. Or is this what it's it's just gonna be like when I'm an adult too? Just get up every day, do the same thing, and it's just miserable.

reflects a clear hopelessness. Now, people feel hopelessness and are not thinking of suicide. Yep. But these are When your child brings this sort of thing to you, we always wanna start with presence, being really present with your teen and and really believing them. Yes.

And you don't have to figure out in that moment

A %.

Is this imminent? How serious is this risk? Like, do they mean it? Do they not mean it? I think a lot of parents struggle, because I I so many times I'll have parents say to me, like, I'm not sure how much they really mean it. What do you think? In that moment, if they share this, your your role, your job in that moment is to believe them and and listen to that suffering and be be present to hear that. You don't have to figure all of that out

A %.

That moment.

And I think, again, as we've said in other podcasts, just starting with, wow, I'm so glad you told me

Mhmm.

That you've been feeling this way, you know, or thank you for sharing this with me. Mhmm. Just phrases like that that can sort of anchor you and let your teen know that this big thing that they've just shared with you is okay to share Mhmm. And that you're there for it. Mhmm.

I I'm really grateful you gave that language, because I think that's something we really want to talk about today, is just some ideas of of things that you can say when you hear something that is so shocking or so frightening. And and it this makes me think a little bit about, you know, and I'd encourage everyone to just take kind of a moment if you're listening or watching this now, and think about a time in your own life, whether it was during your childhood or adolescence, or even more recently. A time when you had something very private, very very vulnerable, or very important to share with another person. And if you were fortunate enough to have the experience where that went well, where you feel like that person really heard you, listened to you, stayed with you, just got it.

Mhmm.

To just think about that for a moment or two, and even imagine that again, and and try to recall what was it about that interaction with that person that led you to feel so supported? What did maybe it's what they said, but I would almost venture a guess that it might be more about how they showed up, what they looked like, maybe even what they didn't say.

It's funny when when you laid that out, I I brought a a moment in my life up to mind, and I think it was really about that person's calm presence and real just my sense that they really believed me and that they really cared about what was going on for me. Mhmm. And that felt really centering to me. If they had immediately said, with all good intention, oh, well, you just need to do this, you know, and that, and then it'll feel better. That wasn't what I needed.

Yeah. Yeah. I I I think sometimes it's apparent, right, asking ourselves that question of like, what does this moment need? Like, what does Mhmm. My young person need? They they might need tenderness, love, understanding, support. Right? And in that instance, what you're describing, it it feels like that person was just steady. Like, they came across as steady. And who knows?

And you just I I I forget the exact phrase, but in the midst of what you just said, there was something that you said which indicated, not only am I here with you, but I'm going to be here with you and we're going to figure this out. And I think that is for parents. If you are presented with the possibility that your child has been considering suicide, or maybe they've made an attempt, or maybe they are just thinking about death a lot, the idea if you can in conversation, you know, and again, we're describing if the child stays with you and or the teenager stays with you, there may be times that they get upset and it's overwhelming and leave. But even in that circumstance, maybe at a later time, the idea of reflecting, I I believe you, I really wanna understand this so that I can help you in the best way I can get the help that you need. Mhmm.

Mhmm.

You know? And it and I and that was a big way of saying it, but a lot of time just presence and willingness to hear it and saying, okay. Mhmm. I I'm in it and we're gonna figure this out together is what a teen needs to hear. That does not mean that does not mean that they're going to happily be like, great.

you Mhmm.

Because they're embarrassed or ashamed on some level or fearful of what's coming next. Mhmm. But I think that messaging is really important, and even if they get upset when you have presented that, that may allow them at another time to come back Mhmm. Because they know it's an okay topic. Mhmm. They know that you're there with them. Mhmm. And that you'll help them. And I I think I

heard something else interesting, and I want to just kind of be very specific about that. That presence, that validation, that support, that allowing them to maybe speak more about this, or, you know, asking some questions that might hopefully lead them to share a little bit more with you. Mhmm. Right? So you're staying present with them and not just jumping in to problem solve or responding to your own fear about it.

With A %.

I'm here with you, and I'm gonna help you figure this out. I'm we're gonna find the help that we need. Right. And that and

I think that key point, I'm going to help you figure this out. We, as a team

Mhmm.

Are going to collaboratively find the help that you need, but that does not mean, parents, that you need to have the plan, that you need to make the assessment, that you need to, you know, do something in this, you know, in this moment, be the one to figure it out. It's real what we're talking about here is really if this comes to you, how you can, you know, be present with your team and message back to really help them, which I think, you know, is going to make it more likely that they're, you know, willing, if they need, to get the support they need.

Yeah. So I I wanna be specific about two, what might get in the way. Right? Because we're talking a lot about being supportive, being present, staying in the moment, thinking about what your child needs.

Mhmm.

And I think it would be unfair to not acknowledge internally what might happen for a parent that could get in the way. And we may even have some some parents listening to this today that are thinking, oh my gosh, I messed this up, or, you know, I've missed these signs, or my teen or tween said something to me and I I didn't do what you're Right.

I said don't ever say that. Don't think that. Yep. You have a beautiful life, you're so smart, you're such a good dancer, you can't you can't do this, don't think that. Yep. That's a horrible thing to say. Mhmm. And that's an understandable reaction as

because we're scared. Yes. We're scared. And we want them to see. Right? You made a cup you said a couple of things in there. Right? Like, you have a wonderful life. Like, that urge to try to remind them, like, no. All these people love you when you have this great life. Right? I'm forgetting some of the other parts of you said, like, oh, you're a dancer. Right? Reminding them of things that are important to them. Like Right.

Because and it's so understandable, and and I want to make clear to parents, if you've been in this situation and if that's the way you reacted, completely understandable. But the wonderful thing about parenting is it's just it's it's not one and done. You know, if this conversation has come up in your home, it doesn't mean you can't circle back to it. It doesn't mean, you know, you could you know, go back to that teenager and say, you know what? I think in that moment, I got scared and I overreacted and I'm sorry that I did that.

Mhmm. Yeah. And I we know, first of all, that making those repairs and going back and mending those fences in our relationships, whether that's in our adult lives or with our children, actually is incredibly strengthening of relationships.

Mhmm.

So it's a it's a good thing for that. And I think what it also says to your teen is, I got overwhelmed. I was scared, and I said something that maybe shut you down, or I made a mistake. Guess what? People do that.

This? Or, and it may, they may not want to in that moment. Yep. But I'm here for whenever you want to tell me more. Now, we've been talking about the very serious issue of a child considering suicide Mhmm. Or wanting to die. So we do wanna be clear that in most circumstances, you'd probably want to get more support, you know, around this. If your child already has a therapist, you know, or or a physician or mental health professional, you could reach out to them. If they don't

Mhmm.

You could certainly reach out to a pediatrician. Right? Mhmm. And it's this sort of thing where, you know, we have many resource resource resources available to us. Mhmm.

say it Trained

professionals. Trained professionals. Just dialing 988 for the suicide and crisis life lifeline or texting talk talk, t a l k Mhmm. To 741741. Mhmm. There will be a professional on the other end of that line that can help sort this through for you what your next step should be. Mhmm. So you as a parent shouldn't feel alone, you know, if if if it feels like you're not sure what the next step should be.

Mhmm.

You know?

Or if this information your teen or tween brings this to you at 11:00 at night or midnight, or they come into your room while you're sleeping and share this. Right? That kind of around the clock, there are people that are more readily available to speak if something feels more imminent and urgent, that there's a step you can take, and that there are medical professionals and mental health people who can really help you do that or not help you, they will do that deeper assessment with your teen and then help guide you towards some resources, if that's something that your teen or tween needs. Right. And I also just want to say, as, you know, a child and adolescent psychologist,

we, as mental health professionals, but certainly pediatricians, your own physician, you can get support for yourself, even if it's just a phone call. Yep. You can, you know, I I think that's important too because parents can feel very overwhelmed. Mhmm. So of course, we want to, first and foremost, assess what's going on for your child and get them the support they need if they, you know, if they do need significant additional support.

Mhmm.

With us, and that we're on their team. Mhmm. You know, to support Yeah. That way, you know, is is really kind of what you hope to do. If you haven't done this, right? It's also okay if you have a suspicion, it's okay to bring it up. Yes. Great And say, have you ever thought have you ever thought of wanting to die Mhmm. Or wanting to kill yourself? Yep. And parents are worried to do that. That doesn't increase the risk of suicide.

Nope. And actually, that direct ask, being open to talk about it again, once again models that this is something we can put hard things on the table Yeah. To talk about. We can talk about hard things. It might feel uncomfortable Yeah. But we can do this.

So so let's just take sort of a reflection and just say, what now? What's sort of our takeaway Mhmm. On this very complex and very important topic? Suzanne, what do you think?

I I think because I imagine this is very scary and very hard to talk about, I think I would encourage for our our what now is to reflect a little bit about maybe some of the language that you heard here, because I think in the moment it's so hard. Right? It's it's Mhmm. So hard to to anchor in. And so sometimes I I encourage parents, let's think about one of these phrases.

Right. It sort of sounds like you're really seeing them.

Yes, exactly. It conveys that same message of, I'm paying attention to you, you're really important, feeling and what you're thinking is important. And so I would encourage parents to think about, what's a phrase that we might have mentioned today? Thank you for telling me, I'm glad you shared this, I've noticed that, I've been wondering about that. And use that a couple of times in the week.

I think that's I think that's very, very helpful because you're right. What you're highlighting is we have moments where we might think, oh, well, if we're out of cereal, just write it on the list and move on. Right? Have that reactive response. And what you're saying is to sort of take that pause and get more, you know, confident with sort of giving that validation or presence, and that that can be helpful in the future.

Yeah. Just a time to practice it. Yeah. So We will certainly provide resources in all of the show notes. Yep. So, hopefully, you didn't feel like you had to write down those crisis hotline numbers.

988. Just to just to to reiterate that. Yep. If you have concerns for your child and teen at this time, you can call the suicide and crisis crisis hotline. Mhmm.